Today's Is an Important Day

At least, for yours truly. Today is my birthday. So, in light of the fact that I have survived another full year without causing much harm to myself, and also considering I've been celebrating my health and happiness by trying to destroy the health part in one night, no news today.

I'm sure tomorrow the 15 British soldiers will still be being held illegally in Iran, the war on Iraq will still be spinning out of control, Bin Laden and his cronies will still be sucking the same air I am and that's not fair and our planet will still be on a collision course with it's own impending doom. So today, I raise a glass to myself, smile and take a moment to remember those who won't be having birthdays this year. At least, the ones worth remembering. Here's to all you kind-hearted, sarcastic-cause-you-give-a-shit, intelligent people who would trade it all for a moment of peace, quiet and goodwill. May you find something to smile about.

Pelosi Going to Syria Despite Objections

Good thing we show the world how unified our government is.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi will visit Syria, a country President Bush has shunned as a sponsor of terrorism, despite being asked by the administration not to go.

Bitch.

"In our view, it is not the right time to have these sort of high- profile visitors to Syria," State Department spokesman Sean McCormack told reporters Friday.

Understandable, but really, when is a good time to send a high-profile visitor to Syria?

Pelosi arrived in Israel on Friday in what is her second fact-finding trip to the Middle East since taking over leadership in the House in January.

Fact finding? Use the phone. Do you think because you're not in the same government party as the President you're not still a target for terrorists? This is not a good idea lady.

Britons Worry Over Captive Sailors

It's not only Britons that are worried.

A boy's question cut to the chase. "My family lives in Iran and I'm worried that you might invade my home country," the 10-year-old told Prime Minister Tony Blair's likely successor.

Don't worry little guy, if you are hit with a missile, it'll be quick and painless. Providing of course it's a direct hit. If not, well...here's some candy.

The reply was that Britain was seeking a diplomatic solution - for now.

So, how long exactly is Britain planning to keep the diplomatic facade up before I can expect all hell to break loose?

As the crisis over Iran's capture of 15 sailors deepens, Britain faces fresh criticism at home over its military presence in the Persian Gulf and anger over failed efforts to free the crew. Few fear an invasion like that in Iraq, but many worry any military operation _ however small _ could end in bloodshed and upset plans for a British troop withdrawal from the region.

Funny how, no matter the situation, it's always the democracies fault. Iran kidnapped your soldiers. They just took them like they owned them. There's a big war coming, it's be coming for decades. We better just prepare ourselves for it. The middle east wants it, they've been trying to instigate it for years. How can you not see that?

Britain has been pummeled by fierce protests since it became America's strongest ally in the war in Iraq, sentiment that has weakened Blair's government and caused his Labour Party to lose a significant number of parliament seats in 2005 elections.

Yes, we know Iraq was a bad move, we know it here in the US as well as you do. And I can image how outrageous it must be considering you weren't the ones attacked on 9/11. But there is a bigger picture here. Bigger than Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran. It's a conflict of ideas, beliefs and religion. And it's going to hit the fan, whether we're in the middle east or not. They aren't peaceful people over there. They won't just go away if we ignore them.

Most Britons have rallied behind the captured crew _ some even want the government to attempt a rescue _ but others say they can't stomach the possibility of another Middle East conflict.

Aww...your tummy hurt? Life too much for you. Get a helmet.

US 'Surprised' by Saudi Comments on American Role in Iraq

Are we really? Listen, that whole region is crazy. When you're dealing with crazy people, nothing should be surprising.

The Bush administration Thursday expressed surprise, and said it was seeking clarification, over remarks by Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah at the Arab League summit that the United States role in Iraq was an "illegal foreign occupation."

Seems pretty clear to me. Saudi Arabia doesn't think we should be occupying Iraq. Do you really find it strange that Saudi Arabia is pretty much on the same side as EVERYONE else?

Officials here are not depicting downplaying the remarks of the Saudi king as a problem in relations with Saudi Arabia, a key Middle East ally of the United States.

Our ally? The country most of the 9/11 hijackers came from?

But they say they will contact the Saudi government over the comments, and are defending the legality of U.S. involvement in Iraq.

"Hey Abdul, what's your fucking problem?"

Children freed from bus in Manila

Just wait till you hear why they were being held.

A man who took a busload of children and teachers hostage from his day-care centre in the Philippine capital, Manila, today freed them after a 10-hour standoff that he used to denounce corruption and demand better lives for impoverished children.

That's right. To demand better lives for children, this lunatic took a busload of them hostage. You have to wonder what it is exactly that keeps theat 85% of the worlds population from being able to think things through properly.

Clutching dolls and backpacks, the children began filing off the bus shortly after 7pm (1100 GMT) - as Jun Ducat had promised in a rambling message delivered via a loudspeaker hours earlier.

There are better ways to get people's attention. Like...well...I really can't think of anything quite as "attention grabbing" as kidnapping a bus full of kids.

Mr Ducat, a 56-year-old civil engineer who has staged other attention-grabbing stunts in the past, then put the pin back in a grenade, handed it to a provincial governor and surrendered.

Just shoot him. Really. Shoot him. We're all better off.

Sewage 'tsunami' kills four in Gaza

That's a lot of shit.

At least four Palestinians drowned in a tsunami of raw sewage on Tuesday when a water treatment reservoir burst, flooding a village in the northern Gaza Strip.

Drowning in raw sewage. I think I just found the worst way to die.

The deluge, triggered by the collapse of a septic system aid organisations had long warned was dangerously overburdened, submerged dozens of homes in the Bedouin farming village of Umm al-Nasr beneath a cesspool of foul-smelling effluent.

