Iran Defiant At Nuclear Deadline

What else is new? I'm so sick of this Iran and their nuclear ambitions bullshit. At this point either let them have the bomb or blow them the fuck up. It's gotten to the point where I'm so numb to the whole situation I'm kind of looking forward to the nuclear destruction so I can have some peace and quiet.

Today is the deadline for the UN's International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) to report in New York on Iran's degree of compliance with demands it stop uranium enrichment.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the degree of Iran's compliance is jack fucking shit. Thank you."

Just hours before the UN's nuclear watchdog is to make its report, Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad made it clear there will be no last-minute compliance.

Never heard of last minute compliance before.
Let's go to the reply Bob. Yes, yes, you can see right here that Iran did comply right before the buzzer. I believe that counts.

"But they should all know that the Iranian nation will not yield to pressure and aggression even a bit and will not accept any violations of its rights," he said on Iranian television.

So here's what I've learned about politics. It's one LONG fucking drag-on topic spread over the course of a few years where all the players have the same lines and nothing ever fucking changes. It only gets put on the shelf the next time someone named Habib attempts to blow something up or some teenage girl goes missing in a tropical wonderland.

CNN anchor broadcasts live from the ladies room

There is nothing newsworthy going on in there. In fact, I like to pretend women don't do that sort of thing.

Kyra Phillips, anchor of CNN's Live From, unwittingly upstaged U.S. President George W. Bush's speech in New Orleans this week with an on-air analysis of her husband and the marriage of her brother -- all live from a CNN bathroom.

Kyra, you may think the world revolves around you and all but let me assure you of something. I couldn't care less about your marriage. Your brother's marriage, however, is a different story. Please, tell me more.

Unaware that her wireless microphone was live during her break, Ms. Phillips could be heard overriding Mr. Bush's prepared address Tuesday as he marked the anniversary of hurricane Katrina.

Oh man, what could be more embarrassing then having the entire nation tuning in to hear Bush speak to the people of the now-disaster-area New Orleans only to eavesdrop on you dropping your boys off at the pool?
"Hi, this is Kyra Phillips live and I, ugh, I...ate a lot of corn last night."

In conversation with an unidentified woman, Ms. Phillips dismissed most men as "assholes" but called herself "very lucky in that regard. My husband is handsome and he is genuinely . . . a really passionate, compassionate, great, great human being. And they exist. They do exist. They're hard to find. Yup. But they are out there."

How sweet. Say, do they teach you to take off your mic before going pee-pee at TV News Reporter school or is that something you have to learn the hard way? By the way, I am deeply offended that you think men in general are assholes but your husbands a great human being. I've met him. He's an asshole too.

Ernesto comes ashore, drenches southern Florida

Drenches is the TV people's colorful and attention-grabbing way of saying things got wet. Other than that, nothing fucking happened.

A weaker-than-expected Tropical Storm Ernesto soaked South Florida, after coming ashore, but forecasters warned it could move into the Atlantic on Wednesday and make landfall later this week in the Carolinas.

Be warned Carolinas...things might get wet.

The storm threatened to dump 3 to 6 inches of rain in the central and south part of the state with isolated amounts of 10 inches possible.

3 to 6 inches? Build the Ark!!

"It probably won't become a hurricane again, but there's still that chance as the center of circulation passes the Florida peninsula and moves back out into the Atlantic," said CNN meteorologist Maria Ramos. "If that happens if may be able to regain a little bit of strength."

The news is not far from threatening to kill us themselves if we don't watch aren't they?

Iraqi says had to change t-shirt before US flight

In all fairness his shirt did say "I'm going to slam this plane into an American monument."

An Iraqi architect on Tuesday said he was forced to change his t-shirt before boarding a flight in New York because the shirt had "We will not be silent" written on it in Arabic and English.

Apparently, you will. Or at least if you'd like to fly the friendly skies.

Raed Jarrar wrote on his Internet blog (http://raedinthemiddle.blogspot.com) that he was required to change out of the shirt prior to boarding a JetBlue flight from New York's John F. Kennedy Airport to California this month because officials told him people were offended by the shirt.

Honestly, and I'm real BIG on the first ammendment and all, but unhappy Muslims and middle eastern people scare me. See, when a Irish guy gets upset, he gets loud and might try to fight you. An Italian guy will yell and flail his arms and might have your legs broken. A Jewish guy will invade Lebanon but a Muslim will explode, literally, and they usually involve ball bearings or other small metal objects to maximize their point.

"I grew up and spent all my life living under authoritarian regimes and I know that these things happen. But I'm shocked that they happened to me here, in the U.S."

Yeah, shit is changing. Want to go to Canada with me?

Iran’s leader asks Bush for TV debate

Great, just what I need, my regulatly scheduled programs being interupted so I can watch two men pretend they're not crazy and stupid.

Iran's President challenged George W Bush to a televised debate as a deadline neared for the country to halt work the West fears is a step towards building nuclear bombs.

So world politics has resorted to playground challenges. Why not make it a boxing match? Or better yet, a world leaders version of Fear Factor or Survivor.

"Isn't it time that international relations are founded on democracy and equal rights of the nations?" asked Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Nah.

"I suggest holding a live TV debate with Mr George W Bush to talk about world affairs and the ways to solve those issues."

If politics has taught me anything it's that talking never solve anything.

Attorney: Karr won't be charged with JonBenet's murder

Guess this was one of those "I only confessed to the murder because I wanted people to like me" situations.

Schoolteacher John Mark Karr will not be charged with the murder of 6-year-old beauty pageant competitor JonBenet Ramsey, Karr's attorney said Monday.

Instead he will be charged with being a complete fucking pyscho. That carries a sentence of public service in the political system.

"The warrant on Mr. Karr has been dropped by the district attorney," public defender Seth Temin said outside the jail. "They are not proceeding with the case." He said a hearing scheduled later Monday afternoon has been canceled.

Well, it's back to square one on the JonBenet Ramsey mystery. You may all now proceed with blaming the parents.

Sunday Sign of Hope 8/27/06

Fox journalists released after 13 day capture in Gaza

From Eitb:

Two Fox News journalists were released Sunday, nearly two weeks after being seized by militants, ending the longest-running drama involving foreign hostages in the Gaza Strip.

Cameraman Olaf Wiig, 36, and correspondent Steve Centanni, 60, were dropped off at Gaza City's Beach Hotel by Palestinian security officials. A tearful Centanni briefly embraced a Palestinian journalist in the lobby, then rushed upstairs. Wiig walked into the lobby behind Centanni, briefly turned when someone pulled him by the arm and shouted “get off” before heading upstairs.

Centanni later told Fox News in a phone call from Gaza City that during his capture, he was held at times face down in a dark garage, tied up in painful positions, and that he and Wiig were forced at gunpoint to make statements, including that they had converted to Islam. “I'm a little emotional because this is overwhelming, but I'm fine,” Centanni said. “I'm so happy to be freed.”

Tropical Storm gains strength over central Caribbean

This is good news for those that hyped up this years hurricane season in order to swell fears to sell newspapers and boost ratings. It's also good news for weathermen and women who now have something to report on. For the rest of us, it sucks, especially for those about to have the roof of their house peeled off like an orange.

Tropical Storm Ernesto gathered strength as it steamed through the central Caribbean toward Jamaica on Saturday and threatened to enter the Gulf of Mexico as the first hurricane of the 2006 Atlantic season.

This hurricane season was less than impressive. Disappointing if you remember after Katrina last year every moron on television who claimed to be able to predict weather patterns either with a satelite, computer technology, or just sense it since they were struck by lightening a few years before was ranting and raving that the 2006 hurrican season would blow the entire world into the upper left hand corner of Antartica. Maybe Mother Nature was lulling us into a false sense of security. Or maybe no one knows what the fuck they are talking about.

Ernesto could grow into a Category 3 hurricane by Thursday, menacing a broad swath of the Gulf Coast including hurricane-ravaged New Orleans, the U.S. National Hurricane Center in Miami forecast. Category 3 hurricane Katrina struck the city a year ago Tuesday.

Fear. Panic. Cry. Pray. But stay tuned to their station 24/7.

Pluto no longer a planet

It's a space station. But it's not fully operational...yet.

