Saturday, September 30, 2006

Bin Laden's deputy calls Bush a failure and liar

Yeah...from a cave.

Al-Qaida No. 2 Ayman al-Zawahri called U.S. President George W. Bush a failure and a liar in the war on terror in a video statement released Friday, and he compared Pope Benedict to the 11th century pontiff who launched the First Crusade.

You're living in the past Ayman. Seriously, you guys are literally living in the past.

"Can't you be honest at least once in your life, and admit that you are a deceitful liar who intentionally deceived your nation when you drove them to war in Iraq?"

No, the American President cannot be honest. If he could he wouldn't be in politics. I don't need al-qaeda to tell me my president's a shithead. I know that already. I just want to be safe in my home and I want justice for those killed on 9/11. I would also really enjoy a lemon slurpy.

"Bush, you deceitful charlatan, 3 1/2 years have passed since your capture of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, so how have you found us during this time? Losing and surrendering? Or are we launching attacks with God's help and becoming martyrs?" he said.


Judges, voters worldwide chose Miss World 2006

You got your work cut out for you sweetheart. Well, get started. Pst...I'd start in the middle east section. They need all the help they can get.

Judges supported by voters worldwide chose Miss World 2006 from among 104 contestants in the 56th annual finals of the beauty contest Saturday.

In a world gone mad, it's nice to know we still judge people on looks.

Tatana Kucharova, an 18-year-old student from the Czech Republic, won the Miss World 2006 beauty contest on Saturday.

Yes, as we all know, an 18-year old woman is wise in the ways of the world. I feel world peace sneaking up on me in a suicide vest already.

Georgia trying to provoke conflict, says Russia

They started it!

Russia on Friday decided to partly evacuate its diplomats from Tbilisi, the capital of former Soviet republic of Georgia, in the wake of rising tension over the arrest of four Russian army officers on spying charges.

This may sound bitter, but I like to see world conflict not involving the US every once in awhile. It's a nice reminder that while we may be a big part of the problem, we're not the only problem.
Moscow has already recalled its ambassador from Tbilisi.

He was defective.

No survivors in Brazilian plane crash

This is why I don't like flying. Sure they say it's a safer way to travel and you're more likely to have a car accident but, well, you can have a little fender-bender in a car. A fender-bender on a plane shoves every single one of the hundred plus passengers into one piece of carry-on baggage.

ALL 155 people on board a passenger plane that nose-dived into the Amazon jungle on a route popular with backpackers and tourists were feared dead last night.

Well, at least they put it nicely.
"All 155 passengers were believed dead when their plane hit the Amazon jungle like a fucking dart."

The plane crashed after an apparent near-miss with an executive jet above the Brazilian rainforest as it flew from the river city of Manaus to Brasilia, the capital.

Wasn't a near-miss, it was a near-hit. If it was a near-miss it would have smashed head-on into that jet.

It had been due to travel on to Rio de Janeiro.

It will be slightly delayed.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Another Republican Congressman resigns

Another? Where have I been?

Florida Republican Rep. Mark Foley resigned from the U.S. Congress on Friday after reports that he sent sexually inappropriate e-mails to underage congressional male interns were revealed.

I like to think that the people we vote into office to run the United States have more sense than this. I'm obviously wrong. Guys, paper trail.

Foley, a six-term state representative and chairman of the House caucus on missing and exploited children, said he would resign immediately after ABC News reported he sent messages to current and former congressional pages with repeated references to sexual organs and acts.

So the chairman of the House caucus on missing and exploited children sent sexually explicit e-mails to, well, children. Wonderful. I love this country. With each passing day, if you listen really carefully, you can actually hear the people here getting crazier.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Florida priests accused of embezzling $8 million

God be with you...but not with you!

In a bold scheme carried out over decades, two respected priests are accused of stealing more than $8.6 million in cash from the collection plates at St. Vincent Ferrer Catholic Church to bankroll lavish secret lives that included steady girlfriends, investments in property in Florida and Ireland and gambling junkets to casinos in Las Vegas and the Bahamas.

These are the middle-men between you and God for you Catholics. They'll make sure he gets your confession, right after a quick roll. Come on lucky seven! Damn...crapped out.

Arrested on a grand-theft charge was retired Monsignor John A. Skehan, 79, who served as pastor at St. Vincent for more than 40 years.

Luckily he was caught before he stole a lot of money. I mean 8.6 million is pocket change for churches.

"He was very remorseful . . .," Delray Beach Detective Thomas Whatley said.

I'm sure he was extremely remorseful after getting caught. So...umm...why did God let this happen?

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

German opera house axes show over Islamic fears

I bet that left at least five or six people really, really disappointed.

A leading opera house called off a production of Mozart's ''Idomeneo'' that features the severed head of the Prophet Muhammad, setting off a furious debate Tuesday over Islam, freedom of speech and the role of art.

If we start canceling things that might offend Muslims we'll be down to stonings, riots and murdering hostages.

The furor is the latest in Europe over religious sensitivities -- following cartoons of the prophet first published in a Danish newspaper and recent remarks by Pope Benedict XVI decrying holy war.

So when, as a collective world, are we going to get together and tell these people to go fuck themselves? You'd think the lions of Islam wouldn't be so damn touchy. You know what I do when someone insults my beliefs? (hypothetically of course, I don't believe in much. In fact I refused to acknowledge my own existence until I saw my birth certificate) I ignore it. After all, if you're sooooo sure that Islam is the one true way to follow God, then you'll have all afterlife to laugh at us infidels as we burn in hell. Of course, if things work out the other way, well, better bring some bottled water.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Iraq Is 'Cause Celebre' for Extremists

What the fuck is "Cause Celebre"? Probably ain't good.

A declassified government intelligence report says the war in Iraq has become a "cause celebre" for Islamic extremists, breeding deep resentment of the U.S. that is likely to get worse before it gets better.

It can get worse?

In the bleak report, released Tuesday on President Bush's orders, the nation's most veteran analysts conclude that despite serious damage to the leadership of al-Qaida, the threat from Islamic extremists has spread both in numbers and in geographic reach.

And here I thought this was going to be bad news. Wait a second...

"If this trend continues, threats to U.S. interests at home and abroad will become more diverse, leading to increasing attacks worldwide," the document says.

Good thing Bush order these findings released so that his approval rates would go up. Master strategist, thy name is not George W. Bush.

Monday, September 25, 2006

UK Troops Kill al-qaeda Leader

Wait cause this one gets even better.

British forces have killed a senior al-Qaeda fugitive in a raid on a house in the southern Iraqi city of Basra, security sources say. Officials named the dead man as Omar Farouq, a top lieutenant of Osama Bin Laden in south-east Asia. Farouq was captured in Indonesia in 2002 but escaped from a US military prison in Afghanistan last year. Security sources say he was hiding in Basra and was not known to be actively operating in the area.

