Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Woman Hit By Lightning While Praying

Lord...give me a sign that I...BAMM!!

Worried about the safety of her family during a stormy Memorial Day trip to the beach, Clara Jean Brown stood in her kitchen and prayed for their safe return as a strong thunderstorm rumbled through Baldwin County, Alabama.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. However, the Lord, like the rest of us, does take a few days off at times.

But while she prayed, lightning suddenly exploded, blowing through the linoleum and leaving a blackened area on the concrete. Brown wound up on the floor, dazed and disoriented by the blast but otherwise uninjured.

I'd say your prayers were answered. What the answer meant, I don't know, but an answer it was nonetheless.

She said 'Amen' and the room was engulfed in a huge ball of fire. The 65-year-old Brown said she is blessed to be alive.

...and the Lord saw fit to burn my house down. Amen.

A family member said he will no longer assume it is safe to be indoors during a lightning strike.

He will now spend stormy nights in the tree in the yard.

US agrees to join talks with Iran

I'm not doing anymore stories on this until something actually happens. I've been covering this shit for months and I feel like I'm stuck in a loop.

In a significant policy shift, the Bush administration agreed Wednesday to take part in talks with Iran about its nuclear program if Tehran suspends efforts to make nuclear fuel.

Yeah, yeah, loopy loop.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said the offer removes Iran's "last excuse" for not stopping its nuclear program. "It's time to know whether Iran is serious about negotiations," she said.

I'm going to go with no...they're not.

Bush vows to punish Haditha crime, Iraqis angry

Commit a crime get punished. Sounds straight enough. And Iraqis angry? What else is fucking new?

President George W. Bush vowed on Wednesday to punish any U.S. Marine guilty of shooting Iraqi civilians at Haditha but Iraqis, including the prime minister, complain that U.S. troops have killed elsewhere with impunity.

At least they're not sawing peoples fucking heads off. They're not right?

"There is a thorough investigation going on. If ... laws were broken there will be punishment," Bush said in Washington.

Winning hearts and minds is tough when you're blowing both of those things all over the street. I can understand (understand, not relate) to the stress our soldiers must be under not knowing what's going to blow up when but we can't condone random killing as a release valve. Punishment should be handed down. But let's not forget the men and women in Iraq who are blowing innocent civilians up everyday. You know the ones I'm talking about. So, Iraqis, how about getting mad at them.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Brake Failure on US Truck Caused Crash

Accidents happen. I'm sure everyone understands that.

A road crash that triggered deadly anti-American rioting in Kabul occurred because a military truck lost its brakes coming down a hill and plowed into a line of cars, the U.S. military said Tuesday.

Whoa...easy everybody. Accident...remember?

Chanting "Death to America," rioters on Monday stoned the U.S. convoy involved in the accident, then headed to the center of Kabul, ransacking offices of international aid groups and searching for foreigners. Smoke billowed from burning buildings.

Holy shit. We bomb the shit out of your country and you riot over a traffic accident? Little on edge there aren't we? And is Death to America a fucking anthemn over there? What's the rest of the verse?

The death toll from the unrest rose to 11, most of them from gunshot wounds, according to three city hospitals. More than 100 people were wounded.

You know what this world needs? An alien invasion. Seriously. We need something to remind us that, as members of Earth, we are all on the same boat. Literally.

CBS cameraman, soundman killed in Iraq

I've made the argument in the past that war should not be televised. I still believe that. When a country is at war, whether you believe in the reasoning or not, supporting your country at that time is the duty of everyone who dwells within said country. I don't believe we should have gone to Iraq but now that we're there, I will not lower myself to becoming an unappreciative and selfish nay-sayer. Kids younger than me are dying. That's the cost of war. The outcome is critical. I support the outcome. I support the means, not the reason. We are treading on that line of dishonor like when the nation turned to spitting at the troops when they returned from Vietnam. Soldiers aren't the only ones who die in war. Let's not forget that.

A CBS television news correspondent who had reported on the deteriorating conditions in Iraq for three years was in critical but stable condition at a US military hospital in Germany on Tuesday, a day after a car bomb killed two of her colleagues.

Doctors had removed shrapnel from Dozier's head before she arrived in Germany but said she had more serious injuries to her lower body, CBS News reported on its Web site.

British cameraman Paul Douglas, 48, and British freelance soundman James Brolan, 42, were killed Monday when a car bomb exploded as they were working on a story about American troops in Iraq on Memorial Day, the network said. The US military said an American soldier and an Iraqi interpreter were killed in the same blast and six American soldiers were injured.

Like it or not, we are at war. It will not end soon. Supporting your country in times you may not agree with its actions or motives is the price you pay for living in it. Loyalty and honor and love towards America is a notion long forgotten. Without it, we are more of a hotel than a country.

Best wishes to the families who lose during this war. Iraqi, Afgani, British, Italian, Canadian, Australian and others. Only time will tell if it was worth the sacrifice. But at least allow the time. It's the least we can do for those for whom time has stopped.

Monday, May 29, 2006

It's Memorial Day

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Sunday Sign of Hope 5/28/06

I'm well and truly alive, says back-from-dead climber

Returning from the dead? That's cool.

From The Australian:

BACK among the living, after being given up for dead on a windswept ridge on Mount Everest, Australian mountaineer Lincoln Hall celebrated yesterday with a bowl of hot porridge, a cup of tea and some reflection on the events of the previous few days.

"I was closer to death than I thought," Hall said from an advanced base camp at 6400m.

"I am well and truly alive now. The most important thing is my family and getting down," he said through friend and fellow mountaineer Jamie McGuinness.

Apart from breakfast, Hall spent yesterday morning warming himself in the sun and preparing for a 22km trek down to base camp on the back of a yak.

From there, he is expected to be transported by jeep to Kathmandu, then flown back to Australia to join his family at his home in the Blue Mountains, west of Sydney.

On Thursday, Hall achieved his lifelong ambition of reaching the summit of Mount Everest. Shortly afterwards he began hallucinating, suffering severe altitude sickness.

His expedition leader declared him dead at 7.20pm on Thursday night. But next morning he was found alive by US expedition leader Dan Mazur. "I imagine you are surprised to see me here," Hall told his saviour.

More than a dozen sherpas and members of three expeditions, co-ordinated by the 7Summits group, were involved in Hall's rescue. Thirty-six bottles of oxygen at $US310 ($409) a bottle were used.

Having made mountaineering history as one of the few people to have survived a night outside at such altitudes, Hall's journey down the mountain included a night in a makeshift field hospital at 7000m, where he was treated by 7Summits Club team doctor, frostbite expert Andrey Selivanov. He was kept on oxygen in a heated tent.

From there he was taken to the advanced base camp, where he was well enough to walk into the camp on Saturday evening.

Speaking from the camp yesterday morning, McGuinness said Hall was suffering from a bad chest infection and frostbite in his hands, but he could see his friend slowly returning to himself.

"I can see Lincoln's brain working," he said. "He doesn't want to say too much now. He understands he basically died and came back to life. He understands that. He understands he was very lucky. He has a sharp sense of humour and he has it back. He is feeling quite good."

The high number of deaths on Mount Everest, including an incident this month where 40 climbers passed by dying Briton David Sharp without rendering assistance, has raised serious moral and ethical issues in the climbing community.