Pluto is no longer the ninth planet in our solar system. It's only a "dwarf."

Please, they prefer "little planet" or "tiny rock-size debris floating through the void of space".

Its fate was determined Thursday by the world's astronomers, who for the first time created a set of rules defining just what a planet is -- and what it is not.

Congratulations Earth, you've turned the universe into a popularity contest.

Pluto got the shaft.

Yeah, but Pluto is the type of planet that gets mocked and teased but grows up to become wealthy and famous in the computer industry. You just watch. Pluto will have the last laugh.

That leaves the solar system with its original eight planets and countless other objects that now must be called "small solar system bodies."

Eliminating it's former tag of "floaty crap".

There are now three planetary criteria: A planet is anything in the heavens that's massive enough for its own gravity to keep it roughly round, that orbits a star on its own and is not a satellite, and that has cleared away any loose cosmic rubble from its neighborhood.

So keep this in mind next time you discover a heavenly body. In space, not at the bar mind you.

That leaves the solar system with the eight planets every school kid has always known: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune.

My entire life has been a lie.

South Korea certain North has nuclear bombs

Oh goody.

South Korea is certain North Korea has nuclear weapons and Seoul's best estimate is Pyongyang has produced one or two bombs, its defence minister said on Friday, amid reports that the North may be preparing a nuclear test.

Well, let them test then. That will cut their nuclear arsenal in half at least.

Defence Minister Yoon Kwang-ing has previously said he believed the North had one or two nuclear weapons, but his remarks in parliament on Friday were among the strongest yet on the North's possession of atomic bombs.

"I'm fucking serious you assholes, bombs, big fucking bombs in North Korea. Why won't anyone listen to me?"

When asked if the South has no doubt about the North's possession of a nuclear weapon, Yoon said: "That's correct."

"What's correct, that's there doubt or no doubt?"
"Yes"
"Yes what, there is doubt"
"No"
"So there is no doubt?"
"Yes"
"So we have no doubt there are nuclear bombs in North Korea?"
"Maybe."

Yoon also said there was not enough evidence at present to conclude the North is about to conduct its first nuclear weapons test.

So far theres only been suspicious jeep movement and cable wire spottings. But that's how nuclear bomb testing starts. Next thing you know BAM...Chernobyl.

Injured woman drowns under rescue boat

From the "Life is Ironic" section of the local newspaper.

A rescue boat crew made several unsuccessful attempts to free an injured woman when their boat capsized on the Connecticut River yesterday, authorities said. The woman was trapped underneath and drowned.

Great rescue team. As an encore I hear they save people from burning buildings and then light them on fire.

Virginia Yates, 64, of Rockingham, Vt., was stepping on a dock when she slipped Tuesday, injured her head, and fell into the river, said Sergeant Craig Morrocco of the Fish and Game Department.

"Don't worry Mrs. Yates, the rescue team is on it's way."
"Nooooooooooooooooooo!!"

A fire and rescue crew from Cornish brought Yates onto their brand-new, flat-bottomed airboat and strapped her onto a backboard. But as the boat headed to a waiting ambulance at a landing, it started taking on water and capsized, Morrocco said.

So basically they took her out into deeper water and finished the job nature intended.

``She was strapped to the backboard, and she was strapped into a gurney," a standard precautionary measure, said Sullivan County Attorney Marc Hathaway.

Oh that had to suck.

Austrian Woman Says She Is Schoolgirl Who Disappeared 8 Years Ago

"And for my next trick..."

An 18-year-old woman in Austria tells police she escaped a kidnapper who held her captive for eight years in a sealed garage.

This is the second similiar story this year. I was unaware you could keep women as pets.

Police say relatives identified the woman as Natascha Kampusch, who disappeared in 1998 while she was walking to school.

All this time she's been in the garage. I knew we should have looked in there. We should clean it up.

Austrian news agency APA quotes investigators as saying there are no signs the woman was sexually abused.

Just held in a garage for eight years but thank god no one touched her naughty places.

The woman told police she escaped from a house in a village near Vienna. She said that since her kidnapping, she spent most of her time confined to a garage. She said her abductor allowed her to take occasional walks with him in the neighborhood.

Looks like we need to start teaching our children how to call out for help. Never underestimate the importance of knowing how to make a specticle of yourself. It may just one day spare you from spending eight years in the garage.

Chinese AIDS patient beaten while pleading for government help

I'll teach you to get sick!!

A Chinese woman who contracted HIV during hospital surgery said she was attacked while she and other patients pleaded with the government for compensation.

Why you would want to attack an AIDS patient is beyong me. They're infected.

Wang Qiuyun, 38, said a security guard at the central Chinese city of Hebi in Henan province threw her against some stairs and kicked her in the abdomenon Wednesday after she and three other female patients insisted on seeing the mayor.

That's how they say "Mayor busy" in China. Good thing they weren't saying "You go now!" or it would have gotten bloody.

The guard picked up a broom and threaten to beat her but was stopped by the other sufferers and guards.

Sometimes you just have one of those days at work and need to beat a woman suffering from a terminal diagnosis.

Wang said she was infected in the largest hospital in the city of 1.4 million people during surgery in the 1990s, but she was unclear whether it was the surgery to remove a stomach tumor or to give birth.

Does it really matter?

"The courts should accept my case," Wang said. "I also want to know what the government policy is towards people like us."

Well apparently the policy is to beat the crap out of you, threaten you with a broom and send you on your way. Here's some advice. Enjoy the rest of your life. Go see and do the things you always wanted to. Go somewhere that you won't be beaten sensless, like, shit, I can't think of anywhere. Antartica perhaps.

Judge to Rule if 'Meowing' Is Harassment

The first person to take a cat to court is getting punched in the jaw.

A Pennsylvania district judge has been asked to decide whether that word is a harmless taunt or grounds for misdemeanor harassment. Jeannette police charged a 14-year-old boy for "meowing" whenever he sees his neighbor, 78-year-old Alexandria Carasia.

Since when did being immature become a crime. Hey Alexandria, after 78 years on this planet haven't you learned that kids are stupid? You'd think someone that age would have better things to preoccupy their thoughts. Like trying not to die.

The boy's mother said the family got rid of their cat after Carasia complained to police that it used her flower garden as a litter box.

Oh good, a 78 year old grump. Personally, if you made me give up my cat I'd throw you down a flight of stairs. Consider yourself lucky the kid's just meowing at you.

The boy testified Tuesday that he only meowed at the woman twice. Carasia testified, "Every time he sees me, he meows."

Freedom of speech. I can meow at anyone I want. Perhaps it should be a crime to waste tax payers money by bringing stupid shit like this to the judge. Or maybe, after 78 years on Earth, you should have thicker skin about it.

Paramount ends production deal with Tom Cruise

Wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that he's a fucking nutcase?

Paramount Pictures is severing its 14-year-old ties to Tom Cruise's production company because of his off-screen behavior.

Well, kudos to you Paramount for having the balls to say, "Yes. Yes we ARE severing our ties to Tom Cruise because he is a fucking nutcase."

Cruise also became the butt of jokes for his manic, couch-hopping appearance on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" last May to declare his love for actress Katie Holmes, who recently gave birth to Cruise's first biological child, a daughter they named Suri.

Yeah, he's gay.

F-16s escort jet back to Schiphol

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you look out our windows to the left, you'll see Jack. Jack has been with the air force now for about six years and he has absolutely no problem with slamming a missile into the side of our aircraft at the slightest hint of trouble."

A Northwest Airlines flight bound for India was escorted back to Amsterdam's Schiphol Airport by F-16 fighter jets on Wednesday.

Hahaha...aha...ha...it was a bomb scare wasn't it.

The plane was turned around after "a couple of passengers displayed behavior of concern," according to Northwest Airlines.

Behavior of concern?
" Oh man, she's shitting on the refreshment cart again. I'm concerned."

"Northwest is cooperating with the appropriate government officials," the company said in a statement.

My big question here is why the fuck anyone in Amsterdam would want to go to India?

The airport spokeswoman said the pilot had requested to return to Amsterdam and after the plane landed, there were some arrests. She would not specify if those arrested were passengers.

