Monday, December 31, 2007

Last Post of the Year: 2007

The clock is ticking down, soon, here on the east coast of the United States, it will be 2008. I can't think of a better way to ring in the New Year than to look back and see just how damn lucky we were to have survived the previous one.

2007 was a year of ups and downs (and apparently a year of flagrant usage of cliches), mostly downs though. We watched at the beginning of the year with hopeful hearts as North Korea swore to suspend nuclear activities. They still haven't. US President Bush told us that a "surge" in the numbers of US troops in Iraq may be our answer. It seems it was. As February came, psychics hired by the Ministry of Defense failed to find Bin Laden but did get three of the five lottery numbers right, a judge gave custody of Anna Nicole Smith's body to her 5-month-old daughter and Britney Spears started her inevitable downwards spirial into madness by shaving her head. Yup the year was off to a nice start.
March came in like a lion, Nancy Pelosi, the US House Speaker, visited Syria for some odd reason. She accomplished pretty much nothing at all. Iran took British soldiers captive, which ended almost like any soap opera playing on daytime television, Atty. Gen. Alberto Gonzales was stricken with amnesia about the firing of federal prosecutors and a pizzeria in NYC offered a $1,000 pizza for anybody with enough money that they long ago lost all common sense. As April rolled through we were treated to Imus almost being stoned to death over calling the Rutgers Women's basketball team "nappy- headed hos". It was blown way out of proportion and after being suspended and cancelled, Imus is now back on the air. The Duke Lacrosse players where finally cleared and the DA faced Ethics charges. Virginia Tech. was shot up by a student, Boris Yeltsin died, someone threatened to kill a baby polar bear in Berlin and a man cut off his own penis in a crowded restaurant.
Skipping to May we were subjected to Paris Hilton going to jail but then leaving cause it was no fun, then going back, a terror plot to attack Fort Dix in NJ and Tony Blair said goodbye.
June and the beginning of summer has us reading along as Sunni's in Iraq began turning against al-qaeda and other insurgent groups, a plot to blow up JFK airport was thwarted and Salman Rushdie was knighted, Muslims got mad.
July, worms fell from the sky in Lousiana, a fat guy got stuck in a river and India named their first woman President. Oh, and the UK almost drowned in the worst flooding they've had in decades. Handled it well though, much better than some other countries handle disasters.

So now comes August and what's in the news? Well Barry "Injector Man" Bonds beat Hank Aaron's all-time record. He's in trouble for lying to the Feds now. Russia accused Georgia of using dead pigs as biological terrorism and Egypt found the oldest footprints ever. Yay!
September brought us the US Air Force accidentally flying armed nuclear warheads over just a couple of US cities. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at Columbia University and made an ass of himself by proclaiming there were no homosexuals in Iran.
October, or as I like to call it, free-candy-month, brought us plenty of information in ways of the beginning of a trend of people being killed by taser-packing-police, a meeting between North and South Korea which amounted to the same dialogue one can expect when meeting the new neighbors that just moved in and Pope John Paul II made a return from the grave in the form of fire. Many were left wondering where he actually went after he died.
November had a British teacher in the Sudan almost killed by angry Islamists because she let her children students name a teddy bear Mohammed. A 10-year-old tried to poison his teacher, a 13-year-old girl killed herself over some nasty MySpace messages sent from the mother of a schoolmate who should have her legs broken and Prince Harry got dumped. Not a good month to be a youngster.
And this month, well, just scroll the page down.

As the years pass I've come to notice that nothing changes much. Sure, Iraq's going better for the US and other countries involved and for the Iraqi citizens but now Afghanistan is turning into a clusterfuck. Muslims the world over are angry and I'm not sure exactly why, don't think anyone is really all that sure, including themselves. But as the world keeps spinning dangerously out of control, I'll keep writing about it, hopefully you'll keep laughing about it and I'll see you here next year for another depressing recap. Enjoy the night and have a safe, healthy and happy New Year.

Be good to one another.

Mad Man

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Sunday Sign of Hope December 30th 2007

Mullah Omar sacks top Taliban commander

Apparently there's no job security in terrorism.
From UPI:

One of the top military leaders of the Taliban in Afghanistan has been fired for failing to obey orders.

Mullah Omar, the head of the organization, released a statement announcing the dismissal of Mansoor Dadullah, the BBC reported. Dadullah was in command in southern Afghanistan, including the provinces of Helmand and Kandahar.

"Mansoor Dadullah does not obey the rules of the Islamic emirate and violates it," Mullah Omar's statement said. "Therefore it was decided not to appoint any post in the emirate to him."

Mansoor Dadullah's brother, Mullah Dadullah, was killed in May, becoming the highest-ranking Taliban leader to die in enemy action since the invasion following the 2001 terrorist attacks. He is believed to have been the architect of Taliban resistance since the Taliban was ousted from Afghanistan.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Snorting a Brain Chemical Could Replace Sleep

Sounds healthy.

In what sounds like a dream for millions of tired coffee drinkers, Darpa-funded scientists might have found a drug that will eliminate sleepiness.

Wait, are we talking about cocaine? It sounds like we're talking about cocaine.

A nasal spray containing a naturally occurring brain hormone called orexin A reversed the effects of sleep deprivation in monkeys, allowing them to perform like well-rested monkeys on cognitive tests.

So this is where we are as a species huh? Spraying chemicals up an animal's nose in order to elminate being sleepy? Is that really the worst of our problems here?

The discovery's first application will probably be in treatment of the severe sleep disorder narcolepsy.