Tom Sjogren, founder of online site Explorer's Web, said the rescue of Hall was helping to expunge the shame over Sharp's lonely death. "It is an absolutely amazing story," he said. "It will be a classic story that will be told for ages among climbers. What is extra amazing and of great consequence to the climbing community is the timing."

Family spokesman Simon Balderstone said the rescue effort was a tribute to the many sherpas, climbers and expedition leaders combining to save Hall. "It is testimony to the respect in which he is held and the character of these people," he said. "The only thing more amazing than the rescue is that Lincoln survived the night out at 8600m."

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Hamas militia returns to streets

After a night of wild partying, it's back to work.

Members of a controversial Hamas militant force have made a limited reappearance on the streets of Gaza.

Signing autographs for the kids, performing all their greatest hits. A real treat.

This came after the Hamas-controlled government had ordered the force back to their bases on Friday.

And next week we'll all be working on our listening skills.

That withdrawal was an effort to reduce violent tensions between the Hamas men and their rivals, who are linked to the Fatah faction.

They get an E for effort.

2,700 dead in Java earthquake

What does an earthquake have to do with coffee?

More than 2,900 people were killed today and thousands injured when a powerful earthquake struck the Indonesian island of Java.

Another earthquake? Boy, that whole region over there is pretty unstable huh. In so many colorful ways as well.
The quake hit one of the most densely populated places on earth, flattening large swaths of built-up areas.
If there is an earthquake in an unpopulated region does it make a sound?

Roads and bridges were destroyed, hindering efforts to get taxis and pickup trucks filled with the wounded to hospitals.

Notice the absence of ambulances. Last thing I want to do is jump into a taxi after I have my house crumble onto my head. Then you have to pay the fare.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Blair Calls for World Unity on Iraq

Now they want world unity.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair called Friday for more international support for an Iraq struggling to emerge as a democratic state, after joining President Bush in somberly admitting far-reaching mistakes there.

It takes a big man to admit their mistakes. However, after thousands die because of said mistake, saying oops somehow just doesn't fucking cover it.

"If Iraqis can show their faith in democracy by voting for it, shouldn't we show ours by supporting them?" Blair asked.

Good question. And I do support Iraqis right to democracy, from right here in my living room. I'm a distance-cheerleader.

"The war split the world," Blair, a rare ally of the president in going to war, acknowledged in his speech.

Well, it split the US and Britain from the rest of the world. Everyone else is pretty much united on hating us.

Gunfire report triggers alert near US Capitol

Should I be surprised that there is a report of gunfire in Washington DC, our captial of murder?

Police searched a legislative office building near the US Capitol for hours Friday after a caller reported hearing gunfire, triggering a major alert, police said.

Somebody had their TV on too loud didn't they?

Members of the US House of Representatives who work in the Rayburn Office Building were told to stay inside their offices. Police focussed the search on a basement gymnasium, television reports said.

Someone took their excercises too seriously. If there is a shooting in my office building, the last thing I'm doing is running out of the office. Sound strange? In these days of video games, hitting a moving target is just as easy as entering the US illegally. If I stand still I have a chance. Hopefully the shooter's vision is based on movement.

'We're handling this as a very serious matter,' Capitol Police spokeswoman Kimberly Schneider told reporters.

Oh that's good. Not like in the past when reports of gunfire were handled like an episode of Jackass.

Police were investigating whether shots were actually fired, and no injuries or arrests have been reported, she said.

Maybe it was Dick Cheney having a hunting flashback.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

'Alien message' sparks tsunami panic

A website warning of a tsunami has spread panic in Morocco, despite the government's assertion that the alert was merely rumour - and the dubious nature of its source.

What are you people doing over there?

The Ufological Research Centre said on its website last week that a tsunami could hit the Atlantic after a comet passes close to earth on Thursday, May 25.

Ufological? That's not a word. When did the world become an X-Files episode?

Eric Julien, author of La Science Des Extraterrestres (Science of Aliens), claimed that the impact of a comet fragment would trigger powerful volcanoes in the Atlantic and generate a giant tsunami that would be destructive across the coasts of several countries, including Morocco.

La Science Des Estraterrestres - Translation: Craziness.

Julien, who claimed to have received the information psychically, said that waves up to 200 metres high will reach coastlines of countries bordering the Atlantic.

Oh, so it's credible. Let me guess...people panicked didn't they?

The alert caused fear and panic among Moroccan citizens, though the Moroccan meteorological office dismissed it on Monday as insignificant.

Oh man...this makes me sad.

Belarus to ban Canadian, US flights from airspace

Oh damn...and I always wanted to go to Belarus to die from boredom.

Weeks after Ottawa refused to let a plane from Belarus stop for refuelling, the former Soviet state plans to ban Canadian and U.S. flights over its territory.

Last time I checked Ottawa wasn't in America. So why can't we fly there? I love living during a period on earth when it's just popular to punish the US for any ol' reason. Oh well, guess our planes will have to go around. Minor inconvenience.

On April 20, a plane carrying Belarusian Prime Minister Sergei Sidorsky was on its way to Cuba for an official visit when both Canada and the United States refused to let it land and refuel.

Oh okay, I'm wrong. America did do naughty. Fair play. Wonder why we wouldn't give the Belarus official fuel so he could go to Cuba.

Ottawa refused to let the plane land on April 20 because of concerns about "the current regime's commitment to democratization and human rights," a foreign affairs spokeswoman, Pamela Greenwell, said at the time.

So you can't take our fuel cause you treat your people bad. If that was the case we'd only allow incoming flights from Europe. Why don't we all just stay put until we learn to act like rational, thinking human beings?

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Bin Laden on the Move; New Sightings in Pakistan

Now Bin Laden's like Bigfoot.

Pakistani government sources tell ABC News they have "credible reports" that Osama bin Laden and his entourage have moved down from high mountainous peaks along the Afghan border to a valley area 40 miles inside the Pakistan border.

Well, go get him.

The officials say the reports put bin Laden around Kohistan's Kumrat Valley.

Someone go get him please.

Officials said the reports were validated by the release of bin Laden's audio tape yesterday, which appears to have been recorded only two weeks earlier.

Great...fucking go get him.

Such a quick turn-around suggests, say the officials, that bin Laden is much closer to civilization than he had been previously.

Guess what I'm going to say.

British Terror Raids Net Nine

Ah, the British. It takes them awhile but sooner or later, they do something.

In a series of raids in several of Britain's biggest cities, police arrested nine people suspected of involvement in overseas terrorist operations.

I read somewhere that there is hundreds of jihadists hiding out in Britain. But nine, yeah nines good...I guess.

"We're not talking today about a direct threat to the U.K.," said Chief Constable Michael Todd of the Greater Manchester Police.
Oh, that talk's tomorrow I guess. So what are we discussing today Mike?

"We are talking about the facilitation of terrorism overseas. That could include funding, providing support and encouragement to terrorists."

I don't want to talk about that though. And you don't get the final say in what I talk about Mike.

Palestinian security officer killed in blast in Gaza

Not good when a security officer is killed. They're the ones in charge of making sure that doesn't happen.

