Damnit Earth Goes on Hiatus

For a short time, Damnit Earth will not be updated? Why? Is the government shutting me down? No. I'm going on vacation and I won't have internet access for a few weeks. So while I visit the Pacific coast of the US for a much needed relaxing few weeks of, well, relaxing, there will be no news. That's right, no news at all. The world will pause while I'm gone.

Actually, with my luck, major stories will break while I'm gone and, after almost a full year of daily updates, I'll miss all the good shit. Oh well. So Earth, take it easy while I'm gone. Try not to let too much major shit happen until I get back.

Oh, and on November 14th, Damnit Earth will be one whole year old. I'll do my best to get to a computer on that day to post some emotional crap. Enjoy my vacation all.

'Aliens could attack at any time' warns former British MoD chief

As if we didn't have enough to worry about.

UFO sightings and alien visitors tend to be solely the reserve of sci-fi movies. So when a former MoD chief warns that the country could be attacked by extraterrestrials at any time, you may be forgiven for feeling a little alarmed.

A little? Man I saw War of the Worlds. I know what those bastards are capable of. No place is safe. They're coming. And they want our IPods.

During his time as head of the Ministry of Defence UFO project, Nick Pope was persuaded into believing that other lifeforms may visit Earth and, more specifically, Britain.

Those spacecraft must get fantastic gas mileage.

His concern is that "highly credible" sightings are simply dismissed.

When laser beams start destroying the world's most famous tourist attractions, which, if TV hasn't been lying to me for years, is exactly the first thing aliens do when they attack, then I'll start to worry. Until then, I'm more concentrated on Mohammed sitting in the back of the plane wearing the puffy jacket, sweating and reciting verses from the Koran to himself.

And he complains that the project he once ran is now "virtually closed" down, leaving the country "wide open" to aliens.

If anyone has weapons of mass destruction...

And while Mr Pope says that there is no evidence of hostile intent, he insists it cannot be ruled out.

Let's strike first then. Everyone start throwing rocks into the air. We'll show those bastards.
In all honesty though, if aliens want to conquer the Earth, go right the fuck ahead. They can't do any worse than we have.

Rumsfeld Acknowledges Rocky Turn in Iraq

Amazing how quickly stories change when someone is no longer worried about their job.

A day after being ousted as secretary of defense, Donald H. Rumsfeld today defended the U.S. military's initial invasion of Iraq but said the bloody three-year aftermath "has not been going well enough or fast enough."

Are we all surprised? Does Runsfeld actually think he had us all fooled?

"There have been very impressive things that have been accomplished" in Iraq, Rumsfeld said in an address at Kansas State University.

That's true. They voted, we caught Saddam and put his two sons in the dirt. There was also some other good things that have happened but damned if they weren't eclipsed but the mountain of unimpressive shit that has gone down.

"The country has drafted a constitution. The schools are open. The hospitals are open. They have a stock market. They have a free press."

Unfortunately, no one follows the constitution, parents are afraid to send their children to school and hospitals, well, there's been a ton of overtime available for those who work there. They have a stock market? I'm sorry, excuse me for not assuming Iraq's economy is booming. At least, not while everything else there is booming.

But those accomplishments, he added, must be weighed "against the fact that there's violence and sectarian violence . . . and that people are being killed and Muslims are being killed by violent extremist Muslims."

Anyone else have a funny feeling which way the scale's going?

Donald Rumsfeld steps down

Big news of the day, the man responsible for the clusterfuck in Iraq has finally taken a little responsiblity and quit his job. I hear they're hiring at McDonalds, try not to liberate the McNuggets.

Donald H. Rumsfeld (74) stepped down as U.S. Defence Secretary on Wednesday, one day after Congressional elections in which opposition to the war in Iraq contributed to heavy Republican party losses.

I wish this development would actually change things in Iraq but it will not.

Making the announcement at a press conference, U.S. President George W. Bush said he would nominate Robert Gates, a former Central Intelligence Agency director, to replace him.

Now the CIA's in the White House. Only a matter of time before I'm being tortured for downloading music on the internet.

Asked whether his announcement signalled a new direction in the war that has claimed the lives of more than 2,800 U.S. troops and thousands of Iraqis, Mr. Bush said, ``Well, there's certainly going to be new leadership at the Pentagon.''

Translation: Nope.

Mr. Bush lavished praise on Mr. Rumsfeld, who has spent six stormy years at the Pentagon.

Stormy? No, Hurricane Katrina was stormy. Rumsfeld was biblical.