Yucky.

Village children clung to wooden doors floating on the putrid waters as rescuers used boats to help the victims.

That should scar them good.

"The situation is very bad," village mayor Ziad Abu Thabet said.

Good thing we have leaders like Ziad Abu Thabet to be the voice of reason during disasters like these. Mr. Thabet, would you say that the flood of human waste didn't make people happy?

Woman, dog both sick after eating recalled pet food

Are you surprised lady?

A Canadian woman says she became violently ill after eating some of her dog's food.

Why would you do that? What's the matter with you?

It's a case that could be related to the tainted pet food that has killed several dogs and cat's and sickened dozens more across in Canada and the United States.

Not a good time to be trying out Sparky's tasty treats is it?

Elaine Larabie tells the Ottawa Citizen that for three days she suffered symptoms that included loss of appetite, vomiting, foaming at the mouth and trouble urinating. She went to an emergency room on Tuesday and is now awaiting test results from blood work.

Have they scheduled the pysch test yet?

After noticing her dog, Missy, wasn't eating, Larabie said she took bites of Iams pet food in order to trick the terrier into thinking it was people food.

You know your dog thinks you're an idiot now don't you? Really, what the hell is wrong with you people?

The ploy worked and the mealtime routine continued for about two weeks until both dog and master became sick on March 17.

You ate dog food for two weeks. Wonderful.

Sweeping changes to global climate seen by 2100: study

Hold on, let me do the math...times two...carry the one...plus fourty two...yup, I'll be dead by then.

Many of the world's climate zones will vanish entirely by 2100, or be replaced by new, previously unseen ones, if global warming continues as expected, a study released Monday said.

Oh my God, what will my children do in their old age if they don't die early from one of the other many, many deadly problems on this planet.

Rising temperatures will force existing climate zones toward higher latitudes and higher elevations, squeezing out climates at the colder extremes, and leaving room for unfamiliar climes around the equator, the study predicted.

So, what, it's going to get hot? What are you trying to tell me here?

The sweeping climatic changes will likely affect huge swaths of land from the Indonesian rainforest to the Peruvian Andes, including many known hotspots of diversity, disrupting local ecological systems and populations.

So Hawaii won't be a popular tourist attractions anymore? Is that what this means? What the fuck are you saying?

"The warmest areas get warmer and move outside our current range of experience and the colder areas also get warmer and so those climates disappear," said Jack Williams, a professor of geography at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, and author of the paper.

So it's going to get warmer. Okay, thank you. I'll be sure to be buried in shorts.

Sunday Sign of Hope March 25th 2007

Offensive against Taliban succeeding, Nato says

From Stuff.co.nz:

KABUL: Nato commanders said they were pleased with the initial results of a spring offensive launched this month to pre-empt the Taliban in their southern strongholds.

The deployment of several thousand Nato and Afghan troops as part of Operation Achilles in the southern province of Helmand – Afghanistan's poppy-growing heartland – has put the guerrillas on the back-foot, senior officers said.

The comments came hours after Afghan and NATO troops killed 12 suspected Islamist insurgents overnight when they tried to attack a military base in the southeastern province of Paktika, on the border with Pakistan.

The attackers were repulsed with small arms fire, backed by air support and artillery, a statement from the coalition said. Two coalition and two Afghan soldiers received minor wounds.

"Achilles is delivering positive results and our efforts have resulted in eroding the enemy's capacity to fight," said Major-General Tonne van Loon, the southern command chief of Nato's International Security Assistance Force.

Troops had encircled the fighters and prevented them from getting reinforcements, including foreign fighters from across the border in Pakistan, he told a news conference.

Clashes between the Taliban rebels and coalition troops has escalated with the end of winter in Afghanistan in what is expected to be a crunch year for both sides.

Last year saw the worst violence in Afghanistan since US-led forces ousted the Taliban from power in late 2001. More than 4000 people died in fighting in 2006, including about 1000 civilians.

Iran 'to try Britons for espionage'

There goes any sympathy Britain had for Iran.

FIFTEEN British sailors and marines arrested by Iran¿s Revolutionary Guards off the coast of Iraq may be charged with spying.

All this time I thought the US was going to be the one to attack Iran. I guess I was wrong. Go get your soldiers back.

A website run by associates of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Iranian president, reported last night that the Britons would be put before a court and indicted. Referring to them as “insurgents”, the site concluded: “If it is proven that they deliberately entered Iranian territory, they will be charged with espionage. If that is proven, they can expect a very serious penalty since according to Iranian law, espionage is one of the most serious offences.”

And if that happens, you can expect a very serious ass kicking cause in western law, harming our soldiers is one of the most serious offences...unless you're the President, then it's your job.

The warning followed claims by Iranian officials that the British navy personnel had been taken to Tehran, the capital, to explain their “aggressive action” in entering Iranian waters. British officials insist the servicemen were in Iraqi waters when they were held.

Here we go...

Earthquake jolts Japan

I don't do a lot of news on Japan. Here we go.

At least one person was killed and at least 40 injured when a strong earthquake with a preliminary magnitude of 7.1 jolted the coastal area of central Japan on Sunday, public broadcaster NHK said.

A 7.1? That's like...well...like a not so great score at the olympics.

Japan issued a tsunami warning today along the west coast of the main island of Honshu following a strong earthquake, the meteorological agency said.

No word on whether Godzilla was involved.

Japan lies at the junction of four tectonic plates and endures about 20 per cent of the world's most powerful earthquakes, which frequently jolt Tokyo and other major cities.

