Friday, March 31, 2006

No News Tomorrow

For the first time in about five months, I am taking a one day break. My girlfriend and I have decided to visit the lovely US State of Maine as we are traveling alphabetically and are in the M's now. (I'm kidding about the alphabetical thing)

So, since I have no way of doing news tomorrow, all you people will have to look elsewhere for a laugh. My advice? Trip an elderly person or a small child. Steal someone's asthma medication and chase them around the room. Run into a bank with a gun and make a deposit. Keep people on their toes out there.

I'll be back on Sunday and I'll do a few news stories as well as the growing-ever-difficult Sunday Sign of Hope. So, I'll enjoy the break, you enjoy some cake. Today is my birthday as well. Yay for me. Whatever. Enjoy the weekend.

Iran quakes kill 50

Looks like someone is pissing off Allah again.

At least 50 people are believed dead and another 850 injured after three strong earthquakes hit western Iran overnight.

I'm left to wonder if America has a super-secret earthquake making machine. That's be cool. But not really.
*Disclaimer: I have no knowledge of any super-secret earthquake machine being in possession or in production here in the US. If by some chance I'm right, please don't kill me.

The string of quakes and 12 aftershocks had damaged or destroyed up to 330 villages, reports said.

String of quakes = angry God. Come on Muslims, just once I want to hear you say the same thing about Iran that you said when New Orleans became a raging swimming pool. COME ON!!

China Says Filmmaker 'Committed a Crime'

Sounds like China has their own Hollywood. Better get used to it China, there isn't one person making movies in America that hasn't broken the law.

Authorities say they are holding a Chinese filmmaker because he committed a crime, but they refuse to give any details or allow visitors, his sister said Thursday.

The Chinese are so secretive. It's like they have a club with a secret password but they've forgotten it so they trust no one.

Wu Hao, a Beijing-based documentary filmmaker, has been in police custody in the capital since Feb. 22. His sister, Wu Na, has demanded his release and an explanation for his detention, but police have said his case is "secret."

That "secret" shit is only funny when someone's not wasting away in a jail cell...okay, that's a little funny to me but most people are bothered by it.

Wu Hao lived in Boston, New York and California for 12 years before returning to China in 2004 to make documentaries. He had been working on a film about unregistered Christian churches in China before he went missing.

Bright Side: he is no longer missing.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Crazy Cat Terrorizes Connecticut Town

So that's where all retarded people retire.

Residents of the neighborhood of Sunset Circle say they have been terrorized by a crazy cat named Lewis. Lewis for his part has been uniquely cited, personally issued a restraining order by the town's animal control officer.

You gave a restraining order to a cat. You know, if the rest of the people in America helped, I bet we could shove Connecticut into the Atlantic Ocean and hopefully it could float to Europe and they can deal with these people.

"He looks like Felix the Cat and has six toes on each foot, each with a long claw," Janet Kettman, a neighbor said Monday. "They are formidable weapons."

Great, he's a mutant.

The neighbors said those weapons, along with catlike stealth, have allowed Lewis to attack at least a half dozen people and ambush the Avon lady as she was getting out of her car.

So the cat has catlike stealth. Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes. Since Lewis the cat has a name it means that someone owns Lewis. Maybe someone should have a talk with the asshole who bought the mutant-toed freak.

Animal Control Officer Rachel Solveira placed a restraining order on him. It was the first time such an action was taken against a cat in Fairfield.

I take that sentence to mean that restraining orders have been issued to cats elsewhere. Jesus...

In effect, Lewis is under house arrest, forbidden to leave his home.

Shouldn't there be a asteroid smashing against us sometime soon. Come on asteroid. Come and get us please.

Hooters Air calls it quits


After a three-year run, Myrtle Beach's homegrown airline, Hooters Air, is bowing out of regularly scheduled air service.

The airline will cease its public charter flights April 17 and will run only private charters out of Winston Salem, N.C.


If there is anything that goes together its huge-chested attractive women and putting your life at risk thousands of feet above the earth. I can't really explain what I mean by that. I guess, huge-chested attractive women are like black jeans, they just go with everything. If my flight is hurtling towards the ground like a lawn dart I want some huge tits in my face. If your going to go, go with a smile.

Vegas Company Puts Ambulances for 'Obese' into Service

The ambulances are better known by their previous names, flatbed trucks.

A Las Vegas company is putting a new extra-large ambulance into service to handle extra-large patients.

Well, I guess this is just good foresight cause if anybody's going to need an ambulance...

The vehicle looks like a regular ambulance. But it's extra-wide, and has a larger gurney, a winch and ramps capable of loading up to 1,600 pounds.

If you've allowed yourself to get 1,600 pounds you should just be thrown in the ocean so others can enjoy the splash.

Congresswoman McKinney Allegedly Punches Cop

Nice to see our government representatives are setting a good example for todays youth.

According to sources on Capitol Hill, U.S. Representative Cynthia McKinney (D-GA) punched a Capitol police officer on Wednesday afternoon after he mistakenly pursued her for failing to pass through a metal detector.

I'll tell you, I don't know where these people get there fucking high horses but for the love of God, follow the rules the rest of us have to. Do you know how many metal detectors I have to pass through on a daily basis? Well, none, but if there is a metal detector I have to walk through it. The people in charge of the country should lead by example, or at least not get violent about it. Where do they get the idea that they don't have to follow the same rules as the rest of us?

Members of Congress are not required to pass through metal detectors.

Aha! I've located the problem.

Sources say that the officer was at a position in the Longworth House Office Building, and neither recognized McKinney, nor saw her credentials as she went around the metal detector. The officer called out, “Ma’am, Ma’am,” and walked after her in an attempt to stop her. When he caught McKinney, he grabbed her by the arm. Witnesses say McKinney pulled her arm away, and with her cell phone in hand, punched the officer in the chest.

Cell phone, physically violence, I'm almost brought to tears by the American symbolism in the capital.

The cop is pressing charges, and the USCP (United States Capitol Police) are waiting until Congress adjurns to arrest her, a source claims.

Oh this should get interesting.

Journalist Jill Carroll Released in Iraq

Oh hey, that Jill Carroll lady is free. I totally forgot about her.

American journalist Jill Carroll, abducted in early January by gunmen in Baghdad, was released to a Sunni Arab political party in the capital Thursday morning after 82 days in captivity.

Well, that's some good news. Quick, grab a smile where you can cause it's not going to last me.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

World Treated to Rare Total Eclipse of Sun

You know what this means right? Things are so fucked up down here the sun can't even watch anymore.

Schoolchildren cheered as the first total eclipse in years plunged Ghana into daytime darkness Wednesday, a solar show sweeping northeast from Brazil to Mongolia.

Kids are so easily pleased these days. All you have to do is knock the sun completely out of the sky and plunge the earth into darkness and they cheer. Gotta love em.

"I believe it's a wonderful work of God, despite all what the scientists say," said Solomon Pomenya, a 52-year old doctor. "This tells me that God is a true engineer."

Hey, a doctor that doesn't believe in Science. That's...dangerous. Bet it's quite a surprise after surgery when you awake only to find the surgery went well but unfortunately God didn't answer the doctors prayers for the incision wound to close. Careful getting up.

The last such eclipse in November 2003 was best viewed from Antarctica, said Alex Young, a NASA scientist involved in solar research.

Damn...I just missed that one.

Nigeria arrests fugitive ex-Liberian warlord Taylor

Maybe I'm in a weird mood this morning but how can someone be an ex-Liberian warlord? You can't be ex-Italian, you wither are or you aren't. And being a warlord is something that usually follows you around too. Can't be an ex-rapist or an ex-murderer. I'm just being picky this morning.
Former Liberian President Charles Taylor, on the run from war crimes charges, was arrested on Wednesday in northern Nigeria at the border with Cameroon, police said.

Now, you can be an ex-President. That makes sense. So why isn't he ex-Liberian President warlord? Is there no justice!

President Olusegun Obasanjo, currently on a visit to Washington which has been pressing for the former warlord to stand trial, ordered that he be immediately repatriated to Liberia, Information Minister Frank Nweke said.

Olusegun sounds like a futuristic laser weapon.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Boy, 8, accused of sexual harassment

The world has gone bye bye.

Lorain, Ohio school officials this week executed an ''emergency removal'' of an 8-year-old boy who they say sexually harassed a girl in gym class.

