Happy Halloween

For those of us that celebrate the interesting holiday that is Halloween, today marks the dentist nightmare, the last day of October, the one day of the year that we trust complete strangers to give us something to eat.

Forgetting things like diabetes, today is really the day that children earn their keep and supply mom and dad, or just dad, or just mom, or mom and mom or whichever parental combination they've been born into, which as much candy as humanly possible. We spend the rest of the year teaching children not to take candy from strangers and then, on Halloween night, we make it up for them by sending them out with the sole purpose of doing only that for the entire night.

Announced by a national game of dress up, tonight is the night you CAN tell a book by it's cover. You know that little boy who decided to dress up like Britney Spears tonight, I can guarentee you there will be a closet and a "coming out" party someday in the future for you. Vampire? Pre-goth issues. Better prepare for the white make-up and the black clothes throughout high school. Cowboy? School shooting possiblity. Watch them. Spiderman, Superman? Ego-maniac.

So, for you that celebrate tonights holiday, enjoy the candy. Give someone a good scare. Tonight's the only night that you're allowed to run at someone with an axe while wearing a hockey mask and you'll actually get away with it. Enjoy.

Russia says believes Iran's nuke program peaceful

After all. what would lead anyone to believe that a middle eastern country is not stable enough to possess the power to destroy another country? Iran sure hasn't shown any hostilities towards anyone right?

Russia said on Tuesday it believed Iran's nuclear program was peaceful, and a political dialogue, not sanctions, must be used in talks with Tehran.

Russia also believes that one day, in the near future, it will rain marshmellows.

"We do not have information that would suggest that Iran is carrying out a non-peaceful (nuclear) program," Russian Security Council Secretary Igor Ivanov told a news conference in Moscow.

How about that whole "destruction of Israel" talk that they constantly engage in? That doesn't sound very peaceful to me.

North Korea agrees to resume talks

Now they want to talk?

Under pressure from China, North Korea agreed to return to disarmament negotiations over its nuclear program. The announcement Tuesday eased tensions that had escalated after the North's first nuclear weapons test three weeks ago.

There's a sense of stability in the fact that there's never much progress with North Korea isn't there? No matter how fucked the way of the world gets, at least there's the constant comfort in knowing that the North Korea nuclear weapon situation will always be that one issue that will never, ever fucking go away.

"I am pleased and I want to thank the Chinese," President Bush said. Bush acknowledged that new talks don't guarantee success.

Good thing the US President is always there to remind us that failure is never far away.

No marriage without consent in Somalia

"May I have the honor of ruining both mine and your daughter's life?"

Islamic leaders on Monday banned Somalis from marrying without the consent or knowledge of their parents, saying such unions violate Islam.

Islam takes away everything, can't even...well, actually, this one ain't so bad. So you have to ask permission first. No big deal. But what is a big deal is that this usually leads to the banning of other personal freedoms like listening to music, dancing, free speech and the right not to be beheaded at halftime during the football match.

The group also has banned live music, the viewing of films and sports, and the use of qat, the leafy semi-narcotic plant, in areas it controls.

See.

Mohamedek Ali, a 21-year-old Somali, said the costs were prohibitive and would prevent many marriages. "They cannot ban what our forefathers practiced," he said. "All of us, including the mullahs were born from elopement marriage."

My forefathers owned black people. Some practices and traditions need to go sometimes.

Helicopter gunships kill 80 at religious school

Teach you to try and learn!

PAKISTANI helicopter gunships destroyed an Islamic school allegedly used as an al-Qaeda-linked training camp near the Afghanistan border, killing up to 80 suspected militants.

And that concludes the lesson of how to avoid airstrikes. Well, looks like some of you will not be recieving a passing grade.

Local leaders, however, insisted most of the dead were teenage students, many of whom were “reduced to bits and pieces”, and protests erupted against the Pakistani Government and its ally the US.

If "most" of the dead were teenage students, one can conclude that "some" of the dead were al-qaeda which leads to the question, "why are al-qaeda militants in the religious schools?" which also leads to "what are you teaching there?" Common sense here people. Sure the Pakistani's will be angry, they're only happy when they're angry. But I have the sense that some good was done here today. Or at least, we caused an early winter break.

A local Taliban commander known as Maulvi Liaqat, who ran the madrassa and was wanted by the authorities for sheltering insurgents, was among the dead, a senior security official and witnesses said.

If I were in school and wanted terrorists were in the classroom and I knew there were a few country's that were willing to bomb the shit out of anywhere these terrorists might be, I pull the ol' fake stomach ache manuever and go home.

From ABC News
UPDATE:

Zawahiri Was Target in U.S. Attack on Religious School in Pakistan

Ayman al Zawahiri was the target of a Predator missile attack this morning on a religious school in Pakistan, according to Pakistani intelligence sources.

ABC News has learned the raid was launched after U.S. intelligence received tips and examined Predator reconnaissance indicating that al Qaeda's No. 2 man may have been staying at the school, which is located in the Bajaur region near the village that is thought to be al Qaeda's winter headquarters.

Despite earlier reports that the missiles had been launched by Pakistani military helicopters, Pakistani intelligence sources now tell ABC News that the missiles were fired from a U.S. Predator drone plane.

Between two and five senior al Qaeda militants were killed in the attack, including the mastermind of the airliners plot in the U.K., according to Pakistani intelligence sources.

No word yet on whether or not Zawahiri was killed in the raid, but one Pakistani intelligence source did express doubt that Zawahiri would have been staying in a madrassa, which is an obvious target for strikes against militants. That source, however, did express confidence that Pakistani intelligence is closing in on Zawahiri's location.

One of the clerics who is believed to have been killed today, Maulana Liaquat, was one of the two main local leaders believed to be protecting Zawahiri.

Pakistani intelligence sources tell ABC News they believe they have "boxed" Zawahiri in a 40-square-mile area between the Khalozai Valley in Bajaur and the village of Pashat in Kunar, Afghanistan. They hope to capture or kill him in the next few months.

Global Warming Could Devastate World Economy

That's okay. We probably won't live through it anyway.

Unchecked global warming will devastate the world economy on the scale of the world wars and the Great Depression, a British government report said Monday.

Why don't we have a world war instead? Those are more fun.

Britain hired former Vice President Al Gore, who has emerged as a powerful environmental spokesman since his defeat in the 2000 presidential election, to advise the government on climate change.

Forget scienctists who've been studying in the field for decades. When it comes to climate change and the evolving threat of global warming only one man comes to mind. Al Gore?

Blair, President Bush's top ally in the Iraq war, said unabated climate change would eventually cost the world between 5 percent and 20 percent of global gross domestic product each year. He called for "bold and decisive action" to cut carbon emissions and stem the worst of the temperature rise.

Can't tell a story about gobal warming without throwing the Iraq war in there somewhere. I mean, come on, can't sell papers on just the notion that the earths climate may make the world unihabitable for us which would leave us two options, space and the sea, and since we don't have gills and my car won't make the moon on one tank of gas, we're ultimately more screwed than Jenna Jameson trying to take on a serious movie role. We need to remind people that while, yes, we're ultimately not only physical doomed but finicially fucked, Iraq's not going as well either.

