Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Prince Charles voices distaste for McDonald's food

Well, when you have someone who cooks every meal for you every day, it's all fast food.

It is unlikely that the Prince of Wales has ever sat at a plastic table in his local McDonald's and tucked into a Big Mac and fries.

You think?

But yesterday the country's most famous organic farmer did not let his lack of firsthand experience deter him, suggesting that a global ban on the fast food giant was the key to improving children's health.

How about we start by making the healthy food as inexpensive as the shit that will kill you.

During a tour of a diabetes centre in the United Arab Emirates the prince asked a nutritionist: "Have you got anywhere with McDonald's, have you tried getting it banned? That's the key."

"Blame Ronald McDonald for your sickness kids."

But McDonald's said the comment, made as Prince Charles toured the Imperial College London diabetes centre in Abu Dhabi, was "disappointing" and showed he was out of touch.

Oh, did McDonalds cheeseburders suddenly get healthier?

Bill would mandate nicer term for illegals

Hey did anyone see where I left my freedom?

A Flordia state legislator whose district is home to thousands of Caribbean immigrants wants to ban the term "illegal alien" from the state's official documents.

I love when we all act like the problem is just the word.

"I personally find the word 'alien' offensive when applied to individuals, especially to children," said Sen. Frederica Wilson, D-Miami. "An alien to me is someone from out of space."

Out of what space? What the fuck are you talking about lady?

She has introduced a bill providing that: "A state agency or official may not use the term 'illegal alien' in an official document of the state." There would be no penalty for using the words.

Illegal immigrants will be now referred to as "uninvited human visitors that don't plan to leave".

In Miami-Dade County, Wilson said, "we don't say 'alien,' we say 'immigrant.'"

Okay, so we'll call them illegal immigrants. How long will switching the terminology solve the problem take?

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Cheney takes refuge in bomb shelter after Afghan blast

Maybe I should get one of those.

Vice President Dick Cheney was whisked into a bomb shelter immediately after a Taliban suicide bomber struck the main American military base he was visiting in Afghanistan on Tuesday.

Coincedence, or is someone leaking information to the Taliban? The plot thickens. Cue the dramatic soap opera music. Da-Da-Duh! And please, you can't kill the American Vice President. He'll shoot you in the face.

Up to 14 people were killed, including one U.S. and one South Korean soldier, in the Bagram Airbase attack which rebels said was aimed at Cheney.

What are the Taliban thinking? Do you really think that the American military isn't going to provide the upmost security for the American Vice President? Don't you know we plan these things out. You think the government is a bunch of morons? Don't answer that either.

"At 10 a.m. I heard a loud boom," Cheney said.

That's his quote? Loud boom? Yes, we all know that when a bomb goes off it's loud Mr. Vice President.

"They moved me for a relatively brief period of time to one of the bomb shelters nearby," he said. "As the situation settled down and they got a better sense in terms of what was going on, then I went back to my room until it was time to leave."

So all in all, how was your trip?

Monday, February 26, 2007

Mother May Lose Custody of Obese Boy

The zoo bought him.

Authorities are considering taking an 8-year-old boy who weighs 218 pounds into protective custody unless his mother improves his diet, officials said Monday.

This is a touchy subject but here it goes. We are all in agreement that children shouldn't smoke right? So we could say that giving an 8-year-old cigarettes is bad parenting. Because smoking can kill you. We're all in agreement that children shouldn't consume alcohol right? So, giving an 8-year-old a few pints of Guiness is also bad parenting. Because alchol can kill you. Guess what else kills you over an elongated period of time. Poor diet. But should the child be taken away from her. That's a tough one. But honestly, I'm almost thrity and I don't weigh 218 pounds. At 8, that's a big little boy.

Social service officials will meet with family members Tuesday to discuss the health of Connor McCreaddie, who weighs more than three times the average for his age.

Guess it doesn't help that the kids last name sounds like a McDonalds breakfast sandwich.

"The worst case would be Connor getting taken into care. He is well cared for," the boy's mother, Nicola McKeown, told ITV television.

"We roll him over every twenty minutes or so. "

"Child abuse is not just about hitting your children or sexually abusing them, it is also about neglect," an official was quoted as saying.

