Tuesday, January 31, 2006

WHO Sends Experts to Probe Avian Flu in Iraq

I don't know. Who?

The World Health Organization says it is sending a team of international experts to Iraq to investigate how a 15-year-old girl became ill and died of avian flu.

Think I can save you the trip.

Alito Is Sworn In as Justice After Senate Confirms Him 58-42

So they've approved some guy to make decisions for the rest of us for the rest of his life. Oh good.

Samuel Alito was confirmed to the Supreme Court today after a contentious and partisan battle in the Senate, becoming the nation's 110th justice to serve on the high court.

They're not kidding about a contentious battle in the Senate. Ted Kennedy yesterday looked like he was about to fling his feces all over the Senate walls. Anyone else pretty much assured that our government is more like a high school clique then, well, a group of mature adults that are qualified to run a country?

Better run out and get those abortions now cause I have a feeling they'll be unavailable above the Rio Grande pretty soon. (Or you can go get them in Canada...ay) That should throw the amount of babies found in garbage bins through the fucking roof.

Alito watched the confirmation vote with his family from the Roosevelt Room of the White House. Chief Justice John Roberts swore in Alito at a private ceremony, only hours before he was to sit alongside fellow justices at the State of the Union address.

Wish I could get a job that I'm guarenteed to have for the rest of my days. I would soooo abusive the sick leave policy.

Well, let me give Mr. Alito an official welcome and tell him I look forward to the new and interesting ways he'll come up with to fuck up this country even more. Yeehaw! I'm moving to Canada...ay.

The Middle East's Blockbuster

Two big news announcements today about videos.


AL-JAZEERA television has aired video footage from an Iraqi militant group that shows distraught US hostage Jill Carroll reportedly appealing for the release of Iraqi women held by US-led forces.
Carroll, wearing a headscarf, was seen crying in the grainy footage that carried a January 28 date stamp and a logo showing the name of the Revenge Brigades militant group. The voice of the 28-year-old journalist, who was kidnapped on January 7, was not heard.

And Secondly:

Al Qaida's deputy leader Ayman al-Zawahri called US President George Bush a "butcher" and threatened a new attack in the United States in a videotape aired on Arab television, his first appearance since an American airstrike that targeted him this month in Pakistan.
Al-Zawahri, shown in the video wearing white robes and a white turban, said the United States had ignored an offer from al Qaida leader Osama bin Laden for a truce.

The video was aired on the Arab news network Al-Jazeera.

What does this all have in common? Al-Jazeera. Why isn't anyone staking out Al-Jazeera with a satalite or some shit?

Baby Tossed Into Lake Represents Broader Epidemic

I was unaware that baby tossing had reached epidemic proportions.

A Brazilian mother who put her baby into a plastic bag and then tossed it into a lake is the latest example of new mothers who put their children in harm's way.
Simone da Silva was arrested and charged with attempted murder after a couple pulled the 2-month-old baby girl from Pampulha Lagoon in Belo Horizonte, Brazil.

Why a plastic bag? That's just overkill.

"I couldn't stay with her," Silva told police. "I did not have a minimum psychological condition to stay with her."

AHA! Truer words have never been spoken! I got a newsflash for you lady. You don't have the minimum psychological condition to put your shoes on, let alone raise a child.

A mother deliberately putting her child in harm's way is not uncommon. In the United States, more than 700 children are killed by their mother each year.

Who will protect us from our mothers? Think of the children! We need a mother patrol or some sort of mother safety device. Some group is going to start protesting against moms aren't they? I hate this planet I swear to fucking God.

Afghanistan: Donor Conference Kicks Off

And it's the US off to an early lead but here comes England followed close by Italy and Poland. Russia's pulling along side China as Canada bursts ahead of Mexico. Chile swings to the left side of all other South American countries as no one speaks to Iran in the corner. Oh...Afghanistan has tripped over some bags of heroin...

Representatives from about 70 countries gathered in Afghanistan on Tuesday for the conference to try to produce a five-year blueprint for international cooperation with Afghanistan, which is still plagued by violence and poverty.

Sounds like they need safety and money. There you go...I figured it all out. Give them safety...and...money. I should be in politics.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai said he was confident the conference would be a success.

That really depends on what your definition of success is. World leaders aren't known for their ability to do anything ever!

Defeating the forces of extremism, fanaticism and drug crime in Afghanistan was vital for the entire international community, said British Prime Minister Tony Blair, who was opening a two-day international donors conference on Afghanistan.

There's Blair again. This guy gets around.
Defeating extremism, fanaticism and drug crime huh? Let's focus on the guys blowing people up before we focus on people getting stoned and eating cookie dough. (do they have cookie dough in Afghanistan? They have pastries in Palestine so they must have cookie dough somewhere over in that region right?)

In Arab countries, rage growing over cartoons

Now you people don't like cartoons? What the fuck?

A long-running controversy over the publication of caricatures of the Prophet Muhammad by a Danish newspaper boiled over in the past few days as a boycott brought sales of some Danish products to a halt in Arab countries across the Middle East, while Danish interests came under attack.

Oh come on...now we can't say bad things about Muhammad? Come on...we make fun of Jesus and the Catholics and the Chritians and oh man those crazy Mormons all the time. What, is only Muhammad off limits? Bullshit. Get a sense of humor. You guys have it made over there in the Middle East. You live in a sandbox, you should be laughing and playing all fucking day.

Blair says major powers united on Iran

Oh shit Iran...you've done it now. The major powers are united. That means Superman, Batman AND Spiderman are on you now. Aquaman is too but he's like having Greenland side with you.

Major powers are now united in their response to Iran's nuclear program and getting a report on Tehran's activities to the U.N. Security Council is a major step, British Prime Minister Tony Blair said on Tuesday.

You know, you have to wonder whether the UN Security Council is really unaware of Iran's activities. I mean, it's all over the news. This is one of the formalities that makes us all look like fucking retards isn't it?

"I hope it's sending a message that the international community is united," Blair said.

Yeah, the international community is united. And what's that Mr. Blair? London Bridge is for sale! How much?

So we're going to tattletale on Iran to the UN Security council. Then what? I'm really confused over all this UN Council and sanctions talk and everything. China and Russia don't want to tattletale cause they make money off Iran and Iran says they'll stop diplomtic efforts if we tell UN they're being bad and while this is going on bombs are being made and soon Israel is going to have to fight the entire Middle East and I'm moving to Ontario. Is that the gist of this?

Coretta Scott King dies

Coretta Scott King, the widow of slain civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr., died Monday night in California, according to a former aide and a public relations firm representing the family.

Could you imagine if I made fun of this...oh man, I'd be shot. Oh...that was probably inappropriate.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Iran threatens to end cooperation with IAEA if referred to UN

End cooperation? Wait a second Iran, in order to end cooperating you have to cooperate in the first place.

Iran once again threatened to end cooperation with the United Nations nuclear watchdog if its atomic file was referred to the Security Council.Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki told reporters that such action “will definitely end Iran's voluntary cooperation” with the International Atomic Energy Agency, the official state news agency reported on Monday.

Key word in there is "voluntary". Sure, you can say you won't cooperate but Israel seems to be just waiting for a reason to turn your landscape into a parking lot, Germany and France are getting annoyed, England's piffed and the US is, well, we're always mad at you people anyway. How long do you think your cooperation is going to be voluntary?

Mottaki said that he will be travelling to London on Monday to participate in a conference on Afghanistan but would be available to meet and hold talks with other countries’ Foreign Ministers.

Yeah but we already reported that we're giving you the silent treatment so it seems that you'll have to find other foreign ministers to play with. Psst...Iranian Foregin Minister...if the other foreign ministers don't want to talk to you just because they think you're trying to obtain nuclear weapons in order to destroy Israel and bring about the coming of the Islamic apocalypse then they weren't your friends in the first place.

Man found dead with knife in his chest at Indonesian Consulate

I smell foul play.

An Indonesian man was found dead with a knife in his chest in the basement of his country's consulate on Manhattan's Upper East Side, police said.

If this was Indonesia I wouldn't be surprised but this is in New York and...wait...I'm still not surprised.

Body of Bambang Wielianto, 36, was found by a consulate employee on Sunday.

No disrespect to the deceased but I am SO naming my first son Bambang. He was named after his father, a suicide bomber. (Ohh...low blow)

Fire Forces Miners to Seek Safety

If you've been on the fence about a career in the mining industry and January of 2006 hasn't convinced you to run screaming to an application at Burger King, you need a catscan.

A fire that broke out Sunday in a potash mine in Saskatchewan, forcing about 70 trapped miners to retreat to refuge rooms with oxygen and other supplies, was put out early today. Officials said they believed all the miners would be brought to the surface shortly.

