NBA Player Watching Porn, Drunk Before Crash

That sure is multi-tasking.

On March 30, Minnesota Timberwolves center Eddie Griffin was drunk and masturbating when he crashed his luxury SUV into a parked Suburban outside a store in Minneapolis, according to a lawsuit filed Thursday by the man whose Suburban was hit in the crash.

Of all the things not to do while you're driving. Jeez.

Several of the 911 callers that night said Griffin was drunk. One witness said Griffin told him he was watching pornography in a DVD player mounted on the dashboard of his Cadillac Escalade SUV when he struck a Chevy Suburban parked on University Avenue Southeast.

He had in backwards. You race home to drink and masturbate and not try to fit it all in at once. I'm sure NBA stars have a busy schedule but there's always time for that magical few moments of self-pleasuring. Next time try to wait until you hit the showers Eddie.

Bin Laden Warns Bush, Demands Return of Zarqawi Body

I say not only should we keep Zarqawi's body and the body of ever other al-qaeda fighter we make dead, we should promise to bury them wrong, against the laws of Islam. We should fire the bodies out of a cannon at a wall made of pork and liquor bottles.

Osama Bin Laden warned U.S. President George W. Bush not to rejoice over the killing of Abu Musab al- Zarqawi, and demanded that the body of al-Qaeda's Iraq chief be returned to Jordan, according to an audiotape aired today.

Too late, we already rejoiced.

The person on the tape, whose voice hasn't yet been verified as bin Laden's, said al-Qaeda will continue its ``jihad,'' or holy war, in Iraq under the command of al-Zarqawi's successor.

Until we kill that fucker too. It's a vicious circle for al-qaeda. Promotions in that organization are not looked forward to.

Rich folks get more sleep

Well it's easy to sleep when you're not worrying about how the fuck you're going to pay the rent AND the electric bill with your measly paycheck from your bullshit job. Plus, I hear sleeping on stacks of hundred dollar bills is really comfy.

In a study of sleep characteristics in 669 adults in Chicago who were compared by sex and race, investigators found that blacks got less sleep than whites, while men got less sleep than women.

I can't speak for blacks cause I'm not black. But as a man I can say one reason we get less sleep is because it's really hard to find a peaceful state after your woman just bitched at you for an hour and a half before she finally cried herself to sleep cause you never buy her flowers anymore. Maybe black people don't sleep well cause of racism.

Furthermore, the wealthier you are, the more sleep you're likely to get, Dr. Diane S. Lauderdale of the University of Chicago and her colleagues found.

I hate rich people.

Supreme Court Blocks Bush, Gitmo War Trials

Bush block...sounds dirty.

The Supreme Court ruled Thursday that President Bush overstepped his authority in ordering military war crimes trials for Guantanamo Bay detainees, saying in a strong rebuke that the trials were illegal under U.S. and international law.

You mean the President of the US overstepped his authority? Surprise, surprise. So what do we do with enemy combatants? Lets do what the enemy would do to any US soldiers, British, Canadian soldiers they capture. I think we all know what that is.

Bush said there might still be a way to work with Congress to sanction military tribunals for detainees and the American people should know the ruling "won't cause killers to be put out on the street."

Well, at least not on OUR streets.

The ruling raises major questions about the legal status of the approximately 450 men still being held at the U.S. military prison in Cuba and exactly how, when and where the administration might pursue the charges against them.

I'm not all that worried about it. You?

US supports Gaza assault, but warns Israel on civilians

Take it from us, the civilian thing never goes over well. Of course, that seems to stand only for us though.

The United States on Wednesday offered support for Israel's assault on the Gaza Strip, blamed Hamas for the incursion, and urged the Palestinian militant group to free a captured Israeli soldier.

Why is the US even involved? You'll never please both sides of that conflict. Neutral. That's the way to go if you ask me.

President George W Bush's spokesman Tony Snow did however call on Israeli forces to safeguard civilian life after Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert vowed to use "extreme means" to free the teenaged conscript Gilad Shalit.

If everyone has a gun, who are the civilians?

Hawaii's Beaches Covered with Homeless

Odd. We use sand on the mainland.

Honolulu Mayor Mufi Hannemann on Monday gave homeless people who live in parks along the Waianae Coast about two months notice to move out.

It's nice to give them notice at least. Considering they don't actually LIVE there.

The city plans major renovations at parks there -- possibly as soon as September. The construction work would require the homeless to leave at least temporarily.

Then you can move back in. Hawaii sure is nice.

Clowns Sabotage Nuke Missile

Oh boy.

On Tuesday morning, a retired Catholic priest and two veterans put on clown suits, busted into a nuclear missile launch facility, and began beating the silo cover with hammers, in an attempt to take the Minuteman III missile off-line.

Are you serious?

Seriously.

Ok then.

The trio -- members of the Luck, Wisconsin group Nukewatch -- said the break-in was part of "a call for national repentance" for the Hiroshima and Nagaski A-bombings in 1945.

Yeah, maybe you shouldn't hit the nuclear silo with a hammer. Just a thought. A little suggestion if you will. Why'd you dress like clowns? I mean, aside from being completely out of your fucking minds?

The activists used bolt-cutters to get into the E-9 Minuteman II facility, located just northwest of the White Shield, North Dakota. "Using a sledgehammer and household hammers, they disabled the lock on the personnel entry hatch that provides access to the warhead and they hammered on the silo lid that covers the 300 kiloton nuclear warhead," the group said in a statement. "The activists painted 'It's a sin to build a nuclear weapon' on the face of the 110-ton hardened silo cover and the peace activists poured their blood on the missile lid."

It's even more of a sin to set one off with a hammer. Anyone else get the feeling that the security at our nuclear sites perhaps is due for a look-over?

Huge Asteroid to Fly Past Earth July 3

That's like a galatic warning shot.

An asteroid possibly as large as a half-mile or more in diameter is rapidly approaching the Earth. There is no need for concern, for no collision is in the offing, but the space rock will make an exceptionally close approach to our planet early on Monday, July 3, passing just beyond the Moon's average distance from Earth.

Any possibility I could hitch a ride?

And skywatchers with good telescopes and some experience just might be able to get a glimpse of this cosmic rock as it streaks rapidly past our planet in the wee hours Monday. The closest approach occurs late Sunday for U.S. West Coast skywatchers.

I'll catch the next one when it barrels into us like a drunk driver in rushhour traffic.

Israeli aircraft blow up bridge in northern Gaza Strip

Here they go. Should have given them their soldier back.

IAF aircraft blew up a bridge in the northern Gaza Strip shortly before midnight on Tuesday. The army said that the operation was intended to keep Hamas from taking kidnapped soldier Cpl. Gilad Shalit out of the Gaza Strip

I have to be honest. I don't hold out much hope for the survival of the Israeli soldier captive in Palestine. I do however have a gut feeling that he won't be going into the great beyond all by himself.

In addition, IDF tanks were stationed around Gaza, and were awaiting orders to begin a ground incursion into the strip. However, the army contradicted an Israel Radio report that the tanks had actually begun moving into the Strip.

Why those people over there want to spend the short precious life we are given fighting each other day after day is well beyond me. Has anyone over there questioned the possibility that there is no afterlife and that all the fighting and martyring and bombings and anger is actually more pointless than drying your clothes in the rain?

Earlier, Defense Minister Amir Peretz said that "the clock is running out, and Israel is poised and ready for a military operation in the Gaza Strip."

Guess not. Oh well. Wonder what's on TV.

Gay Pride Parade Shines Through Rain

We're here, we're queer...it's raining.

Drag queens in knee-high boots, kids with two dads and New York City's first openly gay city council speaker were among hundreds of thousands attending gay pride parades across the nation.

Good for you. I'm staying home. You people are too colorful for me. Hurts the senses.

Tens of thousands of spectators lined Fifth Avenue on Sunday for the city's annual parade, withstanding intermittent rain and turning the route into a sea of rainbows with colorful floats and lavish costumes.

Fabulous. Just when I thought I couldn't care less about what's going on today this comes in. Now, I feel like someone owes me another day. It's not that I'm against gay people having a parade...I just don't care anymore. My parents grew up in Greenwich Village in Manhatten. I used to go there a lot. It's a gay parade everyday.

Smart Pill to report from inside the body

It's a fucking mess in here.

Soon Big Brother may be watching from the inside out. Like a Mars Orbiter beaming data back to Earth, a power-packed pill will soon be broadcasting from a stomach near you, transmitting both medical measurements and the device’s position as it travels through the body.

