SJ man, 45, died pursuing a passion

Luckily my passion is wasting away in a hospital bed so I don't have to do much pursuing.

Anthony Moore had been looking forward to the vacation he and his wife had booked to Maui for months. At work, he counted down the days until the trip, co-workers said.

Ah, counting the days until a vaction is bad luck. I dread my vacation, that way I usually survive them. I also ask everyone on the plane if they've recently won the lottery or inherited any money.

Moore, a San Jose software engineer, was an avid surfer and freediver and planned to do plenty of both on the island. But on Thursday, a week into the couple's dream vacation, something went terribly wrong when the physically fit 45-year-old was freediving in the warm waters off the island's southwest shore and his body was torn apart by sharks.

Yeah, sounds like something sure as shit went the fuck wrong. And what does him being physically fit have to do with the story. I would understand had he had a heart attack or a stroke or something but I don't think sharks swim along hungrily but pass you up cause you "look like you work out a bit".

What exactly happened to Moore off of Makena is not known. But Maui locals on Saturday warned of ``shallow water blackout,'' a sudden loss of consciousness caused by oxygen starvation as a diver ascends vertically to the surface.

Should of warned about the "shallow water feeding frenzy".

Iran Report Raises More Suspicions

Oh really? Honestly, at this point, short of catching Ahmadinejad sneaking down the hallway with a nuclear warhead underneath his shirt, I think I've hit my top level of suspicion.

Iran has accelerated its nuclear fuel enrichment activities and rejected demands of international inspectors to explain evidence that raises suspicions of a nuclear weapons program, according to a report by a UN agency.

Whoa...I didn't see this coming. Seriously, I thought Iran was enriching nuclear fuel for happy-go-lucky purposes only. I'm getting tired of the media pretending to be surprised by the outcome of this conflict on a daily fucking basis. If your still surprised by Iran's actions at this point you should be wearing a helmet.

Sunni-Shiite Truce in Iraq Fails to Curb Violence

If a truce doesn't curb the violence then you're in deep shit.

Efforts to curb the violence after the death of at least 200 people in a massive attack on the holy Shiite Asqariya shrine in Samarra , fell short of expectations.

Maybe you expect too much then. Allow ten or twenty random killings and that way you won't be all that disappointed.

At least 15 were killed and 45 were injured in a mortar attack Sunday on the Dora district of Bagdat.

See, 15 people. That falls in the ten to twenty range, just like I said. I've got it all figured out. When I leave the house, I expect a speeding ticket. When I get to work, I expect my boss to be an asshole, my supervisor to be a moron, my work to be pointless and my day to drain the fucking life out of me like a cosmic fucking vampire. That way, I'm not surprised when I contemplate suicide.

Soldiers dispatched to three-day prison riot in Kabul

The Al-Qaeda and Taliban prisoners are unhappy. Mission accomplished.

The Afghan defence minister has sent 800 soldiers to safeguard a high-security prison in Kabul where rioting has raged for three days, a Defence Ministry spokesman said Monday.

So lets pretend that we give a shit and find out what's bothering them.

The violence began after inmates were issued with uniforms.

I've seen this very same thing happen at high schools.

'If we need to, we are fully ready to attack the blocks where the inmates have carried out the uprising,' General Zahir Azimi said.

You guys ever seen the movie "Attica"? How much you willing to bet these prisoners have not.

Sunday Sign of Hope 2/26/06

Iran says nuke deal agreed with Russia

from our good friends at Al Jazeera:

Iran says it has reached an initial agreement with Russia on a joint venture to enrich uranium and will contine talks on the issue in coming days.

"Regarding this joint venture, we have reached a basic agreement," Iran's nuclear chief Gholamreza Aghazadeh said in the southern Iranian port of Bushehr on Sunday.

Russia has offered to enrich uranium for Iran to ease world concerns over Tehran's nuclear programme, but the latest round of talks in Moscow last week brought no visible progress.

The Russian proposal, backed by the US and the European Union, is intended to assuage concerns that enrichment conducted in Iran could produce material for atomic weapons.

Sergey Lavrov, the Russian foreign minister, said on Sunday that Moscow will continue its efforts to help resolve the Iranian nuclear crisis until a planned meeting of the UN's nuclear watchdog agency in just over a week.

H&R Block botched own taxes

For those of you unfamiliar with H&R Block, they are a company who will do your taxes for you. Yes, this story is that fucking funny.

Marketing experts say a $32 million tax mistake by H&R Block could drive away potential customers.

You think?

Shares of H&R Block fell $2.18, or almost 9 percent, to close at $23.01 Friday. The company on Thursday reported a 68 percent drop in third-quarter profits, and executives told analysts they were lowering their earnings expectations for the year.

Well, would you use a security agency that kept getting robbed?

The company also said it was restating earnings for 2005 and 2004 after discovering it had made a mistake in determining its state income tax rates.

Somebody will be on the unemployment line Monday morning.

US army charges seven with having sex on video

What'd you expect from the 82nd Armored Fairy Brigade?

The US Army has recommended that seven 82nd Airborne Division paratroopers be discharged following allegations they engaged in sex acts shown on a gay pornographic Web site.

The United States military is the strongest and best equipped in the world. And they have sec with each other. Take that terrorists!

Three soldiers face courts-martial on charges of sodomy, pandering and engaging in sexual acts for money. Four others received non-judicial punishments, according to a statement released by the military Friday.

Don't ask, don't tell, don't film. Imagine going to court being charged with being gay. I'd like to bring the jury's attention to exhibit A, a video of "Soldiers Barracks Ass Riders II - Mess Hall".
Make your country proud guys.

There's nothing wrong with being gay and I also believe we should allow gays into the military. But obviously the government is uneasy about it. Why? Cause of something like this. Being surrounded by troops who were just featured in the award winning gay porno film of the year doesn't strike fear into the hearts of the enemies, it makes them more likely to detonate their suicide vests. Well, would you want to be interrogated by some guy who just won an award for best double-anal penetration in a film?

Saudi oil facility evades attack; prices soar

So even failed attempts at terrorism make oil prices go higher? That's bullshit.

Suicide bombers tried to blow up the world's largest oil-processing plant in Saudi Arabia on Friday. The attack failed, but the price of oil rose by more than $2 a barrel anyway -- an indication of how seriously oil traders fear a successful strike would disrupt world oil supplies.

There's not a lot of things in this world you can fail at and still obtain the overall goal. The fourth place runner doesn't win the marathon. Bt aparently if a bunch of terrorist blow themselves up anywhere near an oil refinery, mission accomplished. Shouldn't we concentrate more on the fact that the attack failed?

A Saudi statement said the attack caused only a ``minor fire, which was immediately extinguished'' and didn't disrupt oil or gas production.

Nothing like suicide bombers causing minor inconvenience. The only people really affected here are the poor guys who have to clean that shit up. How come mop prices haven't gone soaring?

Saudi police officials told reporters that two cars tried to drive through the gates of the outer fence of the heavily fortified compound. The police officials said that guards opened fire on the cars and that both vehicles exploded.

Sometimes al-Qaeda's biggest victim are the car insurance companies. I also would like to know what make and model those cars were that couldn't ram down a fence cause they sure weren't built Ford tough. Maybe they ran out of gas. That would be ironic.

Saudi-born Osama bin Laden's al Qaeda group claimed responsibility for the attack.

They are so quick to make themselves look inefficient.

The statement read, "With grace from God alone, hero mujahideen from the squadron of Sheikh Osama bin Laden succeeded today in penetrating a plant for refining oil and gas in the town of Abqaiq in the eastern part of the peninsula, and then allowed two car bombs in driven by two martyrdom seekers."

Al-Qaeda's vision of success is comical sometimes. They didn't make it past the fence and were killed before even disrupting the oil operations. HAH, Success! Now we know that Al-Qaeda's true mission is the destruction of fences.

Iraq Vet Accused of Stabbing Wife 71 Times

Well officier, see, she came out of the shower with the towel around her head and...

Army officials have recommended a court-martial for a Purple Heart recipient accused of stabbing his young wife 71 times with knives and a meat cleaver.

Yeah...he should go to court for that.

Spc. Brandon Bare, 19, of Wilkesboro, N.C., was charged with premeditated murder and indecent acts related to the mutilation of his wife's remains.

It's the indecent acts charge that's going to do him in.

South Dakota Bill to Ban Nearly All Abortions

Well, there goes our God-given right to kill our unborn children.

South Dakota moved closer to imposing some of the strictest limits on abortion in the nation as the state Senate approved legislation that would ban the procedure except when the woman's life is in danger.

So how many freedoms do we have to lose before we get angry? I mean, I don't like the idea of abortion as a form a birth control but I'd be damned if I would ever tell a woman what to do with their body. I run for the hills when my girlfriend asks me anything about her weight.

The bill, designed to spark a courtroom showdown over the legality of abortion, passed 23-12 Wednesday. On Thursday, it was headed back to the House, where lawmakers already approved similar legislation.

