Damnit! Earth

100 hours after quake, survivor plucked from rubble

2008-05-16T21:31:00.000-07:00

"Six million two-hundred forty thousand one hundred and eighteen bottles of beer on the wall, six million two-hundred forty thousand one hundred and eighteen bottles of beer..."

Cheering Chinese soldiers pulled a survivor from the wreckage of a fertiliser plant today, 100 hours after the massive Sichuan earthquake.

100 hours of laying in fertiliser? Ouch.

Lin Deyun is a 50-year-old driver who should not even have been in the Yinfeng Fertiliser Plant when the earthquake struck on Monday afternoon: he had been due just to make a quick delivery.

Funny how life is sometimes ain't it? One minute you're making a quick delivery to a fertiliser plant and the next 100 hours your laying underneath ten tons of ceiling with the smell of animal shit in your nostrils.

But when the building crumpled under the force of an earthquake that has now killed at least 20,000, he was in the games room.

"I'll just stop for a quick game of Pac-Man. What's it going to hurt?"

His incredible rescue began when a team picking through the ruins yesterday heard sounds of life. To their amazement, they were able to speak to the trapped driver.

"Just hang in there sir."
"Oh take your time."

Lacking the equipment to dig down through the rubble, they called in a specialist team from the People's Liberation Army.

They had shovels.

They also telephoned his daughter and wife, and asked them to come to the site to keep up his spirits.

That would be the last thing I needed. After 100 hours of laying in rubble all I want is to hear my wife and daughter bitching about having to take out the garbage the last four days.

His daughter, Lin Yuan, told The Times: "I talked to my father yesterday. I called out: 'Daddy' and he said: 'I want water'. I was crying. He said he could not move at all."

"Water...and noseplugs please. It smells like shit down here."

It eventually took the rescue team 22 hours to free him. His body was pinned down by such heavy concrete that doctors had to amputate a part of one of his arms and one of his legs.

Oh this is one of those feel-good articles.

Perdue signs law allowing guns in restaurants

2008-05-15T20:42:00.000-07:00

"I said where's my fucking entree!"

Georgians with carry licenses can tote their concealed guns on public transportation, in restaurants that serve alcohol and in state parks under legislation signed by Gov. Sonny Perdue Wednesday.

Great idea. Perhaps mixing alcohol and concealed firearms isn't such a great idea. Sure you can yell "The 2nd Amendment" all you want but our forefathers didn't have to deal with this kind of fucking traffic. The country wasn't so crowded. Besides, what do you need a gun in a restaurant for anyway? Waving a gun in the bartenders face isn't going to get you your martini any faster.

Mom indicted in MySpace suicide case

2008-05-15T20:27:00.000-07:00

This is no good.

A federal grand jury on Thursday indicted a Missouri woman for her alleged role in perpetrating a hoax on the online social network MySpace against a 13-year-old neighbor who committed suicide.

I may catch some heat on this since everyone is so very sensitive about children. But I don't think this woman should be charged. Well, wait, lets see what she's been charged with first. I assume it's some obscure law stretched almost to the breaking point.

Lori Drew of suburban St. Louis allegedly helped create a false-identity MySpace account to contact Megan Meier, who thought she was chatting with a 16-year-old boy named Josh Evans. Josh didn't exist. Megan hanged herself at home in October 2006 after receiving cruel messages, including one stating the world would be better off without her.

Very sad. But not criminal. Dispictable? Yes. Disgusting? Absolutely. But not criminal. This is a can of worms we shouldn't be opening.

Salvador Hernandez, assistant agent in charge of the Los Angeles FBI office, called the case heart-rending. "The Internet is a world unto itself. People must know how far they can go before they must stop. They exploited a young girl's weaknesses," Hernandez said. "Whether the defendant could have foreseen the results, she's responsible for her actions."

See now this is the problem. Did this woman cross the line? That goes without question. Should she be held responsible for harassment? Yes. Maybe I'd go as far as Endangering the welfare of a minor. But holding someone responsible for a suicide is a road we shouldn't travel down. Why? Because where does it end? Do we start holding people responsible for other peoples actions. I did this story a while ago and still believe that the teens mother should have been monitoring her daughters online chatter more closely. I am in no way legitimizing the actions of this woman who harassed a 13-year-old girl on Myspace. I'm just saying we should look down the road a little and be wary of where this is headed. We have a tendency as a culture, especially when it comes to children, to go a little overboard in effort to protect them. Nothing in this country is hated more than people who prey on children. Not murderers, rapists, arsonists, no one. And sometimes in that effort we blind ourselves to damage we may be doing. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

Drew was charged with one count of conspiracy and three counts of accessing protected computers without authorization to get information used to inflict emotional distress on the girl.

This is the stretch I'm talking about. Accessing protected computers without authorization is a charge usually leveled at hackers who target government computers. Harassing someone on a public website does not fail under this at all.

U.S. Attorney Thomas P. O'Brien said this was the first time the federal statute on accessing protected computers has been used in a social-networking case. It has been used in the past to address hacking. "This was a tragedy that did not have to happen," O'Brien said.

It is a tragedy. It's a tragedy that no one caught what was happening before this young girl took her own life. Tragic that she never realized that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But not criminal. It's such a dispictable act that we feel the need to punish. I would rather see some harassment charges leveled at this woman. We start making people responsible for others' suicides and what's to stop charges being leveled at someone who breaks up with a boyfriend or a girlfriend and that person takes their life? What about a boss who fires someone and they kill themselves? Slipper slope we should approach with caution. I'm interested to see how this turns out.

9-year-old girl's twin is found inside her stomach

2008-05-15T20:20:00.000-07:00

Ate her sister huh. Happens.

A 9-year-old girl who went to hospital in central Greece suffering from stomach pains was found to be carrying her embryonic twin, doctors said Thursday.

That should be nice and permanently scarring.

Doctors at Larissa General Hospital examined the girl and surgically removed a growth they later discovered was an embryo more than two inches long.

So how do you break this info to a 9-year-old? Hey, remember that tummy ache you had? Yeah, that was the unborn dead twin sister you would have had if you hadn't eaten her in the womb. Want a cookie?

"They could see on the right side that her belly was swollen, but they couldn't suspect that this tumor would hide an embryo," hospital director Iakovos Brouskelis said.

Oh come on, what kind of doctor can't look at a swollen stomach and not know it's the dead fetus of an unborn twin? Don't these people go to med school?

The girl has made a full recovery, he said.

Physically. Mentally she's still mumbling something about cannibalism.

Andreas Markou, head of the hospital's pediatric department, said the embryo was a formed fetus with a head, hair and eyes, but no brain or umbilical cord.

Well, lets just count our blessing she didn't poo that one out. Now that would be an awkward conversation.

California Court Affirms Right to Gay Marriage

2008-05-15T20:11:00.000-07:00

Quick, I got to buy stock in glitter.

The California Supreme Court, striking down two state laws that had limited marriages to unions between a man and a woman, ruled on Thursday that same-sex couples have a constitutional right to marry.

About time. I was starting to feel like I was living in medeval times here. So what if Bob and Greg want to get married? As long as they keep the blinds closed when they're having sex like the police told me I had to start doing, then all is good.

The 4-to-3 decision, drawing on a ruling 60 years ago that struck down a state ban on interracial marriage, would make California the second state, after Massachusetts, to allow same-sex marriages.

I'm glad gay people can marry now. Why you ask? Easy. Because there is nothing funnier and more colorful than two gay men arguing. Two gay women? Not so funny. Disturbing actually. Looks like a twilight zone episode based at a truck stop. Now of course I'm not talking about that GOOD type of lesbians, you know, like the ones on those videos kept behind the curtains in the back of the video store. But I've yet to see that in real life outside of strip clubs. Wait, what where we talking about?

The decision, which becomes effective in 30 days unless the court grants a stay, was greeted with celebrations at San Francisco City Hall, where thousands of same-sex marriages were thrown out by the courts four years ago.

Court grants a stay in 5,4,3...

It was denounced by religious and conservative groups that promised to support an initiative proposed for the November ballot that would amend the California Constitution to ban same-sex marriages and overturn the decision.

And here come the religious nuts getting into everyone elses business. Wish we could ban them from expressing their opinions all the time. Yes we know, we're all going to hell. And if these are the people that populate Heaven, shit, Hell's sounding nice and fucking quiet.

Austrian incest father says he is "not a monster"

2008-05-07T19:47:00.000-07:00

Oh no? So what's your definition of a monster?

Austrian Josef Fritzl, who imprisoned his daughter for 24 years and fathered her seven children, said he was no "monster" and he could have killed her and her children had he wanted to, according to his lawyer.

Convincing argument.

"I am not a monster," Austrian daily Oesterreich quoted Fritzl as saying in comments relayed by his lawyer Rudolf Mayer. Fritzl also criticised media coverage of his case as "totally one-sided".

"All the media is concentrating on is that I locked my daughter up in a dungeon in my basement, raped her, fathered seven children with her, one of which died and then I burned in the furnace, and how I kept them locked down there for twenty-four years without seeing the sun. What about all my charity work?"

In 1984, the now 73-year-old lured daughter Elisabeth into a basement in his home in the eastern Austrian town of Amstetten, drugged her and locked her up. He claimed she had disappeared to join a sect.

I don't know, maybe it's me, but sounds like a monstrous thing to do.

Three of Elisabeth's children were raised by Fritzl and his wife Rosemarie after he pretended his daughter had left them on his doorstep with a letter saying she could not care for them.

Webster defines monster as: any animal or human grotesquely deviating from the normal shape, behavior, or character. A person who excites horror by wickedness, cruelty, etc. I'm going to have to side with the media on this one.

The other three children remained locked up in the windowless basement with their mother. A seventh child died shortly after birth. The pretence unravelled when the eldest child of the incestuous relationship, a 19-year-old daughter, became seriously ill and was taken to hospital more than two weeks ago.

I'm think I'm missing Josef Fritzl's argument here.

The young woman remains in an artificial coma and needs artificial respiration, according to her doctor. "Without me (she) would not be alive anymore...I was the one who made sure that she was taken to a hospital," said Fritzl, who also has seven children with his wife Rosemarie.

But you were the one who made her need to go to the hospital in the first place. Shouldn't we just shoot this guy?

"I could have killed all of them -- then nothing would have happened. No one would have ever known about it."

Actually, calling this guy a monster is an insult to monsters. I don't think a word exists to describe this. I'll make one up...umm...horriflagerating.

Arabs say racism on rise as Israel turns 60

2008-05-07T19:17:00.000-07:00

Really? Is racism really the "Big Issue" over there in the middle east?

Salwa Abu Jaber believes her story shows Israel discriminating against its Arab citizens, 60 years after the state was established as a haven for Jews.

So at what point does racism turn into common sense? I may catch some flack for this but lets look at it objectively. Let's say, everyday, you come home from work a gang of French guys walks ove. punches you in the face and takes your wallet. (Fucking French always getting me in the parking lot). Now, don't you think you'd be a little wary of the French after a while, say, 60 years?
Racism is when you judge people by the color of their skin, and yes, dragging a black kid by a chain tied to the bumper of a pickup truck because he's black is racism and its digusting. But I think we're more talking about judging people by their culture. When the MAJORITY of a culture or race engage in activities that further negative judgement from other cultures or races, is it racism? Is it racist of me to wonder if the Arab guy at the back of the plane has a bomb, is it racist of me to think the black guy with pants down to his knees and a white t-shirt on that could easily pass as a skirt might be selling drugs? Is it the color of his skin I'm judging him by, or his culture? As an Italian who happens to share my last name with a prominent mafia family in New York, I can relate on a lower level. I can't tell you how many people follow initial greetings with "wow, do you know anyone in the mob?"
Is it because I'm Italian, because of my last name, because of the Godfather movies or The Sopranos? Yes, sort of, but more because the Italian mafia has existed in America since the early nineteen hundreds. It's part of my culture, an unfortunate one, but still a part. And saying a few bad apples fucks it up for the rest of us isn't fair when its many, many bad apples.
In our PC culture, it's absolutely taboo to say black people commit the most crime, most terrorists are of Arab decent, or at least Muslim background, or saying Mexicans can't speak English but then you look at the world around you and you think, by God, it's true, I can't say it, but we all know it.
It's not racism when your culture projects a constant negative image. It's racism when someone thinks you're a drug dealer JUST cause you're black. But if you're dressed like a fucking drug dealer, speak in sentences beginning with "Yo dawg" or "muthafucka what!" and end them in "yaknowhatimsayin'" or "word up!" then don't start screaming racism when people assume you're uneducated and a criminal.
Be aware of the image you're emitting. And yes, it's very unfortunate that because the majority of your culture acts a certain way, thinks a certain way, you get lumped into it as well. Not all Arabs are terrorists, not all black people are criminals and not all Mexicans can't speak English. But the actions of the culture you belong to reflect in you. It sucks, but its reality. Maybe one day some of the cultures in this world will finally decide to take responsibility for their self-inflicted negative image and work at bettering themselves in the eyes of others and the eyes of their children who will mimic them to a T. Until then, you'll have stereotypical racism. Go ahead and cry about it for a few minutes and then learn to fucking deal with it. Life ain't pretty. We just like to pretend it is.

The 32-year-old mother of four from northern Israel said her five-year-old daughter has never seen her father, who lives in the Israeli-occupied West Bank. Separated from the man for five years, she says she has been forced to divorce him.

So why's he live in the West Bank and you don't?

Thousands of families have been similarly split by a 2003 ban on Palestinians in the West Bank from reuniting with their families inside Israel, imposed citing security reasons after the Palestinian uprising or intifada began in 2000.

Why didn't daddy move to Israel with mommy and daughter in 2000? Why stay behind?

"In practical terms, Israel forced the divorce on us," Abu Jaber said. "We could not continue to live like this any longer. If this is not racism, then what is it?"

Security.

After 1948, about 120,000 stayed and were granted Israeli citizenship. Now about one in five Israelis is Arab, and many prefer to be called Palestinians like their kin outside Israel.

Link yourself with a violent culture and you'll be treated the same.

"Arab citizens ... are related to more as enemies than as citizens with equal rights," the Association for Civil Rights in Israel (ACRI) said in its annual report.

Prehaps it has something to do with the suicide bombings and the checkpoint stabbings and the rockets fired into Israel from the West Bank and etc.etc.etc.

Teen Wanted to Kill Jesus in Heaven

2008-05-07T19:09:00.000-07:00

So maybe we nailed him on a cross here on earth but I'd imagine Jesus would be a bit tougher of an opponent on his home turf.

A teen accused of plotting to blow up his high school told police that he wanted to die, go to heaven and kill Jesus, federal authorities said Tuesday."

Isn't it great that good ol' fashion complete insanity never seems to go out of style?

According to the article, the teen -- 18-year-old Ryan Schallenberger -- was a straight-A student. He was arrested earlier this month. Prosecutors say he may need a psychological evaluation.

Yeah maybe. Or why not just shoot him in the head and let him get his shot at the champ?

If he's convicted of attempting to use a weapon of mass destruction, he won't die. According to the article, he'll face a life sentence.

So I guess the Jesus Vs. Ryan Schallenberger titlebout will have to wait.

Bruce Springsteen endorses Obama for president

2008-04-16T18:30:00.000-07:00

Oh, well, that seals the deal for me. Of course I'm going to vote for whoever Bruce Springsteen votes for cause he can play a guitar. Give me a fucking break. Who cares.

Rock star Bruce Springsteen endorsed Democratic Sen. Barack Obama for president Wednesday, saying "he speaks to the America I've envisioned in my music for the past 35 years."

But what if you listen to Death Metal?

In a letter addressed to friends and fans posted his Web site, Springsteen said he believes Obama is the best candidate to undo "the terrible damage done over the past eight years."

It's going to take longer than one president to undo the damage done over the past eight years. Thinking the damage is solely the fault of the current administration (while a lot of it does fall on their shoulders) is narrow-minded. It would surprise most Americans to find out that, no, we actually don't control the fate of the world.

"He has the depth, the reflectiveness, and the resilience to be our next president," the letter said. "He speaks to the America I've envisioned in my music for the past 35 years, a generous nation with a citizenry willing to tackle nuanced and complex problems, a country that's interested in its collective destiny and in the potential of its gathered spirit. A place where '...nobody crowds you, and nobody goes it alone.' "

Nobody crowds you. He's from New Jersey right? He's lost his mind, it's crowded as all hell here. I guess you get a different view when you make a few hundred million dollars. Guess that kind of puts you in another league than most of us "average" Americans. So then why should we give two shits who you're voting for?

The bard of New Jersey is known for his lyrics about the struggles of working-class Americans, particularly in the economically ravaged factory towns of the Northeast.

How's that struggle going for you Mr. Moneypants. If I sound bitter it's only because I'm bitter.

Pope Benedict XVI begins first U.S. tour

2008-04-15T20:07:00.000-07:00

He's in for a little bit of a surprise. Those religious values that this country was founded on have gotten a little hazy as of lately.

A smiling Pope Benedict XVI arrived in the United States on Tuesday afternoon to start the six-day, two-city journey that will take him from the White House to the halls of the United Nations.

He's seeing all the sights, sort of, well, not really. Just two. But they're really nice buildings.

The papal plane, Shepherd 1, touched down at Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland to cheers from a crowd of invited guests gathered for the event.

Shepard 1. There's something morally twisted about that. And would they have invited guests that wouldn't have applauded?

After he stepped off the plane, Benedict did not kiss the ground, as his predecessor, Pope John Paul II, often did during visits.

I don't blame him. Who knows where that tarmacs been.

The pontiff was greeted by President Bush, first lady Laura Bush and their daughter Jenna, each of whom shook his hand.

What no bear-hugs?