"It is not in doubt that, if the science is right, the consequences for our planet are literally disastrous," he said. "This disaster is not set to happen in some science fiction future many years ahead, but in our lifetime."

Oh good. I have something to look forward to then.

Sunday Sign of Hope October 29th 2006

Congo Votes, Peacefully

This day and age, any voting done peacefully is a cause to celebrate.

From Washingtonpost.com:

With the border closed, shops shuttered and markets emptied, millions of Congolese, with hopes as vast as their country, headed to polls Sunday to elect a president for the first time in more than 40 years.

Voting was largely peaceful, despite analysts' predictions that it would not be, as the largest U.N. peacekeeping force in the world patrolled dirt roads, and swarms of international and local observers looked on. In the west, where rain drenched the capital, Kinshasa, observers reported a slightly lower urnout than in the first round in July, but participation nonetheless appeared massive

In the east, for instance, where rural villages have been terrorized by war and militias and, lately, hungry soldiers with guns, some polling stations estimated that 70 percent to 80 percent of registered voters had cast ballots by Sunday afternoon. In the provincial capital of Goma, where electricity and pavement are scarce, people began lining up at 4 a.m.

Nato apology over Afghan deaths

Our bad.

A top Nato commander has apologised for the deaths of Afghan civilians in an air raid on Tuesday.

There are some things that a "sorry" just doesn't clear. This is one of them. While I'm not sure NATO is solely to blame for this ( Taliban insurgents and fighters crossing into Afghanistan from Pakistan should be sending a card as well) saying you're sorry for the death of innocents is like spitting on a wildfire. It just doesn't cut it.

General James Jones said Taleban insurgents were to blame for using the villagers as cover.

Put the blame where it goes. The Taliban, al-qaeda, and Islamic fanatics in general know just how to play the media game. They could care less about the death of non-combatants but they know the Western public sure does. They hide amongst civilians, putting innocents including women and children at risk, and cry foul when a bomb meant for Taliban commander Jones kills a bunch of civilians. We fall for it, and until we start calling on them to take responsiblity for their actions, they will continue to play that game.

Iran Doubles Nuke Enrichment Capacity

Guess that's bad. I don't know anymore.

Iran has doubled its capacity to enrich uranium by successfully executing the process with a second network of centrifuges, a semiofficial news agency reported Friday, sending a defiant new message to the U.N. Security Council.

Centrifuges huh. I take it they are used in making nuclear stuff. Am I supposed to be alarmed here?

Council members are working on a draft resolution that would impose limited sanctions on the Islamic republic because of its refusal to cease enrichment, a process that can produce fuel for a civilian nuclear reactor or fissile material for a warhead.

Still working on it ain't you. Well don't give up there guys. The average lifespan of the human species is around 70 years so, yea, I'm somewhat confident I'll see something happen at some point with this whole Iran deal.

The Iranian Students News Agency quoted an anonymous official as saying Iran has successfully begun injecting gas into a second network of centrifuges.

This is weird. I've actually found a headline in which I can't make fun of. It's basically because I have no idea how to feel about it because I have no fucking clue what they're talking about. I'm going to have some cookies.

Paris riots anniversary sparks fresh violence

There's no better way to celebrate the anniversay of rioting than with more rioting.

Two more buses were set ablaze in the suburbs of Paris last night as tension continues to mount ahead of tomorrow's anniversary of last year's riots.

And yet, the French will critcize the progress of the War on Terror. I'm not condoning the actions of my government cause frankly I don't agree with a lot of the things they are doing but, hey, let's make a rule here. You can't criticize another country's actions until yours stops burning.

The first incident saw between six and ten masked vandals board a bus in the western suburb of Nanterre before spraying the inside with gasoline and setting it alight.

Busdrivers may need more training. Page three of the busdriving handbook, "Don't stop the bus for masked people".

Australian Muslim leader compares uncovered women to exposed meat

Oh my, you're not eating them now are you?

A senior Muslim cleric in Australia has sparked a furore by comparing women who do not wear a headscarf to "uncovered meat", implying that they invited sexual assault.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is all it takes to ensure that you never, ever have sex again.
Sheik Taj Aldin al-Hilali delivered his comments in a religious address on adultery to around 500 worshippers in Sydney last month, but they only came to the attention of the wider public when they were published in the Australian paper today.

You just can't tell 500 people anything anymore. They tell 500 people and then they tell 500 people and before you know it, BAM, it's in the newspaper, on TV, on the internet and you have to go and explain yourself.

Sheik Hilali was quoted as saying: "If you take out uncovered meat and place it outside ... without cover, and the cats come to eat it ... whose fault is it, the cats' or the uncovered meat's? The uncovered meat is the problem. If she was in her room, in her home, in her hijab [the headdress worn by some Muslim women], no problem would have occurred."

Sure, you can lock someone in a room for fifty years and chances are nothing will ever happen to them. Problem is, NOTHING will ever happen to them, bad or good. This world may be crazy, twisted, demented and downright fucking dangerous. You may have religious fanatics blowing things up, crooked politicians running governments into the ground at the suffering of their people for thier own personal gain, corporations driving people into an early grave without any real compensation. You may have random violent crimes being committed, school shootings, murders of passion or boredom, poisonous pollution and the globe heating up. Weather poised to wipe us all into the oceans but...well...shit, maybe we should stay inside.

The Egyptian-born cleric, the mufti of Sydney's biggest mosque, today sought to defuse the outrage his comments had sparked, including among fellow Muslims.

"I was only kidding. Um...praise Allah?"
Sheik Hilali said in a statement he was shocked by reaction to his sermon.

Shocked? Really? In my experience comparing a woman to a piece of meat usually ends badly. They tend to take that negatively.
"I would like to unequivocally confirm that the presentation related to religious teachings on modesty and not to go to extremes in enticements. This does not condone rape. I condemn rape," he said.

Well that's good.

"Women in our Australian society have the freedom and right to dress as they choose; the duty of man is to avert his glance or walk away."

What?

Black cloud threatens Egyptians' health

Yeah, I'm guessing black clouds are bad.

For the seventh year running, a mysterious black cloud has appeared over Cairo, triggering serious health concerns for the polluted city's 16 million residents.

Fucking aresol cans.

Emissions of nitrogen dioxide, which cause serious health risks above certain levels, have reached record heights in the city, from the banks of the Nile, past the industrial suburbs of the delta and even in the desert areas.

So what emits nitrogen dioxide? Camels?

The World Health Organisation (WHO) has warned that presence of more than 200 mg of nitrogen dioxide in the air is a great health risk. But in Egypt, the levels have reached as high as 305 mg in the Cairo district of Qolali and 482 mg in Giza.

When it comes to the health and safety of the Egyptian people, WHO cares. Sorry, couldn't resist writing that.