What a stupid place to put a country.

White House Spokesman to Undergo Surgery

Probably to remove all that bullshit from his mouth.

Presidential spokesman Tony Snow is undergoing surgery Monday to remove a growth in his lower abdomen, a procedure he said was being done "out of an aggressive sense of caution" because he had colon cancer two years ago.

There's a good chance that the growth in his lower abdomen is his hat, left there from his head's many trips up his ass.

"Please do not leap to conclusions about this because we don't know what this is," Snow told reporters. "We know it's coming out and I know I'll be back soon."

I said the same thing to my girlfriend during sex the other day.

Snow had his colon removed in 2005 and underwent six months of chemotherapy after being diagnosed with colon cancer.

Ahha! That's why all that shit comes out his mouth.

British Forces Held By Iran

I assume this doesn't mean "hugged".

Iran says it took 15 British servicemen hostage at gunpoint because they had crossed into Iranian waters.

"That's our part of the ocean! Oh great! Now it smells like tea."

The eight Royal Navy sailors and seven Marines were seized by Iranian troops while carrying out a routine inspection in what the British say were Iraqi waters.

That's the problem with water. You can't put signs up.

According to reports on Iran state television, a British envoy was summoned to the foreign ministry in Tehran.

According to witnesses, the summoning process require two feathers from a crow, a lizard's eye, the tail of a cobra and the blood of a virgin.

An unnamed foreign ministry official was quoted as saying the 15 had been "detained by Iran's border authorities for further investigation... of the blatant aggression into Iranian territorial waters".

This probably won't end well for Iran. But then again, we all knew an unhappy ending was inevitable.

Detroit likened to Iraq

Holy shit. I didn't realize it had gotten that bad in Iraq.

A Republican congressman representing rural southern Michigan is taking heat for saying that most of Iraq is at least as under control as Detroit is.

He's got a point. For all you foreigners not familiar with Detroit...he's got a point.

Freshman Rep. Tim Walberg's comments, made Monday on WILS-AM in Lansing, didn't sit well with Democrats -- who issued a news release Wednesday -- or the office of Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. "Any reference to Detroit as a war zone is absurd," said Matt Allen, the mayor's spokesman.

He was killed by a roadside bomb two hours later.

Walberg's spokesman, Matt Lahr, said the congressman "frequently shares sentiments expressed to him by the soldiers and veterans he meets." He wouldn't say whether a soldier or soldiers made the Detroit remark.

A little slight of hand, some spin, some hints at where the comment came from and BAM, you got yourself an excuse. Good work.

Gore Implores Congress to Save Planet

You're barking up the wrong tree there Gore. Try the Justice League of America.

Al Gore, who has reversed his political fortunes to become a potential contender in the 2008 presidential race, made an emotional return to Congress Wednesday in an appeal for an even more dramatic rescue - saving the planet.

How many times do I have to tell you people this? The planet is not in danger. Humanity is. And, honestly, after reading the news on a daily basis for over a year, we're better off without ourselves.

Gore - who is one of voters' top choices for the Democratic presidential nomination even though he says he's not running - implored lawmakers to adopt a list of policy prescriptions to stop global warming.

So everyone wants to vote for the guy who's not running. No wonder the Democrats have trouble getting power.

"The planet has a fever," Gore said.

For the flavor of a pringle.

"If your baby has a fever, you go to the doctor. If the doctor says you need to intervene here, you don't say, 'Well, I read a science fiction novel that told me it's not a problem.' If the crib's on fire, you don't speculate that the baby is flame retardant. You take action."

I beg to differ. It is possible that the baby has a teleknetic power to start fires. It's possible I tell you.

Bush weighs in on Gonzales, attorney firings

Another day, another scandal.

A defiant President Bush vowed Tuesday to fight any effort by Congress to compel the testimony of top White House advisors about the firing of federal prosecutors, setting up a potential constitutional showdown and the first major direct confrontation with the new Democratic majority on Capitol Hill.

So when exactly did the American people become so accepting of the constant lying from our government? It's like we expect it so it doesn't bother us anymore. Maybe this country needs a few more terror attacks to get us off the fucking couch and back into running our own lives.

The president also defended embattled Atty. Gen. Alberto Gonzales and accused Democrats more broadly of trying to score "political points" rather than "gather facts" over the dismissal of eight United States attorneys. He offered instead to release all White House communications related to the issue and to allow the aides to be interviewed privately but not under oath, a proposal that Democrats rejected.

Wow Mr. Bush, just wow. It's like he's trying to set the example of how bad a presidency can go.

"There is no indication that anybody did anything improper," the president said in a brief statement in the Diplomatic Reception Room of the White House. "…We will not go along with a partisan fishing expedition aimed at honorable public servants."

So Iraq is burning, al-qaeda's on the rise in the tribal belt of Pakistan and there is more scandal in the White House. Now, honestly Amercia, how many of you watched American Idol this week. Idiots.

Study Finds One-Third of Washington D.C is Illiterate

I'm really not surprised.

About one-third of the people living in the national's capital are functionally illiterate, compared with about one-fifth nationally, according to a report on the District of Columbia.

So who are all those people visiting my blog from D.C.? Oh that's right, I have pictures.

Adults are considered functionally illiterate if they have trouble doing such things as comprehending bus schedules, reading maps and filling out job applications.

Or running the country.

The growing number of Hispanic and Ethiopian immigrants who aren't proficient in English contributed to the city's high functional illiteracy level, which translated to 170,000 people, said Connie Spinner, director of the State Education Agency. The report says the district's functional illiteracy rate is 36 percent and the nation's 21 percent.