This isn't neglect, it's over-indulging a child that doesn't know any better. It's simple, a child should be running, and jumping and playing and doing so without needing to be administered oxygen from a tank. Whether the child should be taken from his mother or not is irrelevant. Someone just better do something before someone tries to roll him back into the ocean.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Sunday Sign of Hope February 25th 2007

Duke Lacrosse Makes Triumphant Return


A season lost. Three players indicted for rape. Nearly a year of criticism for everyone associated with Duke lacrosse. On this day, for a few hours, it didn't seem to matter as much.

Playing their first game in 11 months, the Blue Devils opened the 2007 season Saturday with a 17-11 victory over Dartmouth in front of a big crowd cheering their every move.

It was a triumphant return for the Blue Devils, whose season was canceled last spring amid the rape allegations that touched off a debate on sports, race, class and privilege at the elite university. And it was clear this game was more than a game, from the steady stream of students who poured into Koskinen Stadium on a sunny February afternoon to the throng of reporters covering the event.

"It feels right to be back," said Madolin Archer, mother of senior defenseman Breck Archer. "They've been working toward it for so long and the interruptions certainly have prolonged things. But it's where they should be."

The crowd of 6,485 fans _ a few hundred shy of the school record _ rivaled that typically drawn by Duke's woeful football team. The fans packed the bleachers to support a team that until last year was lost in the shadows of Mike Krzyzewski's storied basketball team.

"It really makes me proud to see them come out and give this team support," athletic director Joe Alleva said. "It's what I hoped for, for sure."

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Iran: US not in a position to take military action

Well that hasn't stopped us before.

Iran said yesterday that the United States was not in a position to take military action against it after a veiled threat from US Vice-President Dick Cheney and urged Washington and its allies to engage in dialogue.

Look, there's a time for talk and there's a time for action. Unfortunately the US administration doesn't really know what time it is and they usually just resort to action. As much as I really, really wouldn't want to see military action in Iran, it's going to happen. We all know it.

"We do not see America in a position to impose another crisis on its tax payers inside America by starting another war in the region," Iranian Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki told reporters yesterday.

You're underestimating just how many crisises our government is willing to put us through.

Mottaki was responding to Cheney who renewed Washington's warning to Iran earlier yesterday that "all options" were on the table if Tehran continues to defy UN demands to halt uranium enrichment.

Looks like we're just not happy until the entire world hates us. As much as I know Iran having a nuclear bomb is like giving a serial killer a hacksaw, I just don't think I can stomach more military action, at least, not for another two years.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Psychics 'hired to find Bin Laden'

This pretty much makes it official. We have no fucking clue where this guy is.

Psychics were recruited by the Ministry of Defence to locate Osama Bin Laden's secret lair, it was claimed yesterday.

As an American, I really, really thought my country couldn't embarass me any further. Thank God this happened in Britain or I might have just killed myself. Look, after you're done using the psychics to find bin Laden, I lost my wallet the other day...

Newly declassified documents revealed that the MoD conducted an experiment to see if volunteers could 'see' objects hidden inside an envelope.

It's a letter.

It is claimed the ministry hoped positive results would allow it to use psychics to 'remotely view' Bin Laden's base and also to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

I'm guessing, since we haven't found either of those things, this didn't work.

The MoD tried to recruit 12 'known' psychics who advertised their abilities on the Internet, but when they all refused they were forced to use 'novice' volunteers.

You surfed the net for psychics? Even my 8 year old daughter knows not to do that.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

US worried about Iraq chemical bombs

But not quite as much as the Iraqi people.

US military officials are worried about the increasing use of chemical bombs in Iraq.

Well, we WERE looking for WMDs. Here they are.

Insurgents yesterday exploded a truck carrying chlorine gas canisters – the second such “dirty” chemical attack in two days – while ground fire apparently forced the downing of a Black Hawk helicopter. All nine aboard the aircraft were rescued.

So remind me why every country but the US is pulling out of this area?

In Baghdad, a pick-up truck carrying chlorine gas cylinders was blown apart, killing at least five people and sending more than 55 to hospitals gasping for breath and rubbing stinging eyes, police said.

Things going well?

Anna Nicole judge: The baby gets the body

Children shouldn't play with dead things.