What the fuck is an emergency removal? Was the kid toxic? 8 year-olds cannot sexual harass each other. New rule as of now, you cannot sexual harass anyone until you go through puberty.

The boy's mother, Tammy Barth, said yesterday her son was playing in gym on Tuesday when a girl student said he and two other boys may have grabbed her buttocks.

When I was five I used to grab womens breasts. Should I prepare for lawsuits?

He was then questioned in an informal hearing by school officials and he admitted he had been passing love notes to the same girl.

He's a curious child, unsure of his feelings and emotions. They are foreign to him, maybe frightening. This is a time for explanations to both the girl and the boy. A time to sit them down and be a parent or a teacher, explain the ways of the world to them to better prepare them for life.

The second-grader then asked to sign a notice of emergency removal form for sexual harassment without a parent present. He was excused from class for one day and was able to return the next.

Oh yeah, that's much better. You people are morons. An 8 year-olds signature isn't valid, especially if it's in crayon. You people make me sick.

Afghan Christian set for psychiatric tests

Wow, I didn't think Afghanistanis would progress this quickly. I've been trying to get this country to set up psychiatric tests for Christians for years.

Afghanistan will free a man who could have faced the death penalty for converting from Islam to Christianity after the West pressed Kabul for his release, a US State Department spokesperson said on Monday.

This strikes a blow to Islamic fanaticism in the middle east. Unfortunately it encourages the Christians to keep talking.

But the prosecutor in charge of the case and Afghan presidential officials were not available for comment.

They're bodies will be found by the end of the week.

Nations officials said the man was seeking asylum abroad, but a solution to the case was still some way off.
Well, I'd say fleeing the country is a pretty solid solution.

Look, I may not be religious and I may rag on the religious flock quite a bit but I really don't have a problem with people being religious. Honestly though, if you're going to be Christian, do it in a country not famous for beheading people for mispronouncing Allahu Akbar. There's a time and place for everything. Afghanistan is not the place for Jesus. Jesus is in Italy, Mohammed is in Afghanistan and everything is in America and they come to your front door bright and early so you can hit them with things. America's all about convenience.

Israelis Go to the Polls

Israelis are voting. Will there be a riot? Well, if this vote is like any other vote in the past two years in any nation, yes, yes there will be.

The voting for the early Israeli elections began today at 7:00 a.m. local time and will continue until 11:00 p.m.

7am is not that early.
More than five million Israelis are expected to cast their votes at over 8,000 polling stations.

If my math is correct, it's going to be crowded.

Some voters said they are voting for change and criticized the method applied by the Kadima Party in relation to the evacuation of Jewish settlements. For others, the hope is a victory for the religious-based parties.

Funny, I don't feel strongly either way.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Saddam Planned to Deploy 'Camels of Mass Destruction'


Saddam Hussein planned to use "camels of mass destruction" as weapons to defend Iraq, loading them with bombs and directing them towards invading forces.

And we thought this guy had nuclear weapons?

The animals were part of a plan to arm and equip foreign insurgents drawn up by the dictator shortly before the American-led invasion three years ago, reveals a 37-page report.

It took 37 pages to explain that? Would it be difficult to spot a camel strapped with explosives? I don't think Saddam really thought that one through.

It is part of a cache of thousands of documents that the United States Department of Defence says it does not have the resources to translate.

We can't find people who can read Arabic? We can guide a missile into an outhouse with a laser but we can't translate documents? Sounds kind of, I don't know, like camel-shit.

And that plan would have never worked. Obviously Saddam didn't do his homework on Americans addiction to killing animals. Most of our troops are from the southern states in the US. Most of them hunted animals before being sent to Iraq to hunt Iraqis. Just give them a reason to wipe all the camels out and they're happy.

Size of L.A. March Surprises Authorities

I'm not surprised. Americans will do anything to get out of work.

Thousands of immigration advocates marched through downtown Los Angeles in one of the largest demonstrations for any cause in recent U.S. history.

Oh and it's about immigration, no wonder it's in California.

More than 500,000 protesters - demanding that Congress abandon attempts to make illegal immigration a felony and to build more walls along the border - surprised police who estimated the crowd size using aerial photographs and other techniques, police Cmdr. Louis Gray Jr. said.

You know, the word illegal is in illegal immigration. That means it's against the law. So when you break the law in the US you get in trouble. (unless you have a lot of money) So, how can we protest this? I'm all for LEGAL immigration but when you have people running through the desert trying to get into the country you have a problem. Why? Because there is an abundance of people in this world that would like to blow things up in my country. So maybe we need to be able to trace immigrants. Just an idea.

Wearing white T-shirts to symbolize peace, the demonstrators chanted "Mexico!" "USA!" and "Si se puede," an old Mexican-American civil rights shout that means "Yes, we can."

No you can't. It's illegal. You're breaking our laws. Do it lawfully and there's no problem. Are we that fucking stupid in this country that we are protesting a punishment for an illegal act? We don't protest against jail time for drug dealers but some guy playing marathon across the border deserves our representation as a nation? I know that the US was built on immigration and we're a melting pot and all that but you're talking about fifty years ago. These days people fly planes into buildings and blow themselves up on the subway. Maybe we should change with the times no?

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Sunday Sign of Hope 3/26/06

'South Park' Fans Threaten To Boycott New Tom Cruise Film

from WNBC:

Fans Push To Get Scientology Episode To Re-Aired

Turning Chef into a child molester and then having him mauled to death by a lion and bear apparently isn't enough for some "South Park" fans.

The Washington Post said fans have started a campaign urging people to write, phone or e-mail Viacom threatening to boycott "Mission Impossible 3" -- unless Comedy Central reruns the episode spoofing Scientology that caused Isaac Hayes to quit.

The rerun of that Scientology episode was mysteriously pulled off the air last week amid published reports that Cruise, another Scientologist, had used his clout to get the episode yanked.

Series creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker said there would be retribution, and came through with their promise when Hayes' Chef was skewered with the episode that kicked off "South Park's" 10th season Wednesday night.

Stone and Parker took a big shot at Scientology, too, on the show, albiet through a thinly veiled metaphor. In the show, the boys of South Park try to save Chef after he is brainwashed by "The Super Adventure Club." The club, as we come to find out, is a group of child molesters.

At the end of the show, Kyle said they shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving, they should be "mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains."

Comedy Central said that an estimated 3.5 million viewers -- including 2.3 million in the advertiser-coveted 18-to-49 age bracket -- tuned in to watch the show.

The network said it’s the show's biggest season debut since 2002.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Texas Busting Bar Patrons For Being Drunk

Next week they'll be arrested people at doctors offices for being sick. Maybe we should give Texas back to Mexico.

The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission is sending undercover agents into bars to bust patrons who are drunk.

Cause as we all know, we go to bars for the free chips, cheery atmosphere and the conversations. Anyone else notice our rights are slowly being stripped away?

A spokeswoman for the commission, Carolyn Beck, said agents recently arrested 30 people in 36 Dallas area bars for public drunkenness.

Huh? Oh fuck you people already. No smoking, no drinking in bars. Whats next, no standing?

Beck says just because someone is in a bar, it does not exclude them from laws against public intoxication.

And I say, just because someone is in a position of public power doesn't mean that makes them not a fucking moron.

Beck says, "We feel that the only way we're going to get at the drunk driving problem and the problem of people hurting each other while drunk is by crackdowns like this."

I'm all for cracking down on drunk driving but arresting people for being drunk? What actually constitutes drunk though? I can drink a lot and keep my wits about me. As long as I don't drive what's the problem. Oh well, fuck Texas.

Rescued in-laws face meth warrants

Out of the woods and into prison. Aren't you just the lucky bunch?

America may have smiled when a snowbound Ashland family was rescued Tuesday after spending 17 days in the southwestern Oregon woods, but officials in Arizona didn’t.

Oh they smiled, I'm sure of that. In fact, I'm positive the Arizona officials had the biggest smiles of all.

They responded to the nationwide television reports of the rescue with warrants for two members of the family, Elbert and Becky Higginbotham, whom they caught last spring with five packages of methamphetamine but did not arrest at the time.

This brings up two questions. Firstly, why wouldn't you arrest people caught with five packages of methamphetamine on the spot? Is that really something you give an IOU for? Secondly, why would anyone marry a man named Elbert Higginbotham?