Oh good, now I can watch myself rot away on TV. Great.
So that's where my car keys went.

Israel 'will ensure Hamas govt toppled' if soldier slain

Man, you guys are really, really asking for it.

Israel will work to ensure the Hamas-led government falls if a soldier kidnapped by Palestinian militants is not released alive, a high-ranking security official said.

Chemical weapons threats, kidnapping soldiers, this won't end pretty. But then again, nothing ever does, does it?

Al-Aksa threatens Israel with Chemical Weapons

Yea, great idea, give 'em a reason.

The Aksa Martyrs Brigades announced on Sunday that its members have succeeded in manufacturing chemical and biological weapons.

Great, now there's terror operatives running at Israel with spray paint and moldy bread.

In a leaflet distributed in the Gaza Strip, the group, which belongs to Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas's Fatah Party, said the weapons were the result of a three-year effort.
And all that effort is going to go up in smoke, literally, if you even try to use it. I mean, Israel bombs picnics for fuck sake. Imagine what they do if you set off a bomb with Tide in it.

According to the statement, the first of its kind, the group has managed to manufacture and develop at least 20 different types of biological and chemical weapons.

Cough Bullshit! cough. I find this hard to believe. For the last decade you people have been firing homemade rockets into Israel like bottle rockets and blowing yourselves up on buses and now, you've jumped straight into weapons of mass destruction? Come on. There has to be a half-way point.

Iced marijuana tea to debut in British health food shops

See now, that's what I need before a hard day at work. Leave it to the tea-masters over in Britain to do it right.

British health food shops will soon be offering customers iced cannabis tea, its Swiss distributor said. Sold under the label "C-Ice Swiss Cannabis Ice Tea", the beverage contains five percent of hemp flower syrup and a tiny (0.0015 percent) quantity of THC, the active ingredient of marijuana.

Oh man, that's way too little THC. You won't get high off that unless you drink about eight gallons. Clear your schedules partners. What a waste though. I don't know anyone who ever said "Man, I wish they could get the THC out of my weed man, cause I love the taste."

Any ingredient that could put it in the drugs category has been removed and the tea will not lead to dependency.

Just frustration.

But British anti-drug campaigners say that selling the tea is dangerous because it will give young people the impression that cannabis is commonplace.

It is. I smoked a lot of pot in my day but have never touched any other drug. Why? Cause I don't trust my fellow man enough to do any drug manufactered by another human being. The idea that marijuana is an evil, evil plant is so medeval that at this point they should legalize it just so we can forget, even if only for about a half an hour, how fucked up the world is.

Sunday Sign of Hope 6/25/06

Former ‘Magnificent Bastards’ react to sniper rifle recovery

From USMC:

Call it a little bit of justice.

Marine snipers from 3rd Battalion, 5th Marine Regiment shot and killed an insurgent sniper and spotter preparing to shoot at passing Marines, June 16. And the insurgents were going to use a stolen Marine sniper rifle for the attack.

That rifle – an M-40A1 – belonged to the “Magnificent Bastards” of 2nd Battalion, 4th Marine Regiment, a battalion within the Regimental Combat Team 5 family. It was taken by insurgents when a team of four Marines were killed in a rooftop outpost June 21, 2004, in Ramadi.

Nearly two years to the day, Sgt. Maj. James E. Booker, the battalion’s sergeant major during their tour in Ramadi, said the news “sends a chill down my spine.”

“It makes me feel real good to know a brother sniper got final revenge,” said Booker, in a phone interview from his post as the Marine detachment sergeant major at Fort Sill, Okla. “I really respect those young studs to do what they did.”

Booker should know. Aside from leading his Marines through Ramadi, he’s a 20-year sniper himself, first acquiring the skill in 1986. He later led 1st Marine Division School’s Scout-Sniper School.

And Booker knew the four Marines killed on the rooftop that day as well. Lance Cpl. Deshon Otey was the sole survivor of an ambush that killed his entire squad in April 2004. Lance Cpl. Juan Lopez was a combat replacement, pulled in to beef up the ranks.

Lance Cpl. Pedro Contreras “was a good doggone kid,” Booker said. “He and I got in a gunfight together.”

The final member was Cpl. Tommy Parker Jr., the team’s only trained sniper.

“I can see it like the day I walked up there,” said Booker, a 44-year-old from Waco, Texas. He said they believed the team was killed around 10:40 a.m. After missing radio checks, a quick reaction force was dispatched.

“We were there within an hour of (insurgents) filming it,” he said. The video of the dead Marines was already playing across Arabic-language news channels.

A lot of confusion has surrounded that day. What is known is radio checks were logged from the time the team left their forward operating base around 1 a.m. until 7:30 a.m. the next day, the last time indicated in the logbook found in Contreras’ hand. They were found dead, blood pooled on the flat rooftop. A short wall surrounded the entire roof and a single staircase led to the top. They were found stripped of their weapons – two sniper rifles, four M-16A4s and a radio and thermal sight.

The rifle that was the extension of Parker was gone. He and his team were killed and there were no clear answers as to who killed them or what happened to their weapons.

“That’s sacred, the relationship you have with that thing,” Booker explained. “Parker shot thousands of rounds through that rifle.”

Cpl. Angel S. Villalobos, a 23-year-old from Taft, Texas, with RCT-5’s Personnel Security Detachment, was a Magnificent Bastard in Ramadi in 2004. He remembered the day clearly. It was the day before he himself was wounded.

“I wondered if it was this rifle that did it,” Villalobos said. “We were going through Ramadi, knocking down every door trying to find it.”

Navy Petty Officer 2nd Class Andrew R. Campanano, a 26-year-old from Allentown, Pa., is serving with RCT-5 and saw the four Marines often. They lined up – scout snipers and the aid station’s hospital corpsmen – alongside each other in formations.

“The guys who got this back, they’re great,” Campanano said. “These are the guys fighting this war out here.”

Villalobos held the rifle in his hands and fell silent. He held it low, cradling it and examined the chipped paint jobs applied by Marines over the years. The Unertl scope was missing, replaced by a Tasco, but otherwise, the rifle was in good working order.

“It means a lot knowing we got our rifle back because now they can’t use it against us,” Villalobos said. “I’m glad to know they got it back, but it brings up a lot of questions. It makes you wonder if they’re the ones who might have taken it.”

The rifle’s long journey back into the hands of Marines from 5th Marine Regiment wasn’t forgotten by any of the former Magnificent Bastards, including Master Sgt. Rod B. Schlosser, the regiment’s assistant operations chief. He was the company gunnery sergeant for Headquarters and Service Company, 2nd Battalion, 4th Marine Regiment in Ramadi.

The rifle was on his inventory and he cared for the four Marines.

“It’s bittersweet,” said Schlosser, a 38-year-old from Steubenville, Ohio. “You’re first thought is on the loss of the Marines. But you’re reminded to be thankful for the skills of the Marines today to bring closure to this.”

Schlosser said he often thought about the missing weapon, knowing the effect a sniper has on the battlefield. He also knew the insurgents had one of the finest rifles in their hands – and it was a Marine rifle, his Marines’ rifle.

“It gets under your skin,” he explained. “The most important thing is knowing it’s not in the hands of the enemy. There’s gratitude for the 3/5 Marines, for the lives they’ve saved taking it out of the enemy’s hands.”

Lt. Col. Paul J. Kennedy was the battalion’s commander in Ramadi. He now serves at the Office of Legislative Affairs and was told right away about the rifle’s recovery.

“I was very pleased,” Kennedy said by phone. “It’s justice being carried out. The guys who perpetrated this crime should be rotting in hell and 3/5 allowed that to occur.”

Kennedy has a hunch that the Darkhorse snipers of 3rd Battalion, 5th Marine Regiment got those who killed, or at least had a part in killing, his Marines.

“I don’t believe that weapon passed hands,” he said. “I think it was at least probably part of that cell. The very fact it was one of our snipers that killed theirs trying to use our rifle is poetic justice.”

Kennedy said the news wasn’t so much closure on the loss of his four Marines. They can’t be replaced and the rifle is never a replacement for the Marines. Still, it was fitting that another 5th Marine Regiment battalion recovered a rifle stolen from his Marines. It’s a family matter, one battalion supporting another from the same regiment.