Yeah, the Titanic was brought to the surface as well. Wouldn't call that a happy ending.

US journalist badly hurt in Iraq bombing

Well, I hope the scoop was well worth it.

One of America's best-known journalists and his cameraman were in a stable condition today after being seriously injured while reporting in Iraq yesterday.
Bob Woodruff, an anchorman for ABC News, and Doug Vogt, a cameraman, both suffered head injuries in a roadside bombing.

Not going to make fun of this much. Hope they recover and go home to their families, where they belong.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Sunday Sign of Hope 1/29/06

Pakistani women race peacefully

from BBC News:

A mixed-sex marathon passed off peacefully in Pakistan after thousands of police were deployed to stop disruption by Islamic activists.

Some 500 women took part in three races in Lahore, although 2,000 due to run had backed out over fears of violence.

Islamic protesters had demanded women be barred from taking part, arguing their presence ran counter to Islam.

But correspondents say such events are important to Pakistan's government, keen to seem a moderate Islamic state.

A total of three races were held: an exclusively male, professional run, a mixed-sex marathon and a family event which involved women and children running for 5km. Some 10,000 people took part, including 60 foreign athletes.

This is the second time Lahore has held an international marathon.

Organisers say the races have helped raise funds for the victims of the earthquake which devastated parts of northern Pakistan and Kashmir in October.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

European Leaders Remember the Holocaust

Oh...that thing when Germany started the mass homicide of people they saw as inferior? I almost forgot about that.

European leaders remembered the Holocaust on Friday, the 61st anniversary of the liberation of the Auschwitz death camp, with commemorations shadowed by concern over anti-Israeli remarks by Iran's president.

Wow, we can't talk about anything anymore without hitting Ahmadinejad off with a zinger can we? Yes, we all remember the Holocaust (well, I remember hearing about it cause I wasn't alive when the Holocaust went down) Can we move on please. Isn't 61 years the limit on feeling bad about something? How come no one takes a day to "remember" the Crusades? Cause it's fucking over!

Taliban militants burn down three Afghan schools

Cause learning is the devil!

Taliban insurgents have torched three schools in a restive southern province of Afghanistan, the latest attacks in the militants' campaign against the U.S.-backed government and its efforts to promote education.

You know what Western society should start doing? Promoting Islam. Yeah, that'll fuck with their heads a little. They hate us so much but if we start pushing Islamic laws and shit, their heads will explode.
It's like asking a robot one of those universal unanswerable questions that fry their circuits like if I could not tell a lie and I said "Everything I say is a lie" then am I lying or am I telling the truth cause if I'm telling the truth then it's a lie? Get it? Hey...my nose is bleeding.

US to ignore Iran at London conference

That'll learn 'em. Nothing gets the message across like the cold shoulder. Next thing you know we'll be telling the leader of Pakistan that Iran fucked his wife.

The United States will have no dialogue with Iran at the two-day Afghanistan donor conference from January 31 and in London.

Obviously we're upset with Iran because they're trying to enrich uranium and if anybody's building nuclear weapons but those country's that we like we get all pissy about it. I, however, do wonder if a country that has a complete lunatic in power should have a red button. He might push it because the guy in the well told him too (This makes sense if you know you Shiite Muslim fables)

"Iran's President Ahmadinejad is to be blamed," State Department's third-ranking official Under Secretary of State for Political Affairs Nicolas Burns said while briefing reporters on the conference on Friday.
Holy fucking shit look at that fucking title. It's longer than the marathon at the special olympics. State Department third ranking official under Secretary of State for Political Affairs. How do you fit that shit on a business card? Bet he thinks he's all important and everything. Probably a loser.
"In an environment where the new Iranian President has called for the destruction of Israel, has put Iran on a more radical course in its nuclear policy and continued support for terrorism. There's not a lot to talk about," Burns said.

Wait, I thought you were going to ignore them. If there's a lot to talk about then why the cold shoulder at the donor thingy in London? That doesn't make any sense. Maybe you're not qualified to be the State Department third ranking official under Secretary of State for Political Affairs.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Pot found in tunnel

You found a pot? Good for you.

Authorities said they discovered more than two tons of marijuana in a cross-border tunnel that began near the Tijuana airport and ended inside a warehouse on the U.S. side.

Ooohhhh...the good kind of pot. For a second I thought maybe this was news about the discovery of an ancient kitchen. You know, boring shit.

Hacked out of the earth some 85ft below ground, the tunnel runs 2,400ft between two industrial warehouses straddling the border.

Someone really, really wanted to come to America to spend time to build that fucking path. Makes you wonder how safe we actually are from terrorists down at that Mexican border.

Iran proposes resuming direct US flights

No need...

Security tight as Muslims gather

It's kind of sad that a gathering of Muslims these days instills thoughts of suicide bombing, terrorism and violence. But that is what happens when a few thousand bad apples of one religion declare war on the world. So now Muslims, everyone is watching you. Don't worry, in about one hundred years we'll be picking on someone else, maybe the Irish again.

Tight security is in place in Bangladesh as more than a million Muslims gather for the biggest annual Islamic event after the hajj.

How many annual events do Muslims have. I swear that religion sounds like one big vacation.

Around 22,000 troops have been seconded to guard the three-day World Muslim Congregation, Biswa Ijtema, at Tongi near the Bangladeshi capital, Dhaka.

The Biswa Ijtema is organised by a moderate Islamic group, Tablig Jamaat.

I can't say at least half the words in those sentences.

In recent months Bangladesh has been hit by a wave of attacks linked to a banned Islamic group. The group, Jamaat-ul-Mujahideen (JMB) want to impose strict Islamic Sharia law in the country.

What's with the strict Islamic law bullshit? Do you really think people are going to want to live like that everywhere? I don't think strict Islamic law is as popular as you think it is. You might want to take a poll or something.

Hamas supreme leader 'returning from exile'

That could not be the best idea.

Khaled Mashal, the exiled supreme leader of Hamas and one of Israel's most wanted men, has signalled his intention to return to the Gaza Strip following the organisation's landslide victory in the Palestinian parliamentary elections.

What's that whistling sound?

The European Union is said to be facilitating Mashal's return from Damascus next week, when he will begin talks with President Mahmoud Abbas over a possible political partnership with the ousted Fatah party to form a new government.

Here's a tip to all you Palestinians out there. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, ride in the same car as Mr. Mashal for at least a week or two. Trust me.

Tigers blame military for rebel killing

A rebel group is blaming the government for killing rebels. Isn't that what they are supposed to do? Don't rebel if you can't take the heat there guys.

Sri Lanka's armed forces have rejected an accusation from Tamil Tiger rebels that the government was behind the assassination of a senior rebel officer.

Don't deny it, even if it isn't true. I would be like, yes, we killed the senior rebel officer because he was a senior rebel officer and that's bad. So we killed him. If he had not been a senior rebel officer, maybe we wouldn't have killed him. Maybe we should write this down for you.

The killing came a day after the Tamil rebels and the government agreed to resume peace talks.

Well isn't it obvious they didn't want that ONE senior rebel officer to take part in the peace talks? I don't know much about Sri Lanka politics, I know nothing of their government or these Tamil Tigers (cool name, much cooler than Al-Qaeda or Lashkar-e-Toiba or one of those) so I won't play sides. I will say when you rebel against a government you're inviting yourself to be killed.
If rebellions were easy I wouldn't be at work today. (not sure what that means but I don't want to go to work)

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Distant, Earth-like planet discovered

Good, maybe I can go live there cause we fucked this one up.

Sexual harassment common on US campus

So is casual sex, threesomes, drunken orgies and sexual experimentation. Can't have those without the occasional harassments. I've seen those Girls Gone Wild commericals. College is like ancient Rome without the togas (well, sometimes with the togas)

A national survey conducted by the American Association of University Women has found that sexual harassment is common on campus, with 62 percent of college students complaining about having received inappropriate comments or gestures.

You're talking about young kids whose hormones are going at a quicker pace than the midnight olympic dash at the Mexican / US border. Of course people are going to get harassed. Now, if rape and sexual assault were becoming more common on campus then that's something I would want to hear about. That's a problem. College is supposed to get people ready for the real world (it doesn't though, college is fun, real world, not so fun) You can't get by in the real world without having someone make a inappropiate comment or gesture at you. Got to learn to ignore that shit.

Of the millions of people who have agreed to participate in online surveys, a random sample was selected to be offered a questionnaire on college experiences. The roughly 2,000 18- to 24-year-old college students who responded to the survey in May were told that sexual harassment was unwanted behavior and could include anything from suggestive glances to spreading sexual rumors and forced contact.