We are all soon to be Christian, whether we like it or not. I hate it when people try to push their religion on you and make no mistake about this, it's all about God. And so is terrorism. Interesting huh?

Rain Halts Search for Buried School

You'd think it'd make it easier. I hear children rise out of the dirt when it rains because they can't...oh wait...those are worms...

Aerial photographs spotted what is believed to be the roof of an elementary school swamped by a landslide, and rescue workers will undertake a risky mission to check it, the provincial governor said Thursday.

If you need aerial photos to pick your kids up from school, save yourself the trip.
The roof that rescue workers had hoped would lead them to an elementary school buried by a mudslide turned out to be that of a house, the Philippine army said Friday, dealing another blow to the chances of finding survivors.

Oh man, what are the chance? Wrong roof.

Rescue teams suspended their search for the elementary school today because heavy rain raised fear of more landslides. About 65 U.S. Marines in rubber boots and carrying picks and shovels were digging, and the American military planned to begin using a 2-ton drill in the afternoon.
Really? 65 Marines, thats all we could spare for the children of the Philippines? I mean, I'm sure this landslide was our fault. Right? Caus eeverything is our fault. Where's Iran chiming in and blaming us? Wait for it...

As many as 300 children and teachers are thought to have been trapped in the school.

Probably not a happy ending here but, lets hope. It'd be nice to report on something positive every once in a while.

Police arrest pair in UK robbery probe

That was quick, hey, we're missing some girl in Aruba and we still can't figure out who killed some little girl who used to do beauty pageants or something like that if you feel like...you know...maybe helping us out.

Police arrested two people in connection with the armed robbery of up to $118.67 million, perhaps the biggest such crime in British history.
Detectives arrested a man aged 29 and a woman of 30 in London after an gang posing as police mounted the raid on security depot in southern England.

Now what does a 29 year old man need with over 100 million...oh...I bet he was DATING the 30 year old woman. Let him keep the money.

"They are being questioned on suspicion of conspiracy to commit robbery," police said in a statement.

NEWSFLASH: This crime moved past the stage of conspiracy and into the stage of followed-through.

"These men were armed, dangerous and violently threatening," said Detective Superintendent Paul Gladstone.

Opposed to those peacefully threatening bank robbers I guess.

Hope you guys find the robbers. Man, this is like a James Bond movie.

Rescuers search Moscow market cave-in -- 56 dead

Attention shoppers, save big on our 'grab what you can if you haven't been crushed' sale.

The toll from the Thursday morning collapse of a roof at a Moscow market rose relentlessly over the hours as rescuers dug through the rubble, with 56 confirmed dead and 32 injured by evening and possibly dozens more still trapped.

I'll be honest, the first thing that popped into my mind as I read this was, "I'm surprised this has never happened to me." I've been struck by lightening, hit by a car, attacked by bats, rats, deer, pretty much anything with teeth. It's only a matter of time before I am killed in a supermarket collapsing.
Yeah, but, oh, those poor people and everything.

Officials opened an investigation amid speculation that heavy snow might have contributed to the collapse.

You think? Maybe it was the way the staff stocked the shelves.

Throughout the day, rescuers used sledgehammers, pickaxes and metal cutters to fight through the wreckage, avoiding the use of large equipment that might crush survivors.

Sledgehammers, pickaxes and metal cutters remove the risk of further crushing survivors, HOWEVER, it opens the door to a few new risks. Deadly blows to the head, contusions and severing to name a couple. Imagine being buried in rumble only to have a rescuer smash you in the temple with a fucking sledgehammer.

Some of those trapped alive used cell phones to direct rescuers.

I hope they had 'free-trapped-in-a-supermarket minutes'

At night, workers brought in heavy machinery to dig deeper through slabs of concrete.

You can now put crushing back on the risk list.

Iraq edging closer to civil war

It's been doing that for about four years now. I no longer give a shit. Let them have their civil war, we had one. Maybe you need to have a civil war before you can have a true democracy. Or maybe it can help us thin the ranks or those so fucking willing to fight for mounds of sand.

Gunmen of rival sects battled south of Baghdad. More mosques went up in flames. Sunni Arabs pulled out of talks on a new government.

Cats killed all the dogs. The river started to boil. The moon crashed into Nebraska.

Iraq stands at the brink of civil war, and America’s exit strategy faces collapse.

This whole exit strategy I don't get. Here's what you do. Get the the soldiers on a plane and exit. Bam, strategy accomplished. I know we want to help these people but man, they are making it difficult. I'm a firm believer in stay the course but I'm also a firm believer in being grateful when people try to help you. I understand sometimes you don't want the help. That's when you politely say, "No thank you." or just play along until they go away and then tell your friends that person is an asshole. You don't strap a tennis ball filled with gunpowder with steel ball bearings glued to it on your chest and find a crowded market.

Sunni politicians lashed out at Shiite leaders Thursday, accusing them of igniting anti-Sunni reprisals. Others lashed out at the American military, charging it with standing idly by as the violence erupted.

Now they want us to help. Listen, if you are a Muslim, stop reading for a second. Okay...now that we are alone we can talk about the real issue here. Those people are fucking crazy. They want to hate us, but they want us to halp them. Sometimes I really lean towards the whole, "Level the area and start again." strategy.

Welcome back Muslim friends. We love you.

“The Americans ... abandoned us extremely. They could have put some of their vehicles to protect the mosques; they have the forces to do that,” said Khalaf al-Hayan, general secretary of the Sunni Iraqi National Dialogue Council. “How does a civil war start? It starts like this.”

Yeah they also start by bombing Shiite mosques.

And it's our fault of course. Fine, America will take responsibility. I'll stay home from work today in observance of your problems. Morons.

Hospital Gave Lethal Injections to Patients During Hurricane Katrina

Just a little something to help you sleep.

Just after Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans rumors circulated that at least one hospital had euthanized patients during the mayhem. LifeSiteNews.com reported in September 2005, that an unnamed doctor admitted to a UK newspaper that such activities had taken place at Memorial Medical Center.

It's much easier than moving them to safety. Remind me never to get sick in the south.

In October another doctor at the hospital confirmed in a CNN interview that he suspected such activities and admitted he left the hospital saying he would rather abandon patients than actively kill them.

Well, actually, either way, same outcome.

The allegations revolve around a group of patients left on the seventh floor at Memorial Medical Center. This floor was leased to a different entity, LifeCare Hospitals. According to NPR, the patients on the seventh floor were all DNR patients -- they had "do not resuscitate" orders.

Yeah, but I don't think that means "kill me in case of a natural disaster" though. Are we that lazy of a country that we'd rather commit murder than try to help our fellow man? Obviously, yes. I'm going to Greenland.

Rift widens on whether port deal is a threat

Alright, time to comment on this clusterfuck.

Former U.S. intelligence officials disagreed Wednesday on whether a company with close ties to a Middle Eastern, Muslim government poses a security threat by running six U.S. seaports, reflecting a deepening divide over the issue between the White House and congressional leaders.

At the risk of sounding a bit bias let's look at this a little closer shall we?

February 26th 1993 - A bomb in the basement of the World Trade Center in New York is deteonated killing 6 Americans and injuring over 1000. Who did this? Why, Islamist militants of course.

September 11th 2001 - Four planes are hijacked in the morning, two are slammed into the two towers of the World Trade Center in New York, one is slammed into the Pentagon in Washington DC and one crashes into a field in rural PA. Was this act prupertrated by the KGB? Nope. Islamist militants.

March 11th 2004 - A series of coordinated bombs placed on commuter trains kills 192 people and injures over 2000. Hey look, Islamist militants again.

July 7th 2005 - London is attacked by four suicide bombers. Three bombs are exploded in the underground train system, a fourth on a bus. 56 are killed, about 700 injured. Say it with me now, Islamist militants did it.

So, should the US hand control of it's seaports over to a Muslim country? Sure why not? I see no problem in this. All red tape and politics aside, I'm moving to Greenland.

Detectives search for clues after one of Britain's biggest heists

Don't worry Britain, it happens over here all the time. You eventually get used to it.

Detectives searched for clues on Thursday, a day after thieves disguised as police officers stole as much as 43 million pounds (euro62 millions, US$74 millions) in one of the largest heists in British history.

Europe...still making history. I love you guys.

The money was stolen on Wednesday from a cash center at Tonbridge in the county of Kent, a Bank of England spokesman said on condition of anonymity, in line with bank policy. The spokesman said that up to 43 million pounds were believed to have been stolen, but there was no exact figure. No one was injured in the robbery.

I love all the 'condition of anonymity' comments in news stories lately. You know what that means right. It means that the person making the comment was not supposed to make a comment but did anyway because no one listens anymore.

Police were studying closed-circuit television footage from the site, but it was not yet clear whether the cameras had been disabled during the robbery.

Here, I'll help you out, I watch Law and Order all the time. If the tapes are completely blank with a black screen during the robbery, the cameras were disabled.