What will happen to the rifle is still a question to be answered. Marines from RCT-5 are tracking down which unit should own it, according to how weapons sets were passed among deploying battalions. And the M-40A1s are being phased out for M-40A3s, a newer version used by Marines now.

Booker said he’d hate to see the weapon go back into use, knowing insurgents used it to try, and possibly did, kill Marines.

“There are evil spirits on it,” Booker said. Instead, he thinks it should be preserved.

“I would like to see it sit in a place of honor,” he added.

Kennedy said his battalion never brought home any war trophies. There was a memorial service to honor their 35 killed in action, but no lasting memorial exists at the battalion’s headquarters.

Kennedy said this rifle might be the appropriate memorial to all his Marines killed.

“Maybe if it was hung in the battalion area,” he said, “it would be a fitting memory to those four and the rest.”

Arroyo leaves hospital after medical care for diarrhea

I'm going to have to say I don't think the world needed to know this. Anyone care about the state of the presidental poopy?

Philippine President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo left hospital on Saturday morning after being treated by doctors the whole Friday for her diarrhea-ralated upset stomach.

Are you supposed to go to the hospital for that? Cause I usually just wait it out.

"She (Arroyo) is back to attending to the affairs of government," Health Secretary Francisco Duque told reporters.

And running back and forth to the tiolet every ten minutes.

Arroyo was originally planning to leave on Saturday for Spain to start her Europe trip.

Nothing ruins a trip like a good ole fashion case of the squirts.

Iraqi Government Declares State of Emergency

Now? I thought it's been a state of emergency for about three years now.
The Iraqi government declared a state of emergency in Baghdad after American forces were involved in quelling a firefight in the city's center.

Is there anything stronger than a state of emergency cause Baghdad needs it.

Miami men accused of discussing attacks on US

Every once in a while we are reminded there are people out there that want to hurt us. Pay attention.

Seven men were charged in the United States on Friday with discussing attacks on the landmark Sears Tower in Chicago and the FBI building in Miami in a mission they hoped would be "just as good or greater" than Sept. 11, U.S. officials said.

Mission failed.

But Attorney General Alberto Gonzales told a news conference in Washington that the plotting of the "home-grown terrorism cell" never went beyond the earliest planning stages.

Sure, the longer one stays in America, the lazier one gets. It's science.

"There was no immediate threat," Gonzales said, acknowledging the defendants never had any actual contact with al Qaeda and did not get their hands on weapons or explosives.

Let that be a lesson to everybody. You're being watched. Behave yourself.

Report: Hundreds of WMDs Found in Iraq

Better late than never I guess.

The United States has found 500 chemical weapons in Iraq since 2003, and more weapons of mass destruction are likely to be uncovered, two Republican lawmakers said Wednesday.

So...um...why are we just finding this out now? Democrats and opponents of the Iraq war have been screaming since the beginning about how we never found WMDs, that we were mislead, that the administration lied about WMDs and all along we did find them? I've lost faith in the powers that be. I'm moving to Iceland.

Reading from a declassified portion of a report by the National Ground Intelligence Center, a Defense Department intelligence unit, Santorum said: "Since 2003, coalition forces have recovered approximately 500 weapons munitions which contain degraded mustard or sarin nerve agent. Despite many efforts to locate and destroy Iraq's pre-Gulf War chemical munitions, filled and unfilled pre-Gulf War chemical munitions are assessed to still exist."

Well, while the anti-war groups find another reason to protest, I'm going to ask again. Why the fuck did the administration keep this a secret while everyone criticized them for faulty intelligence? Wow. Just fucking wow.

He added that the report warns about the hazards that the chemical weapons could still pose to coalition troops in Iraq.

Something's not right. Not saying I know what it is. But it's something.

Stalker Hides Under Woman's Bed for Two Days

There IS a monster under your bed. Wow.

A stalker hid under a woman's bed for two days -- just for the chance to be alone with her.

So in two days the woman wasn't alone in bed. Tramp.

The disturbing video shows the convicted stalker carefully hiding his video camera on a desk in the victim's bedroom. When he hears the woman and her boyfriend come in the apartment, he disappears under her bed. Carlo Castellanos-Feria remained there for two days until he was discovered by the victim's boyfriend.

Now that's patience. I can't hide under a bed for more than twenty minutes. I've tried. My girlfriend is prone to violent rage.

"In a lot of ways, [it's the] stuff of an urban nightmare," said Ken Wainstein, U.S. Attorney.

In a lot of ways? So, what why is it not the stuff of an urban nightmare? It's the nightmare of every child in the world that something is hiding under the bed. Is it possible we've arrested the boogeyman?

Man accused of sex with puppy

You've greatly misunderstood the "Mans best friend" label.

A mixed-breed dog was being placed in foster care Tuesday after being rescued from a transient Indiantown man who was allegedly having sex with the puppy.

I wish I could have been there when he tried to justify his actions. "The puppy was asking for it, wearing those revealing collars."

A witness called a Martin County deputy who arrived to find Junio Trenta, 31, having anal intercourse with the dog amid the woods in the 3200 block of Southeast Dixie Highway about 12:11 p.m. Monday.

"Yes 911...um...my neighbors fucking his dog...hello? Hello?"

Upon being seen, Trenta said, "It's my dog," and, "What's the problem?" The male dog ran and hid behind the deputies, according to a report released Tuesday.

And the deputies hid behind their car. People like this should be shot. Harsh? Maybe. But you have right and wrong and fucking a puppy isn't right. So, he's wrong. And we really don't need more wrong people right now breathing our air.

TV producer Aaron Spelling suffers stroke in L.A

That's just karma catching up with him for putting Beverly Hills 90210 on TV for all those years.

Prolific television producer Aaron Spelling, whose shows include "Beverly Hills 90210," "Dynasty," "Charlie's Angels," "Love Boat" and "Melrose Place," suffered a stroke over the weekend and was briefly hospitalized, his spokesman said on Wednesday.

Well, after thinking up all those crappy television shows his brain just gave out. You can't think about that kind of shit all day and expect your brain not to try to kill itself.

Iraq terror group says Russian hostages killed

You mad yet Russia?

Insurgents in Iraq have announced their intention to kill four Russian diplomats being held hostage, according to an internet posting. The statement, which could not be authenticated, said the men would be killed after Russia refused to bow to its demands to pull out of Chechnya.

So how much bullahit does the world plan on taking from these militants before we all actually do something?

Two missing US soldiers found tortured to death

This change anyone's mind on Guantanamo Bay?

The bodies of the two soldiers, Kristian Menchaca, 23, and Thomas Tucker, 25, were found in a brutally “tortured” condition, General Abdul Aziz Mohammed of the Iraqi Defence Ministry said.

“The two US soldiers were found in the Yusifiyah area near the power station and unfortunately their bodies show that they had been tortured and then killed viciously,” the general told a news conference.

The soldiers went missing on Friday night after they came under attack at a traffic control point near Yusifiyah, along the Euphrates river. Another soldier was killed in the attack.

The Mujahedeen Shura (consultative) Council, a coalition of insurgent groups led by al-Qaeda in Iraq, claimed on Monday that it had abducted the two soldiers.

So where are all the human rights loud-mouths on this one? You know, the same people who get up in arms because some al-qaeda operative in Cuba doesn't want to eat cause a US soldier kicked him in the nuts. Where's the people who are so sure that we are the bad guys in Iraq, that if we pulled out, the monsters would just go away? Where are the assholes who wanted to know if Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was beaten after he got blowed up? This remind anyone why we maybe shouldn't cut and run from Iraq cause maybe the fucking animals that did this to two other human beings will calm the killing with us gone? They aren't insurgents. Don't fool yourself.

Japan Agrees to Lift Ban on US Beef

You'll enjoy our meat. It's one of the many reasons we die early.

Japan agreed Wednesday to lift its ban on U.S. beef imports, pending planned inspections of U.S. meat processing plants, the agriculture ministry said. The Asian nation imposed the ban over concerns about mad cow disease.

Yeah, this idea will hit a wall at full speed as soon as they meet Joe, the lazy meat inspector who drinks on the job and has been disgruntled since he dropped out of high-school to persue a career involving something with a drill.

The breakthrough resolves a thorny, long-running trade dispute between the allies, and gives U.S. ranchers access to what was once their most lucrative export market.

Hey, we eat your raw fish, you should eat our deadly cow. Fair is fair guys.

"Japan agreed to resume U.S. beef imports on the condition that we find no further problems during onsite inspections," said agriculture ministry official Hiroaki Ogura.