Cairo has one of the highest rates of pollution, ten times higher than global indicators defined by the WHO in October, making it one of the most polluted cities in the world together with Karachi, New Delhi, Beijing, Kathmandu and Lima.

And a big collective sigh of relief for all of us who don't live in those cities.

As in previous years, the authorities have admitted not knowing the exact causes of the black cloud, and have offered a variety of possible causes including the city's unbridled traffic, the burning of rubbish or of rice hay in the rural areas of the Nile Delta.

Maybe it's a sign from God that...well...maybe he was never fond of the white clouds.

The air is also contaminated by the burning of some 12,000 tonnes of domestic waste, as well as of the mountains of litter dumped in open fields in the suburbs.

The problem is people. IT'S PEOPLE!!

Iraqi PM says ready to tackle militias

Oh, you're ready now?

Iraq's prime minister pledged on Wednesday to crack down on illegal militias after coming under pressure from Washington to curb violence, but he insisted the government was not working to deadlines imposed from outside.

I'll admit it must be hard to offer a timeline in curbing violence. Shit, we here in America have been at it for a long, long time and violence just seems to get worse. I'm not comparing the violence in America to the violence in Iraq mainly because the people here in the US are way too lazy to ever cause that much chaos. For most of us here, we need the stability, however little it truly is, because we can't handle chaos. Unless it's on TV.

In a sign of challenges Iraqi leaders face in achieving "benchmarks" agreed with an impatient U.S. administration before mid-term elections next month, Nuri al-Maliki was the object of fresh anger after an overnight raid by U.S. and Iraqi forces killed at least four people in a Shi'ite stronghold in Baghdad.

I'm interested to see exactly how the American people will vote with this upcoming election. American votes are tricky to perdict. Most of the sensible people stay home on election day simply because they are smart enough to realize choosing between cow shit and horse shit is pointless. In the end, it's all shit.

Roaming Men With Shotgun Attacking Walkers On Streets

Complete anarchy? Not just yet. Need fire.

Authorities in Orange County, Fla., are searching for a group of men armed with at least one shotgun targeting people walking on streets, according to Local 6 News.

So now walking around is an offense punishable by death? People have too much time on their hands.

Investigators said three men are behind at least five robberies, with the first attack happening at the Camellia Pointe apartments located off Curry Ford Road at about 9 p.m. Monday night.

You'd think three men walking around the streets with a shotgun would be easy to spot, for both police and people out for a stroll. That's usually a good sign to turn and go the other way.

Report finds sex always on men's minds

Did we really need a study for this?

Researchers at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University say most men are always thinking of sex.

Well I wouldn't say we're ALWAYS thinking of sex. Like, sometimes when I'm hungry I think "I'd like to eat something. Then I'd have more energy for sex."

A study released Tuesday in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Scientists found 54 percent of men and 19 percent of women admit they think about sex every day -- or several times a day -- in a society where they are bombarded with subconscious erotic images.

Women lie.

Scientists at the University of Minnesota found sexy subliminal images competed for attention in the brain even when the images were not right before a subject's eyes and most people are not consciously aware of them, ABC News reported.

I can't do this story anymore. It's making me think about sex.

Former Enron CEO Sentenced To 24 Years

Yeah, at a golf club.

Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling was sentenced this afternoon to 24 years and four months in prison for his role in one of the biggest corporate scandals in U.S. history.

How about, instead of jail time for this guy, we gather all the middle class working folk who suffered finicial loss because of this Enron scandal and they get to kick him hard in the groin a few times each. That would be funny.

Skilling and ex-boss Kenneth Lay were convicted last summer in the accounting tricks and shady dealings that led to the company's failure. But Lay died and his convictions were set aside last week.

Until his condition improves I guess.

Enron employee called Skilling "a liar, a thief and a drunk" who flaunted "an attitude above the law." But a former Enron employee who said she had lost thousands in Enron stock and benefits said she blamed herself for failing to diversify.

Big business. What can you say about it that hasn't already been said about pure evil? No one wins with big business, you only delay the inevitable collapse of your own security and stability with a paycheck that never reflects the time and effort you exhibit in your day to day labor. Putting these people in prison is fitting I guess, even though they stole much more than money. They stole the trust from the people who worked for them, their finicial security, their pride and their futures. All in the name of a few extra dollars that they didn't really need. My advice? Work at Burger King. With the appetite and rampant gluttony of the American people, you'll never have a more secure job.

Sunday Sign of Hope October 22nd 2006

Civilian gets bounty for arrest of Abu Sayyaf kidnapper

from Sun:

SOUTHERN Philippines military officials rewarded a civilian informant with P150,000 for helping soldiers capture an Abu Sayyaf militant implicated in the kidnapping of three US citizens five years ago.

Philippine Army Brigadier General Francisco Callero handed the money to the mask-wearing informant inside the tightly guarded Western Mindanao Command headquarters in Zamboanga City.

"This reward is part of the government program to encourage civilians to help us in the campaign against terrorism," he said.

The informant, wearing a sweatshirt and a pair of dark sunglasses, did not speak to reporters after receiving the money and was whisked away by soldiers. Callelero said the man led soldiers in capturing Isnain Aminul in Basilan island in 2004.

The military tagged Aminul as one of Abu Sayyaf gunmen who raided and kidnapped Kansas missionary couple Martin and Gracia Burnham and Californian Guillermo Sobero and 17 Filipino holiday-goers on the posh Dos Palmas beach resort in the central Philippine island of Palawan in 2001.

Israel has no intention of attacking Iran

And I have no intention of crashing my car but guess what. Shit happens.

Israel has no aggressive intentions toward Iran.

Of course not. Everything's peachy over there.

"We must never consider such a thing," Peres told Channel Two television when asked if he would support an independent Israeli military strike against Iran if other nations failed to curb its uranium enrichment program.

No, but I bet someone else would. Starts with a U ends with a A and has an S in the middle. Oh, I kind of gave it away there didn't I?

"Israel has never shown aggressive intentions (toward Iran) -- it has none. I don't think we have to, or can, deal with this issue," he said, cautioning that Israel could face international isolation if it attacked Iran.

I know a country that doesn't seem to have a problem isolating itself from the international community. Actually, I know a whole bunch of them. Actually again, I don't think there's a international community. It's more like an international reality television show gone horribly wrong.

Israel has said repeatedly it wants the United States and other countries to take the lead in dealing with Iran over a nuclear program that has raised international concern the Islamic Republic could build atomic weapons.

Ding. Told you.

Ahmadinejad: Israeli leaders 'group of terrorists'

Hey kettle, the pot's calling.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called Israel’s leaders “a group of terrorists” and threatened any country that supported the Jewish state.

In a world gone mad, Ahmadinejad's the comic relief. With him, I always think of a little ten year old cursing off a teenager. The teenager ignores it until that one day the teenager just decides he's had enough and smacks the little shit upside his head.
In a speech made on Friday Ahmadinejad sent out a warning to the United States and its allies, saying, "You imposed a group of terrorists on the region."

I'll admit that I've always found Israels tactics a bit brutal. I never quite understood firing a missile at a guy on a bicycle, but then again, I'm not living in constant fear of a terror attack. Oh wait a second...