It was believed to be the first time an American president has greeted a world dignitary on arrival at Andrews.

Believed? Do our records not go far back enough? Exactly how long have we had an Andrews Air Force Base?

"It had the look and feel of a monumental and historic event," CNN's Brian Todd reported.

"But it tasted like Chinese food."

Artillery Shrapnel Hits House, Kills Cat

2008-04-14T18:04:00.000-07:00

Yeah, but the cat was working with al-qaeda.

A New Jersey family had some scary moments after their house was hit by a fiery missile.

Of course it's scary. Who knows where that missiles been.

A fragment of a two-pound artillery shell plummeted through the roof of their Jefferson Township home around 2:30 p.m. Friday, landing on their little girl's bed -- ultimately killing the family's cat.

This happened in New Jersey. Sounds like there was some bad intell huh.

CBS Station WCBS correspondent Lou Young reports the shell was fired off from the Picatinny Arsenal, the U.S. Army's sprawling weapons research facility in Picatinny, 2.5 to 3 miles away.

Wow, sounds like it was just that cats time to go. By the way, what exactly are you researching over there, mass panic?

"They heard the explosion, they felt the concussion and a few seconds later the piece came through the roof," homeowner Fred Angle said.

"This is only supposed to happen in the middle east."

The sheer random chance of the event is staggering.

Not really all that random when you fire a shell into the air. It's got to come down somewhere.

Shrapnel came sailing through the air in an arc punching a hole in the roof the size of a fist, into the bedroom where 10-year-old Cassandra sleeps.

A Webkinz doll was wounded in the shelling, its condition unknown at this time.

Brandon Gadow, Cassandra's brother, tried to grab the shrapnel, but it was too hot. He pulled the blanket and the cat outside and called the police.

"Get that out of the house. It stinks."

The family's cat was injured and had to be euthanized, but Cassandra was spared because she was picked up early for a playdate.

I always thought animals had a sixth sense for approaching danger.

"Literally she would've been sitting in the bed with the cat because that was where she was before she left," Cassandra's mother Cheryl Angle said. "The cat ended up staying there when she left."

"You go play, I'm going to stretch out here on the bed where it's safe and warm and...hey, what's that whistling sound?"

Base spokesman Peter Rowlands said, "We deeply regret what happened and also the effect it's had on the family, the loss of their pet, and also the damage to their home, and just the fright they experienced."

So, would you like to explain why you're firing fiery projectiles into populated areas here in our home country?

The Army knows it was lucky -- that it dodged a bullet, not to put too fine a point on it -- and as a result all outdoor weapons testing has been suspended pending the outcome of an investigation.

Lucky? Yeah everyone except the cat. As for an investigation, I figured it had something to do with pushing the "fire" button while the cannon was aimed at the neighbors.

Army brass will be back out at the house soon to talk about compensation for the family.

"We bought you a new kitten."
"Whys it have a target painted on it?"
"Um...never mind that."

Ironically, the Army says the accident occurred while it was testing safer way to dispose of unwanted artillery shells.

So depositing them through the roof of the neighbors house isn't feasible. Better find a new way, how about just launching them in the other direction and seeing how that goes.

Hiatus

2008-03-03T16:53:00.000-08:00

Due to some issues in my personal life, I'm going to have to take a short break from Damnit Earth. Think of it as an enlongated vacation, except for the having a good time part. I hope to return at the minimum by the end of the month, possible middle of next. But make no mistake, Damnit! Earth will return. Not bigger or better or anything, hopefull pretty much the same it was before. Hope that's good enough for ya.

US says military hotline with China likely within weeks

2008-02-29T17:50:00.000-08:00

Let the prank calls begin.

The United States and China aim to set up a telephone hotline between their militaries within a month following an agreement signed Friday, the US defence department said.

"For the last time, I'm not bringing you any fried rice!"

The deal was signed in Shanghai alongside another one giving the United States access to China's military archives to search for missing servicemen from the Korean War and other conflicts, the official said.

Better late than never I guess.

"We welcome this important step forward in enhancing communication between our militaries," the US defence department said in a statement. "The (hotline) will be a useful tool to make contact quickly, clarify issues, and avoid miscalculations."

"Hey Bill, it's Lei"
"Hey Lei, how are you."
"Not too bad. Say Bill, did you just fire a nuclear warhead at Beijing?"
"Umm...hold on Lei, I have another call."

Lucky Soldier Wins $1 Million

2008-02-28T20:17:00.000-08:00

What is a hero? This is a hero.

From ABC News:

After completing two tours in Iraq, Sgt. Wayne Leyde won $1 million from a scratch-and-win lotto ticket on Tuesday.

Now that he's won, Leyde, a 26-year-old member of the Washington National Guard, says he's still going to volunteer to go back to Iraq for a third tour and won't spend any of the money in the meantime.

Leyde was driving near his home in Mead, Washington when he stopped at a store on the side of the road and bought a ticket.

"I decided to walk into a local Zip Trip. I got a Coke and beef jerky and walked up to the counter and thought I'd pick up a few scratch tickets and try my luck. I was on my way out when the lady said, 'Do you have a lucky scratch coin?'
"I said 'no, you gave me a dime and nickel back.'"

"She said 'no, try this,'" handing Leyde a penny. "On my way home I started scratching tickets. They were losers. I'm thinking, boy, that lady didn't know what she was talking about."

Leyde couldn't believe it when he scratched a winning ticket, but he still plans to return to Iraq.

"It was a commitment I made about three months ago. I'm going to stick to it," Leyde said about his decision.

The sergeant says rents have gone sky high where he and his parents live in the Mount Spokane area of Washington and that, for now, he's not going to spend any of the money.

"For right now, I'm going to hold off [spending] and let reality sink back to earth. This is a true blessing. I'm going to turn it around and see if I can bless other people with this," Leyde said.

I would say to this man that your duty is done and he should enjoy his winnings and the rest of his life, knowing he served his country well. He wouldn't listen. Hero's rarely do.

Ohio school suspends boy over Mohawk

2008-02-27T20:54:00.000-08:00

Did I miss something? Did the US stop being a free country while I was sleeping?

A kindergarten student with a freshly spiked Mohawk has been suspended from school. Michelle Barile, the mother of 6-year-old Bryan Ruda, said nothing in the Parma Community School handbook prohibits the haircut, characterized by closely shaved sides with a strip of prominent hair on top. The school said the hair was a distraction for other students.

Kids in kindergarten are distracted by flashing lights, loud noises and movement as well. As a matter of fact, kids that age can't pay attention to anything for longer than ten minutes at a time. So you're going to deprive a child of arguably the most important grade-level education cause other kids can't stop staring at his head? Perhaps instead this would be a good time to teach the acceptance of something different from the norm and how, as human beings, we shouldn't judge or punish anyone a bit different than the rest of us. Great example you're setting. Morons.

"I understand they have a dress code. I understand he has a uniform. But this is total discrimination," she said. "They can't tell me how I can cut his hair."

Get this kid back in school. If his mom wants him to look like a 1980's punk rocker that's her right. He'll hate her later for it.

An administrator at the suburban Cleveland charter school first warned Barile last fall that the haircut wasn't acceptable. The school later sent another warning to her reiterating the ban.

It's a haircut. Loosen the fuck up.

Mohawks violate the school's policy on being properly groomed, school Principal Linda Geyer said.

Properly groomed by who's standards? I was unaware that Linda Geyer, school principal in Ohio was the leading expert in human grooming.

Rather than request a hearing to appeal the suspension, Barile said she'll enroll him at another school. Changing the hairstyle is not an option, she said. "It's something that he really likes," Barile said. "When people hear Mohawk, they think it's long, it's spiked, it's crazy looking, and it's really not."

There's no hope for the future when we all concentrate on this trival situations. Do you honestly think that these children won't experience distractions later on in life. Wouldn't this be a good time to teach them how to deal with distraction. Removal of distraction is rarely an option. You can't make problems go away, especially in adulthood. Usually because those distractions and problems are other people. And that's called murder. It's illegal. Isn't the entire purpose of education to prepare the young for adulthood. Instead, we shield the young from the reality of adulthood as long as we possibly can. This is why so many kids coming out of school are completely lost. In a few decades, the entire adult population of this country will not know how to deal with life in general. Good work everyone, we've kept them safe. For now.

Pet Sterilization Becomes Law in Los Angeles

2008-02-27T20:47:00.000-08:00

This is bad news if you're covered in fur.

Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa on Tuesday signed one of the nation's toughest laws on pet sterilization, requiring most dogs and cats to be spayed or neutered by the time they are 4 months old.

However, stupid people will still be allowed to breed uncontrollably.

The ordinance is aimed at reducing and eventually eliminating the thousands of euthanizations conducted in Los Angeles' animal shelters every year.

So make sure you spay your pets. Well, actually, get a vet to do it. Don't do it yourself. Trust me, it's not easy. And talk about messy.

"We will, sooner rather than later, become a no-kill city and this is the greatest step in that direction," Councilman Tony Cardenas said as he held a kitten at a City Hall news conference.

"That is, we won't be killing pets. Gang violence however will continue."

Councilman Richard Alarcon, who like Cardenas is a co-author of the bill, brought his two pet Chihuahuas to the event to be neutered in a van operated by the city.

Neuter-vans. That's...worrisome.

2 Stabbed During Horror Movie

2008-02-26T18:12:00.000-08:00

The 3-D movie experience has gotten out of control.

Two people were stabbed at a Fullerton, CA movie house during the screening of a horror film on Sunday night. Police are still seraching for the suspect.

Freddy? Jason? Michael Myers? Chucky? The suspects are endless.

The victims, who reportedly did not know each other, were sitting in separate areas of the same theater when they were attacked around 7:30 p.m. at the AMC Theater on Lemon St., Fullerton police Sgt. Eric Halverson said.

So no one saw the knife-weidling maniac running around the theater?

The stabbings took place approximately 45 minutes into the showing of "The Signal," an R-rated suspense/horror film. The suspect, who was described as a white male, fled out of one of the back doors, he said.

"Wow...it feels like I'm in the movie. Call 911."

One of the victims was hospitalized with a stab wound to the arm, which also punctured one of his lungs, but he was expected to survive, Schoen said. The other victim suffered a non-life threatening stab wound to the arm, he added.

Look, I don't play twenty bucks to see a movie and get fucking stabbed.

Police believe the attacker may be the same individual who had been kicked out of the theater that same day -- an intoxicated man who was very disruptive during a movie, Schoen said.

Way to keep the eye on the ball guys. This guy got back in the same fucking day?

Teen Shot During Snowball Fight Dies

2008-02-25T18:58:00.000-08:00

When I was a youngster, there was always that one kid, that one asshole, who put ice or rocks inside their snowballs to make them hurt so much more. We would yell at the whoever the prick was, send him home, punch him in the face. However, we never shot him. Cause it's just a snowball. Just a FUCKING snowball.

A Philadelphia teenager celebrating his 16th birthday was shot and killed over an errant snowball.

And as a species we are getting worse and worse. Maybe we should just let Global Warming do its thing. Seriously, is there any really, really good reasons for our species to continue? Think hard about that.

Authorities said the Feltonville teen, identified as Tavin Rutledge Wilson, was shot in the head at point-blank range while playing with neighborhood friends in the 4800 block of D Street on Sunday afternoon.

So now it's not safe to play in the snow anymore. Great. We all might as well be living in bomb shelters.

Witnesses say the shooting was sparked from a casual snowball fight amongst children.

I just don't know what else to say about this.

A friend of Tavin's, who was also involved in the playful snowball fight, said the shooting happened after a wayward snowball accidentally struck a nearby neighbor.

Police said the adult male became enraged and left the scene, returning moments later with a gun.

Witnesses say Tavin's effort to apologize to the man went unnoticed and the man pulled out a gun and began firing.

Family and friends celebrating Tavin's birthday heard gunshots and found him bleeding on the front porch.

"We ran outside and saw Tavin laying on the step," said the victim's friend Mercedes Lebron. "When I picked him up, smoke stared coming out of his head … He still was breathing and we told him keep breathing, calm down."

Tavin was rushed to Temple University hospital where he was taken off life-support. At 11:30 a.m. Monday, with his family by his side, Tavin passed away.

Everyone who knew Tavin, described as a well-liked boy, is trying to cope with the senseless shooting. "It was just a snowball fight," said neighbor Catherine Briggs.

Tavin's family is trying to remain strong in the wake of the senseless tragedy.

"He didn't get a chance to get married, he didn't get a chance to have children," Tavin's father Keith said.

Philadelphia police detectives said they are actively searching for the gunman who they believe is a resident of the same neighborhood.

I say when you find him, maybe it's not that important he goes to trial. Maybe he struggles a bit too much, maybe the world is better off not having to pay for this individual to rot in prison. Maybe.

Sunday Sign of Hope February 24th 2008

2008-02-24T21:13:00.000-08:00

Bali bomb maker Dulmatin found in shallow grave

From News.com.au:

THE terrorist who built the bombs used in the 2002 Bali atrocity is believed to have been killed in the Philippines.

The body of a man thought to be Indonesian bomb expert Dulmatin, one of those behind the Bali bombings, was recovered from a shallow grave in the island of Tawi-tawi, said Major General Ben Dolorfino.

He is believed to have built the devices used in the 2002 Bali atrocity, in which 202 people were killed including 88 Australians.

"As of now, we are conducting DNA test to confirm if it is really his body," said Dolorfino, adding that an informant had led them to the grave.

$5 million bounty

The US Government has offered a US$5 million bounty for Dulmatin, who has been hiding out in the southern Philippines with local militants for most of the past five years.

Dulmatin was reported to have been wounded in a clash with government troops in the south on January 31.

Urinary tract infections may come from pets

2008-02-23T21:32:00.000-08:00

This mean I shouldn't pee on my dog?

Picking up an E. coli bug from your pet might lead to a urinary tract infection, according to Minneapolis-based researchers.

Good thing I always submerge my dog in bleach before petting him.

"Sharing of E. coli strains among humans and pets within a household, including strains that can cause urinary tract infections, is extremely common," Dr. James R. Johnson told Reuters Health.

Damn dog making it hurt when I pee.

Johnson and his colleagues at the University of Minnesota investigated the extent to which E. coli strains were shared between humans and pets in 63 households. They identified 152 people, 48 dogs, 26 cats, and 2 other animals that had stool samples that tested positive for E. coli. Five of the humans had an acute urinary tract infection.

You guys have nothing better to do, do you?

Man Robbed Of $100K In Midtown Attack

2008-02-22T16:14:00.000-08:00

Walking around with that kind of cash on you is just asking for trouble.

A gunman dragged a man down a sidewalk, beating him with a pistol, after fighting over a black bag in front of a Starbucks cafe blocks from Central Park on Friday, police and witnesses said.

Sounds like someone knew what was in the black bag.

The victim, a man in his 50s, was hospitalized in stable condition after the attack, which happened just after 2 p.m. three blocks south of the park near Sixth Avenue and 56th Street. The New York Police Department said he may have been grazed by a bullet or pistol-whipped in the head; some witnesses said a gunman shot him in the street before fleeing.

I really want someone to explain to me why this man had $100K on him. I barely have 20 bucks in my wallet.

Based on preliminary information, it appeared as though the victim had just withdrawn tens of thousands of dollars from a nearby bank, a law enforcement source told WNBC.com.

I'd look over those bank videos.

Witnesses said they saw the two men fighting over a black duffel bag in front of the cafe. The younger man then dragged the victim -- who was clinging to the bag -- down the street, beating him in the head with the gun, witnesses said.

Just let go of the bag buddy. Is your life worth $100K? Well, yeah, it probably is, but either way, the guy with the gun is always going to win those physical struggles.

Police were searching a suspect they described as a man between 25 and 30 years old who was wearing a black parka, black pants is about five feet 9 inches tall.

That should narrow the search down. Just look for the idiot who pays for a new car out of his price range in cash in the next two-three days.

Pentagon Is Confident Missile Hit Satellite Tank

2008-02-21T19:26:00.000-08:00

I can rest easy now knowing that I'm safe from having a satellite fall on me. Now, how are we doing on that other danger, you know, terrorism?

Just hours after a Navy missile interceptor struck a dying spy satellite orbiting 130miles over the Pacific Ocean, a senior military officer expressed high confidence early Thursday that a tank filled with toxic rocket fuel had been breached.

The satellite is about the size of a school bus. If you hit a school bus with a missile, you're pretty much guarenteed to destroy the fuel tank. Now, I understand that a satellite is probably a lot stronger than a school bus since it has to be able to withstand the harshness of space but how strong are our missiles if we can hit this thing and wonder if we breached the fuel tank?

Video of the unusual operation showed the missile leaving a bright trail as it streaked toward the satellite, and then a flash, a fireball, a plume and a cloud as the interceptor, at a minimum, appeared to have found its target, a satellite that went dead shortly after being launched in 2006.

Perhaps when we launch something with toxic gas into outerspace we should make sure it's going to fucking work right. Just to avoid having to play real-life space invaders.

“We’re very confident that we hit the satellite,” said Gen. James E. Cartwright of the Marines, vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “We also have a high degree of confidence that we got the tank.”

Well, there was an explosion according to the video so if we didn't hit the satellite, what the fuck exploded?

Brain-Reading Headset to Sell for $299

2008-02-20T19:16:00.000-08:00

I'm not paying that much to have my brain read.

Hands cramping up from too many video games? How about controlling games with your thoughts instead? Later this year, Emotiv Systems Inc. plans to start selling the $299 EPOC neuroheadset to let you do just that.

Great, so the next time I'm trying to beat a frustrating level and I die for the twentieth time cause of some stupid little glitch in the game I'll get so mad my television will explode. I'll buy a brain-reader when it applies to everyday life instead of video games and I can make things move with my mind.