Like I said, this should be ending soon with a monstrous amount of problems found. Just go to MacDonalds and you'll see how serious we Americans take our burgers.

Number of Global Millionaires Grows

Did I miss something? How come I'm still poor as shit?

The increasing ease of becoming a millionaire became clear Tuesday, with the announcement that the ranks of world millionaires had swelled to 8.7 million last year _ half a million more than the population of New York City.

Ease? EASE? Fuck you.

US makes missile defense system operational

About time.

The United States has moved its ground-based interceptor missile defense system from test mode to operational amid concerns over an expected North Korean missile launch, a U.S. defense official said on Tuesday.

Just in case North Korea's missile "test" goes well for them and not us. I didn't know we had a missile defense system. Why is it just becoming operational now?

The official, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed a Washington Times report that the Pentagon has activated the system, which has been in the developmental stage for years.

Great timing. Now I feel safe from missiles. How the suicide bombers on the subway defense system coming along?

"It's good to be ready," the official said.

That sounds weird. Good to be ready. Is it ready to work? That's the real question here.

U.S. officials say evidence such as satellite pictures suggests Pyongyang may have finished fueling a Taepodong-2 missile, which some experts said could reach as far as Alaska.

Those bastards might bomb our snow! How dare they!

North Korea warned against missile test

North Korea? Oh, right, I remember them now. Threat to America # 4, 215.

Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi on Monday warned the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK) of "stern action" if it were to test-fire a long-range ballistic missile.

No cookies for you!

Reacting to reports from Washington that North Korea had completed the loading of fuel for test-firing Taepodong-2 ballistic missile, Mr. Koizumi told journalists in Tokyo that Japan would "consult" its key ally, the United States, and other powers to initiate a "stern response" to any such testing by Pyongyang.

Pyongyang is fun to say.
So Iran is going nuclear, North Korea is going nuclear and testing long-range missiles. I feel safe. What a wonderful time we live in.

Japan and even parts of the U.S. west coast are suspected to come under the range of this missile, if its prototype were to be successfully tested now.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed they mean the US west coast. Sorry California, nothing personal. Well, except you Hollywood.

The U.S. has already threatened to regard the possible test-firing as a provocative act.

Violence turns us on like sexy lingerie.

Sunday Sign of Hope 6/18/06

Happy Fathers Day!

Well, I did the same for Mothers Day so it's only right that I do it today to celebrate fathers everywhere.

Today is the day we take 24 hours to say thanks to the men in our lives that decided to stay around and help raise us. (To those of you whos fathers did the split move, today is the day you get a free pass to punch a random father in the face. Just tell em Mad Man told you it was okay and I'll handle the lawsuit) By instilling a healthy amount of fear in us that he may just one day murder us, our fathers, or anti-moms as I like to call them, remind us everyday that if they had had the money for condoms, their lives would be a lot easier. They spent most of our childhoods working to provide money to pay the bills for a house we systematically would destroy. Their reward? The big piece of chicken.

Ruling with an iron fist and a complete lack of comprehension as to what is happening around them, they are the yardworkers, the car experts, and the wanna-be explosives experts. Many a day my mother told me to go see what my father was doing before he blew the house up. Most the time he was napping, but once I caught him with plastic explosives. As soon as their child is born, a fathers sense of direction and ability to handle tools with the simpliest form of hand-eye cooridination flutters by like a gay kid playing hopscotch. They build and destroy...but mostly destroy.

They are the voice of discipline. "Wait till your father gets home" is a sentence that when utter to a children, creates a fear so genuine that the child, completely aware that they have no where else to go, will pack a bag with one sandwich and an apple, which is believed able to sustain life permeantly on the run, no clothes, and run away to the backyard to live one with nature. They are the confused. Many times my mother sicked my father on me like a rabid pitbull only to then yell at him that he was going to kill me if he hit me again.

When we are children we look at our dads like they are superman. Then, as we get older we realize he's just a normal man who likes to wear a cape and some pantyhose. As we age, they quickly go from the masters of our universe to a sad old man who needs to be watched at all times. They are the broken, the dreamers whos dreams were shattered when his girlfriend or wife missed her period and they are a constant reminder of what could have been if you were never born. They love their daughters more than anything in the world and are protective of them as if the little girl is made of glass and needs to be nutured and handled with care. They beat their sons to make them stronger and are always the first ones to give us our first glimpse of a naked woman whether they mean to or not. (I knew where the Playboys were Dad)

All in all, we should thank our fathers for allowing us to live, for the sacrifices they made and will continue to make until that sweet release of death they've been praying for from the moment we spawned from our mothers wombs takes them to a better place. (I have a feeling that if Heaven is real, my father won't speak to me there) We thank them for not blowing the house up and if they did, we thank them for not doing it again. We thank them for loving us the best they knew how and we thank them for the beatings cause they kept us in line. We thank them with the biggest piece of chicken cause they earned it. Happy Fathers Day.

Taliban leader renounces rebels, thanks Canadians

Ahem...you forgeting someone?

Rolled out in a wheelchair and surrounded by heavily-armed coalition soldiers, a visibly ill Mullah Mohammed Ibrahim shares his decision to support the Afghan government. "I want all Afghans to abandon hostilities," he says, "and to unite for peace."

How long did it take for us to catch the Taliban commander in the wheelchair?

Under a special Afghan-run amnesty program, called "Peace Through Strength", Ibrahim will join more than 1,500 insurgents in being repatriated into civilian life. His past crimes and associations are supposed to be forgiven.

What a great idea. This should takes years before it blows up in our faces.

Ibrahim's reputation as the "one-legged mullah" fighter is renowned. When caught riding on a motorcycle by Afghan authorities on May 19, he was already being sought after for orchestrating a spate of suicide and roadside bomb attacks on coalition convoys.

How does a one-legged man ride a motorcycle and not fall off?

"Mullah Ibrahim was not a normal Taliban," says Asadullah Khalid, Kandahar's governor, "He was a planner for all suicide and IED (bomb) attacks."

So, let me get this straight. He surrendered to the "Peace through Strength" program AFTER he was captured? Huh?

Ibrahim goes further to say he was on his way to turn himself in, and seek amnesty through the repatriation program, when he was caught.

Of course you were.

When arrested, Ibrahim was already extremely ill, suffering from a severe liver disease.

But healthy enough to ride a motorcycle. This is one of the most bullshit stories I've read in about two to three days.

It was Canadian medics who ultimately nursed Ibrahim back to health. But it was a visit with Canada's battlegroup commander, Lt. Col. Ian Hope, that convinced him to lay down his arms. "I did not question him about his connections to the Taliban, not once," Hope said. "We talked about farming, we talked about chocolate and tea."

Way to get the intell.

"I would particularly like to thank Canada, (Lt.) Col. Hope and the doctors for helping me," Ibrahim said.

Shoot him.

House rejects timetable for pulling US forces out of Iraq

I think this is the right choice. Ever have someone show up to your party that you didn't want to be there. Imagine how nice it would be to know they had to leave by a certain time. You would just hold out all the good liquor and party favors (marijuana) until they left. So I guess what I'm saying is that we shouldn't miss out on the keg. Sometimes I black out when I write this blog and I have no idea what I'm talking about.

The House wrapped up more than 13 hours of passionate -- and often partisan -- debate Friday by approving a resolution that supports the country's military mission in Iraq and rejects calls to withdraw U.S. troops.

The only thing that the government is passionate about is money. And sometimes interns. But mostly money.

The debate forced lawmakers to take a position on whether to support the war, and by midday, GOP leaders were singling out Democrats who voted against it.

No one likes to be singled out. Congress is like a high-school prom sometimes. Personally, I don't think it benefits anyone other than Islamic militants if we just cut and run from Iraq. Sure, I'm not exactly sure what we're doing over there but if it's wiping people like Abu Musab al-Zarqawi off the face of my planet than maybe it's not all for nothing. Maybe in a decade or two, right before the asteroid wipes out the few remaining people who survived the ravishing bird flu epedemic and were prepared for the horrible effects of global warming, we can look back on the Iraq war and say, "Hey, at least it wasn't 'Nam"

Ahmadinejad’s positive talks in Shanghai

Oh yeah. About what?

President Mahmud Ahmadinejad who was in China to attend the 6th Shanghai Cooperation Organization (SCO) summit held separate and fruitful talks with leaders of China, Russia, Kazakhstan, Pakistan, Tajikistan, and the Indian oil minister who represented his country in the conference.

