Sunday SIgn of Hope 4/30/06

Mexico May Allow Some Cocaine, Heroin Use

A Sign of Hope for those of us who sometimes need to alter reality because reality sucks...especially in Mexico.

From Chron.com:

Mexicans would be allowed to possess small amounts of cocaine, heroin, even ecstasy for their personal use under a bill approved by lawmakers that some worry could prove to be a lure to young Americans.

The bill now only needs President Vicente Fox's signature to become law and that does not appear to be an obstacle. His office said that decriminalizing drugs will free up police to focus on major dealers.

"This law gives police and prosecutors better legal tools to combat drug crimes that do so much damage to our youth and children," said Fox's spokesman, Ruben Aguilar.

The Senate approved the bill Friday in the final hours of its closing session. Mexico's lower house had already endorsed the legislation.

Man freed in murder dies short of dream

I'm doubtful for a happy ending of this article.

Dan Young Jr. spent more than a dozen years in Illinois prisons, convicted of a rape and murder he didn't commit.

That sucks!

He was freed 14 months ago, after DNA tests exonerated him, and moved in with his sister on Chicago's South Side. He had a dream of returning to the city of his birth, just outside the Mississippi Delta.

Well I hope he finds happiness.

He never returned. Young, 45, died early Thursday after he was struck by a hit-and-run driver around 9:30 p.m. Wednesday while walking near 59th Street and South Ashland Avenue.

You people remember this next time you complain your life isn't fair.

Al-Qaeda deputy praises Iraq suicide attacks

Anyone else find the irony in that the men who PRAISE suicide bombings are the ones who really, really should strap a bomb to their face?

Ayman al-Zawahiri, the al-Qa'eda deputy, has appeared in a new video saying that hundreds of suicide bombers had "broken America's back" during three years of war in Iraq.

What can be said of these peoples sense of self-worth. Hundreds of dead Muslims is worth the killings of a few western soldiers? And I'm sorry but nothing is quite as funny as a suicide bomber who manages to blow themselves up and hurt absolutely no one. I hear in paradise they get a broom and a mop.
And it takes more than that to break Americas back. Only Americans are capable of breaking Americas back and we're doing just fine without the fireworks.

In the video, which was posted on the internet today, the Egyptian militant calls for the overthrow of Pervez Musharraf, the Pakistani president, and calls him a "treacherous criminal".

Who's the one hiding in a cave?

"Al-Qaeda in Iraq alone has carried out 800 martyrdom operations in three years, besides the victories of the other mujahideen," Zawahiri said.

800 suicide bombers on the wall, 800 suicide bombers, if one of those bombers should happen to explode, somebody's got to clean the wall. If I could take a moment to address al-Qaeda...you're making a mess.

'Many drown' in Tanzania sinking

Holy shit Tanzania sank?

At least 27 people are feared to have drowned in Tanzania, when their boat capsized in a storm on Lake Victoria.

Ahh, a boat sank. That makes a little more sense. I'm curious though, how come there is a "Lake Victoria" in Tanzania? Sounds out of place. The British had something to do with this I just know it.

The ferry had set off last weekend from the town of Bukoba on the lake's western shore, heavily loaded with crates of beer and soft drinks.

I bet Lake Victoria tastes pretty bubbly right now.

Then the ferry just disappeared. Local police chief Ignas Mbinga said the news had only just been made public because the region was so remote. He said divers were searching the area, but they had yet to recover any bodies.

It's like a Lake Victoria triangle, like the Bermuda triangle, only smaller...and in Tanzania. Honestly, the boat probably sank. Someone got into that beer in storage.

Talk radio conquers White House podium

This is stupid.

Conservative talk radio has gone where it's never gone before -- to the briefing podium at the White House.
The appointment of Fox News Radio and cable television commentator Tony Snow on Wednesday as President George W. Bush's spokesman was widely interpreted as an attempt to repair the administration's strained relations with the press.

Okay all you Americans out there, we will now be getting our bad fucking news from a new mouth. Fucking great.

Calif. Woman Spanked at Work Sues for $1.2M

But your honor, she was very, very bad.

Lawyers for a woman who was spanked in front of her co-workers as part of what her employer said was a camaraderie-building exercise asked a jury Wednesday for at least $1.2 million for the humiliation she claimed to have suffered.

You know how many times my mother beat the shit out of me in public when I was a kid? She owes me billions.

Janet Orlando, 53, quit her job at the home security company Alarm One Inc. and sued, alleging discrimination, assault, battery and infliction of emotional distress.

Oh come on...you liked it.

Employees were paddled with rival companies' yard signs as part of a contest that pitted sales teams against each other, according to court documents. The winners poked fun at the losers, throwing pies at them, feeding them baby food, making them wear diapers and swatting their buttocks.

How does that teach camaraderie? Sounds more like a sexual fetish getaway gone way out of control. I hate my job enough already. If someone spanks me there I'm going to lose my fucking mind.

Al Qaeda's key organizer in Iraq sheds low profile

Damn, I was enjoying the quiet.

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the Al Qaeda mastermind accused of orchestrating dozens of bombings and beheadings in Iraq, sought yesterday in a rare videotaped message to portray himself as a leader of radical Islam's global struggle against the West.

Everybody's making videos these days. Anyone remember when wars and jihads weren't televised? Those were the good old days. Jihadists may hate our foreign policies but they sure do love our technology.

While restating his allegiance to Osama bin Laden, Zarqawi appeared to go out of his way to look the part of an influential holy warrior on a par with Al Qaeda's chieftain, sitting cross-legged and bin Laden-like before a circle of his followers, with an AK-47 by his side and wearing what looked like a suicide bomb vest.

Mimicry is the ultimate form of flattary. Hopefully the two will get into some sort of east coast/ west coast rap battle and shoot each other. That'd be nice.

Sri Lanka on brink of civil war

They're just trying to be like Iraq.

A woman disguised to look pregnant set off a suicide bomb in a military headquarters that killed at least eight people and badly wounded many others, including the country's highest-ranking general.

That just reinforces my distrust for pregnant women. (It's a personal problem)

In retaliation, the military launched air and artillery strikes against Tamil rebel targets in Trincomalee, northeast of the capital Colombo. There was no word on casualties.

And so goes the circle of life. Suicide bomb, airstrike, suicide bomb, airstrike. It's what makes the world go down.

Airbus pitching standing-room-only option to airlines

Just what we need to make flying more comfy. To stand up the whole fucking time.

Airbus has been quietly pitching the standing-room-only option to Asian carriers, though none have agreed to it yet. Passengers in the standing section would be propped against a padded backboard, held in place with a harness, according to experts who have seen a proposal.

Why not just tie us together in half a dozen bunches and place us in metal containers? Or I bet you can squeeze a few dozen of us in the cargo hold. It'll be like Tetris.

Fucking airlines are nuts.

Analyst says bin Laden 'desperate'

For what?

To revive their flagging movement, al-Qaeda decided to take its fight to the West, "the far enemy", but this caused a rift with other militant movements who feared US military power would ultimately destroy them.

In a perfect world it wouldn't be military power that ended militancy but the people rising up in one voice and condemning violence in the name of politics or religion. Of course, for that to happen, things have to made of marshmellows and fairies would have to exist cause that's a fantasy. This worlds way too far gone at this point. And I'm being optimistic.

Hunt for clues after Egypt blasts

Isn't Egypt an Islamic country? And there was a terror attack there yesterday? So who's REALLY at war with Islam?

Authorities in Egypt are probing a triple bombing that has killed at least 23 people, mainly Egyptians, in the Red Sea resort of Dahab.

Al-Qaeda's one big PR nightmare aren't they?

Three foreigners were among those killed, officials said, and some 62 people were injured in the blasts.

Can't wait to hear the justification of the twenty dead Egyptians in order to kill those three foreigners, that is, if those three foreigners were westerners.

Bin Laden Accuses U.S. of 'War on Islam'

Yeah...but you started it.

Osama bin Laden issued new threats in an audiotape broadcast on Arab television Sunday and accused the United States and Europe of supporting a "Zionist" war on Islam by cutting off funds to the Hamas-led Palestinian government.