He added, “It is in your own interest to distance yourself from these criminals. This is an ultimatum. Don't complain tomorrow."

How about Sunday, can we complain then. Or, hold on, what are you doing next Thursday?

Ahmadinejad told thousands of people gathered at a pro-Palestinian rally in the capital of Tehran that "nations will take revenge," adding that Israel no longer had any reason to exist.

Aside from all the people that live there.

North Korea: No More Nuclear Tests

What?Is this...could it be...good news.

North Korea says no further nuclear tests are planned.

Wonder what snapped some sense into them.

However, U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, in Beijing to discuss sanctions against North Korea, said that Chinese diplomat was not convinced North Korea was ready for dialogue.

We're going to fuck this up. I can feel it.

South Korean and Japanese media reported that China's diplomacy might force its neighbour back to talks.

Well, I don't know about all of you but this made me smile. It's progress, something I haven't heard about in awhile. It may not be a full on sun shining in the sky but it's at least a beam of light through stormclouds. Still raining though...

We've lost battle for Baghdad, US admits

Did we ever have Baghdad?

A day after George Bush conceded for the first time that America may have reached the equivalent of a Tet offensive in Iraq, the Pentagon yesterday admitted defeat in its strategy of securing Baghdad.

Tet offensive? Isn't that Vietnam? They're comparing Iraq with Vietnam? Wow...

The admission from President Bush that the US may have arrived at a turning point in this war - the Tet offensive led to a massive loss of confidence in the American presence in Vietnam - comes during one of the deadliest months for US forces since the invasion.

AHA! You see, this is a strategy. With the elections in the US approaching, Bush admitting that the Iraqi war is similiar to the clusterfuck that was Vietnam is simply a plan to...well...shit, I have no idea what they're trying to do. Governments sure do pick strange times to stop lying to us.

McCain jokes about suicide if Democrats win Senate

Politicians should know better than to give us false hope.

Arizona Sen. John McCain, a likely Republican presidential contender in 2008, joked on Wednesday he would "commit suicide" if Democrats win the Senate in November.

Funny. I bet all the families of people who committed suicide found that fucking hysterical. Now I'm not one to spare feelings. I never really watch what I say or beat around the bush. I tend to be straight up. That way most people know where I'm coming from and where I stand and there are no misunderstandings. And while I expect truth from the people who run this country, I do also expect compassion and, oh I don't know, class and maybe an inkling of common sense.

"I think I'd just commit suicide," McCain told reporters, to accompanying laughter from Republicans standing with him. "I don't want to face that eventuality because I don't think it's going to happen."

Well, at least we know we can go to McCain when we need a reasonable and logical response to our questions. I mean, can you at least pretend to answer the question? You know, spin words to make it seem as if you're answering but in actuality you're not. It's an art form amongst politicians. Looks like they feel they don't need to humor us anymore. So I ask, when did the powers that be decide they don't answer to the people anymore?

Tension rises amid talk of second nuclear test

What, did we all take the first test in stride?

Tension has increased before crisis talks in Seoul, Tokyo, Beijing and Moscow as satellite intelligence suggested North Korea might deliver on its threat to hit the nuclear button a second time.

Hey, if they keep testing, that means the less bombs they have right? Test away crazy people.

Spy satellites showed "suspicious vehicle movements" near the site of last week's nuclear test, fuelling the fears of Japan, South Korea and China.

The vechiles were driving in a figure eight pattern and then made simoutainous calls on their cell phones.

Japan had received secret intelligence about the satellite images, according to the Foreign Minister, Taro Aso.

Oops...we shouldn't have told you that actually.

The Russian Defence Minister, Sergei Ivanov, said he did not exclude the possibility that Pyongyang would detonate another nuclear device, a step Washington's top official on North Korea warned would be considered a "belligerent" act.

"Now you're just being assholes."

US population hits 300 million

Just remember, you are unique...just like everybody else.

The US population hit the historic milestone of 300 million at 9.46pm (AEST) today, the Census Bureau announced.

Wow, 300 million people. That's a lot of TVs.

The date and time for the arrival of the 300th million resident was based on a calculation by the US Census Bureau that takes into account birth rates, death rates and rates of international migration.

So we're not taking into account the illegal immigrants, vacationers that haven't found the time to return home just yet or the al-qaeda sleeper cells? Why that means the melting pot is brimming over with illegal activity. Yipee!

With that in mind, it was determined that the 300th million resident was either a newborn, an immigrant coming across the border or someone flying into the United States.

In actuality the 300 millionth customer...er...resident was Jose who ran across the Arizona border to trim your hedges. Congratulations Jose, you're going back to Mexico!

Woman gives birth to grandchild

I have a feeling this story involves a trailer park.

A Japanese woman in her 50s gave birth to her own grandchild last year, using an egg from her daughter and sperm from her son-in-law, a doctor has revealed.

I have vomited.

It was the first time a woman has acted as a surrogate mother for her daughter in Japan, local media reported.

This makes me question the actual meaning of motherhood. Is a mother the woman whos egg you were hatched from or the woman who carried you for nine months, handled the labor and childbirth pains to unleash you into this world? Or is it the woman who cares for you, loves you, teaches you, keeps you warm when you are cold, feeds you when you're hungry and holds you when you fall?

Japan's justice ministry also views the woman who gives birth as a child's mother - not the biological mother.

Oh. There's my answer then.

The woman had agreed to in vitro fertilisation and to act as a surrogate mother because her daughter had had her uterus removed due to cancer and was therefore unable to bear children.

My mother won't even lend me twenty bucks let alone carry a child to full term for me...oh man, I just vomited again.

Dr Netsu said the woman had first registered the baby as her own and then the child was adopted by her daughter and son-in-law.

Very sneaky. I wish though I could be there when this kid grows up and goes on the hunt for his birth mother.

100s Evacuated Amid Hawaii Aftershocks

Trouble in paradise?

A strong earthquake shook Hawaii early Sunday, jolting residents out of bed and causing a landslide that blocked a major highway. Hundreds of hotel guests and hospital patients were evacuated, and aftershocks kept the state on edge.

I've never experienced an earthquake. If I was going to experience one, what better place than Hawaii? At least that way, when my legs are crushed beyond repair from huge boulders rolling down from the mountaintop, pinning me to the ground like an insect, I can look up at the clear blue sky and enjoy the fresh air as my body goes into shock. I need a vacation.

Gov. Linda Lingle issued a disaster declaration for the state, saying there had been damage to buildings and roads. There were no reports of fatalities, but the state Civil Defense had several reports of minor injuries.

"This earthquake has injured my relaxed state of mind".

"We were rocking and rolling," said Anne LaVasseur, who was on the second floor of a two-story, wood-framed house on the east side of the Big Island.

"Then the quake hit."

"I was pretty scared. We were swaying back and forth, like King Kong's pushing your house back and forth."

I know what's that like. Damn you dirty apes!