Wish I had narcolepsy. That would have been the perfect excuse to why I was drooling on my keyboard at my desk the other day.

The treatment is "a totally new route for increasing arousal, and the new study shows it to be relatively benign," said Jerome Siegel, a professor of psychiatry at UCLA and a co-author of the paper. "It reduces sleepiness without causing edginess."

This is how the zombie plague begins. I think I'll just deal with yawning every once in awhile instead of spraying some drug up my nose directly into my brain. I can sleep when I get home. Besides, I need sleep. It's the only escape I get from a world that thinks up this shit.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Benazir Bhutto assassinated in Pakistan

Not surprised. An outspoken woman in an Islamic country that spoke out against Islamic fanatism and terrorism? Sad day.

This from New York Daily:

Moments from death, a smiling Benazir Bhutto rose through the sunroof of her bulletproof white SUV to salute her cheering countrymen.
Wearing a traditional white hijab, which partially concealed her purple jacket, she could not have seen the thin young man with a gun and bomb hiding among the sign-toting supporters.
Suddenly there were gunshots and an explosion and Bhutto was mortally wounded in an assassination that ignited raging violence across Pakistan Thursday - triggering gunfire and flames and threatening to derail parliamentary elections set for Jan. 8.

At least 20 people were killed in the explosion that turned a cheering crowd into a panic-stricken, blood-covered mob running hysterically through the streets of Rawalpindi.

Random shoes and shredded clothing were scattered along the street. Some of the dead were covered with the flag of Bhutto's Pakistan People's Party.

Others, their clothing torn and their bodies broken and bloodied, lay exposed in the flames, smoke and chaos that followed.

Sardar Qamar Hayyat, a leader from Bhutto's party, watched helplessly from about 30 feet away as the "thin, young" killer appeared from the crowd following a campaign appearance and pushed toward her car from behind.

Bhutto, 54, was rushed to Rawalpindi General Hospital, where Dr. Abbas Hayat said she underwent emergency surgery as doctors tried feverishly to revive her. Authorities said she died from gunshot wounds to the neck and chest.

"The surgeons confirm that she has been martyred," said Bhutto's lawyer, Babar Awan.

Grief-wracked supporters, screaming for justice, hoisted her wooden casket aloft and carried it from the hospital hours later. They chanted anti-government slogans and smashed the glass door at the main hospital entrance in a display of anger and frustration.

Her body was flown in a C-130 military aircraft and taken to the southern Pakistani province of Sindh early today for burial in her family graveyard alongside her father, party officials said. Her husband and their three children accompanied the body.

The assassination set off rioting in Karachi, a southern port city where Bhutto supporters fired at police, burned a gas station and set cars ablaze. Two police officers were wounded by gunmen. Authorities reported nine deaths in rioting across the country.

The murder of the popular former Pakistani prime minister was yet another stunning political assassination in a country whose history is dotted with them.

Bhutto was the voice for democracy and freedom in Pakistan. A pro-western woman who wanted to see Pakistan united against extremism and work to progress their country in the right direction. Her death is a blow not only to the west but to freedom itself. Al-qaeda is likely to blame, Taliban in the tribal belt, Islamic terror organizations with ties to the ISI and Pakistani military. One can only hope her death will unite the people against those who seek to harm Pakistanis and their country. Time will tell.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Man gets stuck in septic tank on Christmas Eve

O' Holy Shit.

It was a stinky holiday for Robert Schoff. The 77-year-old man spent part of Christmas Eve stuck upside down in the opening of his septic tank, with his head inside and his feet kicking in the air above.

I can think of better ways to spend Christmas Eve. Hell, I can think of better ways to spend a Monday. Of course, one must wonder why in the name of all that's good one would stick the upper half of their body into a septic tank in the first place.

"It wasn't good, I'll tell you what," Schoff said Tuesday. "It was the worst Christmas Eve I've ever had."

Are you sure?

Schoff reached into the tank Monday in an effort to find a clog, but he lost his balance and got wedged into the opening.

Why would you remove a clog in a septic tank with your hand in the first place?

The 5-foot-5-inch, 135-pound Schoff hollered and screamed for help, but it was an hour before his wife, Toni, walked by a window and saw his feet in the air.

"Quick, get the video camera!"

"I saw these kicking feet and ran out, but couldn't get him out," Toni Schoff said.

Especially since he keeps leaving the toilet seat down.

She called 911 and two Polk County sheriff's deputies yanked her husband out of the tank.

You must smell terrific.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Christmas

Due to the fact I celebrate Christmas, (not in the the Jesus way, more in the Have-a-present-where-is-mine way) I have little time to make fun of the world today, or tomorrow for that matter. So, enjoy the holiday if you're into this sort of thing. If not, have a nice Tuesday. Damnit! Earth will return on Wednesday, barring any unforseen chimney incidents or too much Egg Nog...or not enough.

Be good to one another.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Sunday Sign of Hope December 23rd 2007

Family adopts slain son's military dog

From Yahoo News:

A military working dog wounded in Iraq during a rocket attack that killed its Marine handler was adopted Friday by the slain Marine's family.

Cpl. Dustin Lee's family planned to take home the bomb-sniffing dog — named Lex — on Saturday after the 8-year-old German shepherd was granted early retirement. It was the first time a working dog was granted retirement to live with the handler's family, officials said.

"Nobody can do anything to replace the void in this family," said Col. Christian Haliday, commander of the Marine Corps Logistics Base in Albany, where Lee and Lex were assigned.