This is good news to the America-hating parts of the world. Not one country mentioned likes where I live. That, to me, makes the whole "positive" part of the talks a matter of perception.
The summit was officially opened on Thursday and lasted until Friday.

Wow. A whole day. Amazing that world leaders can pay attention that long.

“Iran and China have many common views on world developments,” Ahmadinejad said, adding, friendly Tehran-Beijing relations benefit not only the two countries but also the Middle East and the entire world.

I don't feel that I benefitted at all. And unfortunately, I'm part of the entire world. I can't wait till we colonize the fucking moon. Is there a waiting list I can get on?

Bush Apologizes to L.A. Times Reporter

One apology down...countless to go.

President Bush, who often teases members of the White House press corps, apologized Wednesday after he poked fun at a reporter for wearing sunglasses without realizing they were needed for vision loss.

Ouch. Foot in mouth? No, that one's up to the thigh.

Bush called on Los Angeles Times reporter Peter Wallsten and asked if he was going to ask his question with his "shades" on. "For the viewers, there's no sun," Bush said to the television cameras.

That should help his popularity with the press. Oh man...what an asshole.

But even though the sun was behind the clouds, Wallsten still needs the sunglasses because he has Stargardt's disease, a form of macular degeneration that causes progressive vision loss. The condition causes Wallsten to be sensitive to glare and even on a cloudy day, can cause pain and increase the loss of sight.

Plus, his futures so damn bright...

Wallsten said Bush called his cell phone later in the day to apologize and tell him that he didn't know he had the disease. Wallsten said he interrupted and told the president that no apology was necessary and that he didn't feel offended since he hadn't told anyone at the White House about his condition.

Still though, that's like yelling at a deaf man to pay attention.

"He said, `I needle you guys out of affection,'" Wallsten said. "I said, 'I understand that, but I don't want you to treat me any differently because of this.'"

Wallsten then proceeded to urinate in the coat room.

Head lice 'are becoming indestructible'

Let's see if we can't train them to attack Islamic militants.

You can comb them out, zap them with chemicals or simply keep scratching. But head lice have a habit of maintaining a firm grip on their habitat.

Well, we'll have to learn to share our heads. Or...clean regularly. Either or.

And the bad news is they are becoming increasingly resistant to the most common treatments.

However, lighting your head on fire should do the trick.

Scientists believe that 80 per cent of the bugs are immune to over-the-counter lotions.

Let me know when pubic lice follow suit. Then I'll panic.

Thai gunman kills two noisy World Cup fans

Noisy fans at a sporting event? That's the last fucking straw!

Thai police are searching for a gunman who shot and killed two soccer fans at a beach resort after complaining they were cheering too loud.

Keep that happiness down or I'll fucking kill you. Boy, our ability as humans to tolerate being around each other has really evaporated hasn't it?

The two men, both Thais, were watching Italy's 2-0 win over Ghana at a restaurant Monday at the Thai beach resort town of Pattaya, and erupted in roars when Italy scored its first goal, said Panipha Wattakul, a girlfriend of one of the victims.

And at a bar. The nerve!

A man seated at a nearby table asked them to quiet down, prompting a heated argument during which the man pulled out a handgun and shot the soccer fans at point-blank range, said Police Col. Somnuek Chanket.

And this is why I don't leave the house. Ever.

Nanny arrested in baby-shaking case sues hidden camera maker

How dare you invade my right to privacy when I'm abusing someone elses child. Only in America would a court actually sit through this shit.

A former nanny arrested after a hidden camera caught her appearing to shake a baby she was caring for is suing the camera system's manufacturer.

Damn you technology!

Charges were dropped against Claudia Muro because of questions about the accuracy of the camera in the 2003 incident involving the five-month-old infant in Florida. The footage was broadcast across the country.

The shaking was really just the nanny's way of recreating Disneyworld rides.

When they dismissed the charges last March, prosecutors said experts they'd consulted concluded the footage was not reliable because its tape was time-lapsed -- meaning the movements that appeared to be shaking might not have actually been as violent as they appeared.

This is exactly why, when I babysit, I take the child outside to beat the crap out of it.

Coalition forces plan fresh offensive in Afghanistan

No one tell the Taliban...it's a secret.

United States-led coalition forces plan a major offensive in southern Afghanistan aimed at weeding out fighters of the former ruling Taliban from their safe havens, coalition force officials said Wednesday.

And by announcing it we assure ourselves that the Taliban will slip back behind the Pakistani border and our offensive will be easier that way. We, of course, should accomplish nothing.

While officials would not reveal when the operation would be launched citing reasons of security, unconfirmed reports said it could be as early as Thursday.

At 3 pm exactly.

The offensive, codenamed Operation Mountain Thrust, was announced amid reports of intensified fighting between the forces and Taliban militia in which two coalition soldiers and 14 Taliban fighters died Tuesday.

Ready or not, here we come. Hey...where'd they go?

Bush tries to lower expectations over Iraq

I guess hoping for an end to bombings and the killing of innocent people, plus the eventual withdrawal of troops leaving Iraq a peaceful democracy was shooting for the stars. Now we'll be happy as long as a handful of Iraqi remain alive when we go.

President George W. Bush, fresh from a surprise trip to Iraq, on Wednesday sought to lower expectations of what should be defined as success in the country while sketching out a future strategy that did not appear markedly different from the past.

Guess he didn't like what he saw. Well...there's still Afghanistan. Batting 500 won't be too bad.

Americans should not have a “zero violence expectation”, Mr Bush said in a news conference.

Has anyone ever been to America? We know violence. I don't think we have a zero violence expectation. More like a expectation for some sort of progress towards withdrawal would be really nice. I don't want the whole sundae, just some whip cream and sprinkles.

“Winning means a government that can sustain itself, defend itself and govern itself, and an ally in the war on terror, and we will help this government do that,” he said in a significant departure from the rhetoric that accompanied the 2003 invasion.

Okay, I'll take that. How's that coming by the way?

Terror raid police 'sorry for hurt'

Does Hallmark make a "Sorry we busted into your house and shot you in the shoulder" card?

The young Muslim shot during a controversial police anti-terror raid choked back the tears as he relived the moment he feared he and his family were going to be killed.

A few days ago I praised the British police effort to curb radical Islamic terrorists from comitting another atrocity. I'm going to have to go ahead and take that back guys.
The British are sure trigger happy. Hopefully one day they'll shoot someone and find out it was the right thing to do. It has to happen eventually.

Assistant Commissioner Andy Hayman issued a statement after the testimony of Mohammed Abdul Kahar, 23, and his brother Abul Koyair, 20, left the Metropolitan Police facing a string of serious allegations. Mr Kahar claimed he was kicked in the face by a police officer, slapped and dragged down a stairway by his foot. He also alleged that he was fired on without warning.

Would it make you feel better if the cop had said "I'm gonna shoot you now" beforehand?

With his arm in a sling and his voice close to breaking, Mr Kahar described how he suddenly saw an "orange spark", was flung against the wall, fell to the floor and then looked down to see blood and a hole in his chest.

"Oh my God! I'm having a stroke!"

The whole affair is certain to pile further pressure on the beleaguered Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair. In a statement, Mr Hayman said his force could not comment further on the circumstances of the shooting while the Independent Police Complaints Commission's investigation was ongoing. However, he did apologise for the "hurt" caused to local residents - including those at the raided property.

Yeah, we'll tack that one up to bad luck. Good thing no one got killed...this time. Please continue to aim for the shoulders.

Israel rejects blame in beach deaths

The Israelis say they didn't do it. Palestinians say they didn't do it. Maybe it was an act of God. Maybe he's sick of your shit too.

Israel has rejected allegations that it was responsible for the deaths of eight Palestinians on a northern Gaza beach on Friday.

There's so many bombs laying around in that little region of destruction you guys have made for yourselves, who fucking knows what went off.

Amir Peretz, the Israeli defence minister, said that Israel had enough evidence to back up its claims that it was not responsible for the incident.

I'm sure the Palestinians will accept that.

Palestinians have angrily rejected the Israeli claims, with Ghazi Hamad, a spokesman for the Hamas-led government, saying that Israel was trying to "escape from shouldering responsibility" for the blast.

I don't know. Usually the Israeli government loves to take credit for blowing you people up. But one thing sounds fishy to me. They usually bomb cars, not picnics on the beach. Hmmm...