Suggestive glances? What if you got a booger hanging or something? Grow up people. If you're so bothered by the opposite sex, or same sex, finding you attractive and attempting to court you then join a convent or, I don't know, stop doing your hair in the morning or stop brushing your teeth.

Hamas wins upset victory in Palestinian election

Careful what you wish for Hamas. Running a terror organization is one thing. Running a population is a whole other story. Good luck with that. Can't suicide bomb your way to the top of approval ratings. (Maybe you should try though)

The Islamic Hamas movement swept to victory over the long-dominant Fatah faction on Thursday in Palestinian parliamentary polls, a political earthquake that could bury any hope for reviving peace talks with Israel.

Cause, you know, those peace talks were going so well.

The shock outcome, acknowledged by Fatah ahead of official results, would not automatically unseat President Mahmoud Abbas, a moderate elected last year after Yasser Arafat's death. But he has said he might resign if unable to pursue a peace policy.

Really? Shocking? I'm not all that surprised to be honest. Hamas is like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (no offense Hamas) in that the people just can't seem to get enough of them. They're more popular than something that's really popular in Palestine (not sure what Palestinians like, maybe pastries and rockets)
If Hamas plans on doing right by the Palestinian people they're going to need to talk with Israel. Silent treatment between leaders really never works. You don't speak up and people are going to speak for you. Just as the Sunni Iraqis who boycotted the first Iraqi elections.

So now Hamas, you've gone from a local terror group to a political power. The world is watching. You're going to have to switch tactics though. You can't terrorize the world. Just ask those Al-Qaeda guys hiding in caves, ducking everytime a plane flies overhead.

Infighting is seen as splitting enemy in Iraq

First sign that maybe a country's resistence to foreign occupiers is not going as well as they planned? When the insurgents start killing insurgents. Kind of a win-win situation for US and British forces no?

A deepening rift between radical foreign-led fighters and Iraqi insurgents has turned violent and created an opportunity for U.S. forces to persuade local rebels to put down their weapons and join the political process, the top U.S. intelligence officer in Iraq said.

This, I'm guessing, is good news on the Iraqi front. Looks like Al-Qaeda in Iraq's strategy of winning the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people by blowing them fifty yards through the air with shockwaves from human bombs is backfiring. Who would have guessed?

At least six ranking members of al-Qaeda in Iraq have been assassinated by Sunni insurgents or tribal gunmen in separate incidents since September. The killings are usually in retaliation for al-Qaida's role in violence, such as the execution of local police officers.

Here's a note to Al-Qaeda. People don't like being killed. Being willing to die for your cause, no matter how distorted that cause may be, is one thing. Forcing others to die for your cause is just plain ignorant. About three years of that seems to be all the people of Iraq can take. (you'd think this should have happened sooner, oh well, better late than never. Kind of like a girls period)

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

8-Year-Old and Father Face Charges in Shooting

Think someone misunderstood the idea of "quality time".

An 8-year-old boy and his father face charges in a shooting at the For Kids We Care day-care center in Germantown, Md. The victim will be released from the hospital today.

John Linwood Hall Sr., 56, who owned the gun, will be arraigned today. Under Maryland law, it is a misdemeanor to store a gun where an unsupervised child can access it. According to police, the boy found the gun in a container at Hall's home. Hall, who has a criminal record dating back nearly 40 years, could face a $1,000 fine.

Oh no, not a fine! A misdemeanor to store a gun where an unsupervised child can access it? The kid didn't just access it, he brought it to day-care. How do you not notice an 8 year-old is packing heat?

The victim was shot in the arm when the boy was handling a .38-caliber Taurus revolver inside his backpack. She is expected to fully recover.

Show and tell got out of fucking hand. Here comes the day-care metal detectors.

Bush visits super-secret spies

We'd tell you where but that's super-duper secret. And why is super-duper secret times two till infinity.

While pressing his campaign to explain stepped-up domestic spying in the terrorism era, President Bush is taking time out to boost the morale of people carrying out this work at the National Security Agency.

Spies don't need a morale boost, they're fucking spies, they're the coolest people in the country. You know how easily you can get laid by saying "I'm a super-secret spy"? Oh, I guess they can't say that huh...well, they can say they're firefighters, has the same effect.

Bush was traveling to the heavily secured site of the super-secret spy agency in suburban Maryland Wednesday to give a speech behind closed doors and meet with employees in advance of Senate hearings on the much-criticized domestic surveillance.

Hey everybody, our super-secret spy agency is in Maryland! We are a nation of retards. The rest of world shouldn't hate us, they should just make us sit in the corner until we grow up.

Iran claims Britain behind bombings in oil city

Whoa, yesterday I was sure they would blame Israel or, if not Israel at least the US, but Iran's thrown us a curve ball and blamed the Brits. Well played.

Iran on Wednesday directly accused Britain of equipping and directing those behind a twin bomb attack in the oil city of Ahvaz that killed eight people and wounded dozens more.

You know, if Britain had a history of bombing things I would agree with you guys but when I think about it...who really has the history of bombing things...it's not the British...who could it be?

Britain immediately dismissed the allegations.

That's just poppycock my good man! (Wouldn't it be funny if they really talked that way)

"The trace of Iraq's occupiers in the Ahvaz crimes are clear, and they must take responsibility," hardline President Mahmud Ahmadinejad told Iranian media.

Ahmadinejad, this might be a hard thing for you to hear, but you're own people want to kill you. Why? Maybe it's cause you're leading their nation down a path of war. Maybe. That'd be my guess at least. I know it's easier to blame the infidels but...you know what, nevermind. If you don't blame the real culprits then they're free to try and kill you again.

European Inquiry Fails to Confirm Secret CIA Prisons

Cause they're secret you fool.

A European human rights investigator on Tuesday accused the United States of "unacceptable and appalling" tactics in the fight against terrorism but said he was unable to independently confirm reports of secret prisons run by the CIA in Eastern Europe.

Well then, I accuse you of appalling and deviant sexual practices with farm animals...Though I have no proof of this.

In an interim report presented to the Council of Europe, the continent's official human rights watchdog group, Dick Marty, a Swiss parliamentarian, also accused European governments of either collaborating or looking the other way as U.S. intelligence officers abducted or secretly detained terrorism suspects on European soil.

You're just mad cause your name is Dick Marty.

If you have proof of some wrong doings, then by all means, let's see some proof. Otherwise you're just pulling false alarms and acting like a paranoid nutcase. Seems everyone's out to prove America is evil. Why does everyone think we're evil?

When did we stop viewing the people who are blowing up on buildings and subways as evil and start worrying about the CIA treating terrorists badly? Do I think people should be tortured? Well, under certain circumstances...yes I do. People like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed or Abu Faraj al-Libbi, people who have information that can save lives, yes, I think we should obtain that information through any means we have.

Do I think we should torture people like Iraqi insurgents or Saddam loyalists? No, I don't.
Some people say we should not treat each prisoner as an individual case. I ask why not?
If we captured Abu Musab al-Zarqawi maybe we should stick a red-hot poker up ass to find out what he knows and maybe just let Mohammed Smith who owns the newspaper stand in Baghdad and might have hid a gun for an insurgent go with a warning?

I don't see anything wrong with that. You think if Ayman al-Zawahiri got his hands on Dick Marty (sounds dirty doesn't it) he would treat him with the same respect Mr. Marty expects the US to treat a man like Zawahiri with?

Iran's Offer From Russia on Uranium Gets UK Backing

More possible progress? Is today, January 25th, 2006, the day that may be remembered as the day the planet took a positive turn? Is it true?

Britain welcomes a proposal by Russia's government to process uranium for Iran's nuclear program on Russian soil.

Sounds good to me. That way it can be monitored and gauged and maybe Iran won't blow Israel up. I may not know all the facts, actually, I can guarentee I don't but this sounds like an okay solution. And if Britain's backing it, it's got to be good. (These people gave us cricket!)

Uranium enrichment by the Russians would eliminate the need for Iran to carry out the work, a procedure the U.S. says may be used by the Islamic republic to produce nuclear weapons and threaten world security.

Good thinking Russians. Glad to see you're out to help the world. Hey...we trust the Russians now right? I mean, this is a good thing right? I guess we'll see in time.

Palestinian vote could redraw political scene

Correct me if I'm wrong but don't most votes carry the possibility of redrawing a political scene?

Amid tight security and a sea of green and yellow flags, Palestinians in the West Bank and Gaza went to the polls Wednesday for parliamentary elections that could change the course of politics in the Palestinian territories and the region.

