Sunday, September 30, 2007

Sunday Sign of Hope September 30th 2007

US toll in Iraq at low ebb as Ramadan attacks decline

From AFP:

US military deaths in Iraq stood at a 14-month low on Sunday and Ramadan attacks were sharply down on last year, US commanders said, while announcing that at least 20 insurgents had been killed.

The military said the suspected Al-Qaeda militants were killed by US aircraft as they headed into a palm grove northwest of Baghdad on Saturday after opening fire on an air patrol with a rocket-propelled grenade and small arms.

As September drew to a close, US military losses for the month stood at 71, the lowest monthly figure since July last year, according to an AFP tally based on Pentagon figures.

The figure marks the fourth consecutive drop in the monthly death toll following a high of 121 in May.

US commanders said this was largely thanks to the "surge" strategy which saw an extra 28,500 US personnel deployed from mid-February, mainly in Baghdad and the neighbouring province of Anbar to the west.

"The trend is certainly in the right direction," US military spokesman Rear Admiral Mark Fox told a press conference in Baghdad.

"The surge unquestionably is what has been the catalyst that has created the opportunity to have more forces operating in more places at the same time and to deny Al-Qaeda and the extremists safe haven and to take away sanctuaries."

The commander on the ground in Al-Anbar province, the big success story as far as the military is concerned thanks to an anti-Al-Qaeda partnership with Sunni sheikhs, said things were even better in his zone during Ramadan.

Brigadier General Mark Gurganus reported a 38 percent drop in incidents across Iraq during the first fortnight of Ramadan compared to the same period last year.

In Anbar, there had been roughly 90 incidents during each of the first two weeks of the Muslim holy month this year compared to 415 during one week alone in 2006.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Ahmadinejad: Bush can speak at a university if he should ever travel to Iran

Now if only we could trust your people not to try and kill our President. Say what you will about Americans, at least we're civil enough not to try and kill someone we disagree with.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has extended an invitation to U.S. President George W. Bush to speak at an Iranian university if the American leader ever traveled to the Islamic Republic, state-run television reported Friday.

I would urge the President to respond in some way but, fuck, you ever hear that guy give a speech? It's like watching a retarded mouse try to navigate a maze.

As part of his controversial trip to New York, the hardline Iranian leader spoke Monday at Columbia University, where he faced hostile questioning and a combative introduction by the university's president, who said Ahmadinejad exhibited "all the signs of a petty and cruel dictator."

"And you smell funny you crazy, little man."

"If their president plans to travel to Iran, we will allow him to make a speech" at a university, Ahmadinejad told state TV before leaving New York to travel to South America earlier this week.

I would have concerns saying anything in public in a country that has a protest every couple of weeks that involves people chanting "Death to" anything. You can't reason with people like that. At least at Columbia University Ahmadinejad was dealing with mostly reasonable, educated and open-minded individuals. That's why he got laughed at.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Video Shows Toddler Used to Steal Purse

Armed robbery?

Police are trying to catch an adult seen on a surveillance videotape using his 4-year-old granddaughter to steal a purse from a boardwalk arcade worker.

At least he's teaching the kid a skill that the child can use in his future. I mean, being used by your Grandpa to commit theft sure isn't going to lead this toddler down a path involving college and a sense of responisbility.

Authorities released the videotape and say they have several leads in a case that some are comparing to Charles Dickens' "Oliver Twist."

"This robbery sure reminds me of that classic novel..."

The video shows an adult with shoulder-length brown hair with a girl and a red-haired boy. The adult uses a foot to push the girl under a short swinging door and the child steals a worker's purse.

Illegal but creative. Reminds me of the time I had to punt my daughter through the window to my apartment cause I locked my keys inside. We live on the third floor. I have to go to court Tuesday.

Video below.

'Ninja Robbers' Caught After Car Breaks Down

Ninja don't drive cars. They fly through the air and can walk on the branches of trees. I've seen Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.

Two suspects in a ninja-like robbery in Richland Township are behind bars after being arrested in Kentucky.

God damn ninja. It just isn't safe out there anymore.

On Saturday, two people armed with a dagger and samurai sword at the Sunoco on Route 8, tied up the clerk and got away with lottery tickets and cash.