The headset's sensors are designed to detect conscious thoughts and expressions as well as "non-conscious emotions" by reading electrical signals around the brain, says the company, which demonstrated the wireless gadget at the Game Developers Conference in San Francisco.

I don't want anything reading my brain. Trust me, it ain't pretty in there. Last thing I need is for Donkey Kong to judge me.

The company, which unveiled a prototype last year, says the headset can detect emotions such as anger, excitement and tension, as well as facial expressions and cognitive actions like pushing and pulling objects.

I'm not plugging my brain into any video system unless it's pornographic. Umm...I think I went too far.

Kosovo's freedom is worth clash with Russia

2008-02-19T18:53:00.000-08:00

Says who?

Confrontation with Russia is a price worth paying for Kosovo's independence, a senior Western official said yesterday.

Can we please stop clashing with everybody at the same fucking time. Can't we space our clashes out a few years?

Kosovo's unilateral declaration of independence on Sunday has sparked major diplomatic divisions around the world, and sporadic violence in the Balkans.

Well, what can you expect? No country gains independence without bloodshed, struggle and diplomatic squabbling.

Serb nationalists destroyed two checkpoints on Kosovo's new border with Serbia yesterday, causing Nato troops to intervene for the first time since the split from Belgrade.

"Hey! Cut that out!"

But a senior diplomatic source in Pristina said that "Europe has stood up and been counted" by backing Kosovo's independence.

"Now we're going to sit back down and be quiet."

It had done so despite "Russian muscle flexing" as Moscow sought to maintain influence in the Balkans and support its key ally in the region, Serbia. The Western official said: "We wanted to do it [work towards Kosovo's independence] with Russian co-operation. But the Russians chose not to. But it is worth sorting out Kosovo even so."

World ain't doing so great lately huh. Congrats to Kosovo for declaring independence, and condolences for what's bound to fucking happen.

Illness forces Castro to quit after half a century in power

2008-02-19T18:45:00.000-08:00

Nothing lasts forever, except bad marriages, they go on for-fucking-ever.

Fidel Castro, leader of Cuba for almost half a century, stepped down as president yesterday in a move that raised the prospect of the opening-up one of the world's last communist states.

I'm interested in how this will play out in Cuba. Ok, you caught me, I couldn't care less.

Castro, 81, who has been in worsening health since July 2006, released a letter in the dead of night on the website of the official communist party newspaper Granma that announced his intention to end his long domination. Cubans awoke yesterday to find that the era that began near the start of the cold war was over.

Granma? I have a granma. I love her.

The announcement comes just days before Cuba's national assembly is due to meet to select a head of state and is expected to pave the way for Castro's brother Raúl to officially become the new leader. Raúl Castro, 76, has been the effective leader of Cuba since an acute infection in his brother's colon forced him to temporarily cede power. Raúl is the world's longest serving defence minister and is believed to have a firm grip on the armed forces and security apparatus.

Oh come on, at 76 years old, how firm a grip could he actually have?

Mysterious Creatures Found in Antarctica

2008-02-19T18:41:00.000-08:00

Penguins?

Scientists investigating the icy waters of Antarctica said Tuesday they have collected mysterious creatures including giant sea spiders and huge worms in the murky depths.

Cool.

Australian experts taking part in an international program to take a census of marine life in the ocean at the far south of the world collected specimens from up to 6,500 feet beneath the surface, and said many may never have been seen before.

Wonder who's going to be the first moron to accidentally discover they're venomous.

Some of the animals far under the sea grow to unusually large sizes, a phenomenon called gigantism that scientists still do not fully understand.

More room, lots of food, larger animals. Shit guys I didn't even go to college and I can make a guess-timate on that one.

"Gigantism is very common in Antarctic waters," Martin Riddle, the Australian Antarctic Division scientist who led the expedition, said in a statement.

It's also very popular amongts wealthy housewives and people in Texas.

Sunday Sign of Hope February 17th 2008

2008-02-17T20:10:00.000-08:00

Kitten Found After 25 Days in NYC Subway

From AP:

A skittish kitten that scampered out of its carrier on a subway platform has been found after 25 days in the underground tunnels.

Transit workers tracked down 6-month old Georgia under midtown Manhattan Saturday. Police reunited her with owner Ashley Phillips, a 24-year-old Bronx librarian.

After hearing that the black cat might have been spotted below Lexington Avenue and East 55th Street, track workers Mark Dalessio and Efrain LaPorte went through the area making "meow" sounds.

Georgia responded, and they found her cowering in a drain between two tracks.

Georgia had lost some weight and scratched her nose but was otherwise unhurt. She had disappeared while Phillips was bringing her home from a veterinarian visit last month.

U.S. vows to pay for damage caused by satellite

2008-02-16T21:39:00.000-08:00

But what if it hits me in the face?

The United States pledged on Friday to compensate countries if debris lands on their territory from a dying U.S. spy satellite that the Pentagon plans to shoot down.

"Here's $20 bucks, sorry about your house."

Ambassador Christina Rocca said that if efforts fail to strike the satellite with a missile while it is still in space, it was expected to make an "uncontrolled re-entry into the earth's atmosphere on or about March 6".

Mark the calendar and spend the day in your basement, under some bricks.

The satellite is carrying more than 1,000 pounds (454 kg) of hydrazine fuel, and could release much of it as a toxic gas, according to Deputy U.S. National Security Adviser James Jeffrey.

This is going to end badly, I feel it.

University shooter interested in 'peace, social justice'

2008-02-15T21:06:00.000-08:00

Wow, he kind of went the other way with that didn't he.

Northern Illinois University on Friday identified the man who fatally shot five people in a classroom as Steven P. Kazmierczak, whom police described as an award-winning student "revered" by colleagues and faculty.

Oh no, they have no music, movies, or video games to blame. No trenchcoats, no Islamic radicalism, not even just failing grades. Where are they going to point their finger now?

Kazmierczak, 27, who police said shot 21 people before shooting and killing himself, was an award-winning sociology student and a leader of a campus criminal justice group, according to school Web sites.

I guess sometimes you just can't keep the mask on long enough. If you relate to that, go get help. I did.

Concealing a shotgun in a guitar case, and tucking three other guns under his coat, Kazmierczak walked into a geology class in an NIU lecture hall Thursday afternoon and began firing, police said. The graduate student stopped to reload his shotgun before he took his own life, police said.

Well, he couldn't take his own life with an empty shotgun. Go on.

Kazmierczak was a student about 175 miles away at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, police said, and there "were no red flags" warning of any violent behavior.

How about the fact he had four weapons in his possession? They didn't magically appear in his coat and guitar case. Someone had to know he was holding these weapons. That always throws the red flag up for me.

Carter-Black and Chris Larrison -- another School of Social Work associate professor who knew Kazmierczak -- described the gunman as pleasant, considerate and flexible.

"He stopped by to shoot me but it wasn't a good time and he agreed to come back in ten and shoot me then."

He was lightening his course load so he could take on a position in the prison system, she said.

Guess he didn't want that position after all.

Deputies dump paralyzed man from wheelchair

2008-02-14T04:36:00.000-08:00

"You're blocking the fire exit!"

Four sheriff's deputies have been suspended after purposely tipping a paralyzed man out of his wheelchair onto a jailhouse floor, authorities said.

I can't wait to hear the explanation for this one.

Surveillance footage from Jan. 29 shows Hillsborough County Deputy Charlette Marshall-Jones, 44, dumping Brian Sterner out of his wheelchair and searching him on the floor after he was brought in on a warrant after a traffic violation.

Should he be driving?

Sterner, 32, said when he was taken into a booking room and told to stand up, Jones grew agitated when he told her that he could not.

Don't know if you've noticed officer, but that isn't a growth on his ass, it's a wheelchair, one of the first signs of a persons inability to stand up, hence the wheels.

"She was irked that I wasn't complying to what she was telling me to do," he told The Tampa Tribune in Tuesday's edition. "It didn't register with her that she was asking me to do something I can't do."

These are the people patroling our streets. Wonderful.

Sterner can drive a car but has not been able to walk since a 1994 wrestling accident. He has no feeling below his sternum and has partial use of his arms.

Then how the hell does he drive a car. I guess not too well, hence the traffic violation.

Jones has been suspended without pay, and Sgt. Gary Hinson, 51, Cpl. Steven Dickey, 45 and Cpl. Decondra Williams, 36 have also been placed on administrative leave pending an investigation, sheriff's spokeswoman Debbie Carter said.

You have to wonder what these people are thinking. I mean, they have to know they are on videotape in their own station. It's basic common sense that you just don't push someone out of a wheelchair in public. That's something best saved for private residences, dark alley's and stairwells.

"The actions are indefensible at every level," Chief Deputy Jose Docobo said. "Based on what I saw, anything short of dismissal would be inappropriate."

Agreed.

A woman who answered Jones' telephone said Jones was unavailable.

"She's out back throwing things at blind children."

Bahrainian Doctors Successfully Remove Nail From Man's Penis

2008-02-14T04:32:00.000-08:00

No, no, you're supposed to hold the nail steady with your HAND before hitting it with the hammer.

Doctors successfully removed a 2-inch nail from an Indian man’s genitals after he admitted himself to a hospital due to abdominal pain and the inability to speak, the Bahrain Gulf Daily News reported Wednesday.

Yup, a nail in the penis will leave you speechless.

An X-ray of the man, who was not identified, showed the nail lodged in his urethra. The victim claimed that the nail had been inserted by a gang of thieves who attacked and robbed him three days earlier, the paper reported.

"For the love of God just take the wallet!"
And I would question why it took him three fucking days to get looked at after some guys shoved a nail in his penis but I guess if that happened to me I'd be slow moving too.

To make matters worse...

Doubt it can get worse.

Dr. Ashwani Narang told the paper that the victim, who was an illegal worker, could face deportation.

Nope, not worse than a nail in the penis.

Hezbollah's Moughniyah killed in Syria blast

2008-02-13T02:14:00.000-08:00

In case you don't know, this is Imad Moughniyah, who has been wanted by the United States and about 39 other countries for years. He's a bad, bad man. Well, not anymore.

Lebanese group Hezbollah says one of its leaders, Imad Mughniyeh, has been killed in a bombing in Damascus, and blamed Israel for assassinating him.

Mughniyeh is widely believed to be behind a wave of Western hostage-taking in Lebanon in the 1980s.

Correspondents say he had been in hiding for years and was high on US and Israeli wanted lists.

There has been not been any word about the incident from either the Syrian or Israeli governments.

Syrian police kept media and other onlookers well away from the scene of the blast in the well-to-do Kafar Soussa district.

"Scores of police and intelligence officers rushed to the site. People in the neighbourhood are shocked. We are not used to such things in Syria," said one resident quoted by Reuters news agency.

"We saw security officers hauling the body away," said one witnesses quoted by Reuters news agency.

Damascus has witnessed a number of bomb attacks in recent years, some blamed on Israel and others on Islamic militants.

Mughniyeh was among several suspects indicted in the US for the 1985 hijacking of a TWA airliner in which a US Navy diver was killed.

Hezbollah-owned Manar TV in Beirut announced the death saying: "With all pride we declare a great jihadist leader of the Islamic resistance in Lebanon joining the martyrs... the brother commander hajj Imad Mughniyeh".

Hours after the blast, Syrian state TV confirmed one person had been killed in a car bombing, but did not identify the victim.

Climate change may kill thousands in UK by 2017

2008-02-12T20:00:00.000-08:00

Well, good luck over there.

There is a 25 percent chance that a severe heat wave will strike England and kill more than 6,000 people before 2017 if no action is taken to deal with the health effects of climate change, a report said on Tuesday.

Shake me when the possiblity reaches around 50 percent. And start stocking up on water around 2010, mark the calendar.

The report for Britain's Department of Health estimated more than 3,000 people could die in an intense summer hot spell in southeast England, with just as many more dying from heat-related deaths over the summer.

Panic!

Until 2012, when London stages the summer Olympic Games, the odds of thousands dying in summer heat each year will be 1 in 40, the report said, and thousands more could die each year as a result of other effects of global warming and air pollution.

I got ten bucks that says nowhere near 1,000 people die over the next few summers in the UK. Sorry for being skeptical but I just can't trust these "reports" when they can't even get the weather right on a day by day basis.

Amazing moment the world's biggest Christ was struck by lightning

2008-02-12T19:57:00.000-08:00

He must not be a fan of our work.

The world's largest statue of Jesus was hit by lightning. The bolt parted the thunderclouds over Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, to strike Christ the Redeemer.

Amaziningly, he recovered.

Military Prosecutors Will Seek Death for Sept. 11 Suspects

2008-02-11T16:20:00.000-08:00

Is there anyway I can help?

The Pentagon announced today that it has charged six detainees at the Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, military prison with conspiring to carry out the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks and that military prosecutors will seek the death penalty for each.

Hear that? Sounds like justice rolling down the hill.

In a news conference, Air Force Brig. Gen. Thomas W. Hartmann, a Defense Department legal adviser, said the six, including alleged Sept. 11 mastermind Khalid Sheik Mohammed, are charged with conspiracy, murder in violation of the law of war, attacking civilians and terrorism, among other offenses. He said a charge sheet details 169 overt acts alleged to have been committed by the defendants and uncharged co-conspirators in furtherance of the Sept. 11 plot.

While this news sure does give me a warm fuzzy, I'm not celebrating until all the al-qaeda leaders (ahem...bin Laden and Zawahiri to start) are either sitting in a cell awaiting judgment by the AMERICAN legal system or are blown into little tiny bits of Islamic radicals (which stain by the way). Then I'll be happy. Although, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has overstayed his welcome on this planet by about five years now.

Here's the other five awaiting a firing squad (hopefully, but probably just get a needle in the butt which is too painless for these people):

The other men facing charges for the Sept. 11 plot are Walid Muhammad bin Attash, Ramzi Binalshibh, Ali Abdul Aziz Ali, Mustafa Ahmed al-Hawsawi and Mohammed al-Qahtani.

Sunday Sign of Hope February 10th 2008

2008-02-10T17:33:00.000-08:00

Al-Qaeda leaders admit: 'We are in crisis. There is panic and fear'

From Times Online:

Al-Qaeda in Iraq faces an “extraordinary crisis”. Last year's mass defection of ordinary Sunnis from al-Qaeda to the US military “created panic, fear and the unwillingness to fight”. The terrorist group's security structure suffered “total collapse”.

These are the words not of al-Qaeda's enemies but of one of its own leaders in Anbar province — once the group's stronghold. They were set down last summer in a 39-page letter seized during a US raid on an al-Qaeda base near Samarra in November.

The US military released extracts from that letter yesterday along with a second seized in another November raid that is almost as startling.

That second document is a bitter 16-page testament written last October by a local al-Qaeda leader near Balad, north of Baghdad. “I am Abu-Tariq, emir of the al-Layin and al-Mashahdah sector,” the author begins. He goes on to describe how his force of 600 shrank to fewer than 20.

“We were mistreated, cheated and betrayed by some of our brothers,” he says. “Those people were nothing but hypocrites, liars and traitors and were waiting for the right moment to switch sides with whoever pays them most.”

Assuming the two documents are authentic — and the US military insists that they are — they provide a rare insight into an organisation thrown into turmoil by the rise of the Awakening movement. More than 80,000 Sunnis have joined the tribal groups of “concerned local citizens” [CLCs] that have helped to eject al-Qaeda from swaths of western and northern Iraq, including much of Baghdad.

US intelligence officials cautioned, however, that the documents were snapshots of two small areas and that al-Qaeda was far from a spent force.

They said that while the number of car bombs had fallen over the past year, the organisation had doubled its attacks on CLC members since October. More than 20 people were killed last night when a suicide car bomber attacked a checkpoint near Balad.

Al-Qaeda gunmen stormed a compound of an “Awakening” group in Iraq's northern Nineveh province yesterday, the US military said. Among those killed in the fighting were 10 suspected Al-Qaeda in Iraq fighters.

The Anbar letter conceded that the “crusaders” — Americans — had gained the upper hand by persuading ordinary Sunnis that al-Qaeda was responsible for their suffering and by exploiting their poverty to entice them into the security forces. Al-Qaeda's “Islamic State of Iraq is faced with an extraordinary crisis, especially in al-Anbar”, the unnamed emir admitted.

In an apparent reference to al-Qaeda's brutal tactics, he said of the Americans and their Sunni allies: “We helped them to unite against us . . . The Americans and the apostates launched their campaigns against us and we found ourselves in a circle not being able to move, organise or conduct our operations.”

He said of the loss of Anbar province: “This created weakness and psychological defeat. This also created panic, fear and the unwillingness to fight. The morale of the fighters went down . . . There was a total collapse in the security structure of the organisation.” The emir complained that the supply of foreign fighters had dwindled and that they found it increasingly hard to operate inside Iraq because they could not blend in. Foreign suicide bombers determined to kill “not less than 20 or 30 infidels” grew disillusioned because they were kept hanging about and only given small operations. Some gave up and went home.

Finally the emir recommended rewards for killing apostates, using doctors to kill infidels and offering gifts to tribal leaders. He said al-Qaeda's fighters should be sent to more promising areas such as Diyala province or Baghdad — which is exactly what happened.

Rear-Admiral Gregory Smith, the US military spokesman in Baghdad, called Abu-Tariq's testament a “woe-is-me kind of document”. It calls the Sunnis who switched sides a “cancer in the body of al-Jihad movement”, and declares: “We should have no mercy on them.”

The author lists those who have made off with al-Qaeda weapons or money, describes the group's arsenal, including C5 rockets, which are used against helicopters, and records the fate of the battalions under his command.