I guess I'm doing this blog mainly for our friends in other countries. Maybe I should get myself a Chinese keyboard.

Sunday Sign of Hope March 18th 2007

Iraqis: life is getting better

From Times Online:

MOST Iraqis believe life is better for them now than it was under Saddam Hussein, according to a British opinion poll published today.

The survey of more than 5,000 Iraqis found the majority optimistic despite their suffering in sectarian violence since the American-led invasion four years ago this week.

One in four Iraqis has had a family member murdered, says the poll by Opinion Research Business. In Baghdad, the capital, one in four has had a relative kidnapped and one in three said members of their family had fled abroad. But when asked whether they preferred life under Saddam, the dictator who was executed last December, or under Nouri al-Maliki, the prime minister, most replied that things were better for them today.

Only 27% think there is a civil war in Iraq, compared with 61% who do not, according to the survey carried out last month.

By a majority of two to one, Iraqis believe military operations now under way will disarm all militias. More than half say security will improve after a withdrawal of multinational forces.

Margaret Beckett, the foreign secretary, said the findings pointed to progress. “There is no widespread violence in the four southern provinces and the fact that the picture is more complex than the stereotype usually portrayed is reflected in today’s poll,” she said

'Friendly fire' killing unlawful

This is too bad.

A British soldier who died in a US "friendly fire" attack during the Iraq war was unlawfully killed in an incident, which was entirely avoidable, a coroner ruled on Friday.

Unfortunately, most things are avoidable in hindsight. I'm not making excuses, I'm just saying that this "unlawful" business may be going a bit far on the matter. How about all those "unlawful" beheadings we never read about?

Coroner Andrew Walker said the attack on lance corporal Matty Hull's convoy in the 2003 conflict was criminal, and hit out at the US military for failing to co-operate with the inquest into the soldier's death.

Great, now we're fighting with each other. Got to hand it to those Islamic terrorists, they have both unity and mass support, two things we don't.

Pearl parents not sure if Khalid Sheikh telling truth

Who knows if he's telling the truth. Who cares?

The parents of murdered US journalist Daniel Pearl said on Thursday it was “impossible to know” if alleged terrorist mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was the man who had beheaded their son.

I have to let this out. I've heard many people, Rosie O'Donnell one of them, speaking about the inhumane conditions Khalid Sheikh Mohammed had to endure in the secret CIA prisons. They say that his confession was forced by torture. They say he's being treated like an animal. I say, when did Americans become pussies?
What kind of hand Khalid Sheikh Mohammed had in the events of 9/11 is irrelevant. He was the supreme military commander of al-qaeda, one of al-qaeda's biggest planners. Did he personally behead Daniel Pearl? Maybe. Was the confession forced by torture? Maybe. Regardless, this man hurt Americans over the course of his life and if we didn't have him detained he would be continuing his efforts to do so.
I don't agree 100% with the American governments actions in the war on terror and God knows I don't trust the government at all. But I do know that this man is a terrorist, a man who uses violence in an attempt to further his cause which is dominaition through bloodshed. Take the fucking kid gloves off America, close your eyes and remember those towers falling, the planes crashing, the people jumping to their deaths and the tears of the parentless children. Then look me in the eye and tell me you give a shit about this man.
You think the Islamic world would raise one word for you if the roles were reversed? If you where charged with insulting Islam or hurting Muslims in Pakistan, how many people in Pakistan would cry out for your "human rights". You want human rights, act like a human. A human being doesn't belong to a group that flies planes into offices in a tower.

Iranian leader's trip to New York OK with U.N.

How does NY feel about it though?

The U.N. Security Council on Friday accepted Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's request to defend his country's nuclear program when the 15-nation body votes on arms and financial sanctions against Tehran.

It's just the best when crazy people make speeches. Regardless of politics and the war on terror and Iraq and yada yada yada, bottom line is Ahmadinejad is one crazy dude and that's entertainment.

The Iranian leader wants to address the council before members raise their hands on the resolution but no date has been set for a vote, said South African U.N. Ambassador Dumisani Kumalo, this month's council president.

Get the popcorn. Ten bucks says he mentions Allah at least twelve times.

Al Qaeda Chief Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Confesses to Planning Sept. 11

Anyone else get the feeling that the government might try to use this confession to let Bin Laden and Zawahiri off the hook?

Terror mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed calmly explained to a U.S. military tribunal that his murderous plots were simple acts of war, comparing Al Qaeda leader Usama Bin Laden to American Revolutionary War hero George Washington.

Except George Washington's actions birthed a free nation. Osama's actions caused missiles, lots and lots of missiles.

Mohammed's incredible confession to a Guantanamo tribunal was detailed in a transcript released Wednesday by the Pentagon in which he calmly listed 28 terrorist attacks — topped by Sept. 11 — since the early 1990s that he either directly planned and three more that he had hand in.

The JFK assassination, the Roswell UFO incident, building the Pyramids, the fall of the Roman Empire...

The gruesome attacks range from the suicide hijackings of Sept. 11, 2001 — which killed nearly 3,000 — to a 2002 shooting on an island off Kuwait that killed a U.S. Marine.

It's also being reported that he himself beheaded Daniel Pearl. Definitely a bad guy we have in our custody. I'm interested to hear the human rights people defend this piece of shit.

"We consider we and George Washington doing same thing," Mohammed lectured to the tribunal, and in a rambling explanation spoke coldly about how "the language of war is killing."

Good point. Hang him.