"We hope Lex can bring a small piece of his spirit and help maintain his memory," he said.

On hand for a ceremony at the base were the Marine's parents, Jerome and Rachel Lee, his sister, Madison, 16, and brother, Camryn, 12, of Quitman, Miss.

"It's not going to bring back my brother, but it's something close to it," said Madison Lee as she played with Lex after the ceremony.

Military officials initially told the family that Lex had another two years of service before he could be adopted. But the family lobbied for months — even enlisting the aid of a North Carolina congressman — and the adoption came exactly nine months after the 20-year-old Marine was killed and his dog wounded on March 21 in Iraq's Anbar Province.

2nd Lt. Caleb Eames, spokesman for the Albany base, said Lee and Lex were sitting outside at a forward operating base in Karmah when they were hit by shrapnel from a 73mm rocket explosion.

"A part of Dustin is in Lex," said the fallen Marine's father. "To have Lex at home is a part of having Dustin at home."

Rachel Lee said she believes her son's spirit will live on through the dog because of their close bond and because they were together during the final moments of her son's life.

"It was blood on blood," she said. "We can't get Dustin back, but we have Lex."

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Boy, 8, sued in ski crash

"Your honor, all we're asking for is the Power Rangers and one half of the Wii video games."

A 60-year-old man is taking an 8-year-old boy and his dad to court, claiming the third-grader caused a ski-slope collision that left the older man with a shoulder injury.

Oh come on, 60 years old and your upset about a shoulder injury? You go skiing at 60 and your lucky you didn't break your tailbone on the ski-lift.

David J. Pfahler of Allentown, Pa., filed suit in Denver federal court claiming Scott Swimm, of Vail, then 7, was skiing fast and recklessly when they ran into each other in January. Pfahler's suit says he suffered a torn shoulder tendon.

Anything moving down a snow-covered hill while standing on a slippery board is going to be going fast and recklessly. Move out the way grandpa.

The boy told Pfahler he was sorry and started to ski away when the man grabbed Scott’s legs, cursed at him and said he would sue, Robb Swimm told The Aspen Times.

Cursing at a seven-year-old? Should of just kept this to yourself instead of making it a public issue and saved yourself from looking like an asshole.

Scott's mother, Susan Swimm, said her son weighs 48 pounds and couldn't have been going more than 10 mph.

Look, if a 7-year-old is moving towards you at a high speed just kick it out of the way. Seems to me that by going skiing your accepting the risk you might get hurt. You don't own the mountain Mr. Pfahler. Lucky this isn't my kid or you'd be suing for a shoulder injury and medical bills to have a ski boot removed from you rectum.

"Who in the world sues a child?" she said.

60-year-old assholes who are just mad at the world.

Pfahler's Denver attorney, Jim Chalat, declined to comment on the specifics of the case. "It's a private matter between private parties," he said.

Not anymore. Well Mr. Pfahler, how does it feel to know the entire news-reading world now knows you're a greedy, grumpy old fart?

Friday, December 21, 2007

Woman allegedly stabs husband over gift

Now I'm seriously considering returning the paintball gun I bought for my girlfriend for Christmas.

A woman stabbed her husband with a kitchen knife following an argument that began when she accused him of opening a Christmas present early, authorities said Friday.

Calm down there Mrs. Overreaction. Some people just take those "Do Not Open Til Christmas" signs way too seriously.

Misty Johnson, 34, was arrested and charged with aggravated assault and battery, a felony, and misdemeanor domestic battery. Her husband, Shawn Fay Johnson, 34, was treated at a hospital for a wound to the chest, police said.

Why didn't she just do what most women do when their husbands don't listen and just not have sex with him for a few months. Really, the punishment here just doesn't fit the crime. Perhaps if she had stabbed him in the foot, then, maybe. But a chest wound? Too far.

Authorities said Shawn Johnson called 911 just before 1 a.m. Wednesday to report that his wife had stabbed him. He told police that his wife started arguing with him over his opening a Christmas present, according to court records.

"I peaked, she freaked. Now I'm going to die."

As the argument escalated, Misty Johnson accused her husband of having an affair, authorities said. Police found a marriage license in the couple's apartment stating they were married in late September.

I have a funny feeling this marriage isn't going to last. Good thing he didn't forget an anniversary or she would have shoved a living snake up his ass.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Jamie Lynn Spears 'pregnant at 16'

Boy, I can't wait to read the Spears' mother's book on parenting.

Early today, we learned that Jamie Lynn Spears, the 16-year-old actress and sister of pop star Britney Spears, is three months pregnant.

Things sure are exciting over there at the Spears' residence. Seems like either one of them just can't wait to destroy their careers so they can play mommy. Honestly, and I'll probably get some flack for this, but a 16 year old isn't going to be the best mother. Sure, there are exceptions out there, 16 year olds with the mind and wisdom of a mature adult who truly weighs the pros and cons of bringing a new life into the world while at such a young age. Of course, this isn't the picture you get when you hear Spears. You picture drunk and drugged up sex-capades, poor-parenting decisions and, for some reason, a trailer. A long, dirty trailer.

The news comes one day after we learned that her mother's book on parenting -- Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World -- has been put on hiatus.

You can take the trash out the trailer park but you can't take the trailer park out from between these girls' legs.

AP reports that the younger Spears is planning to raise her child in Louisiana.