Most of the first battalion's fighters “betrayed us and joined al-Sahwah [the Awakening]”, he says. The leader of the second ran away and all but two of its 300 fighters joined the Awakening. The activities of the third were “frozen due to their present conditions”. Of the fourth he writes: “Most of its members are scoundrels, sectarians, non-believers”.

He lists 38 people still working for him but beside five names he has written comments like “We have not seen him for twenty days” or “left us a week ago”. He concludes, wistfully: “And that is the number of fighters left in my sector.”

Mayor kicks Marines out of Toledo

2008-02-09T19:00:00.000-08:00

You should just shoot him.

Mayor Carty Finkbeiner on Friday ordered some 200 members of Company A, 1st Battalion, 24th Marines from Grand Rapids, Michigan, out of Toledo just before the unit was suppose to start a weekend of urban warfare training downtown.

I guess the "I Support The Troops" fad is over.

The mayor’s spokesperson Brian Schwartz said, “the mayor asked them to leave because they frighten people. He did not want them practicing and drilling in a highly visible area."

We don't want to see what you do, we just want to read about it through a bias opinion-piece in the papers.

Toledo police said they knew about the training and had approved the unit’s use of the Madison Building and the Promenade Park area. The training was scheduled to start Friday afternoon and last until Sunday. Police said the unit’s presence would have a minimal impact on the city. Police issued a press release earlier in the week saying the marines would be wearing green camouflage uniforms, operate military vehicles, carry rifles, perform foot patrols, and fire blank ammunitiion during the exercise.

I'm all for allowing the troops of our nation to practice wherever they like. I fear sometimes that the populations displeasure with an un-popular war (which is an oxymoron by the way cause since when was war popular?) and decisions by our administration leads to a mislead aggression against the troops that put their lives on the line to protect and serve our country.

NBC24 spoke to Jack Smith who recalled that after the marines last visit, he and the mayor had a heated exchange about the training. “He told me he did not want them, as he put it, 'playing war in Toledo,'" Smith recalled. "I told him, as a former marine, that if one young marine’s life is saved because of training he or she received in Toledo, Ohio, then it was worth the inconvenience.”

Nothing's more "inconvenient" than dropping your daily life, flying halfway around the globe to get shot at. Think maybe the nice people of Toledo could stand a few fucking detours for a weekend?

Bhutto killed by blast, not a bullet, Scotland Yard concludes

2008-02-08T21:17:00.000-08:00

Does it really matter?

Scotland Yard waded into the controversy around Benazir Bhutto's death yesterday when it released a report supporting the official explanation of how the opposition leader was killed.

Just what the west needs, another reason for the Islamic world to be mad at us.

After a month-long investigation based largely on x-rays and video evidence, British investigators concluded that Bhutto was killed by a bomb blast and not, as is widely believed in Pakistan, by an assassin's bullet.

So we've changed the cause of death for murder by gunshot to murder by bomb blast. Good, now, how about finding out who did it? Or, actually, I think we all know who did it, how about just finding them?

But their findings were rejected by Bhutto's party, the Pakistan People's party, which insists that Bhutto was felled by gunfire as she stood in her bulletproof jeep after a rally in Rawalpindi on December 27. "She died from a bullet injury. This was and is our position," said spokeswoman Sherry Rehman.

After all, they would know, with all their high-tech scientific equipment and foresic expertise.

A lawyers' leader, Aitzaz Ahsan, said the report could only be "speculative" because the crime scene had been scrubbed clean by officials within hours of her death.

Sounds like a shitty job.

Police Swabbing Mouths During Traffic Stops In Serial Killer Hunt

2008-02-07T18:42:00.000-08:00

You can have my license and registration but you're not putting anything into my mouth.

Police officers in Daytona Beach are swabbing the mouths of persons of interests during traffic stops with special DNA kits in the hunt for an elusive serial killer, sources close to the investigation told Local 6.

"Look, officer, I'm sorry I have a taillight out but do you really need to run my DNA through a database?"

Investigators said they believe the same man has killed four women execution style in the Daytona Beach area.A profiler said the serial killer is likely clean cut and probably has a wife or girlfriend.

That's probably what drove him to kill in the first place.

And, the Daytona Beach police Chief, Mike Chitwood, said detectives have the killer's DNA. "Genetically, we know who he is," Chitwood said. "We have DNA evidence from the murder scenes -- so, we got that. That is never going to go away. And, sooner or later, we will match the DNA to the physical person and bring closure to everything that is going on."

While people may say that this procedure is justified in order to get a serial killer off the streets, it's what this could lead to that bothers me. I don't want someone knocking on my door and shoving a cottonball into my mouth everytime some nutcase decides to strangle a prostitute.

Nato members likely to ignore pleas to share burden in Afghanistan

2008-02-06T18:11:00.000-08:00

Cause that's what the West does best, comes together to accomplish a universal goal.

Nato defence ministers meeting today are not expected to offer any more troops for Afghanistan, despite a plea from military commanders for another 7,500 soldiers, alliance sources said yesterday.

Cause during war, people can get hurt, and we can't have that.

The gloomy prediction on the eve of an informal session of the defence ministers in Vilnius, capital of Lithuania, pre-empted appeals yesterday from Gordon Brown and Condoleezza Rice, the American Secretary of State, for other Nato countries to share more of the burden in Afghanistan.

I know much of the world views the war in Afghanistan as an American war. It's not. Unfortunately people won't realize that until something really, really shitty happens. Make no mistake people, they hate America, but they hate you just as much.

Only a small number of nations had troops in the most dangerous parts of Afghanistan, she said. “We believe very strongly there ought to be a sharing of that burden throughout the alliance.” Rice said.

It's going to take a few years but eventually everything is going to boil down to two sides. Unity will win the day. The enemy is unified in its hatred for the west. What's it going to take to get us unified?

Chadian President Says Govt. in 'Total Control' After Rebel Assault

2008-02-06T18:01:00.000-08:00

If you were in 'Total Control' you wouldn't have had a rebel assault in the first place now would you?

Chad's President Idriss Deby says his government is in" total control" of the entire country after an assault by rebels on the capital, N'Djamena, that left more than 100civilians dead.

"Oh everything's fine."

Mr. Deby made the comment Wednesday in his first public appearance since the rebel assault began late last week.

"I just got out of bunker a few miles underground. Everything is under control."

An exiled Chadian rebel spokesman, Makaila Nguebla, says the insurgents are 30 kilometers outside the capital and could carry out new attacks over the next days.
"I, however, am as far away from the capital as possible. Hey, you can't expect a rebel spokesman to get involved in the fighting. I might get hurt. My job is to simply have a goal that OTHER people die for."

Middle school issues ban on intentional flatulence

2008-02-04T20:12:00.000-08:00

If you fart, it better be completely accidental. So we're now dishing out punsihments for natural human functions huh. We're circling the drain people, circling the fucking drain.

The Merriam Webster Dictionary definition for flatulence is brief: "flatus expelled through the anus." And while it's a natural bodily function, it seems some Camden-Rockport Middle School eighth-grade boys are taking it to new heights and making a game of seeing who can expel the loudest and grossest flatus.

And soon our children will just start throwing poo at each other. Has anyone ever really wondered whether humans EVOLVED into apes instead of the other way around?

According to this week's Fire Cracker school newsletter though, the joke's on the boys as the penalty for "intentional farting" is now a detention.

Intentional farting. Every time I fart it's intentional. Has anyone ever farted without knowing it was coming? And how do you prove an intentional fart? Let the kids play their game. Sooner or later one of them is going to think to himself, "oh, I got the game-winning fart on deck" and he's going to give it a push and he's going to shit his pants. Games over.

"Strange, but true, thanks to a bunch of 8th grade boys, intentional farting has been banned from CRMS," the newsletter said. "It started out as a funny joke and eventually turned into a game. This is the first rule at CRMS that prevents the use of natural bodily functions. The penalty for intentional farting is a detention, so keep it to yourself!"

When I was in 8th grade I was embarassed to fart in class. It's good to see that kids have no shame these days. Seems like it's taking the newer generations longer and longer to mature. I'm glad I'm going to be dead in fifty-so years, I really am. I don't know how much more of this I can take before I wind up on a water tower with a sniper rifle.

According to a group of seventh-grade students milling around downtown following Friday's storm-related early release, the eighth-graders' escapades are well known in the school. "They would do it in science class and other places," said Jordan Tyler. "It's a natural occurrence and we all do it 16 times a day."

16 times a day huh? Looks like I'm winning then.

When questioned where he learned that information, Tyler and the other students all said it was true, though they couldn't remember where they heard it.

In the past I've been criticized for calling teenagers stupid. I rest my case. Where's the dog crate...

Sunday Sign of Hope February 3rd 2008

2008-02-03T20:32:00.000-08:00

Giants Stun 'Perfect' Pats in Super Bowl

Hey, I'm a New Yorker. From Breitbart.com:

The Giants had the perfect answer for the suddenly imperfect Patriots: a big, bad defense and an improbable comeback led by their own Mr. Cool quarterback, Eli Manning. In one of football's biggest shockers, New York shattered New England's unbeaten season as Manning hit Plaxico Burress on a 13-yard fade with 35 seconds left in the Super Bowl.

Sunday's 17-14 win was the Giants' 11th straight on the road, and the first time the Patriots tasted defeat in more than a year.

It was the most bitter of losses, too, because New England (18-1) was one play from winning, but its defense couldn't stop a 12-play, 83- yard drive that featured a spectacular leaping catch by David Tyree, who scored New York's first touchdown.

Tom Brady, the league's Most Valuable Player and winner of his first three Super Bowls, was battered all game. He was sacked five times, hurried a dozen more, and at one point wound up on his knees, his hands on his hips following one of many poor throws.

Hardly a familiar position for the record-setting quarterback. And a totally strange outcome for a team that seemed destined for historic glory.

Oddly, it was a loss to the Patriots that sparked New York's stunning run to its third Super Bowl and sixth NFL title. New England won 38-35 in Week 17 as the Patriots became the first team since the 1972 Miami Dolphins to go spotless through the regular season. But by playing hard in a meaningless game for them, the Giants gained something of a swagger.

Their growing confidence carried them through playoff victories at Tampa, Dallas and Green Bay, and then past the mightiest opponent of all.

Fireworks Explosion in Istanbul Kills 22

2008-02-02T18:10:00.000-08:00

What a finale!

An unlicensed fireworks factory here exploded accidentally, leaving at least 22 people dead and at least 100 injured, Turkish officials said Thursday.

Do unlicensed firework factories ever explode on purpose?

The building that housed the unlicensed factory, in Davutpasa, an industrial neighborhood, partly collapsed.

Hey, if it only partly collapsed after exploding, that's some strong architecture.

Many victims were crushed to death when some floors collapsed.

You mean ceilings. Can't be crushed by a floor, unless the floor is over you, therefore making it a ceiling.

“It’s certain that the explosion was related to a sparkler, torch or fireworks,” Mr. Guler said.

You're probably right. Fire probably had a hand in this explosion.

As many as eight victims were bystanders watching the fire from the first blast, when a second one occurred, killing them, Agence France-Presse reported.

So what have we learned? When there is an explosion, you should move away. Far away. This isn't rocket science people, although, bottle rockets were involved.

Women tricked into suicide blasts

2008-02-01T14:48:00.000-08:00

Don't listen when they tell you suicide vests are all the rage this summer.

Two women suicide bombers who have killed nearly 80 people in Baghdad were Down's Syndrome victims exploited by al Qaida.

So, all you out there that believe the US is responisble for torture and human rights violations when we waterboard someone, speak up now. Come on, I'm listening. Where's the outrage? Where's the claims that these are really "Iraqi freedom fighters"? Tell me again why the US is wrong in targeting these "insurgents". I ask you, what do you call someone who straps explosives onto the mentally disabled and blows them up in a pet market in order to kill civilians? Insurgents? Freedom fighters? Terrorists? Nope, there is no word strong enough to describe these monsters.

The explosives were detonated by remote control in a co-ordinated attack after the women walked into separate crowded markets, said the chief Iraqi military spokesman in Baghdad General Qassim al-Moussawi.

Lions of Islam. That's what al-qaeda calls itself. Lions.

Other officials said the women were apparently unaware of what they were doing in what could be a new method by suspected Sunni insurgents to subvert toughened security measures.

So someone please tell me how this is an insurgency fighting to expel a foreign occupier from their land. In what way does this help to accomplish that goal. It doesn't. This is murder, inhumane and barbaric homicide. The only way to deal with people like this is to kill them. Arguements? Didn't think so.

Sources: Al Qaeda's No. 3 man killed

2008-01-31T16:50:00.000-08:00

Being the #3 guy in al-qaeda sucks. They're like the black guys in the horror movies.

A senior al Qaeda terrorist who allegedly plotted and carried out attacks against U.S. and coalition forces was killed in Pakistan, a knowledgeable Western official and a military source told CNN Thursday.

Bye-bye then.

He was identified as Abu Laith al-Libi, 41, who was on the military's most wanted list.

Better get the red pen cause he's off the list now.

Al-Libi was thought to have been involved in the February 2007 bombing at Bagram Air Base in Afghanistan while Vice President Dick Cheney was visiting.

One of these days it would be nice if it were bin Laden or Zawahiri on the other end of one of these missiles. We seem to be killing the al-qaeda equivilant of the fucking mail room guy over and over again.

Genetic mutation makes those brown eyes blue

2008-01-31T16:44:00.000-08:00

My girlfriends a mutant. I knew it.

People with blue eyes have a single, common ancestor, according to new research.

Does this mean she's inbreed? Both her parents have blue eyes.

A team of scientists has tracked down a genetic mutation that leads to blue eyes. The mutation occurred between 6,000 and 10,000 years ago, so before then, there were no blue eyes.

I have brown eyes. I'm normal. I've been trying my whole life to explain that to people.

"Originally, we all had brown eyes," said Hans Eiberg from the Department of Cellular and Molecular Medicine at the University of Copenhagen.

Well as far as mutations go this one is alright with me. I love my girlfriend's blue eyes. So very pretty. I wonder if they know anything about a third testicle. Not saying I have a third testicle, just saying I've heard...well...I have a friend who...my parents are related aren't they.

Pilot restrained after 'talking to God' on flight to Heathrow

2008-01-30T23:36:00.000-08:00

"Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I just want you to sit back, relax and enjoy the flight. I have the Lord in my right pocket, a Unicorn in my left and soon a gnome will be getting you your drinks. I'm a Leprechaun! I'm a Leprechaun!"

The co-pilot of a Heathrow-bound passenger flight had to be dragged from the cockpit and handcuffed after suffering an apparent mental breakdown in mid-air, it emerged yesterday.

And that's when I panic. Yup, panic away I think.

Passengers on the Air Canada flight from Toronto to London said the co-pilot was restrained after yelling and "invoking God" while at the controls of the Boeing 767 plane more than 30,000 feet above the Atlantic.

I think if I heard the pilot yelling for God in the cockpit of the plane I would start crying. Yes, and doing very unpleasant things in my pants.

The flight was forced to make an emergency diversion to Ireland's Shannon airport early on Monday and the unnamed crew member was taken to a nearby psychiatric unit.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will be making a quick stop in Ireland. We need to drop the co-pilot off at the looney bin cause he's going ape-shit in here."

Sean Finucane, one of 146 passengers on board, said the co-pilot was carried into the cabin with his hands and ankles cuffed after he was restrained by cabin crew and a passenger, reported to be an off-duty Canadian soldier.

"Umm, excuse me stewardess? Is everything...alright?"

The crew member was then handcuffed to a seat as his captain requested permission to land from Irish air traffic authorities. "He was very, very distraught. He was yelling loudly," Finucane told Canadian broadcaster CBC. "His voice was clear, he didn't sound like he was drunk or anything, but he was swearing and asking for God. He specifically said he wants to talk to God."

God couldn't be reached for comment.

Woman Put Grandson In Dog Crate

2008-01-30T23:21:00.000-08:00

The dog got the bed.

A Washington County woman is accused of locking her 10-year-old grandson in a feces-filled dog crate for about 90 minutes.

That's a long time to be in time-out.

Police said 51-year-old Rhonda Lehman, of Washington, put the boy in the crate Saturday because the boy laced the family's drinks with lamp oil and household cleaner called "Bam."

Whoa, so how are you supposed to punish a child for attempting to kill the family? She would have been arrested for beating the shit out of him too. Somehow sending him to bed without dinner just doesn't fit the crime here. You have to get inventive when a child attempts homicide.

Lehman has custody of the boy, who told police he did it because "he was angry because he didn't get to go on a trip" last year, said Washington police Officer James Markley. It is possible the boy had been spiking the drinks for a while, authorities said. Family members became sick, but were not hospitalized.

If my daughter spiked my drink with household cleaners she would be lucky to only wind up in a dog crate for an hour and a half.

Police said Lehman also told a county agency if someone didn't come for the boy, she would bury him alive in the back yard.

Nope, now that is just crazy.

Lehman was charged with child endangerment and making terroristic threats.

Where's the "people endangerment" charge for the little shit though. I'm not condoning the actions of the grandmother but in this day and age, with the taboo-ness of physically disciplining your children, how are you suppose to respond when a young child does something of this magnitude? Think about it. This child has lost any sense of other people's well-being. Because of a spoiled little attitude regarding a missed trip, he has decided to put people's lives in danger. What if the household cleaner was Drain-O? What if it was highly toxic? How do you discipline? I'm sorry all you out there that don't agree with spanking but I believe in the idea of making a child associate certain actions with the dishing out of pain. It's how most in the animal kingdom learn and sometimes, it's a matter of life and death. I'd rather send my daughter to her room with a sore bottom than check into the hospital because my insides are being eaten away by bleach.