Hamas and Fatah Agree on Unity Government

For all those Palestinians who live in poverty, and don't plan on blowing anything up, I sure hope this new unity government brings them some sort of peaceful existence. Call me skeptical however, cause in the past, it only takes one or two minutes for things to fall apart. One...two...

After many months of negotiations, broken by periods of fierce fighting, the rival Hamas and Fatah movements announced today they had agreed on a national unity government, which is expected to be ratified on Saturday.

Well it didn't even take a few seconds to start falling apart. It was falling apart while it was being put together.

The new government, still led by Prime Minister Ismail Haniya and dominated by Hamas, includes some moderate figures from Fatah and independent parties, including the finance minister, Salam Fayyad, and it was greeted with relief by ordinary Palestinians, who hope that it will be able to pay their salaries and put an end to internal warfare.

Ordinary Palestinians? How do the super-hero Palestinians feel about it?

But the political document guiding the new government does not explicitly fulfill the international community’s three demands — to recognize the right of Israel to exist, to forswear violence and to accept previous Israeli-Palestinian agreements.

Shocking.

Israel immediately announced that it would not deal with the new government or any of its ministers, including Mr. Fayyad, so long as the government as a whole does not meet the three demands. The United States is expected to follow Israel’s lead, but the European Union is expected to have a fierce internal debate about whether to continue its isolation of this new Palestinian government.

It's like Israel helped the US hide the dead body of a hooker a while back and we are forever indepted. Just once, one fucking time, I would love to hear someone tell Israel and Palestine that the US is just "staying out of this one."

Dying Woman Loses Marijuana Appeal

Stupid, stupid. stupid...

A California woman whose doctor says marijuana is the only medicine keeping her alive can face federal prosecution on drug charges, a U.S. appeals court ruled Wednesday.

If you put her in jail we should all get together and shove California into the Pacific ocean until it comes to its senses.

The case was brought by Angel Raich, an Oakland mother of two who suffers from scoliosis, a brain tumor, chronic nausea and other ailments. On her doctor's advice, she eats or smokes marijuana every couple of hours to ease her pain and bolster a nonexistent appetite as conventional drugs did not work.

And the pharmaceutical companies must love that.

The Supreme Court ruled against Raich two years ago, saying that medical marijuana users and their suppliers could be prosecuted for breaching federal drug laws even if they lived in a state such as California where medical pot is legal.

Huh?

Because of that ruling, the issue before the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals was narrowed to the so-called right to life theory: that marijuana should be allowed if it is the only viable option to keep a patient alive.

No offense, but if the only way I could stay alive was to eat the brains of little children you better keep me away from the playground.

Raich, 41, sobbed when she was told of the decision and said she would continue using the drug. "I'm sure not going to let them kill me," she said. "Oh my God."

I love my country but I hate my country. Does that make sense?

Luxury Pie: NYC Restaurant Offers $1,000 Pizza

If you have $1,000 to blow on a pizza, you're an asshole.

Forget traditional cheese and pizza sauce, the record-priced pie will be topped with creme fraiche, chives, eight ounces of four different kinds of Petrossian caviar, four ounces of thinly sliced Maine lobster tail, salmon roe, and a little bit of spice with wasabi.

Sounds fucking digusting. Seriously, don't we have anything better to spend our money on?

And unlike your typical pizza, this one won't be cooked, after all, that would spoil the fish. The 12-inch pie is sliced into four pieces, which comes to $250 per slice.

Anyone who buys a slice of that should be kicked in the jaw.

"Let them say I'm crazy," Manhattan restauranteur Nino Selimaj says. "But I believe in this product, and it's gonna sell!"

You're crazy.

So who's gonna buy this pie? Selimaj is betting Wall Street business types.

Like I said, people who deserved to be kicked in the jaw.

Iran denounces US movie version of Battle of Thermopylae

************Spoiler Alert For Those Who Know Jack Shit About History****************

Guys, it's just a movie. Trust me, all our movies that are "based on true events" are bullshit. Besides, we don't like you guys right now, a movie about happy Iranians isn't going to do well at the box office. You're not going to, like, declare a jihad on our entertainment are you? Trust me, you don't want to go down that route with Americans. We take our television very seriously here. Knock some buildings down, alright, after about three or four years we kind of forget about that but fuck with our television, you're going down.

A Hollywood blockbuster film, depicting the 480BC Battle of Thermopylae between the Persian army and a band of Greeks, has been condemned by Iran.

Better shut it down, those people who always chant "Death to America" during their public outings are getting upset.

The film's distributor Warner Bros. Pictures said on Sunday the movie 300 sold an estimated $US70 million worth of tickets in its first three days, setting a new record for a March release.

There might be a connection here.

Iranians are offended at the way their ancestors are portrayed in the film, inspired by the tale of 300 Spartans under King Leonidas who held out at Thermopylae against a Persian invasion led by Xerxes in 480BC. It depicts the huge Persian army as ruthless and repeatedly outsmarted by the Greeks who are only defeated in the end by treachery.

You don't like our movies? Well, I don't like the way you want to kill my nations' people.

Tehran is embroiled in a standoff with Western nations over its nuclear programme, and film fans to see the movie as a Western effort to vilify their nation through history.

If we wanted to do that, we wouldn't have to go back to fucking 480 BC.

Russia Delays Iran Nuke Plant For Lack Of Payment

So the probability that Iran wants nuclear weapons in order to cause mass destruction isn't enough to dissuade Russia from building nuclear plants for them but fuck if they're doing it for free. I think I found the root of all our problems.

Russia warned Iran Monday to expect delays in launching the country's first atomic power station, adding to mounting pressure on Tehran to compromise with the international community over its controversial nuclear programme.