A day after the Higginbothams, son Pete Stivers, his wife, Marlo Hill-Stivers, and their two children were rescued from the woods, Navajo County authorities filed warrants charging the Higginbothams with possessing methamphetamine for sale and other crimes there.

Aren't you glad you were rescued? Congrats, you're alive...for now. Prisons a whole other "lost-in-the-woods" experience.

French pride tested at EU summit

French pride? I thought you guys lost that during WWII.

French President Jacques Chirac left Brussels saying that he had been "deeply shocked" by the language used at this summit.

Especially when Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi called Tony Blair "the coolest fucking sonofabitch in the room".

That is because the language was English, and it was being spoken by a fellow Frenchman.


The president, a lover of dramatic gesture, walked out of one meeting, trailing his senior ministers behind him, when the head of Europe's business organisation, Ernest-Antoine Seilliere, had the temerity to abandon the language of Balzac for that of Bush and Blair.
Grow the fuck up. And what the hell does "lover of the dramatic gesture" mean? Does he flip people the bird a lot. You know, just because George Bush and Tony Blair speak English doesn't make it dirty. There are plenty of nice, sane people who speak English. We call them Hawaiians.

Once French was the main language of the EU, the only language that everyone had to speak, just as the EU's economic policy reflected French priorities.

Ah, this is just jealousy. That's because French isn't the language of choice at the EU anymore. French is out, English is in. Really, though, who gives a shit.

Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi had planned an attack on "economic protectionism", but no one else was eager to join him. So instead he gave President Chiroc a jokey back massage.

Okay world, this is what our leaders are doing. They are arguing over languages and giving each other back rubs. You ever get the feeling that the people in charge maybe got there by accident?

Chemistry school blast kills woman

And now class, we will add substance A into the beaker with substance B in order to prove our theory that the human body cannot be blown more than five hundred feet in one direction. Goggles people!

An explosion at a French chemistry college has killed a professor and seriously injured one other person.

Concluding the lesson on how to make sure that you don't survive the afternoon.

French rescuers said initially 15 to 20 people were missing but they were later accounted for.

Thank goodness for homeroom attendance.

Rescue officials said one woman, a professor, was pulled from the building and later died. The condition of second person, initially described as lightly hurt, was later downgraded and was in serious condition.
Lightly hurt to serious condition is quite a downgrade.
"Oh he just hurt one finger...on the arm we found."

Friday, March 24, 2006

Vanished girl returns as woman

Well I'd hope so. I'd have more questions if she returned as an IHOP menu or something.

Tanya Kach was 14 when she walked out of her father's McKeesport home more than a decade ago.The Cornell Middle School eighth-grader vanished. There were no sightings. No phone calls.


The case went cold and stayed that way until Tuesday - 10 years, one month and 11 days later - when Kach walked back into her father's life and told the world that a school security guard with whom she had fallen in love held her captive since Feb. 10, 1996.

Wait, what? School security guard held you captive for 10 years? 10 years? That's
3,650 days, excluded leap years cause I don't have that kind of time for math this morning. In 3,650 days you couldn't figure out a way to escape? I mean, I could've built a plane and flew to safety in that fucking space of time. I have one of those gut feelings that more than one unstable mind is at work here. This story's going to be good.

Kach spent most of the past 10 years locked in a bedroom of Hose's parents' Soles Street home.

You know those clear square holes in the walls where you can see trees and other outside things? Those are windows. If you open them or break them and yell out, people will come get you.

Hose and Kach met in late 1995 at the school where Hose, then 37, worked as a security guard. They secretly dated. She believed they were in love.

One...two...two unstable minds.

No one could take care of her better, she believed. He invited her to move in with him, but told Kach she would have to remain hidden from his parents until he mustered the courage to tell them about her.

Nothing is more difficult than intriducing your parents to your girlfriend while she's playing with My Little Pony.

She agreed and dreamed of their future together - a wedding, and maybe even children.

And a bucket as a toilet. What a wonderful life it would be.

She was allowed to watch television and listen to the radio, but only with headphones so his parents wouldn't hear. She tiptoed around the room. Hose made her memorize which floorboards creaked.

So his parents never used the bedroom? In ten years?

Hose gave her a new first name - Nikki - and told her to pick another last name. She opened the telephone book, closed her eyes and pointed: Allen.

I did the same thing once. My new name was Greensboro Tony's Pizza.

Hose never physically abused her, but he left emotional scars. He often threatened to kill her if she ever tried to leave.

Unless this guy was taking a bat to my ankles on a daily basis I would have left at some point during those ten years. Ten years! How do you spend ten years in a bedroom, with a bucket to go to the bathroom in, listening to TV on headphones? Ten years! If you were my daughter and you came back with this story I'd send you to your room for another five.

Hose rarely allowed her to leave until 10 months ago, when Kach began attending church and taking walks to a nearby deli.

You were allowed to leave? You're retarded.

In the past 10 months, Kach befriended Joe Sparico, owner of JJ's Deli Mart on Evans Street, and visited his store just about every day. Some days she would linger for hours. She lived with an older man, Kach told him, and didn't have a driver's license or an education.

Now she's going to live in his bedroom...whore!

The store owner gently prodded Kach for details because "I knew something about her situation just wasn't right," Sparico said. On Tuesday morning, something had changed in his young friend. Her hands trembled, and she was crying.They sat down together in a back room and she revealed her secret: Nikki Allen didn't exist. She was really Tanya Kach, the girl who disappeared from her daddy's house long ago.

That's a big secret to unload on a deli owner. One time I ran into a deli because a friend of mine had broke his arm skateboarding and I needed a phone and the idiot made me a ham and cheese sub.

Many unanswered questions remain.

Oh, only a few. I don't want to hear anymore about this now.

U.S. Hiring Hong Kong Co. to Scan Nukes

It's our own damn laziness that will be our downfall. I hear we're thinking of hiring al-Qaeda operatives to patrol our borders for drug smugglers.

In the aftermath of the Dubai ports dispute, the Bush administration is hiring a Hong Kong conglomerate to help detect nuclear materials inside cargo passing through the Bahamas to the United States and elsewhere.

It's almost like Bush is fucking trying to kill us all.

The administration acknowledges the no-bid contract with Hutchison Whampoa Ltd. represents the first time a foreign company will be involved in running a sophisticated U.S. radiation detector at an overseas port without American customs agents present.

Who can blame them though. Honestly, Americans can't even make a fucking decent car that won't fall apart. Indian phone representatives offer ten times more customer service then any American I can't even understand what the hell they're saying. Americans are lazy, spoiled and refuse to get off their high horses and take responsibility for their own future. It's sad we must rely on foreigners to provide our safety because, well, there's a better chance they do it right.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Suspicious package investigated at White House gate

With the stupidity of our government it's probably mail. I hope they didn't shoot the Fed-Ex guy.

A man who tossed a suspicious package onto the North Lawn of the White House on Wednesday has been taken into custody, the Secret Service said.

So what? People throw garbage on my lawn all the time. I want one of those remote-controlled robotic toys to investigate those suspicious candy bar wrappers.

"This individual has a done a similar act in the past and he is in custody," Secret Service spokesman Tom Mazur said.

He's a chronic litterer? He must be stopped!

The Secret Service secured the White House and raised its internal alert system by one level during the investigation, a Homeland Security official said, speaking on condition of anonymity because the review was ongoing.

It's good to know that the President is safe from garbage.

EU bans 'flying coffin' airlines

Thank you for flying Air Coffin, we hope you enjoy slamming into a mountain like an arrow.

The European Union on Wednesday banned 92 airlines, most of them based in Africa, from landing at European airports due to failures in meeting international safety standards.

Look, we just don't want you landing at our airports anymore since most your landings consist of humongous fireballs, explosions and lost luggage. It's a matter of safety...and money. How many people are going to want to get on their flight after watching the Village Hut Airlines inbound flight miss the runway, take out the communication tower and barrell into the mall across the street like a flaming steamroller? .

Special forces free Iraq hostages

Hey, a piece of good news in the morning. Don't get this very often.

Three Western aid workers held hostage in Iraq for nearly four months have been freed in a multinational military raid, British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw said.

Well, now that you are free, there's only one thing to do after you finish thanking the people who saved your asses. GO HOME!

Briton Norman Kember, 74 and Canadians James Loney, 41, and Harmeet Singh Sooden, 32 were freed in Thursday's military operation in Baghdad involving British special forces, Straw said.