Well unless the police have started arresting luggage I'd say it's a pretty safe bet that the arrests were passengers. Unless the pilot had some weed on him.

Taliban Seek Return of their Dead

Oh that reminds me. How's that "new Taliban offensive" working out for you guys?

Taliban forces asked that the bodies of their dead fighters be returned Monday after a weekend of bloody battles with Canadian and Afghan forces.

Knowing the mujahideen, they will proclaim the return of their dead as a "victory for the lions of Islam".

Afghan government officials said 72 Taliban were killed in a massive ground, air and artillery assault in the volatile Panjwaii District, west of Kandahar.

I wonder if they only get one virgin each now. I mean, how many virgins can Allah have? They don't grow on trees you know.

At least 22 bodies were returned by late Monday, said Haji Niamatullah, a member of the Kandahar Provincial Council and part of the government's reconciliation program.

You should probably arrest whoever it is you're giving the bodies to. Just a thought.

Following Islamic human rights code, Afghan security forces assured the Taliban that they would not be attacked while they were retrieving the bodies of their fallen comrades.

The Coalition forces however, made no such promise. ATTACK!! Oh man, that'd be priceless.

The return of war dead is a Muslim honour tradition that goes back to the battle of Ahzab in ancient Mecca.

So, it's a Muslim tradition to get slaughtered in such high numbers it becomes tradition to collect the dead. Good work Islam.

It is said that a renowned enemy warrior was killed and his body fell into a trench the Muslims had dug for the defence of Madina.
Enemy forces presented ten thousand dinars to the Prophet Mohammed and requested that the dead body of their fallen warrior be handed over to them.
The Prophet is said to have replied: "I do not sell dead bodies. You can take away the corpse of your fallen comrade."

It's the spirit of giving, like Christmas, only with death and war.

Saddam Hussein trial hears of gas attack

Lucky for you guys, I don't do fart jokes.

The first prosecution witness has appeared at the latest trial of former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein and six others on war crimes charges.

I forgot all about that mockery of democratic justice. I'm just thankful that no one there speaks English cause then it'd be all over my television.

The witness described a chemical weapons attack which he says was carried out on his village.

"It was bad"

"People were vomiting... We were blinded. We were screaming. There was no one to save us, only God."

Oh yeah, how'd he do?

Up to 180,000 civilians were killed.

I guess God hates you huh?

The witness, Ali Mustapha Hama, said eight to 12 jets bombed his village of Balisan in April in 1987. The explosions were not very loud, Ali Mustapha Hama said. There was greenish smoke, and minutes later, a smell like rotten apples or garlic.

I hear that's actually an improvement to what Iraq normally smells like.

Iran: Response Will Clear Path for Talks

As long as it doesn't clear any paths through shockwaves and fire I'm all ears.

Iran hinted Tuesday that its response to a Western incentive package aimed at persuading it to roll back its nuclear program would include constructive ideas that it hopes will open the way for negotiations.

I tell you this much, those crazy Islamic governments are like fucking Hitchcock when it comes to suspense. I'm practically shaking in my trousers here in my bomb shelter.

Tehran reiterated Tuesday its intention to meet its self-imposed deadline later Tuesday to reply to the package.

I don't care who you are, you miss your own deadline you are a fucking moron.

The official Iranian News Agency said it would deliver its response at 4 p.m. local time.

At the time of this post, it's 4:18pm in Iran. They missed their deadline.

A top Iranian nuclear official said Tehran's response will provide "an exceptional opportunity" for a return to the negotiating table for a compromise.

Something, somewhere is going to blow up.

Is Tomorrow Doomsday?

Let me check the calendar. No, no it's Tuesday.

While no extra safeguards are in place, U.S. law enforcement are not ignoring the possible significance of tomorrow's date, August 22, a date that marks an important historic event on the Islamic calendar.

The day the suicide vest was invented?

Internet websites have been full of speculation that it could be a target date for terrorists in commemoration of the return of the 12th imam, a supposed day of reckoning for Shiites.

The 12th Imam? I never met the first 11.

This year, August 22 marks the holy day on the Islamic calendar that is the day of reckoning for Shiites. Some Shiite sects believe that August 22 could correspond to the end of the world.

Great. I had plans tomorrow. The end of the world will really cut into those.

Sunday Sign of Hope 8/20/06

Al-Qaeda Mastermind Caught

from smh.com:

A leading operative in the al-Qaeda terrorist group, allegedly linked to last week's London hijacking plot, has been captured in southern Pakistan, US television network ABC reported Thursday citing Pakistani officials.

Matiur Rehman, 27, one of the most wanted men in Pakistan, was taken in the city of Bawalpur, ABC reported.

According to Pakistani law enforcement and intelligence officials cited by ABC, Rehman has met with Rashid Rauf - the alleged ringleader of last week's foiled plot to hijack up to 10 passenger aircraft and blow them up over the Atlantic Ocean.

Rauf's arrest, also in Bawalpur, reportedly led to the anti-terror operations conducted by British security forces last week, in which more than 20 people were taken into custody.

UN Secretary General says Israeli raid violated truce

Truces are broken in the middle east more than spirits are broken on American Idol.

UN Secretary General Kofi Annan has expressed deep concern over an Israeli commando raid on Lebanon, which he called a truce violation.

There will never be peace in the middle east, I think we all know that. Nothing surprises me in that region anymore. I was about as hopeful for a truce between Israel and Hizbollah as I was that one day I would obtain the ability of flight.

Lebanon has said it may halt its army deployment in the south - a key element of the ceasefire plan. The Lebanese army began deploying in the south on Thursday.

Oh well, guess that means more things are going to blow up.

Israel carried out a night raid on Saturday in the eastern Bekaa Valley, deep inside Lebanon; it accused Hizbollah of smuggling weapons from Iran and Syria. and insisted the truce held.

See the problem is that there are different opinions at work here on the definition of a truce and neither one is correct. I guess Websters Dictionary's aren't all that popular in that area.

Expert: 'Hybrid' Creature killed in Maine Is Just a Dog

It's official. Every report I did yesterday was bullshit. I feel dirty.

Immigrant Takes Refuge in Chicago Church

Smart. Obliviously this person has discovered our governments only weakness. Holy ground.

Immigration activists around the country are taking up the cause of a single mother who invoked the ancient principle of sanctuary and took refuge in a Chicago church rather than submit to deportation to Mexico.

The US Constitution prohibits the mixture between Church and State. If the Church is going to give sanctuary to an illegal immigrant which is a State issue, it moves the Church into the area of meddling with law, therefore, the Church should pay taxes. Bam! I just kicked it up a notch. Your move holy man!

Elvira Arellano, 31, was holed up for a second day Wednesday at Aldalberto United Methodist Church with the support of the congregation's pastor. With her was her 7-year-old son, Saul, an American citizen.

Good thing this isn't Texas. They'd burn her out.

Federal officials said there is no right to sanctuary in a church under U.S. law and nothing to prevent them from arresting her. But they would not say exactly what they planned to do, or when.

You are breaking US law. If this person where a rapist or a murderer or a thief or even just had unpaid parking tickets it'd be tear gas through stained glass. I love people's sense of entitlement. Why can't they just become citizens legally? What is so fucking difficult about it? Does it involve some sort of horrible act like beastiality or necrophilia or something? Jeez, just get a fucking green card and shut up. Can't get into Disneyland for free so why should the country be any different?

Missile-like metal tube is reported over Hawaii Airport

It's either a missile attack or an alien invasion. Either way hide the good china.

The FBI and the Transportation Security Administration are investigating sightings of an object resembling a missile flying over the Hilo Airport area Tuesday morning, Hawaii County Civil Defense said.

It was swamp gas. That is all.

Reports gave opposite descriptions of its direction and widely varying estimates of its size.

Oddly, mens image of the object was much larger than womens.

In an unrelated story today. California has blown up.

N. Korea Appears to Be Preparing for Nuclear Test

Well...it's been fun everyone. Bye bye.

There is new evidence that North Korea may be preparing for an underground test of a nuclear bomb, U.S. officials said.

Well, look at the bright side. Fighting radioactive mutants in a post-apocalyptic world is a great way to shed those unwanted calories. Feel the burn!

