Russian Leader Urges Steps to Lift Birthrate

Could you people please start fucking each other?

President Vladimir V. Putin today directed the Russian Parliament to adopt a 10-year program to stop Russia's sharply declining population, principally by offering financial incentives and subsidies to encourage Russian women to have more children.

Free cookies to those of you who throw out the condoms. Seriously though, it's cold in Russia. No one likes their children playing in the snow 365 days a year. Maybe we should build Russia some indoor playgrounds. Or maybe if people weren't starving there. It's hard to raise children when you're starving. Tend to eat them.

Mr. Putin's instructions, issued to a compliant Parliament that follows his orders almost without fail, formed the center of his annual address, and signaled a new Kremlin priority to confront a problem that demographers and scholars have warned endangers the long-term future of the Russian state.

Without fail huh? Oh man, if I were Putin I'd make them wear cowboy hats and tu-tus. Now that's compliance.
So let me get this straight. Russia has a crisis brewing cause no one is having babies there? Well...stop mailing us all your good-looking women.