Apparently, in the War on Terror, you only get captured once. Second time your coming out feet first.
The thing about this is, Omar al-Farouq escaped US custody. The guy should have been hiding as far from British or American soldiers as possible. So where does he go? Iraq. Apparently al-qaeda doesn't have an IQ requirement for membership.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Sunday Sign of Hope 9/24/06

Leader of Terror Group Arrested in Iraq

from Forbes:

U.S. and Iraqi forces have captured a leader of Ansar al-Sunnah, the group behind the 2004 attack on a U.S. military mess hall that killed 22 people, the prime minister's office said Saturday.

Muntasir Hamoud Ileiwi al-Jubouri and two of his aides were arrested in Al-Taeyh, about 50 miles northeast of Baghdad, said Brig. Qassim al-Mussawi, spokesman for the General Command of the Armed Forces - the prime minister's military office. He did not say when the arrest was made.

The Sunni militant group has claimed responsibility for numerous suicide attacks, the August 2004 execution of 12 Nepalese hostages and a December 2004 explosion at a U.S. military mess hall in Mosul that killed 22 people. It is believed to be an offshoot of another group, Ansar Al-Islam.

That group is made up mostly of Kurds with close links to al-Qaida in Iraq. It has been blamed for a number of attacks, including assassination attempts against Kurdish officials.

Ansar al-Sunna is part of the Mujahedeen Shura Council, an umbrella organization of insurgent groups - including al-Qaida in Iraq - that was co-founded by the late Jordanian-born terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Saudis believe bin Laden is dead

And I live in a home with a seven-year old who thinks every Christmas a fat man in a red suit climbs down our fireplace and leaves presents under a pine tree in the living room for free.

A French newspaper today published what it said was a report by the country's intelligence services that said Saudi Arabia believes Osama bin Laden died of typhoid in Pakistan this month.

Wouldn't it be nice if he did die of typhoid. Hiding out in a cave may keep you safe from 500 pound bombs and hellfires but damned if Mother Nature doesn't have pinpoint coordinates on you at all times.

France's Defence Ministry issued a statement saying the newspaper report "cannot be confirmed" and that Defence Minister Michele Alliot-Marie had ordered an investigation "to determine the source of this leak, which is a crime punishable by law."

If he was dead, why would that be top-secret information. It should be shouted from the rooftops that Allah, in all his wisdom and power, decided the famous mujahid Bin Laden claims to be, needed to get sick and die.

Previous reported rumours have said that he suffered from a kidney disorder and was in poor health.

I say we bomb his corpse if he is dead. You know, just to be sure.

Friday, September 22, 2006

German Magnetic Train Derails

See what happened was a south bound magnetic train and north bound magnetic train passed each other and since they were polar opposites they repeled each other.

A high-speed magnetic train derailed on a test track in northwestern Germany Friday, killing one person and injuring up to 25 others, some of them seriously, police said.

Don't know if I'd ride the train on the test track.

The accident is another blow to hopes for the magnetic-levitation technology.

Well lets keep trying, the world is overpopulated anyway.

"The magnetic levitation train is hanging halfway off" the track, Nestler said, adding that passengers were still inside.

You'd think a magnetic train would stick to the metal tracks.

German Transport Minister Wolfgang Tiefensee postponed a trip to China to get a firsthand look at the accident site, spokesman Dirk Inger said.

"Cool...I love magnets."

The technology has been around for years but so far has not caught on as conventional train networks have expanded steadily.

I think I know the cause of the slow acceptance rate.

Smokers may have higher risk of HIV

Well then it's a good thing I put condoms over my cigarettes. Safe smoker.

Smoking, already linked to several illnesses, may also increase the risk of infection with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, researchers said on Thursday.

Anything else we can pin on smoking?
Smoking causes the world to spin too fast.
Smoking makes people turn into rapists.
Smoking made Paris Hilton famous.

In a review of studies that looked at the association between smoking and HIV, British doctors said five of the six studies they analysed showed smokers had a higher chance of becoming infected.

Cause they don't have money for condoms. Cigarettes sure are expensive.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Human stem cells help blinded rats

Another important finding brought to you by science. Keep up the good work! Maybe we can work on getting foot surgery for centipedes or something.

Human embryonic stem cells can partly restore vision in blinded rats, and may offer a source of transplants for people with certain eye diseases, researchers at a U.S. company reported on Thursday.

So, um, are rats going to start laying out people-traps or what?

British TV Station crucifies human corpse

So...what you guys smoking over there?

Channel 4 is to broadcast a documentary showing a human corpse being hung on a cross to depict Christ's suffering.

Dead people don't suffer so you're not depicting anything other than how to defile a corpse. We are so very close to throwing people to the lions like in ancient Rome it's scary.

Anatomist Gunther von Hagens will use a real body to show how people died when crucified in the 90-minute film.

But he's already dead.

Although Channel 4 insists the body will not represent Christ specifically, a memo leaked to the Evening Standard states that it would indeed portray Jesus.

So it'll resurrect itself?

Steve Jenkins, spokesman for the Church of England, said: "This will upset and offend a lot of Christians as it seems he is using the Crucifixion simply to grab attention."

Without crucifixation, you wouldn't be able to go to Heaven so make up your mind on whether crucifixion is good or not. You wear the symbol of Jesus's death sentence around your neck but on TV, oh no, no, that's too much. And don't give me that crucifixion to grab attention shit, you've been doing that since the first century. This isn't about religion, this is about wether or not crucifying a dead person should be considered entertainment. The earth has come full circle.

Chávez denounces Bush as `devil'

The devil is the ultimate trickster, an evil yet wickedly wise creature possessing the intelligence and manipulative powers to fool the entire world into doing his bidding. Bush cannot speak correctly and almost asphyxiated himself with a pretzel.

President Hugo Chávez of Venezuela denounced President Bush yesterday as ``the devil himself" and ``a world dictator" in an impassioned speech to the UN General Assembly, prompting sharp criticism from US officials.

I guess that means that they can't be friends. You know, it just goes to show you how absolute the world's hatred is for my president and my country. People are winning elections on the platform of "Fuck America!". I'm well aware that my president is an idiot. I know we went to war in Iraq for the wrong reasons and yes, I am quite pissed that Osama bin Laden and his top tier men are still free five years after Sept. 11th 2001 but, the devil, nah. The devil would have got the job done.

``The devil, the devil himself, is right in the house. And the devil came here yesterday," said Chávez, who made the sign of the cross as he spoke from the same podium that Bush used a day earlier. ``Right here -- and it smells of sulfur still today."

What's he trying to win an Emmy?

Chávez regularly insults Bush in public.

Yeah, it's in style.

The scathing comments surprised and amused even seasoned diplomats, drawing scattered laughter and applause -- the US seats were empty at the time -- and inviting comparisons to Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev's infamous pounding of the table with his shoe at the UN in 1960.

These are the people in charge everybody. Are we even paying attention anymore?

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Man bites panda who attacks him

I'm willing to bet on who won that one.