"It is the view of the intelligence community that a test is a real possibility," said a senior State Department official.

As long as they're not planning to test it HERE.

A senior military official told ABC News that a U.S. intelligence agency has recently observed "suspicious vehicle movement" at a suspected North Korean test site.

Sounds like quite a jump. "Suspicious vehicle movement" = Nuclear bomb testing. Hey, that jeep didn't signal the left turn. That could mean only one thing. Nuclear war.

The activity includes the unloading of large reels of cable outside P'unggye-yok, an underground facility in northeast North Korea. Cables can be used in nuclear testing to connect an underground test site to outside observation equipment.

Or, to hook up HBO in underground bunkers.

NSA wiretaps ruled illegal

This story is leading the headlines in the stories-that-will-never-really-effect-you-if-you-don't-talk-about-illegal-shit-over-the-phone section of your local paper. Cool, now the government will never know what toppings I like on my pizza. The first part of my plan is now complete.

A federal judge in Detroit on Thursday struck down the National Security Agency's domestic surveillance program, calling it unconstitutional and an illegal abuse of presidential power.

Since when was ANYONE in Detroit qualified to make decisions for anyone, let alone the entire country. I thought Detroit burnt down years ago.

The ruling marked the first court rejection of the controversial monitoring program and amounted to a rebuke of the Bush administration's tactics in the war on terrorism.

Yeah, well, the only reason that happened is because everyone in Detroit is fucking crooked. Listen, for all those who live outside the US, there are two cities in the US that are just criminal safe-havens. One is Detroit and the other got blown off the map by a hurricane last year. At last the one that is now a lake was fun and festive and culture-y. Detroit smells like shit. That's the best thing going for it.

For all my Detroit-living fans, your city smells. You're probably are used to it. You should move.

JonBenet Experts Doubt Confession

Looks like people are beginning to question whether the man who admitted to killing JonBenet Ramsey really actually killed her or he just said he did because, well, I don't know why someone would confess to a crime they didn't commit other than some sort of bad wiring between the part of the brain that controls reasoning and the other part that controls not wanting to spend the rest of your life in a cell getting sodomized by some guy who smuggles lipstick into the prison by concealing it up his ass so he can give it to you on your birthday.

Many experts say they are skeptical about claims by John Mark Karr that he killed JonBenet Ramsey. ''Is this just an obsessive guy craving his 15 minutes of fame? There are those people who confess under circumstances where we immediately know, this is real. This isn't one of them,'' Denver defense lawyer Larry Pozner said. ''We have to withhold judgment because he has not given enough facts for us to decide: Do we have a wack-job or a murderer?''

Now you're just splitting hairs.

Denver lawyer Craig Silverman also had reservations. ''This confession is nonsensical, and it appears to be delusional. To claim this was an accident is ridiculous. It's hard to imagine a more intentional, deliberate murder than hitting a girl with sufficient force to split her skull open and to fashion a garrote and twist it until she stops breathing.''

Alright, I must confess that I too have become quite skeptical about this looney's confession since a lot of what he is claiming corresponds to books written about the JonBenet murder. Why a man would confess to killing a little girl like that when he didn't do it is as baffling to me as why a man would kill a little girl like that. So if this guy isn't guilty, we can all take back that apology to the Ramsey's and start glaring at them again.




PS...Well aware I'm going to hell for the caption in this story. Save the hate mail.

Arrest Made in JonBenet Murder Case

Nothing like swift justice that takes about ten years.

On Aug 16 Bangkok police arrested John Mark Karr in connection with the murder of JonBenet Ramsey.

So, we didn't even solve the crime did we? China did. We're outsourcing our justice system?

The suspect's visa has now been revoked and he has been branded an "undesirable person." A U.S. source has revealed that John Mark Karr has previously spoken about certain elements of the crime not known to the public.

If this guy really DID do it, the entire United States of America owes the Ramsey's an apology.

Hybrid Mutant Found Dead in Maine

Directed by John Carpenter.

Residents are wondering if an animal found dead over the weekend may be the mysterious creature that has mauled dogs, frightened residents and been the subject of local legend for half a generation.

Well, that solves this mystery. I feel like we've accomplished something today. So, we're all living in a Stan Lee comic book huh? Cool.

The animal was found near power lines along Route 4 on Saturday, apparently struck by a car while chasing a cat. The carcass was photographed and inspected by several people who live in the area, but nobody is sure exactly what it is.

Even myths eventually die by the side of the road after being struck by a drunk driver. Nice job dipshit, you just killed Bigfoot.

Michelle O'Donnell of Turner spotted the animal near her yard about a week before it was killed. She called it a "hybrid mutant of something."

Oh one of those.

"It was evil, evil looking. And it had a horrible stench I will never forget," she told the Sun Journal of Lewiston.

Especially since it was wearing a crucifix upside down across its neck and I'm pretty sure it was listening to heavy metal music. And if it's one thing about hybrid mutants it's that they stink. Oh boy, I mean, pigs roll around in their own shit and I've really never seen a "wild" animal that smelled lovely and all but those hybrid mutants, phew.

For the past 15 years, residents across Androscoggin County have reported seeing and hearing a mysterious animal with chilling monstrous cries and eyes that glow in the night.

What was this thing, Satan's poodle?

Now, people are asking if the mystery beast and the animal killed over the weekend are one and the same.

Cousins. Close though.

NBA's Lonny Baxter arrested for shots near White House

I'm guessing these weren't free throws.

Charlotte Bobcats basketball player Lonny Baxter was arrested early on Wednesday after a witness reported gunfire near the White House, a Secret Service spokesman said.

You know how much I make a year? About 30,000$. You know how much a starter house costs in my state? About 400,000$. I pay 200$ a month in car insurance plus I'm still paying about 300$ a month for the fucking car. Gas is 3.00$ a gallon. If anyone should be taking shots at the fucking White House it should be someone other than a man who makes millions to put a ball in a hoop.

A witness flagged down a Secret Service officer about 2:30 a.m. (0630 GMT) and reported shots fired about five blocks from the White House.

Ah, capital city. Where our government ignores the violence and poverty right outside the window.

The officer stopped Baxter's SUV and saw "in plain view a number of spent shell cartridges," said Zahren.

So, you DON'T have to be a brain surgeon to play basketball.

Indian premier calls for end to killing of unborn girls

It was a good run but it's time the fun stopped.

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh called on parents in India to stop seeing girls as an economic liability and to end the practice of killing unborn female foetuses.

That's crazy, seeing little girls as an economic liability. You could always sell them into prostitution.

Singh's appeal on India's 59th Independence Day came four days after the grisly discovery of 25 female foetuses from a private clinic in northern Punjab state, which has the country's lowest sex ratio due to rampant female foeticide.

What's a low sex ratio? Sounds like marriage.

"We have a dream of an India in which every woman can feel safe, secure and empowered. Where our mothers, sisters and daughters are assured a life of dignity and personal security," he added.

Where children can be born into poverty and cause a financial strain so great the entire family starves to death. This, is my dream.

Girls in India are often considered a liability as parents have to put away large sums of money for dowries at the time of their marriage.

And all that makeup and those Barbie dolls. They also require food and water and you have to walk them at least once a day. Plus, I hear they have no penises. I mean, why not get rid of women. Sure, I see no downside to that. Get rid of women and we all can breed with sheep, the way God intended.

Many grooms demand dowry well beyond the means of families of their spouse -- demands which often result in the killing of newly-married women.

" If I am to marry your daughter, I will need you to bring me a moon rock, a three headed cockroach and the wings of a dragon."

Mexican fishermen found after 11 months at sea

Someone drank a lot of urine.

Three Mexican fishermen found drifting in the Pacific Ocean could have been lost for almost a year and two others were missing and presumed dead, the manager of a fishing company that rescued them said on Wednesday.

I think we know what they ate then huh?

Bush Sees No End to War on Terrorism

I will always respect a leader who helps his people stay positive.

President Bush said Tuesday that the foiled plot to blow up flights between Britain and the United States is evidence the U.S. could be fighting terrorists for years to come.

Yeah no shit. Seeing how the war on terror has been running now for about 5 years and we really haven't accomplished much of anything we set out to do, excuse me if I don't jump back in surprise and shock.

