Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Bruce Springsteen endorses Obama for president

Oh, well, that seals the deal for me. Of course I'm going to vote for whoever Bruce Springsteen votes for cause he can play a guitar. Give me a fucking break. Who cares.

Rock star Bruce Springsteen endorsed Democratic Sen. Barack Obama for president Wednesday, saying "he speaks to the America I've envisioned in my music for the past 35 years."

But what if you listen to Death Metal?

In a letter addressed to friends and fans posted his Web site, Springsteen said he believes Obama is the best candidate to undo "the terrible damage done over the past eight years."

It's going to take longer than one president to undo the damage done over the past eight years. Thinking the damage is solely the fault of the current administration (while a lot of it does fall on their shoulders) is narrow-minded. It would surprise most Americans to find out that, no, we actually don't control the fate of the world.

"He has the depth, the reflectiveness, and the resilience to be our next president," the letter said. "He speaks to the America I've envisioned in my music for the past 35 years, a generous nation with a citizenry willing to tackle nuanced and complex problems, a country that's interested in its collective destiny and in the potential of its gathered spirit. A place where '...nobody crowds you, and nobody goes it alone.' "

Nobody crowds you. He's from New Jersey right? He's lost his mind, it's crowded as all hell here. I guess you get a different view when you make a few hundred million dollars. Guess that kind of puts you in another league than most of us "average" Americans. So then why should we give two shits who you're voting for?

The bard of New Jersey is known for his lyrics about the struggles of working-class Americans, particularly in the economically ravaged factory towns of the Northeast.

How's that struggle going for you Mr. Moneypants. If I sound bitter it's only because I'm bitter.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Pope Benedict XVI begins first U.S. tour

He's in for a little bit of a surprise. Those religious values that this country was founded on have gotten a little hazy as of lately.

A smiling Pope Benedict XVI arrived in the United States on Tuesday afternoon to start the six-day, two-city journey that will take him from the White House to the halls of the United Nations.

He's seeing all the sights, sort of, well, not really. Just two. But they're really nice buildings.

The papal plane, Shepherd 1, touched down at Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland to cheers from a crowd of invited guests gathered for the event.

Shepard 1. There's something morally twisted about that. And would they have invited guests that wouldn't have applauded?

After he stepped off the plane, Benedict did not kiss the ground, as his predecessor, Pope John Paul II, often did during visits.

I don't blame him. Who knows where that tarmacs been.

The pontiff was greeted by President Bush, first lady Laura Bush and their daughter Jenna, each of whom shook his hand.

What no bear-hugs?

It was believed to be the first time an American president has greeted a world dignitary on arrival at Andrews.

Believed? Do our records not go far back enough? Exactly how long have we had an Andrews Air Force Base?

"It had the look and feel of a monumental and historic event," CNN's Brian Todd reported.

"But it tasted like Chinese food."

Monday, April 14, 2008

Artillery Shrapnel Hits House, Kills Cat

Yeah, but the cat was working with al-qaeda.

A New Jersey family had some scary moments after their house was hit by a fiery missile.

Of course it's scary. Who knows where that missiles been.

A fragment of a two-pound artillery shell plummeted through the roof of their Jefferson Township home around 2:30 p.m. Friday, landing on their little girl's bed -- ultimately killing the family's cat.

This happened in New Jersey. Sounds like there was some bad intell huh.

CBS Station WCBS correspondent Lou Young reports the shell was fired off from the Picatinny Arsenal, the U.S. Army's sprawling weapons research facility in Picatinny, 2.5 to 3 miles away.

Wow, sounds like it was just that cats time to go. By the way, what exactly are you researching over there, mass panic?

"They heard the explosion, they felt the concussion and a few seconds later the piece came through the roof," homeowner Fred Angle said.

"This is only supposed to happen in the middle east."

The sheer random chance of the event is staggering.

Not really all that random when you fire a shell into the air. It's got to come down somewhere.

Shrapnel came sailing through the air in an arc punching a hole in the roof the size of a fist, into the bedroom where 10-year-old Cassandra sleeps.

A Webkinz doll was wounded in the shelling, its condition unknown at this time.

Brandon Gadow, Cassandra's brother, tried to grab the shrapnel, but it was too hot. He pulled the blanket and the cat outside and called the police.

"Get that out of the house. It stinks."

The family's cat was injured and had to be euthanized, but Cassandra was spared because she was picked up early for a playdate.

I always thought animals had a sixth sense for approaching danger.

"Literally she would've been sitting in the bed with the cat because that was where she was before she left," Cassandra's mother Cheryl Angle said. "The cat ended up staying there when she left."

"You go play, I'm going to stretch out here on the bed where it's safe and warm and...hey, what's that whistling sound?"

Base spokesman Peter Rowlands said, "We deeply regret what happened and also the effect it's had on the family, the loss of their pet, and also the damage to their home, and just the fright they experienced."

So, would you like to explain why you're firing fiery projectiles into populated areas here in our home country?

The Army knows it was lucky -- that it dodged a bullet, not to put too fine a point on it -- and as a result all outdoor weapons testing has been suspended pending the outcome of an investigation.

Lucky? Yeah everyone except the cat. As for an investigation, I figured it had something to do with pushing the "fire" button while the cannon was aimed at the neighbors.

Army brass will be back out at the house soon to talk about compensation for the family.

"We bought you a new kitten."
"Whys it have a target painted on it?"
"Um...never mind that."

Ironically, the Army says the accident occurred while it was testing safer way to dispose of unwanted artillery shells.

So depositing them through the roof of the neighbors house isn't feasible. Better find a new way, how about just launching them in the other direction and seeing how that goes.