Ninja love their scratch offs that's for sure.

Police arrested James Riley, 20, Vanessa Weisbrot, 18, and one other suspect after their car broke down in Kentucky.

"Dispatch, this is 5-17. I've pulled over a car full of ninja, probably going to need backup."

Police said they were running off to California.

Fucking Cali, full of ninja, I've been saying it for years.

6 Die From Brain-Eating Amoeba

Brain-eating amoeba? That sounds like it sucks. Wonder how one knows they have a brain-eating amoeba. I wonder if it slowly eats your brain away or if it takes one huge gulp. Sounds painful either way actually. And you know, this would explain a lot of the conversations I've had with people the last year or so. Seems like everyones brain is being eaten away.

It sounds like science fiction but it's true: A killer amoeba living in lakes enters the body through the nose and attacks the brain where it feeds until you die.

Hold on, I'm cancelling my trip to the lake.

Even though encounters with the microscopic bug are extraordinarily rare, it's killed six boys and young men this year. The spike in cases has health officials concerned, and they are predicting more cases in the future.

How does one fight an amoeba? This is bad. My brain hurts.

"This is definitely something we need to track," said Michael Beach, a specialist in recreational waterborne illnesses for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Hopefully these amoeba aren't as crafty as say Osama bin Laden cause I've lost confidence in the US tracking ability.

"This is a heat-loving amoeba. As water temperatures go up, it does better," Beach said. "In future decades, as temperatures rise, we'd expect to see more cases."

Oh no, global warming is causing amoeba to eat our brains. Most people would be better off with their brains being eaten.

In Arizona, David Evans said nobody knew his son, Aaron, was infected with the amoeba until after the 14-year-old died on Sept. 17. At first, the teen seemed to be suffering from nothing more than a headache.

They got a little suspicious after they caught him watching The View.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

South Carolina Fire Department catches fire

I wonder if they still run the siren on the firetruck for that.

A fire station caught on fire Tuesday night. It happened in the small town of Bishopville. The fast response of Lee County firefighters and emergency workers helped avoid a total loss.

I would imagine the firefighters response time was pretty fast considering the fire was in the next room.

Lt. Brian Eargle says, "It's obvious no one is safe from fire. It can happen to anyone at anytime. Fire - it doesn't care who it picks."

Like Eddie Murphay.

"We had some plaques here on the wall ... station of the year."

But they were destroyed in the fire. Ironic.

"Soon as I opened the door it was this high solid black smoke," says Lt. Eargle. "I went out the back door and got the trucks out as quick as I can."

He then drove them back in a fought the fire.

As for the cause, he says, "Right now - at this time we're think it was an electrical outlet."

Sure, come on, you were playing with matches and you know it.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Russian woman's 12th baby weighs in at 7.75 kg

For those of us in the US, that's 17 pounds. I don't know what's more strange. A 12 pound baby or that people have 12 babies, you know, outside of the Middle East or Utah.

A Siberian woman who gave birth to her 12th child -- doing more than her fair share to stem Russia's population decline -- was stunned to find that little Nadia weighed in at a massive 7.75 kg (17.1 lb)

I thought I heard a ripping sound earlier.

Nadia was delivered by caesarean section in the local maternity hospital in the Altai region on September 17, joining eight sisters and three brothers, a local reporter said.

And she already has a weight problem. Rough stuff.

"We were all simply in shock," said Nadia's mother, Tatyana Barabanova, 43.

In between vomiting.

"What did the father say? He couldn't say a thing -- he just stood there blinking."

"You cheated on me with a hippo didn't you Tatyana."

"I ate everything, we don't have the money for special foods so I just ate potatoes, noodles and tomatoes," she told the reporter, adding that all her previous babies had weighed more than 5 kg.

"And I always followed each meal with a tall, cold glass of radioactive waste. I have no idea why she's so big."

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Rising sea levels would submerge third of Bangladesh

Oh no, where would we get our...our...wait, what good is Bangladesh?

A one-metre rise in sea levels would submerge a third of Bangladesh and displace millions, the head of the country's military-backed government has warned.