Okay, a little democracy in Palestine. That's a good thing right? I mean, these people are choosing their own destinies. Their shaping their future for brighter days. I have hope. I feel good. I wish them the best of luck.

About 1.3 million Palestinian voters are eligible to choose candidates from 11 parties in the first elections for the 132-member Palestinian Legislative Council since 1996.

That's cool. First elections in 10 years. Does this mean that we could see progress in the Middle East? Maybe so. Maybe the future is not as bleak as I originally assumed.

Hamas has won over some voters with a tightly organized campaign focusing on local issues, such as public services and the need to clean up government, while playing down its violent ideology.

Well, maybe Hamas has finally realized that the only way to bring about change is through voice and not violence. Maybe Hamas will be able to bring Palestine up with the times and support the people of Palestine into better days.

Rival militant groups pledged to keep their guns out of sight Wednesday, but several pre-election skirmishes and two killings, including the shooting in Nablus of Yousef Hassouna, 35, a local politician from a branch of the ruling Fatah Party, kept security forces on alert.

Okay, a few slip ups but that's to be expected I guess. Killing politicans on election day...umm...no, no, I still have hope. I'm staying positive.

In response to the Nablus attack, seven militant organizations, including Hamas, signed a declaration disavowing violence on election day.

Well, you shouldn't need a declaration disavowing violence on election day. And why no violence just on election day. Shouldn't you not want violence on say, Monday through Saturday and then you can give people Sunday to kill each other, you know, for starters as to not shock their system too much.

Israel has said it would not deal with Hamas politicians. The United States and Europe have warned they would withhold aid to the Palestinian Authority if Hamas, which opposes Israel's existence and is on the U.S. State Department's list of terrorist groups, becomes part of the government.

Things are looking down again. I'm holding on to the hope. I'm really, really trying here.

Fatah's leading candidate, Marwan Barghouti, also called for a national unity government that would include Hamas. Serving five life terms in an Israeli prison for killing Israelis, Barghouti told the Al-Jazeera satellite channel, "There is no peace process."

I can't take this emotional rollercoaster. Stop the planet and let me off.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

No Jail Time in Death of Iraqi General

This is going to be interesting.

An Army interrogator convicted of killing an Iraqi general by stuffing him face-first into a sleeping bag can remain in the military and does not have to go to jail, a court-martial jury ruled Monday night.

Stuffing him face first into a sleeping bag. Where do they learn these interrigation techniques, frat parties?
And please explain to me how this isn't murder.

The jury Saturday instead found him guilty of the lesser charges of negligent homicide and dereliction of duty, which carried a maximum three-year prison sentence and dismissal from the service.

"I didn't mean to kill him, I was only showing him how soft and cozy the sleeping bag was." I'm calling bullshit on this one. Look, I understand the need for questionable interrigation techniques when it comes to terrorism but killing the prisoner doesn't yeild any information other than what the person smells like dead.
Also, we can't have this kind of shit happening. The world already views us as barbarians. How can you justify shoving someone's head into a sleeping bag...wait...how would that kill someone. I've crawled into sleeping bags headfirst before and I'm still here.

The jury apparently agreed with defense arguments that Welshofer had believed he was following orders to use creative interrogation techniques when he put Iraqi Maj. Gen. Abed Hamed Mowhoush face-first in a sleeping bag, wrapped him in electrical wire and sat on his chest in November 2003. The 57-year-old general died after 20 minutes in the bag.

Ah, see I never wrapped myself in electrical tape and had someone sit on my chest. And talk about creative. Sounds like a Looney Tunes episode I saw once. I wonder if I can get away with doing that and claiming creative inspiration.

Passenger bites man, jumps from moving plane

This is why I don't like to fly. Well, not the only reason, but part of it.

An airline passenger bit a fellow traveler Monday, then jumped out of a jetliner as it was moving to take off, authorities said. He was later subdued with a stun gun.

You'd think the jump from the moving plane would have been suffice to subdue.

Troy Rigby, 28, was taken to a hospital from the Fort Lauderdale airport, the Broward County sheriff's office said. It was unclear whether he was injured.

umm...moving plane jump...stun gun. My guess is that he's not feeling up to par.

The Continental Airlines flight had been delayed for about 30 minutes, and as the Boeing 737 began to taxi, the man started yelling to get off, the sheriff's office said.
He ran to the front of the plane and banged on windows and the cockpit door, authorities said. As passengers and crew members tried to restrain him, he bit a passenger.
When the pilot depressurized the cabin, the man opened a door, jumped to the tarmac and ran toward the terminal. Deputies said they zapped him with a stun gun after he resisted arrest.

Hey, some people are afraid to fly.

Death toll in Iran's twin bombings rises to 8

Terror attacks in Iran? This world is going down faster than a stripper with a coke habit. (Apologizes to all you young ladies taking your clothes off to pay for college)

Six people were killed and 40 wounded after two bombs went off in the southern Iranian city of Ahvaz on Tuesday, a spokesman of the governor's office in the Khuzestan province said.
Farokhi Nejad told the news network Khabar that one bomb exploded in a bank and the other in the government's natural resources department between 9:30 and 10 a.m. local time.

All the wounded were taken to local hospitals, while security officials had launched their investigations and would soon announce more details about the culprits, the spokesman said.

They'll be blaming Israel.

It is still unclear whether the explosions were connected to the scheduled visit by the president.

Somebody try and kill Ahmadinejad? That's crazy. Ahmadinejad's the best thing to happen to Iran since public executions and the best thing to happen to mock-news comedy since George Bush Jr. obtained the power of speech. Every time Ahmadinejad gets in front of a microphone or a camera you're guarenteed a comdeic goldrush of nuclear threats and insane ravings.

We're only a few weeks away from Ahmadinejad claiming that Allah shampooed his hair in the shower and that the American Revolutionary War never happened.

Militants pledge to ensure smooth Palestinian vote

Well, if there's anybody who can ensure a peaceful voting process it's the militants who disrupted them the first time.

Militant groups pledged on the eve of Palestinian elections to prevent any attempt to disrupt voting in the poll, which could usher the powerful Hamas movement into government for the first time.

Makes sense. Why would Hamas want to disrupt a vote that could usher them into political power? You have got to hand it to those militants, they know when to turn the fire down.

A statement issued by seven militant groups, including Hamas and two armed wings of Fatah, said they had reached "an agreement of honour" to send unarmed observers to assist Palestinian police protecting polling stations.
But the groups said the militants' weapons would not be far away.

Nicely done militants. Nothing says peaceful process like a little subtle threat thrown in for good measure. Anyone else get the feeling that, regardless of the votes outcome, some group, somewhere, is going to be upset enough to go get those "close by" weapons and protest in the only way the Middle East seems to be able to protest?(involving fire, other countries flags and random violence)

Monday, January 23, 2006

Bush's Iran Options Limited by Iraq, Perils of Military Action

"Grave threat'' is how U.S. President George W. Bush described Iraq three years ago. Today he uses that same phrase -- to characterize Iran.

Well isn't it obvious that he's doing this alphabetically? It is true that Iran is turning out to be everything Iraq wasn't, or maybe wasn't, or was and isn't anymore or whatever the fuck is going on. Have we found Bin Laden yet?

The resemblance between these two standoffs ends with the rhetoric, analysts say. Iran and its nuclear program today are far more dangerous than Iraq's was, and U.S. options are far more limited.

This corner we've back ourselves into is uncomfortable.

As a result, the Bush administration is pursuing a markedly different approach than it did in 2003, when its diplomacy was aimed at lining up allies for a war. This time, U.S. diplomats are seeking an international consensus on how to proceed.

Yeah, we should have given Iraq a pass and went after Iran but who would have known there would be TWO dangerous people in power in the Middle East considering the region has been nothing but a roadmap or security and peace?
Is there a way to push America a little further away from the rest of world? It would really be in everyones benefit.

Russia accuses UK of spying

And his name is Bond...James Bond.

Russia accused Britain on Monday of running a spying operation in Moscow using a receiver hidden in a fake rock to gather secret information.

Wow...I was just kidding with the James Bond comment but, hidden receivers, fake rocks, well it actually sounds more like Spy Kids than James Bond.

Russia-based human rights bodies said the spy scandal may in fact be targeting them, following Russia's new curbs on the actions of non-governmental organization (NGO) pressure groups.

Where would one put a fake rock that could intercept intelligence information? Do the Russians hold secret meetings in the park? Or, like said above, maybe it's Russians spying on Russians and, oh boy this would make a cool video game. Isn't it nice to know that now, well after the cold war, no one trusts the Russians...not even other Russians.