A drunken Chinese tourist says he bit a panda who attacked him after he jumped into a zoo enclosure to "hug" the bear.

It's people like that that deserve to be mauled by a large mammal. I've been drunk before, really drunk. I've been stumbling, mumbling, dizzy and disoriented drunk many times. I've never been so drunk that I think to myself "I should hug a real bear cause they're cute and friendly". I always have that voice in the back of my head that says, "Mad Man, that thing will fucking kill you".

Zhang Xinyan, 35, had drunk four draught beers before deciding to enter the Beijing Zoo pen belonging to six-year-old male panda Gu Gu.

Gu Gu doesn't want a hug. And four beers? Lightweight.

The startled Gu Gu bit both legs of his intruder, who responded by biting "the panda on its back", Mr Zhang was quoted by state media as saying.

Funny what people will do in times of panic.

Mr Zhang said he had not realised pandas could be violent.

Surprise. Hey Zhang, that's why they're in cages.

Zoo spokeswoman Ye Mingxia said the panda was unharmed and they were not considering punishing Mr Zhang yet.

He probably learned his lesson. Drink far from the zoo buddy.

Military seizes power in Thailand

When the cat's away, the military grabs hold of the country.

Thailand's military leaders staged a peaceful, late-night coup yesterday, overthrowing the controversial government of Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra, who had travelled to New York to speak at the United Nations.

Just goes to show you that you really, really should put a lot of thought into who you leave in charge when you leave town.

Army commander General Sondhi Boonyaratkalin sent tanks and armoured personnel carriers into positions key government buildings.


"The armed forces commander and the national police commander have successfully taken over Bangkok and the surrounding area in order to maintain peace and order. There has been no struggle," the new leaders said in a statement on national television.

That's probably due to the tanks and armoured personnel.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Catholic nun forgave killers as she lay dying

My reaction would have been a little different.
"Avenge me. AVENGE ME!!"

Sister Leonella, a Catholic nun who devoted her life to helping the sick in Africa, used to joke there was a bullet with her name engraved on it in Somalia. When the bullet came, she used her last breaths to forgive those responsible.

She forgives you. The same probably doesn't go to whoever you going to answer to one day. If there's a hell, you just reserved a seat.

The shooting was not a random attack and could have been sparked by Muslim anger over recent remarks by Pope Benedict linking Islam and violence, said Willy Huber, regional head of the Austrian-financed hospital where the nun worked.

So one religion doesn't like the label of evil and inhuman so they shoot an elderly nun in protest. And this nun, as she lay dying, forgives them. Now, which one is the religion of peace?

Somalia asks for help

But everyone's so busy.

The Somali government on Tuesday appealed for international help to probe the suicide bombings that left nearly a dozen people dead in an assassination bid against the president. The attacks were blamed on the al-Qaeda network.

There you go, probe completed. Media did it for you. Al-Qaeda did it. Kill them.

As authorities continued to interrogate two suspects arrested after the alleged al-Qaeda suicide bombers blew up two cars and fought security forces on Monday, government spokesperson Abdirahman Mohamed Nur Dinari said they needed foreign help and expertise.

I don't see any experts around here do you?

Couple Accused Of Kidnaping Their Own Daughter

They were arrested just in time as they planned to kill their daughter after they failed to pay themselves the hefty ransom they demanded in the ransom letter they mailed themselves.

A couple accused of kidnaping their daughter in hopes of forcing her to have an abortion are now in police custody on a $100,000 bond each.

It still remains to be seen as whether they will be pressing charges on themselves.

A New England couple has been arrested on kidnaping charges. The alleged victim, their pregnant daughter, who investigators say they were taking to New York for an abortion.

My parents use to tell me I was going to the store but it was really the dentist. I guess it was kind of like that.

According to local police, Nicholas and Lola Kampf of Maine are a little more than upset with their 19-year-old daughter who became pregnant by a man who is now in jail.

As a parent, you job is to guide your children, not kidnap and force into abortions. See, desperation makes you do very odd things. This though, this is more than desperation. This is desperation, dissapointment, probably a dap of religious influence and a dash of bat-shit crazy.
When the kid is born, he's probably not going to have a great relationship with grandma and grandpa.

They told the young woman she had to have an abortion. The two parents allegedly bound their own daughter and put her in the back of the car and proceeded to take her to New York where they would force her to have an abortion.

Are doctors in New York used to giving abortions to bound and tied women cause if they are someone should perhaps look into that.

Canadian police errors led to man's torture

We're really, really sorry about the whole testicular-electrocution thing. It was a big misunderstanding, like that show Three's Company. One day we'll all be able to look back on this and laugh.

Canadian police wrongly identified an Ottawa software engineer as an Islamic extremist, prompting U.S. agents to deport him to Syria, where he was tortured, an official inquiry concluded on Monday.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sorry we mistook you for an Islamic extremist and had you deported to Syria and tortured.

Maher Arar, who holds Canadian and Syrian nationality, was arrested in New York in September 2002 and accused of being an al-Qaeda member.

That'll teach him to take a vacation.

In fact, said the judge who led the probe, all the signs point to the fact Arar was innocent.

Unforunately for Mr. Arar, there was no need to deal with the facts in his case.

Arar, 36, says he was repeatedly tortured in the year he spent in Damascus jails, and the inquiry agreed that he had been tortured. He was freed in 2003.

A full year of torture? Man, that's no fun. This just goes to show all you kids out there. Don't be middle eastern. They burn you with cigarettes.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Marksmen on hand as Pope says prayer

And the Lord thy God said upon his flock, "Ye, don't make any sudden moves."

THE Pope was protected by marksmen as he said a traditional prayer at his summer residence, Castel Gandolfo, yesterday.

For those of you who thought the red dot on your chest was a sign from God, nope, just Capt. Tom checking you over.

Italian police were on heightened alert as the Vatican tried to defuse an unprecedented row with the Muslim world over Pope Benedict's controversial remarks on Islam.

Muslims have two stages of mental states. Murderous rage and sleeping.

In Rome, visitors to St Peter's Basilica, who already need to go through metal detectors, faced the added inconvenience of random bag searches.

I don't think this is what Jesus had in mind for the world is it?
"Take this, and drink from it, for it is my blood that...hey, HEY! What's in the box? Peter, frisk this guy."

A wave of protest erupted among Muslims across the globe after the pope last week implicitly linked Islam to violence and quoted a 14th-century Byzantine emperor who said innovations introduced by the Prophet Mohammed were "evil and inhuman"

You show the world how un-evil and un-inhuman you are by threatening to kill everything and everyone. Guess they don't teach common fucking sense in those Islamic schools huh?

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Sunday Sign of Hope 9/14/06

Afghan operation "significant" success, NATO says

from Reuters:

NATO and Afghan government forces have forced Taliban troops out of a southern Afghan district after a two-week operation in which NATO said hundreds of militants were killed.