And to stop bouncing checks.

Amid signs of frustration in Moscow over Iran's combative stance, state contractor Atomstroiexport announced that Iranian financial problems mean a probable set-back in completing the power station at Bushehr in southern Iran.

"We're not convinced that Iran is seeking nuclear weapons. We believe they want to use nuclear power for peaceful purposes and we owe it to our fellow human beings to supply them with the necessities for progress and better living by...what...they can't pay? Fuck 'em, shut it down!"

"Insufficient financing of the project means that there is a real delay in the timetable. The delay will probably be two months, according to experts," Atomstroiexport spokeswoman Irina Yesipova told AFP.

Can you put a nuclear plant on layaway?

Sunday Sign of Hope March 11th 2007

Kidnapped Texas Baby Reunited With Mother

From NBC San Diego:

A newborn kidnapped from a Texas hospital has been returned to her mother after being found safe in New Mexico.

The 4-day-old girl, Mychael Darthard-Dawodu, was flown back to Lubbock, Texas, hours after being found about 100 miles away in Clovis, N.M. A hospital official said the baby's parents are "relieved and happy."

Police said 21-year-old Rayshaun Parson was arrested in Clovis on suspicion of kidnapping. She was questioned Sunday by investigators from the FBI and Lubbock police. The Clovis native is being held at the Curry County Detention Center.

Lubbock and FBI investigators had interviewed her Sunday and said she also could be facing federal charges.

Mychael is in good condition, said Lubbock police Lt. Scott Hudgens.

He said that Lubbock police got a tip that a person matching the description was seen in Clovis, N.M. Police there were then contacted and they were able to locate baby Mychael.

Police had been searching for the baby since a woman who posed as a medical worker walked out of Covenant Lakeside Hospital early Saturday morning with the 5-pound baby hidden in her purse. The baby was 3 days old when she was kidnapped.

Clovis, N.M., Police Chief Dan Blair said officers received a tip and found the infant in a Clovis home. Police found the suspect pulling up in a vehicle at her home in Clovis after dropping the baby off at another home for someone else to baby-sit, Blair said. He said the woman who was arrested looks "very much" like the woman seen in surveillance video from the hospital.

U.S., Iran trade barbs in direct talks

Your mother is so fat...

In their first direct talks since the Iraq war began, U.S. and Iranian envoys traded harsh words and blamed each other for the country's crisis Saturday at a one-day international conference that some hoped would help end their 27-year diplomatic freeze.

Guys, guys, guys, let's just be sensible and admit it's both our faults. Or we can pin it on Canada.

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki opened the conference with an appeal for all participants to help ease his country's plight and prevent the violent conflict here from spilling over into the entire Middle East.

"Please for the love of God help us!"
So while the leader of a country begs for help we bicker. I've seen more maturity in kindergarten classes.

During the talks, U.S. envoy David Satterfield pointed to his briefcase which he said contained documents proving Iran was arming Shiite Muslim militias in Iraq.

"But you can't seem 'em cause they're invisible."

"Your accusations are merely a cover for your failures in Iraq," Iran's chief envoy Abbas Araghchi shot back.

"And you have a fat neck too!"

Snatched Britons are 'alive and well'

That's good news. I like good news.

Hopes for the safety of British embassy staff kidnapped in Ethiopia 10 days ago soared last night with reports they were "alive and well".

Rejoice!

The group -- three British men, a British-Italian woman and a Frenchwoman -- were said to be held over the border from Ethiopia in neighbouring Eritrea.

Wait, they're still being held? Hold that rejoicing. That's not great news but at least its not bad news.

While it was still unclear exactly who was holding them, Ethiopian Foreign Minister Seyoum Mesfin said his government was in contact with the kidnappers and had been assured that the group were all well. He told the Daily Mail: "We know that they are alive and well. We are doing everything possible to get them back.

I wouldn't call being held by kidnappers "being well" but at least they're alive.

"We know the general area they are in and there is communication with the group that have them. I can confirm that as of yesterday evening they are safe and secure. They are in a good condition."

Aside from the whole kidnapping thing.

AIDS Vaccine Nearing Reality at Emory

Well that's good news to everyone not dying of the disease already.

The world could have a new vaccine designed to kill the AIDS virus in as little as three to four years according to an Atlanta-based group working on the vaccine.

And as long as never.

It is a scientific advance that could save tens of millions of lives, and it is being developed on the campus of Emory University.

Finally, we can sleep with multiple sex partners without fear of consequence. And don't get me started on sharing needles for heroin use. What a money-saver!

The work has been going on quietly for the last 15 years. But now it appears headed for the bell lap in the race to prevent the disease.

Prostitutes are on me if this works!

Bush Hails Biofuels Pact in Brazil

He's in Brazil?

At a mega fuel depot for tanker trucks, President Bush heralded a new ethanol agreement with Brazil Friday as way to boost alternative fuels production across the Americas.

There's a war in Iraq, a war in Afghanistan, Osama bin Laden and his happy-little al-qaeda elves are still on the loose and he's hanging out at Brazilian truck stops. Wonderful.

Demonstrators upset with Bush's visit here worry that the president and his biofuels buddy, Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, really have visions of an OPEC- like cartel on ethanol.

Mr. Bush, haven't you fucked up enough countries now? Leave South America alone please.

But Bush and Silva said increasing alternative fuel use will lead to more jobs, a cleaner environment and greater independence from the whims of the oil market. In Brazil, nearly eight in 10 new cars already run on fuel made from sugar cane.