A senior Palestinian security officer was killed and two others were wounded in a car explosion in Gaza City on Wednesday, witnesses said. Nabil Hodhod, 38, commander of the Palestinian Preventive Security forces in Gaza City, was killed and two other security officers in his car were moderately wounded when the blast occurred while Hodhod was driving in Gaza City, said witnesses.

Preventive Security huh. Ironic.

Reports on the cause of his death conflicted as preventive security sources said that he was killed when a hand grenade accidentally exploded inside the car while other sources said that Hodhod might be shot dead by suspected Hamas militants.

Grenades are like cell phones. Don't use them while driving. Pull over to the side of the road, put on your hazards and then, when you're at a complete stop, it's safe to hurl the grenade at Hamas activists.

Progress made in Iran nuclear talks

Progress? I have to admit this headline is throwing me for a loop. Who would of thought that the word "progress" would appear along with "Iran" and "nuclear"? So, lets see how microscopic this progress was.

World powers said after a meeting that they had made progress, but failed to reach a consensus on a package of incentives and threats to prevent Iran from being able to build a nuclear bomb.

Who would have thought "progress" would include "failing to reach a consensus"? I don't know how to feel right now. Should I be hopeful? Skeptical? Fearful? I'll go with paranoid. Excuse me while I push the couch up against the door and prepare to live in my bathtub.

A spokesman for the US State Department said Iran, which insisted on its right to a full range of nuclear technology, had recently sought bilateral talks with the United States but that Washington would stick to a multilateral approach.

Where's the progress?

After the meeting, Britain said it was encouraged by the progress and that officials would propose that foreign ministers should meet soon to take final decisions.
Ah the progress was that talks would continue. Yay. Yipee. Ya-hoo. Blah blah blah. I'm taking a nap. Someone wake me up when something happens please.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Bin Laden says Moussaoui not part of Sept 11

You've lost all credability Binny. Do you honestly thinks anyone cares about what you say anymore. You're like Britney Spears. Your time in the spotlight is over, unless it's the spotlight on the bottom of an attack helicopter.

Osama bin Laden said Zacarias Moussaoui, the only person convicted in a U.S. court for the September 11 attacks, had nothing to do with the operations, according to a Web site audiotape released on Tuesday.

Oh, so should we let him go? Thanks for adding your two cents. Back to the cave with you now.

Bin Laden said he had personally assigned tasks to the 19 hijackers who staged the attacks on U.S. cities which killed about 3,000 people.

Doubt it. You don't seem smart enough to plan that.

"The truth is that he has no connection whatsoever with the events of September 11. I am certain of what I say because I was responsible for entrusting the 19 brothers ... with the raids," said the speaker who sounded like the leader of Al Qaeda.

Whatever. Put the new Britney Spears tape back on.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Another new country for Europe

Just what we need...more politics.

The joyful fireworks and street parties that exploded in the streets of Podgorica on Sunday night, as Montenegrins celebrated a vote in favor of independence, found few echoes Monday in other European capitals.

Welcome Montenegro to the world. It sucks. Get a helmet. And a fence.

Europe's lack of enthusiasm for the imminent birth of a new nation on the shores of the Adriatic is prompted by its unease at seeing another small Balkan state emerge on its edges, reminding the EU of its failure to prevent the breakup of the former Yugoslavia.

I don't know about you people, but I sure do miss Yugoslavia. Not enough "Y" countries out there. Just Yemen. Poor lonely little Yemen. Tugs at the heart strings.

"There is a feeling of reluctance at having yet another country to deal with," says Nicholas Whyte, European program director at the International Crisis Group.

Let's look on the bright side...more on that when I figure it out.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Sunday Sign of Hope 5/21/06

Sinai militant suspect killed by explosives.

Hazards of the job I guess.

From Reuters:

A man wanted for involvement in bombings of tourist resorts in Sinai killed himself by accident on Friday while trying to attack police who were pursuing him, security sources said.

Arafat Ali, 28, was blown up by an explosive device which he had tried to throw at policemen who had encircled him in Rafah, a town which is straddles Egypt's border with the Gaza Strip.

The sources said he was second in command of a group called Tawhid wal Jihad, which the authorities say has carried out a series of attacks in Sinai since October 2004.

They describe it as a group of Bedouin from the Sinai peninsula with militant Islamist views. The police say they killed the group's leader earlier this month.

The group's last attack was last month in Dahab. Nineteen people were killed.

The Red Sea resort of Taba and beach camps further south were bombed in October 2004 and Sharm el-Sheikh was bombed in July 2005. The Sinai attacks have killed at least 117 people in total.

'Al Qaeda in Palestine' claims attack on intelligence chief

Al-Qaeda has no friends do they? Aren't these the same guys claiming they want to free the Palestinian people from the Israeli oppression? By blowing them up apparently.

A group calling itself Al Qaeda in Palestine said it carried out a bombing against the Palestinian intelligence chief and threatened more attacks in a statement posted on the Internet on Sunday.

Threatening the Western world with more attacks in Palestine is like offering us an ice cream cone everytime we kill an al-qaeda operative.

"We declare our full responsibility for this operation," the group said in the statement, whose authenticity could not be independently verified. "Your mujahideen brothers managed to place a bomb in the special lift used by the apostate Tareq Abu Rajab ... but were hasty in detonating the device which should have been triggered once the lift door was closed."

Translation: We're know how to make bombs but that's where our expertise ends. Stay inside.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Woman rips off her husband's testicles with bare hands.!!!

A Philadelphia man is recovering from an attack, allegedly at the hands of his wife.

That pun is not appreciated, not appreciated at all.

The 52-year-old Tioga-Nicetown man, who we are identifying only by his first name of Howard, arrived home late Wednesday, hours after his wife allegedly tore off two parts of his genitalia with her bare hands. Surgeons at Einstein successfully managed to repair the damage.

There is no reason I can fathom to rip the twins OFF a mans body with anything, let alone your bare hands. He cheated, kick him out. He lies, punch him in the face. He beats on you, shoot him. But for the love of God big Jim and the twins did nothing. NOTHING!!
And good thing they're only calling him Howard to protect his idenity. You know, since they published a picture of his fucking face about two inches above the opening lines of the article.

Howard says his 40-year-old wife Monica, who he says is bi-polar, somehow conceived the notion that he was cheating on her. So while he was asleep last night, she attacked him.

Bi-polar? BI-POLAR?! Fuck that! She's a nutcase to end all nutcases. You don't do that to people. I'm crying.

"I mean she just grabbed me all down there and yanking and yanking and tearing me up with those fingernails."

Howard...don't ever tell anyone about this again. I don't want to hear it. I need some time alone.

Police and paramedics rushed to the man's row home in the 3800 block of Pulaski where they found him bleeding profusely.

No shit.

He was rushed to Einstein where doctors first labeled his condition critical.

Once shit.

He was later upgraded to stable after having reattachment surgery and a few doses of morphine.

He should be given a lifetime supply of heroin.

Howard still cannot believe his wife of 11 years would allegedly do this to him.

Me neither and I don't even know you people. Just doing this story is making my secret no-no place ache. I'm out of here.

Tip leads US Border Patrol to 91 illegal entrants in truck

And finally we get our answer to how many Mexicans can you actually fit inside one vehicle?

Border Patrol agents discovered 91 illegal entrants who were smuggled into the country in the back of a box truck Thursday night southwest of Sonoita, an official said Friday.