President Vladimir Putin, himself a former KGB spy, has said the West is using NGOs as political instruments.

Putin's a former spy. Cool.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Sunday Sign of Hope 1/22/06

Dogs Alert Deputy; Help Save Collapsed Owner's Life

At least something still loves us. From WNBC:

A sheriff's deputy who found a diabetic man who had collapsed in a cornfield said the man's dogs are a major reason why he survived.

Morgan County, Ind., sheriff's Deputy Steve Hoffman said he had just finished with a traffic stop on a rural road in Centerton, Ind., one evening recently when he noticed something odd coming from a cornfield.

"I noticed what appeared to be an illumination or a light that was flickering and facing my direction," Hoffman said.

Hoffman said he went toward the light, where he found an unconscious Bill Burns and Burns' two dogs. The light was coming from a flashlight, which one of the dogs was holding in its mouth.

The other dog was lying on Burns as if to keep him warm, Hoffman said.

Hoffman said he saw Burns was wearing a bracelet that indicated he was a diabetic. Burns was taken to a hospital, where he spent four days before being released.

Burns had been walking with the dogs when he collapsed. He said he doesn't remember the ordeal, but he believes that Hoffman seeing Burns' flashlight in the mouth of one of the dogs is remarkable.

"It's got to be just fate or faith, one or the other," Burns said.

Hoffman said the dogs "definitely are the heroes in the story."

"Had he not had the dogs with him that evening, I think the outcome would have been a lot worse," Hoffman said.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Kuwaiti parliament speaker says ailing emir wants to take oath

QUICK! Before he fucking dies. We don't have much time.

The Cabinet on Saturday asked parliament to transfer power from the ailing new emir to the prime minister, but the emir told the legislature that he wanted to take the oath of office.

It seems so many world leaders are dying lately doesn't it? Imagine a super flu that only infected people in power. That would be pretty cool. It could be called the President Flu or something. Ten bucks says they'd have a vaccine and cure within twenty minutes.

Sheik Sadd, who is in his mid-70s, was in a wheelchair at his predecessor's funeral and in brief public appearances since. He showed little reaction as Kuwaitis paid their condolences.
Sheik Saad's health has deteriorated since he suffered from a bleeding colon in 1997, and many lawmakers have expressed concern that he might not be physically able even to take the complete oath of office.

The Kuwaiti leader is bleeding from his ass? Yeah...that'd put me in a wheelchair as well.

Egypt says Hamas recognises existence of Israel

Of course they recognize it...that's why they want to destroy it.

The Palestinian militant group Hamas recognises the existence of Israel and will go along with negotiations with the Jewish state, Egyptian Foreign Minister Ahmed Aboul Gheit said in an interview published on Saturday.

This is an attempt by Hamas to legitamize themselves for political gain. It's a makeover for a terror group and I say, hey, if they're willing to go a peaceful route why not try? Nothing else is working over there.

It just proves that age old perception...no one is completely righteous, it's always about power and money, and sometimes women but not in the Middle East.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Mobile phones don't cause brain tumours

No, just 18-car pile-ups on the fucking highway.


Israel Blames Iran-Syria for Tel Aviv Attack

Hurry, get a seat! The fireworks are about to begin.

Israeli Defense Minister Shaul Mofaz said Syria and Iran are behind yesterday's suicide attack that injured 30 people in Tel Aviv.
Mofaz told the Israeli daily Haaretz the Iran-financed attack was planned by the Islamic Jihad and executed by Palestinians.

You do know that Israel is just itching for a reason to bomb Iran and Syria right? I mean, Palestinians have been turning themselves into human cherry bombs in Israel for years as if it's the newest dance craze.
Now Isreal blames Iran and Syria. Sounds like a little bit of a stretch to justify some action to me. Now, I'm not saying Syria and Iran are innocent, far from it. It just seems to me that maybe Israel was waiting for something like this so they can boost public approval for them to go ape shit.

France prepared to use nuclear weapons

Hey, France is growing up.

Jacques Chirac says he is prepared to use nuclear weapons against any state that carries out a terrorist attack on France.

Way to go overboard France but I do appreciate the toughening up. If the world can stand as one against terrorism then maybe, just maybe, we have a shot at bringing peace to the Middle East...hahahaha...I'm sorry...I couldn't type that without laughing.

Wow though, nuclear weapons huh. How about scaling it down and lending some ground support?

In a speech underlining the need for its expensive nuclear deterrent, the French President said that security comes at a price and France must be able to hit back hard at a hostile state's centres of power.

You know, I've always said that we as a country should say that if terrorists use a weapon of mass destruction on the United States that we will bomb Mecca. Now before you get in an uproar you have to understand something.

Terrorists are religious fanatics not afraid to die.
Terrorists are mostly Islamic.
Mecca is Islam's most treasured Holy Site.
Bombing Mecca would make them cry.

Would bombing Mecca be unfair for the millions of traditional Muslims that do not support terrorism and violence. Of course. Well, to them I say, get your religion in check. Start rising up against those giving your belief system a bad rep. Don't just sit their and complain about how you're being stereotyped by a few thousand bad apples. Kick the shit out of the bad apples. Start a new stereotype. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Anyway, back to the Frenchies.

On a visit to L'Ile-Longue base in Brittany, Mr Chirac said leaders of states who would "use terrorist means against us, just like anyone who would envisage using, in one way or another, arms of mass destruction, must understand that they would expose themselves to a firm and adapted response from us".

Translation: Bomb us and we'll turn your country into a crater.

Well, I don't know about you, but I feel safe.

Body Goes Unnoticed For Hours After Man Dies On Subway

This story is out from New York.

A 64-year-old Brooklyn man was found dead in a subway car Thursday, six hours after he apparently expired without being noticed by other commuters, police said.

This is a shocking story for everyone outside of New York. If you're from NY or have been a frequent visitor, this is not surprising. To be completely honest with you I was surprised New Yorkers noticed 9/11.

New Yorkers have an extra special way of ignoring everything that's going on around them. It's quite a sight to experience how they step over the homeless, walk around muggings and will sometimes, walk into a burning building without noticing the flames.

Japan cuts off US beef imports again

What's wrong with our beef? We eat your sushi.

Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi on Friday said Japan will completely halt imports of U.S. beef after a recent shipment was found that may contain material considered at risk for mad cow disease.

Wouldn't all beef technically be "at risk" for mad cow disease?

The deal that allowed the resumption of U.S. imports was limited to meat from cows aged 20 months or younger. The agreement excluded spines, brains, bone marrow and other parts of the cow thought to be at particularly high risk of containing mad cow disease.

We gave them a cow spine or something didn't we. Well I guess this is good news if you're a cow. And that's the kind of news I'm dedicated to giving you out there, unbias, fair and balanced regardless of age, sex, religion or species.

Personally, I could give two shits if Japan wants to eat our beef.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

'Bin Laden' audio tape broadcast

And he's singing everyone's favorites.

Arabic TV station al-Jazeera has broadcast an audio tape it says was by the al-Qaeda leader, Osama Bin Laden.
In it the voice warns that new attacks on the US are being planned, but offers a "long-term truce" to the Americans.

Truce? I thought we were the devil? Why offer a truce to the devil? Personally I think this is a terror tactic to scare us and then an admission of defeat. Maybe our missile strike on Firday hit a little too close to home for Binny. Personally, I hope he's alive. That way we can still kill him. Of course, experts are still looking over the tape.

"The operations are under preparation and you will see them in your houses as soon as they are complete, God willing," said the speaker on the audio tape, who sounded like bin Laden.

In our houses? Sounds like he's preparing an Al-Qaeda kitchen appliance set.

Suicide bomber dies in Tel Aviv attack

The suicide bomber died?

A suicide bomber blew himself up in a crowded pedestrian mall near Tel Aviv's old central bus station today. Police said at least 10 people were wounded.

Yeah but what killed the suicide bomber?

Medics said one person was seriously wounded, and four were in moderate condition.

Another suicide attack that wasn't as much an attack as it was a fireworks show.

Belgium urges Iran to end nuclear stand-off

Oh shit Iran, now you've done it. Now you're in for it guys. Belgiums involved.

Belgium has agreed to refer the Iran nuclear issue to the UN Security Council, calling also on Iran to take "immediate" action to resolve the current stand-off.

Well, who can deny Belgium? I mean, they'll hold back your waffles and then what? Pancakes for breakfast? I don't think so. I hope you're happy Iran, no more balanced breakfast for you.

Foreign Minister Karel De Gucht said Belgium also supports the convening of an extraordinary meeting of the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) on 2 and 3 February.