Sugar cane cars. Neat. I always enjoy getting statistics that show how really far behind the rest of the world we are.

"It makes sense for us to collaborate for the sake of mankind," Bush said at Silva's side, after touring the depot.

Sake of mankind? Mr. President, honestly, have you ever really worried about the sake of mankind?

At the fuel depot, Bush, sporting a white hard hat, fingered sunflower seeds and stalks of sugar cane and sniffed beakers of yellowish biodiesel and clear ethanol.

Like a child at the fucking Touch Museum.

Prison threat for pensioner who put sand back on beach

Isn't there better things we should be concerning ourselves with?

A pensioner has been threatened with prison or a £50,000 fine if he takes windblown sand back to the beach where it came from.

If Mother Nature wants her sand on your driveway, then damnit she'll have her sand on your driveway. Don't mess with the balance man.

Arthur Bulmer’s seafront garden became carpeted after a week of storms swept tons of sand from the beach across the road.

Putting sand back on the beach. Really, I mean, what are you thinking? Pyscho.

It seemed like common sense to shovel it into his wheelbarrow and take it back, load by load, to its rightful place.

Common sense has no place in this world of ours.

But the local council did not share Mr Bulmer's idea of logic. Doing that, they told him, would class as fly-tipping, for which the maximum penalty is a £50,000 fine or six months in jail. Oh, and he would also have his wheelbarrow confiscated.

A local council didn't share the publics view of logic. Well surprise, surprise. Oh, and I could deal with the 50,000 fine and the six months incarceration, but taking the guys wheelbarrow. That's cruel and unusally punishment. How else is he supposed to cart all the bullshit you're laying on him? Oh, and what the fuck is fly-tipping and why is it illegal?

Dumping "anything" on to the beach from a private garden constituted flytipping, he said, and was a contravention of the Clean Neighbourhoods and Environment Act. "It is a case of where do you draw the line."

It's fucking sand. I mean, how can...what the...you can't be...oh forget it.

Israel unveils portable hunter-killer robot

Have you seen the movie The Terminator? The one where Arnold Schwarzenegger is a cyborg sent back to the past to destroy the mother of the future human resistance movment against killer robots? If you haven't seen it, you may want to, it will better prepare you for the inevitable.

An Israeli defense firm on Thursday unveiled a portable robot billed as being capable of entering most combat zones alone and engaging enemies with an onboard armory that includes a machine-pistol and grenades.

"Run, it's Robby the Muslim-hating robot!"

The VIPeR, roughly the size of a small television, was invented as part of Israel's efforts to develop weaponry that could reduce the risks to its forces from hand-to-hand fighting against Palestinian or Lebanese Hezbollah guerrillas.

Who fights hand-to-hand anymore? That's what missiles are for.

The manufacturer, Elbit Systems Ltd., said that the VIPeR's small size and dual treads enable it to move "undeterred by stairs, rubble, dark alleys, caves or narrow tunnels".

Although a strong gust of wind may tip it over on its side rendering it powerless.

As well as bomb-sniffing and bomb disposal equipment, the VIPeR can carry an Uzi machine-pistol or plant a grenade. The weapons would be aimed using an onboard video camera.

Wars are now going to be fought with little war-bots. Seriously, why not have it that when two nations have a beef with each other we just play Pong or some shit. I hate this planet. Just don't come crying to me when your little roller-killing-robots figure out the world will be a better place without us.

Taliban leader caught in a burqa

The Taliban are cross-dressing. These so-called lions of Islam sure do resort to some fancy ways to evade REAL soldiers.

A senior Taliban commander has been captured by Afghan troops in the southern province of Kandahar as he tried to escape a Nato manhunt disguised as a woman in a burqa.

So how does he plan to explain this to all his friends in Guantanamo?

The man was identified by Nato on Wednesday as Mullah Mahmood and described as an "extremist commander and suicide attack facilitator" for the province.

And now a fairy.

Former Dick Cheney Aide 'Scooter' Libby Found Guilty In CIA Leak Case

Of all the corruption and illegal activities going down behind closed doors in Washington, this guy gets to go to jail. Talk about bad fucking luck.

After 10 days of deliberations in one of the most closely watched Washington trials in recent memory, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby Jr. was found guilty of lying to FBI agents and grand jurors about how he learned the identity of former CIA operative Valerie Plame.

If lying is a crime we're going to need bigger jails, especially around the Washington DC area.

In a verdict that experts said would very likely bring Libby prison time, the former chief of staff for Vice President Dick Cheney was convicted on a felony count of obstruction of justice, two counts of perjury and one of giving false statements to the FBI.

You're a lying liar, pants on fire. Wait, didn't the Vice President shoot someone in the face and then wait to report it?

He was found not guilty of another count of making false statements.

It's like my mother always told me. You tell one lie and then it snowballs and you have to tell another and another until BAM, you're indicted by a grand jury.

Libby was fingerprinted, photographed and released on his own recognizance following the reading of the verdict, during which he blinked "emphatically" and showed little emotion, according to a CNN report.

He blinked "emphatically"? How does one blink emphatically? That's the stupidest thing I've heard since about ten minutes ago. I was watching CNN.

CIA Rushing Resources to Bin Laden Hunt

Could the hunt for Osama bin Laden soon end? I sure as shit hope so.

Armed with fresh intelligence, the CIA is moving additional man power and equipment into Pakistan in the effort to find Osama bin Laden and his deputy Ayman al Zawahri, U.S. officials tell ABC News.

Almost six years after Sept. 11th I would just fucking love to report on the capture or killing of EITHER bin Laden or Zawahiri.