In a meandering speech, and at times choking back tears, Broward Circuit Court Judge Larry Seidlin ordered that Anna Nicole Smith's body be given to her 5-month-old daughter., you You know, by the time she comes to an age where she can honestly decide what to do with it, it's going to smell.

Seidlin directed Milstein to consult with all three parties who vied for her body -- Smith's mother, Virgie Arthur, her longtime attorney, Howard K. Stern, and ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead.

You know, there's not many options you have with a dead body. You can bury it, or you can cremate it. There are other things but most of those are illegal.

Meanwhile, at the Medical Examiner's office in Dania Beach, under a sky filled with helicopters, Dr. Joshua Perper prepared to make a statement. Private jets were reportedly waiting to take Smith's body to its final resting place.

Okay everybody...she is dead. We're all on the same page with that right?

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Blair Announces Iraq Withdrawal Plan

"We're going to leave...umm...yea, so, that's the plan."

Britain will withdraw around 1,600 troops from Iraq in the coming months and aims to further cut its 7,100-strong contingent by late summer if Iraqi forces can secure the country's south, Prime Minister Tony Blair said today.

Good luck to all the British soldiers waiting to go home. Let's hope those Iraqi forces are up to the task, but I think we all really know the answer to that.

The announcement, on the same day Denmark said it would withdraw its 460 troops and Lithuania said it was considering pulling out its small contingent, comes as the U.S. is implementing an increase of 21,000 more troops for Iraq – putting Washington on an opposite track as its main coalition allies.

Oh look, my country is doing the exact opposite of what the rest of the world is doing. I'm so shocked I could throw up. That was sarcasm by the way.

Analysts say there is little point in boosting forces in largely Shiite southern Iraq, where most non-U.S. coalition troops are concentrated. Yet as more countries draw down or pull out, it could create a security vacuum if radical Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr stirs up trouble.

Remember when war was easy? You kill the enemy, take their territory and win the war. Ah the good ol' days.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Moscow will not enter new arms race with US

So we win then?

Russia's foreign minister Tuesday reaffirmed Moscow's concern over U.S. plans to deploy missile defense sites in Europe, saying Russia would respond but would not enter a new arms race.

Now we're having problems with Russia. I wonder what it takes to become a Canadian citizen?

Poland and the Czech Republic both indicated Monday that they were ready to move forward with plans by Washington under which the U.S. would put 10 interceptor missiles in Poland and a radar in the Czech Republic.

Alright, I'm starting to see why the world hates us.

"Russia will respond to emerging threats to its national security in a carefully weighed, adequate way, and won't allow anyone to draw it into a new confrontation, a new arms race," Russia's Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov said Tuesday in a speech at a Moscow university.

What does that mean exactly?

Poland and the Czech Republic have been warned that they risk becoming Russian military targets if they go ahead with plans to host bases for a US missile defence shield.

That's the carefully weighed, adequate response?
Russia's President Vladimir Putin has said he does not trust American claims that the move is aimed at countering a missile threat from Iran and pledged countermeasures.

And when has America ever been untrustworthy, aside from that whole thing with the Native Americans, and every other thing we do? You know what, just bomb us.
At a conference in Munich earlier this month, he criticized U.S. foreign policy, accusing Washington of uncontained use of force worldwide and of triggering a global arms race in angry comments that shocked Western governments.

Yeah,'re ugly. Hah, zing!

Monday, February 19, 2007

Anglican and Catholic churches could merge

I didn't know religions could do that.

Two worldwide Christian churches are said to be considering a reunion of sorts as they both struggle with declining attendance and one tries to avoid a split over the questions of homosexual priests and marriage.

This is what happens when faith doesn't change with the times. If you truly have faith in God, just sit back, relax and let the big guy do his thing. Otherwise, you're stressing things that are out of your control. As for the churches, fuck 'em, they're only in it for the money. Businesses merge. Churches merge. Churches are businesses. Simple isn't it?

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Sunday Sign of Hope February 18th 2007

Robot-driven cars on roads by 2030: scientist

About fucking time.


Scientists are developing the next generation of robot-driven cars and predict they could be shuttling humans around by the year 2030, a conference was told.

The first wave of intelligent robot cars, capable of understanding and reacting to the world around them, will be tested this November in a competition run by the US Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA).