Hey, the British have special forces? Bet they make one hell a cup o' tea.
This is one of the first times I get to wake up and do a piece of good news as the first story. Maybe today will be a good day. Maybe the world isn't such a rotten place. Maybe all hope isn't lost just yet. The sun is shining, the weather is warm and...oh man...I'm going to die today aren't I?

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

China slaps a tax on chopsticks

Are forks tax free?

China will slap a tax on chopsticks and a range of goods ranging from yachts to petrol in a bid to save trees and protect the environment.

Yachts were tax-free in China? Why doesn't anyone tell me these things?

Plans to impose a 5 percent consumption tax on both disposable wooden chopsticks and wooden floor panels would help curb the plundering of timber resources and efforts to protect the environment, the Ministry of Finance said.

So how expensive are chopsticks in China? Here in the USA we don't pay for the disposable chopsticks, they come free with the meal. I guess we don't care much about trees.

Bird flu vaccine for chickens developed

It's a good thing too cause for a minute there I thought I wouldn't be able to munch on some good ol' KFC extra crispy on my deathbed.

Japanese researchers say they have developed a new type of vaccine to protect chickens against the H5N1 strain of bird flu.

Thank you Japan. Now, can we cure depression in lizards?

In experiments in which the researchers exposed chickens to the H5N1 virus, those chickens that had been injected with the new vaccine remained healthy, while those without the injection all died in two weeks. In addition, the antibodies formed in the chicken as a result of the vaccination remained effective six months after the injection.

Well world you may all rest easy now knowing that after the bird flu wipes out our population, they'll be plenty to eat. Hope your not a vegetarian.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Security Tight As Shiites Gather at Shrine

Oh man...

Millions of Shiite pilgrims, some of them flogging themselves with chains, surrounded a shrine in the holy city of Karbala on Monday to commemorate the 40th and final day of symbolic mourning for the Prophet Muhammad's grandson.

Flogging themselves with chains? Don't they have any happy holidays where the children unwrap severed heads underneath a decorate pile of donkey shit or something. Man...

Tight security appeared to be holding sectarian violence at bay in the city, though five pilgrims making their way to Karbala were attacked in a drive-by shooting in Iskandariyah, 30 miles south of Baghdad. All survived, police said. In Karbala, the day passed without major reported violence.

They survived because there are no Playstations in Iraq. People haven't honed their hand-eye coordination just yet.
On Sunday, insurgents fired a mortar round into a parking lot near the shrine 50 miles south of Baghdad, but no one was hurt.

Fucking handicapped parking my ass!!

Anger over Christian convert in Kabul who faces death

We've brought true freedom to Afghanistan by ridding it of the Taliban. When the Taliban was in power, a man who converted to Christianity from Islam would have been executed immediately, now, after us Americans have lended a hand, he'll have a trial first and then he'll be executed.

Abdul Rahman, a 41-year-old Afghan, was a Muslim for 25 years before he began working for an international Christian group helping his fellow countrymen in Pakistan. Within a couple of years he had converted to Christianity.

Those Christians are good man. They get in your head like catchy commericals. If you can convert a middle-eastern Muslim you can convert anybody.

Fourteen years later, the decision may cost him his life.


After four years in Peshawar Mr Rahman spent the next nine in Germany. His problems began when he returned to Afghanistan in 2002 and tried to recover his two daughters, now aged 13 and 14, who were living with his parents in Kabul.

Leave the kids Rahman...take the canolis.

His parents refused to return them.

They'll never live in a home that doesn't worship Mohammed...and isn't made of dried dirt.

The matter went to the police, with the parents complaining that their son had become violent. Mr Rahman’s father then denounced him as a convert. Mr Rahman was promptly arrested, and found to possess a Bible. He now languishes in Kabul central prison and will, if convicted of an “attack on Islam”, face the death penalty under Afghanistan’s new constitution.

I'm so glad we have brought freedom to Afghanistan. This is kind of like teaching kids with down syndrome to play the concert piano. It ain't happening. Middle-easterners have violence in their DNA, there's no changing that. You give them freedom and a constitution and they make an ammedment allowing beheadings on Saturdays. What's the solution then. How the fuck am I supposed to know? I'm just here to point fingers.

US rejects Belarus election

So I guess we're not talking to Belarus either now. Are they making nuclear weapons too?

The United States declared the results of the presidential election in Belarus invalid on Monday and called for a new race, even as President Alexander Lukashenko defiantly swept aside criticism and declared himself the winner of a third term.

We have no right to intervene. Must I remind my fellow Americans about the last few "questionable" elections we had?

In an impassioned appearance hours after state television announced that he had won nearly 83 percent of the vote, Lukashenko exuded confidence and said the outcome had "convincingly demonstrated who the Belarusians are and who is the master of our house."

That's Belarusian for " We are the shit and we run this bitch Mother Fuckers!!"

So...where's Belarus? My best friend is Belarusian and he's an idiot. I'm not saying there's a connection but...

Monday, March 20, 2006

Man, 21, gets jail time for disorderly house

Hold on I have to go clean up...

Mike Herchenbach was sure he would get a fine. He’d pay a couple hundred dollars, like his roommates, and go on with his life, even though he wasn’t at the party that got out of hand at his rental house. After all, his name was on the lease.

Little did Mike know, he was about to become yet another strange piece of news...and somebody's bitch for 30 days.

Lancaster County Court Judge Gale Pokorny gave Mike 30 days maintaining a disorderly house last Oct. 2.

Forget terrorism, child molestation, rapists and murderers, let's fight the real enemy, the messy!

In a 2½ page sentencing order, Pokorny went through, reason by reason, “why courts need to take a harder look at this type of case and Mr. Herchenbach.”

The judge wrote down why you're going to jail for 30 days, that's nice of him, you can read it while you're in your cell.

“Reason #1. People can die at these parties,” he wrote.

Ah, a valid point. Even though you weren't at the party, you're responsible because your name is on the lease. So if someone shoots someone in the face on your porch, its your fault for not have metal detectors.

“Reason #2. People can die at these parties.”

umm...alzheimer's a bitch.

And that's it. Two reasons why you Mike, and only you, are going to jail for having a party. You should have attended cause you sure are paying for it.

Cyclone Larry lashes northeast Australia

Cyclone Larry sounds like a video game. I'm telling you world, stop giving natural disasters human names, it's a super-human phenomenon, name it Cyclone Superman, maybe then people will get the fuck out of the way.

The most powerful storm to hit Australia in decades laid waste to its northeastern coast on Monday, mowing down sugar and banana plantations and leaving possibly thousands of people homeless.

I didn't know there were banana plantations. Don't they grow on trees? Shouldn't it be a banana orchid then? I'm just being picky.

There were no reports of serious injuries, reflecting the preparedness of residents in the storm-prone region.

Cause, as you know, millions of people live on banana plantations.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Sunday Sign of Hope 3/19/06

Gray wolves take a big step

from JSOnline:

The resurgence of the gray wolf in Wisconsin, Michigan and Minnesota was reaffirmed Thursday when Interior Secretary Gale Norton announced plans to remove the wolf from a list of endangered and threatened species.

Removing federal protections of the wolf would give states the management authority over a large predator that was wiped out of Wisconsin in the 1960s.

The changes could go into effect later this year or early in 2007.

In Wisconsin, authorities once again would have the ability to trap and kill wolves that harm livestock and pets.

In some cases, landowners would be able to obtain permits that would allow them to kill depredating wolves.

Another possibility: Wisconsin could open a trapping or hunting season on wolves if the population doesn't remain in check.

But before that happens, "there would have to be extensive public discussion," said Signe Holtz, director of the Bureau of Endangered Species with the state Department of Natural Resources.

Legislation also would be required before hunting or trapping began, she said.

DNR Secretary Scott Hassett said the announcement underscored the comeback of another species in Wisconsin, along with bald eagles, osprey, fisher and wild turkeys, all of which once teetered on extinction.

Last winter, Wisconsin's wolf population was estimated at 425 to 455 wolves. When the 2006 estimate comes out next month, the population could be higher.

Wolves re-entered Wisconsin from northeastern Minnesota in the mid-1970s. Officials credit their return to public acceptance, better management and an abundant food supply - namely, white-tailed deer.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Two Women Die After Using Abortion Pill

Oops, aborted the wrong one.

Two more women have died after using the abortion pill RU-486, regulators said Friday in a warning that brought renewed calls for pulling the controversial drug from the market.