In a wonderful world filled with unicorns and fairies and everything's made of marshmellow waterfalls. The sad thing is that this will cause an uproar. Millions of parents are going to be so judgemental of little Spears, getting knocked-up in the dressing room of her Nickelodeon show and all, when it really isn't her fault. Well, it is, and it isn't. See, the Spears' children probably didn't hear much about sex and responsiblity growing up in a household where mom and dad concentrated so much on pop-careers. While neither Spears child will be winning any awards for brilliance or decision making, instead of a rallying cry about these two being horrible role models for children, take this opportunity to realize that both the Spears' girls are role models. Show your kids what happens when you make bad decisions, don't use protection during sex and use drugs and alcohol in excess in situations where the choices you make will follow you for the rest of your life. Just cause the Spears' kids are playing games with their lives doesn't mean your kids will. All you have to do for them is talk to them. They'll make you feel stupid, tell you to stop bothering them and act like you're a pest, but it'll get through. Trust me, I was young once.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Family Survives 3 Days in Snow

Dead of winter might not be the best time for that family-fun hiking trip.

A father and three children who vanished on a Christmas tree-cutting trip in the Northern California mountains were found alive Wednesday after huddling in a culvert for warmth during three days of heavy snow.

You know they sell Christmas trees now? You don't have to go into the mountains to get them anymore. Twenty to thirty bucks gets you a nice pine, someone to help strap it to the car and you get the peace of mind knowing you're running a very small risk of having your fingers and toes turn black and fall off.

"I'm just amazed how well they did," Lisa Sams said after seeing her children and ex-husband for the first time since they were rescued.

And you know she worked in "this is why I divorced him in the first place." somewhere into that conversation.

A California Highway Patrol helicopter crew spotted Frederick Dominguez atop a small bridge and landed nearby, sinking into 2 feet of snow, flight officer David White said. The family had taken shelter in a culvert beneath the bridge and stomped "help" in the snow, White said.

Just below help someone stomped "Our Dad's a moron".

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Police say woman groped Santa

Looks like Santa got what he wanted for Christmas.

A 33-year-old woman was charged with fourth-degree sexual assault Saturday after allegedly groping a man playing Santa Claus at the Danbury Fair mall.

Fourth-degree sexual assault is when someone is assaulted in a sexual manner but doesn't mind.

Details leading up to the alleged fondling are sketchy.

I image it had to something to do with alcohol or lonliness or both.

"I don't know what the deal was. It was just bizarre," the mall Santa told a reporter, referring all other questions about the incident to Cherry Hill Photo, the company that runs the Danbury Fair mall Santa photo setup.

"Bizarre... and wonderful."

The mall Santa told police that Lamy touched him inappropriately while sitting on his lap.

Sure, you had a 33-year old woman sit on your lap and then you were surprised she touched you? You know, I know about 100 guys that would pay to have that happen. What's wrong, was she ugly?

Lamy was also charged with breach of peace.

Breach of peace, what's more peaceful than having your balls fondled?

Monday, December 17, 2007

Wealthy Couple Convicted of Slavery

Slavery? That's a new one. Well, it's old, but new now. I mean that I haven't heard of slavery for a long time. Not that I forgot about it...I...oh no...I like black people.

A jury on Monday convicted a millionaire couple of enslaving two Indonesian women they brought to their mansion to work as housekeepers.

Hey, if you buy two women from Indonesia you should be able to use them anyway you want.

Mahender Murlidhar Sabhnani, 51, and his wife, Varsha Mahender Sabhnani, 45, were each convicted of all charges in a 12-count federal indictment that included forced labor, conspiracy, involuntary servitude, and harboring aliens.

Fucking rich people.

Prosecutors said the women were subjected to repeated psychological and physical abuse and were forced to work 18 hours or more a day.

Sounds like a construction job.

The Sabhnanis, who have four children and operate a worldwide perfume business out of their Muttontown home on Long Island's Gold Coast, could face up to 40 years in prison, although attorneys predicted the punishment would be considerably less. He is from India, and she is from Indonesia, but both are naturalized U.S. citizens.

Mr. Sabhnani sure does like his Indonesian women don't he. Wish I could buy a couple of Indonesian women, I can't even afford one Mexican lady.

One of the couple's daughters collapsed in the front row as the verdict was read, prompting the judge to clear the courtroom while medical personnel attended to her.

"Who's going to pay my cell phone bill? And what about my car insurance? And...oh my God...I might have to get a job! I feel faint!"

Defense attorney Jeffrey Hoffman said he would appeal. "Apparently, the jury was taken by the histrionics ..." of the Indonesian women, he said.

Can you blame them, histrionics are so enchanting, I loved the number they did when they were singing and dancing about being beaten with broom handles.

Allegations of abuse included beatings with brooms and umbrellas, slashings with knives, being made to repeatedly climb stairs and take freezing cold showers as punishment for misdeeds that included sleeping late or stealing food from trash bins because they were poorly fed.

Yup, they were working construction.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Sunday Sign of Hope December 17th 2007

Umm...well...I looked and looked today for hours for a bit of good news and I can't find a damn thing. I hate to give up but, well, I am. I guess there is nothing good going on in the world. Oh well...maybe next Sunday something super will happen. Until then, enjoy a picture of a kitten.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Russia warns of US missile shield retaliation

Now I know I sometimes come down a little hard on the Russians but this story has a good point to it. Besides, Russians, you know I love you, where would I be without vodka and those little wooden dolls that have smaller wooden dolls inside them...and furry hats. And lets not forget the countless hours I've spent enjoying trying to pronounce the numerous blahblahblah-stans.