Scientists are developing vehicles which will not only be driven by robots independently, but will be able to operate in a simulated city environment.

"In the past it was sufficient for a vehicle just to perceive the environment, said Sebastian Thrun, an associate professor of computer science and electrical engineering at Stanford University.

"The new challenge will be to understand the environment. The robot must be able to recognize another car, to understand that it is moving and that it will interact with it as it gets closer."

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Britney Spears Leaves Rehab and Shaves Head Bald

If you listen really carefully, you can hear her mind snapping in two.

Pop star Britney Spears got ready for the weekend by shearing all her hair off and dropping by a Los Angeles tattoo parlor, where she quickly drew a crowd.

Don't you just love it when the rich and famous go completely ape shit and start acting really weird. It's great. It's like a good horror movie. You never know what's going to happen next. Thanks Britney.

The Friday evening visit to the "Body and Soul" tattoo shop in the Sherman Oaks district of Los Angeles came on the same day People magazine and other entertainment media reported that Spears, 25, had recently entered a rehabilitation center in Antigua and checked out a day later.

The only really sad thing about this is she has children.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Iraq al-Qaeda leader 'not injured'

Oh thank God, for a second I was worried about the piece of shit.

The United States military and the al-Qaeda linked group Islamic State in Iraq have both denied that the man believed to be the leader of al-Qaeda in Iraq has been wounded.

Great, now the US and al-qaeda are agreeing on things.

An Iraqi interior ministry spokesman had claimed on Thursday that Abu Ayyub al-Masri had been wounded during fighting with Iraqi forces near Balad, 80km north of Baghdad.

Can't you just let us have our hopes?

"We are pretty confident that Masri was not killed or wounded. In fact, we believe that Masri was not even involved in any kind of gun battle yesterday," Lieutenant Colonel Christopher Garver, US military spokesman, said.

Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn...

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Batman Sighting Puts Schools on Lockdown

Alright, who's fucking with the Bat Signal again?

Three schools in the north Phoenix suburb of Cave Creek were on lockdown for about 45 minutes Wednesday morning after a student at Desert Arroyo Middle School reported seeing a person dressed as Batman run across campus, jump a fence and disappear into the desert, Scottsdale police Sgt. Mark Clark said.

Batman must of locked his keys in the Batmobile again.

Officers combed the desert around the middle school. A nearby elementary school and high school also were on lockdown as officers sought the caped crusader. The result - no Batman.

I think I know where the Bat Cave is.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Al Sadr Fled Iraq, Fearing U.S. Bombs

In my experience, the people who claim to be righteous and willing to die for their cause only do so from a safe distance.

While members of the U.S. House of Representatives take turns weighing in on President Bush's planned troop surge in Iraq, the focus in Iraq is not on the arrival of more U.S. troops, but the departure of one of the country's most powerful men, Moqtada al Sadr and members of his army.

Well according to Iraqi militants, US airstrikes only hit civilians so what does he have to worry about?

According to senior military officials, al Sadr left Baghdad two to three weeks ago and fled to Tehran, Iran, where he has family.

Custer's last stand this isn't. It's more like my little sister and I fighting when we were young...yea I always ran away. She's a tough little bastard.

Al Sadr commands the Mahdi army, one of the most formidable insurgent militias in Iraq.

Now one of the most powerful in Iran.

His move coincides with the announced U.S. troop surge in Baghdad.

Coincidence? Maybe.

Sources believe al Sadr is worried about an increase of 20,000 U.S. troops in the Iraqi capital. One official told ABC News' Martha Raddatz, "He is scared he will get a JDAM [bomb] dropped on his house."

Drop it anyway. Just to see the look on his face when he gets home.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Iranian president denies arming Iraqi militants

"They're already armed, we're just giving them more arms."

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Monday dismissed American accusations that Iran was arming Shiite militants in Iraq, saying Iran was opposed to “any kind of conflict” in Iraq.

That's true though, when I think Iran I think "opposed to conflict". You know, except that global nuclear conflict they started.

“Our position for Iraq is very clear,” he said in an interview with Diane Sawyer on “Good Morning America” on ABC. “We are asking for peace, we are asking for security and we will be sad to see people get killed, no matter who they are.”