Iran’s President blames US, Israel for Iraq shrine attack

Of course, I mean, who else has been bombing mosques in Iraq for the last four years? Surely not other Iraqis, of course not. You know, I understand you don't like us, I get it. But you can't point the finger at us for EVERYTHING.

Iran’s hard-line President accused the United States and Israel of being behind Wednesday’s bombing of a holy Shiite Muslim shrine in the Iraqi city of Samarra.

Did anyone expect anything different. I knew eventually, somehow, it would be our fault.

Wednesday’s blast destroyed the golden dome of the Shrine in Samarra which was at the resting place of two revered Shiite Imams. It brought about a backlash of sectarian fighting as several dozen Sunni places of worship were attacked across Iraq.

And you call yourselves holy warriors. Destroying the resting places of your own prophets, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Iran is like America's wife, no matter what we do, we're wrong, it's our fault. There's just no pleasing you anymore. Where'd we go wrong Iran? Where's the love? I want a divorce.

“These desperate acts were planned and carried out by a group of defeated Zionists”, Ahmadinejad said. “You must know that these acts will not save you from the anger and strength of free nations”, Ahmadinejad said in comments directed at the United States.

What free nations? What are you talking about?
You fanatics are becoming quite amusing lately. Claiming righteousness and acting devilish and so blind to your own evils. Religion will do that to people. Your religion of peace sure does include a lot of chaos and violence. That's okay though. Keep blaming us and turning a blind eye to the real problem and it will turn around a bite you on the ass. Trust me, it happens. One day you'll wake up and say to yourself, "Hey, there's a suicide bomber running at me...and he doesn't like American."

NYPD horse hurt bolting into traffic

Hey yo Silver! Waaaaiiiiitttttt!

An NYPD horse was injured after it struck two cars in Manhattan yesterday evening, witnesses and cops said.

Someone please tell me why we still have cops on horses? Really? Are we that unwilling to stop pretending to be cowboys?

"It came out of the blue," said Lubomir Firko, whose Saturn SUV was the first vehicle struck by the creature. "He was scared. He'd gone wild."
The horse then ran into a cab driven by Epie Herve of Brooklyn. "The officer went flying. He was on the ground. He was bleeding," Herve said. "It was awful."

It was only awful cause your cab got damaged. If the horse had missed your car it would have been funny.
And horses don't come out of the blue. They make a lot of noise when they trot and they aren't exactly small animals. You just weren't paying attention.

Palestinian brewery to launch 'Hamas' non-alcoholic beer

Pretend to forget all your troubles with a Hamas non-alcoholic brew, praise Allah. Drink responsibily. Friends don't let friends suicide bomb drunk.

Anticipating the Hamas rise to power in January's general election, Palestinian beermaker Nadim Khoury decided to develop a new product -- a non-alcoholic microbrew brandished with a label that coordinates perfectly with Hamas's trademark color.

So you make some cash and don't get your head cut off. Brilliant!

Khoury says his first name Nadim means "your friend who sits at the bar with you, your drinking buddy," and his chief product is Taybeh Golden beer, though he also makes a light version and a dark beer.

Like my friend Bum Anderson.

However, among secular Muslims in the area who do drink alcohol, not all are devoted fans of its mellow taste.
"It's okay. It's good," shrugged one Arab-Israeli taxi driver in Jerusalem, who admitted he hadn't drunk any Taybeh in at least two years.
A waiter at a bar in occupied East Jerusalem said: "I prefer Irish whiskey. Jameson."

Yeah, if you're into Irish whiskey, non-alcoholic pro-Jihad beer is going to come in a distant second. I like my beer to have alcohol in it. I also like it when the money I spend to get drunk doesn't end up in the hands of a person who is trying to finance the destruction of my home, but hey, that's just me.

Rice Vows to Keep Pressuring Egyptian Govt

Cool, that only leaves three Arab nations not calling for our destruction. Thanks Bush administration.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice pledged to a group of democracy activists on Wednesday that the United States will continue applying pressure on Egypt's government to meet its promises of reform.

Sounds like we're preparing to bombard Cairo with or Weapons of Mass Nagging.

"One good thing about having the president stand for election and ask for the consent of the governed is that there is a program," Rice told a group of dissidents, editors and professors.

Yeah, cause ours works so fucking well. You have to wonder if it ever crosses these peoples minds that maybe we Americans have it all backwards?

The session followed a breakfast with President Hosni Mubarak.

Oh that's nice, we eat at your house, THEN we criticize you. We're jerks.

The activists did not agree, however, on what how Rice should react to the Brotherhood, which is banned in Egypt. Rice has refused to meet with and Muslim Brotherhood members and they were not represented at Wednesday's meeting.

Didn't agree on what how? What the fuck does that mean. Someone wake up the fucking editor.
"What how Rice", sounds like something you'd buy in the Chinese Supermarket.

"Eliminating the Muslim Brotherhood is totally non-democratic," said Tarek Heggy, a writer and former petroleum executive. "The issue is how can we compete with them."

Good point. Personally I hate the American tradition of ignoring people. Whenever we don't like a nations government we pretend they're not there. We give them the cold shoulder. We act very childish.
Sorry Muslim Brotherhood but our clubhouse has a strict no Muslim Brotherhood allowed rule. You'll have to find somewhere else to play.
After a while, those other clubs get pretty strong and pretty large and very angry at us for excluding them. I think we as a nation greatly underestimate the power of talk and greatly overestimate the fear instilled by our large explosives arms.
That's just my opinion cause when I was in high school there was this guy, captain of the football squad, had the best looking girl in school as his girlfriend, you know, that asshole. He was a jerk, wouldn't hang out with anyone he deemed lesser than him or thought a different way. You know what happened? A bunch of the people he excluded got together and, as a group, fought him. They all got the shit beat out of them though. This was not a good example.

Irving: 'Nobody will silence me'

That's what a lot of people thought...you know...before they were shot.

David Irving, the controversial historian, has confirmed he is to appeal against his three-year sentence for denying the Holocaust.

Whoa...three years for denying the Holocaust? That's a little stiff no? I mean, sure, everyone knows there was a Holocaust cause, you know, people died in it. I can understand the frustration and hurt saying there was no Holocaust could cause certain people but does it really constitute a crime? Can't we as a world just pass it off as the ravings of a crooked mind and let it be?

In a television interview given from his jail in Austria, Irving, 67, said "I come from a free country, I am not going to let anybody silence me.

Coming FROM a free country doesn't matter if you're not IN a free country. It's all about where you are. If I was in Israel I wouldn't say there was no Holocaust. You have to know the laws of the land you're standing in. Otherwise, yeah, you get your ass silenced.

"They are not going to succeed, I don't think."

You don't sound too sure about that one Irving.

During his day-long trial in Vienna on Monday, he pleaded guilty to denying the Holocaust, but insisted that he now acknowledged the Nazis' slaughter of six million Jews during the Second World War.

Huh? So what was the slaughter of six million Jews, an accident?
"Oh man, we just slaughtered six million Jews, we are in soooooo much trouble."
" Maybe no one will notice."

Holocaust denial is a crime in Austria punishable by up to 10 years in prison.

Wow. That's good to know. Cause I was going to vacation there and now I know not to wear my bathing suit with the little swastikas on it. (I'm just kidding, save the hate e-mails please)

Do I think the Holocaust happened. Yeah, probably, but you know, I wasn't there so whatever. It's in the past. I think we should never forget it but I don't think never speaking of it is a healthy approach to making sure we never repeat the mistake, not just with Jews, but anyone else, like, you know, umm...Muslims.

Pope Benedict XVI Names New Cardinals

This one is Charlie and this one is Henry, and the little guy is called Pepe'.

Pope Benedict XVI named 15 new cardinals Wednesday, including John Paul II's longtime private secretary and prelates from Boston and Hong Kong, adding his first installment to the elite group of churchmen who will elect his successor.

I grew up Roman Catholic. I still have no idea what this means. Where do cardinals rank on the "larger hat means more important" scale in the Catholic church?

Benedict read aloud the names during his weekly general audience and said they would be elevated during a March 24 ceremony at the Vatican.

Elevated? You mean, like, carried around on the shoulders of priests or, like, body surfing? I'd go to church more often if priests finished their sermons with a "Peace I'm out!" and a stage dive.

Those chosen to receive the "red hats" that the so-called princes of the church wear include the archbishops of Caracas, Venezuela; Seoul, South Korea; Bordeaux, France; Toledo, Spain; and Manila, Philippines.

Oh...red hats. You're going places now, probably heaven. I on the other hand, will probably need to sneak in. Don't worry, I know a guy.

Man Charged With Killing Roommate Over Toilet Tissue

I SAID GET THE TWO PLY...THE TWO PLY!!

Franklin Paul Crow, 56, has been charged Monday with homicide for the death of Kenneth Matthews, 58, according to the Marion County Sheriff's Office. Crow told investigators that the men were fighting over the weekend about the toilet tissue when Matthews pulled out a rifle. Crow said he then began beating Matthews with the sledgehammer and claw hammer, according to an affidavit.