Why, those aren't boxes at all! The free-for-all run for the border is slowly diminishing. It's not as easy as trekking across miles and miles of desert in the blazing heat and facing almost certain death just so you can clean the shit off our lawns anymore. Now, you've got to pay for the rising gas prices.

Around 10 p.m., the Border Patrol received a call from a concerned citizen about possible illegal activity, said Jesus Rodriguez, a spokesman for the agency's Tucson sector. The caller said they believed the truck was picking up illegal entrants.

You know, Survivor is running out of contestants which gives me an idea.

Border Patrol agents from Nogales and Sonoita pulled the truck over on Highway 82 around Milepost 26, at which time the driver got out and ran into the brush.

A sure sign that there's either illegal activity present or a bees nest under the passenger seat.

Inside the truck, agents found 91 illegal entrants, most of whom were from Mexico but some were from Central America.

Oh what's the difference. Go home, come back the legal way. Don't see me running across the border to watch some Mexican woman fuck a donkey. And that's something I really, really want to see.
And save the hateful comments about how there's a big difference between Mexicans and Central Americans because I'm well aware. I just feel you lose that difference when you do something illegal. Then, you're a criminal.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Couple Arrested For Asking For Directions

Ladies, remember this shit next time you yell at your boyfriend or husband because he won't pull over and ask for directions. This should end the argument.

Baltimore City police arrested a Virginia couple over the weekend after they asked an officer for directions.

And now the people of Baltimore are a little bit safer from being bothered for twenty seconds or so.

Joshua Kelly and Llara Brook, of Chantilly, Va., got lost leaving an Orioles game on Saturday. A city officer arrested them for trespassing on a public street while they were asking for directions.

Is it really trespassing if you're fucking lost?

Iran eyes badges for Jews

Where did I hear of something similiar happening? It didn't end pretty.

Human rights groups are raising alarms over a new law passed by the Iranian parliament that would require the country's Jews and Christians to wear coloured badges to identify them and other religious minorities as non-Muslims.

That would make it easier to kill them. Man, Iran is just asking for an ass-kicking. I remember when I was a kid my younger sister would taunt me and taunt me until, finally, I ordered airstrikes and ground forces captured her and detained her in Cuba.

"This is reminiscent of the Holocaust," said Rabbi Marvin Hier, the dean of the Simon Wiesenthal Center in Los Angeles. "Iran is moving closer and closer to the ideology of the Nazis."

Moving closer and closer to becoming a parking lot is more like it.

Iranian expatriates living in Canada yesterday confirmed reports that the Iranian parliament, called the Islamic Majlis, passed a law this week setting a dress code for all Iranians, requiring them to wear almost identical "standard Islamic garments."

I've heard of mandatory uniforms in schools but never in an entire country. This should have a happy outcome.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

God warns of coastal storms, possible tsunami, Robertson says

All this time...God's a weatherman. Who would have guessed?

Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson is warning that, according to God, storms and possibly a tidal wave will pound America this year.

Cause Robertson's got the info. He's got God on speed dial. We tend to forget that it's not only Muslim fanatics that can be dangerous. Thanks for the reminder Pat.

He said the revelations came to him during his annual personal prayer retreat in January.

Right after the hookers left.

"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms," Robertson said May 8.

You're an idiot. If you heard him right? Well weren't you paying attention. Shit, if God started talking to he'd have my undivided fucking attention. I'd ask him to repeat himself so I could write it down.

So he either said that the coasts of America will be lashed by storms or that making toast in America should be fast and unburned.

FBI Looking for Jimmy Hoffa's Body in Michigan

Well there goes all those "This room's so messy I bet if you cleaned it you'd find Jimmy Hoffa" jokes. It was a good run.

The Feds are inspecting a horse farm in Detroit, acting on a tip according to which the notorious Jimmy Hoffa, once Teamsters union leader, is resting on the premises of the Michigan farm.

Resting? I don't know if the fact his skeleton may be buried under a few feet of dirt and some horse shit with a hole in his skull can be called resting. If he was on the couch sleeping during Judge Judy, that's resting. He might be buried there.

"We're searching for evidence related to the Hoffa case. It's a big operation. After 30 years of searching for him, we hope we can put this to rest." said FBI Special Agent Terry Booth.

Unless Jimmy Hoffa's planning on suicide bombing the subway this is a waste of time.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Tattooed mummy discovered in Peru

Let me guess...I heart mother?

A tattooed mummy has been found in Peru which archaeologists say is one of the best-ever relics of a civilisation that ended more than 1,300 years ago.

Why do we study cultures from over ten centuries ago? Cause they're a hell of a lot more interesting than we are. They cut out peoples hearts to please God. We just blow things up to his liking. We're so watered-down.

The mummy, herself 1,500 years old, is of a woman in her late 20s believed to be an elite member of the Moche tribe.
Is she hot? Or...was she hot is a better question.

The skeleton of an adolescent girl offered in sacrifice was found with a rope still around its neck.

See, fucking interesting.

The presence of fine items such as gold jewellery indicates the woman was an important person, anthropologist John Verano of Tulane University in the US said.

And she's still important. That's staying power right there.

But the presence of war clubs surprised the archaeological team.

Foolish archaeological easily surprised. I would be surprised if she had a calendar from last year. Now that'd be freaky. Otherwise, if I cared any less about someone who died over 1,000 years ago I'd be in a coma.

Scientists Test Tsunami-Warning System

The lifevests and innertubes faired well but the swimmies failed miserably.

Dozens of Pacific-rim nations joined the first widespread test of a tsunami-warning system since killer waves in the Indian Ocean claimed more than 200,000. During the drill, earthquakes continued to shake the geologically unstable region.

The very definition of irony would be if a tsunami crashed down on them well they were testing a tsunami warning system. Luckily it didn't. Here's a tip for future reference. Big wall of water hurtling towards your village? It is at this time you would want to move to high ground. Don't huddle together on the beach looking at the pretty wave of death.

As the Pacific Tsunami Warning Center in Ewa Beach sent out bulletins warning of fictitious waves to more than 30 countries, participating governments tested how fast they receive the warnings and how rapidly they went through domestic emergency alert systems.

If a tsunami is heading for my house, I want a phone call. A quick "big water, go now!" would suffice. Or even someone just making alarm noises.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Teen creates disturbance at Buffalo, NY airport

That's what teens do.

He shouted "It's time to die" before ripping off his backpack and reaching inside it at an upstate airport.

Should have shot him. If anyone's asking to not be a part of this world with the rest of us anymore it's this little shit.

Authorities say the 16-year-old boy (Alif Chowdhury) from Garden City, Long Island was with his father (Ehsan Chowdhury) waiting outside a terminal prior to their flight to J-F-K Airport.

He's father should get a fine for birthing an idiot. Of course, if that was a fine-able offense my father would be doing 5 to 10.

Passers-by became suspicious of the youth's behavior and alerted airport police. The teen -- who was dressed in a white robe-like garment -- became agitated while officers questioned his father.

Yeah, yelling shit like that and ripping off your backpack is a little suspicious. I would have stabbed him with my luggage.

Officials say he said he wasn't afraid to die and tried to pull something out of his backpack. The officers subdued the youth, who was carrying cell phones in the backpack but nothing dangerous.

Should have shoved the cell phones up his ass. Then called him.