The earthquake caused water pipes to explode at Aston Kona By The Sea, a condominium resort, creating a dramatic waterfall down the front of the hotel from the fourth floor, said Kenneth Piper, who runs the front desk.

Pretty.

Sunday Sign of Hope October 15th 2006

American charged with treason for alleged al-Qaeda ties

Here's a kid who took the whole "teenage-rebellion" thing WAY WAY out of control. I hope he one day faces these charges.

From Globeandmail.com:

As a teenager, Adam Yedihe Gadahn appeared to be on a spiritual quest.

The 28-year-old American charged Wednesday with treason for allegedly aiding al-Qaida was raised in a largely nonreligious household. At one point he dabbled with demonic heavy metal music and later studied Christianity.

Still in his teens, he abandoned both, walking into an Orange County mosque in the 1990s and pronouncing his devotion to Islam.

“I can't say when I actually decided that Islam was for me. It was really a natural progression,” he wrote on a Web site in 1995, when he was 17 years old. “I knew well that they were not the bloodthirsty, barbaric terrorists that the news media and the televangelists paint them to be.”

Now, Mr. Gadahn stands accused of joining al-Qaeda and appearing in its propaganda videos, including one in which he declared, “America's streets will run red with blood.”

The California native is a fugitive, believed to be somewhere in or near Pakistan. His case marks the first time a charge of treason has been used in the U.S. war on terrorism.

U.N. Adopts Resolution Against N. Korea

Oh look, the organization that never does anything has done something that will have no effect on anything.

The U.N. Security Council voted unanimously on Saturday to impose punishing sanctions on North Korea for carrying out a nuclear test, declaring that its action posed "a clear threat to international peace and security."

Now for the never-ending discussion on what those punishing sanctions will be.

North Korea immediately rejected the resolution, and its U.N. ambassador walked out of the council chamber after accusing its members of a "gangster-like" action which neglects the nuclear threat posed by the United States.

Damn it feels good to be a gangster.

"The Democratic People's Republic of Korea is ready for talks, dialogue and confrontation," Ambassador Pak Gil Yon said.

Talking is overrated. Besides, most of the time, everyone skips the first two and goes right for the confrontation.

"If the United States increases pressure upon the Democratic People's Republic of Korea persistently, the DPRK will continue to take physical countermeasures considering it as a declaration of war."

This world is so full of bullshit it makes my head spin. I don't know if it's the smell or what. Maybe its the alcohol I'm forced to take into my body so that I can deal with it or maybe it's the constant confusion I face trying to figure out exactly what's going on in the world. I'll just take a break for now and go back to trying to figure out what I'll tell my daughter when the world is on fire.

UK troops must leave Iraq: General

How do you know when you live in Western culture? No one ever agrees on ANYTHING. Oh, and they make it public.

The British Government was on Friday reeling under an unprecedented attack on its Iraq policy from none other than its own Army Chief, General Richard Dannatt, after he said that the continued presence of foreign troops in Iraq was "exacerbating'' violent extremism both at home and abroad, and called for withdrawal of British soldiers.

An American general would have said that the presence of foreign troops in Iraq was "bad". And in there lies the difference between Americans and British. That and the way we pronounce "schedule".

In remarks that were compared to a political bombshell, General Dannatt directly contradicted Prime Minister Tony Blair's claims saying that British troops were in Iraq without the consent of the Iraqi people. They "weren't invited'' and "we... effectively kicked the door in'', he said in an interview with the Daily Mail.

Is it common for a country to invite an invasion?

"Whatever consent we may have had in the first place, may have turned to tolerance and has largely turned to intolerance,'' the General added, calling for British troops to be pulled out "sometime soon''.

Don't mistake the roadside bombs as intolerance. It's more of...well...ok, you have a point.

Manhattan Plane Crash Kills Yankee Pitcher

It's all over the news. Yesterday a small plane slammed into a highrise in the upper east side of Manhattan. Was it terrorism? Was it a planned attack? Islamic fanatics? Copy-cat pyscho? Home-grown terrorist bent on making a statement? Nope, it was the New York Yankees.

Fears there had been a terrorist attack were replaced with sadness in New York Wednesday after residents realized a plane crash into a Manhattan highrise had been tragic accident that killed New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle and his flight instructor.

I must admit I at first thought it was a terror attack as well. I knew it wasn't a spectacular attack like September 11th but hey, it was Oct. 11th and anything with an eleven in it is evil, everyone knows that. So, I figure, al-qaeda has had some financial trouble and their terror attacks may not be as fantastic as they once where but how could someone accidentally fly a plane into a building. We'll never know.

The crash happened in early afternoon as Lidle's plane was flying over the length of the East River - on the opposite side of Manhattan to the route the Sept. 11, 2001, hijacked planes took. It then veered toward the densely populated and built-up island, smashing into about the 20th floor of a 52-storey residential building on the Upper East Side.

That probably wasn't in the flightplan.

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg said the plane's engine was found on one of the floors of the building, where apartments are valued at $1 million and up.

Not anymore.

Russia, China Oppose N. Korea Sanctions

Well of course they do. Hey raise your hand if you expected anything different. You in the back with your hand up...you're retarded.

Russia and China on Thursday opposed tough sanctions the U.S. wants to impose against North Korea this week for its claimed nuclear test, saying they want more time to work out a more moderate response to Pyongyang's nuclear brinkmanship.

Is sending them to their room without supper still on the table? Too harsh? Ok, no TV for a week. Jeez, remember the good ol' days when you were young and you conducted an underground nuclear bomb test and your mother gave you a beating? See, that's how you keep someone from repeated an unwanted act. It's called consequences. How come I face them everyday but on a global level humankind can't bring itself to impose a time out?

The United States and Japan, which has already imposed tough unilateral sanctions on the North to protest the reported test Monday, had initially hoped for a U.N. Security Council vote on Thursday.

Unfortunately they forgot the Thursday UN field trip to the zoo.

But if Washington wants to get China and Russia - the two council nations closest to Pyongyang - on board, a vote could be delayed until early next week.

Well we've be waiting about five years now so whats another week? Oh and anyone who thinks this will actually happen next week raise your hand. Ok you in the back, the short bus is here to pick you up.

Troops to Stay in Iraq Until 2010

But that's like a million years from now.

The U.S. Army has plans to keep the current level of soldiers in Iraq through 2010, the top Army officer said Wednesday, a later date than any Bush administration or Pentagon officials have mentioned thus far.

Yeah, I have plans to win the lottery, becoming a swinging bachelor adored by millions of gorgeous women, buying a house that has a indoor swimming pool and a jacuzzi and, if I find time, trying to lose some weight. Again, these are just plans. Things are known to not always go as planned. I mean, hey, it's possible we may pull our troops out of Iraq by 2009, or maybe, the world will explode next week. Keep your fingers crossed.

The Army chief of staff, Gen. Peter J. Schoomaker, cautioned against reading too much into the planning, saying it is easier to pull back forces than to prepare and deploy units at the last minute.

Schoomaker. That's funny. You KNOW he got teased in school.