Some people take toilet paper a bit too seriously. I mean, I once beat a roomate with a garden hoe and a pitchfork because of expired dairy products, but toilet paper, that's just crazy.

Mystery blob eating downtown

Sure, why not?

A mysterious black blob attacked downtown Los Angeles on Monday with a tar-like goo that oozed from manholes, buckled a street and unmoored a Raymond Chandler-era brick building, firefighters said.

You know, I'm not surprised. Everything else that could go wrong with this world has already gone wrong. Why not the manifestation of an age-old horror film icon? Why the fuck not?

Execution of Killer-Rapist Is Postponed After Doctors Walk Out

Suddenly doctors had a question of ethics? After all the people put to death in this country, now, they have to question the moral fabric of putting someone to death. I bet the prisoner feels as lucky as a woman in a shoe shop where the owner just collapsed dead. You go waiting for the governor to call but instead, the doctors get a sudden change of heart and stage a strike. Someone up in Heaven either really likes you or, wants you to suffer the anticipation of dying a bit longer. (It's probably the second one)

The scheduled execution of convicted murderer-rapist Michael Morales was postponed this morning after court-ordered anesthesiologists refused to participate in the process. The prison warden abruptly changed plans and announced that the inmate would be executed with a lethal dose of barbiturates. Warden Steven Ornoski announced that the prison indends to carry out the execution at 7:30 p.m. today with an unprecedented single dose of sodium pentothal, a lethal barbiturate, rather than the standard three-chemical potion.

Change of plans Mr. Morales, the anesthesiologists have walked out so we're just gonna bash you in the head with this here table leg until you pass away. Brace yourself.

Injecting Morales with five grams of barbiturates was expected to lengthen the execution from the usual 11 minutes to as long as 45 minutes.

That would make for 45 minutes of the most awkward small talk in the history of mankind.
"So...um...any regrets?"
"A few."
"Read any good books lately?"
"No."
"You starting to feel...umm...sick or anything?"
" I feel fine."
"Well, that's good, that's good...um...wanna play 21 questions?"

Court Allows Church's Hallucinogenic Tea

But yet I can't smoke a joint and order a pizza to, you know, get in touch with God.

The Supreme Court ruled unanimously Tuesday that a small congregation in New Mexico may use hallucinogenic tea as part of a four-hour ritual intended to connect with God.

I've done hallucinogenics before, mushrooms, peyote, stuff like that. Not only does it bring you closer to God but it also makes you think the trees are talking to you, your friends have melted into a bubbling goo, water is musical and can be played much like a flute and that you are now capable of flight much like the majestic eagle who's been egging you to jump of the roof for a good fifteen minutes.
God isn't a tea leaf. No, not even a magical tea leaf.

Justices, in their first religious freedom decision under Chief Justice John Roberts, moved decisively to keep the government out of a church's religious practice.

It is now officially part of my religion to take eight bong hits and order Dominoes. In thy name I pray.

The tea, which contains an illegal drug known as DMT, is considered sacred to members of O Centro Espirita Beneficiente Uniao do Vegetal, which has a blend of Christian beliefs and South American traditions.

They consider drugs sacred. Good for them. So...umm...where do I sign up for the magic tea?

Al-Qaeda linked terrorists awarded death term in Karachi

There's so many people I'd like to thank for this death sentence. Of course, Allah, without whom none of this would have been possible. Oh, and of course, our bombmakers...

Anti-terrorism court Tuesday sentenced 11 members of an Al-Qaeda-linked militant group to death for a 2004 attack on a top general in Karachi that killed 11.

...to my father, who taught me how to treat my women and children like property. And my local imam who taught me how to hate enough to blow something up, without him, I would not be on my way to death right now...

The extremists from Jund Allah, or Army of God, were found guilty of firing on the car of General Ahsan Saleem Hayat, the then corps commander of Karachi, as he drove through the southern city in his motorcade on June 10, 2004.

...and to my fans, all those religious nuts hiding in the mountainous caves of Pakistan and Afghanistan, this is for you, these award is for all of us. Okay...fry me.

Iran says rudimental agreement reached with Russia

Could this be a Tuesday sign of Hope? Has Iran finally come to their senses? Has Russia saved the world from war? Let's read on and be disappointed...probably.

Iran and Russia have reached a rudimental agreement on principles over a Russian compromise proposal of joint uranium enrichment venture.

A rudimental agreement, or an agreement that has yet to actually take form, on principles of a compromise. This is a very fancy way of saying that the talks yeilded absolutely nothing isn't it? I mean, jeez, you have to break out a fucking dictionary to figure out what the fuck this means. And survey says...it basically means nothing.

The two sides discussed Russia's proposal that the two countries establish a joint venture in Russia to enrich uranium for Iran.

Okay, well, I guess that would be quite helpful in combating Iran trying to obtain nuclear weapons. I don't trust Russia much, but shit, I trust them a hell of a lot more than I trust Iran.

The United States and the European Union (EU) have accepted the Russian proposal, both urging Iran to accept the offer and return to a moratorium of its uranium enrichment activities.

So maybe there is hope for this yet.

UPDATE!

No deal in Moscow nuclear talks

This headline was posted one hour after the previous one I was commenting on. All hope was lost, one hour later. One hour!

Talks between Iran and Russia on a proposal by Moscow to enrich uranium for Iran ended in the Russian capital yesterday without a deal being struck.

Not even a rudimental agreement on principles?

Presidents Day - Let's Not Forget to Honor the Big Three

The Big Three. Washington, Lincoln and...um...Curly?

Today is the day that we Americans take some time to remember our past presidents and reflect on the good they've done our country. We also get the day off from work and school and there are usually terrific bargains at the local stores in honor of our past leaders.

In celebration of Presidents day we mostly spend the time sleeping, eating, shopping and whining about going back to work tomorrow, just as our forefathers did. For those of you from other countries looking on, you might not understand our holiday but don't worry, I don't quite get it either.

So, no news today, in honor of the founders of this country...but mainly because I want to go back to sleep.

Sunday Sign of Hope 2/19/06

A Thank you for America - Iraqi mayor gives thanks to US soldiers.

One must wonder why we do not hear about these things on the news at night.


As I’m sure you know, the 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment has been serving in Iraq (its second deployment there) for the past year.

As the regiment prepares to come home, it has received the letter pasted below. I believe many of you will find it an interestingcounterpoise to much of what we read in the press.

From: Mayor of Tall ‘Afar, Ninewa, Iraq

In the Name of God the Compassionate and Merciful

To the Courageous Men and Women of the 3d Armored Cavalry Regiment, who have changed the city of Tall’ Afar from a ghost town, in which terrorists spread death and destruction, to a secure city flourishing with life.

To the lion-hearts who liberated our city from the grasp of terrorists who were beheading men, women and children in the streets for many months.

To those who spread smiles on the faces of our children, and gave us restored hope, through their personal sacrifice and brave fighting, and gave new life to the city after hopelessness darkened our days, and stole our confidence in our ability to reestablish our city.

Our city was the main base of operations for Abu Mousab Al Zarqawi. The city was completely held hostage in the hands of his henchmen. Our schools, governmental services, businesses and offices were closed. Our streets were silent, and no one dared to walk them. Our people were barricaded in their homes out of fear; death awaited them around every corner. Terrorists occupied and controlled the only hospital in the city. Their savagery reached such a level that they stuffed the corpsesof children with explosives and tossed them into the streets in order to kill grieving parents attempting to retrieve the bodies of their young. This was the situation of our city until God prepared and delivered unto them the courageous soldiers of the 3d Armored Cavalry Regiment, who liberated this city, ridding it of Zarqawi’s followers after harsh fighting, killing many terrorists, and forcing the remaining butchers to flee the city like rats to the surrounding areas, where the bravery of other 3d ACR soldiers in Sinjar, Rabiah, Zuma and Avgani finally destroyed them.

I have met many soldiers of the 3d Armored Cavalry Regiment; they are not only courageous men and women, but avenging angels sent by The God Himself to fight the evil of terrorism.

The leaders of this Regiment; COL McMaster, COL Armstrong, LTC Hickey, LTC Gibson, and LTC Reilly embody courage, strength, vision and wisdom.

Officers and soldiers alike bristle with the confidence and character of knights in a bygone era. The mission they have accomplished, by means of a unique military operation, stands among the finest military feats to date in Operation Iraqi Freedom, and truly deserves to be studied in military science. This military operation was clean, with little collateral damage, despite the ferocity of the enemy. With the skill and precision of surgeons they dealt with the terrorist cancers in the city without causing unnecessary damage.

God bless this brave Regiment; God bless the families who dedicated these brave men and women. From the bottom of our hearts we thank the families. They have given us something we will never forget. To the families of those who have given their holy blood for our land, we all bow to you in reverence and to the souls of your loved ones. Their sacrifice was not in vain. They are not dead, but alive, and their souls hovering around us every second of every minute. They will never be forgotten for giving their precious lives. They have sacrificed that which is most valuable. We see them in the smile of every child, and inevery flower growing in this land. Let America, their families, and the world be proud of their sacrifice for humanity and life.