So those "Death to America and Israel" rallies where you claim that both the US and Israel will be destroyed soon is what then exactly?

In a news briefing on Sunday, American officials in Iraq showed journalists weapons they said had been made by Iranian factories and had been used to kill 170 Americans in the last three years.

Well, lets not get started on that. How many people worldwide are killed by American made guns? We start blaming the makers and man, lawsuits are going to go through the roof in the US.

Mr. Ahmadinejad refused to address the accusation directly in the interview, but he rejected the charges by saying the Americans were trying to find a scapegoat for their problems in Iraq.

Are not. By the way it's all Icelands fault.

North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament

Can't wait to hear this one. If history has taught us anything, it's that the light at the end of the tunnel is usually an explosion.

North Korea agreed Tuesday to shut down its main nuclear reactor and eventually dismantle its atomic weapons program in exchange for millions of dollars in aid, just four months after the communist state shocked the world by testing a nuclear bomb.

Key word? Eventually. That's a pretty broad time frame.
"North Korea, it's the year 2038 and you still have nuclear arms."
"We're working on it, we're working on it."

The deal, reached after arduous talks, marks the first concrete plan for disarmament in more than three years of six-nation negotiations.

Three years and we get an "eventually". Oh well, it's better than a "go fuck yourself" followed by the launching of missiles.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Valentine bouquets 'are bad for the planet'

I don't care if they make California fall off into the Pacific. They help me get laid.

The Valentine's Day bouquet — the gift that every woman in Britain will be waiting for next week — has become the latest bête noire among environmental campaigners.

Alright, firstly, does this mean because my girlfriend is not in Britain I can skate by this year on some candy and a card? Secondly, and probably ten times more importantly, what the fuck does bete noire mean?

Latest Government figures show that the flowers that make up the average bunch have flown 33,800 miles to reach Britain.

You guys don't grow flowers over there in Britain?

In the past three years, the amount of flowers imported from the Netherlands has fallen by 47 per cent to 94,000 tons, while those from Africa have risen 39 per cent to 17,000 tons.

Where are all these flowers coming from? They're all over the place here. I guess that's what you get for having Valentines Day in the middle of the fucking winter. Whoever planned that one planned poorly.
Bete noire...that's going to bother me all day.

Environmentalists warned that "flower miles" could have serious implications on climate change in terms of carbon dioxide emissions from aeroplanes.

Awesome! I now finally have the perfect excuse to flake out on Valentines Day.
"Sorry sweetie, I was going to get you some flowers but, think of the children!"

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Special Edition: Sunday Sign of What the Fuck?

Muslim worshippers stone their own buses

Sorry to fall astray from the normal Sunday Sign of Hope but this was just too good to pass up.

From The Jerusalem Post:

Following the afternoon prayers at the Temple Mount a group of approximately 150 Muslim Israeli men and women threw rocks at the buses that had been sent to take them home.

A crowd chanted, "Allah is great," while pelting the buses which were waiting near the Rockefeller Museum.

Police forces were accompanying the worshippers and said that no additional incident occurred during or after the prayer service.

Yeah, Allah would be even greater if he could call you guys some Taxis.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Putin says US wants to dominate world, US surprised

We don't want to dominate the entire world, just control it.

Russian President Vladimir Putin, in one of his harshest attacks on the United States in seven years in power, accused Washington on Saturday of attempting to force its will on the world.

This is ten times worse than that one speech in which he referred to us as cockie-doodie heads.

The White House said it was "surprised and disappointed" by Putin's accusations but added Washington expected to continue to work with Moscow in areas such as counterterrorism and reducing the spread and threat of weapons of mass destruction.

Well, everybody has bad days. Most mornings I wake up and look at my girlfriend and smile because I love her. Other mornings I think she is trying to suck my soul out through every pore in body. And it's not like I can't understand why so many people don't like the US. We're always up in everybody's business. No one likes a know-it-all.

In a speech in Germany, which one U.S. senator said smacked of Cold War rhetoric, Putin accused the United States of making the world a more dangerous place by pursuing policies aimed at making it "one single master".

Attention Americans, Putin knows too much. Initiate phase two.