He's supporting a meeting in February. The gloves are off!!
(Ten bucks to anyone who can pronounce that foreign ministers name without hocking up some mucus)

"Iran knows what it has to do to revert this situation. Belgium calls on the Iranian leadership to take immediate and positive action," he said.

Pop quiz hotshot. Belgium's calling on you to take positive action on this nuclear standoff. What do you do? What do you do?

Russians face freezing chaos

Make sure to bring a jacket...and a blowtorch.

Russia is in the grip of a bitterly cold winter which is having severe consequences for both its residents and industry. Now the effects are extending to other parts of Europe. It was 32C yesterday. That is, minus 32C.

Alright, I'll admit it, I can't convert Celcious to Farenheit cause I'm American and here, we do things differently and never bother to learn the ways of the world. Why? Cause we're stubborn and selfish that's why.
So I'll just assume that minus 32C is really cold.

Russians do not bother saying the minus part because at this time of year it almost never gets above zero.

Bet they save a fortune on T-Shirts and shorts though. There's always a positive side to everything...unless you're in the Middle East.

Of course they are used to temperatures here that we only come across in our deep freezes. But this week has brought the sort of cold that has even the hardiest of Muscovites shaking their heads.
It has not been this cold here since 1979.

I was born in 1979...I wonder if that means I'm going to die this year?

One of the biggest problems every year comes from people getting drunk outside and then falling over in the snow and freezing to death.

Oh you Russians, you're so crazy. Seriously though, you're crazy. You shouldn't be THAT drunk that you can fall into snow and freeze to death. I've been drunk in the winter before but never drunk enough to not notice that the cells of my body are freezing solid. That's pretty damn drunk.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Strike Killed Al Qaeda Bomb Maker

Remember that airstrike last Friday in Pakistan that killed innocent villagers? Yeah well, apparently Pakistan has a whole other meaning for the word innocent.

Pakistani officials now believe that al Qaeda's master bomb maker and chemical weapons expert was one of the men killed in last week's U.S. missile attack in eastern Pakistan.

Midhat Mursi, 52, also known as Abu Khabab al-Masri, was identified by Pakistani authorities as one of four known major al Qaeda leaders present at an apparent terror summit in the village of Damadola early last Friday morning.

If this is true, it's a huge success in the war on terrorism as Midhat was a man too dangerous to be left in one piece.
But that's not all.

Pakistani intelligence identified Khalid Habib, head of al-Qaida operations in southeastern Afghanistan, and Abu Ubeida al Masri, an al-Qaida provincial commander in Afghanistan, also among those killed in the attack.

Kind of puts a whole new light on things don't it.

Also reportedly killed in the strike on Friday was Abdul Rehman al-Maghribi, an Al-Qaeda commander who was also a relative of Ayman al-Zawahiri, possibly his son-in-law.

Extemist dads in plot to kidnap Blairs' youngest

What the fuck is going on over there?

British police have reportedly foiled a plan to kidnap Prime Minister Tony Blair's five-year-old son Leo.

And we would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you damn police.

Extremist members or former members of Fathers 4 Justice planned to snatch the Blairs' fourth child to draw attention to the plight of fathers denied access to their children, The Sun reported yesterday.

You know what else denies access to children? Prison.

It is believed the men wanted to hold Leo for a short period of time and were not intending to harm him.

Physically. They really didn't think about the whole "mental and emotional scaring" being abducted can cause did they?

It is not clear how advanced the plan was.

Probably somewhere in between the mentioning of the plan and the drunk ramblings about how cool it would be.

I can understand a father's want and need to be with his children and in this day and age society favors and sides with the mother in more causes than not. A lot of times fathers do get the shit end of the stick. But kidnapping the someone's son, whether they be the Prime Minister of England or the janitor at MacDonalds proves nothing more than you are a selfish and dangerous piece of shit unfit to raise children.

Iraqi kidnappers threaten to kill U.S. journalist

See, I cover the news. I like to cover the news in my own little special way. Never has the thought crossed my mind that I should be WHERE the news is happening. Why? Cause I like breathing that's why. I find it...Fulfilling.

The captors of a U.S. journalist kidnapped in Baghdad 10 days ago threatened to kill her in three days unless authorities freed all female prisoners in Iraq, according to an Arabic television network that aired a brief video of the woman Tuesday.

It's a sad affair that this woman is being held captive by a bunch of lunatics but, and I'm pretty sure I've said this before, I'm a firm believer that reporters should not be running around a warzone unguarded and unprotected. Being embedded with the military is one thing. Playing super journalist in a country full of people who would like to kill you cause you're from America is a whole other story.

Jill Carroll, a freelance reporter based in Baghdad, was shown speaking, but there was no sound with the video shown by Al-Jazeera.

Just a side note. Are we watching those Al-Jazeera stations and reporters cause we should be?

The clip was the first sight of Carroll, 28, since she was abducted by gunmen in Baghdad as she left the office of Sunni Arab politician Adnan Dulaimi on Jan. 7. Her Iraqi interpreter, Allan Enwiyah, was shot and killed.

See, now, if that sentence had read "as she left the office of Sunni Arab politician Adnan Dulaimi on Jan. 7 with her six armed escorts" none of this shit would be happening. This is the price we pay for televising our wars.

I hope for a safe return for Ms. Carroll and if she is returned, COME HOME!

Court upholds US right-to-die law

If I want to die, I should be able to. Fair enough. Unfortunately most the people that should die...don't want to. And it's still illegal to give them a helping hand.

The US Supreme Court has rejected a challenge by the Bush Administration to the nation's only right-to-die law.

I want someone to explain to me why, if someone is terminally ill and suffering and the quality of life has turned into a day after day affair similiar to a Vietnam POW camp, why that person SHOULD NOT have the right to end their own life. And don't give me that "God is the only one to give life and to take life" bullshit cause the Bush administration just bombed three huts in Pakistan last week and called the collateral damage "unfortunate".
And I doubt God had a hand in the birth of some poor kid who's mother really needed that extra ten bucks to support her cocaine habit or the death of some redneck who thought it'd been a keen idea to watch a portable plug-in TV in the bathtub.

"The President remains fully committed to building a culture of life, a culture of life that is built on valuing life at all stages," Mr McClellan said.

This coming from a man who's been making targeted kills since 2001. And before that was executing people like there was a prize in their bellies when he was the governor of Texas.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. The majority of the Christians of this country are not arguing for LIFE but more for the right to decide who lives and who dies. Most of them are passing judgement, which, one could argue, is really the only thing God should have a monopoly on.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Missing Long Island Man Hit By Train In Manhattan

Found him!

A missing Long Island man has been identified as the person who was struck dead by a No. 1 train Sunday in lower Manhattan, Nassau County police said.

Well, that's a relief.

Police were treating the disappearance as a missing person's case.

Well, why not treat it like a shoplifting incident you fucking morons.

Gasoline tanker truck overturns on Queens highway, catches fire

Yea...gasoline'll do that.

Police: Video Helped Nab Beating Suspects

Bored? Beat homeless people to death. Seems logical enough although, there's one thing. Apparently, that's illegal. You're going to have to find another way to unwind America.

A surveillance video that captured images of a homeless man being savagely beaten helped police track down the two teenage suspects, officials said.

Yeah, that might not be the best place to savagely beat another human being, right in front of the camera like that. See, when beating people to death you want to do it in the privacy of your own tool shed or a darkened and deserted alley so that NO ONE CAN SEE YOU.

More than 100 tips were generated from the video and photographs of the Thursday beating, and investigators and made contact with the families of the suspects within a day, investigators said. Family members and their attorneys negotiated the Sunday surrender of Brian Hooks, 18, and Thomas S. Daugherty, 17, who had fled the state.

Hooks and Daugherty face murder charges in the death of Norris Gaynor, 45, and aggravated battery charges in the videotaped beating of Jacques Pierre, 58, police Capt. Michael Gregory said.

I hope they tape the savage beatings those two will be experiencing in prison for the rest of their lives.

4 terrorists killed in U.S. missile strike

At least four foreign terrorists died in the U.S. airstrike purportedly aimed at al-Qaeda's No. 2 man, the provincial government said Tuesday.

A statement by the administration of Bajur, a Pakistan tribal region bordering Afghanistan, also said that 10 to 12 foreign extremists had been invited to dinner at the village hit in Friday's attack.

The statement was the first official confirmation by Pakistani authorities that foreign militants were killed in the attack, which officials have said also killed innocent civilians.

"It is regrettable that 18 local people lost their lives in the attack, but this fact also cannot be denied, that 10-12 foreign extremists had been invited on a dinner," it said.