Alright, well, I don't fully agree with cutting off funds to Hamas considering it's a bit hypocritical since they were elected through the democratic process and we seem to be so damn big about pushing the democratic process. I'm also a firm believer that the entire world should kind of ignore the middle east until they go away so it's sort of a catch 22. My solution? Don't have one.

He also urged followers to go to Sudan, his former base, to fight a proposed U.N. peacekeeping force.

Spreading them a bit thin there Laden.

His words, the first new message by the al-Qaida leader in three months, seemed designed to justify potential attacks on civilians - something al-Qaida has been criticized for even by its Arab supporters.

Yeah, civilians can be a bit critical at times. They get all up in arms when you blow them up.

Sunday Sign of Hope 4/23/06

Prince Harry, now in army, insists on front-line mission

Kid got some balls. Good for him.

From Khaleej Times:

Prince Harry is threatening to quit the British army if he is not allowed to join fellow soldiers in harm’s way, the Mail on Sunday newspaper reported.

“If I am not allowed to join my unit in a war zone, I will hand in my uniform,” he was quoted as telling senior officers before his passing-out from Sandhurst military academy, southwest of London, on April 12.
Harry, 21, third in line to the throne now occupied by his grandmother Queen Elizabeth, who turned 80 on Friday, will now join the Blues and Royals of the Household Cavalry regiment, serving in an armoured reconnaissance unit.

As 2nd Lieutenant Harry Wales, he is to become a troop commander, in charge of 11 enlisted men and four light tanks -- a task that could see him sent to Iraq or Afghanistan in the coming year.

The Mail on Sunday, quoting senior army sources, said there is concern in the Ministry of Defence that Harry could become a “trophy target” for insurgents -- endangering not only him, but also the troops at his side.
“He will go bananas if he is given special treatment,” an unnamed source close to the prince was quoted as saying. “He doesn’t want to let the rest of the lads and lasses down by opting out.”

America bars Iraqi immigrant who played hijacker in September 11 film

Welcome to America!

When Lewis Alsamari fled Iraq more than 10 years ago, he cannot have imagined that a terrorist atrocity would indirectly offer him the biggest break of his career.

This article has already pissed me off.

Granted asylum in Britain, he took up acting and eventually landed a leading role in a film recreating the fate of Flight 93 on 11 September, 2001.

A part he was born to play. Sorry, was that over the top?

But when United 93 opens at the Tribeca Film Festival in New York next week, the 30-year-old Iraqi is unlikely to be walking the red carpet with his co-stars because of visa problems.

And that proves it. We are a country who is unable to decipher television from reality.

Supermodel arrested for allegedly hitting flight attendant

What is this? Attack of the supermodels year?

Danish supermodel May Andersen has been arrested for hitting a flight attendant on a flight from Amsterdam to Miami, police said.

Guess she didn't want the free peanuts.

The 23-year-old bombshell was aboard Martinair Flight 643 on Thursday. She was ''loud and disruptive all throughout the flight,'' according to a Miami-Dade police spokeswoman.

This is what happens when people make a living for being pretty. Their personalities take a fucking nose dive.

She has been charged with simple battery, resisting arrest without violence and disorderly intoxication.

Resisitng arrest without violence? How do you do that?

Did Cheney Fall Asleep During Hu Visit?

Way to go Mr. Vice President. First time Hu visits the White House and you can't even stay awake for it? Asshole.

Vice President Dick Cheney says he was looking at his notes, not sleeping, during a briefing by President Bush and Chinese President Hu Jintao in Hu's first Oval Office visit.

In all fairness, his notes where written on the inside of his eyelids. You know, just a fun fact here, at my office, if you're caught sleeping, you're immediately terminated. And by terminated I mean they take you out back and put you down.

CIA worker dismissed over leaks

Sounds like someone needs a diaper wrapped around their face.

The CIA has sacked an employee for leaking secret information to the media, an agency official said.

Man, even our spies are publicity hounds.

Several US media outlets named her as Mary McCarthy, an intelligence analyst who served as a special assistant to Bill Clinton and George W Bush.

Mary's got a big mouth. Wonder what a special assistant does?

The CIA refused to confirm any names, but said a worker had admitted to "the unauthorized sharing of classified information" with the media.

If you can't trust the CIA who can you trust?

Iraqis may finally get a new government

Took long enough...geesh. Listen Iraqis, when choosing a government you can't be thinking it through, weighing the options and everything. You just got to do it, on a whim. Trust me, I'm American.

Iraqi leaders on Friday ended a months-long impasse in forming a new government and agreed on a new candidate for prime minister, an inexperienced Shiite Muslim known for his harsh criticism of rival Sunni Arabs.

My crystal ball tells me this will not go over well. And the magic 8-Ball says "Outlook not so good"

The potential end of political paralysis was a small step for a nation that some believe already has descended into civil war and a government that remains divided along ethnic and religious lines.

One small step for the Iraqis, another giant leap into chaos.

Nepalese Police Keep Protesters from Royal Palace with Tear Gas

What better way to lead a nation then to blind its people?

Nepali police fired tear-gas Saturday to stop pro-democracy demonstrators from pushing through a security cordon near the royal palace.

Has history taught us all nothing? You have to give the people what they want. You can only oppress people for two-three centuries tops and after that, they get upset. Then, after another century or so, they get angry. Then, after four or five decades of anger they do something about it. The clocks ticking Nepal.

The protesters, marching for the 17th straight day, defied a curfew and shoot-on-sight orders issued to police.

Honestly, the shoot-on-sight policy would make me put my sign down and go home. The curfew doesn't bother me.

This was the first time they reached the center of the capital.

I'm guessing soon to be the last as well.

As they marched, leaders of an alliance of political parties formally rejected an offer by King Gyanendra to allow the formation of an interim government. Opposition politician Minendra Rijal says this was done partly to prevent violence.

Can't have that now, prevention of violence. What would Earth be without massive acts of violence. Why, that would be paradise and we can't have that happening.

Massive earthquake hits eastern Russia

I'm telling you people, the earth hates us.

A major earthquake hit a distant, sparsely-populated region of Russia’s Far East early today, causing unknown damage and casualties.

I question the timing of news releases at times. Why not release the headline when you fucking know something.

The US Geologic Survey and Japan’s Meteorological Agency estimated the temblor to be about 7.7-magnitude.

Umm...wow?

There were reports of damage in some villages of the Pacific region and that emergency staff were flying by helicopter to several locations. Government emergency officials in Moscow said they had no information about the quake.

At least everyone is working together. I'll check back in on this story tomorrow, maybe by then someone will know something.

Chinese man admits plot to import missiles to US

I'm not a lawyer but that sounds like it might be illegal.

A Chinese national living in Southern California admitted on Wednesday trying to arrange the sale from China to the United States of 200 shoulder-fired missiles that can be used to bring down airplanes.

In all fairness they were just for a New Years celebration to ring in the Year of the Asshole.

Chao Tung Wu, 51, pleaded guilty in Los Angeles federal court to conspiring to import the missiles for a buyer who turned out to be an undercover FBI agent.

What would an undercover FBI agent want with shoulder-fired missiles? Oh I see, it was a set-up. Clever. So, does the FBI make a habit of asking random people if they could smuggle shoulder-fired missiles into the country?

US and Iran on collision course

We're always on a collision course with someone. We're the world wide drama queen.

The drumbeat of war surrounding Iran's nuclear program is growing louder.

Make it sound all dramatic, see what I mean?

There are signs confrontation could turn to conflict in the mix of menacing rhetoric emerging from Iran and growing reports the U.S. military has begun reviewing plans for attacking Iran's nuclear facilities.

Hold on, did I accidentally jump out of bed, wipe my eyes and transport myself back in time about a year? Haven't we known this for awhile now? I thought this headline was offering something different but no. Must be a slow news day.

LA Woman Hospitalized With Bubonic Plague

And just when you think it can't get any worse out there, we get the plague.

A woman was hospitalized earlier this month with bubonic plague, the first confirmed human case in Los Angeles County in more than two decades, health officials said Tuesday.

Sure why not. Everyone was worried about the fucking bird flu and BAM, the plague made a comeback.

The woman, who was not identified, was admitted April 13 with a fever, swollen lymph nodes and other symptoms. A blood test confirmed she had contracted the bacterial disease. The woman was placed on antibiotics and is in stable condition, officials said.