Finally, no matter how much I write or speak about this brave Regiment, I haven’t the words to describe the courage of its officers and soldiers. I pray to God to grant happiness and health to these legendary heroes and their brave families.

NAJIM ABDULLAH ABID

AL-JIBOURI

Mayor of Tall ‘Afar,

Ninewa, Iraq

Vietnam man handles three decades without sleep

30 years without sleep? That's nothing, one time I had the hiccups for five hours straight. I tried to kill myself eight times.

As songbirds awaken the early risers at dawn on the farm, one resident is already up; in fact, he never slept – not once in the past 33 years.

I thought not sleeping would cause serious hallucinations, and confusion, and other bad things to happen? How come this guy didn't have to waste his life away in bed like the rest of us?

Sixty-four-year-old Thai Ngoc, known as Hai Ngoc, said he could not sleep at night after getting a fever in 1973, and has counted infinite numbers of sheep during more than 11,700 consecutive sleepless nights.

Maybe the part of the brain that needs to sleep burned away from fever and now, Ngoc is some sort of superhero named Nocturno or something and he fights crime every night with his sleeping powder which has no affect on him but puts his enemies to sleep. I'm exhausted. This story is making me tired.

“I don’t know whether the insomnia has impacted my health or not. But I’m still healthy and can farm normally like others,” Ngoc said.

Oddly enough, Ngoc lives in a condo in the city. Maybe the sleepless nights are not as 'unaffecting' as he thinks.

Schwarzenegger Won't Stop Execution of Condemned Man

And why would he, he is the Terminator.

Schwarzenegger today denied clemency for Michael Morales, who is scheduled to be executed at San Quentin Prison on Tuesday for the murder of a young Lodi woman 25 years ago.

That must be so awkward for Morales. You know, you see all these Schwarzenegger movies and then, next thing you know, the man is making the final decision on whether or not you live or die. Ironically, last week Slyvester Stalone gave me a pass.

Lawyers for Morales described the 46-year-old Death Row inmate as a model prisoner and a "deeply repentant, sorrowful Christian, who has accepted full responsibility for a terrible crime that will haunt him forever."

Well, if he's Christian, he should be all excited about meeting Jesus.

Morales was convicted of raping and murdering 17-year-old Terri Winchell.

And then he found God. Isn't that always the way too? These muderers and rapists find God AFTER they do the dispictable act. How come they never find Jesus right before they tackle the innocent teenage girl to the ground?

No survivors found in Philippines

Whoa, what happened in the Philippines?

Rescuers found no new survivors on Saturday in an eastern Philippine village buried by a landslide, but officials remained hopeful that hundreds trapped under tons of mud were still alive.

Hundreds trapped under mud? That sucks. How long can one breathe under mud cause when a landslide is more of a snowslide, you know, an avalanche, you don't survive for very long. Hate to be the negative voice here but, well, you try reading the news every fucking day and see how positive an outlook you have. Been doing this for four months on now and there hasn't been even one happy ending.

At least 52 people have been confirmed dead in the disaster that practically wiped out Guinsaugon village.

Wiped out an entire village huh? See, there's no happy ending here.

The fatalities included a Briton identified as Rebor White, and a baby who died from severe injuries after being rescued.

Watch how depressing this story is going to get.
Warning:
This story is rated SG-55. For people under 55 senior guidence is suggested. Do not read the rest of this article around sharp objects.

"We're only digging up dead bodies here, some even mutilated body parts," said army Corporal Gregorio de los Santos, one of the soldiers digging through the mud using only shovels, pickaxes or their bare hands.

That's a hopeful outlook.

"The stench of dead bodies is becoming overpowering," he added.

And in one sentence Mr. Santos paints us a wonderous picture of a foreign land. Thanks Mr. Santos.

Colonel Raul Farnacio, head of the army rescue contingent, said rescuers had to leave some dead bodies behind to continue searching for survivors. "There's just too many dead bodies," he said.

I'm going to stop now cause if I keep going I'm going to wind up on a watertower, overlooking a shopping mall. And I'll be throwing the people flowers and reciting poetry. What did you think I was going to say?

Frat Accused In Alleged Goat Sex Hazing Incident

I want you all to listen to me very carefully. DO NOT have sex with goats. That's all we need, some type of goat flu or some shit. Can't you people just masturbate like normal human beings?

Some Bowling Green police officers found more than they bargained for after stopping by a Western Kentucky University fraternity party early Thursday.

When our parents send us to college, it's with the hope that we will find out who we truly are, determine the course of our lives, have a little fun while expanding our minds and building steps to a brighter future. This is the hope of our parents. I don't think any parents send their kids to college in the hopes they will discover the joys of bestiality by having sex with a goat.

The officers discovered a live goat stuffed into a storage room of the Alpha Gamma Ro house with no food or water.

No food, no water, and people were fucking it. I'm glad I didn't go to college. I wouldn't fit in. (I would have fed the goat)

Some of the students told police the goat was going to be used in a hazing ritual.

I don't think any 'club' is worth being a part of that only accepts members after they have sex with a goat. That's a club I'll pass on thanks.

The goat was sent to the Warren County Humane Society so it could be examined by a veterinarian.

Now the goat's going to need rape crisis therapy. Good work Americas future.

Billions more for wars, storms

We need more money to blow stuff up.

U.S. military spending for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan will rise to $115 billion for this year -- and nearly $400 billion since the fighting started -- under an emergency request the White House submitted Thursday.

You know, I have trouble paying the cable bill every month and that's only about $150.

A separate request for almost $19.8 billion in new hurricane relief funds would bring total spending in response to Katrina and Rita to more than $100 billion.

You'd think with $100 billion New Orleans would be spotlessly clean, habitable and have flying cars, and robots that clean the streets, machines that cook four course meals for you and be the first 'City of the Future'. Nope. It's still a shithole. A very expensive shithole.

White House dismisses UN report calling for closure of prison

Just out of curiousity, how come we expect Iran to cooperate with the UN when we basically tell the UN to go fuck themselves on a consistent basis?

The White House has dismissed a UN report that calls for the closure of the US prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

We can't close the prison. Tomorrow's finger-painting!

White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters on Thursday, that investigators who prepared the document discredited the United Nations by reporting allegations made by detainees without, as he put it, divulging into the facts.

What the fuck does that mean? You mean they released a report without really knowing the facts? Like saying a middle eastern country has weapons of mass destruction without really knowing...hold on, someone's banging at my door.
Alright, I'm back. Body cavity searches make me feel sad.

The UN report, issued earlier in the day, said that the US government is violating prisoners' rights to a fair trial and recommended that the US either try or release all detainees.

Well we can't release them cause they're not happy people and they might be bitter about the whole held without trial and mistreated and having their rights violated and all that. Can't have that now. Better to keep them locked away. Like the naughty children in my basement...hold on, door again.

About 500 prisoners are being held at Guantanamo on suspicion of links to al-Qaeda or the Taliban.

We really should try to prove their links though. I mean, imagine being held in prison for five years on suspicion of doing somthing you didn't do. In a foreign country. It would suck. Now I'm not saying we should let them go but I'm saying maybe an investigation is in order to try and figure out if these people are really bad guys or maybe, good guys who looked like bad guys but are now bad guys cause we treated them like shit.

Existence confirmed of Iraqi death squad

That doesn't sound pleasant.

The U.S. military confirmed yesterday that it had uncovered its own first direct evidence that a death squad was operating from Iraq's Shia-run Interior Ministry, targeting Sunni Muslims.

It wasn't evident enough after all the Sunni's found bound and shot in the back of the head after being lead off by police?

The Interior Ministry, itself the object of investigations involving abuse of prisoners, said it was looking into the allegations, related to U.S. military claims that four of 22 Iraqi police officers arrested at a checkpoint last month were planning to abduct and kill a Sunni.

I'm sorry, I can't help it, everytime I read that word Sunni I think of those little fishies.

The bodies of bound and gagged Sunnis, shot in the head, are routinely found in Baghdad, fuelling allegations of sectarian killings, which Sunni leaders blame on Shiites in army or police uniforms.

See, I told you.

Calif. girl's prosthetic legs stolen for 2nd time

What's worse than losing a leg in an accident? Losing the replacement. And what's worse than losing the replacement? The fact that you didn't lose it, that someone, most likely already in possession of all the legs they needs, stole it. Twice.

For the second time in three months, a 16-year-old California girl who lost a leg in an accident has had her artificial limbs stolen.

This should end the debate on whether we live in a sick fucking world or not. You can't steal from handicap people, it's like jerking off in a room full of people. Sure it feels nice but in the end, you look like a fucking psycho.

Melissa Huff, an Arcadia High School student who uses a $16,000 prosthetic limb to play softball for the school team and another one, valued at $12,000, for everyday use, said both were taken from her bedroom on Tuesday.