Yeah, look, I pro-choice, only because I don't like the idea of our government telling us what to do with our bodies. I also don't think this is a political debate as much as a religious one and I think the pro-life argument is mainly supported by Christians and Catholics and the like and I view it as an infringment on the separation of church and state. I do not however, think that a pill that exterminates the life of something growing inside you bigger than a virus or bacteria would be safe. Call me crazy.

The organization that provided the pill to the two women said it would immediately stop disregarding the approved instructions for the pill's use.

There's a good idea. Maybe you should follow the instructions.

Abortion law may affect South Dakota tourism

Do many people go to South Dakota to have abortions?

The superintendent of Mount Rushmore was surprised at first when people from all over the country started calling up to express their opinion about South Dakota's ban on nearly all abortions.

What does one have to do with the other? One is about the freedom to choose whether you are prepared to bring life into this world and support it for at least eighteen years, change your way of life to accomadate a newborn, analyze your financal status in order to find a way to make it through life without creating an inescapable hole of debt and to prepare yourself mentally to be a parent or not and the other is four faces carved in rocks.

Some callers said they were so upset that they would never visit Mount Rushmore, South Dakota's No. 1 tourist attraction.

Yeah, fuck your mountain.

Others said they were so thrilled that they would make a point of coming to see the chiseled faces of four U.S. presidents in the Black Hills.

I'm so glad I can't get an abortion in your state, we're visiting tomorrow just to laugh at the pregnant women...and see Mt. Rushmore.

On further reflection, Superintendent Gerard Baker decided that the messages from far and wide made sense, because Mount Rushmore is a symbol of freedom.

Then it's in the wrong state.

Iran, US Disagree Over Goal of Talks

Well, if we can't even agree on what we're going to talk about it leaves little hope for any progress made by talking.

America says it wants to discuss Tehran's meddling in Iraq, while the Islamic Republic asserts it wants to work to get foreign troops out.

I want to talk about the outrageous prices of housing these days.

A day after raising international hopes by agreeing to hold direct talks about stabilizing Iraq, U.S. and Iranian officials Friday took a decidedly sharper tone toward each other, differing markedly over the purpose of their planned discussions.

God forbid we raise international hopes. Can't have that now. There is no hope. There's no peace. There is only war and death and know, I think doing this news thing everyday is starting to tamper with my naturally sunny disposition.

U.S. officials accused Iran of meddling in Iraq's internal affairs and said the discussions were aimed only at expressing American unhappiness over the interference. In Tehran, a senior official said Iran's goal in meeting with the Americans was to accelerate the U.S. departure from Iraq.

Sounds like we already kind of had the talks in a round-about way no?

Security Council close to accord on Iran warning

If it takes this long for the UN Security Council to reach an accord on a fucking warning, by the time sanctions are placed Iran will have become a beach resort.

UN Security Council members Friday narrowed their differences and were 'pretty close' to a statement spelling out demands for Iran to suspend its uranium enrichment activities, diplomats said.

Pretty close? You're useless. You haven't even decided on your demands for Iran? I want to work for the UN. I bet they get paid big bucks to accomplish nothing. Meanwhile I'm stuck in a dead end job busting my ass and I can't even afford an IPod. And those things are pretty cool. Bastards.

Iraq operation fails to find insurgents

Maybe they're all gone.

US and Iraqi forces have spent a second day hunting for insurgents in villages and fields north of the capital Baghdad. While troops have seized weapons, they have not encountered any insurgents.

Well seizing weapons is just as good no? I mean, insurgents battling with harsh language isn't very effective.

Completing the second day of Operation Swarmer, US and Iraqi soldiers seized mortar rounds, rockets, explosives, and high-powered cordless telephones used to remotely detonate roadside bombs.

Is Iraq like one big dumping ground for weapons? It seems on a daily basis soldiers are stumbling across stockpiles of explosives and arms. I found a pocketknife in the woods once when I was twelve. I guess that's kind of the same thing. I wonder if that would constiture a cache?

The US military says while 48 people had been detained, no insurgents had so far been found.

So what are we holding 48 people for? Parking tickets?
Oh well, guess the largest operation since the Iraqi invasion has proved to be unsuccessful. So much for shock and awe.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Bomb dog's alert delays NCAA game

Must have been frightening. Bet a lot of guys got laid last night after the game.

A San Diego arena was evacuated for about two hours on Thursday, delaying a first-round game in the hugely popular national college basketball championship, after a hot dog cart attracted the attention of a bomb-sniffing dog.

I've yet to meet the dog thats attention is not grabbed by the smell of cooked pretend meat.

They had a robot go in and disassemble the hot dog cart and look for suspicious substances and at that point determined that there is no threat and it was safe to enter the arena.

Dismantled the hot dog cart. Well, better safe then sorry I guess. Although maybe you should feed the dogs before taking them to a basketball game.
"Hey wait, Rover just found something suspicious in this big bag of doggie treats!"

Neverland Closes For Good

NOOOO!! Now where will we send our children for soem good ol' fashioned emotional scaring? Oh well, there's always summer camp.

Michael Jackson has shut down his Neverland Ranch for good. Employees were summoned to the ranch Thursday at 5 p.m. PST in staggered groups, given back pay for 12 weeks through today, and were told the ranch had been shut down by the California Department of Labor.

And so goes a monument repesenting what money can do in the hands of a nutcase.

In fact, Jackson made the decision to lay off more than 60 loyal staffers after making them wait through three months with no pay.

I'd bust on Mike about this but anyone who hangs around at a job for three months without getting paid deserves to be wacked in the head numerous times with a boat oar. They should feel lucky they only got fired.

Church lifts Friday meat ban for St. Patrick's Day

Thanks Church. It really doesn't matter though cause anyone who eats meat today is going to wind up throwing it up in a drunken stupor later on.

Every few years, the holiday falls on a Friday during Lent, when consuming meat is traditionally forbidden. But what would St. Patrick's Day be without corned beef and cabbage?

A drunken mess of people wearing green and fighting. Actually, fuck the meat.

So the Church has declared an exception that permits their flock to eat meat on Friday.

That is why I am not religious. I am no ones fucking flock!

While eating meat on a lenten Friday isn't a mortal sin, many look to the church for guidance before bending the rule.

Oh thank God we can eat meat before we drink ourselves silly, beat someone sensless, fuck a stranger and pass out in an alley. Don't want to be a sinner now.

Iran Offers to Enter Iraq Talks With US

Hey world, the US and Iran are the new odd couple. Except the season finale for our show will involve bombings, ground forces and maybe a political assassination. Stay tuned.

Iran offered Thursday to enter into talks with the United States aimed at stabilizing Iraq. The Bush administration said it would discuss the insurgency with the Islamic republic, but not nuclear issues.

Cause we're not talking to you about that. Don't even think of bringing it up cause we're still mad at you.

It was the first time Iran has agreed to negotiate with the superpower it calls the "Great Satan".

Affectionately at least?

US launches largest airborne assault since start of Iraq war

Kind of scary that three years into the war we need a larger air assualt than we intially did upon the invasion. Am I the only one noticing that?

US-led forces on Thursday launched the largest airborne assault in Iraq since the beginning of the war, targeting insurgents northeast of Samarra, the US military in Baghdad said.

It's not that I think the Iraqi war is going nearly as bad as the media makes it seem but I don't think it's going quite as well as my government thinks they can make me think. It's somewhere in the middle. I call it the grey zone.

More than 1,500 US and Iraqi soldiers and 50 aircraft as well as 200 tactical vehicles were involved in 'Operation Swarmer,' the US- led coalition said.

Operation Swarmer. Why do we give our little operations names like Swarmer, or Raging Bull, or, like the British named their invasion operation, James Bond. It's like we're just playing a video game. Everyone having a good time?

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Canada's Seal Hunt to Get Under Way

Why don't you have a terrorist hunt or something a bit more productive. I've never been hurt by a fucking seal.

Canada's contentious seal hunt will soon start, the government accounced Wednesday, despite protests by former Beatle Paul McCartney and other animal-rights activists who condemn the killing of the pups as inhumane.

Maybe we shouldn't have a mass killing of a species young. You know...karma.

Fisheries and Oceans Minister Loyola Hearn charged that the media had misrepresented the hunt, and said Canada is committed to ensuring the seals are killed by humane methods.