"Reports that the trail has gone stone cold are not correct," said one U.S. official. "We are very much increasing our efforts there," the official said.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Sunday Sign of Hope March 4th 2007

Taliban concede capture of Obaidullah, at last

From The News:

Though the Taliban initially denied the arrest of their former defence minister Mulla Obaidullah Akhund in Quetta, one of their important military commanders and a few other officials are now reluctantly admitting that the news of his capture appears to be true.

Requesting anonymity, the Taliban military commander told 'The News' that he was now 80 per cent convinced that Mulla Obaidullah has indeed been arrested. Speaking from an unknown location, he said he was earlier unable and unwilling to believe that one of their top military leaders has been netted.

"One indication that the reports of his arrest are true is the fact that most of our military commanders and spokesmen have turned off their satellite phones. This has happened in the past also whenever someone important among the Taliban was captured," he explained.

This Taliban commander has proved reliable in the past. He had confirmed the death of top Taliban military commander Mulla Akhtar Mohammad Usmani in a US and Nato airstrike in Helmand province in December last year at a time when Taliban spokesmen were vehemently denying the claim by Western forces about the target killing of one of the most wanted men in Afghanistan. Subsequently, the Taliban reluctantly confirmed Usmani's death.

Talking to 'The News', certain low-ranking Taliban officials said they are gradually coming around to believe the news about Mulla Obaidullah's arrest. "There is gloom in our ranks. Our Taliban comrades everywhere are sad. It would take some time to overcome the shock of the arrest," a Taliban official remarked.

Iran president meets Saudi to discuss Mideast issues

"Fucked up out there."
"Sure is."

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran met with King Abdullah here in the Saudi capital on Saturday to address the Middle East's growing sectarian and political crises.

Sure everyone's surprised when you add more and more water to the pot and it finally boils over. What's that mean? Not sure. I just love those "boiling over" metaphors.

Ahmadinejad, who arrived in Riyadh in the afternoon, was greeted at the airport by King Abdullah, a rare honor from the aging monarch, and talks began shortly afterward, the official Saudi Press Agency reported.

You think he held one of those signs that said "Mr. Ahmadinejad"?

Later, he was the guest of honor at a state dinner put on by the king and attended by top Saudi officials and dignitaries, and he held further meetings with the king.

Jeez, did they bathe him too? I'm usually happy if someone just says hello.

Without elaboration, Prince Saud al-Faisal, the Saudi foreign minister, told Reuters, "The two parties have agreed to stop any attempt aimed at spreading sectarian strife in the region."

Well in order to stop something, that means you had to start it. Did you guys start attempting to spread sectarian strife in the region? Well did you?

Army Secretary Resigns in Scandal's Wake

Another scandal? Oh come on people.

Army Secretary Francis J. Harvey abruptly stepped down Friday as the Bush administration struggled to cope with the fallout from a scandal over substandard conditions for wounded Iraq soldiers at Walter Reed Army Medical Center.

Can I slap somebody? I really, really want to slap somebody.

The surprise move came one day after Harvey fired the two-star general in charge of the medical center in response to disclosures of problems at the hospital compound.

How about those two generals. Can I slap them?

Defense Secretary Robert Gates said Harvey had resigned. But senior defense officials speaking on condition of anonymity said Gates had asked Harvey to leave.

Oh, a Defense Secretary. How about him? Can I slap him?

"I am disappointed that some in the Army have not adequately appreciated the seriousness of the situation pertaining to outpatient care at Walter Reed," Gates said in the Pentagon briefing room. He took no questions from reporters.

You're disappointed? How do you think we, the American public feel? Not only is the Iraq war just getting worse and worse, but now we find out your not treating our wounded soldiers how they should be treated, like the country's finest. And on top of all of that, no one's going to let me slap somebody.

Total Lunar Eclipse Expected Saturday

Even the moon doesn't want to look at us anymore.

The moon will turn shades of amber and crimson Saturday night as it passes behind the Earth's shadow in the first total lunar eclipse in three years.

For those of us that are sophisticated, Saturday night you can witness the sight of a lunar eclipse, which is a magnificent display of the intrique workings of our universe. To everyone else, the moon is going to disappear on Saturday.

John McCain Says U.S. Lives 'Wasted' in Iraq

Oh I'm not touching that one.

Republican presidential contender John McCain, a staunch backer of the Iraq war but critic of how President Bush has waged it, said U.S. lives had been "wasted" in the four-year-old conflict. Democrats demand the Arizona senator apologize for the comment as Sen. Barack Obama did when the Democratic White House hopeful recently made the same observation.

The war is unpopular but I like to think that a soldier dying in the line of his duty is never a life wasted. That being said, is it possible that lives are wasted during the course of a war? Yes, that is possible. It all depends on the outcome.

"Americans are very frustrated, and they have every right to be," McCain said Wednesday on CBS'"Late Show With David Letterman.""We've wasted a lot of our most precious treasure, which is American lives."

This is really a tough topic. I really can't find a way to spin this to make it funny because it just isn't. I'd like to think that the soldiers, American and other nations as well, have the support of the country's they fight for. Unfortunately that hasn't happened since WWII. Our enemy in Iraq, in Afghanistan, have more support from their people than our soldiers have from us. It's sad. Politics are sad.

McCain, who repeated his assertion that U.S. troops must remain in Iraq rather than withdrawing early, made the "wasted" remark after confirming to Letterman what has been clear for at least a year or more — that he's in the running for the 2008 Republican nomination.

This comment is going to bite him on the ass. The media won't let this one go. Watch.