The teen was taken to a Buffalo hospital for a psychiatric evaluation.

Better yet, take him out back and beat the ever-loving shit out of him. Lesson learned. Be quiet at airports genius.

Venezuela Weighs Selling U.S. Jets to Iran


Venezuela is considering selling its fleet of U.S.-made F-16 fighter jets to another country, perhaps Iran, in response to a U.S. ban on arms sales to President Hugo Chavez's government, a military official said Tuesday.

Go ahead, it's not like if the bombing starts those won't be the first things to wind up as scrap metal.

Gen. Alberto Muller, a senior adviser to Chavez, told The Associated Press he had recommended to the defense minister that Venezuela consider selling the 21 jets to another country.

It's interesting to live during a time that the entire world hates your country. I feel so alone.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Alligators take two women

Well, give em back.

THE bodies of two women, both apparently killed by alligators, have been found less than a week after a similar death in Florida, which has had just 17 fatal alligator attacks in the past 58 years.

I blame this on people's stupidity. Don't pet the alligators cause they bite. Unless alligators have learned how to drive and pretend to have broken down on the side of the road waiting for someone to pull over and offer assistance and then, while the good samaritan calls for a tow truck on their cell phone, the alligator pulls a gun and fires in cold blood (I realize alligators are cold-blooded so that's funny on two levels) there really is no reason to "bump" into these creatures. Leave them alone.

A 23-year-old woman staying at a secluded cabin was attacked while snorkelling at a lakeside recreation area, the fire-rescue service's Joe Amigliore said.

Alligators are in the water. That's why I stay out of the water. I go into swimming pools, and I always check and then double check for anything in the water that might eat me.

"The people she was staying with came around and found her inside the gator's mouth," he said.


The death of another woman, whose body was found in a canal at the weekend, was also blamed on an alligator. The woman's body, which had been in the water for about three days, had bite marks consistent with an alligator attack.

Alligators are mean. Keep your distance people. If you really really need to see an alligator, go to the zoo.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Sunday Sign of Hope 5/14/06

Happy Mothers Day!

Instead of spending the next 8 hours of my life searching and searching for some microscopic piece of reporting that can be twisted and spun more than a epilemtic man who's just downed thirty shots of whiskey in the last fifteen minutes in order to pry out some maybe-once-was-shiny bit of news that could possibly give us an inkling of hope for this world of messes, I've decided to take a moment to wish all the mothers who visit the site one day of happiness.

Today is the day that we spend hard earned money to thank the women who either had unprotected sex on the wrong day of their cycles or decided to share this miserable world with a new life that they could hold in the palms of their hands and destroy or allow to go free, and have the world destroy us for them. Flowers, candy, a card or perhaps a candle at the dollar store down the block from your mothers house that you stopped at cause you realized three quarters into your trip to see mommy that if you show up empty-handed it might be that final straw that puts your mothers arteries into that peace-giving vice-like grip, show our thankfulness that this women gave us all this. This wonderful life we struggle to survive on a minute by minute basis hoping to at least have the times we manage smiles outweigh the times blood rushes from an open wound.

Here are your flowers from me Mothers of the world. Thanks.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Iran not talking to countries that "hold bombs over our head"

Well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle Islamic nutcases?

Iran's president, emboldened by the support of Muslim nations, said on Saturday that he was willing to hold talks over his nuclear programme, but not with countries that "hold bombs over our head".

That one important. China and Russia and maybe Sweden...maybe.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made the comments after closed-door talks with the heads of state from Indonesia, Pakistan, Nigeria, Turkey and Malaysia, and government ministers from Egypt and Bangladesh.

And what do all these countries have in common? That's right, they all have terrorists in them. You win the prize.

He also said his country was "ready to have a dialogue with all the countries in the world except for the Israel regime".

And I bet Israel is sitting in the corner feeling all left out. Or planning bombing runs. Which do you think is more probable?

Lava streams from Indonesia volcano

Yeah, volcanoes will do that.
Thousands of villagers have fled their homes around central Java's Mount Merapi as experts warn that an eruption could be imminent.

Another natural disaster brought to you in part by a planet that no longer likes us.
The alert status for Indonesia's most active volcano is now at its highest.

When molten rock begins streaming out of a volcano, yes, I would say it may be time to take that vacation you've been promising yourself but just never got around to planning. Of course, you may want to pack a little heavy considering the high probability that your home may be turned to something similar to that found in an ashtray upon your return.

Friday, May 12, 2006

"Paralyzed" woman gets up, runs from police

Never underestimate the willpower of those about to go to prison.

A wheelchair-bound Los Angeles woman, who has repeatedly filed lawsuits over access for the disabled, got up and ran after police arrested her for fraud, authorities said on Thursday.

That's going to hurt her case.

Laura Lee Medley, 35, had sued in at least four California cities over injuries she claimed she sustained while trying to navigate her wheelchair before she was suspected of fraud.

I hope she was yelling "It's a miracle!" as she ran. And I also hope the police paralyzed her when they tackled her lying ass to the ground.

Envoys say enriched uranium found in Iran

I'm not as worried about Iran having uranium as I am that they seem to be just leaving it laying around.

U.N. inspectors have found traces of highly enriched uranium on equipment from an Iranian research center linked to the military, diplomats said today, which could strengthen U.S. arguments that Tehran wants to develop nuclear arms.

As if anyone really had any doubts. Does anyone have a time machine so I can bypass all this bullshit?

The diplomats -- who demanded anonymity in exchange for divulging the confidential information -- cautioned that confirmation still had to come through other laboratory tests.

They'll be testing just as soon as word comes in whether sabertooth tigers went extinct because of man or the fucking weather. Hey, some things are just more important.
Initially, they said the density of enrichment appeared to be close to or above the level used to make nuclear warheads. But later, a well-placed diplomat accredited to the International Atomic Energy Agency said it was below that level, although higher than the low-enriched material used to generate power.
Maybe this only proves that the Iranians have no idea what they're doing. I have a gut feeling.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Jury convicts priest of nun's 1980 murder

I think that violates the rules of the Bible there padre.

A priest was convicted Thursday of stabbing a Roman Catholic nun to death as she prepared for Easter services at a hospital 26 years ago, a murder prosecutors say was steeped in religious ritual.

I went to Catholic classes when I was a child because my parents really, really wanted me to fear God and the little I do remember other than the fact that priests and nuns are deeply unhappy individuals did not include a ritual involving stabbing a woman of the cloth to death. Unless I was sick that day.

Sister Margaret Ann Pahl was stabbed 31 times through an altar cloth, with the punctures forming an upside down cross. Her killer then anointed her with a smudge of her blood on the forehead to humiliate her in death, prosecutors said.

Sounds like someone needs to go to confession...and a mental institution.

The Rev. Gerald Robinson, now 68, had worked closely with Sister Pahl at the Mercy Hospital chapel, where her body was discovered on April 5, 1980.

Let this be a lesson to all of you who go for that whole God-speaks-through-priests-and-nuns hooplah. It's bullshit, unless of course God really hated Miss. Pahl. It's a sad world and this is just a reminder that even priests are human, which of course, makes them just as evil as the rest of us.

NSA Has Record of US-to-US Calls

This is very, very important. Is there any possible way that my girlfriend can get ahold of these records?

