Monday, February 04, 2008

Middle school issues ban on intentional flatulence

If you fart, it better be completely accidental. So we're now dishing out punsihments for natural human functions huh. We're circling the drain people, circling the fucking drain.

The Merriam Webster Dictionary definition for flatulence is brief: "flatus expelled through the anus." And while it's a natural bodily function, it seems some Camden-Rockport Middle School eighth-grade boys are taking it to new heights and making a game of seeing who can expel the loudest and grossest flatus.

And soon our children will just start throwing poo at each other. Has anyone ever really wondered whether humans EVOLVED into apes instead of the other way around?

According to this week's Fire Cracker school newsletter though, the joke's on the boys as the penalty for "intentional farting" is now a detention.

Intentional farting. Every time I fart it's intentional. Has anyone ever farted without knowing it was coming? And how do you prove an intentional fart? Let the kids play their game. Sooner or later one of them is going to think to himself, "oh, I got the game-winning fart on deck" and he's going to give it a push and he's going to shit his pants. Games over.

"Strange, but true, thanks to a bunch of 8th grade boys, intentional farting has been banned from CRMS," the newsletter said. "It started out as a funny joke and eventually turned into a game. This is the first rule at CRMS that prevents the use of natural bodily functions. The penalty for intentional farting is a detention, so keep it to yourself!"

When I was in 8th grade I was embarassed to fart in class. It's good to see that kids have no shame these days. Seems like it's taking the newer generations longer and longer to mature. I'm glad I'm going to be dead in fifty-so years, I really am. I don't know how much more of this I can take before I wind up on a water tower with a sniper rifle.

According to a group of seventh-grade students milling around downtown following Friday's storm-related early release, the eighth-graders' escapades are well known in the school. "They would do it in science class and other places," said Jordan Tyler. "It's a natural occurrence and we all do it 16 times a day."

16 times a day huh? Looks like I'm winning then.

When questioned where he learned that information, Tyler and the other students all said it was true, though they couldn't remember where they heard it.

In the past I've been criticized for calling teenagers stupid. I rest my case. Where's the dog crate...


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