With my luck lately I'm just surprised this didn't happen to me.

China Using Artificial Rain to Clear Dust

I've seen thousands of movies in which mankind attempts to control the weather and unless television has been lying to me all these years, most of us will be dead within a week and the survivors will battle forces of nature beyond our comprehension. I'm stocking up on bottled water.

Beijing will use artificial rainmaking to clear the air after a choking dust storm coated China's capital and beyond with yellow grit, prompting a health warning to keep children indoors, state media said Tuesday.

Wouldn't it be ironic if the artificil rain cause a pretend flash flood?

The huge storm blew dust far beyond China's borders, blanketing South Korea and reaching Tokyo.
We've destroyed our planet. I'm calling out from work today.

The storm, reportedly the worst in at least five years, hit Beijing overnight Sunday, turning the sky yellow and forcing residents to dust off and hose down cars and buildings.

On the positive side though the dust angels, dustmen with carrot noses and corncob pipes and the dustball fights were plenty.

Cruise claims "I'll eat placenta"

You have lost your fucking mind.

Tom Cruise has claimed he will eat the PLACENTA after fiancée Katie Holmes has their baby.

Of course, why not? Nothing brings a family closer than devouring the afterbirth like so sort of crazed zombie bastard.

The actor, 43 — who wants her to give birth in silence according to his Scientology cult rules — said: “I’m gonna eat the placenta, too.

Scientology may just be my new favorite crazy fucking religion. Why is it only Muslims who blow themselves up? Cruise here should really consider strapping on some ball bearings. I'll gladly sacrifice myself to save this planet from anymore insanity out of this moron.

“I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I’m going to eat the cord and the placenta right there.”

For fucks sake psycho have an apple.

But when a GQ magazine interviewer said it would be a big meal, Cruise replied: “OK, maybe I won’t.”

You know, if you read my profile you'll see that I've been institutionalized five times in my life. It things like this that make me want to sue the state. How come Tom Cruise can take crazy to a level never achieved before But I can't?

Gay parents quietly crash White House Easter party

I hear they're attracted to pretty painted things.
US President George W. Bush and his wife Laura launched the annual White House Easter egg party while managing to avoid any awkward moments with dozens of gay couples and their children who attended the outdoor event.

"Aren't you the guy trying to make it illegal for me to marry my lover of over twenty years?"
" Umm...yeah...chocolate?"
AWKWARD!

The Easter Egg Roll is a traditional all-American event held on the White House lawn each year since 1878, where kids push an egg with a giant wooden spoon, often with the proud president and his wife looking on.

And this symbolizes America's policy of...hitting things with spoons. It's a little-known tradition here in the States. We're spoon crazy.

The gay parents also chose a discreet approach without any explicit protest, identifying themselves with rainbow-coloured flowers.

Yeah, when you're two men carrying around a five-year-old, you don't need the rainbow flowers. Most of us could have figured it out.

Japanese WWII soldier found alive

His flanking maneuver took about sixty years. Going to have to work on that soldier.

A Japanese ex-soldier who disappeared after World War II and was officially declared dead in 2000 has turned up alive in Ukraine, officials say.

Living in the Ukraine and being dead is basically the same thing. Or so I hear.

Ishinosuke Uwano was serving with the Japanese Imperial Army in Russia's Sakhalin Island when the war ended. He lost contact with his family in 1958.

He wasn't lost, he escaped. No one stays missing THAT long without wanting to stay lost.

The 83-year-old has now reappeared, in Ukraine, where he is married and has a family, Japanese officials say.

That's why he disappeared. He fell in love. This is a love story. Warms the heart.

Moussaoui's Sisters Defend `Sweetheart'

Ever hear the saying "Beauty's in the eye of the beholder"? Yeah, well, crazy isn't. Wake up ladies, you're brother is a fucking lunatic.

Zacarias Moussaoui's two sisters told his jury Monday how their baby brother tried to escape the family's poverty and abuse but instead fell under the spell of Muslim extremists who turned a hopeful young man into one filled with hate.

Yes, the religious fanatics have a strong effect on the weak-minded.

The videotaped testimony of his sisters, both of whom are mentally ill, was recorded last year.

Umm...guess crazy runs in the family. Did his sisters plan to slam a jetliner into the White House too cause that would weird?

They were questioned at their quarters in separate institutions in France, only after it was certified that they had been taking medication to ward off schizophrenia.

There is nothing more exciting than a schizophrenic testimony.
" Your honor, I was walking through the purple talking flowers when God told me that my brother wasn't crazy, he was simply reacting the a malfunctioning microchip in his molar that the government implanted to measure how hard he's thinking."

Sand storm, pollution envelop Beijing

It's comforting to know we're not the only country that's fucking up our enviroment...of course the Chinese do it cheaper and better.

A sand storm struck the Chinese capital on Monday, covering homes, streets and cars in brown dust and leaving the skies a murky yellow as it suffers its worst pollution in years ahead of the 2008 Summer Olympics.

I'm a little confused as to the connection to a sand storm and pollution. If sand is pollution then why the fuck did my parents let me build castles out of it?

Desertification of the country's west and Mongolian steppes has made the spring sand storms worse in recent years, reaching as far away as South Korea and Japan.

Huh? Well, I guess that proves that old Chinese proverb, April comes in like a lion and goes out like a sandy whirlwind that can scrape the flesh off your face.

Neil Young plans Entire Album on Bush and Iraq War

Oh good...cause we don't hear enough about that.

He is country rock's biggest icon, and he is angry. Recorded in secret, his forthcoming album savages the war in Iraq. One track says it all: 'Impeach the President'.

Not only should we impeach the President, we should also stone country singers who are trying to make a quick buck off the unpopular commander-in-chief. Shut up Neil, no one needs your two cents. There's enough criticism already, I don't need some I can dance to.

Sunday Sign of Hope 4/16/06

Zimbabwe Red Cross scores a first on AIDS treatment preparedness

Oh, and Happy Easter as well.

From Reuters:

The long wait is now over following the graduation of 22 Red Cross HIV and AIDS care facilitators and 11 trainers who attended a three week training programme on HIV and AIDS prevention, care, treatment and support tool kit. The tool kit which is the first of its own kind in the world, gives guidance in the provision of information to community based volunteers on antiretroviral therapy and adherence to treatment.

“This took kit gives comprehensive information on HIV and AIDS and the use of treatment in the community,” says Patrick Couteau, the Federation’s ART resource mobilization delegate for east and southern Africa.

The tool kit is made up of eight modules and provides a wide spectrum of HIV and AIDS information which covers topics on basic HIV and AIDS, treatment literacy, adherence, palliative care, care for carers, treatment preparedness, counseling, nutrition and positive living

US army buying back stolen data

Yet another headline that makes my country look like an asshole. Boy am I sure glad I woke up this morning.

The US army has paid thousands of dollars to buy back portable computer drives containing sensitive data, including names of spies, that were stolen from one of its bases in Afghanistan.

This sure should make all those spies in Afghanistan feel rather safe about helping us in the fight against terror.

A probe has been launched to find out how security was breached at the heavily guarded Bagram base, which co-ordinates the fight against the Taliban and al-Qaeda and hosts one the US army's main detention facilities.

I'm guessing it has something to do about the unquenchable greed our American culture has embraced so tightly.

Shopkeepers said the flash drives were stolen by some of the 2,000 Afghans employed as cleaners, office staff and labourers at Bagram.

Ah, using poor Afghanis as cleaning staff at a heavily guarded US base where we store sensitive security intelligence. I guess there ARE some jobs Americans just won't do.

Although workers are searched going in and out of the base, the drives are the size of a finger and can easily be concealed on a body.

Technology gets smaller and therefore easier to conceal in the rectum. I feel sorry for those thieves twenty years ago who had to hide those incredible large computer drives in their asses.

NYC Cat Finally Rescued After 14 Days

For those of you in parts of the world that like to have their news focus on actual world events that matter, let me give you a little background here. For the last two weeks, we here on the east coast of the United States have had a story about a little kitten stuck in a wall pounded into our heads. In fact, just to let us know that rescuers finally managed to grab the kitten and pull it to freedom, they interupted the normal scehduled programs on many TV stations. You know, cause it's important.