President Bush addressed Thursday a newspaper report that the National Security Agency was collecting records of tens of millions of ordinary Americans' phone calls.

Are those phone sex lines illegal. God I hope not.

Bush did not confrim the report that AT&T Corp., Verizon Communications Inc., and BellSouth Corp. began turning over records to the NSA shortly after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, as USA Today reported based on anonymous sources it said had direct knowledge of the arrangement.

Great now the government knows I order take out. I want my freedom back!
In all honesty, I understand the worry that the American government is beginning to get more and more invasive and slowly but surely the American people are losing our rights in the name of protection from terrorists but then again, I'm not a terrorist so I don't really care much about my phone calls being private information or not. I do question how often al-Qaeda operatives discuss detenoting a pipe bomb on the subway over the telly. If they're stupid enough to do that they'll probably wind up blowing themselves up before getting into the subway anyway.

"Our intelligence activities strictly target al-Qaeda and their known affiliates," Bush said. "We are not mining or trolling through the personal lives of innocent Americans."

If you already know who's al-Qaeda and who's not, why do you need phone records? Just go get them. I think Mr. Bush thinks we're all retarded when it's really just about 92 percent of us. Shame on you Mr. Bush.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Climate, not humans, said to have killed off mammoths

Whew...that's a load off my mind. I can finally stop worrying whether or not my ancesters killed off a mammal that today would stampede through my fucking house like it was a sand castle 10,000 fucking years ago. I'm breathing easier.

Climate shifts were probably responsible for the extinction of the mammoth and other species more than 10,000 years ago, not over-hunting by humans, according to new research published on Wednesday.

It's comforting to know that our scientists are doing important things.

Radiocarbon dating of 600 bones of bison, moose and humans that survived the mass extinction and remains of the mammoth and wild horse which did not, suggests humans were not responsible.

You hear that Ted're off the hook.

Russian Leader Urges Steps to Lift Birthrate

Could you people please start fucking each other?

President Vladimir V. Putin today directed the Russian Parliament to adopt a 10-year program to stop Russia's sharply declining population, principally by offering financial incentives and subsidies to encourage Russian women to have more children.

Free cookies to those of you who throw out the condoms. Seriously though, it's cold in Russia. No one likes their children playing in the snow 365 days a year. Maybe we should build Russia some indoor playgrounds. Or maybe if people weren't starving there. It's hard to raise children when you're starving. Tend to eat them.

Mr. Putin's instructions, issued to a compliant Parliament that follows his orders almost without fail, formed the center of his annual address, and signaled a new Kremlin priority to confront a problem that demographers and scholars have warned endangers the long-term future of the Russian state.

Without fail huh? Oh man, if I were Putin I'd make them wear cowboy hats and tu-tus. Now that's compliance.
So let me get this straight. Russia has a crisis brewing cause no one is having babies there? Well...stop mailing us all your good-looking women.

Israeli Supplier Cuts Gas to Palestinians

If Palestinians can't drive what are the Israelis going to fire missiles at?

Palestinian gas stations started shutting down and motorists lined up at pumps after an Israeli fuel company cut off deliveries Wednesday, deepening the humanitarian crisis following Hamas' rise to power.

Oh no! Wherever are the Islamic people of Palestine going to get gas from? I mean, it's not like other neighboring Islamic countries that are sympathetic to them have tons of it.

An end to fuel supplies for the West Bank and Gaza could cripple hospitals, halt food deliveries and keep people home from work.

Home from work? Someone should cut my gas supply.

This is a devastating scenario for an economy already ravaged by Israeli and international sanctions.
Maybe this will bring peace? Or maybe the Palestinians will find another source of fuel and contribute something to the rest of the world other than the fine art of blowing yourself up on a bus.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

US to Provide Medical Aid to Palestinians

This is more on the track of winning hearts and minds in the Islamic part of this world. Unfortunately, they won't appreciate it. Maybe we should focus more on Americans who need medical aid before we aid people who want to cut our heads of for living. Just a thought.

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says the United States will provide $10 million in medicines and supplies to the Palestinian people.

Ten million dollars in medical aid to a far away land. My friends mother can't afford her blood pressure medication. Maybe she should blow something up.

Rice told reporters in New York Tuesday that the United States is concerned about the humanitarian needs of the Palestinian people.

I concern myself more with their love of hurting my fellow countrymen and women. My country's foregin policy is so fucking confusing. I'd like to think that Palestinians would appreciate our medical aid and change their outlook on America and its people. I really would like to. Just can't believe it.

She said, however, the Hamas-led Palestinian government must renounce violence before it can be a partner in the peace process.

Kind of common sense there. Can't be part of a peace process when you advocate violence. Our government is so good at stating the obvious. Doubt things will change though.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Ahmadinejad Writes to Bush on Ways to Ease Tensions

Dear Mr. President Bush Jr.,

I am writing you in order to try and find a way that our two countries could avoid the destruction of mine. Perhaps we can find a common thread, like the fact that both of us are completely out of our minds. :)

Iran has the right to produce nuclear for peaceful purposes. Haha...peaceful purposes being peace without Israel but you don't know that. Oh damn I wrote it. Why did I write what I was thinking? That's just crazy. I guess I won't send this then. I'll write another copy. Oh man but my pen is almost out of ink. I don't think I have another pen. Hold on...

Okay I found another pen. It was under the couch. You'd be surprised how much stuff gets lost under there. Why just the other day I found the finger of an infidel under there...and a quarter. Strange me finding an American quarter under the couch. I wonder how it got there.

AHA! You think I'm stupid don't you. I know it's an American spy couch now that I've found the quarter. I have poured gasoline on your infidel couch and have matches in my hand. Allow me now to demonstrate what we Iranians do to spies here in Tehran.

Oh Allah help me, the fire is raging out of control. I can't put it out. The palace is burning down. This is because of the Jews!!

Praise Allah in the Highest,
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Sunday Sign of Hope 5/7/06

Top al-Qaida figure caught in Pakistan

This was actually reported in Nov. last year but is now being confirmed.

From Seattle Times:

A top al-Qaida strategist with a $5 million bounty on his head and followers from Afghanistan to Europe has been captured in Pakistan, a U.S. law-enforcement official confirmed.

Mustafa Setmarian Nasar has been flown out of the country after being interrogated by Pakistani and American authorities, Pakistani officials told The Associated Press on Tuesday. Nasar "may have been turned over to the U.S.," an American official said.

He would not say where Nasar may have been sent, and U.S. officials in Washington declined to comment Tuesday.

Nasar, a 47-year-old Syrian-Spanish national, was seized in the southwestern Pakistani city of Quetta in November 2005, said the American official, who declined to be identified.

Nasar has been described by the U.S. Justice Department as a former trainer at Osama bin Laden's camps in Afghanistan who helped teach extremists to use poisons and chemicals before the U.S.-led invasion of this country after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Paraplegic man stabs three people

He's handicapable of murder.

Police say a Warwick, Rhode Island man who is paralyzed from the waist down stabbed three people yesterday afternoon from the back of a parked SUV in Warwick.

It just goes to show that, even with a disability, if you put your mind to it and try with all you've got you can be just as fucking crazy as everyone else. Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there. Never say can't. Just say "I shouldn't".

