Pope Benedict XVI Names New Cardinals

This one is Charlie and this one is Henry, and the little guy is called Pepe'.

Pope Benedict XVI named 15 new cardinals Wednesday, including John Paul II's longtime private secretary and prelates from Boston and Hong Kong, adding his first installment to the elite group of churchmen who will elect his successor.

I grew up Roman Catholic. I still have no idea what this means. Where do cardinals rank on the "larger hat means more important" scale in the Catholic church?

Benedict read aloud the names during his weekly general audience and said they would be elevated during a March 24 ceremony at the Vatican.

Elevated? You mean, like, carried around on the shoulders of priests or, like, body surfing? I'd go to church more often if priests finished their sermons with a "Peace I'm out!" and a stage dive.

Those chosen to receive the "red hats" that the so-called princes of the church wear include the archbishops of Caracas, Venezuela; Seoul, South Korea; Bordeaux, France; Toledo, Spain; and Manila, Philippines.

Oh...red hats. You're going places now, probably heaven. I on the other hand, will probably need to sneak in. Don't worry, I know a guy.