The boy's 24-year-old brother, Michael McCreery, is charged with punching the youngster. "When I asked the brother, I said, 'Why would you punch a 10-year-old in the eye?' he said, 'It's better than what I wanted to do to him,"' Markley said.

Damn right.

Markley said the defendants told authorities they don't believe they did anything wrong. "They were very calm, like this was nothing," Markley sai

He tried to poison the family. Don't think for a second a ten-year old doesn't understand what he was doing. He knows. He may not be able to grasp the concept of life and death just yet but that wouldn't make his family any less deader.

The 10-year-old is now in the county's Children and Youth Services, which is treating him for mental health issues, authorities said.

And another wonderful American family makes the newspapers. I'm going to go hug my daughter...and make myself a drink.

Bicyclist tased when he runs for minor infraction

2008-01-30T23:14:00.000-08:00

Don't run from the police. They have gadgets and stuff that makes that painful.

A man riding a bicycle with improper lighting equipment was shot with a Taser stun gun Wednesday night as he ran from a deputy who tried to stop him for the infraction.

"Hey I got an idea officer, let's both completely overreact to this situation!"

After repeated attempts, Glenn County sheriff's deputy Cale Smith said he finally got the attention of the rider on Sierra Street, who jumped from the bike and began running.

You can see he thought this through.
"Quick, out of the getaway car, we're slower on foot!"

After a half-block chase and several warnings from Smith that he would use the Taser, he did.

"You like this, don't you sir."

Sgt. Scott James said only one probe struck the man, identified as Omar Herrada Rivera, 39, and he received no shock.

Sounds like someone might have done something a little worse than improper lighting on a bike.

Rivera was transported to Glenn Medical Center, where he was cleared for booking into the Glenn County Jail on suspicion of resisting arrest, riding a bicycle without proper lighting, riding under the influence of alcohol and use of false citizenship/government documents.

Ah, and it all comes together at the end. Tie the bow.

Scientists discover way to reverse loss of memory

2008-01-29T21:17:00.000-08:00

Finally I'll be able to find my fucking car keys in the morning.

Scientists performing experimental brain surgery on a man aged 50 have stumbled across a mechanism that could unlock how memory works.

I don't like the terms "stumbled" and "brain surgery" in the same sentence.

The accidental breakthrough came during an experiment originally intended to suppress the obese man's appetite, using the increasingly successful technique of deep-brain stimulation.

Just stop going to McDonalds fatty. All this scientific research in order to avoid the hard work it takes to lose weight. You know, there's something to be said about achieving a goal without having brain surgery or stomach surgery or any other form of cutting yourself open.

Electrodes were pushed into the man's brain and stimulated with an electric current.

I can do that at home in my bath tub.

Instead of losing appetite, the patient instead had an intense experience of déjà vu.

"I've had people playing with my brain before."

He recalled, in intricate detail, a scene from 30 years earlier.

"I had just been dumped by my girlfriend and my car broke down so I sat down and ate an entire turkey diner to myself and I...wait a minute..."

More tests showed his ability to learn was dramatically improved when the current was switched on and his brain stimulated.

He also pissed himself and moved a toaster with his mind.

Sunday Sign of Hope January 27th 2008

2008-01-27T17:35:00.000-08:00

US military says wanted militant killed in Pakistan

This guy was one of 12 wanted Taliban and al-qaeda militants featured on a poster released by the US military offering rewards for their captures or deaths. Now there's only 11. Always a good thing. From AFP:

The US military in Afghanistan said Saturday that a Taliban-linked militant leader wanted by Washington had been killed in neighbouring Pakistan.

Darim Sedgai was ambushed by unknown gunmen on January 16 and died of his wounds, the military said in a statement.

The military described him as a "powerful commander" linked to a top Taliban leader, Siraj Haqqani, but did not provide any further details of the incident.

The US military here reportedly announced a 50,000-dollar bounty for Sedgai in October last year, saying he was wanted for his ties to Taliban and Al-Qaeda militant groups.

Sedgai was the third rebel commander in Haqqani's network to die in recent months, the statement said.

Haqqani, the son of famous anti-Russian commander Jalaluddin Haqqani, joined the Taliban during their advance towards Kabul in 1996 and is their top commander in eastern Afghanistan. He has a 200,000 dollar bounty on his head.

An alliance of Afghan opposition groups and US-led forces overthrew the 1996-2001 Taliban regime when it did not surrender Al-Qaeda leaders after the 9/11 attacks on the United States.

Taliban militants have since been waging an increasingly bloody insurgency aimed at toppling the US-backed government of President Hamid Karzai, which is supported by more than 60,000 foreign troops.

Afghan and Western officials say Taliban and Al-Qaeda-linked rebels have bases in the rugged Pakistani tribal areas along the border.

Pakistani troops are battling rebels along the frontier and have launched a major operation in the tribal stronghold of an Al-Qaeda-linked militant blamed for the assassination of opposition leader Benazir Bhutto.

Defunct Spy Satellite Falling From Orbit

2008-01-26T20:09:00.000-08:00

Should I get out of the way or what?

A large U.S. spy satellite has lost power and propulsion and could hit the Earth in late February or March, government officials said Saturday.

Maybe we'll get lucky and it'll land on Bin Laden.

The satellite, which no longer be controlled, could contain hazardous materials, and it is unknown where on the planet it might come down, they said. The officials spoke on condition of anonymity because the information is classified as secret.

Could contain hazardous materials? Why don't you just ask the people who built it whether or not they put any hazardous materials in it?

"Appropriate government agencies are monitoring the situation," said Gordon Johndroe, a spokesman for the National Security Council.

So if you get a call from NASA saying "Get the fuck out of the house!" you should consider it.

"Numerous satellites over the years have come out of orbit and fallen harmlessly. We are looking at potential options to mitigate any possible damage this satellite may cause."

It'll probably hit a trailer somewhere in Kansas. It always does.

He would not comment on whether it is possible for the satellite to be perhaps shot down by a missile. He said it would be inappropriate to discuss any specifics at this time.

Sure, let's shoot at it. That way, when we miss, the satellite will crash into the suburbs somewhere in Texas and the missile will sail off into Europe. Good idea.

A senior government official said that lawmakers and other nations are being kept apprised of the situation.

Well, what goes up must come down. Shame it's coming down like a eight-ton fucking dart. Good luck everybody.

Iraq ready for "final" battle with al Qaeda

2008-01-25T21:29:00.000-08:00

They beat us to it.

Iraqi security forces have begun a "decisive" final offensive against al Qaeda in Iraq to push the Sunni Islamist militants out of their last major stronghold in the north, Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki said on Friday.

Assuming all goes as planned, what happens next?

He said Iraqi soldiers and police were being sent to Mosul, where a massive blast blamed on al Qaeda killed 40 people and wounded 220 on Wednesday, and an operations room had been set up in the city, 390 km north of Baghdad.

I'm left to wonder why we constantly announce these "operations". What ever happened to the element of surprise?

U.S. military commanders say Al-Qaeda, blamed for most big bombings in Iraq, has regrouped in the northern provinces after being squeezed out of western Anbar province and from around Baghdad during security crackdowns last year.

They're on the ropes. Finish 'em off guys.

They describe Mosul, capital of Nineveh province, as al Qaeda's last major urban stronghold in Iraq.

Good luck and God bless. Come home safe. The US and Iraqi forces that is, not al-qaeda.

Suicide bomber falls down stairs

2008-01-24T13:27:00.000-08:00

I hope he didn't hurt himself.

A WOULD-be suicide bomber fell down a flight of stairs and blew himself up as he headed out for an attack in Afghanistan, police say.

Looks like Allah has a sense of humor.

It was the second such incident in two days, with another man killing himself and three others on Tuesday when his bomb-filled waistcoat exploded as he was putting it on in the southern town of Lashkar Gah.

You just can't get suicide vests like you used to any more.

Yesterday's blast was in a busy market area of the eastern town of Khost, a deputy provincial police chief said.

I can't stop laughing. You ever see someone fall down some stairs? It's the funniest thing you could ever witness. I've seen many people take a good old-fashioned tumble down some stairs but they never exploded after the fall. That's just awesome.

The would-be attacker tripped as he was leaving a building apparently to target an opening ceremony for a mosque that was expected to be attended by Afghan and international military officials, said Sakhi Mir.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Jim Carey of al-qaeda.

"Coming down the stairs, he fell down and exploded. Two civilian women and a man were wounded,'' Mir said.

Looks like they'll need to start putting an instruction manual with those vests. Careful now, don't want to hurt yourself before you blow your head clean off your shoulders.

Croc victim’s choice: Get eaten or shot

2008-01-24T13:21:00.000-08:00

Since when did crocodiles start packing heat?

A man rescued his colleague from the jaws of a crocodile in northern Australia but accidentally shot the unlucky co-worker in the process, police said Wednesday.

"Stop helping me!"

The two farmhands were collecting wild crocodile eggs on a riverbank Tuesday in Northern Territory when a crocodile snatched one of them, Jason Green, by the arm, the Northern Territory Police said in a statement.

What the fuck are you collecting crocodile eggs for?

"The male colleague shot at the crocodile, causing it to let go of the victim's arm, but a further shot hit the victim in the upper right arm," the statement said.

Why'd he shoot again if the first shot made the crocodile let go? This is what happens when you mix stupidity and boredom.

The two men had been collecting eggs to boost the crocodile population at their farm in the northern city of Darwin. Their employer sent a helicopter that flew Green to a Darwin hospital for surgery.

Oh this couldn't get any better. These morons live in a city called Darwin and they almost got a Darwin award for removing themselves from the gene pool. Here's a helpful tip, you want to boost the crocodile population at your farm you should just...wait, why the fuck do you want to boost the crocodile population at your farm? Someone please take the guns away from these guys, and any sharp objects, and their right to reproduce.

Police Commander Bob Harrison said Green's injuries were not life-threatening. "He's going to be very sick and sorry and have a very good story to tell," Harrison told Australian Broadcasting Corp. radio.

"Hey, did I ever tell you about the time that I was really, really stupid?"

Police could provide no information about the crocodile's condition.

However, it was discovered that crocodiles are capable of laughter.

U.S. turns to horses to secure borders

2008-01-23T20:14:00.000-08:00

They probably have a better chance at doing it then we do anyway.

U.S. Border Patrol agent Galen Huffman leans over the saddle to look at faint tracks in a cattle trail leading up from the Mexico border.

Huh?

He follows the tracks at a brisk trot through thick brush, up and down into rocky washes, then pauses as his horse twitches its ears and turns around nervously.

I seem to have wandered into a page of Lonesome Dove here.

Horses have been part of the Border Patrol since the agency was founded to secure the United States borders against liquor smugglers and unlawful immigrants in the 1920s, and now they are making a comeback.

With gas prices the way they are I'm not surprised.

Agents dressed in leather chaps and broad-brimmed hats are increasingly being used to regain control over the most rugged areas of the southwest frontier with Mexico and now on the northern border with Canada.

It's finally happened. America has managed to go back in time.

"Most of the traffic is being pushed into these mountainous areas which are harder to work. They are very remote," said Bobbi Schad, a horse patrol supervisor from Tucson. "With a horse you can get up in there."

And after the Mexicans crossing the border beat the ever-loving shit out of you, they have an easier time getting to a town with the horse. After all that running across the border, it's nice to get off their feet.

Heath Ledger Found Dead in NYC

2008-01-22T20:43:00.000-08:00

This is going to put a damper on the new Batman movie.

Heath Ledger, the talented 28-year-old actor who gravitated toward dark, brooding roles that defied his leading-man looks, was found dead Tuesday in a Manhattan apartment, face-down and naked at the foot of his bed with prescription sleeping pills nearby, police said.

Such a shame. Good actor. Young guy. Suicide? Probably. Wonder what could be so bad when you have the hold world in your hands. Too heavy maybe.

There was no obvious indication that the Australian-born Ledger had committed suicide, NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said.

Accidental overdose? I doubt it. Usually don't overdose on sleeping pills unless you're really trying to. I'm going to go ahead and assume he killed himself and if I'm wrong I'll apologize later.

Ledger had an appointment for a massage at the SoHo apartment that is believed to be the home of the "Brokeback Mountain" actor, Browne said.

Believed to be his home? Well, who owned it?

The massage therapist and a housekeeper found his naked body in the bed at about 3:30 p.m. They tried to revive him, but he was already dead.

Kill yourself before a massage? Why? I would wait till after at least. No need to go to the great beyond all stiff...I apologize.

"We are all deeply saddened and shocked by this accident," Ledger's publicist, Mara Buxbaum, said in a statement Tuesday night. "This is an extremely difficult time for his loved ones and we are asking the media to please respect the family's privacy and avoid speculation until the facts are known."

Well I'm going to go ahead and speculate. Again, I'll apologize if I am wrong. I just can't wrap my head around it. If it were suicide, I just don't understand why someone so young and so successful would think that things might never get better. How bad could it actually be.

MLK Day classes in Randolph draw fire

2008-01-21T12:09:00.000-08:00

Apparently Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream of kids not having to go to school for a day on his account was never recognized in Randolph, New Jersey.

David Johnson said he first heard that Randolph schools were going to be open on Martin Luther King Jr. Day when his 14-year-old son mentioned something about it at the end of the Christmas break.

"It's bullshit Dad! I was going to celebrate his life by playing XBox!"

"Are you sure?" Johnson responded.

A 14-year old knows his school schedule better than anything else. He's got the whole year planned out around his days off.

He checked the school Web site and found a memo saying the school board voted on Dec. 19 to make a change to the calendar. Schools would be kept open on Martin Luther King Day as a "precaution" because the district might need more than the two snow days it scheduled for the school year.

Cue the racism claims in 3,2...

Johnson said he was surprised and upset -- even though school officials say the change was made because of an unusual situation and that students will spend Monday learning about Martin Luther King and the civil rights movement.

"I don't want my son learning about Martin Luther King on Martin Luther King day, I want him to clean his fucking room!"

Johnson suggested that predominantly white communities sometimes lack sensitivity to issues that are important to African-Americans.

Well when are they supposed to learn about the issues that are important to the Afrian-American communities if they don't go to fucking school. There are better ways to celebrate a great man then sleeping late.

Randolph will be the only district open in Morris County on Monday -- and one of about two dozen in the state. Most schools that will be open are in Bergen County. Proponents of schools staying closed on the holiday previously announced that Morris County was expected to have all of its schools closed this year for the first time.

I've had many jobs that were not closed for Martin Luther King day. I have many African-American friends that don't "celebrate" the holiday. They don't get together with their families to discuss the importance of Martin Luther King's ideas and struggles. It's not a holiday in the traditional sense of a holiday. It's a day in honor of a great man who did great things and I can't think of a better way to honor him than to learn about who he was, what he did and why he did it. Perhaps a full day of learning about who he was and what he did is exactly what he wanted. He had an idea, a great idea and a great "dream" that should be known and studied and taught till it sinks in. How many of you who have today off are spending it recognizing him in some way? You're just watching television aren't you.

The fact that some schools remain open on Martin Luther King Day, a federal holiday since 1986 and state holiday since 1977, has led some of those proponents to revive suggestions of legislation mandating that all schools close on the holiday. In some places, a debate continues over the best way to honor King, with some educators preferring that students attend class and learn more about the man rather than simply taking off the day.

But, but, American's are lazy people.

Max Riley, Randolph's superintendent, said he believes that students should have the day off and said Randolph would return to closing on the holiday next year.

This is why America's youth are stupid. And you can argue with me that they're not but seriously, have you ever talked to a teenager? They are fucking morons. I was a moron when I was a teenager. I didn't get much better either so what hope do I have that anyone else will?

"The African-American community has made its feelings clear, and we ought to be guided by that." Riley said. "In order to accord Dr. King the honor he deserves, it ought to be a holiday."

Absolutely it should be a holiday. But perhaps we should re-evaluate how we spend it.

While Riley said complaints have not been widespread, he sent a letter to parents late last week clarifying the board's decision. It outlines some of the programs being planned -- including fifth-graders writing "I Have A Dream" speeches and high school students learning about civil rights and bullying. Students who don't show up for school on Monday will be counted as taking an excused absence, Riley said in the letter.

This will of course be completely shot down. Why? Cause it makes sense. Read up on Martin Luther King and honestly think about whether he would want kids, white and black children at that, learning together about civil rights and the struggles of the African-American communities on his holiday or if he would rather kids sat home. I think the answer is obvious. Go to fucking school and shut up. He had a dream he died for, least you could do is spend a day fucking learning about it.

Sunday Sign of Hope January 20th 2008

2008-01-20T20:57:00.000-08:00

Saudi, Syria cut number of fighters getting into Iraq: US

From AFP:

Syria and Saudi Arabia have reduced the flow of foreign insurgents crossing their borders to fight in Iraq, a US military spokesman said on Sunday.

"Syria and Saudi Arabia have taken a number of steps to reduce the flow of foreign fighters into Iraq," US military spokesman Rear Admiral Gregory Smith told a press conference in Baghdad.

"In early 2007, 110 foreigners were coming into Iraq from Syria every month. That is now reduced to 40 to 50."

Syria has introduced roadblocks and border patrols in a bid to crack down on fighters trying to cross into the war-ravaged country, while Saudi Arabia has tightened requirements for people applying for visas to Syria, Smith said.

The United States has in the past accused Arab countries neighbouring Iraq of failing to do enough to stem the flow of foreign fighters sneaking into the country, especially from Syria.