Police say 29-year-old Edwin Rodrigues stabbed 32-year-old Hector Colon, an acquaintance from North Providence, after an argument ensued between them. Colon, who was in the front passenger seat, allegedly punched Rodrigues, who then pulled out a folding knife and stabbed Colon in the head.

Great, now I'm suspicious of people in wheelchairs. Thanks a lot.

New autopsy blames guards in camp death

Anyone remember this story? It was in circulation a few months ago. Apparently you can't hide the truth, you can only delay it, unless you have a shitload of money cause then you can pay off the truth to relocate to the desert.

The results of a second autopsy show Martin Lee Anderson died of suffocation at a Panama City boot camp after he was forced to inhale ammonia fumes while someone held his mouth shut.

That's quite a drill. Nothing rehabilitates trouble youths like forcing them to inhale a chemical that makes your brain want to hide in your feet. So, now can we punish these assholes who think they're above the law or are we going to pretend like it didn't happen?

Hillsborough County Medical Examiner Vernard Adams blamed the 14-year-old's death on the actions of boot camp guards.

Gee, you think? If I was to hold someone's head over ammonia would there even be a disscussion? I'd be wearing an orange jumpsuit so fast you'd think my previous clothes has caught fire.

This finding is contradicting another medical examiner who previously ruled the teen died of complications from a blood disorder.

Yeah, too much ammonia in your blood stream is a disorder I guess.

Adams concluded the ammonia fumes caused the teen's vocal cords to spasm, shutting off his airway and killing him. Adams did not provide details about how the ammonia was used, but a pathologist who observed the autopsy has said guards forced a capsule up his nose.

It's good to know that there are people out there we care about the children. Maybe we should find them cause there should be a few job openings soon.

Cruise ship towed after blaze breaks out

There's nothing quite like a relaxing vacation trying to escape a blazing inferno.

A cruise ship carrying more than 700 people is being towed to port after a fire broke out onboard while the ship was in the English Channel.

Alcoholic beverages better be free now.

The Calypso was off the coast of southern England when the fire broke out in one its engine rooms early this morning.

Getting woken early by screaching fire alarms doesn't help relieve stress. Imagine heading back to a work week after a beautiful week-long towing on a ship that now smells like the Unabomber after he's created one of his happy little packages.

Crew members managed to bring the blaze under control and fire fighters were flown out to the ship to make sure the fire was out.

Only mankind could figure out a way to introduce fire to the middle of the fucking ocean.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Video Shows Al-Zarqawi Fumbling With Rifle

Now we have AQFV, Al-Qaeda's funniest videos. How on fucking earth are we planning to convince the world Zarqawi's a moron when he's convincing his own people to blow themselves up and kill some more of his own people? If people don't get that now, they never will.

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is shown wearing American tennis shoes and unable to operate his automatic rifle in video released Thursday by the U.S. military as part of a propaganda war aimed at undercutting the image of the terror leader.

Tennis shoes? Faggot.

The U.S. command showed the footage to reporters at a time when it is stepping up operations against al-Qaida in Iraq and making overtures to other Sunni groups.

If we can't kill him or catch him, we'll make sure he never gets laid again.

Rep. Patrick Kennedy to Enter Drug Rehab

What's the definition of a bad sign? When the leaders of the country admit to uncontrollable drug habits.
Rep. Patrick Kennedy said Friday he was entering treatment for addiction to prescription pain medication, a decision made after a highly publicized car crash near the Capitol that the congressman said he cannot recall.

What's another bad sign? Crashing your car and not being able to remember exactly how you wound up walking to the Senate with a gash the size of a Great Lake on your forehead.

Kennedy, D-R.I., said he would seek immediate treatment at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn.

By all means please, take a break from helping to run the country. Does this mean all the votes you've made you made while flying higher than Mary Poppins on PCP?

Kennedy, who has struggled with addiction and depression, said he had checked into the Mayo Clinic over the Christmas holidays and returned to Congress "reinvigorated and healthy."

And popping pain pills like they were sweet tarts. I have all the faith in the world in our government. Why shouldn't I?

CIA Director Porter Goss Resigns

Another CIA director hands himself his own pink slip. If the CIA is the center of intelligence and the director is head of the center, one could determine that the smart move is not to work there.

CIA Director Porter Goss resigned unexpectedly Friday, nudged from the helm of a spy agency still reeling from intelligence failures before America's worst terrorist attack and faulty information that formed the U.S. rationale for invading Iraq.

When I was young I always thought of the CIA as some sort of super-secret agency that was full of the nations most unfailably successful spies, the stuff of movies where they save the world time and time again. Now I see it more like the Starbucks down the road.

The decision was the latest in a series of moves by President Bush to shake up his team and reinvigorate his second term.

The only way he's going to reinvigorate his second term is to actually accomplish something, anything. I'll be happy if he can prove he solved the Sunday Word Jumble.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

"World's oldest person" celebrates 128th birthday

I'll be killing myself at around 50-something. People aren't made to live that long.

Friends and relatives of Cruz Hernandez's gathered on Wednesday to celebrate her 128th birthday, a milestone that might make her the world's oldest person.

Unless there's some 130 year-old woman hiding in a cave I'd say it's an easy bet that Cruz here takes the crown.

Hernandez, who relatives say spends most of her time dozing and no longer speaks, was surrounded by some 200 people at her party, some bearing a cake and others dressed as Salvadoran mythological heroes.
Of course she doesn't speak, she's already said everything she has to say. Maybe death has forgotten all about her. Either that or she's a turtle.

Moussaoui Gets Life for Role in Sept. 11

Interesting...let's take a look.

Al-Qaida conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui escaped the death penalty Wednesday as a jury decided he deserved life in prison instead for his role in the bloodiest terrorist attack in U.S. history. "America, you lost," Moussaoui taunted.

Oh yea? At least we're still in the game.

After seven days of deliberation, the nine men and three women rebuffed the government's appeal for death for the only person charged in this country in the four suicide jetliner hijackings that killed nearly 3,000 people on Sept. 11, 2001.

No martyring for you, no virgins, no paradise, no glory. You're getting what's behind door number two. Prison. Tell him what he's won Jack.
Thanks Mad Man. Mr Moussaoui you'll be whisked away to a small shower where you'll be covered in powdered soap and sprayed with a hose of cold water. Then, you'll be up with the latest styles with your brand new prison clothes that don't quite fit. Before you know it, you'll be getting your ass kicked by guards and inmates and hopefully, if you're lucky, someone's going to fuck you. All this is now yours.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Wal-Mart Worker Finds Man Glued to Toilet

These things happen.

A 20-year-old was found by a Wal-Mart employee in the bathroom Sunday night after he sat down and was glued to the toilet seat.

Oh, the old crazy-glue-a-stranger-to-a-toilet-seat-in-Wal-Mart-trick, and he fell for it. Sucker.

The man, whose name was not released by police, was taken to the hospital late Sunday night.

Yeah, I'd probably withhold my name as well. The last thing I want my fifteen minutes of fame to be about is how my taking a shit at Wal-Mart went horribly wrong and they needed hot water and a spatula to get my ass off the toilet seat like I was a fucking flapjack.

"The man had gone into the bathroom and sat down," she said. "He was banging on the wall when the employee came in."