Voters Reject Abortion, Gay Marriage Ban

Looks like people got sick of the Republican's pushing the line of church and state thinner and thinner. See world, it may take us Americans a little while to come to our senses but we get there.

In a triple setback for conservatives, South Dakota rejected a law that would have banned virtually all abortions, Arizona became the first state to defeat an amendment to ban gay marriage and Missouri approved a measure backing stem cell research.

All these issues as I can see are more about common sense than moral choice. If a person is against gay marriage, well, then don't marry someone of your own sex. If you're against abortion than by all means, have your child. If you're against stem cell research then when you are diagnosed with a debilitating disease then don't tell anyone and slowly pass away without medication. This way you've actually stood up for what you believe without infringing on other peoples freedom. Cool isn't it?

Many voters said they viewed the measure - which lost by a 55-45 margin - as too intrusive, using language that failed to guarantee the rights of victims of rape and incest.

Could this mean that the people of America are coming to their senses? Could this be the beginning of the revolution that will finally give the power back to the masses, cause the government to be "by the people,for the people" again? Probably not. But at least you can marry that flaming homosexual at the office you pretend to hate but secretively are fascinated with and really actually "dig" those bright colors he wears to work.

Arnie gets a re-run

The Governator was voted back into office. It's another sequel.

With four words — "I love doing sequels" — Arnold Schwarzenegger summarised his joy at being re-elected as Californian Governor in a landslide win yesterday.

Oh, I was just joking about the sequel thing. Man, he stole my joke. Or does this mean that I think in a similiar manner to Arnold Schwarzenegger? Oh shit. That means I have the same comedy style of the guy who starred in Kindergarten Cop. This is an eye opener for me. Well, I guess I'm done blogging. I have to find Sarah Connor and then get my ass to Mars.

The actor-turned-Republican politician crushed Democrat challenger Phil Angelides, drawing approximately 61 per cent of Californian votes.

They love their movie stars over there in Cali.

Computer Glitches Frustrating Voters

"I tried to vote Democrat and the next thing I knew I had just purchase a video camera at Amazon.com"

Technical problems with new voting machines frustrated some voters in Indiana, Pennsylvania, Michigan, New Jersey and several other states as voting got underway this morning, but the computer glitches and other delays did not appear to be widespread or politically motivated, election monitors said.

Oh good, it wasn't widespread. Only about 5 or 6 states couldn't vote.

With roughly a third of Americans casting ballots on new voting equipment, the two major parties fielded teams of lawyers and poll watchers ready to contest any irregularities.

I'm so happy to see our US culture relying on computers more and more. That way, when our country gets a Windows Error, we can consult the manuel on how to proceed as a whole.

Republicans were particularly on the lookout for voter fraud or illegal casting of ballots. Democrats were wary of voter suppression, or attempts to keep legitimate voters from the polls.

Hey, can we reboot the country?

Two-year-old Emirati boy held as airport threat

Al-qaeda's getting desperate.

A two-year-old Emirati boy was briefly held at Dubai airport after he appeared on a list of wanted security suspects.

He was immediately flown to Guantanamo Bay and deprived use of his "binky".

Immigration officers approached toddler Suhail Saleh's parents as they wheeled their son's pram to a flight to Turkey last month for a holiday and told them he was not allowed to fly, Emirates Today reported Tuesday.

The boy was quoted as saying, "Ba-goo-dah-dah, Death to America!"

"I thought he was joking and said 'take him if you want,'" his father Abdullah told the daily.

Shouldn't joke about that cause they'll take him. In all fairness though, the boy was wearing Fisher Price's new "My First Suicide Vest".

The infant was eventually allowed to fly after a probe revealed he was on the wanted list by mistake.

You think? I feel safer.

US 'suburbs more violent than Iraq'

I don't know about that. I live in the US suburbs and I can't remember the last time someone blew themselves up at the supermarket.

MORE fighting goes on in parts of suburban US than Iraq, according to Australian filmmaker George Gittoes who has just finished a documentary set in a Miami "war zone".

No offense to those of you down under but I'm not sure that an Australian filmmaker is qualified to make that accessment. Maybe Miami has some bad areas, but how many people are killed by roadside bombs and snipers on those sunny beaches?

Gittoes' latest feature, Rampage, contrasts life for a family living in the blue-collar community of Brown Sub, Miami, with ongoing fighting in Iraq.