That's not true, it wouldn't displace anyone. Haven't you ever seen Kevin Costners' Waterworld? Wait, no one saw that movie.

Fakhruddin Ahmed, speaking on Monday at a climate change summit at the United Nations in New York, called on richer nations to help poorer countries tackle global warming.

Fakruddin sounds like a dirty word.

"Today we are confronted with the difficult reality that the phenomenon of climate change is not a myth and that its impacts are no more a conjecture," the state-run BSS news agency quoted Fakhruddin saying.

Oh just learn to swim and you'll be fine.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Quotes by Iran's Ahmadinejad

As some of you may know Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke today at Columbia University. This should be good. Let's see what ol' crazybottoms had to say. And don't ask where ol' crazybottoms came from cause I have no idea.

—On the Holocaust:

Why is it that the Palestinian people are paying the price for an event they had nothing to do with?

Cause everyone else already paid for that war.

—On Holocaust deniers:

My question was simple: There are researchers who want to approach the topic from a different perspective. Why are they put into prison? Right now, there are a number of European academics who have been sent to prison because they attempted to write about the Holocaust or research it from a different perspective, questioning certain aspects of it. My question is: Why isn't it open to all forms of research?

The Holocaust is one of the best documented action of our time. Denying the Holocaust is like denyine that the Earth is round or that water is wet. While I agree no one should go to jail for speaking their beliefs, you have to set a limit to how stupid people can be allowed to be. After all nothing is as dangerous as stupid people in large numbers.

—On 9/11:

Why did this happen? What caused it? What conditions led to it? .. Who truly was involved? Who was really involved and put it all together?

It happened because some Islamist radicals have a destorted sense of their religion. Claiming you kill civilians because of a governments foreign policy is a copout. The difference between an act of war and an act of terrorism is all about the target.

—On executions of homosexuals in Iran:

In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country. We don't have that like in your country. ... In Iran we do not have this phenomenon. I don't know who's told you that we have this.

He then went on to claim he wasn't sitting in a chair, there was no microphone in front of him and, in fact, he wasn't even really there.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Sunday Sign of Hope September 23rd 2007

Report: IDF seized nuclear material before Syria air strike

See now that's how you deal with a regime trying to go nuclear. No debate, no dipolmacy, you just go in there and take it away from them.

From Haaretz:

Israel Defense Forces commandos seized nuclear material of North Korean origin during a raid on a secret military site in Syria before the Israel Air Force allegedly bombed it this month, British newspaper The Sunday Times reported Sunday. The report, based on what the newspaper called "informed sources in Washington and Jerusalem," said the air strike was carried out with United States approval after Washington was shown evidence the material was nuclear related. The paper quoted Israeli sources as saying Israeli special forces had been gathering intelligence for several months in Syria, and had located the nuclear material at a compound in the country's north.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

First bluetongue disease case in the UK

For those of you not in the know, Bluetongue is when you're really, really close to having oral sex but then you don't for some reason and your tongue is left aching.

THE farming industry was facing another potentially devastating blow last night after the first-ever case of bluetongue disease was confirmed in the UK. The infected animal - a cow at a Suffolk petting farm - is believed to have been bitten by a midge carrying the disease. Plans are already in place to test insects to see if the incident is a one-off. If bluetongue is widespread it could lead to the setting up of exclusion zones and restrictions on the movement of farm animals.

What's a midge?

The disease, which has a mortality rate of 70% among sheep, cannot be passed from animal to animal, unlike foot and mouth, but can cause devastation if it is widespread in the insect population.

Should we panic? Should I panic? I'll panic. Just in case you know. Ok...I'm panicking.

Bluetongue, which does not affect humans, has been gradually moving north through Europe.

Oh...well...I'll still panic. Can't stop once I start, it stings.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Nicolas Sarkozy backs US on Iran bomb

The French are on the same side with the USA about something? Weird.

President Nicolas Sarkozy of France has directly accused Iran of seeking a nuclear bomb and urged "stronger sanctions" against Teheran.

Does that mean we can stop calling French fries "freedom" fries now cause that's just fucking stupid.

It was the latest sign that Mr Sarkozy is positioning France as America's key European ally in tackling Teheran's nuclear ambitions.

