Ready or Not, Bird Flu Is Coming to America

Should I buy a gun?

In a remarkable speech over the weekend, Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt recommended that Americans start storing canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds as the prospect of a deadly bird flu outbreak approaches the United States.

Okay, just out of fucking curiousity, why canned tuna and powdered milk? Why not canned peas and bottled water? I don't like tuna. And don't you have to add water to powder milk anyway?
It is being spread much faster than first predicted from one wild flock of birds to another, an airborne delivery system that no government can stop.

Damn birds, always trying to kill us.

"There's no way you can protect the United States by building a big cage around it and preventing wild birds from flying in and out," U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Michael Johanns said.

Well thanks for thinking realistically Mike. Anyone else want to open their mouths and remove all doubt that they are not qualified to be quoted in a newspaper? Anyone?

U.S. spy satellites are tracking the infected flocks, which started in Asia and are now heading north to Siberia and Alaska, where they will soon mingle with flocks from the North American flyways.

Hear that al-Qaeda? We're using the satellites for bird-watching. Just want to make sure you heard that.

It is the droppings of infected waterfowl that carry the virus.

Alright guys, try not to consume bird shit and you'll be okay. It'll be tough, we all love our bird shit breakfast but sacrifices must be made.