"This is not a prediction that things are going poorly or better," Schoomaker told reporters.

Well, I would think if things were going better we wouldn't need to plan to keep soldiers in Iraq another foiur years. But, then again, if things were poor than we wouldn't be planning to keep the same level of troops. So I guess, nothing has changed in Iraq and you don't plan on that happening either.

Democrats gain from Republican chaos

Well, that's what happens when there's only two fucking parties.
We're going to touch on many points here, should be interesting.

Republican leaders scrambled yesterday to contain the fallout from a Capitol Hill ethics scandal amid growing evidence that the episode, and deepening dissatisfaction with the war in Iraq, will lead voters to support Democrats in the next month's mid-term elections.

What ethics scandal you ask? This one:

Mark Adam Foley, an American Republican politician and a member of the United States House of Representatives from 1995 until 2006, representing the 16th District of Florida.
Foley resigned from the U.S. Congress on September 29 2006 after it surfaced that he had sent sexually explicit instant messages to former Congressional pages who were both under and over the age of 18. He had previously been warned about "overly friendly" emails to former Congressional pages. Overly friendly? So it's true that you HAVE to be an asshole to be in politics.
As a result of the disclosures, the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and the Florida Department of Law Enforcementopened an investigation of the messages to find possible criminal charges.

On September 28, 2006, ABC News reported that in 2005 Foley had sent email messages from his personal AOL account to a former Congressional page, asking the page to send a photo of himself to Foley, among other things. Send me a picture of yourself in a bathing suit, and swimmies, near the ocean, on a breezy day, with a tan, and a box of cheerios and wearing a raincoat. Is this email overly friendly? Check one: Yes No.
Foley’s office confirmed that Foley had sent the messages but said it has a practice of asking for photos of individuals who may ask for recommendations and that the page had requested a recommendation. Unless it was to a modeling agency, where's a picture become necessery?
The original news report prompted another page to come forward and on September 29 2006, ABC News reported that it had seen excerpts of sexually explicit instant messages allegedly sent by Foley. There's always another page.
The instant messages made repeated references to sexual organs and acts. You ever see the third act of Timon of Athens? Give me a boner.
After being approached by reporters with this new information, Foley submitted a letter of resignation from Congress on September 29, 2006. Foley said in a statement, “I am deeply sorry and I apologize for letting down my family and the people of Florida (sorry I got caught) I have had the privilege to represent.” Once the story broke, Foley had virtually no chance of staying in Congress. That's not true, look at all the pieces of shit still there.
House Speaker Dennis Hastert said in an October 2 press conference that he would have demanded Foley's expulsion from the House had he tried to stay in office. Oh course you would have. Even if Foley had been reelected i n November, it is not likely that the House would have seated him.
The revelations have prompted even more pages to come forward, alleging a history of inappropriate conduct by Rep. Foley dating back at least ten years. Everyone finds their voice all of a sudden? Look, I believe Foley may have said, wrote and maybe even did some very innapropiate things in his past but doesn't it always seem odd that once one person stands up and accuses someone of something, suddenly an army forms behind the accuser?
Foley had been warned about the matter in 2005 by another House Republican and the House Clerk. Stop fucking children!
Through his lawyer, Foley insisted he was not a pedophile and had never had sexual contact with any minor. He explained that he had a secret alcohol problem and had made the communications while intoxicated. Everyone blames alcohol. Mel Gibson, Mark Foley, that women I went home with the other night when she woke up in the morning.
He checked himself into a rehab clinic on October 2 2006.His lawyer also revealed that Foley was molested by a clergyman when he was between the ages of 13 and 15 adding that “Mark Foley wants you to know he is a gay man.” Is that a come on? I'm uncomfortable.
Federal authorities said the explicit messages could result in Foley’s prosecution, under some of the same laws he helped to enact. Something just bit me on the ass.

Woman Beats Boyfriend with Baby

"How dare you call me irrational!"

Erie police are saying it`s a case unlike any they have ever seen: a woman accused of using her own baby as a weapon in a domestic fight.

This is going to sound horrible but my daughter has a really big head. I mean, it's really improportionate to the size of her body. She looks like a kid from that show South Park. Anyway, if I were to grab her by the feet and swing away, I could do some major damage.

Now investigators are looking into what led to such a disturbing crime.

Drugs...and crazy people.

Once on the scene, police discovered Chytoria Graham had been fighting with her boyfriend, DeAngelo Troop. According to Graham`s taped statement to police, the fighting allegedly escalated from several objects being thrown, to Graham picking up the couple`s baby boy by the legs and hitting her boyfriend with the infant.

That's going to make for one hell of a bedtime story when that kid grows up.
"I used your face to beat your daddy when you were a baby."

On Sunday, the infant was flown to Children`s Hospital in Pittsburgh where the baby remains in a drug-induced coma with serious head and brain injuries.

If that kid knew what was in store for him when he woke up, he'd stay sleeping.

Thousands mourn at slain Russian reporter's funeral

When I was young, I always used to smile at the thought of having such an impact on the world that thousands would mourn my passing. As I've gotten older I realize that if I were ever shot dead my funeral would consist of remaining family, a few friends and a man trying to get someone to pay the bill cause I stained the carpet.

Western ambassadors joined thousands of mourners carrying candles and flowers at the funeral on Tuesday of murdered Russian journalist Anna Politkovskaya.

The flowers were symbols of peace and the candles were to respresent her odd fixation with wax.

Hours after Politkovskaya was buried Russian President Vladimir Putin, on a visit to Germany, called the murder heinous but played down her influence on domestic politics

"Boy, it's sad when someone with no power dies. NO POWER!"

The murder in central Moscow on Saturday of Politkovskaya -- who reported human rights abuses in Chechnya and described Putin as a cynical liar -- shocked the West and the diplomats' presence at the funeral was a clear show of solidarity with the mourners.

I'm assuming those "Western diplomats" that were shocked weren't Americans cause we have people throwing infants into garbage dumpsters and kids shooting up 2nd period English cause homework will ruin the weekend.
So, did Russian politicians have this reporter "whacked" due to her critical nature against Putin? Probably.

"This is the end of an era for Russian journalism and I don't know what will happen to it now that she is dead."

Don't look over here. American journalism has been dead for over a 1,000 years.

Saddam expelled from court as punch thrown

"I told you I wasn't a violent dictator. But no, you had to go and say I was. Now look at you. Your nose is broken."

The judge at Saddam Hussein's genocide trial has expelled the ousted Iraqi leader from court and ordered the hearing to continue behind closed doors after an altercation between the two men.

Saddam gets thrown out of court more often than I got thrown out of class in high school. (That happened a lot. I was a disturbance, you know, like a poltergeist)

Saddam's co-defendant Hussein Rashid al-Tikriti demanded to be allowed to leave with his leader, branding the prosecutors "pimps and traitors", and punched a court bailiff who attempted to push him back into his seat.

In America, young men strive to be pimps. As far as punching a bailiff, well, that's just not being a good Muslim.

