Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Man bitten after putting rattlesnake in his mouth

From the "What the fuck did you think was going to happen?" section of your local paper.

Snake collector Matt Wilkinson of Portland, Oregon grabbed a 20-inch rattler from the highway near Maupin, and three weeks later, to impress his ex-girlfriend, he stuck the serpent in his mouth.

I stop trying to impress women when it comes to handling deadly animals. See, if my girlfriend walked into the room with a glass cage containing a venomous rattlesnake and said, "If you love me you'll put this in your mouth" (God, if I had a nickel for how many times I'VE said that) you know what I'd be doing that night? That's right. Filling out restraining order papers.

He was soon near death with a swollen tongue that blocked his throat. Trauma doctors at the Oregon Health and Science University saved his life.

Way to go there Matty. You're lucky you're still alive. Now you have years and years to reflect on what you did wrong.But then again, love makes you do weird things I guess.

"You can assume alcohol was involved," he said.

Sometimes love needs help making you do stupid shit.

Actually, not just beer. It was something he called a "mixture of stupid stuff."

Yeah, alcohol, an ex-girlfriend, a rattlesnake and your tiny, tiny voice of reason.

It happened at a barbecue with friends.

You need new friends Matt. Like my mother always said, "True friends won't let you stick a venomous snake in your mouth." Seriously though, if I'm at a barbecue and one of my drunk friends decides, hey, now's a good time to take the poisonous animal out of its cage, I'm knocking someone the fuck out.

Wilkinson, 23, had downed a six-pack and his ex-girlfriend asked him for a beer. He handed her one, not realizing the snake was also in his hand.

Actually, that's borderline attempted murder.

"She said, 'Get that thing out of my face,"' Wilkinson said.

Yeah, I've heard that before.

"I told her it was a nice snake. 'Nothing can happen. Watch."

But something did happen, didn't it Matt?

So he stuck the snake in his mouth. "It got a hold of my tongue," he said.

This is why it's so important to stay in school kids.

He was having breathing problems when his ex-girlfriend drove him to the hospital. "She was the only one sober," Wilkinson said.

And apparently the only one capable of rational thought. Girl, hang with a different crowd.

Wilkinson, who works in construction, has yet to return to work. His three Western diamondback rattlers have been removed from his home.

He should be forced to wear a helmet at all times.

He says co-workers have been pretty blunt. "They were like, 'What the heck were you thinking?"' Wilkinson said. The answer? "It's my own stupidity."

That it was Matt. That it was.


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