After 14 days trapped in the innards of a Greenwich Village, NY building, Molly the cat finally emerged wearing a look on her face that said, "What's all the fuss about?"

How cute. I'm such an animal lover, I am, but I have to question the round-the-clock coverage of this story. Iran is producing nuclear weapons, al-Qaeda remains a threat to the entire world, the Iraqi war has been going downhill like a unsupervised toddler in a shopping cart on a hilltop Toys-R-Us and we've concerned ourselves with Molly the Cat.

As a crowd of reporters and onlookers jostled for a glance, the 11-month-old black cat appeared docile and unscathed despite her ordeal, which came to a happy end on Friday after a volunteer pulled her to safety from a crawl space.

I feel better. Hey, did we catch Osama bin Laden yet?

Briton's Walk May End at 17,000 Miles

I'm guessing he finally got where he was going.

A British adventurer's attempt to walk around the world was in jeopardy Friday after a Russian court ordered him deported for entering the country illegally.

Well, at least it spared him the humiliation of realizing that the earth is concocted mostly of large bodies of water we like to call oceans. This "oceans" I speak of, cannot be walked upon. That leads us into tomorrows lesson called "drowning".

Russian officials told Karl Bushby he would not be permitted to return for at least another five years, a development that would end his quest, Bushby's father, Keith, told The Associated Press.

Go around.

Keith Bushby said his son, who wants to be the first person to walk around the world _ from South America to Alaska into Russia and then Europe _ would appeal.

Sometimes I get the feeling that some of the people on this planet have way too much time on their hands.

Comedy Central censors `South Park`

Out of every little fucked up thing going on in the world these days, every single twisted and horrific act, every tiny gut-wrenching, vomit-inducing tear-jerking moronic sign of hopelessness, this one, this little moment of censorship, pissed me off and broke me down the most.

South Park may have just been named winner of a Peabody Award, but that did not stop the Comedy Central censors from pulling a controversial scene.

Wow, must have been pretty fucking tasteless to censor South Park. They had an episode in which Santa Claus and Jesus kill Iraqi soldiers. What could be off limits?

Instead of the planned image of Mohammed during Wednesday night`s episode, viewers saw a title card that said: 'Comedy Central has refused to broadcast an image of Mohammed on their network,' E! Online reported. The network did, however, allow the images of President George W. Bush, Jesus and the U.S. flag being covered in a bowel movement.

Let's recap that. Muhammed = no, President Bush and Jesus Christ shitting on an American flag and each other = yes. Terrorism wins. Good show al-Qaeda. You have defeated our first ammendment, the foundation of the American nation.

A source said Comedy Central decided to nix the frame out of concerns for public safety.

So we don't show Muhammed cartoons out of concern for terrorist reprisals but Jesus taking a shit is ok? Are we showing Islamic fanatics compassion or teaching Christian fundalmentalists the power of violence in the name of God? Shame on you Comedy Central. Shame for your hypocracy and your lack of resolve to the nation that watches your show. Even though I enjoy South Park, my viewership days of the show are now over.

Our right to free speech should not be censored by a network that allows cursing at night, images of Jesus shitting on a US Flag and millions of other images and sentences that could be themed tasteless by anyone who sold their sense of humor. Apparently the only thing off limits is Muhammed.

Hey Islam, fuck your prophet and your religion. Why do I say that? Not only because your religion resorts to violence at all times of confrontation but because, well, it's my right as an American and a human being possessing the capability of independant thought. And fuck you Comedy Central for your lack of humor. Ironic.

Florida councilman won't swear support for US

Then you can't work for the American government. What are you an asshole?

A newly elected councilman, Basil Dalack, 76, in a tiny Florida village has refused to take an oath of office pledging support for the U.S. government because he adamantly opposes the war in Iraq.

You know, America is made up of more than just a war in Iraq. There are other policies. You don't have to agree with the war in Iraq, but if you live here, and you want to work for this country's government, take the oath dickhead.

Moussaoui proudly shows no remorse

Ten bucks says he cries like a baby when they stick him with the needle. Hell, it's easy to die for a cause when you get hit in the face with a missile. Let him sit in a cell and ponder the fact he's going to die for a few years. And film it.

Zacarias Moussaoui proudly reaffirmed his involvement in the Sept. 11 terrorist plot Thursday and said his only regret was that more Americans didn't die.

Or maybe he wants to die. Maybe he wants to be a martyr. So maybe life in prison would be a more suitable punishment. There's only one solution to this. Let's cripple him.

List of Defense secretary's critics gets longer

It would really make me nervous if Rumsfeld was keeping a list.

A sixth former general joined the criticism of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld on Thursday, saying Rumsfeld should resign for mishandling the war in Iraq.

And so turns our finger-pointing world. Instead of placing blame they should be trying to fix it.

"We need a new secretary of Defense," retired major general Charles Swannack, former commander of the Army's 82nd Airborne Division, said on CNN. He said Rumsfeld had micromanaged the war.

What's that going to do? That's like buying a new car cause your job sucks. You have to fix the job. You have to fix Iraq. How? I don't fucking know, I'm not a retired Major General. I didn't even go to college. Maybe if we ask really really nicely for them to stop bombing themselves.

Retired major general John Batiste, who commanded the Army's 1st Infantry Division in Iraq in 2003 and 2004 agreed. He told USA TODAY on Thursday that Rumsfeld should step down because he ignored sound military advice about how to secure Iraq after Baghdad fell.

Whatever happened to the strong silent type? Do I think Runsfeld should be put on blast for fucking up in Iraq if he ignored military advice for commanders on the ground in Iraq? Absolutely. But why is this stuff all over the news? In a time of war wouldn't it be a bit better to show unity? We embarass ourselves. The al-Qaeda terror network operatives are hiding in caves and they have more unity than we do. Shame on you America.

Tiger Woods Criticized for using the 'S-word'

Oh no, Tiger Woods said shit, what is this world coming to? You know, when I was in 1st grade, my fucking teacher called me an asshole. Just, put that in perspective.

Golfer Tiger Woods has been criticised for saying he played like 'a spaz'. Can using the word ever be right?

Wait a second...spaz? He said spaz? That's the S-Word now? What the fuck is that shit about? Have you all lost your fucking minds. What's he supposed to say?
"I'm playing like I've been stricken with down syndrome."

So what did Tiger Woods mean when he said: "I was so in control from tee to green, the best I've played for years... But as soon as I got on the green I was a spaz."

He meant he played like a retard. Like someone who had no control over there bodily functions. Like he was spazzing out. See the story below on Google and censorship and try to figure this fucking country out. Until then I'll be hiding under my bed and crying cause you people fucking frighten me.

Google defends censorship practices in China, praises Beijing

Google is a corporation. You can't expect them to have ethics and morals. Say this with me. Corporations are evil. They want money. They don't care who they have to crush or kill or oppress to get little green pieces of paper. Money is power. So if Google needs to censor their searches for their Chinese edition in order to make a few more million, they will, cause there's no soul involved in this transaction.

Google defended its much criticized censorship policy for China, insisting it must follow local laws, as it launched its new brand for the lucrative Internet market.

Personally, I don't care if Google censors its searches in China. I can still get those porn sites right? Good.

"We simply don't have a choice but to follow the law," chief executive officer Eric Schmidt told reporters at a launch ceremony in Beijing for the US Internet giant's new Chinese name, which translates to "Gu Ge."

When did corporations start following laws? Maybe this is a good thing though. Think about it. Corporations destroy countries. We get enough powerful corporations into China and before you know it, BAM, Chinese Idol, pizza delivery and pornography galore over there in the land of one big fucking wall.
The Silicon Valley company, whose rise as a global Internet giant was accompanied by the motto: 'Do no evil', joined the likes of Yahoo and Microsoft in bowing to China's censorship demands.

So when did censorship become evil? What do we have the FCC for then?

Chinese President Hu to face protests as he meets Bush

Welcome to America. Apparently none of us have jobs and plenty of free time to fill our days with walking in circles with a sign.

Chinese President Hu Jintao will face hundreds of protestors when he makes his first visit to the White House next week, organizers said.

First visits are always the most important. We should make a good impression. Maybe Bush shouldn't be there then.

"We have obtained a permit from the authorities to hold the protests," said Gerrit van der Wees, spokesman for the Formosan Association for Public Affairs (FAPA), Taiwan's main lobby group in the United States.