THE planned deployment of US interceptor missiles in Poland could trigger a missile strike by Russia if those missiles are ever used, the Russian army's chief of staff has warned.

Yes, yes, we all know how much you guys like to show your muscles, but this gets even better. This guy isn't saying that the Russians will launch a missile strike...on purpose.

"We are talking about the possibility of a retaliatory strike being triggered by the mistaken classification of an interceptor missile," Yury Baluyevsky said at a press conference broadcast on state television.

Ah, so, a missile enters Russian airspace and triggers an automatic response. Interesting.

Baluyevsky explained that an interceptor missile launched by the United States could be mistaken by Russia's automatic defence system for a ballistic missile aimed against Russia.

And the computers will rule the world.

"Who is going to take responsibility for an automatic triggering of the system if an interceptor missile is launched from Polish territory through Russia to strike down an Iranian missile?"

I guess anyone left alive.

"I don't mean to scare anyone but this isn't a scare story.... It's a technical detail that could affect the military stability of the world," Baluyevsky said.

That would be quite poetic wouldn't it. The end of the world as we know it due to a small technical detail.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Russia blames Britain for tense ties

Perhaps ties are tense because of the finger-pointing?

Russia's foreign minister charged Friday that Britain had been deliberately worsening relations between the two countries, prompting Moscow to shut the regional offices of a major British non-governmental organization.

A friend of a friend of mine told me that his cousin's step-brother's girlfriend heard Britain say that Russia was a poopiehead.

The British Council, which acts as the cultural arm of the British Embassy, was ordered this week to close its branches in the cities of Yekaterinburg and St. Petersburg by Jan. 1.

Everything in the world is the fault of western culture. Always. Forever.

Russia alleges that the British Council was a for-profit operation, and said its regional offices violated an international convention on consular affairs.

We need one really, really big war. Seriously. Just one. Wipe out about 80% of the population and we can try this again.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Afghans say hundreds of Taliban killed in Musa Qala


Afghan and NATO-led troops killed, wounded and detained hundreds of insurgents during fighting in the Taliban's biggest stronghold, the Defence Ministry said on Thursday.

And yet the Taliban claim it a victory. I wish I could get into that mindset, where even the worst possible disaster can be seen as a triumph. It's like driving your car into the ocean and being content cause you got to go swimming.

Musa Qala, in the southern province of Helmand, took on a symbolic importance after the Taliban seized it in February following the breakdown of a much-criticised local truce that allowed besieged British troops to pull out of the town in October last year.

I guess when the British want something back they'll take it when they feel like it...umm...oh shit.

Liza Minnelli Collapses On Stage

"We represent the Lollipop guild...the lollipop guild...the lollipop guild..."

Liza Minnelli has collapsed on stage while performing in Sweden.

"Liza down...we have a Liza down."

The Cabaret star was taken to hospital but later discharged, before being flown back to the US.

Slow news day, don't blame me.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Man Drinks Liter of Vodka at Airport Line

Yeah, fucking airports'll do that to ya.

A man nearly died from alcohol poisoning after quaffing a liter (two pints) of vodka at an airport security check instead of handing it over to comply with new carry-on rules, police said Wednesday.

Now THAT'S alcoholism. All you out there slowly drinking yourselves to death take note, this guys gonna win the race.

The incident occurred at the Nuremberg airport on Tuesday, where the 64-year-old man was switching planes on his way home to Dresden from a holiday in Egypt.

64-years-old and still chugging vodka like a fucking champ. Seriously though kids, don't do that at home, or the airport cause it's just fucking stupid.

New airport rules prohibit passengers from carrying larger quantities of liquid onto planes, and he was told at a security check he would have to either throw out the bottle of vodka or pay a fee to have his carry-on bag checked as cargo.

"I'll take option 3!"

Instead, he chugged the bottle down - and was quickly unable to stand or otherwise function, police said.

Should have tasered him to see what would happen.

A doctor called to the scene determined he had possibly life-threatening alcohol poisoning, and he was sent to a Nuremberg clinic for treatment.

Sometimes that good idea you have is really a bad idea hiding behind your stupidity.

The man, whose name was not released, is expected to be able to complete his journey home in a few days.

And the plane will fly fueled only on his breath.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Father killed daughter for not wearing hijab

Religion of peace my ass. And before you go jumping the gun and "assuming" this is just one of those crazy stories about some mountainous-tribal region nutcase from Pakistan or Iran or somewhere, I bring you the insanity of Islam...from Canada.

Friends and classmates of a 16-year-old girl who police say was murdered by her devout Muslim father in a Toronto suburb told local media Tuesday she was killed for not wearing a hijab.

How can we expect Muslims to respect the lives of non-Muslims when they don't even feel love for their own children? Monster.

Police said in a statement they received an emergency call at 7:55 am local time Monday from "a man who indicated that he had just killed his daughter."

Put this in perspective. When was the last time a father strangled his son for not putting on his yamaka before temple? Go look that up. I'm not saying all Muslims are bloodthirsty, crazed, murderous monsters who justify their actions by quoting an ancient, out-dated, warlike version of a religion, I'm just saying that all bloodthirsty, crazed, murderous monsters who justify their actions by quoting an ancient, out-dated, warlike version of a religion are Muslims.

The victim, Aqsa Parvez, was "rushed to hospital with life-threatening injuries, but tragically passed away late last night."

So where are all the left-wing nutcases who feel that Islamic terrorism is actually the West's fault for our foreign-policy? How you going to spin this into being the girls fault?