"This has been a significant success and clearly shows the capability that Afghan, NATO and coalition forces have when they operate together," the British commander of NATO troops in Afghanistan, Lieutenant General David Richards, told a news conference on Sunday.

The offensive, codenamed Operation Medusa, was launched on Sept. 2 to clear well dug-in Taliban forces from a farming district about 25 km (15 miles) west of the southern city of Kandahar.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Iraq to Dig Trenches Around Baghdad

Well, it's good to see that area of the world is slowly but surely catching up to modern times. Now they're building moats so give them a few more centuries and they be done with their dark ages.

Iraqi security forces will dig trenches around Baghdad and set up checkpoints along all roads leading into the city to try to reduce some of the violence plaguing the capital, the Interior Ministry said Friday.

If there's one thing that will throw terrorists organizations into chaotic disarray, it's holes in the ground.
"Well boys, the jihad is over. No one has a ladder."

Friday, September 15, 2006

U.S. E.coli outbreak is linked to spinach

Quick! Somebody warn Popeye!

An outbreak of E.coli bacteria that may linked to bagged fresh spinach has killed one person and sickened dozens of others in eight states, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration said on Thursday.

No one eats that shit. Well, not anymore at least.

Muslim Rage Against the Pope

Muslim rage? No, no, I don't believe it.

The furore over comments made by Pope Benedict about the Islamic concept of Holy War continues to grow. Today British Muslims joined in, fiercely criticising his remarks.

You know the "Lions of Islam" have really, really thin skin. They get their feelings hurt so easy. Why do I have to tip-toe around someone who advocates self-destruction, literal self-destruction? And why are the Muslims always so fucking angry? Seriously, being that unhappy ALL the time is fucking unhealthy.

The pontiff was accused of falling into "the trap of bigots and racists" with the comments he made on a visit to Germany.

Bigotry and racism from a German? I don't believe it. You know who else experienced racism and bigotry from Germans? Jews.

Last night Vatican officials were scrambling to defend the comments, saying the Pope had never intended to offend Muslims.

You don't need to INTEND to offend Muslims, it's just like the sky being blue. It's like a bird nursing it's young or an elder cow laying down to die. It's the way nature intended things to be. Water's wet, fire's hot and Muslims are angry.

During a speech, he quoted a 14th century Byzantine emperor who said the prophet Mohammed had brought "things only evil and inhuman".

That's going to be hard to justify.

Former Texas Governor Ann Richards dies

This is a little embarassing but, I have no clue who this person is...or...was actually.

Ann Richards, 73, a feminist Democrat whose Texas twang, halo of white hair and quick-on-the-draw quips, helped make her an instantly recognizable national figure, despite serving only one term as Texas governor, died Sept. 13 at her home in Austin.

What the fuck is Texas twang and does Bush have it? Is it good or bad. Well, we all know he doesn't have that whole quick-on-the-draw quipping ability. Perhaps this lady should have been President. And why are they always making all those cowboy references whenever someone mentions someone from Texas? I met a guy from Texas, he was a good friend of a friend of mine. Trust me this guy was no cowboy, unless cowboys have taken to screaming like a little girl and trying to scamper up walls at the sight of a spider.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Men are more intelligent than women, claims new study

This should get ugly fast. If you look at the shows on TV in America, the formula is always the same. Stupid man has way-out-of-his-league super intelligent wife that treats him like a moron, saves him from himself and keeps the family together. In any room you can announce that women are smarter and superior to men and the crowd will erupt into thunderous applause. Now, turn it around and say men are smarter than women. Someone's bound to get hurt.

It is research that is guaranteed to delight men - and infuriate the women in their lives. A controversial new study has claimed that men really are more intelligent than women.

I get no pleasure out of the possiblity that men may be smarter than women. I've always said that men think logically and women think emotionally. Women base their answers to questions and their responses in conversations on how they feel. Men tend to base their responses on logic and conceal their emotions until they can hit something with a hammer. Neither is wrong. Just different. Comparing us is comparing apples and oranges and while, yes, we deserve equal treatment as if we were the same, we are not the same. I'm a hundred times smarter than an ant but watch me try to build a complex set of underground caves.
You know, in high school we convinced a girl in my Italian language class that boys pee blue. She asked the teacher. This was HIGH SCHOOL. Just saying...

The study - carried out by a man - concluded that men's IQs are almost four points higher than women's.

4 whole points. I better go get my girlfriend and explain to her that fire is hot.

Death squads could wreck Iraq's politics

Yeah, believe it or not, death squads are not as beneficial as you might think.

Iraq's political process could collapse if sectarian death squads are not reined in, a Sunni political leader said on Thursday, after more than 80 corpses were found in and around the capital in the past two days.

Sounds like Iraq's got a case of the "civil war between religious factions" brewing. Or, it's brewed over already. I have no idea. How do you measure the level of violence in a country that is that fucking violent? They're at violence level alpha one red.

"If these barbarian acts do not stop, certainly it will affect the reconciliation plan," Adnan al-Dulaimi, leader of the Iraqi Accordance Front, the biggest Sunni Arab group in parliament, told Reuters in a telephone interview.

You think? So, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Mad Man, what's your solution to this problem?" Well, I have no fucking idea. I'm not a military strategist.

Gunman shoots at least 20 in Canadian college

The sickness has spread to our neighbors to the north. Sorry bout that.

Kimveer Gill of Laval, Quebec, wearing a black mask and a black trench coat, fired random shots at lunch hour in Dawson College before he was killed in an exchange of gunfire with police. Gill's identity and online postings were reported by the Toronto Star and La Presse today. Police haven't confirmed he was the shooter.

Then why would they shoot him? And with a name like Kimveer I think I know why he was so upset. And why the hell do these people pull this shit at lunch time? Wait until people are struggling to stay awake during complex algebraic equation discussions. Don't shoot at people during the only break they get. Jerk.

The 25-year-old man who opened fire at a Montreal college yesterday, wounding 19 people and killing one, hated authority figures and planned to die in a ``hail of gunfire,'' according to Internet postings reported by two newspapers.

Too much TV.

Police have not identified the student who died from gun shot wounds yesterday. The Star identified her as Anastacia DeSousa. The wounded range in age from 17 to 48, Razek said.

Well who needs police when you have the media?

Gill wrote on one Web site that he wanted to die ``like Romeo and Juliet -- or in a hail of gunfire,'' the Star reported.

Well, that's two very different deaths. On one hand, you have two lovers committing suicide because they are faced with the unbearable thought of spending their lives away from one another. On the other hand, you have the final scene in Scarface.
"I want my death to be poetic, and to die for love and the beauty of the thought of spending eternal paradise with the woman I love. Or I want about nine or ten lead slugs to rip through my chest. Either or."

He was ``a fan'' of the Tec-9 semi-automatic handgun, the Star said.

As soon as someone pronounces themselves a "fan" of a weapon, it should be legal to kill them in self-defense.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Al Qaeda Planning Nuke Attack for Ramadan

That sounds quite bad.