Have a good time with your protest. I'll be sleeping in. I don't understand protesting myself. I don't get the point. Your voice isn't really heard, except by those unlucky enough to be watching the news when they pan the crowd with the camera during one of the stories they do to fill in the half hour they're on. Doesn't change anything. You know what changes things? Violence. Now, I'm not advocating a violent revolution, hell, I'm way too lazy for that. I'm just saying that governments don't hear the people until their heads are under the guillotine. Then they're all ears.

Co-sponsored by 17 Taiwanese-American groups, the rally would comprise, among others, practitioners of the China-banned Falun Gong spiritual sect and members of the Uighur American Association and Students for a Free Tibet.

I don't know what any of that means but I do feel kind of nice that our President isn't the only President that gets protested against.

Iran Hits Milestone in Nuclear Technology

Anyone else hear a clock ticking? I hope that clock isn't the countdown to doomsday and more of a nervous tick I might have developed by doing this news shit everyday for the last five months.
Iran has successfully enriched uranium for the first time, a landmark in its quest to develop nuclear fuel, hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Tuesday.

Translation: If you're going to bomb us, now is probably the time to do so.

He insisted, however, that his country does not aim to develop nuclear weapons.

But if it happens by accident well...oops.

In a nationally televised speech, Ahmadinejad called on the West "not to cause an everlasting hatred in the hearts of Iranians" by trying to force Iran to abandon uranium enrichment.

Wow, doesn't take much to cause everlasting hatred in the hearts of Iranians then does it?
"At this historic moment, with the blessings of God almighty and the efforts made by our scientists, I declare here that the laboratory- scale nuclear fuel cycle has been completed and young scientists produced enriched uranium needed to the degree for nuclear power plants Sunday," Ahmadinejad said.

However, after that opening speech, Ahmadinejad lost his notecards and proceeded to babble on about a fat orange cat who loves lasagna, hates Monday's and boy, is just so damn lazy it cracks him up everyday. He ended the speech by proclaiming himself the neatest man in the history of the world and passed a law instating a Ahmadinejad-signal that the people of Iran can shine into the sky in order to call upon him.

Mafia 'boss of bosses' captured after 43 years

After 43 years does anyone remember why we wanted him arrested in the first place?

Bernardo Provenzano, the "boss of bosses" of the Sicilian Mafia, was arrested yesterday in the most emphatic strike against Italian organised crime since the capture of one of his infamous predecessors 13 years ago.

So there is a 13 year pause between emphatic strikes against the Sicilian Mafia. Pardon me while I do some back flips.

Mr Provenzano, 73, was Italy's most wanted man, having racked up several life prison sentences in absentia for murder. He had been on the run since 1963.

You may be able to run from justice, you may be able to hide from justice but eventually, one day, justice catches up to you. Of course, by that time you're so old and senile you shouldn't be standing trial considering you're more likely to mistake the proceedings for an audition for a Broadway musical than to comprehend with the prosecution is talking about.

He was arrested in the countryside near the western Sicilian town of Corleone, immortalised in the Godfather films.

So a Mafia don hid out in a town made famous by a movie about a famous Mafia don and you couldn't find him for 43 years? I guess I understand considering the itimidating size of the small island of Sicily. I have a feeling someone is trained in the ancient art of hide and seek.

Israeli military stands by its policy on shelling populated areas

Maybe that's a policy that needs to be revisited.

The Israeli military said Tuesday that it stood by its new policy of firing artillery shells into populated Palestinian areas in an effort to stop rocket fire at Israel, even after a round killed an eight-year-old Palestinian girl.

And the world keeps turning, the bombs keep exploding, the guns keep firing. Now I know why the ozone is leaving.

"There has been no change in policy," an Israeli military spokesman said, speaking on customary condition of anonymity. "We will continue to fight them (the rocket launchers) intensely, while trying to avoid hurting innocent civilians." Hadil Ghraben was killed and 13 other people were wounded when two shells blew huge holes in a concrete block house in Beit Lahiya in the northern Gaza Strip on Monday afternoon.

Sometimes I get the feeling that Israel gave the Palestinians the Gaza strip back so they'd be closer and easier to target. This is not a video game. Firing a shell into an eight-year-olds stroller doesn't end terrorism. Actually, that would be the very definition.
And I understand that Palestinian's kill innocent Israelis when they turn themselves into firecrackers but when the return fire or pre-emptive strikes kill children, you're only winding the watch for another cycle. Someone is going to have to quit the violence...or probably not.

Italian vote heads for stalemate

Oh goody, more drama.

Uncertainty was looming in Italy after neck-and-neck election results looked set to stall the formation of a new parliament even as opposition leader Romano Prodi made a disputed claim of victory over Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.

Wait a minute...this has all happened before. I can't remember where. A too-close-to-call election, premature claims of victory, I can't shake the feeling I've been there before. Now if I could only remember how that turned out.

Near-final returns Tuesday put Prodi's center-left coalition narrowly ahead of Berlusconi, but the result appeared to hinge on ballots cast by Italians living abroad.

Too close to call. There was an American election very, very similiar to this but I can't seem to remember who was involved...

However, with no clear majority and a yawning divide between parliament's two coalitions, it may fall to Italy's president to form a caretaker government of with the prospect of calling another election.

Oh my God...I remember how the too-close-to-call election came out for us here in America. Run Italian people...RUN!!!

Saudis plan to fence off border with chaos

The dirt is always browner on the other side of the fence.

Saudi Arabia has invited bids for the construction of a security fence along the entire length of its 900km (560mile) desert border with Iraq in a multimillion-pound project that will attract interest from British defence companies.

What is with this planet's obssession with fences? Everytime a country has a problem with another country they talk about building a fence. Fences fix everything. They're the universal problem-solver. Remember the Great Wall of China? That was the mother of all "fences". Interesting thought.

The barrier is part of a package to secure the Kingdom’s 6,500km of borders in an attempt to improve internal security and bolster its defences against external threats.

Too bad the force of gravity on earth doesn't condemn us human beings to a life pinned to the soil. Ever since we developed the ability to remove our feet from the ground, we've been able to climb over fences.

Saudi Arabia is concerned that the chaos in Iraq could cause an overspill of sectarian violence and terrorism. The kingdom claims to be winning the battle against al-Qaeda’s Saudi wing but wants to protect itself against Saudi insurgents returning from Iraq.

I wish I could have been there for that discussion.

"Sir, we've been able to infiltrate the Saudi wing of the al-Qaeda terror organization, arrest and kill its leaders and members and destroy their ability to launch terror attacks within our beloved kingdom."

"Excellent."

"But we must do something to protect ourselves from terrorists returning from Jihad in Iraq."

"hmm...any suggestions."

Few moments of silence. "Sir...how about a fence?"

"Brillant Ahmad!! A fence! It's perfect. That ought to keep the bombs at bay."

30 Killed in Stampede in Pakistan

Ever notice that every Muslim rally in the middle east ends with a stampede much like American rock concerts?

At least 30 people were killed in a stampede at the end of a religious congregation for women in the southern port city of Karachi, the police and hospital officials said Sunday. Scores of women and children were also injured.

Showing how much you love your God by using other human beings as stepping stones is a time tested tradition. It says, "God, I love you so much I am willing to snap another persons neck with my sandal". And God saw this and was pleased.

About 10,000 women had gathered at an Islamic center, Faizan-e-Madina, in the Sabzi Mandi neighborhood of Karachi, Pakistan's largest city, to mark the birthday of the Prophet Muhammad, which will be celebrated Tuesday.

Well, we all know whenever women gather in big numbers...they stampede.

Witnesses said the stampede began as the vast gathering was breaking up about 4:45 p.m. Initially, rumors that a bomb had caused the stampede raised fears of a terrorist attack, but the police quickly discounted that possibility.

Alright, I'll bite, what caused the stampede if it wasn't the threat of a bomb, free veils down at Ahmed's WalMart?

Instead, reports in the Pakistani news media said a girl had fallen, and waves of people were blocked when she was being helped.

No time for that! Crush em!!

Sunday Sign of Hope 4/9/06

Congresswoman apologizes for striking officer

The first step is admitting you were wrong. The second is making sure you don't do anything as stupid as opening your mouth again.