It's one thing to struggle against a corrupt government here in the US that has ignored us blue collar workers for years. Sure it sucks. I work in an area of the US that I can't afford to live in. The money I take home barely pays the bills. However, I don't get shot at. If I did, I would move. There's a limit to the bullshit I'm willing to take.

"It is much worse in Miami than it is in Baghdad," Gittoes said in Sydney today.

So, let's overthrow the Miami regime.

"There is a sense of people with guns, drug dealers lairing at you ... and being there, I knew I was in a war zone."

If you want to cause controversy so people will see your movie drive around drunk and make fun of Jews. No one is going to buy that Miami is worse than Baghdad. If it is and I'm wrong then, why are there people still living in Miami? Move to Baghdad, where it's safe.

Man ordered to wear "sex offender" T-shirt

I molested children and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

A Delaware judge on Friday ordered a man who twice exposed himself to a 10-year-old girl at his workplace to wear a T-shirt with the words: "I am a registered sex offender" in bold letters, a prosecutor said.

That'll teach him. Either that or prison. Why not prison?

Russell Teeter, 69, who pleaded guilty to two counts of indecent exposure, also was sentenced to 60 days in jail by Superior Court Judge Jan Jurden in Wilmington.

100 bucks says he gets his ass kicked repeatedly. Any takers?

Deputy Attorney General Donald Roberts said he requested the unusual T-shirt punishment because he was concerned about Teeter exposing himself to children at the gardening business he runs with his wife.

Then put him in jail. Ever hear of an overshirt? Or a jacket? Thinks me found a loophole.

Dolphin with four-wheel drive stuns the scientists

The world is changing and I don't think we humans are in on it.

As they leap over the waves and perform their extraordinary acrobatic feats, dolphins are the embodiment of water-borne grace.

Obviously you've never seen my belly-flop.
Experts believe that the dolphin's ancestor was a dog-like creature which roamed the earth many millions of years ago. And now the extraordinary discovery of a bottlenosed dolphin with an extra set of flippers has provided living proof of the theory.

People are cows, dolphins are dogs and birds were once dinosaurs. Remind me why most of us worry about the future?

At first glance it looks like any other of its kind. But closer inspection reveals a rogue set of rear fins.

So? I saw a guy with six fingers on his right hand. He didn't make the papers. In fact, the only thing he got was the nickname freakboy.
Each the size of a human hand, the fins are thought to be the remains of a pair of hind legs , adding to evidence that dolphins once walked on all fours.

Its either the remains of a pair of hind legs or all that shit we dump in the ocean.

Plan to create human-cow embryos

Why?

UK scientists have applied for permission to create embryos by fusing human DNA with cow eggs.

This is just great news if you're a cannibal. The next time you go off your rocker and decide to kill and eat someone, they'll be delicious with lettuce, tomato and fries.

The hybrid human-bovine embryos would be used for stem cell research and would not be allowed to develop for more than a few days.

I hate to sound like one of those hypocritical god-people, but this experimentation we are doing is bordering on disatrous. Haven't these scienctists seen Resident Evil? Fucking with this kind of stuff always causes zombie outbreaks and if the movies have taught me anything, nothing's worse than a zombie outbreak.

The problem is that human eggs for research are in short supply and to obtain them women have to undergo surgery. That is why scientists want to use cows' eggs as a substitute.

Hey ladies, science is saying theres no difference between you and cows. Not trying to cause a fight but I think that means they're saying you look a little fat in those jeans.

Sunday Sign of Hope November 5th 2006

Saddam Hussein sentenced to hang

From National Post:

Saddam Hussein was convicted and sentenced Sunday to hang for crimes against humanity in the 1982 killings of 148 people in a single Shiite town, as the ousted leader, trembling and defiant, shouted "God is great!"

As he, his half brother and another senior official in his regime were convicted and sentenced to death by the Iraqi High Tribunal, Saddam yelled out, "Long live the people and death to their enemies. Long live the glorious nation, and death to its enemies!" Later, his lawyer said the former dictator had called on Iraqis to reject sectarian violence and refrain from revenge against U.S. forces.

Six Arab states join rush to go nuclear

Well Earth, we had a good run.

Algeria, Egypt, Morocco, Tunisia, UAE and Saudi Arabia seek atom technology.

Suddenly the "rockets red glare" part of the US National Anthem takes on a whole new meaning.

THE SPECTRE of a nuclear race in the Middle East was raised yesterday when six Arab states announced that they were embarking on programmes to master atomic technology.