I'm excited about seeing France take a hardline about something. Never seen it before. I'm intriqued. It's like watching a bunch of people picking on someone you know is a ninja and that ninja is trying really hard to be calm and not fight but finally the ninja has to fight and you know it's going to be good. I like ninjas. France is a ninja I guess is what I'm saying. That doesn't make sense does it? Sorry everybody, bad analogy.

Mr Sarkozy said France did not want a war, but flatly declared in a television interview that "Iran is trying to obtain an atomic bomb". He added: "That is unacceptable and I tell the French people it is unacceptable."

I think we all know this already but hey, thanks for coming by.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Iran's president says he won't insist on ground zero visit

I don't think anyone should tour ground zero that might find it funny.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Thursday that he won't push to visit the site of the destroyed World Trade Center during his visit to the United Nations next week.

Let me put it this way Mahmoud, the suits in Washington DC, they play politics, New Yorkers, they don't. You make one wrong facial expression at ground zero and you'll have New Yorkers all over you like white on rice.

The controversial leader asked to "pay his respects" and lay a wreath at the site of the 2001 al Qaeda attacks, but New York city officials on Wednesday denied that request, citing safety concerns at what is now a construction site.

Regardless of an Americans stance on the War on Terror or the Iraq war, ground zero is still a sacred sight. More than 3,000 INNOCENT Americans lost their lives on that spot. No one is welcome there that can't respect that. Fuck your wreath, show your respects by handing over those al-qaeda leaders that are holed up in your country. Lay them down at ground zero.

Ahmadinejad said he would try to visit the site "if we have the time and the conditions are conducive." But if local officials cannot make the proper arrangements, "I won't insist," he said in an interview to be aired Sunday on CBS' "60 Minutes."


Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Iran Draws Up Plans to Bomb Israel

This is the first attack plan ever constructed with Elmers Glue, glitter, construction paper and crayons.

The deputy commander of Iran's air force said Wednesday that plans have been drawn up to bomb Israel if the Jewish state attacks Iran, according to the semi-official Fars news agency.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a HUGE Israel supporter. I don't agree with a lot of the things they do, although I'll admit their reaction to Munich was AWESOME, but something tells me that Israel doesn't give a shit.

The announcement comes amid rising tensions in the region with the United States calling for a new round of U.N. sanctions against Iran over its disputed nuclear program and Israeli planes having recently overflown, and perhaps even attacked, Iranian ally Syria's territory.

Don't forget France. Wow, never thought I'd say that. But France is talking shit too.

"We have drawn up a plan to strike back at Israel with our bombers if this regime (Israel) makes a silly mistake," deputy air force chief, Gen. Mohammad Alavi was quoted as telling Fars in an interview.

Here's a bit of news for you Iran. If Israel does decide to attack you, that's pretty much going to devastate and destroy your capabilities of striking back. I'm sure they wouldn't be aiming at local bakeries and the like. Pretty sure they would be targeting your military capabilities. Remember, Iran and Iraq fought to a stand still over the course of 8 years. Iraq fell to the US in about 13 hours. Israel decimated Egypt, Syria and Jordan forces in 6 days. Do your homework Iran.

Man bitten after putting rattlesnake in his mouth

From the "What the fuck did you think was going to happen?" section of your local paper.

Snake collector Matt Wilkinson of Portland, Oregon grabbed a 20-inch rattler from the highway near Maupin, and three weeks later, to impress his ex-girlfriend, he stuck the serpent in his mouth.

I stop trying to impress women when it comes to handling deadly animals. See, if my girlfriend walked into the room with a glass cage containing a venomous rattlesnake and said, "If you love me you'll put this in your mouth" (God, if I had a nickel for how many times I'VE said that) you know what I'd be doing that night? That's right. Filling out restraining order papers.

He was soon near death with a swollen tongue that blocked his throat. Trauma doctors at the Oregon Health and Science University saved his life.

Way to go there Matty. You're lucky you're still alive. Now you have years and years to reflect on what you did wrong.But then again, love makes you do weird things I guess.

"You can assume alcohol was involved," he said.

Sometimes love needs help making you do stupid shit.