From The Boston Globe:

Representative Cynthia McKinney, long a lightning rod for Republican attacks, yielded to pressure from her party's colleagues yesterday and apologized to the House for her role in an altercation with a Capitol Police officer.

Flanked by several fellow members of the Congressional Black Caucus and a few white colleagues in the House chamber, McKinney, Democrat of Georgia, tried to put the March 29 episode behind her even as a grand jury began reviewing allegations that she hit the officer in the chest with her cellphone. She said she wanted to ''express again my sincere regret. . . . There should not have been any physical contact. . . . I am sorry that this misunderstanding happened at all, and I regret its escalation, and I apologize."

The incident has put McKinney, 51, a six-term member of Congress, into familiar territory: the middle of controversy. Outspoken, with a style described as either fearless or in-your-face, McKinney has a turbulent history. In 2002, for example, she declared that President Bush had advance knowledge of the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks but did nothing to prevent them. She also wrote in 2000 that Democratic presidential nominee Al Gore's ''Negro tolerance level has never been high."

Seventh planet has a blue ring

So does my toilet.

Astronomers have discovered that the planet Uranus has a blue ring - only the second found in the Solar System.

Uranus has a blue ring. There's something I never thought I'd say. Not only did I just bring you news, but I made fun of your ass at the same time. ZING!

Like the blue ring of Saturn, it probably owes its existence to an accompanying small moon.

That's no moon, that's a space station. Sorry.

Scientists suspect subtle forces acting on dust in the rings allow smaller particles to persist while larger ones are recaptured by the moon.

Is the blue ring around Uranus going to attack us? No? Okay...moving on.

Tornado, Sand-Storms and Oversized Hail Strike Israel

Umm...doomsday? I was only kidding about the whole non-religious thing. Hello God? You there? It's me Mad Man.

A small tornado ripped across the western Galilee Tuesday evening. Hail the size of golf balls also fell in the region. Scores were hospitalized. Freak stormy weather across Israel continues.

Alright Muslims, let's get it over with. Allah's will, blah blah blah.

The tornado touched down during a hailstorm in the Acco region, striking the Arab villages of Julis, Fassouta and Jedaideh. Hail as big as ping-pong balls was reported as far away as Nahariya. In southern Israel, sandstorms reduced visibility to less than three feet. Nine foot waves were reported on the Red Sea in Eilat, with telephone and cellular service knocked out for the entire city. The highways through the Negev were also covered completely by several inches of sand. On Sunday, four Israeli Arabs were killed in northern Israel due to flooding. Sahar Mehamid, 23, from Umm al-Fahm was killed in Wadi Ara and three women from the lower Galilee village of Touran were killed in a car accident after driving through floodwater covering the road. PA resident Iyad Taha, from a village near Ramallah, also drowned in the floodwaters.

I am now Muslim. Um...yay Allah, praise Muhammed and, oh yea, now I have to decapitate something.

Prince Harry spotted at strip club

Oh my God...Prince Harry has a penis.

Britain'S Prince Harry visited a strip club with some friends to celebrate the end of his army officer training course, British tabloids have reported.

Leave the kid alone. He's a prince but he's also a little man. And little men like boobies. We like to look at them, we like to think of them and when we're lucky enough to touch them, it makes us happy. Just because he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, a golden diaper on his bottom and enough responsiblity and pressure to squeeze a healthy adult male's arteries shut in a vice grip doesn't mean he can't get his jollies off. We all put our pants on the same way after we're finished masturbating to that chick who bent over in the subway.

A dancer, named in the newspaper as Mariella Butkute from Lithuania, said Harry, 21, did let her sit on his lap for a 10-minute chat. But the third in line to the throne turned down a lap dance by Butkute at the Spearmint Rhino Club, west of London, saying "No thanks, I've got a girlfriend."

Not for long. Oh, and a stripper named Butkute (Butt-Cute?) come on, how could you not let her sit on your lap? This is not news unless Butkute winds up in the trunk of a car with pantyhose around her neck, a sock in her mouth and her hands bound behind her back.

Gospel of Judas

Hey, remember that religion based on the Bible you've been following your whole life. Guess what? It was wrong. Have a nice day.

An ancient manuscript made public after 1,700 years offers an explanation of Judas Iscariot's behavior at odds with his traditional role as the disciple who betrayed Jesus Christ for 30 pieces of silver.

Wait for it...

According to the Gospel of Judas, he was acting at Jesus' behest to help him "shed his earthly body," so Judas turned Jesus over to Roman authorities. A crucial passage of the text reads "you will exceed all of them. For you will sacrifice the man that clothed me."

So, according to this writing, Judas was ASKED by Jesus to betray him which doesn't make it betrayl but more of a favor which would make Judas more of a best buddy rather than the asshole tattle-tale piece of shit that ratted his friend out for profit. So now, when people call other people a little Judas, it'll mean you're a good friend. And the world turns. Now, time for the church to freak.

At this time, we go by the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. If the church - the Vatican Biblical Commission - if they feel there's something to it, they're going to study it. ... The Catholic Church moves very slowly on these things.

Well, of course they do, they have to think of a good way to explain why this particular piece of writing is poo-poo nonsense and people should stay in line and never, ever, ever, think for themselves.

Judas was a good man. Oh shit, it hurts doesn't it?
Now, lets look at what this gospel would actually change about the religion. If Jesus asked Judas to betray him, Judas in a way would be assisting Jesus in death, almost like an assisted suicide. Puts a spin on that whole right-to-life thing. According to this gospel, Jesus made the decision to "shed his earthly body", or basically, allow himself to be executed, and Judas being the best bud that he was had no problem granting his friends wish.
So then one must ponder, why would Judas hang himself? Why would he feel guilt over his "betrayl" if it wasn't a betrayl? Could it be that Judas shed his earthly body as well to join his savior? Could Judas have just been deciding to end his life to begin a new one in the hereafter? Does this mean that maybe, just maybe, the right to die by our own hand is not a sin but maybe a right bestowed on us by God? Maybe we are given life to do with it as we please. Maybe we are free to choose death over life without consequence. This should get interesting.

Italian parties hold their breath before two-day election

The Italian elections are now approaching. In the balance lies an ally of the US in Iraq and one of the most insane Prime Ministers in the history of insane Prime Ministers. (It's a more extensive list than you might think)

At his final campaign rally before the two-day general election, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was joined by leaders of his centre-right coalition, the House of Liberties. He told thousands of supporters in Naples: "You can rest assured that we will win on Sunday and Monday because we are not arseholes."

I think we all know that's not true. The American people haven't elected a non-asshole since Taft.

Silvio Berlusconi, during his campaigning for re-election, has vowed to give up sex for the election, compared himself to Jesus and Napoleon, and admitted phoning late-night erotic chat lines.

There's something to be said about honesty and that is, sometimes it's okay to lie. If America wanted a sex-crazed, egotistical madman in the White House we would have allowed Clinton another term. So if we elected Clinton to two terms perhaps Berlusconi is following the Lewinski model of politics. I'm left to wonder what Berlusconi's strategy here is with the Jesus comment though. Comparing ones self to Jesus is...well...it's a crazy thing to do here in America. Now, Jesus is to Italy what, like, American Idol is to America. So comparing yourself to Jesus in Italy is like saying bad things about American Idol in America. I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Yesterday the Italian Prime Minister, trailing in opinion polls before Sunday’s vote, perhaps went a step too far when he suggested that left-wing voters were “dickheads”.

Ah, insult the voters. Dare them not to vote for you. Tell them their fathers are fat, their mothers are whores and that their children are stupid and there's nothing they can do about. Interesting strategy. Let's see how it works out for him. Stay tuned.

Girl, 5, Forced To Apologize For Hugging Classmate

You better take back that act of compassion and caring before you hurt someones feelings. Wait...what?

A family in Maynard, Massachusetts is outraged after their 5-year-old daughter was forced to write a letter denouncing hugging after a classmate embraced her.

This is why our children grow up to be assholes. Just showing you all the case. Want to see the effect get your ass to work and try having a conversation with someone.

Brenda Brier and Michael Marino pulled their daughter, Savannah, out of school early Wednesday. The couple was angry after a meeting with officials at the Greenmeadow Elementary School in Maynard, where Savannah is in kindergarten.