Monday, December 10, 2007

Canadian serial murderer wanted to rid world of 'evil ways'

Killed himself did he?

Canadian serial-killer Robert Pickton, convicted in the deaths of six drug-addicted prostitutes, said in letters published Monday he aimed to rid society of its "evil ways."

Ironic, but what do you expect from a serial killer? Logic?

The two letters obtained by the Vancouver Sun are replete with biblical references and spelling mistakes, and provide the first insight into what might have motivated the pig farmer to turn to mass murder.

Horrible grammar?

"I know I was brought into this world to be hear today to change this world of there evil ways," Pickton wrote in 2006 to California resident Thomas Loudamy, who corresponds with prison inmates as a hobby.

I always thought that most serial killers had above average intelligence. I guess they're letting anyone into the club these days.

"They even want to dis-re-guard the ten command-ments from the time that Moses in his day brought in power which still is in existence today."

Hey Pickton, remind me, what's that sixth commandment again?

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Sunday Sign of Hope December 9th 2007

Regiment says goodbye to Iraqi friends

From Stars and Stripes:

Less than three months after they arrived, soldiers from 3rd Squadron, 2nd Cavalry (Stryker) Regiment said goodbye Tuesday to dozens of Iraqi friends on the streets of southern Baghdad.

The unit, which is needed elsewhere in Iraq, fought bloody battles to free the Hadar neighborhood of insurgents who terrorized locals and used the area as a base for attacks in the Iraqi capital.

The 4th Platoon, Company H leader, 1st Lt. Jonathan Borders, 25, of Kailua, Hawaii, visited several families that his unit had special relationships with, reassuring them that Strykers from 2nd Squadron, 2nd Cavalry will continue to patrol their streets.

In one poverty-stricken household, a single father cared for four sons and a daughter while eking out a living as a generator repairman in the local market.

The 4th Platoon soldiers stepped in when a bully was taunting one of the children, who has a hunchback. They soon found out that the family was short of food and money, so the young soldiers chipped in $100 to buy the kids their first new clothes in a year, Borders said.

Later, they persuaded a baker to take on the oldest son as a courier, a job that comes with free bread as part of the salary. They’re trying to get the father a job with the Iraqi Security Volunteers — armed neighborhood guards credited with reducing violence in many parts of Iraq.

“When we first came here, some people resented us,” Borders recalled. “Operations were a part of it. We got in firefights. We’d get shot at and shoot back. But people appreciate the fact that we were up front with them and made an effort to visit their houses, take photos of any damage (caused by the fighting) and pay for it,” he said.

The soldiers visited the pregnant wife of an al-Qaida sniper detained several months ago.

“He’s been in prison for a while. She has a 3-year-old kid to look after and she’s six months pregnant with no income,” explained Borders.

The platoon brought the woman food and clean water and asked a neighbor to help her around the house and take her to the hospital for check-ups.

An Iraqi doctor living in Hadar said he’s glad al-Qaida is gone. The terrorists used to steal fuel from his generator, he said.

“We are happy. Before we could not go outside. … There was shooting every day and people were killed,” he said.

Sgt. Mikal Vik, 23, of Hartford, Conn., said he came to Iraq expecting only to kill the enemy, but he’s seen things change.

“It is not like when we came in here (in 2003) and removed their government and left them to it. People have stopped calling terrorists ‘freedom fighters.’ People feel like we really helped them,” he said.

“The first time I realized the neighborhood had changed for the better was when people were inviting us to their houses for lunch,” Borders said.

In the market area, the soldiers stopped and said goodbye to the shopkeepers.

“You see the people in the market painting, putting in new doors and fixing up the shops. We tell them: ‘We are here to provide security and make sure you can start living your lives without someone shooting you because they don’t like you for religious reasons,’ ” Vik said.

In another street, Staff Sgt. John Christopher Mills Jr. of Petaluma, Calif., said goodbye to a group of local teenagers hanging out on the corner. One showed off a hat that said: “MSR Irish,” the Army’s name for a local road, and everyone laughed.

“They are just the kids in the neighborhood. We’ve been in all their houses,” Borders said, adding that the platoon started building a soccer field nearby on land that insurgents used to use to park cars and plan operations.

In another house, a pair of teenage sisters looked close to tears when they heard the soldiers were leaving.

“Tell them we are the best Stryker unit in Iraq and the Army needs us to go fight al-Qaida somewhere else,” Mills said to his interpreter.

“It was sad for us to leave them,” he said afterward. “We helped out that whole neighborhood and that family, we really had a liking for. There were several families like that. They were the people who helped fix their neighborhood.”

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Bush Writes to North Korean Leader

Hi. My name is George. I am the President of the United States of America. I am 61 years old...

President Bush, directly engaging the man he publicly called a “tyrant” and privately called a “pygmy,” wrote a letter to the North Korean leader Kim Jong-il in which he held out the prospect of normalized relations with the United States if North Korea fully disclosed all nuclear programs and got rid of its nuclear weapons, administration officials said.

So let me guess this straight. The world's powers are now communicating in the same fashion as high-school students? That's just fantastic. Next Bush will be texting Ahmadinejad about the nuclear enrichment.

The unprecedented high-level personal letter from Mr. Bush to the leader of the country he famously placed alongside Iraq and Iran in his “axis of evil” in 2002 came as American negotiators were struggling to get the secretive Pyongyang government to fully explain and disclose the extent, use and spread of North Korea’s nuclear material and technology, while also urging other nations to maintain pressure on Iran in the wake of a new assessment that Tehran had halted nuclear weapons work in 2003.