Hurricane Warning Issued for Alberto

Who's Alberto?

Forecasters issued a hurricane warning for part of Florida's Gulf Coast on Monday as Tropical Storm Alberto, the first named storm of the 2006 Atlantic hurricane season, quickly and unexpectedly gained strength.

It begins...

Good luck everyone.

US Military: Zarqawi Died of Blast Injuries

Weird. I thought maybe he had a bad heart that gave out when the world surrounding him was blown into tiny pieces of shrapnel from two 500 pound bombs that were dropped on his head.

U.S. military doctors now say militant leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi lived for nearly an hour after his hideout was torn apart by two precision-guided 500 pound bombs. The latest details on the terrorist leader's death were released with the results of an autopsy that was performed on him.

I hope he spent that hour he had left reflecting on why he was a bad, bad man that deserved to have his body blown through the air like a wayward kite.

"The injuries to his lungs were not survivable. That's what killed him," Col. Steve Jones,the command surgeon for U.S. forces in Iraq said. Jones said there was no evidence of beatings or gunshot wounds.

Too bad.

Al-Qaida in Iraq Names New Leader

Now just tell us what he looks like and where he'll be tonight and maybe then I'll believe you.

Al-Qaida in Iraq named a successor Monday to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and said he would stick to the slain leader's path - attacks on Shiites as well as on U.S. and Iraqi forces.

I'm guessing his first name isn't Chuck.

The new leader, identified by the nom de guerre Abu Hamza al-Muhajer in a statement posted on the Web, appeared to be a foreign Arab, like his predecessor.

Let's see what else we can make him have in common with his predecessor. Like fatal injuries from a bomb blast.

Sunday Sign of Hope 6/11/06

Cervical cancer vaccine wins US approval

From India Times:

WASHINGTON: The first vaccine to prevent cervical cancer won U.S. approval on Thursday, a step welcomed as a major advance against a disease that kills about 300,000 women worldwide each year.

U.S. officials cleared the new Merck & Co. Inc. women ages 9 to 26. It blocks certain types of human papillomavirus (HPV), a common sexually transmitted virus that causes genital warts and most cases of cervical cancer.

3 prisoners commit suicide at Gitmo

I'll light a candle.

Three prisoners at the U.S. military's detention facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, were found dead Saturday in what could be the first suicides at the compound, the military said.

Makes it sound like they expect more.

Prisoners have attempted suicide in the past, but no one had succeeded.

When at first you don't succeed...

"Two Saudis and one Yemeni, each located in Camp 1, were found unresponsive and not breathing in their cells by guards," said a statement issued by Joint Task Force-Guantanamo. "Medical teams responded quickly and all three detainees were provided immediate emergency medical treatment in attempts to revive them. The three detainees were pronounced dead by a physician after all lifesaving measures had been exhausted."

I know, it's all our fault. Evil US. We're bad. Damn us. What else is on tv?

U.S. troops may have beaten wounded al-Zarqawi before he died

If there is anyone who deserves a beating...I mean...come on!

U.S. officials have altered their account of the death of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, saying he was alive and partly conscious after bombs destroyed his hideout, and an Iraqi witness has raised the possibility that the wounded "al-Qaida in Iraq" leader was beaten by American troops before he died.

This man was responsible for the deaths of how many fucking people? Are we really going to spin this one into a bad thing? Killing a leader of a terrorist organization can't be turned into scandal. Draw the line right there. They could have arrived at the bomb site, Zarqawi could have been playing a game of checkers and it would justifiable to shove a grenade up his ass.

The witness, who lived near the scene of the bombing, claimed in an interview with AP Television News to have seen U.S. soldiers beating an injured man resembling al-Zarqawi until blood flowed from the man's nose.

Oh whatever. Are we all in agreement that there are some Iraqis that love nothing more than to make the US look evil? Are we in agreement that some media outlets love the same thing? Zarqawi's dead. The man deserved worse than death. Case is closed.

Online relationship draws 16-year-old to Middle East

I don't care if it's the prettiest woman in the fucking world and eight of her friends, nothing short of getting on the wrong plane is going to get me over there.

For a couple hours Thursday, Shawn Lester was relieved to know that authorities in Amman, Jordan, had found her missing 16-year-old daughter.

Most parents fear that middle-of-the-night phone call after their child has gone missing. I wonder how it feels when you get a call that your child has been found...in the middle east. I want to know where she got the money to head over to Jordan. And what airline in their right mind would send a minor over there without a rifle.

Katherine R. Lester apparently was headed for Israel, drawn there through an online connection at MySpace.com.

Fucking MySpace, the internet brothel. Look, plenty of nights when I was in my teens would I sneak out of the house late to meet up with some friends or a girl I met at school. And I was subsquently beaten for my transgressions. However, I had the common sense not to take flight to the middle east. This kid needs a lobotomy.

It remains unclear whether she was traveling with a man she met on the Internet or if the teen planned to meet him at the airport in Tel Aviv, authorities have said.

ok...why's she in Jordan?

Although Jordanian authorities had the teen in custody late Thursday, they could release her. The teen left her Gilford home Monday. "At first I was relieved," Shawn Lester said. "But now I'm starting to wonder. I feel like I'm right back to square one, and I don't know what to think. "They won't let me talk to her and, according to the government, she hasn't committed any crimes over there, so they can't force her to return to the United States. It doesn't sound right to me, but they keep saying that the laws over there are different."

This is why it's okay to beat your children.

Hamas Military Wing Calls Off Israel Truce

I can never tell when a truce between Israel and Palestine is going on or called off, it's all such a grey area.

Hamas militants called off a truce with Israel on Friday after a barrage of Israeli artillery shells tore into Palestinians at a beachside picnic in the Gaza Strip, killing seven civilians.

You can't bomb a picnic. That's just not right. It's a picnic. Picnics are happy, jumping, laughing, singing events. Not scary, running, screaming, ducking, rolling and flying through the air into a pile of rumble events. That's for every other day in the middle east.
The declaration raised the prospect of a new wave of bloodshed.

I'm sorry, I must of fell asleep. When did the old wave subside?

Hamas militants suspended a campaign of deadly suicide attacks on Israelis after the February 2005 cease-fire, and have largely stuck to the truce.

Well, this is why I can't tell who's the terrorists and who's the righteous over there anymore. I'll just sit back and smile and have a picnic.

Leader of Al Qaeda in Iraq Has Been Killed

It's nice waking up to learn that piece of shit won't be waking up.

From all over the fucking place:

Al-Qaeda's leader in Iraq, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, was killed in an American airstrike on an isolated safe house north of Baghdad at 6.15 p.m. local time on Wednesday, top U.S. and Iraqi officials said today.

At a joint news conference with Iraq's prime minister, Nuri Kamal al-Maliki, the top American military commander in Iraq, Gen. George W. Casey Jr., said Zarqawi's body had been positively identified by fingerprints, "facial recognition" and known scars. He said seven of Zarqawi's associates had also been killed in the strike.

And then there's this, in Afghanistan:

Afghanistan’s government today praised the killing of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, al-Qaida’s leader in Iraq, saying it was good news for all Muslims. Al-Zarqawi, who led a bloody campaign of suicide bombings and kidnappings, was killed yesterday in an airstrike north of Baghdad, US and Iraqi officials announced today. “Al-Qaida is the biggest threat to the world. Al-Zarqawi’s death is a huge victory in the war,” said Afghan Defence Ministry spokesman Gen. Zahir Azimi. “This is good news for all Muslims and people of all religions. He was killing people of all faiths. I hope the situation in Iraq will improve now.”

The Israelis are happy Zarqawi's gone:

Likud Chairman Binyamin Netanyahu reacted to the assassination of al-Qaida leader in Iraq, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, with satisfaction on Thursday.

"The terrorist leaders need to know that if they want to send others to be Shahids (martyrs), they themselves will become Shahids," he said.

The Likud chairman also said that the cooperation between Israel and the US in the war on terror had increased greatly and that intelligence was being shared to catch terrorists and thwart attacks.

Tony Blair is estatic (at least as estatic as the British get):

The death of Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi in Iraq is "very good news," British Prime Minister Tony Blair told the UK Cabinet Thursday.

Even the Australians had something to say:

FOREIGN Minister Alexander Downer has expressed delight at news of the death of Iraq's top terror leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

Mr Downer said al-Zarqawi was responsible for the deaths of "thousands upon thousands of people", mostly Iraqis, and his death was a triumph for Iraq's newly-formed government and Iraqi and American forces.