Actually, not just beer. It was something he called a "mixture of stupid stuff."

Yeah, alcohol, an ex-girlfriend, a rattlesnake and your tiny, tiny voice of reason.

It happened at a barbecue with friends.

You need new friends Matt. Like my mother always said, "True friends won't let you stick a venomous snake in your mouth." Seriously though, if I'm at a barbecue and one of my drunk friends decides, hey, now's a good time to take the poisonous animal out of its cage, I'm knocking someone the fuck out.

Wilkinson, 23, had downed a six-pack and his ex-girlfriend asked him for a beer. He handed her one, not realizing the snake was also in his hand.

Actually, that's borderline attempted murder.

"She said, 'Get that thing out of my face,"' Wilkinson said.

Yeah, I've heard that before.

"I told her it was a nice snake. 'Nothing can happen. Watch."

But something did happen, didn't it Matt?

So he stuck the snake in his mouth. "It got a hold of my tongue," he said.

This is why it's so important to stay in school kids.

He was having breathing problems when his ex-girlfriend drove him to the hospital. "She was the only one sober," Wilkinson said.

And apparently the only one capable of rational thought. Girl, hang with a different crowd.

Wilkinson, who works in construction, has yet to return to work. His three Western diamondback rattlers have been removed from his home.

He should be forced to wear a helmet at all times.

He says co-workers have been pretty blunt. "They were like, 'What the heck were you thinking?"' Wilkinson said. The answer? "It's my own stupidity."

That it was Matt. That it was.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Locals fall sick after meteorite lands in Peru

This is how it starts. Small little article in a few newspapers, a few people not feeling well. Next thing you know 97.3% of the earth's population is either dead or turned into red-eyed zombie-like cannibals that only die if you separate the head from the body.

More than 100 people in a remote province of Peru have been struck by a mystery illness after a meteorite crashed there at the weekend.

Ever seen The Blob?

Authorities say villagers living near the Bolivia border fell ill after going to the see the 20-metre wide crater.

UFOs man. They're done probing our southern population, they've moved on to chemical warfare.

Their complaints include headaches, vomiting and nausea.

And an insatiable hunger for human flesh.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Dead Man Wakes Up During Autopsy

Lucky I wasn't the doctor performing that autopsy. I would have bashed his skull in. Hey, I've seen Night of the Living Dead.

Venezuelan Carlos Camejo (33), who had been declared dead, woke up in the morgue during the autopsy.

Umm...what you doing there doc?

Camejo had been declared dead after a traffic accident near Caracas and transported to the hospital morgue. Pathologists realized that there was something wrong when Carnejo started bleeding during the autopsy.

And the screaming, the screaming was the second sign something wasn't right.

I woke up because the pain was unbearable, the 'dead man' told El Universal newspaper. His wife, who had been asked to come to the morgue to identify him, found him sitting in the hall - alive.

Jeez, remind me not to take a nap in Venezuela.

The hospital did not wish to comment on the incident. As proof of his claims, Carnejo offered a scar and a document ordering autopsy.

Other than "oops, our bad" what really can they say?

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Sunday Sign of Hope September 16th 2007

Israelis blew apart Syrian nuclear cache

From TimesOnline:

IT was just after midnight when the 69th Squadron of Israeli F15Is crossed the Syrian coast-line. On the ground, Syria’s formidable air defences went dead. An audacious raid on a Syrian target 50 miles from the Iraqi border was under way.

At a rendezvous point on the ground, a Shaldag air force commando team was waiting to direct their laser beams at the target for the approaching jets. The team had arrived a day earlier, taking up position near a large underground depot. Soon the bunkers were in flames.

Ten days after the jets reached home, their mission was the focus of intense speculation this weekend amid claims that Israel believed it had destroyed a cache of nuclear materials from North Korea.

The Israeli government was not saying. “The security sources and IDF [Israeli Defence Forces] soldiers are demonstrating unusual courage,” said Ehud Olmert, the prime minister. “We naturally cannot always show the public our cards.”

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Teen drivers told to focus

You're talking about an age group that spends 95% of their day wishing and hoping and fantasizing about someone touching them in their bathing suit area.