A third defendant, Ali Hassan al-Majid, declared: "I want to see the sentence passed now. I wish to be executed and finish with this court."

Now, that's the perfect time to just shoot him. He's literally asking for it.

Student Fires Gun in Missouri Middle School

Listen, when we finally get to kindergarten school shootings, and yes, we will get there eventually, can we please, please take off and nuke this site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

A 13-year-old student fired an AK-47 into the ceiling at his middle school Monday morning after confronting a pair of students and administrators, telling them, "please don't make me do this," officials said.

But...you just did.
An Ak-47 huh? Those don't come in the bottom of cereal boxes you know.

No one was injured, and the boy was taken into custody.

Unfortunately for him, everyone was right, he can't do anything right and he'll never amount to anything.

The student, who was not identified, pointed the gun at two students and Principal Steve Gilbreth and Assistant Superintendent Steve Doerr and asked them, "not to make me do this," said School Superintendent Jim Simpson.

Hey Jim, umm...where were you?

The boy then fired a shot into the ceiling, breaking a water pipe, Simpson said. After firing the shot, he said, the boy again said, "Please don't make me do this."

"Put the gun down son. No more pipes have to die today."

"It was a very close call," Simpson said.

Not for the water pipe.

North Korea claims first-ever successful nuclear test

Well, it took only about an hour for my Sunday Sign of Hope to be demolished. Thanks North Korea.

North Korea today boasted that it successfully tested a nuclear weapon, sparking a barrage of global condemnation and threats of harsh sanctions over an underground blast that appeared to thrust the volatile communist state into the elite club of nuclear-armed nations.

This must mean they're not going to get the elite club members-only jacket. I'm just glad that all the preventive measures that were taken to keep North Korea from obtaining nuclear arms worked out so well. If anyone needs me I'll be in the corner trying to figure out what the fuck my President's administration has actually accomplished in the last six years.

The explosion prompted worldwide concern it could seriously destabilise the region, and even Pyongyang’s ally China said it strongly opposed the move. South Korea’s spy chief said there were possible indications the North was moving to conduct more tests.

On my way to work this morning I was thinking, "You know, maybe the world needs to be destroyed. That way we can start anew, try again, maybe do it better. After all, all civilizations eventually end. Empires fall, countries dissolve, radiation melts people. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing". Yes...I was stuck in traffic.

Sunday Sign of Hope October 8th 2006

China and Japan heal wounds in joint attack on North Korea

It's good to see that there's a limit of bullshit regions are willing to deal with. And if I read this right, a leader of a country actually apologized for something. Wow.

From Scotsman:

CHINA hailed a visit by the new Japanese prime minister yesterday as a "turning point" in relations as they agreed to upgrade trade ties and denounced North Korea's plans for a nuclear test.

Beijing had refused summits with Shinzo Abe's predecessor, Junichiro Koizumi, who stepped down last month, due to his repeated pilgrimages to Tokyo's Yasukuni Shrine to war dead, seen by critics as glorifying Japan's past militarism.

But China struck a conciliatory tone and Mr Abe expressed "deep remorse" for past Japanese actions as he broke with tradition in making his first trip abroad since taking office on 26 September to China, rather than the United States.

"Your visit is serving as a turning point in China-Japan relations and I hope it will also serve as a new starting point for the improvement and development of bilateral ties," the Chinese president Hu Jintao, was quoted as telling Mr Abe. Mending ties is key to addressing last week's threat by North Korea to conduct a nuclear test, an issue high on the agenda during Mr Abe's two-day visit to Beijing, which is host to stalled six-party talks on the North Korean nuclear issue.

Mr Abe said the possibility that North Korea would make good on its threat could not be ruled out, adding that if it did so the United Nations would discuss invoking Chapter 7 of the UN Charter, which could lay the groundwork for military force.

A joint statement said China and Japan sides "expressed deep concern" over the threatened nuclear test.

Of Japanese-Sino relations, Mr Abe said: "Sixty years of Japan's post-war history is built on our deep remorse for ... inflicting grave damage and suffering ... on the people of Asia. I feel certain that my visit to China will lead Sino-Japanese ties to a higher level," he said.

Mr Abe flies to South Korea today for talks with Roh Moo-hyun, the president, which are expected to focus on North Korea.

U.N. warns North Korea against nuclear weapon test

Don't you dare.

The U.N. Security Council on Friday urged North Korea not to carry out a planned nuclear-weapon test and warned Pyongyang of unspecified consequences if it did.

Wow, that's actually a literal empty threat.

The warning, in a formal statement adopted unanimously, came three days after North Korea's announced it planned its first underground nuclear test, saying its hand had been forced by a U.S. "threat of nuclear war and sanctions."

Right, you're testing a nuclear weapon because the US warned you of sanctions if you test a nuclear weapon? Why North Korea, that doesn't make much sense. Countries don't even try to make it seem like they possibly know what they're talking about anymore do they?

U.S. officials have said the reclusive state might detonate a device as early as this weekend, and a Chinese source said Pyongyang planned to carry out the test deep inside an abandoned mine.

And this test should prove that a nuclear device, when detonated inside a deep mining cave, causes an explosion.

Man Apologizes for Courtroom Feces

This is going to get both interesting and disgusting.

A Chicago man apologized for spreading his feces around a courtroom during his trial on drug charges.

"I'm not on drugs and I'll prove it."

Vandale Amos Willis, 28, apologized Wednesday before being sentenced to more than 10 years in prison. Willis was convicted earlier of importation of a controlled substance, cocaine, and two other charges.

Defense strategies are getting weirder and weirder these days.
"As your legal council I'd advise you to take a shit in your hands during the proceedings and just go crazy with it. I mean, really, explore the space. Make sure you get it everywhere."

"Im going to take full responsibility for everything I did in Duluth," Willis told the court. "I want to apologize for everything I did in court. Im sorry, your honor."

I love it when people do the craziest shit possible and then, like a badge of honor, take responsiblity for it. Well, who else is going to stand up and take responsiblity for you smearing feces around the courthouse there Vandale?

Jack Straw calls on Muslim women to lift their veils

Don't know exactly who Jack Straw is but I'm pretty sure he just managed to get his name on a few death lists.

Jack Straw, the leader of the House of Commons, has called on Muslim women to lift their veils as a way of breaking down barriers between communities.

All you have to do is ensure your place in the burning pits of Hell according to your belief system in order to fit in with the rest of us. Room for one more. Oh, and this only goes for the good looking ones.

Mr Straw, a former Foreign Secretary, says that the veil can be regarded as a visible statement of “separation and difference”. Some Muslim scholars do not believe it is obligatory.

While others will bury you neck deep in a hole and throw rocks at your face.

In his weekly coumn in the The Lancashire Telegraph he has expressed concern that “wearing the full veil was bound to make better, positive relations between the two communities more difficult”.

But on the bright side, they never have to cover their mouths when they sneeze.

U.S. Northeast could warm drastically by 2100: study

Don't care. I'll be dead. So will anyone I care about. Move along.