But wait, wait, wait, just yesterday the Pakistani government said that only innocent villagers were killed in the air strike. Does this mean the possibility that Ayman Al-Zawahiri was killed still exists? Of course it does. You see my fellow earthlings, nobody knows what the fuck is going on ever. The sooner you come to that realization the sooner you'll be able to live your life in a peaceful manner. Not giving anybody any crediblity and automatically assuming everyone who speaks to you is a fucking moron makes it easier to come to your own conclusions about things.

Zawahiri is probably dead. Until he puts out another tape I'm celebrating his departure from my planet. Pastries for everyone!

California Executes Oldest Inmate

Funny enough the method of execution was jumping out of a closet and yelling "AH!"

California executed its oldest death row inmate early Tuesday despite arguments from prisoner advocates that condemning a blind and wheelchair-bound inmate in his 70s violated the U.S. Constitution's ban on cruel and unusual punishment.

Executing a blind and wheelchair bound inmate is not cruel and unusual punishment. It's a favor. Besides, how can one be 'too sick and old' to die?

Clarence Ray Allen, whose 76th birthday was Monday, was pronounced dead at 12:38 a.m. at San Quentin State Prison. He became the second-oldest inmate put to death nationally since the Supreme Court allowed capital punishment to resume in 1976.

And his parents said he'd never amount to anything. You showed them Clarence!

Allen, who was blind and mostly deaf, suffered from diabetes and had a nearly fatal heart attack in September only to be revived and returned to death row, was assisted into the death chamber by four large correctional officers and lifted out of his wheelchair.

Cause God forbid he would hurt himself before we killed him. Really, it wasn't an execution as much as a helping hand. I mean, if they had just waited a few months he would have been executed all on his own. But NO, the state has to kill him so that he pays for his crime. We can be very barberic at times.

Allen went to prison for having his teenage son's 17-year-old girlfriend murdered for fear she would tell police about a grocery-store burglary. While behind bars, he tried to have witnesses in the case wiped out, prosecutors said. He was sentenced to death in 1982 for hiring a hit man who killed a witness and two bystanders.

And he got to die at 76. Doesn't seem fair but then again, life isn't fair. If it was two bystanders at his execution would have bit the dust.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Al Qaeda No. 2 Said to Be Saved by Chance

I ain't buying the whole "Zawahiri not killed" thing until Zawahiri issues one of his broadcasts. I just think the whole thing sounds like bullshit.

A missed dinner appointment may have spared Al Qaeda's second in command from a U.S. airstrike on a Pakistani border village, Pakistani intelligence officials said Sunday.

You know, Saturday Pakistani officials said no one in the village that the US bombed had any Al-Qaeda connections or even knew Ayman al-Zawahiri. Now they're saying they invited him to dinner. Watch the flip-flop.

The two officials said this could explain why Friday's predawn attack missed its apparent target, Ayman Zawahiri, Osama bin Laden's top lieutenant.

Are we all sure it missed? Zawahiri hasn't spoken up at all. It was reported that bodies were quickly removed from the site immediately after the KABOOM. So, maybe, just maybe, Pakistan is fibbing.
Don't you think there would have to be some good intelligence before the CIA sends a Hellfire missile into someones kitchen? Things aren't adding up here.

Zawahiri instead sent some aides to the dinner, which marked an Islamic holiday; investigators were trying to determine whether they were among the 17 killed in three houses that were destroyed in the missile strike, one of the officials said.

Moral of this story? Don't invite worldwide wanted terrorists over for dinner. If my best friend in the world was wanted by an entire country that had a track record of blowing things up and wanted to sleep in my guest room I would send him packing, especially if I have kids in the house.

If innocents were killed in the bombings it wouldn't be the fault of the US or Pakistani government but the fault of the moron who invited Al-Qaeda into the house. Take responsiblity for turning your village into a target.

Personally, I think Zawahiri is dead. And if not, he's hiding somewhere crying about his 'close call'.

Sharon moves eyelids

So far we've had finger movement, hand and feet movement and now, eyelid movement. But he's still in a coma. I'm confused on whether this is good news or not.

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, who is being treated for a massive stroke, moved his eyelids Monday, his family said, according to a hospital statement.


Sharon's aides said the prime minister had opened his eyes, according to some Israeli Web sites, but the statement from Hadassah Hospital denied his eyes had fully opened.


The medical significance of the eyelid movement was unknown, the statement said.

oh...unknown...okay. So we don't know the significance of eyelid movement. You know what...I'm damn sure there's something much more exciting going on in that part of the world than this. I'm sure something somewhere exploded. Moving on now...

Palestinian coach hospitalized

Palestine national team coach Azmi Nassar is undergoing tests in an Israeli hospital after suffering a stroke, said his son Raymond Nasser.


Kuwait mourns emir as new ailing ruler takes over

Replacing a dead leader with a dying leader is like switching batteries in two remotes. Eventually, you're going to need to buy new batteries.

Kuwaitis mourned the death of their ruler on Monday amid indications that the new ailing emir will maintain key foreign and energy policies.
U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney was due to arrive in the major oil producer on Tuesday to offer condolences for Sheikh Jaber al-Ahmad al-Sabah, who died and was buried on Sunday at the age of 78 after a long illness.

Died AND buried on Sunday. Don't waste any time Kuwait. What if he was just napping? Oh well. So how old is the new leader?

The crown prince, Sheik Saad Al Abdullah Al Sabah -- in his mid-70s and ailing himself -- assumed the throne.

We're going to have deja vu in the near future.

US steps up pressure on defiant Iran

Blah blah blah. Anyone else out there think this is not going end without the sharp whistle of an incoming rocket?

Senior Republican and Democrat members of Congress have urged swift action against Iran, including UN-mandated economic sanctions, as the sense of crisis over Iran's decision to resume uranium enrichment escalated in Washington.

Israel is going to bomb Iran. Watch.

Republican Senator John McCain, a leading candidate for the party's presidential nomination in 2008, said Iran's decision to restart research into enriching uranium, a major step on the road to developing nuclear weapons, was "the most grave situation we have faced" since the end of the Cold War.

Well, the cold war involved nukes being pointed at us. This is a little different. This is going to end soon. I have one of those gut feelings that pretty soon there's going to be some extra holes in Iranian soil. Can't say Iran wasn't warned enough. This is like that snot-nosed punk kid at the playground taunting everybody and pretty much asking for an ass kicking.

Asked whether the US should consider military action against Iran, Senator McCain said it should not be ruled out, though he said that any military action could have grave consequences.

Grave consequences...no pun intended.

I guess we'll have to sit back and wait for the fireworks. They'll be along soon enough.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Sunday Sign of Hope 1/15/06

Israel OKs Palestinian vote in Jerusalem

from Science Daily

The Israeli cabinet voted Sunday to allow Palestinian residents of East Jerusalem to vote in the Palestinian elections on Jan. 25.

Israel had threatened to prohibit voting in the area because of the participation of the militant anti-Israeli Hamas group, but faced pressure from both Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas and the United States, the BBC said.

However, the Cabinet decided to bar the distribution of ballot slips and campaign posters belonging to Hamas.

"In any case, Israel will not allow Hamas any entry into Jerusalem, including carrying out election propaganda," said a statement from the Israeli Ministry of Foreign Affairs.

Last week, acting Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and Defense Minister Shaul Mofaz said they each intended to see that voting would be allowed.

Olmert is filling in for Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, who suffered a massive stroke on Jan. 4.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Radical Muslim cleric goes on trial in London

For the past decade, Abu Hamza, the one-eyed, hook-handed cleric (wouldn't Pirate have sounded better than cleric, honestly), has been depicted as a hate-filled bigot who has distorted Islam and provided the British tabloids with an archetypal villain.

Well, its easy to depict people in their true light. I heard some of the things this guy has to say and, let's just say we won't see him on Sesame Street anytime soon.

The Egyptian-born Mr. Hamza is accused, among other things, of soliciting to murder, inciting racial hatred and possessing offensive recordings. He has pleaded not guilty to the 15 charges. If convicted, he faces life in prison.

Yesterday, the prosecution played a black-and-white videotape of a sermon in Arabic, recorded in the notorious Finsbury Park mosque. He was the cleric there from the 1990s until 2003, when the trustees ousted him. In a rambling discourse, he said it was a religious duty to kill Jews.

Well, no terrorist talk so far.

The jury heard Mr. Hamza's views on tourism, additives in food, women and the evils of democracy, which the prosecution said were attempts to create a "blueprint for living" for his followers.

In New York we call people like him "raving derelicts" and we let them wash our windshields sometimes.

In another videotape, he told an audience it was permissible to steal from "non-believers" to pay off debts.