There is just no way to explain your dilemna at that point in a non-ambarassing manner.
Kudos to the Wal-Mart employee who lended a hand. No way I would have went into that bathroom. I've lost all faith in humanity and would have thought it a trick, a ploy, in order to hurt my fragile and highly valuable body.

Iran threatens Israel if US acts "evil"

This would be funnier if this country didn't treat Israel like our little sister.

Iran threatened on Tuesday to attack Israel in response to any "evil" act by the United States and said it had enriched uranium to a level close to the maximum compatible with civilian use in power stations.

So who do they attack in England acts "evil"? I don't have the patience to figure out this terror-jumble attack plan. If we bomb Iran, Iran bombs Israel and then Israel pretty much bombs everyone who prays on a little carpet right?

The defiant statements were issued shortly before world powers met in Paris late on Tuesday to plan their next moves after Tehran rejected a U.N. call to halt uranium enrichment.

I hate Iran. I hate everybody right now cause I just spilled my coffee. Fuck this.
Iran's bad, Israel is being threatened again and blah blah blah. The more things change the more they stay the same. Quick question though, how is it that all the country's of the world managed to put crazy fucking people into power?

Berlusconi relents, formally steps down as prime minister

They don't love you anymore buddy. But take it from me, you have a bright future in comedy.

Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi resigned yesterday, formally and begrudgingly accepting defeat in last month's national elections and vowing to undermine the government chosen to succeed his own.

Well, at least he's not bitter.

'We will be missed," Berlusconi was quoted as telling his Cabinet in its final meeting earlier in the day.

If that were true, they wouldn't have voted you out. It's sad watching the popular kids lose their popularity. They struggle with it. At first they refuse to believe it, then theymake excuses and finally, they accept it, but swear revenge. Most people grow out of this after high-school. Apparently, some, never do.

''We will be remembered as the best government in the history of the republic."

I doubt that. Honetly, once everyone who was alive while you ruled is dead, your name will become a tough question on Jeopardy. You didn't do anything truly historic, besides pick your nose and eat it in public, hump a parking meter lady on camera (they apparently either don't have sexual assault in Italy or the President gets a free pass) and make obscene claims during your re-election bid. Ok, maybe you will be remembered, but not for what you think you will be for. (Does that sentence make sense?)
Then Berlusconi performed the ritual that he had stubbornly refused to do for three weeks: He walked down a red carpet into the Quirinale Palace and handed his letter of resignation to President Carlo Azeglio Ciampi.

That's a pride killer right there. Have to hand your letter of resignation to the guy who just kicked your ass in the elections. I would have mailed it.

Experienced crew piloted crashed plane

Well, isn't that ironic? Does that mean they were experienced in crashing?

An Armenian commercial jet carrying 113 people crashed into the Black Sea as it approached the Russian resort city of Sochi in stormy weather, killing everyone on board, Russia's Emergency Ministry said today.

I'm spending my vacation relaxing at a resort at the Black Sea. What could possibly go wrong?

The passenger plane of the Armenian air company Armavia that crashed into the Black Sea was in an excellent technical condition, cleared for flights and piloted by an experienced crew, the company’s deputy commercial director Andrei Agadzhanov said.

And yet, it still came down out of the sky like a giant piece of man-made hail. This just goes to show, when it's the pilot time to go, he's taking everybody with him.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Businesses Vacant While Thousands March In Rallies

Hope you weren't trying to get some landscaping done yesterday.

Far from the boisterous streets where hundreds of thousands of illegal immigrants and their supporters marched Monday, many of the restaurants, factories and construction sites they boycotted stood silent.

Mostly because no one in their right mind would walk through a mob of thousands and thousands of angry Mexicans.

Kitchens that normally serve food were empty.

I had dinner out last night. There are no illegal immigrants in my town, or, cable costs too much and they don't have TV and just didn't hear about the protest.

Meat-processing plants came to a halt.

Oh god no! No one processed meat yesterday? What will we do? Where will we go?

Fields were barren of workers.

But ironically, it was just a little more peaceful without the leaf blowers.

"666" sense: Date marked with caution

Yes everybody, June 6th this year will be 6/6/06 or, for those Bible nuts out there, the mark of the beast with a zero thrown in the middle. Many believe the horrific and most evil Tuesday ever will bring with it destruction in the forms of Biblical plagues or holy fire raining from the sky like the clouds have gonorrhea. I'm expecting a Tuesday. Maybe I'll have a deviled egg just for kicks.

With June 6, 2006, rapidly approaching, authorities are carefully watching to see if that date - 6/6/06 - spurs demonstrations or violent activity.

Nah, we'll probably have a bunch of religious fanatics screaming the end times but they'll shut the fuck up by about 11:58pm.

They are aware that 666 signifies the Mark of the Beast or the Antichrist to some organizations and believe June 6 is a date that could trigger problems.

666 is Nero, the Roman Emperor. If you don't know what I'm talking about you didn't do your homework on the Antichritst and the Rapture...both of which do not appear anywhere in the Bible but are strong Christian beliefs. Weird people on this planet. I call them stupids.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Susan Sarandon: I had death threats for opposing war

Are you sure they weren't for the movies you've made lately cause they've been sub-par at best?

Film actress Susan Sarandon has revealed how she felt isolated and frightened by death threats and verbal attacks after she criticised US policy in Iraq.

I feel so very bad for you, all isolated and frightened inside your multi-million dollar estate with your own security force surrounding the compound, only your piles and piles of money to keep you company. It must have been horrible. Meanwhile, I get death threats and I have to sit up all night with a gun. Really, tell me more about YOUR fucking problems.

The Thelma & Louise actress, a long-time political activist, said that she was branded a "Bin Laden lover" for questioning the US invasion of Iraq.

You know, a woman once accused me of being Bin Laden;s best friend because she thought I cut her in line at Suncoast. True story. Me and Mrs. Sarandon have a lot in common, except of course, the money.

Ms Sarandon, 59, said that she believed there should have been more debate before the war, but anyone who questioned US policy was labelled "un-American".

Seriously, Susan Sarandon is the devil. Anyone who is that old and still incredibly fuckable is the devil. Don't trust her.

Pesticides may affect penis size

The bad news keeps getting worse.

A renowned U.S. scientist who has documented fertility and sex changes -- including decreasing penis size -- due to environmental contamination says he wouldn't apply pesticides on his own lawn.

Well, we all care about the enviroment, unless you're Republican but didn't we kind of already know pesticides were bad? Now we learn that they may make your wee-wee smaller...scary.

Illegal Immigrants Plan Nationwide Boycott

They are now, truly, Americans.

Today has been set aside for immigrants to boycott work, school and shopping to show how much they matter to their communities. But with some growing tired of street protests, and others afraid they'll be deported or fired for walking out, people are planning to support the effort in myriad ways.

What better way to prove you've been American-ized than getting your ass fire? Getting canned is more American than apple pie.

Some will work but buy nothing today. Others will protest at lunch breaks or at rallies after work. There will be church services, candlelight vigils, picnics and human chains.

What exactly are you protesting? You're in a country illegally. Most people would want a low profile. In other countries you'd just be shot. Personally, I'm all for immigration but at least have enough respect for the country you're immigrating to to one, do it legally and two, learn the shared language of the land so we can fucking communicate with you. I would do it if I immigrated somewhere other than America.