Teens will now have more than their parents insisting they not use devices such as cell phones while they're behind the wheel of a vehicle. A new law that becomes effective July 1 will require it.

Oh thank God, cause we all know if anyone obeys the law, it's teenagers.

On Thursday, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed SB 33, a bill written by Sen. Joe Simitian, D-Palo Alto, which bans teenage drivers from using electronic devices - such as cell phones, pagers and laptops - while behind the wheel.

If you're using a laptop while you're driving you deserve to be shot through your windshield like a cannonball.

The signing took place at Sequoia High School in Redwood City.

The students cheered as the bill was signed, but mainly because they had be allowed to skip 7th period math.

Under the newly signed bill, 16- and 17-year-olds cannot use any electronic device, such as cell phones, text-messaging devices, laptop computers, pagers, walkie-talkies and handheld computers, while driving.

This way it saves the rescue workers time from having to remove a cell phone from their ass after they slam the car into a telephone pole.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Sunni tribes vow to avenge murder of pro-US leader

No better way to start off the holy month than avenging a murder.

SUNNI Arab tribes in the western Iraqi province of Anbar yesterday vowed to avenge the death of their leader Abdul Sattar Abu Reesha, the sheik who inspired the Sunni uprising against al-Qa'ida and was killed in a bomb attack near his home this week.

Al-qaeda in Iraq is sure losing friends fast. You have to wonder why we don't see more of this in the news.

Abu Reesha, 36, was the leader of the so-called Anbar Awakening, the grassroots revolt in which Sunnis joined forces with the US military to expel from swaths of western Iraq al-Qa'ida terrorists who had imposed a Taliban-style rule of terror.

Sunni militants joining forces with the US against al-qaeda? That sounds like good news. How come this isn't all over the papers. After all, Americans do WANT our forces to prevail in Iraq. Don't they?

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Bush Orders Gradual Troop Cuts in Iraq

Everything comes to an end eventually.

President Bush, defending an unpopular war, ordered gradual reductions in U.S. forces in Iraq on Thursday night and said, "The more successful we are, the more American troops can return home."

Sounds like a line my mother used on me as a kid. "The better grades you get the more ice cream you can have."

Yet, Bush firmly rejected calls to end the war, insisting that Iraq will still need military, economic and political support from Washington after his presidency ends.

Yeah but that's not really up to you is it?

Bush said that 5,700 U.S. forces would be home by Christmas and that four brigades - for a total of at least 21,500 troops - would return by July, along with an undetermined number of support forces. Now at its highest level of the war, the U.S. troop strength stands at 168,000.

Now the question is, how will America welcome home it's sons and daughters, mothers and fathers? I forsee a lot of moronic behavior.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Russia tests 'Dad Of All Bombs'

Neat, more destruction.

Russia's military has successfully tested what it describes as the world's most powerful non-nuclear air-delivered bomb.

That's nice. Good to hear that people are still hard at work at trying to better life on this planet.

Channel One television said the new ordnance, nicknamed the "Dad Of All Bombs" is four times more powerful than the US "Mother Of All Bombs".

Yeah but wait till you see grandpa.

"The tests have shown that the new air-delivered ordnance is comparable to a nuclear weapon in its efficiency and capability," Col Gen Alexander Rukshin, a deputy chief of the Russian military's General Staff, said. Unlike a nuclear weapon, the bomb does not pose an environmental threat from the release of radiation, he added.

That way the people who get blown to ash could still have lived in the area affecting by the blast if they hadn't been blown to ash in the first place. It's an enviromentally-friendly bomb.
You think that Russia would have better things to worry about. I don't this:

Skip work, make babies, says Russian governor

The governor of a central Russian province urged couples to skip work on Wednesday and make love instead to help boost Russia's low birth-rate. And if a woman gives birth in exactly nine months time -- on Russia's national day on June 12 -- she will qualify for a prize, perhaps even winning a new home.

So Russia, you just keep building those bombs so that, in a century or so, you can protect the fifteen people living in your country.

Earth Might Survive Sun’s Explosion

Did I miss something? Sun's blowing up?

What happens to planets when their stars age and die?

Don't know but bet it ain't good.