Oh man, and she used the leg to play sports. She used it to rise above the handicap status and exceed where others have failed and become an inspiration to all the one-leggers out there and you stole her legs? You're a piece of shit. And what are the chances two pieces of shit would go to the same high school as a girl with one leg? Actually, wait, I just remembered my high school.

"I was picking up my little brother from school when my mom called me and asked where I left the two prosthetic legs."

My mom used to yell at me for misplacing the television remote. If I had misplaced my legs she would have beat me until I knew Spanish.

Lisa Huff, her mother, said she came home around midday on Tuesday and found the room shared by Melissa and her older sister a mess. Only the prosthetic limbs were missing.

So someone broke into the house and only stole two prosthetic limbs? That's easy, just look for the person with four legs and you have your thief.
"It wasn't me it was the four legged man!" (I couldn't resist that one)
I don't know, sounds really weird. My friends and I did some crazy stuff when we were in high school but no one ever stopped and said, "Guys, I know where we could get some quality prosthetic limbs."

In November, thieves broke into the Huff residence and took just her prosthetic limb. After that incident, Melissa's prosthetist and a local real estate company donated about $16,000 for a new limb.
The stolen limb was discovered in the teenager's backyard about a month ago, apparently thrown there by the thieves.

Umm...Melissa...lock away your legs.

Melissa lost her real leg two years ago when a driver accidentally ran into her as she stood in front of her middle school.

I'm betting he's going to swerve.

Whoever's got this girls legs, give them back. Ans stop stealing from one-legged high school girls who play softball, they have enough problems without having to hop around the bases and to class and all. If I was Melissa's father and I found the fucking punk or punks that did this, oh man, I'd be in jail...again.

France loses battle on asbestos ship

I don't know sir, all of our soldiers just collapsed and started gasping for air.

France suffered a humiliating blow when President Jacques Chirac was forced to order home from the Arabian Sea the asbestos-laden former flagship of the French navy after environmentalists scuppered its planned break-up in an Indian scrapyard.

Ha-Ha you had to take your Death Ship back. Suckers.

Mr Chirac ordered the recall of Le Clemenceau, a former aircraft carrier, after France's highest court ordered it to stay out of Indian waters pending legal action by environmentalists.

Strangely enough, Le Clemenceau loosely translates to 'the ship that causes severe lung damage and eventually death'. So France, you can't go dumping your toxic ship in India so where are you going to dump it now? Psst...Canada might want it.

Abu Ghraib Images Spark Debate

Again?

A decision by an Australian television network to release more images of detainee abuse at Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison has set off a debate over the willingness of many media organizations to carry the gruesome pictures when they chose not to publish controversial cartoons depicting Mohammed.

Man, we are really, really just trying to get the Middle Easterners to self-destruct aren't we. Can we go one fucking day without the media publishing something to piss off the Muslims? If these people get any angrier they are going to reach a new step in human evolution and become beings of pure energy and then we're all fucked.

Seriously, whats the point of selling more newspapers if the outcome is a car bomb in the parking deck?

In explaining their decision not to reproduce the cartoons -- blamed for protests and violence in a number of Muslim countries -- some media representatives argued that doing so would unnecessarily inflame an already tense situation.

But that would be pointed at Australia, this is more pointed at Americans and British so that's okay. You guys are greedy little shits.

"Despite the currently overheated international climate, we are showing them because they show the extent of the horror that occurred at Abu Ghraib," Dateline host George Negus said in introducing the segment.

Oh, the naked human pyramid and the dog-chained insurgent weren't horrible enough? Can we just have our war without the visual aids please?

Abortions at home are safe - pilot study

There's a list of things you shouldn't do at home. This list includes things like surgery, nuclear enrichment, cheating on your spouse and, yup, abortion.

Women who are less than nine weeks pregnant can safely have medical abortions at home, according to the head of a government-backed pilot project.

Just throw yourselves down the stairs and hope for the best. I don't know if we should be offering abortions in home-kit form. I mean, I'm pro-choice but some things are just really, really wrong.

France says Iran has secret nuclear program

Well where have you been?

French Foreign Minister Philippe Douste-Blazy said on Thursday Iran was pursuing a clandestine military nuclear program.
"No civilian nuclear program can explain the Iranian nuclear program. So it is a clandestine Iranian military nuclear program," Douste-Blazy said.

Isn't this pretty much what the world has been saying for the last six months or so? Little behind on current events there pal.

"The international community has sent a very firm message by saying to the Iranians: 'Come back to reason. Suspend all nuclear activity and the enrichment of uranium and the conversion of uranium,"' he added.
"They are not listening to us."

Yes...we know.

Look, unless you're doing an impression of an echo, we know all this already. Iran is trying to build nuclear weapons, the world is telling them to stop, they're not stopping, Russia and China are pro-diplomatic solution and the rest of the world seems to be pro-bombing the shit out of them.
France, you're making yourselves look out-of-the-loop.

Batman to kick al-Qaeda's ass

That's right Al-Qaeda. We've got our pretend super heroes coming after you. Better watch out.

Batman may utilise his extensive knowledge of caves to fight his latest foe - al-Qaeda.

Holy suicide bombers Batman, is that an unmanned CIA Predator drone?
Don't worry Robin, we're on Pakistani soil and the CIA is not authorized - Foooosssshhhhh BOOM!!

Batman writer, Frank Miller, has told a comic-book convention that his upcoming novel, "Holy Terror, Batman!" is a piece of propaganda.
"Batman kicks al-Qaeda's ass," Miller said.

I should stop making fun of this cause I'm probably going to read it.

In the comic, Batman's hometown of Gotham City is attacked by terrorists, and the Caped Crusader sets out to settle the score.

You know what would be like ten times better than Batman kicking the shit out of Osama bin Laden? CATCHING HIM FOR FUCKING REAL!

Britain has new weapon against loitering youths -- Sonic Teenager Deterrent

That's it...that's the second sign of the apocalypse everybody. Only five more to go.

Shopkeepers in central England have been trying out a new device that emits an uncomfortable high-pitched noise designed to disperse young loiterers outside their stores without bothering adults.

It's called a police siren.

Police carrying out the pilot project in Staffordshire say some of those who have tested the "Sonic Teenager Deterrent," nicknamed the mosquito, have talked of buying one of their own.

Is there a big teenager-loitering problem in England? Roaming gangs of loitering youths bent on taking up space on sidewalks. Another epidemic?

"The noise can normally only be heard by those between 12 and 22 and it makes the listener feel uncomfortable," she added. Once in their early 20s, people lose their capacity to hear sounds at such a high pitch.

Especially when people are shooting high pitch squeals into their ears on a daily basis.
You know, teenagers feel isolated enough as it is, there is really no need to further the perception. They got their hormones going crazy, they're growing hair in places they didn't have hair before, they're getting funny feelings when someone of the opposite sex walks by, (or the same sex for those of them that, you know, play for the pink team) and now people are blowing dog whistles at them.
When you're a teenager you need guidance and love and help. Not anti-loitering systems directed at you personally. It takes the whole village to fuck up a child.

Pakistani Cartoon Protests Largest Yet

Oh boy, they're going for a record.

Gunfire and rioting erupted Wednesday as more than 70,000 people joined Pakistan's biggest protest yet against Prophet Muhammad cartoons, burning movie theaters, a KFC restaurant and a South Korean- run bus station. Three people died and dozens were injured in two cities, police and witnesses said.

Don't these people have anything better to do? Even the L.A. Riots died down after a while when the reruns ended on TV.

The massive crowd went on a rampage in the northwestern city of Peshawar, torching businesses and fighting police, who struck back with tear gas and batons. It was the third straight day of violent demonstrations in the Islamic nation.

So Muslims are killing Muslims in protests of Danish cartoons that depict Islam as a violent religion. Alrighty then.

Deadly bird flu spreads to Germany, Austria, Iran

Time to take Polly out back and put one in his head.

Three more countries said on Tuesday they had detected cases of deadly bird flu in wild swans, with Germany, Iran and Austria the latest to find the virus that has killed 91 people worldwide.

Stay away from those wild swans, you don't know where they been. So as the bird flu runs rampant across the globe I'm left to wonder if I have enough Dayquil. 91 people worldwide huh? Scary stuff. Don't more people die everyday from marshmellow-related injuries?

Experts had said it was only a matter of time before the H5N1 strain dangerous to humans broke out in Iran, a wintering place for wildfowl that may be carriers. Neighboring Iraq, Azerbaijan and Turkey had already reported outbreaks.

Think they blame Allah being unhappy about all the cartoon protests or something? Probably not. I have a feeling this is all Israel's fault, and the US of course because we build birds or something.

Woman May Have Exposed 100 Sex Partners To HIV

Slut.

A woman in Missouri who was charged with knowingly exposing her boyfriend to HIV may have had as many as 100 sex partners, according to the girl's mother.

Whore.

Angela Harris, 26, of St. Charles was charged with three counts of recklessly exposing a 42-year-old man to HIV infection.