Women turn on ‘traitor’ Oprah Winfrey for backing Barack Obama

2008-01-19T21:39:00.000-08:00

This was what I said to my mother when Hillary Clinton announced her run for the White House. The same can be said for Obama as well actually. My concern was that women would vote for Clinton in some sort of show of camaraderie because they happen to share the same genitals just as well as black people would vote for Obama because they share the same skin tone, or white males may vote for the white male canidate over Obama or Clinton for skin color or gender in fear of a black or woman President. Politics may take a back seat this run for appearances. Scary thought.

AMERICA’S favourite television presenter is paying a painful price for her intervention in the US presidential campaign last month. Oprah Winfrey has been dubbed a “traitor” by some of her female fans for supporting Barack Obama instead of Hillary Clinton.

Is being a woman like being in a gang? Why is it considered "traitorous" to back whom she deems more fit for a Presidency? Or is it fear that she is backing Obama because he is black and chosing her race over her gender?

Winfrey’s website, Oprah.com, has been flooded with a barrage of abuse since the queen of daytime chat shows joined Obama on a tour of Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina in mid-December.

When I was younger I went to bartending school. One of the things they taught us was that there are three topics to avoid at all costs when conversing with customers. First is family. Don't want to help a man or woman badmouth their spouse cause they had an arguement and then, after they make up, you're stuck with having said some nasty things about that person's significant other. The second is religion. If you can't figure out why that's a forbidden topic turn the news on. The third is politics. This is why.

Her intervention was widely credited with broadening Obama’s national appeal - especially among women - and with helping him to an upset victory over Clinton in the first vote of the election year in Iowa. Yet a backlash by Clinton supporters appears to have prompted a rethink by Winfrey, the African-American media titan who is routinely described as the most influential woman on television. She did not reappear in the final days before the New Hampshire primary - which Obama lost to Clinton - and has been absent from the most recent campaigning in South Carolina, which votes next weekend.

Perhaps this is a bit uncalled for. Sure Oprah is an influential personality and, sure, she perhaps can affect voters out there. But she's not the first famous person to open their mouths a bit too wide over their politics. Perhaps women should ask themselves why they are so influenced by what Oprah does and says. I like to think people can watch Oprah and still think independantly. Or maybe not. She has money after all.

Mystery Disease Gives Sensation Of 'Bugs Eating Skin'

2008-01-18T21:22:00.000-08:00

Sounds fun.

An unexplained disease that sufferers say cause overwhelming sensations of bugs crawling, biting and stinging their skin and mystery lesions that never heal is being investigated by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

I thought this was just called being crazy.

The illness is called Morgellons and Florida, Texas and California are states with apparent hot spots for the condition.

Well I don't live in any of those states so I guess I just have to worry about the other million strange diseases that will kill me.

People who report suffering from the condition identify a range of symptoms including vision loss, mental confusion and fatigue. Some sufferers also said they have experienced tiny fibers that pop out of their skin.

I'm itchy.

Animal-human embryo research is approved

2008-01-17T21:50:00.000-08:00

Oh that's so fucking cool. I want bat wings.

Experiments to create Britain’s first embryos that combine human and animal material will begin within months after a government watchdog gave its approval yesterday to two research teams to carry out the controversial work.

This is a horror movie in the making. I guess next year some time I'll be covering a story, "Britain under attack from mutant man-dogs".

Scientists at King’s College London, and the University of Newcastle will inject human DNA into empty eggs from cows to create embryos known as cytoplasmic hybrids, which are 99.9 per cent human in genetic terms.

The humans will look normal but will eat grass, you'll be able to milk them and they will make one hell of a ribeye.

The experiments are intended to provide insights into diseases such as Parkinson’s and spinal muscular atrophy by producing stem cells containing genetic defects that contribute to these conditions.

I'm all for the furthering of science in order to benefit mankind but I got to say that screwing with DNA and mixing embryos is playing with fire. One day it will bite us in the ass. I'm going on record that the thing that finally destroys us will be something we made in a lab.

Scientists develop computer that can 'translate' a dog's bark

2008-01-16T18:28:00.000-08:00

Apparently, a dog's bark is the equivalent of calling someone an "fucking moron".

What would a dog say if it could talk?

"Stop watching me lick my balls pervert. You're just jealous."

"Stranger", "fight", "walk", "alone", "ball" and "play", according to scientists who have developed a computer programme to translate dog barks.

Limited vocab. I'm surprised "feed me" isn't in there.

The special programme analysed more than 6,000 barks from 14 Hungarian sheepdogs in six different situations.

Look, I know when my dog needs to walk cause he scratches at the door. I know when he wants to play because he brings his toys to me. He wants to be left alone when he grabs me by the throat and shakes me like I'm filled with dog food. I have a Siberian Husky and guess what, they never bark, so...this whole thing is useless for me.

German experts crack the ID of ‘Mona Lisa’

2008-01-14T18:33:00.000-08:00

Good job. Hey, can you find Bin Laden for us?

German academics believe they have solved the centuries-old mystery behind the identity of the "Mona Lisa" in Leonardo da Vinci's famous portrait.

Some things are best left a mystery. I always found a certain draw to the fact that this wonderful work of art was a nameless face. It loses a certain something if you find out she was an uptight rich pain in the ass.

Lisa Gherardini, the wife of a wealthy Florentine merchant, Francesco del Giocondo, has long been seen as the most likely model for the 16th-century painting.

See, rich and probably a pain in the ass.

Now experts at the Heidelberg University library say dated notes scribbled in the margins of a book by its owner in October 1503 confirm once and for all that Lisa del Giocondo was indeed the model for one of the most famous portraits in the world.

After all this time no one checked the notes in the margin?

Sunday Sign of Hope January 13th 2007

2008-01-13T18:07:00.000-08:00

Iraq's Parliament Passes Key Legislation Sought by US

From VOA News:

Iraq's parliament has approved legislation to allow former members of Saddam Hussein's Baath Party to be reinstated to government jobs - a key benchmark sought by the United States for measuring progress toward national reconciliation.

The measure approved Saturday had been stalled in parliament. It will relax restrictions on the right of former Baathists to fill government posts. Those restrictions were put in place after the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq in 2003.

Iraqi Shi'ites persecuted under Saddam Hussein's rule had opposed the law.

The White House confirmed that Iraq's parliament had passed the measure and called it a "good step."

Thousands of Baath officials were dismissed from government jobs after Saddam was ousted from power in 2003. Their dismissal deepened sectarian tensions between Iraq's majority Shi'ites and once-dominant Sunnis.

Organs to be taken without consent

2008-01-12T20:17:00.000-08:00

Will they at least wait until I'm dead first?

Gordon Brown has thrown his weight behind a move to allow hospitals to take organs from dead patients without explicit consent.

What's the big deal? The dead don't need them anymore.

Writing in The Sunday Telegraph, the Prime Minister says that such a facility would save thousands of lives and that he hopes such a system can start this year.

I don't know what human beings "deal" is with the dead. We spend more space on cemeteries than we do low cost housing. We treat a dead body like it was a Holy relic centries lost and finally found. It's meat. Meat and fat and bones and other icky things that are no longer needed by whoever was originally using them. If my organs go to help someone live a few extra years I say, hey, why the fuck didn't someone extend my life a few years?

The proposals would mean consent for organ donation after death would be automatically presumed, unless individuals had opted out of the national register or family members objected.

If they're still going to ask family members than nothing has changed really unless they are going to harvest organs from people who have no family which, in turn, raises some interesting questions, like, medical history and lifestyle questions that are usually asked to the next of kin in order to determine whether the deceased is a suitable donor. I don't want the kidney's from some guy who OD'd on heroin in a crack house cause no one claimed his body.

But patients' groups said that they were "totally opposed" to Mr Brown's plan, saying that it would take away patients' rights over their own bodies.

You lose your rights when you die. It sounds mean, but ask yourself one question. A bus is headed at you at high speed as you cross the street, there's no time to jump out of the way and no way this bus can stop before hitting you. Are you concerned with what is going to happen to your organs after they pry you out of the bus's grill? Nah. Use my organs, I did nothing but abuse them anyway. Maybe someone will treat them better than I did.

There are more than 8,000 patients waiting for an organ donation and more than 1,000 a year die without receiving the organ that could save their lives.

Pointless lose of life. If a person lay dying and you don't call for emergency it's pretty much the same thing as refusing to donate an organ if you match someone who is in dire need of one. Plus, you're fucking dead. You won't care.

Militant threat on Eiffel Tower intercepted

2008-01-11T21:21:00.000-08:00

Although I sometimes poke fun at the French, I do believe they are not the right people to piss off. They did kill their own king.

French intelligence services are tracking the authors of a message apparently describing a militant threat against the Eiffel Tower, the daily Le Monde said on Friday.

"I've tracked the message all day sir. It hasn't moved from www.blowshitup.com."

The newspaper said Portuguese air traffic authorities had intercepted a “vague and confused” short wave radio message apparently describing a threat on Thursday, but were not ”panicked” by the message, according to a police source.

Way to monitor the airwaves there guys. Good to know the French Intelligent Agencies are second only to Portuguese air traffic controllers.

The French capital is already at its second highest security alert level and further public security measures would serve little purpose, Le Monde quoted police as saying.

Other than keeping someone from blowing up the Eiffel Tower.

“We’ve been at red for several months. It’s the highest level before scarlet alert which is implemented when there are attacks,” the local police headquarters told the newspaper.

Not a scarlet alert! Perhaps we can have another color in between. How's a Mahogany
alert sound?

Many Palestinians Offer a Bleak Opinion of Bush

2008-01-10T19:52:00.000-08:00

No! I just won't believe it!

President Bush did not come to this oasis city of beige hills, lush green plantations and ancient ruins on his visit to the Palestinian Authority on Thursday. Given the apparent antipathy of the local population, it is probably just as well.

I'd say Mr. Bush has forever given up on his chance of ever visiting a Muslim land.

“It would be much better if he didn’t visit our land at all,” said Bashar Fadl Ahmed, 34, an orthopedic surgeon who was shopping in the town square early this week, echoing sentiments expressed by many here. “He won’t achieve anything. He is trying to do something in his last year, but where was he before?”

Busy bombing other Muslim countries.

Jericho, a relatively tranquil town of about 25,000 Palestinians north of the Dead Sea, was on the short list of West Bank destinations for the Bush visit, with Bethlehem and Ramallah, the site of the Palestinian Authority headquarters.

I'll give him this, call him stupid, call him crooked, say he is the worst President in US history, but he's got balls. Fucking balls of steel.

Moron Arrested After Driving Truck Into House

2008-01-09T05:27:00.000-08:00

About time there was some truth in the media. Note: this is the actual headline.

Bryan Scott Moron, 20, of Burleson, Texas, was arrested Friday after he lost control of his truck and struck a mailbox, then a house, MyFOXDFW.com reports.

Alright Mr. Moron, what happened here?

Living up to his surname, Moron failed sobriety tests, the station said. The arrest report showed his blood alcohol level to be more than twice the legal limit.

You'd think with that surname he'd keep as low a profile as possible.

Moron, a restaurant server, was also driving at an excessive speed, according to the report.

This guy's boss at the restaurant must have a damn fieldday with this guy. "Hey Moron, table five!" "Let's move Moron!", "Moron, I thought I told you to be here at ten o'clock. Why you late Moron?" Oh the good times would roll.

Russia says it is ahead in race to put man on Mars

2008-01-08T17:39:00.000-08:00

Oh yea? Who gives a shit?

Russia is leading the race to complete a manned mission to Mars and could land a Russian on the Red Planet by 2025, a leading scientist was quoted as saying on Tuesday.

Russia is just itching for some attention. Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought people stopped caring about who is the first back in middle school.

"We have something of a head start in this race as we have the most experience in piloted space flight," the director of the prestigious Space Research Institute, Lev Zelyony, told Interfax news agency on Tuesday.

Enjoy the red planet.

The goal of becoming the first country to land a human on Mars is "technically and economically achievable" by 2025, he said.

Ten bucks someone does it in 2024.

Pentagon Says Ships Harassed by Iran

2008-01-07T17:36:00.000-08:00

They keep calling and hanging up.

An Iranian fleet of high-speed boats charged at and threatened to blow up a three-ship U.S. Navy convoy passing near Iranian waters, then vanished as the American ship commanders were preparing to open fire, the top U.S. Navy commander in the area said Monday.

Bullies are known to do the same thing...in grade school.

No shots were fired an an Iranian official in Tehran said the incident amounted to "something normal."

"Oh we always threaten to blow things up. We're Muslims."

Bush administration officials complained that the Iranian actions amounted to a dangerous provocation, but one private analyst said the Iranians may have believed they were acting defensively in a narrow waterway that is heavily trafficked by commercial ships, including oil vessels.

I'm counting the days till this tit for tat turns into something major. Honestly, I thought this would have happened already. If we weren't in Iraq and Afghanistan, it probably would have. Of course, I'd rather we were in Iraq and Afghanistan than starting something new. And if we were going to start something new, may I suggest Pakistan's tribal region. That place is just ripe for a new carpet.

Sunday Sign of Hope January 6th 2008

2008-01-06T19:29:00.000-08:00

Ski areas nationwide rejoice over super snow conditions

Glass is half-full edition.
From NewsOK:

Santa brought just what the nation's ski resorts wanted: the best nationwide snow conditions in several years.

From New England to California, the snow piled up in the days and weeks before Christmas. Even Taos, N.M., in the Desert Southwest had a 60-inch base.

"This is our best opening since 1977,” said Adriana Blake, marketing director for Taos. The resort couldn't open for Thanksgiving but later got 68 inches in a week. "This is crazy. It never snows like this.”

In November, with a few exceptions, some of the most popular resorts in the Rockies and California delayed their openings because of a lack of snow. Most only offered limited terrain because of an unusually balmy and dry fall that produced disastrous wildfires.

Then the jet stream moved south, and the snow began to fall, and fall, and fall. Wolf Creek, Colo., which usually has the deepest base in the state, has suffered for the past two years. It debuted in late November with less than 10 inches. A week before Christmas, it had 115 inches.

"It is spectacular. For the first time in recent history, the industry is up and operating across the country,” said Michael Berry, president of the National Ski Areas Association.

Sugarbush was close to being 100 percent booked for Christmas, a record for the Vermont resort. Also in Vermont, Mad River Glen, which relies mostly on natural snow, reported 100 percent open.

New England struggled last year. The Vermont Ski Areas Association said 59 percent of Vermont's 1,242 trails were open as of Dec. 10, compared with 14 percent at the same time last year.

The snow has been good from the start at Whistler-Blackcomb, British Columbia, the busiest resort in North America.

Attendance Up at Zoo After Tiger Attack

2008-01-05T20:22:00.000-08:00

Oh I hope he mauls me too!

Attendance was up at the San Francisco Zoo following a tiger attack that killed a young man on Christmas Day, a zoo spokesman said Saturday.

Everyone wants to see the tiger that commited this act of...tigerness.

The zoo was closed for eight days following the tiger attack, which left 17-year-old Carlos Sousa Jr. dead and two brothers injured. Police were investigating whether the tiger was taunted before attacking the three victims.

If the tiger wasn't provoked, then will he be arrested? And how exactly did a tiger kill a person at a zoo. Did we do away with the whole bars idea? I must have missed something.

Other zoos that have endured mishaps have seen similar spikes in attendance, which zoo officials have attributed to the publicity and morbid curiosity.

Same reason why movies and television shows about serial killers are so damn popular.

Britney Spears locked up in psych ward

2008-01-04T20:10:00.000-08:00

This is the first thing I've ever had in common with Britney Spears.

Continuing her downward spiral from pop tart to deranged diva, Britney Spears was locked in a psych ward on Friday night after a meltdown that ended when she was strapped to a gurney and rushed to a hospital.

I can't wait to read this chapter in her mother's parenting book.

Spears was deemed a "special needs" patient and held "for her own welfare" for at least 72 hours in a wing of Cedars-Sinai Medical Center where suicidal patients are treated, sources said.

Special needs is the PC term for retarded. Just throwing that out there.

Spears, who sparked a confrontation with cops by refusing to return her sons to ex-husband Kevin Federline after a court-approved visit, later lost all visitation rights to their sons, Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1.

Just wait till all the teen girls who idolized Miss Spears grow up. Things are going to get interesting in a few years around here.

"I'm not happy about the events," Federline's lawyer Mark Kaplan said. "Nobody wins." Kaplan refused to say if Spears had threatened to kill herself. He said the boys were reunited with their dad.

While I do take some sort of deranged pleasure in Miss Spears' fall from grace I feel sorry for the children. I mean, not THAT bad considering the wealth they will grow up with, but you know, having a crazy mommy is never all that fun. Trust me.

Federline's sister-in-law, Alisha Federline, said seeing Spears hauled out of her house like a mental patient was "very disturbing."

"And funny."

The LAPD first said Spears was under the influence of an unknown substance when she went nuts, but later retracted it.

"She's just naturally nuts."

Sources close to the singer said she was stressed out from having to testify at a humiliating deposition Thursday where she had to answer for a litany of examples of her bad parenting.

Well, who does she have to blame other than herself. She made the decision to have children. That means you take the responsibility of changing your entire life to accommodate the new lives you've brought into the world. No more partying, no more drugging, no more drinking and clubbing to the early dawn hours. Children change EVERYTHING. Most normal people take a few months or years to weigh whether they are ready to make those changes, others have the decision thrust upon them and rise to the challenge. You listening little miss Jamie Lynn Spears? Hope you're learning from your sisters mistakes.

Spears snapped when Federline's flunkies arrived at her Studio City home around 8 p.m. that same day to pick up their sons. Rather than comply, Spears grabbed Jayden and locked herself and the tot in a bedroom for three hours and refused to come out - even after cops arrived.

This is like a limbo contest. How low can you go?

Happiness may be good for your health

2008-01-03T20:41:00.000-08:00

I'll buy that. So few happy people ever blow their brains out.