That’s not an academic question. About five billion years from now, astronomers say, the Sun will run out of hydrogen fuel and swell temporarily more than 100 times in diameter into a so-called red giant, swallowing Mercury and Venus and dooming life on Earth, but perhaps not Earth itself.

And this is where I stop caring. One, won't be alive in 5 billion years, no one I know will be alive in 5 billion years and I feel I can pretty much guarantee that the human species won't be around in 5 billion years. In fact, I'd be surprised if we make it another 100 years.

Astronomers are announcing that they have discovered a planet that seems to have survived the puffing up of its home star, suggesting there is some hope that Earth could survive the aging and swelling of the Sun.

I have other things to worry about. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the ball of dirt and all but really, is this news?

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Never Forget

Monday, September 10, 2007

Damnit Earth returns...tomorrow

Some of the more intelligent Damnit Earth readers may have noticed that there were no new posts this weekend. For those that didn't notice, just ignore this post, everything is alright with the world and you can continue eating your ice cream sandwiches, not so quickly you'll get an ice cream headache.

So Friday night I was sitting by my computer, minding my own beeswax when suddenly, BAM!, banged my knee. Now for those of you that have knees and have ever been unfortunate enough to bang one of them, (you have two, enjoying that ice cream?) you will understand how painful that is. While I was writhing on the floor in excruciating pain I noticed a bright shiny nickel. (that's a whole five cents). Now most of you are thinking "So what, a nickel is only five cents, that's not much money at all, why are you telling me this. Why do I waste my time reading this blog?" and you're right. It's not worth much. But it happened. So if I left it out of the story I'd be lying by omission and I'm not a liar. And you read my blog cause you have nothing better to do. Admit it. Anywho, me and my bright nickel spent a weekend of adventures together. We traveled far and wide, saw and did things that I've wanted to do my entire life.

Actually, my internet died on Friday night and it took till this night for the damn technicians to fix the problem, which, like most of the worlds troubles, stemmed from an issue outside my home. So that thing with the nickel and my knee never happened. I guess I am a liar. Sorry. But hey, I'm pretty drunk right now so that's kind of like finding a nickel and I'm sure if I keep drinking I'll bang my knee at some point. Self fulfilling prophecy.

Join me tomorrow for some news and some laughs. Or just news if you have no sense of humor.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Bin Laden to taunt US again in video marking 9/11

Why isn't he dead yet?

Osama Bin Laden plans to emerge from the shadows to taunt the United States again in a video message marking the sixth anniversary of the September 11 attacks, US-based monitoring services said on Thursday.

Six years. This guys been running around for six fucking years. I can't get away from a fucking parking ticket and this guys running around for six fucking years.

The video from the world's most wanted man would be the first such appearance by the Saudi extremist since October 2004, when he threatened new attacks against the United States just days before a US election.

So we know his appearance usually means nothing is going happen.

"The SITE Intelligence Group has learned that a new video message is forthcoming from the head of Al-Qaeda" on the 9/11 anniversary, said the group, which monitors extremist websites and publications.

Whatever. Who cares? I'm going back to bed.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Air Force official fired after 6 nukes fly over U.S.

I don't worry about terrorists. It's not religious fanatics that keep me up at night. It's just your everyday, normal people. It's the ones who are walking through life in a fog that scare me. Unfortunately, you can't legally kill them like you could Osama bin Lade.

A B-52 bomber was mistakenly armed with six nuclear warheads and flown for more than three hours across several states last week, prompting an Air Force investigation and the firing of one commander, Pentagon officials said Wednesday.

That could have been bad. So exactly how in fucking hell do you ACCIDENTALLY arm a B-52 with 6 nuclear warheads? Aren't there people watching those things?

Rep. Ike Skelton, chairman of the House Armed Services Committee, called the mishandling of the weapons “deeply disturbing” and said the committee would press the military for details.

I wonder if they would have blamed terrorists if that plane crashed.

The missiles, which are being decommissioned, were mounted onto pylons on the bomber’s wings and it is unclear why the warheads had not been removed beforehand. Earlier, the Associated Press erroneously reported the bomber was armed with only five warheads.