Osama bin Laden is planning to carry out new, more destructive attacks inside the United States, and there is someone working on this terror plot currently in the US, according to Hamid Mir, the famed Pakistani journalist who obtained the only post-9/11 interviews with Osama bin Laden and Ayman al-Zawahiri.

Now, before we all go running into the street hooting and hollaring that the sky is falling, let's remember three things here:
1. Terrorism is, at heart, the spread of fear.
2. Elections are coming up and this always seems to be a story around election time.
3. It's Ramadan. Speculations of "fantastic" terror attacks abound this time of year. It's like a Christmas Carol sung around the fireplace, except I can't think of any Xmas themes involving radiation fallout.

In his interview with, Mir said that the al-Qaeda and Taliban fighters referred to attacks targeting the US-led coalition forces during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan which begins on 24 September, and that the al-Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden was in "good" health during a meeting he had recently with the Taliban leader, Mullah Mohammed Omar.

If they nuke us, we should blow up Mecca.

Mir also said that bin Laden has assigned a man named Adnan Al-Shukri Juma to carry out a new attack within the US which is intended to be larger than the 11 September, 2001 attacks. According to Mir, Adnan Jumaa has smuggled explosives and nuclear materials into the US through the Mexican border over the last two years and is hiding somewhere in America where the FBI has not been able to locate him.

Like I said people, don't panic yet, just wait and watch as the time drifts by and nothing happens. Then someone will want credit for it.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Mysterious light streaks across sky in Washington State

Don't panic. We're all going to die.

Around 7:30 p.m. Monday, KING 5 News' phones started to ring as viewers reported seeing a ball of flames shooting across the skies of Western Washington.

Ball of flames in the sky? Doesn't sound good.

KING 5 News contacted the Air Force, FAA, National Weather Service and other local authorities, but could not immediately find an explanation for what streaked across the sky and what was caught on tape.

It was swamp gas, do you understand? Just swamp gas. Wouldn't want anybody getting hurt for seeing swamp gas.

Iraqi PM arrives in Iran capital

Not a good sign that your prime minister has fled the country.

Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki arrived in Tehran on Tuesday for an official state visit, Iranian state television reported.

Hey, everyone needs a vacation from complete fucking violent chaos once in a while.

Maliki had been expected to tell fellow Shi'ite Muslim leaders in Iran that Tehran should not interfere in Iraqi affairs, a message likely to please Washington which accuses Iran of backing militants fighting U.S. troops in Iraq.

We're still playing politics with these people? The definition of insanity is performing the same action over and over and expecting a different outcome.

But Maliki and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave few details about their talks on Tuesday, except to say that the two neighbors which fought a bloody war in the 1980s had agreed to cooperate in political, economic and security fields.

That should curb the instability. A lot was accomplished today. Somewhere.

Armed militants try to storm U.S. Embassy in Syria

Is it just me or do Islamic militants seem to get dellusions of grandeur every once in a while?

Armed Islamic militants attempted to storm the U.S. Embassy in a bold attack Tuesday using automatic rifles, hand grenades and at least one van rigged with explosives, the government said. Syrian security forces killed three of the attackers and no Americans were hurt.

It's funny when their plans backfire isn't it. I mean, I know deep down that to derive pleasure from other people's deaths, no matter how honestly deserving it may be, is wrong on a moral level but, man, those Islamic militants sure make cheering for the home team easy. Every time one of them blows themselves up prematurely and accomplishes nothing more than pissing off a janitor it's like I'm watching A Shot in the Dark for the first time again.

After the attack, pools of blood lay splattered on the sidewalk outside the embassy, along with a burned car apparently used by the attackers. A sports utility vehicle with U.S. diplomatic tags had a bullet hole through its front window, and the glass windows of nearby guard houses also were shattered.

Soon some militant leader is going to claim those windows were anti-Islam and were the prime target of the attack. Victory!

Monday, September 11, 2006

Americans Pause To Remember 9/11


Tortured screams ring out as Iraqis take over Abu Ghraib

I guess American soldiers weren't all that bad after all were they?

The notorious Abu Ghraib prison in Baghdad is at the centre of fresh abuse allegations just a week after it was handed over to Iraqi authorities, with claims that inmates are being tortured by their new captors.

The grass is always greener on the other side of Islam. Let this be a lesson to all those anti-America ladies and gentlemen out there. There are things worse than us. Namely, most others.

Some of the small number of prisoners who remained in the jail after the Americans left said they had pleaded to go with their departing captors, rather than be left in the hands of Iraqi guards.

But we're infidels. Why would you want to stay with us infidels?

"The Americans were better than the Iraqis. They treated us better," said Khalid Alaani, who was held on suspicion of involvement in Sunni terrorism.

Someone get this on CNN.

Tonga's King Dies at 88

Tonga? Where that be? King of Tonga, sounds like a video game character for Final Fantasy.

Tonga's King Taufa'ahau Tupou IV, a towering figure in the tiny Pacific Island nation for four decades, has died in a New Zealand hospital, ending one of the longest reigns of modern times, Tonga's government announced on Monday. He was 88.

Guy had a lot of A's in his name. So I guess they don't have any hospitals in Tonga if he died in New Zealand. My condolences to the people of Tonga, both of them.

His death came at the end of a long but unspecified illness in a hospital where the king had spent most of the past several months, and plunged the remote country into a mourning period expected to last for months.

I didn't think his death came at the beginning. Mourn for months? Man, Taufa'ahau must of been a popular king there in Tonga. I have to look at a map or something, where the hell is Tonga and why wasn't I notified of its existence? Hold on while I check this out.

Tonga's acting prime minister Viliami Tangi said on radio and television broadcasts that the king passed away shortly before midnight, New Zealand time.

There's a Prime Minister too? They got the whole government thing going on there in Tonga don't they. Well, good for them. Sorry the king died though, that stinks. Well, let's move on.

Al-Qa'eda releases new video on fifth anniversary of September 11

Of course they did, it just wouldn't be the anniversary of 9/11 without a call in from the bat cave.
Al-Qa'eda has released a new video on the fifth anniversary of the Sept 11 attacks in America warning that its next victims will be Israel and the Gulf Arab states.

Next? You've been attacking them for decades though.

Ayman al-Zawahri, al-Qa'eda second in command, said in remarks apparently addressed to Western leaders: "I tell them do not bother yourselves with defending your forces in Iraq and Afghanistan. These forces are doomed to failure."

If we fail in Iraq and Afghanistan it won't be because of al-qaeda. Oh no, it'll be because of good ol' American stupidity, which is our pasttime like baseball and apple pie and bombing shit.

"You have to bolster your defences in two areas ... the first is the Gulf, from which you will be evicted, God willing, after your defeat in Iraq and then your economic doom will be achieved," he said in the video broadcast in part on the Arabic al-Jazeera television channel.