"Normally, I like to feel a reasonably mainstream compassionate Australian wouldn't express any pleasure at the death of anybody," Mr Downer said tonight.

"(But) I am delighted that al-Zarqawi has been killed. I think this is a tremendous tribute to the new Iraqi government and let me also pay tribute to the Americans and the US forces who played a part in this as well."

Mr Downer likened the death of al-Zarqawi, the leader of al-Qaeda in Iraq, to the capture of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.

Iran Open to Incentives on Nuclear Talks, With a Hedge

What's sad is I can't put it pass them to think this doesn't mean they are holding talks with shrubery.

Chancellor Angela Merkel of German said today that the package of incentives offered to Iran by the Europeans, the United States and Russia could be the first step toward resolving the standoff diplomatically and possibly give the region a greater sense of security.

That region wouldn't be secure if it was domed-off from the rest of the world with a futurisitic, impenetrable force field.

"I believe that it is a truly significant chance to resolve this conflict diplomatically," Chancellor Merkel said after meeting with Javier Solana, the European Union's foreign policy chief.

And I believe everyone is full of shit.

Gay Marriage Ban Falls Short of Majority

At least the majority has enough sense to not care about stupid shit.
The Senate on Wednesday rejected a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, dealing a defeat to President Bush and Republicans who hope to use the measure to energize conservative voters on Election Day.

Good, now, back to the real problems facing the US.

Europe 'aided US in CIA flights'

That's a big co-pilot seat.

Fourteen European states colluded with the CIA in secret U.S. flights for terror suspects, a report for Europe's human rights watchdog concludes.

Cause the real problem with the world is where and how the US CIA is moving the world's most feared terrorists. Show me one person who isn' trying to blow something up or thinks that blowing up anything is a bad thing that is really truly concerned that Khalid Shiekh Mohammed is being treated nicely and I'll show you someone who has a hard time gripping reality. Personally, I'm happy knowing there's a possibility that someone is shoving red hot fireplace pokers up this guys ass in a dungeon somewhere European suburb.

The document by Swiss senator Dick Marty follows a seven-month inquiry.

He's just upset his name is Dick Marty.

The report says there is also evidence to back suspicions secret CIA camps are or were located in Poland and Romania - allegations both countries deny.

But those are summer camps for underprivileged terrorist masterminds where al-Qaida operatives can learn the fundamentals of existing on a planet with people and not trying to kill them. You know, archery, hiking and electro-shock. Fun stuff.

The U.S. admits to picking up terrorism suspects but denies sending them to Arab nations to face torture.

Right...they do it in Poland and Romania. Is this really something we should really be giving a shit about at this point?

Severed heads discovered in fruit boxes

I think these apples have gone bad.

Police have found nine severed heads in fruit boxes by the side of a road in Iraq, the second such discovery this week.

And at ten cents a pound, they were a bargain. Man, even fruit stands are dangerous in Iraq. Hey, you think they squeezed the heads to see how old they were?

The discovery was made near the city of Baqouba, 35 miles northeast of Baghdad, in a region that is experiencing an upsurge of sectarian violence.

Really? An upsurge of violence? Were the severed heads in the fruit boxes the first clue or the second?

The heads - all men - have been taken to the city morgue, and an investigation has now been launched.

They haven't ruled out foul play.

Eight severed heads were found in a nearby village on Saturday, with a note indicating that the executions were in retaliation for the killing of Shia officials.

You must wonder, as more and more heads are found, where are the bodies going? And this is what I've been talking about the last few days about who the real bad guys are in Iraq. Yes, the US military may, "may", have killed civilians and I am in no way standing up for that kind of action. I'm just saying the US military isn't making a habit of treating civilians heads like produce. At least I hope there not.

Terror suspects appear in court, more arrests to come

An early sign of hope this week. Looks like a major terror attack was nipped in the bud. Now, if we could only stop people from even considering blowing things up we'd make some progress.
Police said that more arrests were expected as 15 terror suspects appeared in court Tuesday, facing charges including founding a terrorist cell in the Toronto area and plotting to blow up the Canadian parliament in Ottawa, media reports said.

Canada has a parliament?
A police spokesman said the investigation was far from over as authorities uncovered links between the Canadian cell and groups in five other countries, including the US.

The more the merrier, as long as they're behind bars...and not getting out anytime soon, and they don't escape. Maybe we should just kill them.

Syrian Newspaper Blames US for Attack

Surprise, surprise.

Syrian state-run media on Saturday implicitly blamed a militant attack in Damascus on the United States, Israel and their regional supporters.

America is more of the bomb-you-from-the-air attackers. Israel aims for cars.

Security forces fought Islamic militants near the Defense Ministry Friday in a gunbattle that left four militants and a police officer dead, the government said.

Of course it was the US and Israel cause, as the whole world knows, both the US and Israel has total control over Islamic militants. That whole war on terror and September 11th and Israel / Palestine thing are just cover ups for a wonderful relationship and conspiracy against Syria. (insert sarcasm where needed)

"What happened in the heart of Damascus is a practical translation of the American-Israeli threats. Targeting Syria is still an official policy of the U.S. administration, the Tel Aviv leaders and some weak-willed people who have sold themselves for evil in exchange of a handful of dollars," the state-run daily Tishrin said in an editorial.

Oh shut up. That is so far-fetched even I couldn't come up with it, and I've been diagnosed as a looney.

Syria's official news agency, SANA, said all 10 militants in Friday's attack were "takfiris," or Sunni Muslim extremists who declare non-radical Muslims to be infidels.

Oh and they were Sunni Muslims, who are well known to be best buddies with the US and Israel. Are you guys over there going to join the rest of us in reality or are you not done frolicing in la-la land?

Fake nurse steals newborn baby, police say

Too bad it wasn't a fake baby.

With few clues to guide them, police in Lubbock, Texas, searched Monday for an ailing 5-day-old girl who investigators said was snatched Sunday from her mother by a woman posing as a hospital worker.

You'd think hospitals would have better security around the infants. If you want abortion to be legal, you better make having the damn baby a little safer. Sick people on this planet, willing to steal something that will ruin you financially for the next eighteen years.

Sunday Sign of Hope 6/4/06

Kidnapped oil workers are freed

From Guardian:

Six Britons kidnapped while working on an oil rig operating off Nigeria have been freed.

The men were taken hostage along with an American and a Canadian in the early hours of Thursday.

The workers had been on board the drilling rig Bulford Dolphin, which is operated by a Scottish firm, when it was attacked at around 5am. Their rig was about 40 miles off the Nigerian coast.

The Bulford Dolphin operates for the Nigerian oil company Peak Petroleum and Aberdeen-based Dolphin Drilling operates the rig.

Sheena Wallace of Dolphin Drilling confirmed the group had been freed.

She said: "All eight of the men are now together at the Yenagoa State Assembly Building in Bayelsa State. Government resources in Nigeria were actively involved in completing final arrangements for the men's release.

"Six of the men are employees of Dolphin Drilling Personnel Pte Limited (DDPPL), a Singapore-registered company and two are contracted to the client organisation.

"Relatives of the men are being contacted, and arrangements are being made to return the men to their homes following medical assessment and attending to their welfare needs."

The Foreign Office said it was aware the kidnapped men had been freed.

Bush urges ban on gay marriage

Oh shut up you asshole. There are other more pressing issues at hand.

U.S. President George W. Bush on Saturday called again for a constitutional amendment in his country to ban gay marriage.

Should of banned you for starting a war for no reason. Shut up about the gays already. Unless gay people fly planes into our cities buildings can we please leave them the fuck alone already.

"Unfortunately, activist judges and some local officials have made an aggressive attempt to redefine marriage in recent years," Bush said in his weekly radio address.

Marriage is a bond between two people who love each other enough to say to each other, I'm willing to spend the rest of my life making you unhappy. Other than that, if gays marrying really, really bothers you, you're an asshole who should mind their own business.

"Marriage cannot be cut off from its cultural, religious, and natural roots without weakening this good influence on society," he said.

You know, you're fucking up the country. Could we please get some sort of win in the war on terror...please. I'd be more apt to listen to whatever you have to say if you can get bin Laden or Zarqawi or Zawahiri or Mullah Omar or Mullah Dadullah or fucking someone that we can call a big fish or maybe actually stablize Iraq or even Afghanistan or prehaps make Iran stop trying to get a nuclear weapon or something, ANYTHING. Stop trying to change the subject Bush.