Yeah, cause I know if I killed my next-door neighbors daughter humanely, she'd be perfectly okay with that. Must we constantly remind ourselves how selfishly monstrous we are on a daily basis?

Registered sealers will be allowed to kill up to 325,000 pups in the ice floes off the Atlantic when the annual season opens, up from the quota of 320,000 last year, Hearn said.

Holy shit that's a lot of dead baby seals. When did we become natures population control. Oh yeah, since we killed off all the natural predators. Whoops. You know, there's another species we should be clubbing. Guess which one.

Jessica Simpson snubs Bush

This headline sounds dirty.

Concerned about politicizing her favorite charity, singer-actress Jessica Simpson on Wednesday turned down a invitation to meet with U.S. President George W. Bush, a snub that left Republicans dismayed.

Keep the teenie-boppers out of my fucking politics. Jessica Simpson can go sing about whatever she wants and shake her little ass back and forth and make the teenagers happy and give them something to jerk off too. But leave the thinking to the smart people okay hun.

The blond star of the film "The Dukes of Hazzard" still plans to visit Washington on Thursday to lobby members of Congress on behalf of Operation Smile, a non-profit venture offering free plastic surgery for disadvantaged children overseas with facial deformities.

Oh good, that way they are more recognizable when we're going through the starvation deaths of the day. Thanks Jessica.

US Tries to Salvage Unraveling 9/11 Trial

Only one trial in the four years since 9/11 and we fuck it up. Way to go guys.

Federal prosecutors implored a judge to reverse her decision banning key witnesses from testifying at the death-penalty trial of Zacarias Moussaoui, saying the misconduct of a government attorney they labeled a "lone miscreant" should not imperil the case.

Oh please, please, please let us kill him, please.

Calling it unprecedented and "grossly punitive," prosecutors said her ruling devastates their argument that Moussaoui should be executed for his role in the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks.

Hasn't he already pleaded guilty to that fact? Now we're deciding if he should die for it? Over 3,000 people died on September 11th 2001. Throw this guy off the fucking roof of the courthouse what's that damn holdup?

U.S. District Judge Leonie Brinkema on Tuesday barred seven witnesses and all aviation security evidence from the trial, saying the actions of Transportation Security Administration lawyer Carla Martin had tainted the process beyond repair.

How can you taint the testimony of a witness for a man who's already pleaded fucking guilty. Even he says he did it. When did common sense become non-existent in our legal process? We might as well throw him in the river to see if he floats.

Liberian leader wows US congress

With one of the coolest card tricks you've ever seen. She's magical I tell you...magical.

Liberian President Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf has become one of the few women to address a joint sitting of the United States congress.

WOW. She made a speech. Women can talk. WOW.

In a speech which was frequently interrupted by standing ovations, she said US aid was helping to restore peace to Liberia and West Africa.

Oh, and she thanked us. Nothing gets us clapping like people telling us they like us. We don't get much of that anymore.

She promised to make Liberia "America's success story in Africa."

You'd better, or we'll fucking invade your ass.

Drugs firm apologises to families of test victims

We're so sorry. We didn't know having your head wither up and fall off was a side effect.

A Drug company last night apologised to the families of six men who developed potentially life-threatening side-effects while taking part in a medical trial.

Does anyone really need money THAT bad to take a drug that hasn't been tested on anything but monkeys yet? I mean, of course I've considered the positive side of the spectrum and thought of the possibility that you could get superpowers but it's just not worth the risk. It's just too common that the little different yellow pill fucking kills you.

The girlfriend of one of the victims said he looked “like the Elephant Man” after he and the five other medical guinea pigs had a violent reaction to the drug on Monday.

Side effects may include nausea, axhaustion, abdominal cramps, horrific physical disfigurment and in some cases, vomiting.

The six men were admitted to the ward from an independent medical research unit on the hospital’s campus after taking part in the trial.

Don't know if I'd trust the drug company that potentially killed me to take care of me. Call me crazy but I don't think they're qualified.

The drug, known as TGN1412, is made by pharmaceutical company TeGenero AG, based in Wurzburg, Germany.
Look in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane,'s a LAWSUIT!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Melissa Theuriau goes topless

Not sure why this is news, but it sure cheered me up this morning.

French anchor babe Melissa Theuriau might be the greatest French import since Bridget Bardot, except that she's not actually been imported. Theuriau, a presenter on "LCI Matin" (LCI Morning), a Today Show-style French morning show, is already legendary on the internet for her beauty and her breezy outfits, but the only early risers she's giving a rise to are the French.

Fucking French people.

Okay so apparently there really is no news here aside from the fact that someone managed to snap some topless photos of Ms. Theuriau on a beach and since this world is so very much in love with boobies, it becomes news. Personally, I really subscribe to the "breasts are breasts" club and, while I'm well aware they come in many wonderful shapes and sizes, I find no reason to get all crazy over them. Personally, I'm an ass man. Does that sound gay? I like a nice round, curvey ass on a woman and I'm happy. So, in protest of treating women like pieces of meat, I am refusing to post the naked picture of Ms. Theyriau's glistening and wet nude body on my blog.
I was only kidding. There you go. Enjoy the day!

Saddam's half-brother testifies

Where's that circus music coming from?

The trial of Saddam Hussein and seven co-defendants resumed in Baghdad on Wednesday, with the ousted Iraqi leader's half-brother denying he had made arrests in a village where Saddam escaped assassination in 1982.

This is so stupid. If Saddam is found innocent, what do we do about the fact we killed both his sons? Does Hallmark make a "Sorry we blew up your heirs" card?

"I arrested no one; it was the security services that were in charge," Barzan al-Tikriti, former head of the secret service, testified before the Iraqi High Tribunal.

It was the security service, I was in charge of the SECRET service...stupid.

Barzan, the seventh defendant to testify on charges of killing 140 Shi'ites in the village of Dujail, said he only visited the village twice, on the day of the assassination attempt and the following day.

Well, why would he visit after the chemical attack? I wouldn't visit the family of someone I murdered. It's just awkward.

Robertson finds radical Muslims 'satanic'

Funny, I find Christian TV Evangelists satanic as well.
Television evangelist Pat Robertson said Monday on his live news-and-talk program "The 700 Club" that Islam is not a religion of peace, and that radical Muslims are "satanic."

I don't believe in "Satan" so I'm not going to go with him on this one. I do agree that Islam is not a religion of peace, especially in the Middle East. I know it can be. Just like Catholicism and Christianity in the wrong hands can become violent. Sure, there are plenty of violent passages in the Quran but when you take those quotes out of the fucking dark ages, maybe we can discover a meaning in which we don't have to have non-Muslims heads sawed off. Maybe huh?

Personally though, TV Evangelists should be the last to open their fucking mouths about who is evil and who isn't.

Robertson also said that "the goal of Islam, ladies and gentlemen, whether you like it or not, is world domination."

Like the crusades? 'Member those?
Seems every religion struggles a bit with a push for globalization. Unfortunately it just took Islam a long ass time to come around to it.

Issac Hayes quits 'South Park'

Oh man, that's too bad. Why would Issac Hayes leave such a good show?

Isaac Hayes has quit the show in outrage at its treatment of Scientology - ending a nine-year association with a cartoon that has left few other religious or political groups unmocked.

Oh well, that's a bit selfish now isn't it Mr. Hayes. You're a part of a show that has made fun of everyone from Jews to Christians, Blacks, Spanish and Whites, Gays and Straights and everyone in between and they've gone too far when they insult YOUR religion. Bit childish if you ask me.

So we're to believe that making fun of everyone else is okay but you can't take it when the jokes on you Mr. Hayes? Guess so.

Too bad. Funny show. Won't be the same without you. Of course, there's always the Simpsons and Family Guy.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Ready or Not, Bird Flu Is Coming to America

Should I buy a gun?

In a remarkable speech over the weekend, Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt recommended that Americans start storing canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds as the prospect of a deadly bird flu outbreak approaches the United States.

Okay, just out of fucking curiousity, why canned tuna and powdered milk? Why not canned peas and bottled water? I don't like tuna. And don't you have to add water to powder milk anyway?
It is being spread much faster than first predicted from one wild flock of birds to another, an airborne delivery system that no government can stop.

Damn birds, always trying to kill us.

"There's no way you can protect the United States by building a big cage around it and preventing wild birds from flying in and out," U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Michael Johanns said.