"America is safer than it has been, yet it is not yet safe," Bush told reporters at the National Counterterrorism Center just outside Washington.

What?

"The enemy has got an advantage when it comes to attacking our homeland: They got to be right one time and we've got to be right 100 percent of the time to protect the American people."

Oh no, he's using numbers.

The counterterrorism center is located at an undisclosed site in Northern Virginia known as Liberty Crossing.

It is located somewhere where we can't tell you where it is even though it's right here next to me.

Muslims face extra checks in new travel crackdown

Has the world finally come to its senses? No...just England.

THE British Government is discussing with airport operators plans to introduce a screening system that allows security staff to focus on those passengers who pose the greatest risk.

I'm looking your way Mohammed.

The passenger-profiling technique involves selecting people who are behaving suspiciously, have an unusual travel pattern or, most controversially, have a certain ethnic or religious background.

I'm not going to fly off on another rant about how Muslims seem to be the problem with this whole terrorist business but unless you're blind or like to pretend to be blind like a lot of people these days who would apparently rather have their face blown off their head than be called insensitive, we all know where the problem lays. Allah and his flock of firecrackers.

The system would be much more sophisticated than simply picking out young men of Asian appearance.

Fuck Asians. This PC shit is insane. Say it with me, MUSLIM, we should target MUSLIMS. Unless your searching for exploding chopsticks, leave the Asians alone. Until someone named Li blows something up we watch the robed guys with the beards and the rolled up carpets.

But it would cause outrage in the Muslim community because its members would be far more likely to be selected for extra checks.

What about the outrage in our communities when their community blow ours up? Since when did the Muslim sensibilites outweigh everyone elses? You want to be treated like everyone else? Act like everyone else. Until the terrorism stops, your community will be targeted. Why waste time searching the Brits and the Italians when we all know who the fuck is responsible? Why do we have to play like we don't all really know what's happening?

Hizbullah claims 'big victory'

Now it's a victory to not get completely wiped off the fucking map.

Hizbullah distributed leaflets on Monday congratulating Lebanon on its "big victory" and thanking citizens for their patience during the 34-day war with Israel.

Show them what they've won Jonny. It's another invasion the very second you step out of line again. Enjoy! You have to hand it to Islamic fanatics, they can find the bright spot in any negative situation. More dead Hizbullah than Israelis. Yup. More damage done to Lebanon than Israel. Check. Operations of Hizbullah degraded more than Israeli military. Yes. But hey, Lebanon now has more holes in which to bury the dead. AHAH, VICTORY!!

Supporters of the terror group were seen passing out leaflets to cars heading south on the Zahrani highway, which connects the hard-hit southern cities of Nabatiyeh, Tyre and Sidon.

Here in America, we call them solicitors. We throw away the pamphlets.

"Congratulations to you on the big victory, with the support of God, the mujahedeen (holy warriors) and your patience," it read.

P.S. Sorry your home was blown to shit and your family is dead. Rejoice in knowing we've accomplished nothing much. Praise Allah.

The flyers also warned people not to touch any suspicious objects, which could be unexploded ordnance.

What a nice surprise for the Lebanese who fled their homes to safety. For God's sake don't touch a fucking thing. Keep your hands at your sides at all times and hopefully we won't step on a land mine. Welcome home!

All missing Egyptian students in custody

That was quick. How come we're having trouble finding the ones who killed 3,000 people?

Sunday Sign of Hope 8/13/06

Britain's Al-Qaeda leader seized

Brits on a roll.

From Times Online:

SECURITY sources believe that a man arrested in last week’s anti- terror raids in Britain is Al-Qaeda’s leader in this country.

Home Office officials say that one of those arrested is suspected not only of masterminding the foiled plot to bring down up to nine transatlantic airliners, but also of involvement in other planned atrocities over the past few years.

They believe that he was instrumental in sending the ringleader of at least one previous British terror plot for training at a camp in Pakistan last year. He is described by counter-terrorist officials at MI5 as the senior figure in a British terror network involving Kashmiri, north African and Iraqi cells.

Israel to Halt War in Lebanon on Monday

However, today and tomorrow, a lot of people are going to die.

Israel will halt its war in Lebanon at 7 a.m. Monday (midnight EDT Sunday night), a senior Israeli government official said Saturday.

This is all very technical and precise for war. I was unaware that there were start and end times designated for combat. I wonder what would happen if an Israeli soldier and a Hizbollah militant were locked in a hand to hand fight to the death and the clock struck 7am?
The official spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to comment publicly on the sensitive matter.

Someone has difficulty following instructions.

UK names 19 suspects in air terror plot

Let me guess...none of them are named Bob and at least six of them are named Mohammed.

Britain on Friday identified 19 suspects arrested in connection with a plot to blow up U.S.-bound airplanes and ordered their assets frozen, the Guadian newspaper reported. The Bank of England, acting on instructions from the government, published the names and addresses of 19 of 24 suspects arrested Thursday, saying it would be illegal to release their funds.

All the money in terrorist bank accounts should be divided amongst the families of victims of previous terror attacks. Or, even better, should be used to finance attacks on terror groups. Or just wire it to Israel, that'll piss 'em off.

The police have increased their presence in areas with Muslim populations in the UK to deter attacks after the latest terror arrests.

Gee...did Muslims have something to do with this. You know it's the quiet ones you have to watch.

Police must be very careful, as the failed raid in east London in June created "a distance" between them and Muslims.

You know what else causes a "distance"? Blowing people up on the subway. You'd be surprised how many people don't like when you do that.
So, how long are we going to tip-toe around the Muslims and make pretend like most of them aren't wearing suicide belts underneath that bee-keeper suit they wear. I am fully in support for people's right to the freedom of religion, even though I am not religious, but when your religion starts interfering with my basic right of staying in one piece, I'm sorry but now we have to ban your God.
There was a report on the news this morning that refered to the plotters as "Britons of Asain Descent". Asian? They're of Pakistani origin. Last time, while that is in Asia, so is Israel, and Russia. I can't remember the last time we referred to Russians or Israelis as Asians. Have we all gone retarded? As long as we tip-toe around the problem the world is having right now with the Islamic faith we are going to be at risk from these fanatics. I would be saying the same if everytime something blew up prematurely there was a Mormon behind it. Let's start calling a spade a spade and a terrorist a Muslim.
And where the fuck is the Muslim backlash against their own people giving them a bad name. I so rarely hear a Muslim stand up and say "Hey, stop it!". I'm sick of playing nice with these people who obviously have a chip on their shoulder against every other fucking nation outside the Arab ones. And don't even think of saying anything about this France, Muslims have been burning cars in your streets for almost a year now.
Not all Muslims are terrorists but all terrorists are Muslim. Funny how Ayman al-Zawahiri didn't make a call for all Christians to stand up in support of Lebanon. Al-Qaeda operatives aren't trying to recruit Atheists are they? As long as Islam's people are committing these acts, Islam and terrorism will be best buds in the eyes of the world, even if they're afraid to say it. Soon a robe or turban and the Koran will be viewed as smoking guns. And Muslims will cry foul and we'll pat them on the heads and tell them we know there's a difference between moderate Islam and Fucking-Insane-Crazy-Fireball-Loving Islam. Until something else blows up.
Hey Islam, stop it!

Pakistan arrests helped thwart attack on UK planes

And just in the nick of time. Reports say the terror attacks on the US-destined UK flights were planned for the 16th of this month.

A Pakistani connection to an alleged terror plot to blow up multiple airliners flying from Britain to the United States grew clearer Friday as the British authorities revealed the names of 19 suspects arrested the previous day and Pakistan said it had played a key role in breaking "this terrorist network."

Pakistan seems to pick and choose when they will help fight terrorism. At least they came through on this one.

6 of 11 Egyptian Students Now in Custody

An update on the missing students. One wonders, watching the swift response to finding these 11 wayward students, why we can't find the people who DO pose security threats.

3 of 11 Missing Egyptian Students Taken Into Custody

Don't worry, we do this in America everytime students go missing. We don't think you're terrorists just because you're Egyptian. Oh, sorry about, you know, shooting your friend there in the face. That IPod sure looked like something used to detonate a suicide vest.