Friday, February 09, 2007

"Slum tourism" stirs controversy in Kenya

And if you'll look to your right you'll see a dead body. And on our left is, well, that's another dead body. Now if we'll all gather up we'll be going over to have a look at where everybody shits.

Any journalist wanting a quick Africa poverty story can find it there in half an hour. And now at least one travel agency offers tours round Kenya's Kibera slum, one of Africa's largest.

You know, I just don't think another vacation on the ocean is what I'm looking for this year. I really kind of just want to watch the horrors of poverty up close, you know, watch the starvation go down.

"People are getting tired of the Maasai Mara and wildlife. No one is enlightening us about other issues. So I've come up with a new thing -- slum tours," enthused James Asudi, general manager of Kenyan-based Victoria Safaris.

Wildlife, smilelife, I want to see people kill each other for a dollar.

But not everyone in Kenya is waxing so lyrical about the trail of one-day visitors treading the rubbish-strewn paths, sampling the sewage smell, and photographing the tin-roof shacks that house 800,000 of the nation's poorest in a Nairobi valley.

Being poor sucks. Being poor in Africa sucks worse. Being poor in Africa while some rich tourist snaps a photo of your children right before they die of starvation should make murder legal.

New York Teacher Arrested For Using Cocaine in Classroom

You know, this would explain why me 1st grade teacher liked to play "guess which Roman God has materialized in the corner of the classroom that only Mrs. Goldman can see".

A substitute teacher in the Lewiston-Porter school district has been arrested for allegedly using drugs in a classroom.

Being a substitute teacher can be difficult. It's kind of like being the new guard in detention block D. Can you blame the lady for easing the tension a little. "Now children *SNORT*, time to play with the building blocks and later we're going glue all these chairs to the wall so we can keep the evil trolls from eating our brains. Fuck yea!"

Two fourth-grade students told administrators they believe they saw 59-year-old Joan Donatelli using drugs in the classroom last week.

"Mommy, what does chasing the dragon mean?"

Police were called in and found evidence of what they think was cocaine.

Unless Mrs. Donatelli liked to apply her white blush with a razor blade.

District officials sent a letter home to parents advising them that a substitute teacher "may have a substance abuse problem."

She may also have taught your children how to free base.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

The brain scan that can read people's intentions

Well according to this readout, this man's is about to punch me in the face.

A team of world-leading neuroscientists has developed a powerful technique that allows them to look deep inside a person's brain and read their intentions before they act.

"Well Mr. Smith, first of all, you shouldn't ask your co-worker Allison out because she's way out of your league and don't even think about bringing a rifle to work because she rejects you. Oh and the bathroom's down the hall and to the left."

The research breaks controversial new ground in scientists' ability to probe people's minds and eavesdrop on their thoughts.

Great, now it's going to be impossible to find tin foil at the supermarket.

Palestinians reach deal on power-sharing

First we kill one of your guys then you can kill one of our guys and will we continue on in said manner.

Rival Palestinian factions signed a power-sharing accord aimed at ending months of bloodshed Thursday, agreeing that the Islamic militant group Hamas would head a new coalition government that would "respect" past peace agreements with Israel.

Not to sound negative about this but I've had farts that have lasted longer than this will.

However, the United States and Israel have demanded the new government explicitly renounce violence, recognize Israel and agree to uphold past peace accords.

Why are we involved in this? It's almost like my government likes being hated by Palestinians.

"Israel expects a new Palestinian government to respect and accept all three of the international community principles — recognition of Israel, acceptance of all former agreements and renunciation of all terror and violence," Israeli government spokeswoman Miri Eisin told The Associated Press after the accord was announced.

I thought the three international community principles where hating America, corruption of power and making sure you use your own people to make a personal fortune.

She would not say whether Israel believes the guidelines of the new government fulfill those demands.

Great so you have a Israeli WOMAN telling Palestinians what to do. That's going to work out great.

Anna Nicole Smith dies at 39

Karma's a bitch.

Anna Nicole Smith, the small-town Texas girl turned Playboy Playmate who became a tabloid fixture while fighting all the way to the US Supreme Court over the estate of her elderly billionaire husband, has died in Florida at the age of 39.

I'll try not to sound insensitive but I get the feeling that Mother Nature was trying to reverse a horrible mistake by erasing her and her offspring from the gene pool. I mean, come on, you ever hear this lady talk? She'd need to up her IQ by fifty points to be a moron.