Well thanks for thinking realistically Mike. Anyone else want to open their mouths and remove all doubt that they are not qualified to be quoted in a newspaper? Anyone?

U.S. spy satellites are tracking the infected flocks, which started in Asia and are now heading north to Siberia and Alaska, where they will soon mingle with flocks from the North American flyways.

Hear that al-Qaeda? We're using the satellites for bird-watching. Just want to make sure you heard that.

It is the droppings of infected waterfowl that carry the virus.

Alright guys, try not to consume bird shit and you'll be okay. It'll be tough, we all love our bird shit breakfast but sacrifices must be made.

TV Game Show Host, Wife Killed

Oh God, not Pat Sajak, who will tell people to spin the wheel!

Peter Tomarken, who was the host of numerous TV game shows, including the popular "Press Your Luck," was killed Monday along with his wife when the small plane he was piloting on a volunteer medical mission to San Diego crashed into Santa Monica Bay.

The host of "Press Your Luck" was killed in a plane crash. Remember, it's not nice to laugh at the dead so make sure you're alone before you let this one out.

Tomarken, 63, was leaving Santa Monica Airport on a trip for Angel Flight West, which provides air transportation to medical patients who are unable to afford air travel, when he reported engine trouble and attempted to return to the airport about 9:30 a.m.

No whammy, no whammy, no whammy...STOP!

A few minutes later, beachgoers said they saw a plane go down just south of the Santa Monica Pier and crash into the ocean, causing a large splash.


Rice courts moderate Indonesia

Is our Secretery of State trying to sleep with Indonesia? She sure loves her job.

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice praised Indonesia's "moderate policies" on Tuesday, courting an Islamic country she hopes will improve Washington's image in a region where anti-American sentiment is growing.

Does anyone out there like us? I'm beginning to feel a bit isolated now. Just so we're all clear. I don't agree with half the things my government does so, yeah, don't umm...don't kill me. Thanks.

Rice is on a two-day visit to the world's most populous Muslim nation.

Bet she's just little miss popular over there.

"I understand that the United States has had to do things in the world that are not that popular in much of the world. We are fighting a very tough enemy, an enemy that has been felt here in Indonesia with bombings in Bali and Jakarta," said Rice.

Have we ever bombed Indonesia cause if we have that speech is pointless? The only people who like Americans are other Americans, sometimes, and sometimes some Europeans but mostly for our entertainment value. Other than that, we're viewed as worthless human beings ripe for destruction. I happen to disagree but hey, I've been wrong before.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Gay Issue Spurs Catholic Group to End Adoptions

200 dollars says that if doctors could discover a "gay gene" in a fetus Catholics and Christians would sudden look at abortion in a whole new light.

Catholic Charities of Boston will stop placing children in adoptive homes after a century of doing so, saying it no longer wants to have to consider gay couples as parents, which it must do under the law.

So you'd rather the kids not have a home than live in a home with gay parents. That's so very Christian of you.

Before announcing its decision to end adoption services this weekend, Catholic Charities of Boston quietly processed a small number of gay adoptions, despite strong opposition from the Vatican.

You all suck, just so we're on the same page, I hate you religious people. You're dangerous.

Over the past two decades, more than 700 children have been adopted thanks to Catholic Charities of Boston. Of those, 13 were placed in the homes of gay couples.

Oh those poor 13 children, being raised in a gay home and, what, growing up with a wonderful sense of fashion? What's the fucking problem exactly? I'm so tired of reading and hearing about this so-called "news" when their are bigger problems in the world than whether two men who have sex behind closed doors have the right to fuck up the head of a child. And not fuck the child up cause their gay, but because, that's what we as Americans do to our children.

Hecklers harass families of US soldiers killed in Iraq

Only in America. See what happens when you give stupid people freedom?

Five women sang and danced as they held up signs saying "thank God for dead soldiers" at the funeral of an army sergeant who was killed by an Iraqi bomb.

Sometimes, in rare occassions, murder should be legal.

For them, it was the perfect way to spread God's word: America was being punished for tolerating homosexuality.

I knew it was going to be something like that. It's sad that our freedoms extend and cover lack of common sense and lack of class. Think of the irony here. These people are protesting at the funeral of a soldier that died to preserve the right of theirs to protest. Weird.

The Westboro Baptist Church first gained national notoriety when they picked the funeral of Matthew Shepard, a Wyoming student who was murdered in 1998 for being gay.

And I'm sure God loves you for your compassion. Sometimes you come across people that you truly know the world would be better off if they had a cooking accident or something.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Sunday Sign of Hope 3/12/06

Blind Baseball Reporter Gets Married At Home Plate

from WNBC:

This home run at Yankee Stadium will be capped with a kiss.

On Friday, the hallowed Bronx ballpark was turned into a wedding chapel for baseball fan Allison Pheifle and Ed Lucas, a radio baseball reporter who was blinded as a child when a line drive hit him between the eyes.

The 67-year-old from Union, N.J., and his somewhat younger fiancee were being married at home plate on a day when the sun warmed the winter air to an unseasonable 72 degrees. They had been introduced several years ago -- by Yankee legend Phil Rizzuto.

It was a first for the stadium, where the knot has been tied in the clubhouse and in Monument Park behind the outfield fence, but never on the actual field.

Lucas is a favorite of Yankees players and staff, having covered the team for a radio syndicate for decades while brushing shoulders with greats like Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle, Ron Guidry and Bobby Thomson.

For better and worse, baseball had changed his life.

The last game Lucas actually saw was on Oct. 3, 1951, when as a 12-year-old he ran home from school in time to see Thomson hit the "Shot Heard 'Round the World" to win the National League pennant for the New York Giants. Afterward, he was pitching a game when a ball struck him between the eyes, detaching both retinas and wrecking his sight.

One day, his mother discovered that Rizzuto worked offseason at a men's clothing store in Newark, N.J., and she took her frightened, depressed son there. The great Yankee shortstop took an interest in the blind boy.

Lucas learned to write about baseball and graduated from Seton Hall University with a degree in communications. He landed a job at a New Jersey radio station and would bring a reel-to-reel tape recorder to games to interview players.

While he doesn't do play-by-play, he has a sort of inner eye for baseball and can often tell whether a ball will leave the park or be caught on the warning track.

"I can hear where the ball is being hit, just by the sound," he says.

He sits in the press box and listens to live radio broadcasts of the game, then walks to the field or locker room to talk to players and coaches. He does radio commentaries, and his notes are transcribed for newspaper and magazine articles.

Rizzuto, now 88, was on the guest list for the wedding, along with former Yankees catcher Rick Cerone and former Yankees manager Gene Michael.

The bride, a former nurse whose detached retina left her legally blind, planned to "walk down the aisle" from the Yankee dugout to home plate, where the groom would wait, flanked by his best men -- sons Eddie and Chris, who are in their 30s. He raised them alone after his wife left him.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Israel says US not doing enough to stop Iran

Oh shut the fuck up, we don't need it from you too.

The United States has until now not done enough to prevent Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons, a senior Defense Ministry official has told The Jerusalem Post while expressing hope that Wednesday's referral of the Iranian issue to the United Nations Security Council would prove to be effective.

You have bombs, do it yourself. I don't know if you keep up on current events but we're a little fucking busy right now.

"America needs to get its act together," the official said.

Yeah cause we're the problem. People get mad when America tries to police the world and then people get upset when we don't. There's just no pleasing anyone. And I dated a Jewish girl once, trust me, they're the hardest people in the world to please.

"Until now the US administration has just been talking tough but the time has come for the Americans to begin to take tough action."

So when did we become Israels attack dog?

Bush Says Iraq Is in a 'Period of Tension'

Yeah, it's lasted about eight decades.

President Bush said Friday that new sectarian strife had created "a period of tension" in Iraq, as his aides unveiled plans for a series of presidential speeches on what was going right — and, to a degree, what had gone wrong — in the conflict.

A period of tension? That sounds kind of light. Can we call it a period of holy shit, they're fucking crazy?

Former White House adviser arrested

I'm not surprised, I'm really not.

A former domestic policy adviser to President Bush has been charged with theft for allegedly receiving phony refunds at department stores.

What's the salary for a White House advisor? Is it that little that you need to steal from department stores cause that would actually make me feel better about my job.

Claude Alexander Allen, 45, was arrested Thursday by Montgomery County police for allegedly claiming refunds for more than $5,000 worth of merchandise he did not buy, according to county and federal authorities.