At least they have enough sense to get their daughter out of that harmful situation. I mean, who wants to go to a school that has people running wild and hugging each other. Random acts of hugging isn't confined to just the inner-city schools anymore.

At issue is a hug Savannah said she got on the playground from a friend named Sophie. Savannah hugged Sophie back. The hugs resulted in Savannah having to write a letter, complete with teacher corrections, that read, "I touch Sophie because she touch me and I didn't like it because she was hugging me. I didn't like when she hugged me."

I smell Christians.

Savannah's parents said it should have never gone this far, and want an apology from the school. The family said they are so upset they'll start looking for a new school for their daughter to attend.

Now, I need a hug.

Paula Abdul Tells Police She Was Assaulted

She had it coming.

Police are investigating a report by "American Idol" judge Paula Abdul that a man assaulted her at a private party over the weekend. On Tuesday, Abdul filed a report at the Hollywood station claiming she had been a victim of battery about 1 a.m. Sunday, police Lt. Paul Vernon said Thursday.

Should be an open and shut case. All you have to do is find the guy who wants to beat the shit our of Paula Abdul. Ah...I think I see the dilemma.

"According to Abdul, the man at the party argued with her, grabbed her by the arm and threw her against a wall," Vernon said. "She said she had sustained a concussion and spinal injuries."

From getting pushed against a wall? Spinal injuries? Maybe she was drunk and accidentally wandered into a cannon.

Hamas: Ready for '2-State' Solution

Sounds like good news, where's the bad part?

The Islamic militant group Hamas is ready for a "two-state" solution with Israel, a senior official said Friday, a position that would imply recognition of the Jewish state for the first time.

There's got to be something bad in here somewhere. I can't believe that Hamas would just all of a sudden want a peaceful solution.

Hamas is under heavy international pressure to renounce violence and recognize Israel. The official said Hamas is prepared to soften its position because of the pressure, which has left the Palestinian government broke, and to enable Abbas to pursue his goal of restarting peace talks with Israel.

Ah, you're broke. Being broke is a wonderful incentive to change your views. Money, the root of all evil, it's more powerful than Jesus in our country so one can only assume it can defeat Allah in the middle east as well.

Giuliani recounts 9/11 agony at Moussaoui trial

Do we need to really drag this trial on? The guy pleaded guilty to being involved in the September 11th 2001 terrorist attacks. We should hang him in the town square and move on.

The government opened the final stage of its quest to execute Zacarias Moussaoui by presenting testimony Thursday from the man who came to symbolize U.S. resilience in the wake of the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani.

More so than Giuliani, I found the NYPD and NYFD men and women running into burning skyscrapers more symbolic of our resilience.

Giuliani, in recounting his experience of rushing to the scene even before the twin towers of the World Trade Center collapsed, became the first of almost four dozen witnesses the government plans to call to re-create for jurors the agonies of that day -- agonies that prosecutors say Moussaoui could have prevented and thus deserves to die for.

Did the jury forget? Have we forgotten that day? I haven't. I'm a New Yorker. I'm still pissed about it. Seems some of us have forgotten how we felt that day, watching people jump to certain death from a burning tower and thinking to ourselves "They don't deserve this today". Maybe we forot the feeling that rushed through us when we all realized as another plane struck and then another, that, America, our country, our home, was under attack. Maybe we forgot the fear of more attacks, the lust for revenge and reaction, the call for war, any war, any one. How quick we forget these things. I remember seeing posters of a bald eagle sharpening its talons, I remember Americans being just a little nicer to each other for a little while. And I remember going on vacation in Canada a year later and people being so kind to me for being a New Yorker. What made us forget? I'll tell you. Commericals. They've shortened our attention span.

So I guess maybe the jury does need to be reminded of September 11th. So does the rest of the country. It was during that time that for the first time in my life I was proud to be American. I am no longer proud of my country for many reasons, the most of which is the repeaditive stupidity of its people.

Top al-Qaida militant in Iraq captured

We catch a lot of those top leaders of al-Qaeda. In Iraq, in Afghanistan, in Pakistan, in Spain. How come it's never anyone we've ever heard of before?

Iraqi forces have captured the prime suspect in last year's kidnapping of Italian journalist Giuliana Sgrena, the U.S. military said Thursday.

I don't remember that kidnapping. There's been so many they just all kind of mesh together into one big cluster fuck. I'm sure the kidnappees don't feel that way but, hey, I'm American, you can't expect me to care about anyone but myself and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Mohammed Hila Hammad Obeidi, also known as Abu Ayman, was arrested in southern Baghdad on March 7 but the announcement was delayed pending DNA tests to verify his identity, the U.S. command said in a statement.

So we know his DNA but obviously have no idea what this guy looks like. Big catch.

Abu Ayman is believed to have led the Secret Islamic Army in Babil province south of Baghdad and is said to have close ties to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

Like I said, big woop, I'm going back to bed. Wake me up if they catch Zarqawi, or if a famous person OD's.

Israeli president asked Olmert to be next PM

Not sure who these people are but something tells me this is news.

Israeli President Moshe Katsav today formally chose Ehud Olmert to form Israel’s next government, and Olmert said he would work to quickly put together a coalition that was committed to carrying out his West Bank withdrawal plan.

That should be interesting. The Israeli pull out from Gaza went so well who wouldn't be looking forward to more pullouts.

Katsav said 78 members of Israel’s 120-member Knesset recommended that Olmert be chosen as the next prime minister. Olmert’s centrist Kadima Party won 29 seats in last week’s parliamentary elections, the most of any party.

Do you people know how hard it is to make fun of something when you have no fucking idea what it means? I mean, who the hell is Olmert? I had no idea there was even a President of Israel. And what's a Knesset? Israel's weird. I'm going back to bed. Wake me up if someone famous OD's.

Homeland Security Official Faces Child Sex Charges

Look, I've already resolved myself to the fact that my government cannot protect me and at some point I'm going to be blown into little pieces like humpty dumpty. Just, please, don't touch me in my secret no-no places too.

A federal Homeland Security official has been busted in an Internet sex sting.

Who the fuck is in charge over there?

Brian Doyle, 55, is expected to be placed on administrative leave Wednesday morning from his job at the Department of Homeland Security.

Administrative leave? I bet if I were busted in a Internet Child Sex Sting I would lose my job.

Department of Homeland Security Deputy Press Secretary Brian Doyle is charged with multiple counts of using a computer to seduce a child and transmission of harmful material to a minor.

I have a feeling he's going to try to pass this off as part of protecting our country. You know, sending naked pictures to child prepare them for the horrors of an inevitable terrorist attack in which all our clothes are stolen.

Officials said Doyle had sexually explicit online chats with an undercover detective he believed was a 14-year-old girl.

I hate this planet.

Indian director hopes to cast Paris Hilton as Mother Teresa

I hate Paris Hilton. Why? Cause I don't understand why she is in the limelight. She's not pretty, she's not talented and she sure as shit isn't intelligent. Now if you could be famous for being an ugly, untalented moron Hollywood would be overflowing and I'd be starring in Ocean's 13.

An Indian movie director said he hopes to persuade Paris Hilton to play the role of Nobel laureate and prospective Catholic Saint, Mother Teresa, in an upcoming film.

Now some people may want to argue that Paris is pretty, or talented, or have a hint of intelligence and that is what keeps her from eating her own feces. Anyone want to argue she is Mother Teresa-like? Huh? Didn't think so.

"Her features resemble Mother Teresa," director T. Rajeevnath told AFP from the southwestern coastal state of Kerala.

But...but...she's a slut.

The filmmaker said Hilton is on his shortlist after a computer-generated image showed a close facial match between the hotel heiress and the Albanian-born nun.

You can't have someone who's had a sex-tape scandel play Mother Teresa, it's like casting George Bush Jr. as Ghandi. It doesn't work. Can we all please put Miss Hilton where she belongs and that's a place where we can forget where she is.

Ex-Pilots Credit Plane Design for Survival

Planes don't survive, the pilots, crew and passengers who ride it fifty feet into the gravel do. Hopefully.

All 17 people aboard a C-5 cargo plane survived a crash that shattered the aircraft into pieces, which some former pilots credited with the sheer size and design of the craft.