The next decade should be an interesting one, and probably the last one as well. Hey, anyone know how to build a bomb shelter?

The move, which follows the failure by the West to curb Iran’s controversial nuclear programme, could see a rapid spread of nuclear reactors in one of the world’s most unstable regions, stretching from the Gulf to the Levant and into North Africa.

One of the worlds most unstable regions? That's putting it gently. I would have wrote, "could see a rapid spread of nuclear reactors in the worlds nucleus of chaos and widespread violence". And the title of this article would have been "World's fucked."

Prominent Evangelical leader admits to purchasing narcotics

Well...I guess there was an eighth day.

A well known leader of the Evangelical Church is under fire after allegations surface of a sex scandal involving a male prostitute. Ted Haggard admitted Friday to buying drugs from his accuser.

Ever hear the saying "Practice what you preach"? Yeah...he didn't.

He has resigned as the president of the 30 million-member National Association of Evangelicals.
Oh no. Why?

The moves come after Mike Jones, a self described male escort, said Haggard came to him for sex and drugs about once a month, for 3 years.

It's a simple mistake. You see, when Teddy's pastor told him as a little boy, "And on the seventh day he rested." Teddy thought he said, "On the seventh day He rested...with a male prostitute and got high." It's a common mistake, apparently.
Regarding the accusations, Haggard stated, "I called him to buy some meth, but threw it away."

Waste not little Teddy. There are addicts in Cali dying for a fix. Be grateful that the good Lord gave you the ability to purchase illicit drugs from gay drug dealers. Isn't it funny when these "do-gooders" and "holier-than-thou" types forget that your private life doesn't stay private once you're famous?

Haggard added, “I was tempted. I bought it. But I never used it."

And Clinton never inhaled. Ladies and Gentlemen, our schools are failing these people. There seems to be an entire generation that does not know how to use drugs properly.
Also, a married father of five, Haggard denied the sex allegations. "I have never had a gay relationship with anybody and I am steady with my wife and I am faithful to my wife." Haggard said.

I've never lied to her...except that time I bough meth from that gay male prostitute.

Madonna wants to be known as a humanitarian

And I want to be known as one of our times greatest minds. Unfortunately, that's not going to happen. I had a hard time programming the DVD player.

Madonna has made headlines in recent weeks with her efforts to adopt a 13-month-old Malawian boy named David.

That's a good Malawian name.

Throughout her career, Madonna has held many titles: singer, actress, sex symbol and mother.

Don't forget whore.

Now the 48-year-old wants to be known as something else: a humanitarian.

Humanitarian slash whore.

"Since January I have been involved in a foundation called Raising Malawi which essentially was created to look after the needs of orphans," Madonna said.

How nice. Good for you. You know, there are a lot of poor people in this country too. I just felt like I should point that out. Not saying that it's not a noble thing to better the life of the people in another country I'm just saying I could save you the flight time.

"I feel like in Africa, in Malawi for instance if there are a million orphans. In Africa, I don't know what it would come to but it is an astronomically high number."

Huh? Well, at least she doesn't want to be remembered as a great mind.

Kerry Apologizes for 'A Botched Joke'

We have to apologize for that? Oh man...I better get started.

Sen. John Kerry apologized for "a botched joke" about President Bush's Iraq policies that led Bush and fellow Republicans to accuse him of insulting U.S. troops.

"So two US Marines walk into Baghdad..."

"Of course I'm sorry about a botched joke. You think I love botched jokes?" Kerry said during an appearance on Don Imus' nationally syndicated radio program. "I mean, you know, it's pretty stupid."

I have a feeling the joke wasn't as bad as Republicans made it out to be. I mean, come on here people, if anyone has a history of horribly botched jokes it would be the man the Republicans put in the White House.

Kerry, D-Mass., said he meant no offense to troops when he told a college audience Monday that young people might get "stuck in Iraq" if they don't make it through the educational system.

I don't find that funny. I find that true. Not much military recruiting going on at Harvard.

On Wednesday, he said, "You cannot get into the military today if you do badly in school."

Really? I'm not saying that the American armed forces are a bunch of idiots but I don't remember anything other than being over 18 being a pre-req for military service. I don't remember the recruiters asking me if I was going to college when they spoke to me at my high school. They asked me if I liked guns. I said no. I thought it was a trick question.

"I'm sorry that that's happened," he said of his earlier comment. "But I'm not going to stand back from the reality here, which is, they're trying to change the subject. It's their campaign of smear and fear."

So where was this backbone when YOU were running for President?