Man, talk about the government stealing from the common man. Now they're doing it exactly how we do. I expect better from you guys.

Allen was the No. 2 official in the Health and Human Services Department.

Human services? Fuck you.

Man's Shoes Set Off Alarm at La Guardia

The new Nike Air Hijackers are out.

Security officials evacuated a terminal at La Guardia Airport for about two hours yesterday afternoon after a traveler walked away from a checkpoint wearing shoes that had set off an alarm.

Have we learned nothing people? If you set off an alarm at an airport, stay still. Don't walk away, you didn't win a prize. Unless you consider five bullets slamming into your forehead a reward system.

Police officers and dogs searched in vain through the terminal and several planes for the traveler, a man who was not identified.

Wait, he got away. Hold on, I'm getting in my basement.

The man, who appeared to be in his 50's, apparently thought his screening was complete when he left the checkpoint about 2:50 p.m.

Even after he set off the buzzer? Way to stay on top of the situation security guys. He pulled a fast one and walked away. Do we at least still have his shoes?

The screeners at La Guardia believed the alarm was false and may have been triggered by a benign substance, like fertilizer.

You better fucking hope so. Well, I feel safe. You?

Killer kites end Pakistan's game of death


It is one of Pakistan's great parties — a joyous spring festival in the southern city of Lahore where people crowd on to rooftops under a riotous sky filled with fluttering kites.

Radical Islam, suicide bombings, pro-Taliban militants in the border region, car-bombings and kite flying. One of these things is not like the other. See if you can figure it out without help from your parents.

But this year the age-old celebration of Basant has been cancelled amid worries about killer kites, knife-sharp strings and ominous threats to prosecute teenage "terrorists".

Damn killer kites and sharp strings. Listen, if you're killed by a kite, it was just your time to go. Really.

The Punjab authorities announced the kite-flying ban, in effect ending this weekend's festival, after seven recent kite-related deaths.

Seven? This leads me to believe that you all are flying the kites wrong.

Most victims had their throats cut by sharpened kite strings coated with ground glass or metal filings.

Who knew kites were so fucking dangerous? They sneak up behind you and SLASH, you're a goner. What the fuck are you people doing over there? I've seen thousands of people flying kites in my lifetime and never once did they need emergency assistance let alone a blood transfusion and pressure placed on the neck wound.
And why are you coating kite strings with ground glass and metal filings? What possible reason could you fucking have for turning a kite into a fatal flying guillotine?

Kite flying is a popular passion across south Asia.


To gain the upper hand enthusiasts have spurned cotton strings for glass-coated versions, often strengthened with chemicals. The upgraded strings can be as sharp as a knife. Every year the Pakistani press carries gruesome accounts of deaths caused by kite flying.

Guys guys guys, can't you do anything without hurting someone. For the love of God, the upper hand in kite flying? Is becoming the #1 kite flier in the Middle East worth decpaitating the bystanders? Wait...don't answer that. Just put the kites down.

Explosives found in India rail station

If you can describe the explosives they will be returned. Please see the lost and found divison. Thank you.

Police found a cache of explosives Saturday at a railway station in Mumbai, India's financial hub, four days after a series of deadly blasts in a holy Hindu city blamed on Islamic militants.

What constitutes a cache? And how does one hide a cache at a railway station without anyone noticing? Wake up India, people carrying ticking bags and stashing them in the railway station probably constitutes "suspicious behavior" and probably should be brought to someones attention.

Some explosives and some parts which can be used for making an IED (improvised explosive device) have been found at Byculla railway station on top of a toilet block," said Roy.

I was going to suicide bomb the railway station, but my stomach started growling and, hey, when nature calls you better answer. Puts a spin on "dropping a bomb in the bathroom".

Milosevic is found dead in his cell

Does this mean the trial's off?

Former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic has died, the United Nations tribunal in the Netherlands announced on Saturday. "Milosevic was found lifeless on his bed in his cell at the United Nations detention unit," the tribunal said in a statement.

It's a tricky defense strategy, let's see if it works out for him.

Milosevic had suffered a heart condition and high blood pressure which had repeatedly interrupted his trial.

Seems like it has now rudely interupted his life as well.

Referring to the International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia, his widow, Mirjana, told CNN: "The tribunal has killed my husband."

No, his heart killed him.

His death has not been confirmed by CNN.

Oh well wait a minute. It hasn't been confirmed by the forensics experts over at CNN yet. I don't believe anything until CNN confirms it. I mean, what the fuck does the UN and the soldiers at the prison holding Milosevic know? They're not as trustworthy as the honest and balanced American media. Until CNN confirms this I'm going to believe the man is still living.
CNN has greatly overestimated its own importance.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Tennessee senate wades into abortion fight

People still live in Tennessee? Why?

The state Senate on Thursday passed a proposal to amend the Tennessee Constitution so that it doesn't guarantee a woman's right to an abortion.

Hey while we're at it lets take away their right to vote and start selling black people again. I mean, why not, we seem so happy to move the fuck backwards in this country.

The 24-9 vote was the first step of many toward officially amending the state constitution. The measure would go before voters if the General Assembly approves it twice over the next two years.

So, umm, when the fuck did the Christians get all this political power? Where's the fucking rapture when you need it.
I'm going to be making some phone calls today to Canada, England and maybe Greenland and see if they have anymore room over there cause this country has lost its fucking mind.

NASA Makes Announcement

Everyone quiet! The space nerds want to say something.

Earth has been the only place known with running water until now. Scientists announced a startling discovery on Enceladus, one of Saturn's moons. Scientists say that moon is shooting out massive jets of cold water, from the moon's South Pole.

Okay, what's that mean? There may be life on one of Saturn's moons or is there some sort of galatic water fight going on and no one's letting us play?

It's Enceladus's cold-water version of Old Faithful. Saturn's moon Enceladus is roughly a 300-mile wide planet, about the size of Great Britain.

A tiny planet with a geyser. Hold on while I attempt to contain my excitement...ok...done.

Oceanographer Dr. George Maul said, "That would suggest there's some heating from below, much like you see the plumes coming out of Old Faithful."

I'm dancing in my skin.

NASA's possible discovery of cold running water on another body in the solar system is a huge find for the agency. Because scientists say where there is water, there is always the possibility of life.

Wake me up if they're going to attack us.

"We've always associated liquid water with life," Maul said.

That's cause we need it to live.

"It's above zero, above freezing, and whenever you find above freezing water temperatures on earth, you find life someplace in that. So one would expect, and perhaps hope to find that there is something in these other planets," Maul said.

We're going to find some microbes on one of Saturn's moons, get all excited, collect a sample, bring it to earth and set loose the Saturn Flu. Watch.

Man jailed for drugging his children's tennis rivals

It's not whether you win or lose but how fucking crazy your father is.

A father so obsessed with his children's triumphs on the tennis court that he secretly drugged their competitors was sentenced to eight years in prison yesterday by a French court.

I was beginning to wonder why all my matches always ended in forfeit when my opponent vomited, put Pink Floyd on the radio and left the court to buy chips.

The verdict against Christophe Fauviau, a 46-year-old retired army officer whose own brother described him as the devil, brought to a close one of the country's strangest and most riveting recent criminal cases.

An asshole? Maybe. Obsessive? Absolutely. Creative? Sure I'll give him that. The devil? I don't know if I'd go that far. I mean, sure drugging your kids tennis opponents is a fucked up thing to do but I don't know if it's on par with the devil.

It featured Mr. Fauviau blaming his bewildered parents for maiming him emotionally as a child, his tearful apology to his victims and his lawyer's claim that French Tennis Federation officials should have stopped him after noticing that so many of the Fauviau family's rivals were falling ill with remarkably similar symptoms.

It's everybody's fault but Mr. Fauviau's right? Of course it is.

One of the young victims was apparently so disoriented and drowsy from the secret dose of the anti-anxiety drug Temesta that he crashed his car on a quiet country road after a match three years ago and died from his injuries. Investigators found six times the normally prescribed dose of the drug in his bloodstream.

Ah...that devil thing is looking more and more clear now.

While taking responsibility for drugging his children's sports rivals, Mr. Fauviau also maintained that he had blocked out all memory of how he actually administered the drug before their matches.

Eight years may not be enough in this case. Prehaps some sort of beating as well, administered by the father of the kid that crashed his car. That sounds fair.
All this over tennis, which is boring anyway.