Get your facts right AP. It was 6 nuclear warheads, not 5. Really though, does that fucking matter?

The investigation is expected to take several weeks.

Just enough time for another fuck up to kill us all. So, before we move on, exactly which states were in danger of becoming a vast wasteland in which no living creature could survive?

You know what bothers me most about that flight path? The "Possible Flight Path" title. That means no one really knows where the bomber armed with nukes went. I feel safe.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

US adventurer Fossett is missing

Adventure's over.

An extensive search is underway for record-breaking US adventurer Steve Fossett, who went missing in his airplane in the Nevada desert.

Tell Amelia Earhart I said hey.

Mr Fossett was reportedly last seen taking off from the private airfield at the Flying M Ranch near Yerington, Nevada, on Monday evening.

I think we all know how this ends.

He was flying a blue and white single-engine Citabria plane.

So if you see one sticking out of the ground let someone know.

A Civil Air Patrol spokeswoman, Major Cynthia Ryan, said 13 planes were searching for the 63-year-old.

That's a pretty old plane.

Monday, September 03, 2007

God and Math Convince Ahmadinejad Iran is Safe

What if the math is wrong though?

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says his calculations as an engineer and his belief in God convince him that Iran will not be attacked by Western powers trying to end its nuclear programme.

That "If God is for us then who could be against us" attitude only works if you're facing off against demons spawned from the gates of Hell. And trust me, us westerners are not demons, we're too lazy to be demons.

Iran is under pressure to halt work that the West believes is part of a covert bid to build nuclear warheads. Tehran's denials and refusal to stop have prompted increasingly tough rhetoric from Western leaders, including refusals by Washington to rule out military action.

This is one of the first times I've heard God and Math mentioned in the same sentence without them being at odds with each other. You know what they say to someone who claims to be chosen by God AND a mathematical genius? Take your meds.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Sunday Sign of Hope September 2nd 2007

Freed Koreans arrive home to tearful welcome

From Online Edition:

South Korean Christians who endured six weeks as hostages of the Taliban in Afghanistan spent their first day at home yesterday, reuniting with loved ones, getting medical checks and praying together.

The 19 former hostages, let go in stages last week under a deal between Taliban insurgents and the South Korean government, arrived early in the day on an overnight flight from Dubai.

Looking exhausted and confused, they bowed before TV cameras in a brief appearance at the airport before being whisked away to a hospital in Anyang, just south of Seoul, where they were expected to spend at least a couple of weeks.

Upon meeting loved ones, the former hostages and their families broke into tears, exchanging hugs and caresses. Sometimes pained expressions, however, gradually gave way to smiles.

"I still can't believe my wife really came back home alive," said Rhu Haeng-sik, husband of Kim Yoon-young. He said their two children were "really happy to be embraced by their mother."

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Eastern suburbs cat high on cocaine

He chased his tail for a record 4 hours straight. Caught it twice.

A cat in Sydney's eastern suburbs was taken to a vet high on cocaine and benzodiazepines. have a problem.

The eight-month-old Himalayan cat arrived at the Double Bay clinic on Monday morning with dilated pupils and a racing heart after being accidentally locked in a cupboard overnight, Fairfax newspapers reported.

I think I know how the owners accidentally locked the cat in the cupboard.

It was having trouble walking, was easily startled, paced incessantly and was too anxious to have a thermometer inserted into its rectum, said a report in this month's edition of Journal of Feline Medicine and Surgery.

I don't know if it's fair to judge how high on drugs something is by the amount of anxiety it has to having something inserted into its rectum. Hell, even after fifteen sleeping pills, two bottles of nyquil and five bashes from a baseball bat to the forehead, I'd still have a pretty high anxiety level.

The owner was adamant the cat had not been exposed to drugs, mouldy food or toxic plants.

"He's been hanging with some shady looking cats down the corner."

But when the vet phoned the owner's wife, she admitted the cat could have licked "plates of cocaine" which had been served at a dinner party two days earlier.

Now THAT'S a fucking dinner party.
"And for desert everyone find a vein."

The owner was counselled and allowed to take the cat home as there is no legal requirement for vets to report such cases to the police.

However you can alert the media all you want.