Well there goes the "bigger they are, harder they fall" theory. You think that the size of the aircraft would make it less likely for people to survive considering the increased amount of shrapnel that would slice through the air like little happy blades of comfort. If it were true, train derailments would be the equvilant of a travel orgasm.

The plane, laden with supplies for U.S. troops fighting in Iraq, belly-landed 21 minutes after takeoff Monday from Dover Air Force Base. It plowed into an open, grassy area about a half-mile short of the runway but did not explode or catch fire.

I'm guessing it wasn't supposed to do that. And since when did we start giving out brownie points for things that carry living beings not catchy fire or fucking blowing up. They're not supposed to do that.

9/11 terrorist can be executed

Let's shoot him out of a cannon into a pool of starving sharks. You know, for the good of the nation.

Zacarias Moussaoui is facing the death penalty after a jury found that his lies to FBI agents had resulted in people being killed on 9/11.

Must be tough having an entire country looking to take all its anger over the worst terror attack in its history. Every family member who lost a love one in the attack, every New Yorker or Washington DC-ian-in, every patriotic American soul that enjoys country music and would wear the American flag as clothing if they weren't afraid they would drink too much and wet it wants to see this Moussaoui guy go the way of the mammoth. Now we may get the chance. I hear pay-per view event.

The jury reached a unanimous verdict that Moussaoui, the only al-Qaeda plotter ever to face trial for the attacks on the US, should be eligible for execution.

Must have been a tough decision, recommending the death penalty to a man who not only admitted to being involved, but boasts he was to slam a 5th plane into the White House. I'd have a tougher time deciding whether to slice my penis in half for ten bucks or not.

Iran tests new high-speed torpedo

This is an upgrade from Iran's previously unsuccessful low-speed torpedo that was propelled by three triple-A batteries.

Iran conducted its second major test of a new missile within days on Sunday, firing a high-speed torpedo it said no submarine or warship can escape.

No one tell them we use airstrikes.

On the maneuvers' first day, Iran said, it successfully tested the Fajr-3 missile, which can avoid radar and hit several targets simultaneously using multiple warheads.

Cool. You know, we have a bomb that can dig underground. We also have another one that leaves a 12 mile wide crater in your country. I'm not impressed by the underwater missile. I live on land.

Naomi Campbell In Trouble Again

This is what happens when people are famous for being attractive. Famous people should be forced to take personality tests.

Supermodel Naomi Campbell is pleading not guilty to second degree assault for allegedly hitting her housekeeper with a cell phone.

If you can afford a housekeeper you really have nothing to be angry about. I have to clean my own house. I never beat myself with a cell phone.

According to prosecutors, Naomi had just accused the woman of stealing clothes when she couldn't find a pair of hems she wanted to wear on Oprah.

First Russel Crowe, then Rep. Cynthia Mckinney and now Naomi Campbell. When are we going to realize the problem and keep these stars away from phones? Listen up famous people, most of the working class hates you enough already without you using phones as blunt objects. If you keep this up the cell phone companies are going to start offering sharper and heavier phones to cater to this behavior.

In 2000, she pled guilty to assaulting her former assistant with a phone. Another assistant made a similar claim, but no charges were filed.

Naomi...put the phones down.

Teacher Resigns After Giving Student Hickey

In all due fairness, the lesson of the day was how to lose tenure.

A Sentinel High School teacher in Montana that was suspended for giving a student a hickey has officially resigned. Missoula County Public Schools confirms Dan Kucera submitted his resignation several weeks ago.

Just out of curiousity, how does a teacher get FIRED in Montana?

Dan Kucera has not taught at Sentinel since January, after being charged with misdemeanor assault by Missoula police. Speaking for the first time about the situation, Kucera said today by phone he resigned for personal and professional reasons.

Personal and professional reasons = sucking on a student.

Kucera acknowledged making a stupid mistake, but believes the situation snowballed into something bigger.

Giving a student a hickey is a pretty big snowball to start off with. I'm not sure if it's possible that can snowball to something bigger.

Sunday Sign of Hope 4/2/06

Zarqawi 'replaced at head of Iraq resistance'

Why is this good news? Two reasons. One. Zarqawi was an asshole. Two, al-Qaeda is admitting mistakes made by one of their own. Let's laugh at them.

From MSN:

Iraq's resistance has replaced Jordanian-born Abu Musab al-Zarqawi as political head of the rebels, confining him to a military role, the son of Osama bin Laden's mentor has said.

"The Iraqi resistance's high command asked Zarqawi to give up his political role and replaced him with an Iraqi, because of several mistakes he made," said Hudayf Azzam, who claims close contacts with the rebels.

"Zarqawi's role has been limited to military action," said Azzam, whose late father Abdullah Azzam was the mentor of bin Laden, the Al-Qaeda boss.

"Zarqawi bowed to the orders two weeks ago and was replaced by Iraqi national Abdullah bin Rashed al-Baghdadi," Azzam said.

Azzam, 35, whose father was known as the "prince of mujahedeens", said he regularly receives "credible information on the resistance in Iraq".

He said Zarqawi "made many political mistakes", including "the creation of an independent organisation, Al-Qaeda in Iraq".

"Zarqawi also took the liberty of speaking in the name of the Iraqi people and resistance, a role which belongs only to the Iraqis," Azzam said.

As a result "the resistance command inside and outside Iraq, including imams, criticised him and after long discussions demanded that he be confined to military action", Azzam said.

Three Men Charged in 'Dungeon' Castration

Some people take those roleplaying games far too seriously.

Three men have been arrested on charges of performing castrations on apparently willing participants in a sadomasochistic "dungeon" in a rural house, authorities said Friday.

Anyone willing to be castrated in someone's "dungeon" basement deserves to have their balls cut off. Hey look, karma in action.

"It's extremely bizarre," District Attorney Michael Bonfoey said in a telephone interview. "It's incredible the amount of ways that people can find to run afoul of the law."

Do we actually have a law making dungeon castration illegal? I figured that would be one of those unspoken laws.

Sheriff's investigators said Richard Sciara, 61, Danny Reeves, 49, and Michael Mendez, 60, admitted performing at least eight surgeries, including castrations and testicle replacements, on six consenting clients over the past year. None of the three is licensed to practice medicine, officials said.
What amazes me is not that they didn't wind up killing anyone with their amateur groin surgeries but that they managed to find six willing LOCAL participants. Long line for the testicle replacement surgeries at the hospital in North Carolina?

Bahrain says capsized boat not licensed

In Bahrain, capsizing is illegal without proper documentation.

A cruise boat that capsized off the coast of Bahrain killing at least 58 foreigners was sailing without a proper license, the country's Interior Ministry said.

Who would have thought that the lack of a license could cause a boat to sink to the bottom of the fucking ocean? How'd the boat know it was sailing illegally?

The dead were 21 Indians, 13 Britons, five South Africans, five Filipinos, four Singaporeans, four Pakistanis, two Thais, a German, an Irish citizen and a South Korean. Sixty-eight people survived.

Just in case anyone was betting on that. Who says the world is segregated?

20 killed in explosives plant blast

What do you think is going to happen at an explosives plant?

A blast at an explosives plant in eastern China killed at least 20 workers and injured two, the government said today.

Explosive plants are like Coal Mines, accidents just waiting to happen.

An investigation into the cause of the explosion was under way, it said.

Oh I can save you the time of an investigation. Those explosives you were building...they work.

Carroll Back Home, Says She Feels 'Alive'

Well, if anyone should feel alive, it's you.

Jill Carroll, the U.S. journalist held hostage for 82 days in Iraq, returned to the United States on Sunday aboard a commercial flight to Boston, saying "I finally feel like I am alive again."

Welcome back home. Maybe we'll be thinking twice next time we decide to visit a warzone notorious for kidnappings, beheadings and random violence in the street. That's why I stay clear of Detroit.

On her flight, Carroll was touched to find a red rose on her dinner tray, the Monitor reported. Later, a flight steward dropped off a copy of Friday's USA Today in which she saw her own face framed by a black head scarf. It was a photo of a giant poster erected by supporters in Rome.

And a little note on a post-it reading "Keep your ass home please".

She was tickled to see pictures of her family and kissed the photo of her father, Jim Carroll.

Tickled? Well, at least Miss Carroll gets a happy ending.