Do you like me? Yes? No? Check one.

An administration official said Mr. Bush addressed the letter, “Dear Mr. Chairman,” and signed it by hand.

Mr. Chairman? There's no hope, there's no hope at all.

Friday, December 07, 2007

CIA discloses news that it destroyed interrogation video tapes

Hey, there were no blank tapes and the new episodes of CSI were on.

The CIA disclosed Thursday that it destroyed two videotapes that showed agents using highly controversial interrogation techniques such as waterboarding. The revelation is certain to heat up the debate over the treatment of terrorism suspects as well as the CIA's decisionmaking in the case.

It doesn't bother me that they destroyed the tapes as much as it bothers me that they don't even try to cover it up anymore.

The CIA says it destroyed the tapes to safeguard the identity of undercover employees.

Sure. I'll just look the other way. I'm not touching this one. The CIA is fucking nuts.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

New York store red faced over 'Hanukkah hams'

Oops, might want to read up on things before you set something like that into motion.

A posh food store in New York's Greenwich Village has found itself red faced after offering hams for sale with the slogan "Delicious for Hanukkah," the current Jewish religious holiday.

A free Bible with an order of two or more Hanukkah hams.

The non-kosher labelling was spotted at the weekend by Manhattan novelist Nancy Kay Shapiro, 46, who decided instead of alerting management to take a picture of the unorthodox sign and post it on the Internet.

It's the decent thing to do.

"I just thought it was funny," Shapiro, who described herself as an unobservant Jew, told the New York Post. "I wasn't offended in any way. I just thought, here's somebody who knows nothing about what Jews eat."

If I know anything about Jews it's this, I smell a lawsuit.

By the time Shapiro returned to the store on Tuesday, the first night of Hanukkah, the signs had vanished, the newspaper reported.

Looks like someone did the right thing and simply pointed out someones mistake.

A manager at the Balducci's gourmet grocery store told the newspaper that the sign was a mistake and blamed it on a stock clerk.

Sure, blame the minimum-wage guy. Way to take responsiblity for your job asshole. Maybe, you know, since you're in charge, you should perhaps have a better grasp on what's going on in the store huh?

Pork and shellfish are among the foods considered unclean under Jewish law.

Coming soon...Passover Lobsters!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Italy mob boss swallowed secrets before dying

Oddly enough, he choked to death.

A top Mafia boss swallowed secret notes with names and telephone numbers just before he was shot dead by police this week, officials said on Wednesday.

Now that's a last meal.

Daniele Emanuello, boss of a Mafia family in the city of Gela who was one of Italy's 30-most wanted men, was shot on Monday as he tried to flee a police raid on a farmhouse in central Sicily where he had been hiding.

Sure it's interesting that this man honored his "mafia code" enough to spend the last seconds of his life choking notebook paper down his throat but my question is, why in the fuck do you have the names and phone numbers of other criminals written down? If you're in hiding, the last thing you need to do is call let alone visit other known criminals. And didn't you have a lighter or something? Light the paper on fire for fuck sake.

An autopsy showed fragments of the notes still lodged in Emanuello's esophagus, the officials told reporters. It was not immediately clear whether the fragments were of any use to investigators, however.

Doesn't really matter, they did what they came to do.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

'Dead' canoeist John Darwin remembers nothing since 2000

I guess it's hard to remember things that happen after you die.

The mysterious canoeist, who disappeared without trace for five years, cannot remember the years that lead up to him vanishing his sons claimed today.

The human mind is a mysterious and fascinating thing. The ability to completely wipe out all memory of bad incidents to keep one remaining sane has always peaked my curiousity, since, for some odd reason, I remember each and every horrible fucking thing that has ever happened to me. Is there a switch I'm missing or something?

The story of John Darwin, 57, has been the subject of dozens of theories and rumours since it emerged that he had walked into a London police station on Saturday to declare: “I think I’m a missing person”.

"Well, not really anymore. Here you are. You found yourself. Well done."

Much of the speculation was based on the disputed events between 2000 and the canoe trip that was thought to have cost him his life two years later. His family now claim that he cannot recall anything from that period.

I call this zombie-denial. Destroy his brain, just to be safe.

Mr Darwin went missing after paddling out to sea off the coast Seaton Carew, near Hartlepool, in March 2002. The wreckage of his canoe was found outside the mouth of the Tees.

I don't know those areas so I'm not all that sure if that's far or not. I'm sticking with my zombie theory.

An extensive search operation was mounted along the coastline from Hartlepool to Staithes, North Yorkshire, but no sign of Mr Darwin was ever discovered.

Well, not NEVER.

A member of the emergency services who took part in the 14-hour search for Mr Darwin said last night that sea conditions had been as “smooth as a millpond”.

Funny how your perception alters from the safety of a boat.

Mr Darwin’s wife, Anne, sold the couple’s house and moved to Panama, in South America, just six weeks ago.

Changed the locks too. Bitch.

Today his sons released the first statement from the immediate family since his re-appearance.

"We're happy to have our father back, even if he does have a gaping wound to his chest and seems to crave human flesh."

Anthony and Mark Darwin said: “The news of John’s appearance came as a huge shock to the whole family. “We are extremely happy that he is alive and we are looking forward to spending time with him. Anne has been informed of the good news and is delighted to hear it.

"Great news, take care of him. Got myself an African husband now."

“We have spoken with John and he appears to be in good health, however he currently has no memory of events since June 2000.”

It'll all come back, probably while he's taking a bath.