Three Egyptian students who were being sought for failing to turn up for an exchange program at Montana State University were taken into custody Wednesday, more than a week after they arrived in the United States.

Things move pretty fast here in the US. One day you're on the fast track to a successful and fruitfull future. Next day, ass-raped in jail. I've seen it a thousand times.

Eslam Ibrahim Mohamed El-Dessouki, 21, was taken into custody in Minneapolis on an immigration violation. Two other students _ Mohamed Ragab Mohamed Abd Alla and Ebrahim Mabrouk Moustafa Abdou, both 22 _ surrendered to police in Manville, N.J., after hearing media reports that they were wanted, FBI spokesman Steven Siegal said.

Guess who's going home a bit early.

Eight students remain at large. They arrived in New York on July 29 as part of a group of 17 students. Six students reported to Bozeman on time.
The missing students pose no terrorism threat, the FBI said.

However, they will be shot on sight. We take skipping class very seriously here in the States.

British Authorities Foil Plot To Bomb UK-To-US Flights

That's good news...I guess. This is one of those "Is the glass half empty or half full" situations. You could be happy that the terror plot was foiled but then again, it's a reminder that there are people out there that want to hurt us and they seem to absolutely HATE airplanes.

British authorities announced Thursday (August 10) that they had foiled a terrorist plan to blow up multiple airliners traveling between the United Kingdom and the United States, a plot "to create mass murder on an unimaginable scale."

Hmm...10 planes, 300 people per plane, about 3,000 dead...well, it's happened before so I can imagine that.

Twenty-one people have been arrested in connection with the plot, which involved smuggling explosives onto as many as 10 airplanes in carry-on luggage. CBS News reports that the targeted flights were headed toward U.S. airports including New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport, Washington, D.C.'s Dulles International Airport and Miami International Airport.

Wait, that's two terrorists per plane plus one terrorist floater who, I'm guessing, just couldn't find a partner. Kind of feel bad for that guy. You know your life has gone horribly wrong when you wind up as a suicide bomber understudy.

Here in the U.S., the Department of Homeland Security raised the threat warning to its highest level for commercial flights coming from Britain, and has banned passengers from bringing beverages, hair gels and lotion into the aircraft cabin, explaining that the liquids had emerged as a risk stemming from the investigation in Britain. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said that the terrorist plot revolved around "liquid explosive devices."

We're at terror alert level red which actually means imminent but yet nothings happened so I guess we can lower it to orange which means Halloween. It's a strange terror alert chart.
Well good show Britain. Every day without an airplane exploding mid-flight is a good day indeed.

McKinney Sings, Ends Campaign

Since she's singing, I guess it's really over.

In a bizarre end to her reelection campaign, Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney gathered her supporters around her and attempted to sing along to a song by Pink and the Indigo Girls called "Dear Mr. President."

As if it wasn't awkward enough to be in room with a person who just did 60 to zero in the span of fifteen seconds, she's got to sing. Bowing out gracefully was never her strong suit I guess. Not sure what her strong suit was.

"Let me tell you about hard work, minimum wage with a baby on the way," McKinney sang out as the song played in the background. Eventually, McKinney conceded the race at 12:36 a.m. with one sentence: "I wish the new representative of the 4th Congressional District well."

Then she hit him with her cell phone.

Former two-term DeKalb County commissioner Hank Johnson declared victory over the incumbent Congresswoman Tuesday night as 100 percent of the precincts showed his lead at 59 to 41 percent .

I tell you this much, this makes me happy. I didn't like that McKinney and I'll tell you why. Her head was too big. Not literally, although now that I think about it, she did have a big head physically, but more because of the punching the cop incident. Now, it wasn't the fact that she punched a cop, shit, everybody wants to do that. They don't even have to be writing me a ticket. I could just pass one on the road and I think "I wanna punch him in the jaw". I don't, but I guess that's why I'm not a part of congress.
No, I dislike McKinney for another reason. I don't like her because, after punching the cop, she tried to play the race card. After not wearing her badge and being stopped by the cop and then punching him with a cell phone, she pulled out the "it's because I'm a black woman" ace. That pissed me off. It wasn't a race thing and she as well as anyone with even half a brain knows it was a "who are you to stop me" thing.
Do I think racism still exists, yeah, on a much more minor level than a few decades ago. Do I think it's fair that everytime a black person or a spanish person or some other "minority" (for a minority, there's a lot of 'em) gets to yell "racism" and everyone is supposed to back off and play nice? Fuck no! Look, if I punched a cop and then yelled "He stopped me cause I'm white" people who have me committed. McKinney was stopped because she didn't have a badge on. She then acted inappropiately and upon realizing the fault of her action, tried to turn it into a black and white thing. I don't like people willing to raise the tension between two races whom seem to be getting along better as time passes for their own personal gain. You fucked up McKinney and weren't able to just say "I fucked up". That's why I'm glad you're out of office. And apparently, so are 59% of the voters in your state.

Israel prepares for offensive, diplomats work on peace plan

Kind of sounds like diplomats and Israel have two seperate ideas of what's about to happen.

Israel today sent its tanks into Lebanon and massed troops along the border with that country for a proposed broader offensive against the Hezbollah as diplomats at the UN worked to salvage a peace plan in the face of opposition to it from Arab nations.

Remember about a month ago when they said this fighting would only last a few days?

David Welch, the US State Department's top envoy for the Middle East, arrived in Beirut and held talks with Lebanese Prime Minister Fuad Siniora.

"So...your country looks like shit."

You know, I realized something this morning about Americans that I think people should know, especially those of you who have anti-American feelings. For the last month or so there has been a commerical running on television asking for the support of the American people for Israelis who are now "under attack and living in bomb shelters". This commerical runs CONSTANTLY. Yesterday, after seeing it for the ninth time in twenty minutes, I realized something. No one is going to send money to this pro-Israel corporation. Why? Cause it's not just Arab countries that Americans don't care about. It's everything. We're too lazy to care. Hell, I'm too lazy to change the channel when that stupid commerical comes on.

Man Run Over By 3 Cars - No One Helps Him

So this is what we've come to huh? To busy to avoid running over another human being or even to stop and help him. We should all hang our heads in shame for our species.

Police are searching for drivers of three vehicles who ran over a pedestrian early today and did not stop to help.

When found, run them over a few times will ya.

The unidentified man died in the incident. Investigators said the victim was first hit by the driver of a silver Dodge Durango on Orange Blossom Trail near Silver Star Road at around midnight."The impact left the victim's body in pieces," Local 6's Jacquie Sosa reported.While the man's body was in the street, two more cars ran over the man and no one stopped to help.

Well, not much you can do at the point of being in pieces. But that doesn't mean you run him over again. We've now apparently added ourselves to the acceptable roadkill list. Cross at your own risk.

Reuters withdraws photos after alterations found

There's a fine line between reporting the news and making the news. Reuters, you gone done crossed the line.

The Reuters news agency said Monday it has cut its ties with a Beirut-based freelance photographer who it found had manipulated two photographs from the ongoing fighting in Lebanon. It also removed all 920 pictures by the photographer from its database.

Reuters isn't the only news outlet guilty of spinning the news in order to sell more papers or glue more eyes to their programs. The media has become a mighty powerful enitity, twisting fact and fiction in order to make you believe as they want you to, create controversy that truly doesn't exist and, above all else, make money. It's become a corrupted system. There is no longer truth in media, only truth in perception. Where once, in the great nations, people relied on the media, the newspapers, the town criers, to report to them the happenings of the world surrouding them unbiasly and without opinion, it now sees us as consumers, as cattle to be led towards opinions and outcomes that they have preordained for us. The media is slowly wiping away our capabilities of independant thought and we allow it. Why? Because they've led us to believe that it's what we wanted all along.
Hey...I just won an Emmy.

The agency said that as a result of the discovery it has put in place tighter editing procedures for images from the Middle East, requiring that all such photos be reviewed by the top photo editors at Reuters' global photo desk.

Why just the Middle East? Why not make sure everything you publish and distribute is TRUE!?

11 Egyptians on Studen Visas Vanish After Arriving in US

Oh that can't be good.