A happy heart just might be a healthier one as well, new research suggests.

Awesome, you know what makes me happy? Cigarettes, alcohol and fried foods.

In a study of nearly 3,000 healthy British adults, lead by Dr. Andrew Steptoe of University College London, found that those who reported upbeat moods had lower levels of cortisol -- a "stress" hormone that, when chronically elevated, may contribute to high blood pressure, abdominal obesity and dampened immune function, among other problems.

This is why life sucks. Otherwise it would never fucking end.

Ambulance service receives emergency call every 8 seconds as Binge Britain welcomes in 2008

2008-01-02T19:13:00.000-08:00

Now that's how you ring in a new year.

Binge-drinking revellers fuelled a chaotic start to 2008 as over-stretched ambulance workers battled to cope with emergency calls flooding in at a peak of one every eight seconds.

No better way to start the new year than in the hospital, clinging to life after alcohol poisoning. Remember people, thin line between celebrating and excusing excess.

In the capital alone the London Ambulance Service had to deal with its highest number of emergency calls since the Millennium - the majority related to excess alcohol.

Bet a lot of you British got lucky that night. And it seems a whole shitload of you didn't.

As midnight came and went there was mayhem as scores of drunken partygoers around the country tumbled into the streets, some wearing little more than their underwear.

You know, I'm starting to lose that whole uptight, refined image I had of the British. After this and the war videos I've seen of how they deal with Taliban fighters in Afghanistan, my hats off to you blokes, you're all out of your bloody minds.

Fights erupted and a string of dishevelled young men and women collapsed on benches and in doorways, too inebriated to remember or care that the night was supposed to be a celebration.

They are celebrating...gravity.

2008 New Year's Sign of Hope

2008-01-01T07:38:00.000-08:00

Let's start the New Year off right.

In a safer Baghdad, Iraqis party for 2008

From Reuters:

On New Year's Eve Ridaa al-Azzawi squeezed into his pointy snakeskin boots, his tight black sweater and his snazzy corduroy flared jeans, hustled down to a Baghdad hotel ballroom and partied for peace.

2008 arrived in a less-violent Baghdad, and residents said it was the first real party they had seen in years.

At the stroke of midnight, exuberant locals fired into the air with automatic rifles, sending red tracer fire streaking over the city, as fireworks lit up the sky.

While the city is still far from peaceful and many of the festive gatherings had a tentative feel, many said it was a happier occasion than they could have dared to hope just a few months ago.

"The security has changed and it took us by surprise. We're very happy. Especially us young people," said al-Azzawi, a 22-year-old student taking a break from dancing to a traditional Iraqi band in the ballroom of the Palestine Hotel.

"I haven't seen a happy place like this in so long. I wanted to see if I could maybe meet a few girls!" he said. "I only hope the Iraqi people can enjoy more happy times like this."

Salah al-Lami, 27, the singer who performed at the Palestine ballroom and then for another New Year's Eve crowd at the Sheraton Hotel across the street, said it was the first time he had sung before a live audience in four years.

"This will be the year that we take our freedom!" he told Reuters after singing through a boisterous set in front of a packed dancefloor.

"When I went up on the stage and started singing I felt like I was performing for my family."

Belly dancers also took the stage, and revelers showered a female singer with dinar notes, the Iraqi audience's ultimate sign of approval.

Last Post of the Year: 2007

2007-12-31T17:16:00.000-08:00

The clock is ticking down, soon, here on the east coast of the United States, it will be 2008. I can't think of a better way to ring in the New Year than to look back and see just how damn lucky we were to have survived the previous one.

2007 was a year of ups and downs (and apparently a year of flagrant usage of cliches), mostly downs though. We watched at the beginning of the year with hopeful hearts as North Korea swore to suspend nuclear activities. They still haven't. US President Bush told us that a "surge" in the numbers of US troops in Iraq may be our answer. It seems it was. As February came, psychics hired by the Ministry of Defense failed to find Bin Laden but did get three of the five lottery numbers right, a judge gave custody of Anna Nicole Smith's body to her 5-month-old daughter and Britney Spears started her inevitable downwards spirial into madness by shaving her head. Yup the year was off to a nice start.
March came in like a lion, Nancy Pelosi, the US House Speaker, visited Syria for some odd reason. She accomplished pretty much nothing at all. Iran took British soldiers captive, which ended almost like any soap opera playing on daytime television, Atty. Gen. Alberto Gonzales was stricken with amnesia about the firing of federal prosecutors and a pizzeria in NYC offered a $1,000 pizza for anybody with enough money that they long ago lost all common sense. As April rolled through we were treated to Imus almost being stoned to death over calling the Rutgers Women's basketball team "nappy- headed hos". It was blown way out of proportion and after being suspended and cancelled, Imus is now back on the air. The Duke Lacrosse players where finally cleared and the DA faced Ethics charges. Virginia Tech. was shot up by a student, Boris Yeltsin died, someone threatened to kill a baby polar bear in Berlin and a man cut off his own penis in a crowded restaurant.
Skipping to May we were subjected to Paris Hilton going to jail but then leaving cause it was no fun, then going back, a terror plot to attack Fort Dix in NJ and Tony Blair said goodbye.
June and the beginning of summer has us reading along as Sunni's in Iraq began turning against al-qaeda and other insurgent groups, a plot to blow up JFK airport was thwarted and Salman Rushdie was knighted, Muslims got mad.
July, worms fell from the sky in Lousiana, a fat guy got stuck in a river and India named their first woman President. Oh, and the UK almost drowned in the worst flooding they've had in decades. Handled it well though, much better than some other countries handle disasters.

So now comes August and what's in the news? Well Barry "Injector Man" Bonds beat Hank Aaron's all-time record. He's in trouble for lying to the Feds now. Russia accused Georgia of using dead pigs as biological terrorism and Egypt found the oldest footprints ever. Yay!
September brought us the US Air Force accidentally flying armed nuclear warheads over just a couple of US cities. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at Columbia University and made an ass of himself by proclaiming there were no homosexuals in Iran.
October, or as I like to call it, free-candy-month, brought us plenty of information in ways of the beginning of a trend of people being killed by taser-packing-police, a meeting between North and South Korea which amounted to the same dialogue one can expect when meeting the new neighbors that just moved in and Pope John Paul II made a return from the grave in the form of fire. Many were left wondering where he actually went after he died.
November had a British teacher in the Sudan almost killed by angry Islamists because she let her children students name a teddy bear Mohammed. A 10-year-old tried to poison his teacher, a 13-year-old girl killed herself over some nasty MySpace messages sent from the mother of a schoolmate who should have her legs broken and Prince Harry got dumped. Not a good month to be a youngster.
And this month, well, just scroll the page down.

As the years pass I've come to notice that nothing changes much. Sure, Iraq's going better for the US and other countries involved and for the Iraqi citizens but now Afghanistan is turning into a clusterfuck. Muslims the world over are angry and I'm not sure exactly why, don't think anyone is really all that sure, including themselves. But as the world keeps spinning dangerously out of control, I'll keep writing about it, hopefully you'll keep laughing about it and I'll see you here next year for another depressing recap. Enjoy the night and have a safe, healthy and happy New Year.

Be good to one another.

Mad Man

Sunday Sign of Hope December 30th 2007

2007-12-30T17:16:00.000-08:00

Mullah Omar sacks top Taliban commander

Apparently there's no job security in terrorism.
From UPI:

One of the top military leaders of the Taliban in Afghanistan has been fired for failing to obey orders.

Mullah Omar, the head of the organization, released a statement announcing the dismissal of Mansoor Dadullah, the BBC reported. Dadullah was in command in southern Afghanistan, including the provinces of Helmand and Kandahar.

"Mansoor Dadullah does not obey the rules of the Islamic emirate and violates it," Mullah Omar's statement said. "Therefore it was decided not to appoint any post in the emirate to him."

Mansoor Dadullah's brother, Mullah Dadullah, was killed in May, becoming the highest-ranking Taliban leader to die in enemy action since the invasion following the 2001 terrorist attacks. He is believed to have been the architect of Taliban resistance since the Taliban was ousted from Afghanistan.

Snorting a Brain Chemical Could Replace Sleep

2007-12-28T19:21:00.000-08:00

Sounds healthy.

In what sounds like a dream for millions of tired coffee drinkers, Darpa-funded scientists might have found a drug that will eliminate sleepiness.

Wait, are we talking about cocaine? It sounds like we're talking about cocaine.

A nasal spray containing a naturally occurring brain hormone called orexin A reversed the effects of sleep deprivation in monkeys, allowing them to perform like well-rested monkeys on cognitive tests.

So this is where we are as a species huh? Spraying chemicals up an animal's nose in order to elminate being sleepy? Is that really the worst of our problems here?

The discovery's first application will probably be in treatment of the severe sleep disorder narcolepsy.

Wish I had narcolepsy. That would have been the perfect excuse to why I was drooling on my keyboard at my desk the other day.

The treatment is "a totally new route for increasing arousal, and the new study shows it to be relatively benign," said Jerome Siegel, a professor of psychiatry at UCLA and a co-author of the paper. "It reduces sleepiness without causing edginess."

This is how the zombie plague begins. I think I'll just deal with yawning every once in awhile instead of spraying some drug up my nose directly into my brain. I can sleep when I get home. Besides, I need sleep. It's the only escape I get from a world that thinks up this shit.

Benazir Bhutto assassinated in Pakistan

2007-12-27T19:34:00.000-08:00

Not surprised. An outspoken woman in an Islamic country that spoke out against Islamic fanatism and terrorism? Sad day.

This from New York Daily:

Moments from death, a smiling Benazir Bhutto rose through the sunroof of her bulletproof white SUV to salute her cheering countrymen.
Wearing a traditional white hijab, which partially concealed her purple jacket, she could not have seen the thin young man with a gun and bomb hiding among the sign-toting supporters.
Suddenly there were gunshots and an explosion and Bhutto was mortally wounded in an assassination that ignited raging violence across Pakistan Thursday - triggering gunfire and flames and threatening to derail parliamentary elections set for Jan. 8.

At least 20 people were killed in the explosion that turned a cheering crowd into a panic-stricken, blood-covered mob running hysterically through the streets of Rawalpindi.

Random shoes and shredded clothing were scattered along the street. Some of the dead were covered with the flag of Bhutto's Pakistan People's Party.

Others, their clothing torn and their bodies broken and bloodied, lay exposed in the flames, smoke and chaos that followed.

Sardar Qamar Hayyat, a leader from Bhutto's party, watched helplessly from about 30 feet away as the "thin, young" killer appeared from the crowd following a campaign appearance and pushed toward her car from behind.

Bhutto, 54, was rushed to Rawalpindi General Hospital, where Dr. Abbas Hayat said she underwent emergency surgery as doctors tried feverishly to revive her. Authorities said she died from gunshot wounds to the neck and chest.

"The surgeons confirm that she has been martyred," said Bhutto's lawyer, Babar Awan.

Grief-wracked supporters, screaming for justice, hoisted her wooden casket aloft and carried it from the hospital hours later. They chanted anti-government slogans and smashed the glass door at the main hospital entrance in a display of anger and frustration.

Her body was flown in a C-130 military aircraft and taken to the southern Pakistani province of Sindh early today for burial in her family graveyard alongside her father, party officials said. Her husband and their three children accompanied the body.

The assassination set off rioting in Karachi, a southern port city where Bhutto supporters fired at police, burned a gas station and set cars ablaze. Two police officers were wounded by gunmen. Authorities reported nine deaths in rioting across the country.

The murder of the popular former Pakistani prime minister was yet another stunning political assassination in a country whose history is dotted with them.

Bhutto was the voice for democracy and freedom in Pakistan. A pro-western woman who wanted to see Pakistan united against extremism and work to progress their country in the right direction. Her death is a blow not only to the west but to freedom itself. Al-qaeda is likely to blame, Taliban in the tribal belt, Islamic terror organizations with ties to the ISI and Pakistani military. One can only hope her death will unite the people against those who seek to harm Pakistanis and their country. Time will tell.

Man gets stuck in septic tank on Christmas Eve

2007-12-26T18:20:00.000-08:00

O' Holy Shit.

It was a stinky holiday for Robert Schoff. The 77-year-old man spent part of Christmas Eve stuck upside down in the opening of his septic tank, with his head inside and his feet kicking in the air above.

I can think of better ways to spend Christmas Eve. Hell, I can think of better ways to spend a Monday. Of course, one must wonder why in the name of all that's good one would stick the upper half of their body into a septic tank in the first place.

"It wasn't good, I'll tell you what," Schoff said Tuesday. "It was the worst Christmas Eve I've ever had."

Are you sure?

Schoff reached into the tank Monday in an effort to find a clog, but he lost his balance and got wedged into the opening.

Why would you remove a clog in a septic tank with your hand in the first place?

The 5-foot-5-inch, 135-pound Schoff hollered and screamed for help, but it was an hour before his wife, Toni, walked by a window and saw his feet in the air.

"Quick, get the video camera!"

"I saw these kicking feet and ran out, but couldn't get him out," Toni Schoff said.

Especially since he keeps leaving the toilet seat down.

She called 911 and two Polk County sheriff's deputies yanked her husband out of the tank.

You must smell terrific.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-24T16:53:00.001-08:00

Due to the fact I celebrate Christmas, (not in the the Jesus way, more in the Have-a-present-where-is-mine way) I have little time to make fun of the world today, or tomorrow for that matter. So, enjoy the holiday if you're into this sort of thing. If not, have a nice Tuesday. Damnit! Earth will return on Wednesday, barring any unforseen chimney incidents or too much Egg Nog...or not enough.

Be good to one another.

Sunday Sign of Hope December 23rd 2007

2007-12-23T20:02:00.000-08:00

Family adopts slain son's military dog

From Yahoo News:

A military working dog wounded in Iraq during a rocket attack that killed its Marine handler was adopted Friday by the slain Marine's family.

Cpl. Dustin Lee's family planned to take home the bomb-sniffing dog — named Lex — on Saturday after the 8-year-old German shepherd was granted early retirement. It was the first time a working dog was granted retirement to live with the handler's family, officials said.

"Nobody can do anything to replace the void in this family," said Col. Christian Haliday, commander of the Marine Corps Logistics Base in Albany, where Lee and Lex were assigned.

"We hope Lex can bring a small piece of his spirit and help maintain his memory," he said.

On hand for a ceremony at the base were the Marine's parents, Jerome and Rachel Lee, his sister, Madison, 16, and brother, Camryn, 12, of Quitman, Miss.

"It's not going to bring back my brother, but it's something close to it," said Madison Lee as she played with Lex after the ceremony.

Military officials initially told the family that Lex had another two years of service before he could be adopted. But the family lobbied for months — even enlisting the aid of a North Carolina congressman — and the adoption came exactly nine months after the 20-year-old Marine was killed and his dog wounded on March 21 in Iraq's Anbar Province.

2nd Lt. Caleb Eames, spokesman for the Albany base, said Lee and Lex were sitting outside at a forward operating base in Karmah when they were hit by shrapnel from a 73mm rocket explosion.

"A part of Dustin is in Lex," said the fallen Marine's father. "To have Lex at home is a part of having Dustin at home."

Rachel Lee said she believes her son's spirit will live on through the dog because of their close bond and because they were together during the final moments of her son's life.

"It was blood on blood," she said. "We can't get Dustin back, but we have Lex."

Boy, 8, sued in ski crash

2007-12-22T18:39:00.001-08:00

"Your honor, all we're asking for is the Power Rangers and one half of the Wii video games."

A 60-year-old man is taking an 8-year-old boy and his dad to court, claiming the third-grader caused a ski-slope collision that left the older man with a shoulder injury.

Oh come on, 60 years old and your upset about a shoulder injury? You go skiing at 60 and your lucky you didn't break your tailbone on the ski-lift.

David J. Pfahler of Allentown, Pa., filed suit in Denver federal court claiming Scott Swimm, of Vail, then 7, was skiing fast and recklessly when they ran into each other in January. Pfahler's suit says he suffered a torn shoulder tendon.

Anything moving down a snow-covered hill while standing on a slippery board is going to be going fast and recklessly. Move out the way grandpa.

The boy told Pfahler he was sorry and started to ski away when the man grabbed Scott’s legs, cursed at him and said he would sue, Robb Swimm told The Aspen Times.

Cursing at a seven-year-old? Should of just kept this to yourself instead of making it a public issue and saved yourself from looking like an asshole.

Scott's mother, Susan Swimm, said her son weighs 48 pounds and couldn't have been going more than 10 mph.

Look, if a 7-year-old is moving towards you at a high speed just kick it out of the way. Seems to me that by going skiing your accepting the risk you might get hurt. You don't own the mountain Mr. Pfahler. Lucky this isn't my kid or you'd be suing for a shoulder injury and medical bills to have a ski boot removed from you rectum.

"Who in the world sues a child?" she said.

60-year-old assholes who are just mad at the world.

Pfahler's Denver attorney, Jim Chalat, declined to comment on the specifics of the case. "It's a private matter between private parties," he said.

Not anymore. Well Mr. Pfahler, how does it feel to know the entire news-reading world now knows you're a greedy, grumpy old fart?

Woman allegedly stabs husband over gift

2007-12-21T19:51:00.000-08:00

Now I'm seriously considering returning the paintball gun I bought for my girlfriend for Christmas.

A woman stabbed her husband with a kitchen knife following an argument that began when she accused him of opening a Christmas present early, authorities said Friday.

Calm down there Mrs. Overreaction. Some people just take those "Do Not Open Til Christmas" signs way too seriously.

Misty Johnson, 34, was arrested and charged with aggravated assault and battery, a felony, and misdemeanor domestic battery. Her husband, Shawn Fay Johnson, 34, was treated at a hospital for a wound to the chest, police said.