This guy speaks like a cartoon villain. From now on I'll be referring to Zawahiri as Dr. Claw.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Sunday Sign of Hope 9/10/06

Lucky lady lands $1M jackpots twice in 4 years

You know what this means? I've finally figured out where my luck went. This lady has it. I want it back.

from CNN:

A woman who won $1 million from a state lottery game four years ago has improbably hit the jackpot again.

Valerie Wilson, who works at a Long Island deli, said she won another $1 million on a lottery scratch-off game last month.

"The first time I couldn't believe it," Wilson told Newsday. "This time I said, 'God's on my side."'

Wilson, 56, beat some long odds to pull off her double victory.

In 2002, her winning ticket in the Cool Million scratch-off game, which has since been discontinued, was a shot of 1 in 5.2 million, according to the New York State Lottery. Last month, she beat odds of 1 in 705,600 when she got the $1 million prize in the New York lottery's Jubilee scratch-off game.

Overall, her chances of winning both games were a slim 1 in 3,669,120,000,000.

A lottery spokeswoman verified Wilson was a Cool Million winner in 2002, but declined to confirm her latest win until a planned news conference. There have been only two previous repeat million-dollar-plus winners in the lottery's history, according to the state.

Wilson still hasn't quit her job at Emma's Deli and Catering. Despite her unexpected bonus, Wilson plans to keep working until at least December, making sandwiches and ringing up sales.

The prize will be paid out in $50,000 installments over 20 years. Wilson said she used her first winnings to help buy homes for her three children.

"This one is going to be for me," she said. "I'm going to live a little bit."

I Went and Got Myself Tagged

For the first time since I started blogging on Damnit! Earth, I'm about to post something other than the everyday headlines. Kari over at has tagged me with a little questionaire. And considering the fact that of the few hundred hits I get a day Kari is one of a few who actually post replies or say hello, I'm more that happy to answer her questions. So here we go:

1. A Book That Changed My Life: A tough one as I tend to be a bit set in my ways. I'd say it would be Hagakure: The Book of the Samurai. While I'm not about to go disembowling myself anytime soon, there are certain passages in this writing that I try to incorporate into my daily life. Example? There are two such passages that stick out for me:
"Taking an enemy on the battlefield is like a hawk taking a bird. Even though it enters into the midst of a thousand of them, it gives no attention to any bird other than the one it has first marked." - this is how I attempt to solve problems that arise in my life. One at a time, giving no mind to the ones to be dealt with next until the first problem is resolved.
The second, "There is something to be learned from a rainstorm. When meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. By doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses you still get wet. When you are resolved from the beginning you will not be perplexed, yet you will still get the same soaking. This understanding extends to all." - sometimes, you just have to bare it, it's not worth worrying or over exerting yourself. When you accept certain things as inevitable, they will not tug at you any longer.

2. A Book I've Read More Than Once: Hmm, there's many that fit here. The Art of War by Sun-Tzu I've read many times and I continue to take lessons from the writing. For fun, I enjoy reading A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens to my daughter around Christmas.

3. A Book I'd Take With Me If I Were Stuck On a Desert Island: Aside from a desert survival guide, for fun I'd take Robinson Crusoe by Daniel DeFoe, only because I'd relate at that point.

4. A Book That Made Me Laugh: Catch 22 by Joseph Heller. A dark journey into the absurdity of war that one can only laugh at.

5. A Book That Made Me Cry: When I was younger, Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes ripped me to shreds. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck hit hard as well.

6. A Book I Wish Had Been Written: The Definitive Guide to Living Life, something, anything, that could make sense of this mess.

7. A Book That I Wish Had Never Been Written: All religious books, The Bible, The Koran, The Torah, all of them. In my eyes, religion is a form of division that keeps us all seperated and always will.

8. A Book I've Been Meaning to Read: The Rapture of Canaan by Sheri Reynolds - was recommended to me by a friend and as soon as I get over reading something from Oprah's book club I'll pick it up.

9. I'm Currently Reading:
Natural Selection by Dave Freedman
Moby Dick by Herman Melville - been trying to read this for almost a year. A tough read, but I'll get through it. Love the classics.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Madrid bans too-thin models from catwalk

You hear that ladies? Eat something!

Excessively skinny fashion models will be barred from a major Madrid fashion show later this month for fear they could send the wrong message to young Spanish girls, local media reported.

I hope this catches on. You ever take a young lady out to dinner and all she orders is a celery stick and some water. Then you're forced to eat your dinner with her staring on like a hyena waiting for a lion to eat his fill. Well, I'm tired of growling at young women while I eat my steak damnit.

Madrid's regional government, which is co-financing the Pasarela Cibeles, has vetoed around a third of the models who took part in last year's show because they weigh too little.

Now they can turn the fans on without worry of injuring the models. It's about time this fad ran its course. Of course, this is only in Spain. Maybe it'll catch on everywhere in due time. You hear that that fat chicks, your time may be coming. Until then, enjoy that cheeseburger.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Dutch Priest Charged in Madonna Threat

Not very holy of you father.

Amsterdam prosecutors said Friday a 63-year-old priest has confessed to phoning in a fake bomb threat to a Madonna concert in the Dutch capital city last week.

In all fairness, it says in the Bible "Thou shalt phone in bomb threat to scare followers of the great whore." It's in Genesis or something.

"He was hoping to stop her from performing her famous 'crucifixion' act," prosecution spokesman Robert Meulenbroek said, referring to a scene in the 48-year-old pop star's latest show.

Who are we to stop Madonna if she wants to crucify herself? I say, give me a hammer.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

France rejects "war on terror"

Oh go fuck yourself.

France issued an implicit criticism of U.S. foreign policy on Thursday, rejecting talk of a "war on terror".

When are they not criticizing us. We should just sleep with each other and get it over with.

Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin, speaking in parliament, expressed these views on global terrorism, while President Jacques Chirac backed France's claims to the international front rank with a fresh defense of his country's nuclear arsenal.

You guys want to be super-powerful soooooooo bad it's embarassing.

Villepin noted Chirac's strong opposition to the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq in 2003 and said the Arab state had now sunk into violence and was feeding new regional crises.

Well...I can't argue that. But you're ugly!

"Let us not forget that these crises play into the hands of all extremists," the prime minister said in a debate on the Middle East. "We can see this with terrorism, whether it tries to strike inside or outside our frontiers," he added.

The extremists are religious fanatics who bend and twsit their beliefs in order to justify their hatred and envy and passion for violence to themselves. Iraq wasn't a big fucking mess of shit when two planes hit the World Trade Center in NY or the Pentagon in DC. Or we can go back to 1993 when the first attack on the World Trade Center occured. This is about religion, nothing else. Sooner the world realizes the problem isn't really foreign policy as much as it is Allah vs. Jesus the sooner we can turn the Middle East into a parking lot and been done with it.

"Against terrorism, what's needed is not a war. It is, as France has done for many years, a determined fight based on vigilance at all times and effective cooperation with our partners."