Monday, December 03, 2007

A Picture's Worth A Thousand Words

Kind of says it all don't it?

Young Chimp Beats College Students

Ladies and gentlemen...the future.

Think you're smarter than a fifth-grader? How about a 5-year-old chimp? Japanese researchers pitted young chimps against human adults in tests of short-term memory, and overall, the chimps won.

Marijuana will do that to you.

That challenges the belief of many people, including many scientists, that "humans are superior to chimpanzees in all cognitive functions," said researcherTetsuro Matsuzawa of Kyoto University.

I never believed that. I'm not the least bit surprised by this result. I've seen many people who belong in the trees.

"No one can imagine that chimpanzees — young chimpanzees at the age of 5 —have a better performance in a memory task than humans," he said in a statement.

Wait, what were we talking about?

One memory test included three 5-year-old chimps who'd been taught the order of Arabic numerals 1 through 9, and a dozen human volunteers. They saw nine numbers displayed on a computer screen. When they touched the first number, the other eight turned into white squares. The test was to touch all these squares in the order of the numbers that used to be there.

Didn't you kids play Memory when you were little? You're embarrassing our species.

Results showed that the chimps, while no more accurate than the people, could do this faster.

Shame on you. Now the monkeys have bragging rights.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Sunday Sign of Hope December 2nd 2007

Younger Muslims Tune In to Upbeat Religious Message


Muna el-Leboudy, a 22-year-old medical student, had a terrible secret: She wanted to be a filmmaker. The way she understood her Muslim faith, it was haram -- forbidden -- to dabble in movies, music or any art that might pique sexual desires.

Then one day in September, she flipped on her satellite TV and saw Moez Masoud.

A Muslim televangelist not much older than herself, in a stylish goatee and Western clothes, Masoud, 29, was preaching about Islam in youthful Arabic slang.

He said imams who outlawed art and music were misinterpreting their faith. He talked about love and relationships, the need to be compassionate toward homosexuals and tolerant of non-Muslims. Leboudy had never heard a Muslim preacher speak that way.

"Moez helps us understand everything about our religion -- not from 1,400 years ago, but the way we live now," said Leboudy, wearing a scarlet hijab over her hair.

She said she still plans a career in medicine, but she's also starting classes in film directing. "After I heard Moez," she said, "I decided to be the one who tries to change things."

Masoud is one of a growing number of young Muslim preachers who are using satellite television to promote an upbeat and tolerant brand of Islam.

Television preaching in the Middle East was once largely limited to elderly scholars in white robes reading holy texts from behind a desk, emphasizing the afterlife over this life, and sometimes inciting violence against nonbelievers. But as TV has evolved from one or two heavily controlled state channels to hundreds of diverse, private satellite offerings, Masoud and perhaps a dozen other young men -- plus a few women -- have emerged as increasingly popular alternatives.

Masoud and others promote "a sweet orthodoxy, which stresses the humane and compassionate" as an alternative to "unthinking rage," said Abdallah Schleifer, a specialist in Islam and electronic media at the American University in Cairo.

As a "contemporary figure," Masoud is fast becoming an influential star among youth from "a middle-class full of yearning" who will eventually become decision-makers across the Middle East, Schleifer said. And as a product of American-founded schools in the region, Masoud is able to speak with authority about Western values in a way many others can't. His most recent show, a 20-part series that aired this fall on Iqra, one of the region's leading religious channels, attracted millions of viewers from Syria to Morocco. Clips of the show appeared immediately on YouTube, and fans downloaded more than 1.5 million episodes onto their computers.

"We don't need someone to tell us that if we don't pray we will go to hell -- we need someone to follow," said Adham el-Kordy, 23, an Egyptian who is studying to be a gynecologist. "He talks about things that happen to me every day."

The new Muslim televangelists are riding a satellite TV boom that began after the Persian Gulf War in 1991, when the region's elites were shocked by the power of CNN. The Middle East now has at least 370 satellite channels, nearly triple the number three years ago, according to Arab Advisors Group, a Jordan-based research firm. Among channels that offer news, movies and music videos are 27 dedicated to Islamic religious programming, up from five two years ago.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Show seeks to love match migrants and U.S. citizens

I have to read up on the Book of Revelations but I'm pretty sure this is in there.

A Los Angeles company is touting a new reality game show called "Who Wants to Marry a U.S. Citizen" that aims to create televised matrimony between legal citizens and immigrants who have temporary visas.

That's it, I am sealing up the doors and windows in my house with brick and am not coming out anymore. You've all gone completely insane and I'm tired of watching the world regress back into whatever crawled out of the ocean millions of years ago. Sad part is people will watch this as if people's struggle to become a US citizen to maybe better their lives is entertainment. You all make me sick. Where's my pistol?

The show's backers at Morusa Media hope to make a sort of love match between reality TV and a national obsession with immigration.

Sure, turning an immigrant's hopes of one day calling America home into a game show in which they'll have to marry a complete stranger in order to maybe better their financial or relgious or political freedom is a great idea. Remind me how gay marriage is ruining the institution of marriage.

But the producers make no promise that a marriage will occur or lead to U.S. citizenship.

So you're saying the shows a scam already. Nice.

Show creator Adrian Martinez said that Morusa Media has not yet found a network to produce or air the show.

FOX network picks it up in 3,2...

"It's this generation's 'Dating Game,' but with a twist -- it aims to show love knows no borders," Martinez told Reuters.

"Well, it has borders, but, we're jumping over them."
I hate this world.