Thursday, August 17, 2006

Hybrid Mutant Found Dead in Maine

Directed by John Carpenter.

Residents are wondering if an animal found dead over the weekend may be the mysterious creature that has mauled dogs, frightened residents and been the subject of local legend for half a generation.

Well, that solves this mystery. I feel like we've accomplished something today. So, we're all living in a Stan Lee comic book huh? Cool.

The animal was found near power lines along Route 4 on Saturday, apparently struck by a car while chasing a cat. The carcass was photographed and inspected by several people who live in the area, but nobody is sure exactly what it is.

Even myths eventually die by the side of the road after being struck by a drunk driver. Nice job dipshit, you just killed Bigfoot.

Michelle O'Donnell of Turner spotted the animal near her yard about a week before it was killed. She called it a "hybrid mutant of something."

Oh one of those.

"It was evil, evil looking. And it had a horrible stench I will never forget," she told the Sun Journal of Lewiston.

Especially since it was wearing a crucifix upside down across its neck and I'm pretty sure it was listening to heavy metal music. And if it's one thing about hybrid mutants it's that they stink. Oh boy, I mean, pigs roll around in their own shit and I've really never seen a "wild" animal that smelled lovely and all but those hybrid mutants, phew.

For the past 15 years, residents across Androscoggin County have reported seeing and hearing a mysterious animal with chilling monstrous cries and eyes that glow in the night.

What was this thing, Satan's poodle?

Now, people are asking if the mystery beast and the animal killed over the weekend are one and the same.

Cousins. Close though.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

the answer is the people in Maine are on crack!

August 17, 2006 2:14 PM  

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