What are you talking about? Aren't their still cars on fire in your Muslim districts you hypocritical assholes?

Pakistan, Afghanistan Pledge to Fight Common Enemies

Ever get the feeling that they might be talking about the West?

Pakistan president Pervez Musharraf met with his counterpart Hamid Karzai in the Afghan capital Kabul on Wednesday, to discuss ways to curb the sharp rise in attacks by the Taleban. Pakistan's leader vowed to join forces with Afghanistan to help defeat the insurgents.

But didn't Pakistan just sign a peace treaty with the Taliban in Pakistan's tribal belt? Hey, you know, tribal belt rhymes with Bible belt. Funny.

Taleban insurgents have mounted a series of powerful offensives and deadly ambushes throughout the country. More than 2,000 people, mostly militants, have been killed since January.

The Taliban's Spring offensive sprung a leak. Haha...that was clever. And how come their is always like thirty fucking different ways to spell everything when reporting on the Middle East, Usama, Osama, Taliban, Taleban, Talaban. I'm fed up with this shit. I'll be in my dressing room. Yes, that means the car.

Pakistan faces its own problems in the country's semi-autonomous tribal areas. Some reports say pro-Taleban militants have essentially taken over several districts near the Afghan border, where they enforce strict Islamic social codes.
Tuesday, Pakistan signed a new peace accord with pro-Taleban militants in the country's North Waziristan tribal area.

So Pakistan vowed to fight those who they just signed a peace treaty with? Crazy, crazy Muslim people.

Iraq Takes Control of Military From US

Good luck.

Coalition forces handed over control of Iraq's armed forces command to the government Thursday, a move that U.S. officials have hailed as a crucial milestone on the country's difficult road to independence.

Every time a crucial milestone is passed over there, someone blows something up so excuse me for not squealing with glee.

The prime minister takes control of Iraq's small naval and air forces and the 8th Iraqi Army Division. However, it is still unclear how rapidly the Iraqi forces will be prepared to take over their own security.

Iraq has an Air Force? How cute.

"From today forward, the Iraqi military responsibilities will be increasingly conceived and led by Iraqis," said Gen. George Casey, the top U.S. commander in Iraq, at a ceremony.

Let them fuck it up themselves.

Tony Blair to quit within a year

Wish I could quit my job.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair is set to say on Thursday he will step down within a year but is not contemplating resigning immediately, his spokesman said.

I have no idea how politics work in England. I'm assuming it involves tea and cricket.

In an attempt to defuse a leadership crisis engulfing his ruling Labour Party, Blair would make a statement on his future between 1300 and 1400 GMT which would reflect what his environment minister said this week, the spokesman said.

I'm lost. I don't even know what time that is. And I didn't know the Labour Party was having a leadership crisis. Why was I not informed of this?

Blair has ruled the country for almost a decade and won three consecutive elections but seen his popularity slide and a growing rebellion within government calling for him to quit.

It's cause of us Americans isn't it? I'm sorry.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Japan celebrates birth of male heir

Lucky little shit. One day he'll inherit Japan. All I inherited at birth were my parents pyschological disorders.

Japanese royalists were in celebratory mood today after Princess Kiko, the wife of the emperor's younger son, gave birth to a baby boy who will one day become the 128th emperor of Japan.

So, think he'll be a spoiled little bastard?

The rest of the country greeted the prince's arrival, at 8:27am local time, with relief that a boy had been born into the imperial family for the first time in more than 40 years, thereby averting a succession crisis that had threatened to bring one of the world's oldest monarchies to the brink of extinction.

They say it like that would be a bad thing.

The baby's arrival is expected to put on hold talk of reforming Japan's succession law to allow females to inherit the chrysanthemum throne.

I can't make fun of this until the US has a woman President.

Prince Akishino, 40, has yet to speak publicly about the birth but was quoted as thanking his wife for "a job well done" as she emerged from the operating theatre.

If that was the first fucking thing I said to my girlfriend after she gave birth to my son I'd be spending the following three months begging for my testicles back.

"I'm back," was her reported response.

There's a lot of love in that marriage. I can feel it.

Cops say grave robbers had sex on their minds

Yeah, well, who doesn't?

On their way to dig up a grave in rural southwestern Wisconsin, the Grunke brothers and a friend stopped at a Wal-Mart to pick up some condoms, authorities said.

Guys, this is heading down a path I can't follow.

Three days later, on Tuesday, twins Nicholas and Alexander Grunke, 20, and Dustin Radke, 20, were charged in Grant County with attempted theft — and attempting to have sex with a corpse.

That's no the way to make momma proud fellas. When your mother asks "When are you boys gonna bring home a nice girl?" there are unspoken guidelines to follow. One of those is that she should be breathing. I mean, I'm only guessing, that's the way it is in my family, yours might be different I don't know.

"In different schools that teach you about bizarre behavior, necrophilia is one of those things that you hear about, but never think you'll have to deal with," said Grant County Sheriff Keith Grovier.

I used to think the same thing Keith, that is, until...the incident.

The two drove into the cemetery to find the partially dug grave of a 20-year-old woman who was killed in a motorcycle accident Aug. 27 in Cassville. The diggers had only managed to reach the top of the grave's concrete vault.

"I'm bored"
"Me too."
"Hey...I have a great idea."

General Denies Allowing Bin Laden to Live in Pakistan

And I don't allow my neighbor to steal my fucking newspaper every morning but yet still, every morning, bastard takes my newspaper. You're allowing it by not stopping it.

Pakistan's top army spokesman on Wednesday vehemently denied saying in a news report that Usama bin Laden would not be taken into custody if he agreed to live peacefully in Pakistan.

Pakistan is that friend that sleeps with your girlfriend while you're away on a business trip, then calls for your beheading when you get back. I can't claim to know much about politics and I'm not one of those "knowledgable bloggers" that is expressing my political views through a free blog site so that people might like me but I know enough to know that we shouldn't be trusting Pakistan. They hand over the small fish and keep the big ones away from us.

"This is absolutely fabricated, absurd. I never said this," Maj. Gen. Shaukat Sultan told The Associated Press, referring to an ABC News broadcast aired hours earlier.

Yeah, welcome to Western media.

Asked for a response, Jeffrey Schneider, senior vice president of ABC News, told the AP by phone, "We simply played his comments as we recorded them."

I think we all know Pakistan can't afford to hand over bin Laden. It would cause such unrest in that area that the peaceful nature of the land would erupt into an unheard of violent situation. The Pakistani people would start bombing government buildings and attempt to assassinate officials and maybe, even, kill the President of that peaceful nation. Then they might allow the Taliban to seek shelter on their borders and launch raids into Afghanistan against NATO and Coalition troops, all the while hiding the remaining al-qaeda leadership somewhere deep in the mountainous border region. I know this all sounds far fetched but it could happen.

"I reject this comment," Sultan said Wednesday.