Smith, a statuesque blonde who also gained fame as an actress for Guess jeans, died at a local hospital shortly after she was reported needing medical help at her Florida hotel room by a private nurse, police said.

Guess she won't be getting that money after all.

Authorities said an autopsy would be conducted to determine the cause of death.

Can you die from stupidity? God I hope so.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Six hurt in letter bomb campaign

While most of us are enthralled by a video tape showing US forces firing on a British convoy in Iraq and an ex-astronaut losing her fucking mind, mail is exploding in Britain.

Six people were hurt on Wednesday by the latest in series of letter bombs, but police said they believed the devices were intended to shock, not kill.

Well is there anything quite as shocking as when your birthday card from great aunt Millie blows off your pinkie finger?

Wednesday's blast at the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA) in Swansea, was the third in three days aimed at agencies or contractors involved in enforcing traffic rules, leading media to blame disgruntled motorists.

Well let's not run out Islamic fanatics just yet. The only thing they haven't declared jihad on yet are cars.

The bombs were similar to three others sent in January, one of which bore the name of a jailed animal rights activist.

So to all my readers in the land over the ocean, don't open your mail. Or at least have someone you don't like all that much do it.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Video shows US friendly fire attack on British tank

War is hell. These things happen during war. It's horrible, it's tragic and it should not be on primetime. We owe our soldiers and their families more than that.

One US pilot told another "we're in jail dude" seconds after a friendly fire attack killed a British soldier, according to an Iraq war cockpit video leaked today in a move which could test Anglo-US ties.

That makes it sound as if the pilots were only thinking of themselves. I've seen the video and the pain and panic and sadness in the pilot's voice is overwhelming. It is a video of a tragic mistake that shouldn't have happened, that we all wish didn't happen, but unfortunately did. You can hear the pilot crying after the incident.

The apparently incriminating video records the pilots repeatedly cursing, and one of them weeping, after being told they had attacked a British convoy near the start of the 2003 Iraq War.

I question why The Sun, a British media organization, felt the public needed to see this.

"I'm going to be sick," one of the pilots says, according to the video aired by British television channels Sky News and the BBC.

So am I.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Space shuttle astronaut arrested at OIA on attempted kidnapping, battery charges

Seems she left her mind obriting the earth.

A NASA astronaut is being held without bail after police say she attacked her rival for another astronaut's attention at Orlando International Airport Monday.

It's good to know only our best and bravest and those unable to control their emotions in a rational way get to go into the last frontier.

Lisa Marie Nowak drove more than 12 hours from Texas to meet the 1 a.m. flight of a younger woman who had also been seeing the astronaut Nowak pined for, according to Orlando police.

So how long has NASA been shooting trailer trash into the solar system?

Nowak -- who was a mission specialist on a Discovery launch last summer -- was wearing a trench coat and wig and had a knife, BB pistol, and latex gloves in her car, reports show.

Guess this didn't show up on her pysch screening?

They also found diapers, which Nowak said she used so she wouldn't have to stop on the 1,000-mile drive.

Amazing. So the faster she drove the more fucking crazy she got? Was this actually a top secret NASA experiment? Possibly. But it was probably just some crazy woman doing what crazy women do best.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Sunday Sign of Hope Febuary 4th 2007

Former Miss Canada Helps Free Jailed Iranian Teen

From CBC News:

A teenage girl sentenced to death in Iran was released from jail Wednesday, much to the relief of a Canadian woman who fought 10 months to free her.

Vancouver singer Nazanin Afshin-Jam, who was once crowned Miss World Canada, said she is ecstatic that 19-year-old Nazanin Fatehi has been freed.

"I can't tell you how happy I am," Afshin-Jam told CBC News. "I spoke to Nazanin this morning and she's extremely happy and she's reunited with her family."

Fatehi was sent to death row a year ago after she confessed to stabbing and killing one of three men who tried to rape her and her 16-year-old niece. The attack happened in a park near Tehran in 2005, when Fatehi was just 17.

In early January, an Iranian court overturned the death sentence and ruled that Fatehi was acting in self-defence. She was exonerated from the charge of murder, but the court ruled she must pay compensation to the family of the man she stabbed in exchange for the pardon.