Eleven Egyptian students who came to the United States last month are on the lam after failing to show up for a college exchange program in Montana.

Well, who really wants to go to school? I sure as hell don't.

The FBI said the students, all men 18 to 22 years old, are not considered terror suspects.

"But we have to find them before they blow something up!"

U.S. Asked to Not Interfere in Cuba

What, us interfere? When have we ever interfered?

Leftist intellectuals and human rights activists from around the world pleaded with the United States on Monday not to interfere with Cuba while Fidel Castro recovers from intestinal surgery, and Cuba's parliament speaker warned the U.S. would face dire consequences if it did.

But America wouldn't be America if we didn't stick our noses in everyone elses business. We may be a young country but we're not immature you big poopyhead.

Sunday Sign of Hope 8/06/06

Iraqi, U.S. Soldiers Find Weapons, Capture Terrorists + High Value

Just because the media is focusing elsewhere for now, don't forget the soldiers in Iraq

From the DOD:

Iraqi and U.S. soldiers have found munitions caches and captured suspected terrorists in operations throughout Iraq this week, and U.S. soldiers killed a man planting a roadside bomb.

U.S. officials also announced the capture of a high-value suspect.

Soldiers of 2nd Battalion, 1st Brigade, 6th Iraqi Army Division, found a bag of munitions while conducting a patrol in western Baghdad early today. The bag contained five 82 mm mortar rounds, which were turned in to an explosive ordnance disposal team to be destroyed.

Elsewhere today, Iraqi soldiers arrested four terrorists involved in a drive-by shooting early this morning in northeastern Baghdad. The terrorists were arrested after exchanging small-arms fire with an Iraqi civilian in his home. One terrorist was seriously wounded.

Elements of 2nd Tank Brigade, 9th Iraqi Army Division, conducted a combined cordon-and-search mission with U.S. soldiers of Troop A, 7th Squadron, 10th Cavalry Regiment, 1st Brigade Combat Team, 4th Infantry Division, of four houses north of Baghdad around 4:30 a.m. yesterday, resulting in the detention of one suspected terrorist.

A patrol from Company B, 1st Battalion, 22nd Infantry Regiment, 1st Brigade Combat Team, 4th Infantry Division, conducted a cordon-and-search mission northwest of Baghdad at about 4 a.m. Wednesday, resulting in the detention of two suspected terrorists.

One day earlier, Multinational Division Baghdad soldiers engaged and killed a terrorist planting an improvised explosive device on the side of a road north of Baghdad late Aug. 1.

Soldiers from Company A, 7th Squadron, 10th Cavalry Regiment, 1st Brigade Combat Team, 4th Infantry Division, spotted the suspect digging a hole after curfew on the side of a road where IEDs are frequently placed. When the man saw the soldiers, he fled into a nearby tree line. He later returned to continue digging and noticed the soldiers and tried to flee again, but the soldiers immediately engaged the man, U.S. officials said.

The same day, a patrol from Company D, 1st Battalion, 22nd Infantry Regiment, 1st Brigade Combat Team, 4th Infantry Division, found a weapons cache northwest of Baghdad around 6:30 p.m. The patrol found 19 73 mm rockets, two 120 mm mortar rounds, and 19 73 mm rockets.

In other news from Iraq, U.S. officials announced today that combined Iraqi and U.S. forces captured eastern Baghdad’s third-highest “most wanted” terrorist in Adhamiyah during a precision operation July 30.

Multinational Division Baghdad soldiers of 1st Squadron, 61st Cavalry Regiment, and 4th Battalion, 320th Field Artillery Regiment, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 101st Airborne Division, and elements of the 2nd Brigade, 6th Iraqi Army Division, participated in the operation. The actions were part of Operation Together Forward, a Multinational Division Baghdad operation to disrupt murders, kidnappings and bombings in Baghdad.

The suspect taken into custody is believed to lead criminal elements, which have conducted deadly roadside bombings against coalition and Iraqi forces, as well as sectarian murders and kidnappings. He is believed to act as a financier, planner and director of those criminal activities in eastern Baghdad, U.S. military officials said.

In a combined mid-morning cordon-and-search operation, U.S. soldiers discovered the man at a hospital complex. “In a thorough search of a building with a lot of people in it, the attention to detail at the Soldier level accounts for this capture. The soldiers knew who they were looking for and methodically found him,” squadron commander Army Lt. Col. Brian Winski said.

During the search, the U.S. soldiers were attacked by sniper fire but suffered no injuries.

“The key to success was all of the junior officers and noncommissioned officers who were able to make good decisions based on the intent of the operation,” Troop B commander Army Capt. Will Arnold said.

Neither the suspected terrorist nor any coalition or Iraqi soldiers were injured during this operation. This marks the second high-value capture for the brigade in the past week. Soldiers from 3rd Battalion, 67th Armor Regiment, captured another individual July 25.

Israeli War Deaths Go Largely Unnoticed

You know, Ismael hasn't been home in three weeks.

Hours after 60-year-old Fadia Jumaa and her two daughters, Samira, 31, and Sultana, 33, were killed by a Hizbullah rocket attack on their home in the Israeli-Bedouin village of Arab al-Aramshe, the international media has so far largely ignored their deaths.

But you're reporting it. So you noticed. Obviously this news outlet has a very low self-esteem and opinion of itself by not considering itself as a part of the media. These problems usually start at childhood.

The lack of coverage of the Israeli civilian war casualties stands in marked contrast to the swift response by many sections of the international media to reported Lebanese casualties.

Because focusing on the deaths of Islamic country's civilians and the controversy caused by such incidents sells more papers and rasies ratings. Why? Cause the world's fucked up that's why. And the world veiws Israel and Western nations as aggressors and spinning the news to make it seem a truth brings in money.

Bush Vacations While Mid East Burns

I'm Canadian.

Bees Swarm Around Victim Following Crash

Double whammy. Well done.

A swarm of up to 100,000 angry honey bees sent 10 people to the hospital including the driver of an SUV that hit a hollow tree in northeast Indiana, disturbing a hive.

"Who DARES disturb our slumber!"
What are the chances that you would slam your huge gas guzzling, fuck-you-mobile into the very same tree that the North American Alliance Honey Bee Anger Management Convention is taking place. Good for you.

"Those bees were mad," said Ossian Volunteer Fire Chief Kent Gilbert, who was stung at least 50 times.

Well, how happy would you be if someone slammed their SUV into your house?

Jacqueline Cossairt, 16, of Markle slammed her GMC Envoy into the tree after she lost control on a gravel road about 10 miles south of Fort Wayne, Indiana.

cough cell phone cough.

By the time rescuers arrived, a black cloud of buzzing insects had engulfed the car.

"Great, not only did I total daddy's car but I triggered the end times."

"It was terrible," said Master Trooper Bob Brophy, commander of the Indiana State Police's Fort Wayne post. "You can't really train for that. You don't really know. You look for downed power lines. You don't look for a million bees."

You don't need to look for them. They find you.

Iraqi Shiites Chant 'Death to Israel'

I just have to ask my Muslim visitors. When you guys get together, do you plan the "Death" chants or do they just happen like the Wave at a sporting event?

Hundreds of thousands of Shiites chanting "Death to Israel" and "Death to America" marched through the streets of Baghdad's biggest Shiite district Friday in a massive show of support for Hezbollah in its battle against Israel.

You know, one big bomb would shut 'em right up. At what point does the world get sick of this shit?

No violence was reported during the rally in Sadr City. But at least 26 people were killed elsewhere in the country, most of them in a car bombing and gunbattle in Mosul in the north.

That's just weird. The "Death" rally was peaceful. Bombs went off elsewhere.

Demonstrators, wearing white shrouds symbolizing willingness to die for Hezbollah, waved the guerrillas' yellow banner and chanted slogans in support of their leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, which has attained a cult status in the Arab world for its defiance of Israeli military power.

Mental note: don't wear white on Middle-East vacation.
Crazy, crazy Islamic people. Shame, the fact that there is no quality of life for them so they have no respect for human life. Let's kill them.

Double Amputee Marine Mugged Outside Restaurant

There's a special little room in hell for pieces of shit that do things like this.