Oh, okay. That's the end of that then. Thanks for clearing it up. Shmuck.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Fidel Castro Says Worst of Health Problems Are Over

Yeah, but it's the not-so-bad problems that usually wind up killing you.

Cuban President Fidel Castro said he's recovering at a ``satisfactory rate'' after undergoing surgery for intestinal bleeding, and that the worst of his health problems are behind him.

Wait, does he mean that his worst health problems are over or they are "behind him" in the sense that they're in his ass cause intestinal bleeding can cause problems in the ass. At least, that's what I heard. Come on news people, tell me more about Castro's ass. Does that sound gay?

While Castro lost 41 pounds (19 kilograms) ``in just a few days,'' his last surgical stitch has now been removed, and he will be receiving ``distinguished visitors'' in coming days, the leader said in a statement dated yesterday published online by Granma, the official newspaper of Cuba's Communist Party.

So while people like Fidel Castro rule another day, funny fuckers like Steve Irwin get stung in the heart by a stingray. There is no God. Or at least, God ain't paying attention.

Monday, September 04, 2006

'Crocodile Hunter' Steve Irwin killed

I liked this guy, I really did. I can still remember smoking some joints with a few friends, watching his program and laughing myself to a headache at his ridiculous antics, funny accent and overpowering love for animals, not to mention the man was bit by ever living creature at least twice. As much as I liked him, I can't say I didn't see this coming.

Steve Irwin, the hugely popular Australian television personality and conservationist known as “Crocodile Hunter,’’ was killed on Monday by a stingray while filming off the Great Barrier Reef. He was 44.

Venomous snake? Nope. Killer croc? Nah. He was killed by a fishy. That sucks.

Irwin was at Batt Reef, off the remote coast of northeastern Queensland state, shooting a segment for a series called “Ocean’s Deadliest’’ when he swam too close to one of the animals, which have a poisonous barb on their tails, his friend and colleague John Stainton said.

Ocean's Deadliest, you aren't fucking kidding.

“He came on top of the stingray and the stingray’s barb went up and into his chest and put a hole into his heart,’’ said Stainton, who was on board Irwin’s boat at the time.


Injuries caused by stingrays are relatively common but fatalities are rare. An Aboriginal boy died several years ago, while the previous recorded death was in 1945.

One of those days were it would have been better to stay in bed. Or at least out of the water. Well, I miss the crazy Aussie. Rest in Peace.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Sunday Sign of Hope 9/3/06

Al Qaeda's No. 2 in Iraq Captured

from LA Times:

A high-level operative of Al Qaeda in Iraq believed to be one of the planners behind the bombing of one of the world's holiest Shiite Muslim shrines has been captured, U.S. and Iraqi officials said Sunday.

Hamed Jumaa Farid Saeedi, a former intelligence agent under Saddam Hussein's regime who is believed to be in his early 40s, was the No. 2 Al Qaeda in Iraq operative, according to Iraqi national security adviser Mowaffak Rubaie.

An Iraqi intelligence unit working with U.S. special forces captured Saeedi near Baqubah, northeast of the capital, not far from where Al Qaeda in Iraq leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed three months ago, authorities said. They did not reveal when Saeedi was arrested but said the capture also led to the arrest of 20 Al Qaeda in Iraq members, including 11 considered high- to mid-level operatives.

Saeedi allegedly helped mastermind the February bombing of the Askari mosque in Samarra, a pilgrimage site that holds the remains of two of Shiite Islam's holiest martyrs. The attack is widely credited with intensifying sectarian violence plaguing Iraq.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Al-Qaeda calls on US to convert to Islam

But I enjoy my freedom.

Al-Qaeda has urged non-Muslims - especially in the US - to convert to Islam, according to a new videotape.

Can I be a Muslim and not blow anything up cause I'm really, really lazy?

The call is made by a man identified on the film as "Azzam the American", a convert also known as Adam Gadahn who is wanted for questioning by the FBI.

Maybe that's what's missing in my life. Living in a cave, studying the Koran and pumping myself full of hatred for all those around me who don't pray on a small little carpet until I get so angry I explode, literally, in a crowded market. Tempting but I'll stick with my life as it is. This way I can see my girlfriends face without getting the urge to hit her with rocks.

He says ignorance of Islam leads Westerners to accept wars waged by their governments and Israel against Muslim countries.

That and when you fly planes into our buildings killing our friends and loved ones.

"To Americans and the rest of Christendom we say, either repent [your] misguided ways and enter into the light of truth or keep your poison to yourself," Gadahn said in English on the new tape.

Seems like someone needs to heed their own advice.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Tires on US Airways flight catch fire after landing, nobody hurt

Here we can see the difference between the US and Iran.

Slain Pakistan tribal leader's body found after 7 days

All resuscitation efforts were unsuccessful.

Pakistani Army personnel, who are searching a cave in which Baloch nationalist leader Nawab Akhtar Bugti was killed, have reportedly found his body.

Well, it'd be one hell of a coincidence if it was someone else. Oh wait...this is Pakistan.

"His body is lying under a heavy boulder in the cave and the head of the body was spotted by two soldiers who crawled deep into the cave, which collapsed in an explosion in a military operation on August 25," local daily The News quoted officials as saying.

I see the head. PUSH! Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard space.

However, the report also quoted Pakistan's Defence Spokesman Maj. Gen Shaukat Sultan as saying that "the information is not correct".

It's his feet sticking out from under the boulder.

It was expected to take some time to retrieve the body, the reports said.

Why? Just push the boulders off. Not like you're going to hurt the guy.

Bugti, a 79-year-old ethnic-Baluch politician and militia leader, was killed Saturday during fierce fighting between his supporters and Pakistani forces at his mountain cave where he had been holed up since December.

Only took nine months to kill a 79 year old man? You're not trying are you Pakistan?

Bugti's family and supporters have already held funeral prayers without his body at Quetta two days ago amid heavy violence.

I hope my funeral is held amid heavy violence. It means I accomplished something.

Sultan told the media two days ago that a explosion within the cave resulted in the collapse of the cave even as the army officials rushed in, perhaps to talk to him or apprehend him.

Listen, army officials don't "rush in" to have a chat. Pakistan has pissed off a tribe by killing their leader and now they want to smooth it out by saying it wasn't them, the cave just sort of, fell apart. Sure it did. And hey, I hear the al-qaeda training camps are spontaneously combusting all the time.

Passenger plane catches fire in Iran

"I'm telling you, we're too close to the sun!"

A plane with 147 people on board caught fire as it was landing Friday in Mashhad in northeastern Iran, killing 80 people, state TV reported.

Ladies and gentlemen we will be beginning our landing approach now. Just try to stay away from the flames for a few more minutes.

A tire blew out as the Russian-made TU-154 was landing, sparking the blaze, the report said. No crew members died in the fire, and the other passengers were evacuated, state TV said.

Allah? What's wrong big guy?