Bitch.

New 'Allah' doc ready to raise a ruckus

Obviously some people think the Muslims aren't angry enough.

Sandi Dubowski, who won the Teddy gay and lesbian award in 2001 for his controversial doc "Trembling Before G-d," may cause an even bigger stir with "In the Name of Allah," which explores the struggles of homosexual Muslims.

And you thought they were pissed about the cartoons. Why don't we, as a planet, just all go to the Middle East and poke all the Muslims with a stick on a continous basis? I'm not advocating tip-toeing around these people, or sacrificing my civil liberties in order to keep them just below the murderous rage level. My problem is the next line in the article:

Dubowski vows to screen pic in every Muslim nation.

Why? Has anything in the past, I don't know, century or two given you any indication that the Muslim masses in the Middle East might enjoy this flick? They are threatening cartoonists with decapitation. Cartoonists. These people draw funny things, like cats who are fat and hate Mondays or a pussy-whipped Viking that has a stupid friend. The Muslims want these peoples blood and you think that the Islamic version of Brokeback Mountain that has 'Allah' in the title is going to be well-received?

Fair warning everyone.

State told to change lethal injection mix

Go light on the Drain-O.

A judge ruled Tuesday that California must change its injection method for an execution next week, saying the current drug mix may constitute cruel and unusual punishment.

Does it really matter what they inject you with if the outcome is death?

U.S. District Judge Jeremy Fogel said that inmates may be conscious and undergoing extreme pain during execution.

Hey, remember the electric chair? That didn't look like a smooth ride into the here-after. So, let me get this straight, it's cruel and unusual to kill someone painfully but if you kill them all nice and easy-like, then it's okay? Does it really matter? How about this. If a condemned inmate comes back from the dead and says the lethal injection hurt, we'll change the method.

The lethal injection method involves a sedative, a paralyzing agent and then a heart-stopping drug.

Heart stopping drug? Who was the poor sonofabitch who discovered that one?
" Ah, my stomach feels a lot better, but, whoa, I'm so cold..."
What possible use, other than killing people, could a heart stopping drug have. Sure it cures a headache but so does Advil.

Iran begins feeding nuclear centrifuges--official

Lucky for us, they're feeding them Wonder Bread.

Iran has begun feeding uranium hexafluoride gas into centrifuges at its pilot nuclear fuel enrichment facility at Natanz, an official close to the U.N. nuclear watchdog agency said on Tuesday.

I guess that's a bad thing. Oh well, I'm just curious as to what move exactly Iran will make that will cause western society to turn the country into a Mad Max movie set.

Hunter shot by Cheney has heart attack

Anyone get that gut feeling that maybe Whittington had his head blown off by our Vice President on Saturday and they're just breaking the news gently?

The 78-year-old lawyer who was shot by Vice President Dick Cheney in a hunting accident has some birdshot lodged in his heart and he had a "minor heart attack," a hospital official said Tuesday.

Birdshot lodged in his heart?! That doesn't sound much like a "stable" considtion.

He said there was an irregularity in the heartbeat caused by a birdshot pellet, and doctors performed a cardiac catheterization. Whittington expressed a desire to leave the hospital, but Banko said he would probably stay for another week.

Of course he wants to leave the hospital. Cheney knows where he is. He come back to finish the job. You don't understand. The Vice President is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

Whittington had initially been placed in intensive care. He had been moved to a "step-down unit" Monday after doctors decided to leave several birdshot pellets lodged in his skin rather than try to remove them.

The man has a pellet lodged in his fucking heart. And what the fuck is a "step-down unit"? Sounds like the last stop before the hearse.

'Jaws' author Peter Benchley dies

Ironically he was pulled off a boat by the biggest fucking shark I've ever seen...nah I'm just messing...he was mauled by a Grizzly.

Peter Benchley, best known for his novel Jaws, died Saturday at home in New Jersey, his wife said Sunday. He was 65.

Why'd she wait till Sunday to report his death? What's with the double standard?

Anyway, adios to a legend amongst shark lovers, giant squid hunters and other nasty sea creature fans. One of the first novels I ever read was Peter Benchley's 'Beast'.

Wendy Benchley said he died of idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis, a scarring of the lungs.

Sadly caused by a tussle a few years ago between Benchley, a giant squid and a local shark hunter.

Iraq council boycotts British troops over video

Well, we westerners sure do love keeping the Muslims mad at us don't we? Maybe our medias need to stop pissing off the Middle East. You know, lose a tape or roll of film every once in a fucking while.

Councillors in southern Iraq have voted to maintain a boycott of British-led forces after the release of a video apparently showing British troops beating Iraqi teenagers in 2004.

Alright, explain to me if you will, how exactly do you boycott occupying soldiers? If you ignore them, they're going to beat the shit out of you. You have proof of that.
And if this happened in 2004, why the fuck is it coming out now in 2006? Did the media decide Iraqis were getting a little too comfortable around British soldiers? Maybe the media wanted to see more British soldiers come under attack so they could report more bad news and sell more papers. Something to think about no? New York Times does it every few weeks.

Hundreds of protestors also marched to the headquarters of British troops in Basra and called on them to leave Iraq.

Must be weird. Soldiers want to go home. The Iraqis want the soldiers to go home. But yet, no one can go home. Except the Iraqis cause they are home. Hehe...I forgot the point I was trying to make.

Saddam and co-defendants 'on hunger strike'

I've tried to tell you this before. Hunger strikes only work when people don't want you to die. Otherwise, you're just playing genie and granting wishes.

Saddam Hussein today told the court trying him for the deaths of nearly 150 Shia Muslim men and boys that he had gone on a hunger strike to protest at the recently-appointed chief judge.

That'll show them all. Here's what you do Saddam. Don't eat anything for a few months and BAM!, you won't have to worry about the recently-appointed chief judge any longer. I think Saddam just handed down the death penalty to himself. Poor guy, still thinks he's in charge.

The ousted dictator began the session in much the same way as his previous appearances, shouting his support for Iraqi insurgents and insulting the chief judge.

A tactic that did not work well for me when I was trying to fight that speeding ticket, by the way.

His half-brother and co-defendant, Barzan Ibrahim al-Tikriti, wore long underwear for the second consecutive day to demonstrate his rejection of the court and said he was on a hunger strike too.

Protested in his underwear? Didn't Michael Jackson do something similiar? Do people have to pay to attend this trial cause shit, this would be better than any Broadway play out there. This IS reality television ladies and gentlemen. Scary huh?

Questions mount over Cheney shooting

Guns don't shoot people, the Vice President of the United States shoots people. Now I know I did a story on this yesterday but now, instead of people shocked and awed by Cheney emptying birdshot into the side of his friends face, now they're questioning just how come it took over 24 hours for the story to be told.
Well, that's easy, it's because the Vice President of the United States shot someone in the face. They might want to get a handle on that story before it hits the shelves and airwaves. You know, to save us the embarassment of having an idiot for a President and a bloodthirsty maniac as a Vice President.

The man shot by US Vice-President Dick Cheney on Saturday in a hunting accident is reported to be in a stable condition in a Texas hospital, but debate rages in Washington over why news of the shooting was suppressed by the Bush Administration until Sunday morning.

Are we really all that surprised that the fact Vice President Dick Cheney blasted Harry Whittington, a 78-year-old millionaire Texas lawyer, in the face is something that maybe they didn't want the press to know until all the facts were in? I mean, it took us a day or two to hear that President Bush choked himself unconscious eating some pretzels. Maybe that was so they could know whether he suffered any brain damage from the incident. (I still can't tell if he did or not)

The news came not from the Administration or Mr Cheney's office, but from one of the owners of the ranch where the shooting took place who contacted the local paper.

Yeah, so?

There also were questions about why Mr Cheney's Secret Service detail turned away a local sheriff's deputy, who turned up at the Armstrong ranch at which Mr Cheney had been hunting to investigate the shooting.

Cheney accidently shoots fellow hunter

Well so much for destroying the world's impression of Americans being gun-toting, trigger happy maniacs. Thanks a lot Mr. Vice President.

A 78-year-old hunting companion of US Vice President Dick Cheney was recovering in stable condition after Cheney accidentally shot him during a weekend quail hunting trip, a hospital official said.

I hope it was accidental, I really, really do. But then again, I am convinced that Cheney is pure evil incarnate. Why? Cause he argues against gay marriage while his daughter is a lesbian and I would never trust a man who wouldn't stand up for his child.

Harry Whittington, an attorney from Austin, Texas, was flown to the hospital after Cheney accidentally shot him late on Saturday afternoon at the Armstrong Ranch, hitting him with birdshot.

I have a feeling Whittington now agrees to something he didn't agree to Saturday.

Whittington sent word through a hospital official that he would have no comment on the incident out of respect for Cheney.

And the lives of his loved ones.

Iran crosses 'red line' in nuclear stand-off

The fireworks are going to start, grab a chair.

