Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Ready or Not, Bird Flu Is Coming to America

Should I buy a gun?

In a remarkable speech over the weekend, Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt recommended that Americans start storing canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds as the prospect of a deadly bird flu outbreak approaches the United States.

Okay, just out of fucking curiousity, why canned tuna and powdered milk? Why not canned peas and bottled water? I don't like tuna. And don't you have to add water to powder milk anyway?
It is being spread much faster than first predicted from one wild flock of birds to another, an airborne delivery system that no government can stop.

Damn birds, always trying to kill us.

"There's no way you can protect the United States by building a big cage around it and preventing wild birds from flying in and out," U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Michael Johanns said.

Well thanks for thinking realistically Mike. Anyone else want to open their mouths and remove all doubt that they are not qualified to be quoted in a newspaper? Anyone?

U.S. spy satellites are tracking the infected flocks, which started in Asia and are now heading north to Siberia and Alaska, where they will soon mingle with flocks from the North American flyways.

Hear that al-Qaeda? We're using the satellites for bird-watching. Just want to make sure you heard that.

It is the droppings of infected waterfowl that carry the virus.

Alright guys, try not to consume bird shit and you'll be okay. It'll be tough, we all love our bird shit breakfast but sacrifices must be made.


Blogger f.b.i.t.c. said...

Reminds me of a joke I heard about a Tiger, a Lion and a Chicken.

The Tiger was boasting about how feirce he was. "When I growl" he said, "all of India quakes at the knees".

The Lion, not to be outdone said "Well when I roar, all of Africa bows before me".

They both turn smugly to the chicken, who says "Well when I sneeze, the WHOLE WORLD shits it's self!!"

More than a grain of truth in that one.

March 14, 2006 4:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He must be in the Chicken Little branch of the government better known as Homeland Security...They spend their whole day scarring the shit out of everyone...telling us what's going to happen instead of doing something about it.

March 14, 2006 10:30 AM  

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