Wednesday, she was released on bail while her lawyers appeal the compensation ruling.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Philippines' Military Chief Expects to Be Freed Sunday

If all goes as planned, this hostage situation will be over in time for the Super Bowl.

A top Philippine military official says he is hopeful that Muslim separatists will release him and other peace negotiators on Sunday after apparently holding them against their will.

That's a very conveinant kidnapping.
" We're going to kidnapp you but don't worry, we will be letting you go at about noon on Thursday."

Using his cell phone to communicate, Brigadier-General Ben Dolorfino said Saturday that it is likely that he will be allowed to return after one more night.

Well, he would leave tonight but who wants to miss Saturday game night. Yatzee, Monopoly and then a sudden death round robin tournament of Twister? I'm there!!

General Dolorfino, Defense Under Secretary Ramon Santos and several other people traveled to the southern Philippine island of Jolo on Friday to hold talks with a faction of the Moro National Liberation Front.

Apparently the MNLF wanted to talk a little longer than everyone expected.

News reports quote General Dolorfino as saying they are being treated as guests and their security detail has not been disarmed.

Then this really isn't being held against your will. See, if I was kidnapped and allowed access to firearms, I'd be home in time for lunch.

Iran Opens a Nuclear Site to International Visitors

Just one? That's like having a search warrant to only look in the bathroom.

Iran opened one of its nuclear sites to a large number of local and international reporters and a delegation of foreign ambassadors on Saturday in an effort to show the transparency of its program before a United Nations Security Council deadline this month.

"See, nothing bad happening here. Just don't look in the basement."

Delegations from the Non-Aligned Movement, Group of 77 and League of Arab States arrived at the Isfahan Uranium Conversion Facility in central Iran with nearly 100 reporters.

So they basically showed a nuclear facility to a group of people who don't care if Iran goes nuclear. Darn, what am I going to do with all my "Iran is finally coming to its senses" baners and streamers?

Iran’s ambassador to the International Atomic Energy Agency, Ali Asghar Soltanieh, said Saturday that the purpose of the tour was to assure the world that Iran’s program was peaceful.

So then show the world, not just a bunch of nobody's. And show them ALL the nuclear facilities, not just the pretend one.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Top Islamist Leader Calls for Peace And Reconciliation

An Islamist calling for peace and reconciliation? ...uh, what happened? I think I just fainted.

Somalia's top Islamist leader, Sheik Sharif Sheik Ahmed, with whom Shabelle had an interview from Nairobi, Kenya on Friday, said the US government worked hard to bring him to the Kenyan capital Nairobi.

About three months ago weren't we accusing this guy of harboring al-qaeda? I can't tell who's the enemy and who isn't anymore.

"The U.S. and I have had dialog over how to introduce peace into Somalia. We have agreed on many issues and we still have something left," he said.

Well, it's nice to know that we're capable of getting along with Islamists when we want to. Maybe the Muslim nations will realize that we're not all that bad. I mean, when you put aside the random missiles we fire into homes around the region you can get to our warm, loving centers.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Humans 'Very Likely' Making Earth Warmer

That's cause we're glowing with love and radiation.

The most authoritative report on climate change is using the strongest wording ever on the source of global warming, saying it is "very likely" caused by humans and already is leading to killer heat waves and stronger hurricanes, delegates who have seen the report said Thursday.

I don't know what all the fuss is about. Humans are making the earth warmer and that's causing the earth's climate to become more and more uninhabitable for us. In time, we'll all die and the earth will be fine. It's kind of like applying ointment to a skin rash.

Dozens of scientists and bureaucrats from 113 countries are editing the new report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change in closed-door meetings in Paris. Their report, which must be unanimously approved, is to be released Friday and is considered an authoritative document that could influence government and industrial policy worldwide.

10 bucks says the US completely ignores this report.

Three participants said the group approved the term "very likely" in Thursday's sessions. That means they agree that there is a 90 percent chance that global warming is caused by humans.

That leaves a 10 percent chance that the warming is caused by supernatural creatures that use their powers to draw the sun closer to earth. You know, there's an 80 percent chance these scienctists don't know what the fuck they're talking about.