Why didn't she just do what most women do when their husbands don't listen and just not have sex with him for a few months. Really, the punishment here just doesn't fit the crime. Perhaps if she had stabbed him in the foot, then, maybe. But a chest wound? Too far.

Authorities said Shawn Johnson called 911 just before 1 a.m. Wednesday to report that his wife had stabbed him. He told police that his wife started arguing with him over his opening a Christmas present, according to court records.

"I peaked, she freaked. Now I'm going to die."

As the argument escalated, Misty Johnson accused her husband of having an affair, authorities said. Police found a marriage license in the couple's apartment stating they were married in late September.

I have a funny feeling this marriage isn't going to last. Good thing he didn't forget an anniversary or she would have shoved a living snake up his ass.

Jamie Lynn Spears 'pregnant at 16'

2007-12-20T17:15:00.000-08:00

Boy, I can't wait to read the Spears' mother's book on parenting.

Early today, we learned that Jamie Lynn Spears, the 16-year-old actress and sister of pop star Britney Spears, is three months pregnant.

Things sure are exciting over there at the Spears' residence. Seems like either one of them just can't wait to destroy their careers so they can play mommy. Honestly, and I'll probably get some flack for this, but a 16 year old isn't going to be the best mother. Sure, there are exceptions out there, 16 year olds with the mind and wisdom of a mature adult who truly weighs the pros and cons of bringing a new life into the world while at such a young age. Of course, this isn't the picture you get when you hear Spears. You picture drunk and drugged up sex-capades, poor-parenting decisions and, for some reason, a trailer. A long, dirty trailer.

The news comes one day after we learned that her mother's book on parenting -- Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World -- has been put on hiatus.

You can take the trash out the trailer park but you can't take the trailer park out from between these girls' legs.

AP reports that the younger Spears is planning to raise her child in Louisiana.

In a wonderful world filled with unicorns and fairies and everything's made of marshmellow waterfalls. The sad thing is that this will cause an uproar. Millions of parents are going to be so judgemental of little Spears, getting knocked-up in the dressing room of her Nickelodeon show and all, when it really isn't her fault. Well, it is, and it isn't. See, the Spears' children probably didn't hear much about sex and responsiblity growing up in a household where mom and dad concentrated so much on pop-careers. While neither Spears child will be winning any awards for brilliance or decision making, instead of a rallying cry about these two being horrible role models for children, take this opportunity to realize that both the Spears' girls are role models. Show your kids what happens when you make bad decisions, don't use protection during sex and use drugs and alcohol in excess in situations where the choices you make will follow you for the rest of your life. Just cause the Spears' kids are playing games with their lives doesn't mean your kids will. All you have to do for them is talk to them. They'll make you feel stupid, tell you to stop bothering them and act like you're a pest, but it'll get through. Trust me, I was young once.

Family Survives 3 Days in Snow

2007-12-19T17:58:00.000-08:00

Dead of winter might not be the best time for that family-fun hiking trip.

A father and three children who vanished on a Christmas tree-cutting trip in the Northern California mountains were found alive Wednesday after huddling in a culvert for warmth during three days of heavy snow.

You know they sell Christmas trees now? You don't have to go into the mountains to get them anymore. Twenty to thirty bucks gets you a nice pine, someone to help strap it to the car and you get the peace of mind knowing you're running a very small risk of having your fingers and toes turn black and fall off.

"I'm just amazed how well they did," Lisa Sams said after seeing her children and ex-husband for the first time since they were rescued.

And you know she worked in "this is why I divorced him in the first place." somewhere into that conversation.

A California Highway Patrol helicopter crew spotted Frederick Dominguez atop a small bridge and landed nearby, sinking into 2 feet of snow, flight officer David White said. The family had taken shelter in a culvert beneath the bridge and stomped "help" in the snow, White said.

Just below help someone stomped "Our Dad's a moron".

Police say woman groped Santa

2007-12-18T15:12:00.000-08:00

Looks like Santa got what he wanted for Christmas.

A 33-year-old woman was charged with fourth-degree sexual assault Saturday after allegedly groping a man playing Santa Claus at the Danbury Fair mall.

Fourth-degree sexual assault is when someone is assaulted in a sexual manner but doesn't mind.

Details leading up to the alleged fondling are sketchy.

I image it had to something to do with alcohol or lonliness or both.

"I don't know what the deal was. It was just bizarre," the mall Santa told a reporter, referring all other questions about the incident to Cherry Hill Photo, the company that runs the Danbury Fair mall Santa photo setup.

"Bizarre... and wonderful."

The mall Santa told police that Lamy touched him inappropriately while sitting on his lap.

Sure, you had a 33-year old woman sit on your lap and then you were surprised she touched you? You know, I know about 100 guys that would pay to have that happen. What's wrong, was she ugly?

Lamy was also charged with breach of peace.

Breach of peace, what's more peaceful than having your balls fondled?

Wealthy Couple Convicted of Slavery

2007-12-17T16:53:00.000-08:00

Slavery? That's a new one. Well, it's old, but new now. I mean that I haven't heard of slavery for a long time. Not that I forgot about it...I...oh no...I like black people.

A jury on Monday convicted a millionaire couple of enslaving two Indonesian women they brought to their mansion to work as housekeepers.

Hey, if you buy two women from Indonesia you should be able to use them anyway you want.

Mahender Murlidhar Sabhnani, 51, and his wife, Varsha Mahender Sabhnani, 45, were each convicted of all charges in a 12-count federal indictment that included forced labor, conspiracy, involuntary servitude, and harboring aliens.

Fucking rich people.

Prosecutors said the women were subjected to repeated psychological and physical abuse and were forced to work 18 hours or more a day.

Sounds like a construction job.

The Sabhnanis, who have four children and operate a worldwide perfume business out of their Muttontown home on Long Island's Gold Coast, could face up to 40 years in prison, although attorneys predicted the punishment would be considerably less. He is from India, and she is from Indonesia, but both are naturalized U.S. citizens.

Mr. Sabhnani sure does like his Indonesian women don't he. Wish I could buy a couple of Indonesian women, I can't even afford one Mexican lady.

One of the couple's daughters collapsed in the front row as the verdict was read, prompting the judge to clear the courtroom while medical personnel attended to her.

"Who's going to pay my cell phone bill? And what about my car insurance? And...oh my God...I might have to get a job! I feel faint!"

Defense attorney Jeffrey Hoffman said he would appeal. "Apparently, the jury was taken by the histrionics ..." of the Indonesian women, he said.

Can you blame them, histrionics are so enchanting, I loved the number they did when they were singing and dancing about being beaten with broom handles.

Allegations of abuse included beatings with brooms and umbrellas, slashings with knives, being made to repeatedly climb stairs and take freezing cold showers as punishment for misdeeds that included sleeping late or stealing food from trash bins because they were poorly fed.

Yup, they were working construction.

Sunday Sign of Hope December 17th 2007

2007-12-16T20:58:00.000-08:00

Umm...well...I looked and looked today for hours for a bit of good news and I can't find a damn thing. I hate to give up but, well, I am. I guess there is nothing good going on in the world. Oh well...maybe next Sunday something super will happen. Until then, enjoy a picture of a kitten.

Russia warns of US missile shield retaliation

2007-12-15T15:17:00.000-08:00

Now I know I sometimes come down a little hard on the Russians but this story has a good point to it. Besides, Russians, you know I love you, where would I be without vodka and those little wooden dolls that have smaller wooden dolls inside them...and furry hats. And lets not forget the countless hours I've spent enjoying trying to pronounce the numerous blahblahblah-stans.

THE planned deployment of US interceptor missiles in Poland could trigger a missile strike by Russia if those missiles are ever used, the Russian army's chief of staff has warned.

Yes, yes, we all know how much you guys like to show your muscles, but this gets even better. This guy isn't saying that the Russians will launch a missile strike...on purpose.

"We are talking about the possibility of a retaliatory strike being triggered by the mistaken classification of an interceptor missile," Yury Baluyevsky said at a press conference broadcast on state television.

Ah, so, a missile enters Russian airspace and triggers an automatic response. Interesting.

Baluyevsky explained that an interceptor missile launched by the United States could be mistaken by Russia's automatic defence system for a ballistic missile aimed against Russia.

And the computers will rule the world.

"Who is going to take responsibility for an automatic triggering of the system if an interceptor missile is launched from Polish territory through Russia to strike down an Iranian missile?"

I guess anyone left alive.

"I don't mean to scare anyone but this isn't a scare story.... It's a technical detail that could affect the military stability of the world," Baluyevsky said.

That would be quite poetic wouldn't it. The end of the world as we know it due to a small technical detail.

Russia blames Britain for tense ties

2007-12-14T19:08:00.000-08:00

Perhaps ties are tense because of the finger-pointing?

Russia's foreign minister charged Friday that Britain had been deliberately worsening relations between the two countries, prompting Moscow to shut the regional offices of a major British non-governmental organization.

A friend of a friend of mine told me that his cousin's step-brother's girlfriend heard Britain say that Russia was a poopiehead.

The British Council, which acts as the cultural arm of the British Embassy, was ordered this week to close its branches in the cities of Yekaterinburg and St. Petersburg by Jan. 1.

Everything in the world is the fault of western culture. Always. Forever.

Russia alleges that the British Council was a for-profit operation, and said its regional offices violated an international convention on consular affairs.

We need one really, really big war. Seriously. Just one. Wipe out about 80% of the population and we can try this again.

Afghans say hundreds of Taliban killed in Musa Qala

2007-12-13T20:24:00.000-08:00

Neat.

Afghan and NATO-led troops killed, wounded and detained hundreds of insurgents during fighting in the Taliban's biggest stronghold, the Defence Ministry said on Thursday.

And yet the Taliban claim it a victory. I wish I could get into that mindset, where even the worst possible disaster can be seen as a triumph. It's like driving your car into the ocean and being content cause you got to go swimming.

Musa Qala, in the southern province of Helmand, took on a symbolic importance after the Taliban seized it in February following the breakdown of a much-criticised local truce that allowed besieged British troops to pull out of the town in October last year.

I guess when the British want something back they'll take it when they feel like it...umm...oh shit.

Liza Minnelli Collapses On Stage

2007-12-13T20:21:00.000-08:00

"We represent the Lollipop guild...the lollipop guild...the lollipop guild..."

Liza Minnelli has collapsed on stage while performing in Sweden.

"Liza down...we have a Liza down."

The Cabaret star was taken to hospital but later discharged, before being flown back to the US.

Slow news day, don't blame me.

Man Drinks Liter of Vodka at Airport Line

2007-12-12T16:54:00.000-08:00

Yeah, fucking airports'll do that to ya.

A man nearly died from alcohol poisoning after quaffing a liter (two pints) of vodka at an airport security check instead of handing it over to comply with new carry-on rules, police said Wednesday.

Now THAT'S alcoholism. All you out there slowly drinking yourselves to death take note, this guys gonna win the race.

The incident occurred at the Nuremberg airport on Tuesday, where the 64-year-old man was switching planes on his way home to Dresden from a holiday in Egypt.

64-years-old and still chugging vodka like a fucking champ. Seriously though kids, don't do that at home, or the airport cause it's just fucking stupid.

New airport rules prohibit passengers from carrying larger quantities of liquid onto planes, and he was told at a security check he would have to either throw out the bottle of vodka or pay a fee to have his carry-on bag checked as cargo.

"I'll take option 3!"

Instead, he chugged the bottle down - and was quickly unable to stand or otherwise function, police said.

Should have tasered him to see what would happen.

A doctor called to the scene determined he had possibly life-threatening alcohol poisoning, and he was sent to a Nuremberg clinic for treatment.

Sometimes that good idea you have is really a bad idea hiding behind your stupidity.

The man, whose name was not released, is expected to be able to complete his journey home in a few days.

And the plane will fly fueled only on his breath.

Father killed daughter for not wearing hijab

2007-12-11T18:24:00.000-08:00

Religion of peace my ass. And before you go jumping the gun and "assuming" this is just one of those crazy stories about some mountainous-tribal region nutcase from Pakistan or Iran or somewhere, I bring you the insanity of Islam...from Canada.

Friends and classmates of a 16-year-old girl who police say was murdered by her devout Muslim father in a Toronto suburb told local media Tuesday she was killed for not wearing a hijab.

How can we expect Muslims to respect the lives of non-Muslims when they don't even feel love for their own children? Monster.

Police said in a statement they received an emergency call at 7:55 am local time Monday from "a man who indicated that he had just killed his daughter."

Put this in perspective. When was the last time a father strangled his son for not putting on his yamaka before temple? Go look that up. I'm not saying all Muslims are bloodthirsty, crazed, murderous monsters who justify their actions by quoting an ancient, out-dated, warlike version of a religion, I'm just saying that all bloodthirsty, crazed, murderous monsters who justify their actions by quoting an ancient, out-dated, warlike version of a religion are Muslims.

The victim, Aqsa Parvez, was "rushed to hospital with life-threatening injuries, but tragically passed away late last night."

So where are all the left-wing nutcases who feel that Islamic terrorism is actually the West's fault for our foreign-policy? How you going to spin this into being the girls fault?

Canadian serial murderer wanted to rid world of 'evil ways'

2007-12-10T19:30:00.000-08:00

Killed himself did he?

Canadian serial-killer Robert Pickton, convicted in the deaths of six drug-addicted prostitutes, said in letters published Monday he aimed to rid society of its "evil ways."

Ironic, but what do you expect from a serial killer? Logic?

The two letters obtained by the Vancouver Sun are replete with biblical references and spelling mistakes, and provide the first insight into what might have motivated the pig farmer to turn to mass murder.

Horrible grammar?

"I know I was brought into this world to be hear today to change this world of there evil ways," Pickton wrote in 2006 to California resident Thomas Loudamy, who corresponds with prison inmates as a hobby.

I always thought that most serial killers had above average intelligence. I guess they're letting anyone into the club these days.

"They even want to dis-re-guard the ten command-ments from the time that Moses in his day brought in power which still is in existence today."

Hey Pickton, remind me, what's that sixth commandment again?

Sunday Sign of Hope December 9th 2007

2007-12-09T17:10:00.000-08:00

Regiment says goodbye to Iraqi friends

From Stars and Stripes:

Less than three months after they arrived, soldiers from 3rd Squadron, 2nd Cavalry (Stryker) Regiment said goodbye Tuesday to dozens of Iraqi friends on the streets of southern Baghdad.

The unit, which is needed elsewhere in Iraq, fought bloody battles to free the Hadar neighborhood of insurgents who terrorized locals and used the area as a base for attacks in the Iraqi capital.

The 4th Platoon, Company H leader, 1st Lt. Jonathan Borders, 25, of Kailua, Hawaii, visited several families that his unit had special relationships with, reassuring them that Strykers from 2nd Squadron, 2nd Cavalry will continue to patrol their streets.

In one poverty-stricken household, a single father cared for four sons and a daughter while eking out a living as a generator repairman in the local market.

The 4th Platoon soldiers stepped in when a bully was taunting one of the children, who has a hunchback. They soon found out that the family was short of food and money, so the young soldiers chipped in $100 to buy the kids their first new clothes in a year, Borders said.

Later, they persuaded a baker to take on the oldest son as a courier, a job that comes with free bread as part of the salary. They’re trying to get the father a job with the Iraqi Security Volunteers — armed neighborhood guards credited with reducing violence in many parts of Iraq.

“When we first came here, some people resented us,” Borders recalled. “Operations were a part of it. We got in firefights. We’d get shot at and shoot back. But people appreciate the fact that we were up front with them and made an effort to visit their houses, take photos of any damage (caused by the fighting) and pay for it,” he said.

The soldiers visited the pregnant wife of an al-Qaida sniper detained several months ago.

“He’s been in prison for a while. She has a 3-year-old kid to look after and she’s six months pregnant with no income,” explained Borders.

The platoon brought the woman food and clean water and asked a neighbor to help her around the house and take her to the hospital for check-ups.

An Iraqi doctor living in Hadar said he’s glad al-Qaida is gone. The terrorists used to steal fuel from his generator, he said.

“We are happy. Before we could not go outside. … There was shooting every day and people were killed,” he said.

Sgt. Mikal Vik, 23, of Hartford, Conn., said he came to Iraq expecting only to kill the enemy, but he’s seen things change.

“It is not like when we came in here (in 2003) and removed their government and left them to it. People have stopped calling terrorists ‘freedom fighters.’ People feel like we really helped them,” he said.

“The first time I realized the neighborhood had changed for the better was when people were inviting us to their houses for lunch,” Borders said.

In the market area, the soldiers stopped and said goodbye to the shopkeepers.

“You see the people in the market painting, putting in new doors and fixing up the shops. We tell them: ‘We are here to provide security and make sure you can start living your lives without someone shooting you because they don’t like you for religious reasons,’ ” Vik said.

In another street, Staff Sgt. John Christopher Mills Jr. of Petaluma, Calif., said goodbye to a group of local teenagers hanging out on the corner. One showed off a hat that said: “MSR Irish,” the Army’s name for a local road, and everyone laughed.

“They are just the kids in the neighborhood. We’ve been in all their houses,” Borders said, adding that the platoon started building a soccer field nearby on land that insurgents used to use to park cars and plan operations.

In another house, a pair of teenage sisters looked close to tears when they heard the soldiers were leaving.

“Tell them we are the best Stryker unit in Iraq and the Army needs us to go fight al-Qaida somewhere else,” Mills said to his interpreter.

“It was sad for us to leave them,” he said afterward. “We helped out that whole neighborhood and that family, we really had a liking for. There were several families like that. They were the people who helped fix their neighborhood.”