An Iraq war veteran who lost an arm and leg in a roadside bombing was mugged during a night out from the Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington, according to an Associated Press report.

How the fuck can you even entertain the idea of mugging a double amputee. Put aside the fact the guy is a war veteran, cause even though it may be a bit obvious by the fact he's a young man missing limbs and America's at war, you can't be sure. Fact here is, the guy's body is a constant balancing act. Honestly, he's been robbed enough already.

Lance Cpl. Mark Beyers, 27, and his wife were attacked and robbed as they left a restaurant in Bethesda, Md. on July 22.

I'm sending him my wallet.

As they left the restaurant, five men approached them and asked for a cigarette.
Denise Beyers told The Buffalo News they gave the men a cigarette -- but then the men grabbed her purse, kicked her and knocked the couple to the ground.

Smoking's bad. And since when did it take five men to rob a woman and a double amputee? Guess their confidence level was a bit low for them to come up with the idea, and decide it'll take five of them to carry the plan out. Good thing they didn't rob only a single-amputee. That would have taken an army of assholes.

Iranian President: Solution to Middle East crisis is to destroy Israel

Well, at least he's thinking.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Thursday the solution to the Middle East crisis was to destroy Israel, Iranian state media reported.

So...let me get this straight. In order to achieve peace in the Middle East (which is an oxymoron if I've ever heard one) your suggestion is the complete destruction of an entire country? That's very interesting. I don't think Ahmadinejad has taken his meds today.

In a speech during an emergency meeting of Muslim leaders in Malaysia, Ahmadinejad also called for an immediate cease-fire to end the fighting between Israel and the Iranian-back group Hezbollah. "Although the main solution is for the elimination of the Zionist regime, at this stage an immediate cease-fire must be implemented," Ahmadinejad said, according to state-run television in a report posted on its Web site.

See. it's weird with him. At first he says something, like needing an immediate cease-fire, and you think, "Wow, I actually agree with him". Then. he takes that familiar little stroll over the border of sanity and bonkers and leaps on over to the medicated team.

Ohio Man Claims Right To Have Sex With Boys

This is the exact reason I'm all for public execution.

A suburban Cleveland man accused of sexually assaulting nine disabled boys told a judge Wednesday that his apartment was a religious sanctuary where smoking marijuana and having sex with children are sacred rituals protected by civil rights laws.

If that loophole actually worked I'd still be an Aztec priest carving the still beating hearts from the chests of my human sacrifices on the top of my house, which I called "The Temple". Apparently, when you harm other people during your " Sunday prayers", it's no longer legal. Unless your a Catholic priest, then its okay.

He told the judge, "I'm a pedophile. I've been a pedophile for 20 years. The only reason I'm charged with rape is that no one believes a child can consent to sex. The role of my ministry is to get these cases out of the courtrooms."

Admitting it is the first step to recovery. The second however is decapitation. Sorry.

Rare snowfall across South Africa

Meanwhile. in North America, it's turning into a desert. It's the ol' switcharoo.

Snow fell on South Africa's biggest city Johannesburg for the first time in 25 years as icy temperatures gripped vast swathes of the country, the weather office said.

Global wamring? The next Ice Age? No, it's just that now, even the planet itself, and its atmosphere, has gone fucking nuts.

Heat Wave Cooks Eastern Part of U.S.

Newsflash. It's fucking hot.

Commuters sweated on their way to work Wednesday as the temperature and humidity started climbing back up to heat wave levels after a night of little relief.

It's what happens in the summer. It gets hot.

In the stifling subway tunnels, there was no air conditioning on three cars of the train Sayed Bukhari rode into Manhattan. "People were crying," Sayed said.

We'll there's no reason to cry about it you fucking pussies. Jeez, it gets a little hot every once in awhile. And who the fuck is Sayed Bukhari and was he searched before he got on the subway?

"You don't beat it," workman Frank Kenney, 40, said Tuesday in Bangor, Maine. "You just get through it."

Thanks Frank. It's enlightening comments like that one that got you to wherever it is you are in the world today.

Okay people listen, it's summer, it gets hot, we get heat waves every once in awhile. Try to remember something. Your job is not worth your life. If you work outside or in a place with little air circulation or no air condition, CALL THE FUCK OUT SICK. Stay home. Suck an ice cube. Crawl into the freezer. But if you choose to leave the house, don't complain about the heat. It's August.

Also, a tidbit of advice for all you out there who don't have air condition in your homes. Get one. Also, do what I did when I didn't have air conditioning. Go to your local supermarket and crawl in with the frozen dinners. Or better yet, work your way back behind where they store the milk. No one goes back there and it's like a igloo. You could spend three or four hours back there before someone finds you. Just tell them you where looking for the bathroom and got confused. If they get loud with you, tell them you took a piss on the orange juice.

Rice says cease-fire in Lebanon possible in days

Yeah, it's possible that I'll win the lottery in a few days too. Or that Jennifer Love Hewitt will come over to my house for directions to a local diner, fall madly in love with me on the spot and whisk me away to a magical little island where we can make love on the sand and neither of us grows any older for the rest of eternity.

US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said today that a cease-fire could be reached in Lebanon within days. "This week is entirely possible. Certainly we are talking about days not weeks," she said on the PBS Newshour.

Someone remind me, how long has this Hizbollah / Israel conflict really been going on? A decade or so? Sure, we'll fix it right up in a few days. Just a little talk and a few band-aids and, poof, peace will prevail. You know why this happens? It's the American culture. We're used to everything being solved in the span of a half-hour to two hours on television. We're impatient. We want peace NOW. Not later.

Israel 'holds' Hezbollah fighters

Sometimes...I just need you to hold me.

The Israeli army says it has seized a number of Hezbollah fighters in a raid on Baalbek, a town deep inside Lebanon.

War is like checkers.

After air strikes on the town, 100km into Lebanon, in which 11 people died, Israeli commandos landed by helicopter and fought a lengthy gun battle. In a statement on al-Manar television, Hezbollah said those captured in Baalbek, one of its strongholds, were "ordinary citizens", not militants.

I'll tell you one thing I've learned about Islamic militants. If they are bombed, shot, or captured, they magically turn into innocent civilians. If you were to go by the word of Hizbollah, al-qaeda or the Taliban, only about six or seven Islamic militants have been killed in the last five years. Even if their bodies are found impaled by their own RPG launchers, wearing an "I'm an Islamic Militant" headband and a "I fought for al-qaeda and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt and a 500 pound bomb" shirt on, they'll still try to claim the guys were only deli clerks.

Two Koreas Exchange Fire Across Eastern DMZ

It started innocently enough with a few "Your Momma is so..." jokes but quickly escalated into gunfire.

A brief exchange of gunfire erupted between the soldiers of the two Koreas across the eastern Demilitarized Zone in Yanggu Gangwon Province.

It's funny when soldiers are spontaneous like that.
You know, I'm pretty sure most wars start with someone saying, "10 bucks says I can shoot that piece of wood over there."

Seoul's Joint Chiefs of Staff says North Korean soldiers fired two shots toward a South Korean guard post at around 7:30 p.m. Monday. South Korea immediately fired back six rounds across the border but there was no additional response from the North.

That's the most boring gunfight I've ever heard of.

Officials say no casualties were reported on the South side as one of the bullets hit the wall of a guard post and the other fell near the structure. It is not known whether North Korea suffered any casualties.

Ironically, fifty-three North Koreans were killed in the incident.

Ailing Fidel Castro Relinquishes Power for Now

Fidel Castro is dying. Dictators don't hand over power when they get a stuffy nose.

Nearly half a century after the Cuban Revolution, Fidel Castro has relinquished power. For the moment at least. In a statement released in Havana, the 79-year-old dictator announced that he was handing power to his brother Raul while he recovered from intestinal surgery.

Does this mean I'm closer to having some Cuban rum while smoking a Cuban cigar? Probably not. It does mean however that maybe they'll be less people floating on innertubes through the Atlantic.

In Miami, opponents of Castro celebrated what they hoped was the beginning of the end for Fidel's Communist regime.

All things end. It's best to understand that. Sometimes the best way to overcome a problem is to simply wait for it to die.