Canadian Police Arrest 17 Suspected Terrorists

Oh, you're awake up there.

Canadian authorities say they have arrested and charged 12 men and five youths who allegedly were planning terror attacks in and around Toronto, Ontario, Canada's most populous city.

Yay for our nothern neighbors. Now, about that HUGE border we share...

Officials say the suspects in Canada were inspired by Osama Bin Laden's al-Qaida terror group.

It is quite inspiring to live the rest of your days in a cave. Fun stuff.

Iraqi Survivor Wants US Troops Executed

Who doesn't these days. Get in line.

An Iraqi whose brother and other relatives were killed in a U.S. attack on a suspected terrorist hideout north of Baghdad condemned a military investigation Saturday that cleared forces of wrongdoing.

I'm assuming he's a combat forensics expert qualified to conduct is own investigation. If not, who the fuck cares if he condemns it or not. I mean, the guy lost his family in the raid so of course he's going to be upset. I'd be more concerned if he was okay with the findings and went on with his life like nothing happened. What a sensational headline for such a "no shit" story.

A 9-year-old survivor of an alleged massacre by U.S. forces in the western city of Haditha, meanwhile, demanded that those responsible be executed, as anger mounted over accusations that Iraqi civilians have been killed by Americans without provocation.

I'm sorry. 9-year-old? Suddenly we're listening to 9-year-olds when they want something now? Most of the time they want to meet Santa Claus and now we're giving them credibility? Wait...wait...are there or are there not foreign terrorist forces blowing innocents up every fucking day in Iraq? Are Iraqis calling for their executions? Has everyone gone mental?
It's unfortunate that innocents are killed in Iraq, it really is. It's sad when one gets blown up at the market by a suicide car bomber and it's sad when one gets crushed under a building we blow up to kill those suicide car bombers before they go to the market. (like a demented "this little piggy" game)Where's all the tension and anger at al-qaeda in Iraq? Where are the calls for those peoples executions? Maybe if American forces killed anyone who spoke up against them we'd get more respect over there. In Iraq, it's backwards day every day.

"We did not do anything to them," said Iman Walid Abdul-Hameed, who lost her parents, a brother, her grandparents and two uncles in the shootings. She said only she, her brother and a sister survived.

Imam, I'm sorry this happened, I am. Sometimes during war, people do bad things, terrible things. There's nothing anyone can say to make you feel better. Executing people don't bring back the dead.
Why am I the one giving her this talk?

Charmed woman marries cobra in India

Oh no, no, no, no.

A woman who fell in love with a snake has reportedly married the reptile at a traditional Hindu wedding celebrated by 2,000 guests in India's Orissa state.

At the reception they had cake, chicken, a vegetarian platter and live mice.

Bimbala Das wore a silk saree for the ceremony Wednesday at Atala village near the Orissa state capital Bhubaneswar.

I don't care what she wore. I want to know what the fuck is wrong with her.

Priests chanted mantras to seal the union, but the snake failed to come out of a nearby ant hill where it lives, the Press Trust of India said.

Even snakes know better than to marry crazy chicks.

A brass replica snake stood in for the hesitant groom.

It's people like this that need to go away. I'm not condoning killing them. I just want them to go the fuck away. NOW!

"Though snakes cannot speak nor understand, we communicate in a peculiar way," Das, 30, told the agency.

"I tell him how much he means to me and how happy he's made me and he injects lethal doses of venom into my forearm. It was love at first bite." (corny but necessary)

"Whenever I put milk near the ant hill where the cobra lives, it always comes out to drink."

I know what you're all thinking. Does she sleep with the snake. I hope so. I really, really hope she tries that.

"Bimbala was ill," her mother, Dyuti Bhoi told local OTV channel. "We had no money to treat her. Then she started offering milk to the snake ... she was cured. That made her fall in love."

Yeah, guess what. She's still ill. A little bit.

Earlier this year, a tribal girl was married off to a dog on the outskirts of Bhubaneswar.

I want my mommy. I want to go beddy bye now.
And how bad must the bachelor prospects be that the women are marrying reptiles and dogs?

Web users to 'patrol' US border

I'm against illegal immigration, but I'd be god-damned if I'm getting off my ass to do anything about it.

A US state is to enlist web users in its fight against illegal immigration by offering live surveillance footage of the Mexican border on the internet.

I'm starting to understand why the world hates us.

The plan will allow web users worldwide to watch Texas' border with Mexico and phone the authorities if they spot any apparently illegal crossings.

"Yes border police, I think I see someone running across the border right now and he's wearing blue jeans and a...oh never mind, he just got into a pick-up truck and he's gone now. Sorry to bother you."

Texas Governor Rick Perry said the cameras would focus on "hot-spots and common routes" used to enter the US.

And we report this so that any illegals crossing the borders can avoid the "hot-spots". Perhaps there's something in the Amercian water supply that is rendering us all retarded. Someone should look into that.

Shot man held after terror raid

Don't worry, they shot him in the shoulder this time.

A man shot by police in an armed house raid was questioned in hospital after arrest under the Terrorism Act.

Stop screaming and tell us who you work for.

The BBC has learned they are Abdul Kahar 23, and Abdul Koyar, 20. Both are of Bangladeshi origin. Mr Kahar's injuries are not life-threatening.

Well hang around, the nights young.

It is understood the operation was related to a suspected chemical device, although none has been found.

That's why they aim for the shoulder now.

New Reports say US Troops Killed More Unarmed Iraqi Civilians

And the snowball gets larger. Why? To sell newspapers that's why. We live in the time of American Idol and Who Wants To Sell Their Soul on TV. We love misery. We love bad news. We love dirty laundry. Well, you made your bed, go to sleep, I'm taking the first rocket off this rock.

There are new reports accusing U.S. troops of killing unarmed civilians in Iraq.

Of course their is. Anything to keep the masses tuned in.

British television has aired a video of several dead adults and children that Iraqi police say were among 11 civilians killed by US troops in Ishaqi north of Baghdad in March.

Where's the other footage? You know, the footage of the human ball-bearing decoration detonating at the market? Two way street. I'm not saying that American soldiers don't do bad things I'm just saying I don't think they're the only ones doing it.

The BBC reported that U.S. officials initially said four people died during a military operation there.

Hey, doesn't the majority of you British people think Americans are stupid? Now you're surprised we can't count?

A quarter of boys, 20 percent of girls claim to have 'cyber sex'

Does that include jerking off to internet porn cause that would probably bump those percentages up a bit.

Webcams and online chatting have sparked a new "sexual revolution" among youth, Dutch researchers said Thursday.

Unless you can get pregnant from an online chat that gets a little racy who the fuck cares?

In a large but nonscientific survey, nearly a quarter of males and 20 percent of females said they had recently had "cyber sex" _ defined as pretending to have actual sex while sending each other sexually explicit messages or images. Three quarters of girls and 80 percent of boys said they had flirted online.

Well, at least they're brushing up their creative writing skills.

North Korea invites chief US nuclear envoy for talks

Ok...but will there be cake and coffee?

North Korea invited the chief US envoy to stalled nuclear talks to visit Pyongyang, but said Washington must prove it is committed to an agreement that offers the North concessions for abandoning its nuclear program.

Concessions? Like what, cookies? I have a feeling that, with the US concentrating mainly on Iran and their nuclear program, North Korea is feeling ignored and left out.
"If the US has a true political intention to implement the joint statement we kindly invite once again the head of the US side's delegation to the talks to visit Pyongyang and directly explain it to us."

No nuclear bombs for you. Clear enough? We don't like the idea of you having big bombs. Scary.

Ethics 'refreshers' for troops

Shooting terrorists and insurgents = good
Shooting civilians = bad
Tomorrow we'll cover beating children into comas and why that's bad.

US military officials announced on Thursday an ethical refresher program for all coalition forces in Iraq in the wake of the killing of a pregnant woman and furor surrounding an alleged shooting rampage by US marines.

I'll be the first to admit that opening fire on innocent people is not a nice thing to do and if my family was killed in a similiar way I would probably detonate a few roadside bombs myself but my problem is the media fixating on this when the real, true enemy of the Iraq people are the people blowing them up day after day.
I'd like to see the media focus on the foreign terrorists in Iraq and the horrors they subject the Iraqi people to everyday. If we're going to make our soldiers look bad, maybe we should remind people there is a greater evil lurking the streets of Baghdad.