For those who love New England's mild summer weather, scientists have some advice: enjoy it while you can.

That's if you plan on living another 94 years.

If greenhouse gas emissions continue on their current course, Massachusetts may feel more like sultry South Carolina by century's end, researchers said on Wednesday in a report on clear signs of global warming in the U.S. Northeast.

Oh no. Not South Carolina's blazing desert-like heat waves that have been known to lay waste to entire communities. What will we do? Turn on air conditioning? Take a cool shower? Buy a pool? Or maybe...actually, fuck this, I already said I don't care.

Gaultier swaps Size O models for 'Size 20'

Isn't there like a healthly grey area we can all agree on?

Fashion designer Jean Paul Gaultier found his own way to comment on the 'size zero' debate - by putting a larger model down the catwalk to show off his clothes.
Dressed in a daring black corsetry, the plus-sized model dwarfed her fellow waif-like catwalk queens.

Ok, point taken. Please stop.

Khameini: Don't masturbate during Ramadan

No wonder they blow themselves up.

Deliberate masturbation during the month of Ramadan renders a fast invalid, Iranian Supreme Leader Sayyid Ali Khameini has ruled.

Whoa, I don't know how you guys do it over there in the middle east but if your masturbating is interfering with your fasting you're finishing wrong. Just use a towel.

Khameini, who is Iran's most powerful political and religious figure, was asked on his website : "If somebody masturbates during the month of Ramadan but without any discharge, is his fasting invalidated?

Why the fuck would you masturbate without discharging? That's like driving to Las Vegas and not gambling. It's like flying to Italy and not leaving the hotel. It's like kidnapping a prostitute and not charging the power drill...nevermind.
And when did Muslims stop discharging?

"If he do not intend masturbation and discharging semen and nothing is discharged, his fasting is correct even though he has done a ḥarām (forbidden) act. But, if he intends masturbation or he knows that he usually discharges semen by this process and semen really comes out, it is a ḥaram intentional breaking fasting," the Iranian leader said, posting the reply on his website.

Excuse me ladies for a moment while I ask the men here a quesiton. Have any of you ever masturbated unintentionally? Cause I usually plan it out. You know, make a night of it. Rent a movie. Make dinner. Argue with myself so I can have makeup sex...nevermind.

Another reader asked: "Once in the holy month of Ramadan, I forgot to brush my teeth, and some tiny bits of food remained in my mouth. I swallowed the bits unintentionally. Do I have to perform the qaḍa (repent) for that day's fast?"

Well, Worried in Tehran, you see, it's like this. You shouldn't swallow toothpaste so stop swallowing while brushing your teeth.

Japan wants UN to warn N Korea over nuclear test

Japan also wants the UN to ask Indonesia if Indonesia likes them more than a friend.

Japan wants the U.N. Security Council to tell North Korea that a nuclear test would jeopardize peace in the region and warn Pyongyang of possible consequences if it ignores a call for restraint, according to a draft statement circulated on Wednesday.

I have to wonder why it's so important that the UN deliver this message. I would think that North Korea is well aware of how certain countries feel about them performing a nuclear test. It doesn't seem to me that the UN has more pull than anyone else. Less actually.
The statement -- in response to North Korea's Tuesday announcement that it planned to carry out its first underground nuclear test -- will be analyzed by council diplomats later in the day before being sent to capitals of the 15-member body.

In the meantime North Korea will hold an underground nuclear test.

The Japanese draft expresses "deep concern" over North Korea's threat, saying that a nuclear test would "jeopardize peace, stability and security in the region and beyond."

When someone says "earth" the last thing that comes to my mind is stability. It can always get worse I know that but, I'm left to wonder, can it ever get better?

Turk hijacks jet 'in attempt to escape military service'

That's sort of like opening fire in the school hallway to avoid after-school detention.

A Turkish man hoping to avoid military service seized control of a passenger plane flying from Albania to Istanbul yesterday and forced the plane to land in Italy.

"Don't make any sudden moves and take me somewhere fabulous. Somewhere with history and that really appreciates fashion and the culinary arts."

The man, who had claimed to be armed with a bomb, stormed the cockpit and diverted the airliner to Brindisi in southern Italy, where he surrendered and released all 113 passengers and crew unharmed.

Why didn't he just, you know, go to Italy and hide-out somwhere, quietly? I mean there's a lot to be said about keeping a low profile when trying to escape military service.

Officials initially said the aircraft had been hijacked by two men protesting against Pope Benedict XVI's planned visit to Turkey next month.

Any chance you guys get to bring that shit up right?

The five-hour hijacking began shortly after the plane took off from Tirana and entered Greek airspace.

I hope they were given a break in the middle. Five hours of hoping not to die can be stressful.

Milk man slaughters girls at US school

Remember the good ol' days when milk men only fucked your wife while you were at work. Now they kill your children.

At least three girls were dead at a small, one- room school house run by one of America's most peaceful communities, the Amish of Pennsylvania, after being shot execution-style by a milk truck driver, state police said in broadcast remarks.

What sucks about school shootings in one-room school houses is that it's nearly impossible to flee to another classroom. If it's not safe in Amish country then where is it safe?

At least another seven girls were seriously injured by the gunman - many of them with head wounds - before he turned the gun on himself, Commander Jeffrey Miller said.

Bad day to be Amish, and female, and in school, and need milk.

"It's a horrendous crime scene," Miller said. "It appears all of the female students were shot."

This is going to make for one lonely prom.

Sunday Sign of Hope 10/1/06

Good news in the good fight, Iraqis hate al-Qaeda too

Almost as much as they hate Westerners but hey, take the good where you can find it.

From Boston Herald:

Last week, there was a glimmer of hope in the news from Iraq. Al-Qaeda is on the ropes and sounding desperate, and Iraqis are gaining confidence in their own government and its forces.
A new recruiting video by the emir of al-Qaeda in Iraq, Abu Hamza al-Muhajir, brags of the loss of 4,000 foreign fighters in Iraq. He assures budding martyrs their ardent wish for death in righteous battle will be achieved.

The emir also pitches to scientists with nuclear, biological and explosives expertise: “We are in dire need of you. The field of jihad can satisfy your scientific ambitions, and the large American bases are good places to test your unconventional weapons, whether biological or dirty, as they call them.”

It’s al-Qaeda’s version of “Be All You Can Be.” One fly in the ointment:A U.N. report claims al-Qaeda’s foreign fighters want to kill Americans and don’t like being told to martyr themselves in suicide attacks on other Muslims.

Al-Qaeda in Iraq has recruiting problems. Allah be praised!

Also in the news last week, poll results from a University of Maryland public policy institute found that 94 percent of Iraqis hate al-Qaeda. But two-thirds of Iraqis want U.S. troops out within the year. A majority of Iraqis believe the U.S. presence fuels the violence, which is interesting because most of the violence is now Iraqi on Iraqi, Sunni vs. Shia. This remains the most difficult part of the Iraqi equation. Saddam Hussein’s answer to it - the murder of hundreds of thousands of Kurds and Shiites - only fueled the current strife.