Iran has started to inject uranium feedstock gas into centrifuges at its Natanz nuclear facility, crossing an internationally agreed "red line" on the path to producing the material for atomic weapons.

Popcorn! Get your popcorn! Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs!

Shows about to start...sshhh.

On behalf of the American people let me just say to the Iranians, I'm sorry, but you might want to duck.

Man arrested in UK 'abuse' video investigation

I've seen this video and let me tell you, boy, that is one old-fashioned passionate ass-kickings.

British military police said they had arrested one man in their investigation of a video that appeared to show soldiers abusing prisoners in Iraq.

For those of you that haven't seen the video. It shows a group of Iraqis and then British soldiers hauling ass after them. A cut to the British soldiers bringing three or four Iraqis into a gated area and proceeding to beat the ever-loving shit out of them with batons and fists. The Iraqis can be heard screaming for help as the cameraman mocks their pleas and eggs on the beatings.
It reminded me of summer camp.

Now, there's two sides to this story. One, soldiers shouldn't be beating Iraqis. Can't win hearts and minds when the hearts are bruised and the minds bleeding from the ears and nose. But take into consideration this, the soldiers are under attack everyday. They've seen their friends killed by an insurgency that is shrouded in secrecy. Anyone is a potential enemy. Under those conditions, yes, the stress can build up to a boiling point and explode on the enemy.

Now, that said, I think the first outways the second. Beating Iraqis will incite more insurgency. You can't let that happen, or at least, don't fucking film it you flipping morons. Jesus haven't you people learned anything from the Abu Ghraib pictures. STOP PUTTING THAT SHIT ON FILM!

Saddam trial descends into chaos

This is maybe the fifteenth headline I've seen regarding Saddam Hussein's trial descending into chaos. If it descends anymore into chaos it's going to rip a hole in the space-time continuum.

Saddam Hussein, forced last night to attend the latest session of his trial, was looking haggard and wearing a robe rather than his usual crisp suit as he shouted, "Down with Bush".

Unfortunately, with the Middle East's infamous mistreatment of women, we're unsure with "Bush" he was talking about.

His top co-defendant and half-brother Barzan Ibrahim Hassan al-Tikriti, wearing a white undershirt, struggled with guards bringing him into the court.

Anybody think this trial is going to have any other outcome other than death for the accused? I didn't think so.

The former Iraqi leader and his seven co-defendants had vowed not to attend the trial until the return of their lawyers. The defence team is boycotting the proceedings until chief judge Rauf Rasheed Abdel-Rahman is removed, alleging he is biased against their clients.

So the lawyers aren't coming to court. Interesting defense strategy let's see how that works out for them.

Before taking his seat, Saddam shouted, waving his pointed finger: "Down with the agents. Down with Bush. Long live the nation."

Yes, long live Iraq. Their future looks a bit brighter with you gone. I guess when the car bombs stop. But hey, you know, que sera sera. Personally all this Muslim outrage and aggression and chaos is making me a bit tired. You are a bunch of unhappy people that just refuse to get along with others and then act surprised and outraged when those 'others' go against you whether it be by military force or by printing offensive cartoons in their newspapers. You reap what you sow.

NY Plows Through Record Snow

Hey look, some news that actually directly affects me.

A nor'easter enveloped New York City in dense, whirling snow on Sunday, sending Manhattanites out to convenience stores in ski goggles and depositing more than 26 inches of snow in Central Park — the largest amount on record.

The drive to work this morning was horrible. My office had a delayed opening (isn't that cute, just like school) and I was still an hour late. Luckily, no one in their right mind came to work today so no one noticed I was tardy.

There's really not much to say about this story other than I hate driving in the snow. I saw nine accidents on the road during my morning commute. (I counted cause I'm observant) Yeah, so, lots of snow. Let's move on.

Sunday Sign of Hope 2/12/06

Big Easy ushers in Mardi Gras Jawing

From CNN:

This city's battered residents put their months of heartache, frustration and anger on parade Saturday, in effigies, blue-tarp trailers and themes like "Fridge Over Troubled Water," and gave themselves the first of many desperately needed Mardi Gras laughs.

The Krewe du Vieux, a satirical group that has used its parade to mock corporations and politicians every year for the last two decades, featured carts with effigies of Mayor Ray Nagin and Gov. Kathleen Blanco, among other things.

"It's good we can laugh at ourselves," said spectator Robert Elmwood, 77. "It means the spirit is still alive. After all the grim things, we've prevailed."

Mardi Gras has long been an occasion for the city to laugh at tragedy and aim barbs at authorities, and given all the pain New Orleans has suffered in the past year the irreverence should reach new heights this season.

Armed with sharp tongues and images such as the blue tarps that still protect broken roofs across the city, the clubs that stage Mardi Gras parades are targeting Hurricane Katrina and the politicians they blame for the chaotic response to the catastrophe.

One display in the Krewe du Vieux parade Saturday asked France to buy Louisiana back, suggesting the state might get better treatment than it has from the American government.

Dressed as a pink flamingo and accompanying a cart fashioned to resemble a FEMA trailer, Sally Durkin of Mississippi said the satire is helping to heal the city.

"There's so much despair around it all," she said. "Sometimes you have to just take it on the chin and have some humor about it, or we all go crazy."

Still, in the midst of revelry and satire, even the city known as the Big Easy has a serious side.

The Zulu Social Aid & Pleasure Club, a 90-year-old historically black group that holds one of the city's most beloved Mardi Gras parades, lit 10 candles at a service in honor of club members who have died since the storm. They lit an eleventh candle to honor the hundreds of people killed by Katrina.

X-Rated Fortune Cookies Accidentally Served At Fundraiser

Oh so sorry. Fortune cookie tell you to suck penis.

A Chinese Year of the Dog fundraiser went, well ... to the dogs, when a box of fortune cookies with "triple X" rated" messages was inadvertently delivered to the event hosted by the Brooklyn borough president.

I wish I could have been there.

A box of 350 cookies stuffed with "the most graphically lurid" fortunes -- somehow got mixed up with a batch of 1,750 cookies ordered for the fundraiser, Borough President Marty Markowitz said Friday.
Some guests "were stunned, to say the least," said Markowitz.

And for some reason most the guests hurried home right after they opened their cookies.

The restaurant manager was informed on the spot that the error was "reprehensible," and asked to write a formal letter of apology, which he agreed to do, Markowitz said.

Oh come on...we're all adults. Guarenteed you all have DONE the things the fortune cookie said. Stop acting like your shit don't stink. Laugh it off, it's fucking funny.

Markowitz, who wasn't wearing his eyeglasses, had the "fortunes" read to him by some of the guests, and "I finally realized what happened," he said.

"What's my fortune honey"
"Apparently sweetheart, you're headed down the golden road towards a mean ass fucking"

Woman arrested after human head found in luggage

I'm sorry ma'am but you can't carry that on. You'll have to check it.
So officially you can now carry small scissors onto a plane but still, no human heads. Oh grow up TSA.

Airport screeners found a human head with teeth, hair and skin in the luggage of a woman who said she intended to ward off evil spirits with it.

Well it didn't work for whoever's head that is. All you managed to ward off was your flight...and probably your freedom.

Myrlene Severe, 30, a Haitian-born permanent U.S. resident, was arrested and charged Friday with smuggling a human head into the U.S. without proper documentation.

There's proper documentation to smuggle a human head? I did not know that. Interesting.
"Oh my god! He's got a human head in his bag."
"Wait, wait...I have the proper documentation."
"Oh, our fault, have a nice flight sir. "

Valley of Kings tomb found; first since King Tut's

They found some really old dead people in the sand. This is news?

Through a partially opened underground door, Egyptian authorities gave a peek Friday into the first new tomb uncovered in the Valley of the Kings since that of King Tutankhamun in 1922. U.S. archaeologists said they discovered the tomb by accident while working on a nearby site.

See, it just goes to prove that you never know what your standing on. Just think, here they are, in the Valley of the Kings where ancient Egyptians buried royalty and stuff and BAM, they find a tomb. And they're all surprised?

Still unknown whose mummies they are in the five wooden sarcophagi with painted funeral masks.

Who's writing this article, fucking Yoda? "Still unknown the mummies is. Powerful with the force, this place is."

Russian leaders reach out to rogue regimes

By inviting Hamas leaders to Moscow, President Vladimir Putin is reaffirming Russia's desire to act as a top mediator between the West and its adversaries - a role that has given the Kremlin a lot of limelight even if it is unlikely to lead to any diplomatic breakthroughs.

Russia just wants a little attention there's nothing wrong with that. With all this war on terror, the Iraqi war, the war in Afghanistan, the Iran nuclear crisis, Hamas in political power in Palestine, Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Rita, we forgot to play catch with Russia. What do you say Russia, you want to throw the ball around?

Moscow's active involvement in the Iranian nuclear crisis and its attempt to win leverage with Hamas reflect Russia's growing ambitions, buoyed by an oil-driven economic boom.

Good for you guys, having your own little economic boom. Wish we could have one. What is it exactly cause it sounds really cool?