Why would such an upstanding person like Hamza be in debt?

"Whether it is drugs money or cheese money, you can take it," he said. He also said children should be trained to fight.

What the fuck is cheese money?

This guys a loon, either give him his own TV show or put him in a cell. Anything other than those two options would be counter-productive.

Iran does not need nuclear arms - Ahmadinejad

Mark the occasion, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad finally agrees with the rest of the world on something.

At a news conference in the Iranian capital, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said that his country does not need nuclear weapons.

Good, then problem solved. Now, stop enriching uranium please.

Nuclear weapons were needed only by people who "want to solve everything through the use of force," Ahmadinejad said.

And how were you planning on "wiping Israel off the face of map"? You gonna huff and puff and ask them to leave politely?

Al-Qaeda No. 2 wasn't on site during US attack, officials say

Al-Qaeda's second-in-command was the target of a U.S. airstrike near the Afghan border but he was not at the site of the attack, two senior Pakistani officials said Saturday.

I'm still not counting it a miss until Zawahiri pops his head out of whatever hole he's crawled down. I also like to think the CIA wouldn't fire 10 missiles into a village on a "tip". There had to be somebody of some importance in one of the houses there.

The two Pakistani officials told The Associated Press on Saturday that the CIA had acted on incorrect information, and Ayman al-Zawahri was not in the village of Damadola when it came under attack.

Is our CIA in the habit of ordering airstrikes on bad information? Personally, I think somebody on a list somwhere just got blowed up real good.

Villagers in Damadola denied hosting al-Zawahri or any other al-Qaeda or Taliban figure, saying all the dead were local people. Earlier, a Pakistani intelligence official said the remains of some bodies had "quickly been removed" from Damadola after the strike and DNA tests were being conducted, but would not say by whom. He spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak to media.

The official added that hours before the strike some unidentified guests had arrived at the home of one tribesman named Shah Zaman.

Is having unidentified guests at your house in Pakistan justification for a bombardment of Hellfire missiles? Does Pakistan really think we're going to buy the idea our intelligence agencies are stupid enough to fire missiles at a housewarming party or whatever? All the silence by our agencies doesn't help matters.

Somebody confirm what really happened please. I was celebrating Zawahiri's death last night and now...well...I guess I'll get to celebrate it again someday.

Friday, January 13, 2006

This Just In: Ayman al-Zawahiri Dead?

Is it true? Is Al-Qaeda # 2 man Ayman al-Zawahiri gone? Has he gone to join the martyr farm? It might be so. Let us keep our fingers crossed that the MSM isn't wrong on this one.

Al-Qaeda's deputy leader Ayman al-Zawahiri may have been killed in a US strike on Friday on a Pakistani village which killed 18 people, according to US media reports.

I don't want to speculate on this but I promise you if it's true, I'll make fun of the bastard tomorrow or whenever it is confirmed.

Bush says gulf coast will come back

Why? Where'd it go?

Conceding "some rough spots" in the recovery from Hurricane Katrina's devastation along the gulf coast, President George W. Bush said Thursday that displaced victims will find relief in a region to be rebuilt better than before.

You mean without those poor, black neighborhoods? And calling the disaster of the disaster relief a "rough spot" is like calling WWII a party that got out of control. Somebody sure dropped the ball on that one. I went to New Orleans in March last year and my girlfriend and I had a great time. Sure was a nice city before it joined Atlantis.
You should fix it.

Bush complained in New Orleans that Congress hasn't funded nearly half the $3 billion he seeks for rebuilding levees.

Well damnit, who's in charge over there?

The government has committed $85 billion to recovery in the region, Bush said, with $25 billion spent.

So that leaves $60 billion, that should be enough to fix a city no? Maybe you guys shouldn't be playing politics until after you fix peoples homes that were destroyed because...well...you guys were playing politics. If I was living in New Orleans I'd be camping out on the White House lawn until my home was fixed.

Device Left in Starbucks Was Not Explosive

Good thing, for a second there I thought the terrorists had found American's true weakness. Coffee. BASTARDS!

What authorities thought was a bomb in a Starbucks coffee shop turned out to be a flashlight casing, police said.

Flashlight casing? How can you confuse a flashlight case with a bomb? Do many bombs have an on/off switch?

A forensic analysis "revealed the absence of any explosive material," a police statement said.

It wasn't one of those new explosive flashlights?

Police initially said the device found in the store's bathroom Monday was powerful enough to seriously injure or kill someone if it had exploded.

Are flashlights known to just explode cause if they are we should tell somebody.

A man arrested on suspicion of planting an explosive device, Ronald Schouten, was still being held Thursday on an unrelated burglary charge. But police said his explanation on how the flashlight ended up in the coffee shop was credible.
Schouten, 44, told KPIX-TV that he found the flashlight in the street and accidentally dropped it in the bathroom.

Sounds credible enough. Dropped it in the bathroom. Why did he have a flashlight in a Starbucks bathroom?

Democrats fail to pin Alito down in final questioning

Being nominated by the President to become a supreme court justice is like someone trading job security for a few days of physical and mental torture. The two parties in our government remind me of rival high schools.

Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee made their last efforts Thursday to pin down Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito on abortion, presidential power and even whether the Constitution bans immigrants such as Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger from the presidency.

Jeez, sounds like a mafia hearing. Could we please just get this over with. Everytime someone gets nominated its like throwing a T-Bone steak to a pack of wolves. We might as well build some sort of gaunlet with razor wire and deadly booby traps and have the nominee try to make it through the maze. If they succeed, then they've earned the right to impose their opinions on everyone in this country, if not, well, we can throw them to that pack of wolves I was just mentioning.

"The American people are going to be watching and listening ... and are going to make a judgment at the end of it about whether they think this person has been candid and committed and trustworthy to be promoted to the Supreme Court,'' Sen. Edward Kennedy said.

Honestly Teddy, the majority of the American public cares more about being able to afford the necessities day after day then when you people play court. Unless the nominee shows up to the hearing with a Nazi shirt, using racial slurs when referring to any group of people and has to leave the hearing early to catch the new Hope and Faith I'm fine with them. I more concerned with those people who want to kill me, remember them, the people on those other continents on earth.

Robertson apologizes for saying stroke was a divine punishment

Ever hear the saying "Don't bite the hand that feeds you"? Well it's a new one to Pat Robertson.

Pat Robertson, the Christian broadcaster, has sent a letter of apology for suggesting that Ariel Sharon's stroke was divine punishment for pulling Israel out of the Gaza Strip.

Robertson's comments drew condemnation from other Christian leaders, President Bush, and Israeli officials, who canceled plans to include the evangelist in the construction of a Christian tourist center in northern Israel.

When they're done waking Sharon up maybe some of those Israeli doctors should help surgically remove Robertson's foot from his mouth. Thinking before you speak has become a lost art. Just ask Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I have thousands of thoughts a day that I know better than to say publicy...hence...this blog.

''I ask your forgiveness and the forgiveness of the people of Israel," Robertson wrote.

Do you want forgiveness or the money you would have made if you hadn't opened your mouth? I'll always remember something my father told me as a boy. He said, "Son, it's better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." That is why I had nothing to say between the ages of 9 and seventeen.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

North Korean Leader's Whereabouts Unknown

Remember that secret visit to China N.Korean Leader Kim Jong Il took yesterday that was all over the news? Well it seems it was so secret they forgot to even tell him and now he's lost.

The whereabouts of North Korean leader Kim Jong Il remained unclear Thursday, with a Hong Kong-based television network speculating he may be headed for the south Chinese city of Guangzhou, while other reports put him in Beijing or Russia.

He's either in China or Russia. That leaves a small area to search.

Iran not afraid of uproar over nuclear moves: Ahmadinejad

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Wednesday that Iran would forge ahead with its nuclear programmes and was not afraid of the uproar it had caused in the West. 'The Iranian government and nation has no fear of the Western ballyhoo and will continue its nuclear programmes with decisiveness and wisdom,' Ahmadinejad said in a speech in Bandar Abbas in southern Iran.

Are you sure you're speaking for all of Iran? I mean, maybe YOU'RE not scared to get a bunkerbuster dropped on your head but I have a feeling some other members of the community might be a bit concerned. And what the fuck is ballyhoo? Who talks like that?

He said that the two-and-half-year suspension of the research programme by the previous government of President Mohammad Khatami was made with no rational reason.

I guess being bombed by about ten countries isn't a rational reason to an irrational person.

'The West should now act wisely and not do anything which they themselves would later regret,' Iranian ex-president Akbar Hashemi-Rafsanjani said.

What? You mean like allow Iran to go nuclear?